#anyway the way my dad usually reacts is just being extremely quiet and steady and dry humoured in reaction to this and when she starts | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

blueeyedheizer · 4 years

Text

All Over Again - Matt (part 1)

WARNINGS: mention of a car accident, memory loss

A/N: Here it is ! The first part to my 3 or 4 parts fic. :) I know this trope is far from being original but I wanted to give it a go. Also this was originally supposed to be a one shot but the more I was writing, the more I got ideas so I decided to split it into a multiple part fics. let me know what you think xx

----

Matt was supposed to have been home from practice 2 hours ago. It was almost midnight and you were worried sick, pacing around the house and looking out the window every two minutes. You didn't think much of it at first and figured he had stayed in the studio a little longer to work on more songs, but after an hour you began to worry. You had tried calling his bandmates, but according to them he had left practice on time with everyone else.

“Did he seem upset during practice?” You questioned through the phone, biting your nails anxiously.

"It was a hard day, yeah. He kept on messing up his parts and was a bit more irritable than usual." James explains. You let out a deep, shaky sigh, one hand coming up to rest on your forehead and closing your eyes as you tried to keep your composure.

"Look James I, um- i'm sorry to bother you with this but Alex won't answer the phone either, do you think they might have gone to a pub together or something?"

"Alex went straight to his girlfriend's after practice. I'm sorry love, I really don't know about Matt. But don't worry about it too much, yeah? I'm sure he's fine. You know how he can be sometimes." you nod your head repeatedly, allowing a tear to slide down your cheek.

"Okay, yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. Thanks anyway James." you croak out before saying goodbye and ending the call. You had thought of calling Javed, but you knew it was already late and there was no way his dad would've let Matt in at such an hour. Your heart was beating insanely fast inside your chest and you were feeling like you could break down at any moment, the worst thoughts occupying your mind.

You eventually decided to lay down on the couch and play your favorite movie to try and get rid of the nagging voice in your head. Maybe he just went on a walk to clear his mind and stopped by a pub nearby. He might have met up with some friends there, which would explain why he was so late.

After a little while you heard the sound of the front door open. You immediately shot up, running over the door as Matt walked in. He didn't seem hurt at all, which was relieving. But you were still upset.

"Where the hell have you been?! Do you have any idea what time it is?!" he doesn't say anything and walks straight past you. "Matt, what's going on?!" you call after him as he makes his way to your shared bedroom.

"Why aren't you in bed?" he says coldly, completely ignoring your previous questions

"Because it's fucking midnight and my boyfriend who was supposed to be home two hours ago didn't show any sign of life until now!" you say and he scoffs. "I was worried sick, Matt!"

"I don't have a curfew to be home, Y/N. I've already had a shit day so if you could just fuck off and stop giving me unnecessary lectures I would appreciate it." you open your mouth to speak but close it again. You genuinely didn't know what to say anymore.

"Fine. Maybe I should leave and go have fun on my own somewhere then, since we don't have a curfew."

"Yeah, good. Leave. Maybe I'll finally get some peace and quiet." he spat.

With that, you turn around and walk out, grabbing your coat and car keys on your way. You storm out the front door, slamming it back close behind you and run straight to your car, silent tears leaving your eyes as you do.

You weren't sure how it happened.

Tears were blurring your vision as you drove to your best friend’s. You knew that she would gladly let you in, no matter what time of night you showed up, plus she wasn't the type to go to sleep early. You hated driving at night, but you needed to get some fresh air, you needed to get away from Matt.

You eventually began to regret your decision of leaving as the fog covered your vision more than it already was with your tears. But it was too late to come back, and you still weren't ready to face him after what had just happened. He wanted to be alone, then he was going to get his alone time. Your hand gripped the wheel tightly as you wiped your cheeks and eyes furiously, but no matter how hard you tried to calm down and focus on the road, the tears would come back and blur your vision.

And before you had the chance to react to what was coming in front of you, you felt a violent collision, and your world went black.

Matt knew something was wrong the moment his dad burst into his room in a panic the next morning.

"Dad?! What the hell are you doing here? How did you get in?!" he yelled.

It was barely 7am when he got a call from the hospital letting him know that you had been taken there after a car accident. He was in shock, barely able to let any words out. You were like a daughter to him, so the news were hard to swallow. All he did since he burst into the room was to blurt out your name along with barely coherent words between breathless pants.

"Dad? What is it? What's wrong with Y/N?!" Matt said, immediately jumping out of bed. He grabbed his clothes and put them on quickly, waiting for an answer.

"She got– she in an accident last night. It's bad." he managed to get out.

Matt's heart stopped beating for a moment as he tried to comprehend what he was being told. Everything around him seemed to have stopped as the events from yesterday flashed through his mind. He stared at his dad, speechless, his face suddenly draining of all color as his eyes filled with tears. He was suddenly hit by a wave of guilt and he felt the whole air being knocked out of him. His heartbeat picked up and the room soon felt too suffocating. He couldn't breathe, the room was spinning, his ears ringing.

His dad grabbed his face with both hands to keep him grounded him then pat his cheek slightly.

"Come on now, we have to go. She needs you, son." He said, keeping a steady gaze on him. Matt snapped out of his daze and stormed out of the room, his dad following closely. He grabbed the car keys on his way and they both headed to the hospital in a hurry. Of course Matt’s dad insisted on driving, knowing that his son was in no way able to focus on the road in this state.

By the time they got there, Matt's eyes and face were bright red from how much he had been crying. He was out the door before the car even came to a complete stop, rushing into the emergency section of the building.

He burst through the front doors and begun looking around, trying to find a nurse, a doctor or anyone that could tell him about your condition. A nurse came out of one of the many rooms and he rushed towards her, tears still streaming down his cheeks as he asked where you were.

"Could you tell me her name again?" she asked, gently placing a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. He nodded and repeated, trying to keep it together. The nurse lead him to the reception, searched through her papers then looked up after a few seconds.

"She's in surgery right now so I can’t let you go see her just yet. We're doing the best we can to keep her alive, but from what I know she got into a pretty bad accident, and this kind of surgery requires hours and hours of work." she continues and he nods, trying not to completely break down in front of her. She gives him more details about the surgery before leading him to the waiting room where your family and some friends of yours were waiting.

three days later.

''It's been over half an an hour...'' Matt finally spoke up, breaking the silence as he paced anxiously around the waiting room. "Someone should be able to tell us something by now.''

''I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, Matt." Javed answered softly in an attempt to comfort both himself and Matt. Matt sighed and nodded before he finally sat down in the space between James and Javed. No one was speaking. Everyone avoided eye contact, too busy being lost in their own thoughts, moving their legs anxiously. Matt however couldn't stay still, but no one could blame him. He had been staying with you every day since you got there, even though you weren't awake, and now that they finally had some news they wouldn't let him see you. Family first.

He fidgeted and bit his lips nervously, the worst thoughts constantly occupying his mind. He buried his face in his hands, more tears falling down his face. Needless to say, no one had ever seen him like this before. He looked extremely tired and sleep-deprived, and the guilt was eating him alive. Javed placed a comforting hand on his back.

"You need to stop blaming yourself, Matt. This is not your fault." he says. "She’s going to be okay."

“It is my fault, J. If I hadn’t come home so late and told her to leave...—” he chokes, opening his mouth before closing it again. "She went out because of me. She's here because of me. If she had died—" he starts, but James interrupts him.

"But she's alive, mate. That's all that matters right now. You can't take back what you said or did, but you still have time with her to make it up."

As he was about to stand up and start pacing around again, Matt's head shot up at the sound of footsteps coming towards the waiting room. In a matter of seconds he was on his feet and your mom was at the door with a small forced smile and wet cheeks, a nurse standing beside her.

''Miss Y/L/N is awake.'' the nurse said. "You can see her, but you all should know that she's showing signs of amnesia." everyone's face dropped as they took in the information. "We do not know whether it is permanent or temporary. She remembers her mother and her name but couldn't tell us today's date, whether it is day, month or year. I just want you all to be prepared in case she has a hard time remembering any of you, which could be a possibility." Everyone in the room nodded then started hugging each other to express a deep relief along with sorrow. After three days of constant fear and sleepless nights, you were awake. But then, there was the possibility of you not remembering them. Matt hugged your mom tightly before they all followed the nurse into your room. His heart started racing as he thought about all the things he wanted to say to you. He didn't think apologies would be enough.

He finally snapped out of his thoughts when he reached the door to your room, his heart aching at the sight of his girlfriend laying on a hospital bed.

You were slightly startled when the door to your room opened again, your nurse walking in along with a bunch of people you couldn't quite recognise as you struggled to keep your eyes open. Your entire body felt numb. You tried to sit further up, but your were immediately stopped by a striking pain coming from your ribs. You lifted your hand in an attempt to scratch your head but you were surprised to feel a bandage under your fingertips and see one wrapped around your wrist. Confused, you realized the upper part of your body was bandaged, but you couldn’t quite figure out why.

"Hello again, Y/N." your nurse smiled "Some people are here to see you. Could you tell me if you recognise any of them?"

Vision still blurry, you frowned and attempted to turn your head to the right. You let out a small groan, the movement triggering an ache.

"Take your time, there is no rush." the nurse says.

Then someone took a seat next to you and grabbed a hold of your hand that wasn't bandaged. You eventually managed to take a proper look at your surroundings, looking around yourself. Your mom was there, along with Javed.

"Um...well, there's mom again. And Javed." you spoke weakly. A small smile curved your lips when you saw him. You two had been friends since 6th grade. You then looked at the two boys behind him. "I don't think I know you." you spoke with a frown." James and Alex's faces dropped a little, but they were kind of expecting it. You weren't as close with them as you were with Javed, so you had fewer memories of them and more forgettable ones.

Then you met the other boy's eyes, the one sitting beside you.

You said nothing while staring at him before realising that he was holding onto your hand which you slowly pried away from him. Your brows furrowed as you looked at him. His nose, his hair, his lips. Then his eyes. You looked into them, trying to find any form of familiarity, but there was none. Why was he holding your hand?

"Y/N?" he says, his voice weak. You could tell he was fighting back tears. You frowned again, lips parting in confusion. You gave your mom a worried glance before looking back at him.

"I...I'm sorry but, am I supposed to know you?"

#blueeyeddean #matt

21 notes · View notes

butterflyinthewell · 7 years

Text

Too much.

I hit a breaking point today when I heard about what happened in Barcelona. I think it’s something that’s been building up ever since September 11th in 2001. I heard the news about Barcelona first when I got up and went out to get my dad his breakfast and take care of cat stuff (litter box, fresh water, food). I kind of avoid the news after initially hearing about something horrible. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just I don’t like to sit and listen for every little morsel of information. I prefer to find out about it, then go away from it and come back later when there’s more details rather than seeing the same ones reported over and over.

The breaking happened at noon for me. My dad has Parkinson’s and part of my routine with him is helping him do some therapeutic exercises that are supposed to help him be more mobile and flexible. I help him by holding his walker steady for the standing up exercises and counting his movements to make sure he does the total set of each exercise.

Fox News seems to be the “background noise” my parents prefer while waiting for other things to come on. Naturally, that meant it was all about Barcelona.

My heart started to race when my dad began his first set of exercises. I recognized the sensation of extreme fear beginning to come over me, but I kept myself deadpan, tried to take deep breaths and control my exhales by counting out loud. I mean, I do that anyway, but I wasn’t pausing to breathe between every few numbers. I tried so hard to turn the reaction off. My throat started to get so tight that it was hard to breathe and I started gasping quietly between every other number. I felt like I just ran across the country at a full sprint and then the urge to cry started to build up.

I kept focused on my dad as much as I could until I got him all the way through all his standing up exercises. He has one more he does sitting down where I have to push his knees straight while he flexes his toes “towards his face” as much as he can. Part of his walking issues are his legs don’t straighten all the way, so this helps that.

Anyway, I got lightheaded as I helped dad get to the recliner and my knees got suddenly weak. I said ‘excuse me’ and I have no memory between that and finding myself sitting sideways on my bedroom floor while crying so hard I could barely breathe. My mind was racing with horrible thoughts of something similar happening at Disneyland or my church or the grocery store or the school where my sister works and all the myriad of public places accessible to vehicles and people with evil intentions.

I started screaming in my mind for Jesus to come down here like He promised and end the world because it was so full of evil and suffering. I was hyperventilating so bad that I couldn’t see much through all the phosphenes (”static”) and my skin felt numb. All I could really hear was myself gasping and crying. My mom came in at some point and I have zero recollection of what we said because all I remember is she was there very briefly.

It took me almost half an hour to calm down enough to help my dad finish his exercises. He was really concerned about me. He doesn’t give me crap when something is scaring me. I didn’t know how to explain my feelings to him other than to say there’s too much crap happening and I couldn’t handle it, so I freaked out. He thought the images on TV were upsetting me and told me not to look at the TV. This is an understandable thing and I didn’t comment because my ability to use the right words was (and still is) too hampered to make sense of it. Then we did his knee push exercise since that was his last one.

I hate the news. It’s starting to feel more like gossip where people discuss the same two or three facts endlessly until new information that may or may not be correct arrives. I just like to hear that something happened, get just the facts and then get away. In situations where my emotions are high, I react more to tone of voice than what’s being said, and today it’s a parade of reporters sounding so grim and sad that I just couldn’t take it anymore.

It’s the suffering that’s affecting me, not the actual events themselves. It’s thinking about people who won’t see someone they love come home. It’s wondering how many people walked away after a fight and now they can’t apologize and make up. It’s all the death and destruction and being unable to comprehend why anyone can do such evil, horrible things.

But in the midst of all that, I had the presence of mind to challenge both of my parents when they said “what kind of sick headed freak does this?”

I said, “It��s not mental illness. Mentally people are usually the victims of violence, not the cause. That’s a lie movies perpetuate. Mental illness is not evil. The people who do the kind of crap we see on TV right now are evil people choosing to be evil.”

And they got quiet real fast. As I walked away to type this, I heard my dad say to my mom, “Our kid just schooled us.”

At the moment, I can’t really tell if more bad things are actually happening, or if we just hear about and know more often because people with phones can now insta-upload something to a news agency while on the scene of something awful. I really hope it’s “more tech” rather than “more evil”.

#actuallyautistic #mental illness #panic attacks #Catholic #violence #stigma #religious #ghira don't look #tw terrorism #long post #Barcelona #suffering

45 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 6 years

Text

322

Ross 1. Would you ever date somebody that has been divorced more than once? I think I’d be even more surprised if someone was divorced thrice like Ross by the time they’re 20, which is how old I am now...but to answer the question, no. 2. What are some stereotypically nerdy things that you like? Dunno about ‘stereotypically nerdy’ but I really like museums, biology, history, and astronomy. 3. Would you rather be a teacher or work at a museum? Work at a museum. I would have been a curator had I chosen to take up Art Management in university, which was one of the options offered to me. It’s still a big ‘what if’ in my mind to this day. 4. What is something you are really passionate about? Food!!! I don’t know if this counts but I have so much appreciation and respect for all cuisines. It’s a deep reflection of a country’s or a race’s culture and history and I believe you really get to know cultures more simply from their staple food. Whenever I travel, even just to local provinces, I never take their cuisine for granted and always take time to take it all in and understand how the dishes shape them as a people. 5. How would you react if you found out you were pregnant/got somebody pregnant just after you broke up? What would you do? I would hope the dad is willing to be involved, but that’s going to be on him, not me. But then again I have a girlfriend so I’ve never thought about this happening.

Rachel 1. Have you ever ‘started over’ completely? In what ways? You can say that. I treated university life as a blank slate because I really really wanted to restart from high school, where I was predominantly quiet and generally didn’t make my presence known. I didn’t like that coming from a small school meant that everyone knew each other and identities were established very early on–which meant that everyone was typecast and you can never get away from that. But in a university with 20,000 students, it was very easy to fit right at home, start over, and finally make a name for myself. High school was suffocating, university is so much more freeing. 2. Have you ever attended a wedding that ended where the bride and groom didn’t actually get married? What happened? No wow that would be awful to see. I’ve never seen a Filipino wedding end that way. 3. Do you have a friend that you’ve known since high school, that you are still close with? High school wasn’t a long time ago for me so yes, I have tons of friends that I met in high school–it helps that majority of us study in UP, anyway. If you want longevity, I’ve been friends with Angela since the first grade. 4. What scares you the most about becoming a mother (hypothetically, if you don’t want to have children)? Ending up like my mother, which I avoid thinking about as much as possible. I would never forgive myself. 5. Would you ever want a job in fashion? What would you enjoy about that type of job? Nooooo but in the past I did. I still have no idea why, but I sort of went a little bonkers in Grade 6 and was at one point very serious about becoming a runway model. I announced that to my dad and he was–rightfully–shocked. Looking back, I realize just how supportive he was because despite his shock, all he said was he was going to have my back wherever I end up working. No idea where he got that from, because 20 year old me just thinks that that was an insane thing to reach for, especially for myself. Phoebe 1. Would you ever be a surrogate mother? No. I love babies. Giving them away would be too hard for me, I think. Especially because I’d have the hormones that make me attached to the baby and other pregnancy stuff like that. 2. What do you think would be the best and worst parts about being a twin? Best thing would be having a default best friend, I think. Never-ending comparison would probably be the worst thing. Can a twin confirm these? 3. Do you feel that your childhood was more rough compared to others around you? I don’t just feel it. I know it was. All the red flags glare whenever my friends look back on their childhood and I come to realize I didn’t have half the experiences that they did. 4. How would you react if you found out today that you were actually adopted? That would make no sense as I am a physical carbon copy of my mom. 5. In what ways are you free-spirited, if any? I dunno, am I? I don’t think so. I’m really more like Rachel–I thrive on depending on other people. Chandler 1. Are sarcasm and jokes a regular thing for you? Yeah pretty much. I like using humor for almost everything. 2. If one of your parents told you they were gay today, what would you say to them? I’m not close with my parents and I would never imagine that they will ever open up to me about something like that. But if they do, I’d like to think that I will be appreciative of them sharing that kind of matter with me. I would be supportive as well, obviously. 3. What is the most boring part of your job? I don’t have one. 4. Would you ever date your best friend’s sibling? Angela’s an only child and I consider Gab’s siblings as my baby sisters so I don’t want to even think about this happening. 5. How do you feel about Chandler, if you watch the show? He’s my favorite character. He turned out to be the most genuine one out of all the six friends, being that he came from a rough childhood and had trust issues his whole life. I relate to him in that he uses jokes as a defense mechanism because lol same experiences buddy. He’s a prankster, but at the end of the day, at his core, he’s the sweetest and most caring guy. Remember that episode where he talked to Erica about letting them keep the twins? That’s his finest moment ugh I love him so much. All in all, I love Chandler and he always, always deserves the best :’) Joey 1. Would having a job without a steady income scare you, or would you be able to handle it? It would scare me. I care about staying financially afloat more than anything else. 2. Describe a sandwich you love. Sandwiches aren’t all that common in the Philippines so it isn’t really part of what I usually eat. Sorry Joey D: 3. What would be the perks and downfalls of coming from a big family? Ohohoho I’m Filipino so I know all about having a huge family. The perks is that it’s always a FEAST when you all get together. Lots of food, lots of laughs, lots of catching-up that you can do. The one downfall is that it is nearly impossible to band together in the first place. 4. Have either of your parents ever cheated on one another before, that you know of? How would you react if you found out today that one of them cheated? No, they never have. I’d go after the third party before dealing with the parent that cheated. 5. Do you have a phrase that you catch yourself saying regularly? I don’t have a catchphrase, although my friends have pointed out that I say ‘Ughhh’ a lot. Monica 1. Do you like cleaning and organizing? To an extent, yeah. When it comes to computer and data work I’m extremely organized; but I can never seem to keep my car spotless and my wardrobe filed properly. 2. How much of a control freak are you? HUGE. If I’m involved in a groupwork for school I always have to be overseeing everything. I have to be online whenever just one of my groupmates is so that I know what they plan to do and how they deliver on a task. 3. What would be the perks and downfalls of being a chef? I guess the biggest perk would be that you don’t have to have anyone cook for you or worry about eating out too much because you can cook for yourself? Downfall is that everyone has their own sense of taste so even if you do cook very well there’ll be always some people who complain about your cooking. 4. Are marriage and children a huge thing for you? Why or why not? They are, especially kids. I had a very rough childhood and felt neglected for a good 95% of that ride. I wasn’t read bedtime stories and I missed out on a good chunk of Disney movies because movie time was never seen as a bonding activity by my parents. I wasn’t treated to kiddie things all that much and I was practically forced to grow up way earlier than other kids because instead of rainbows and toys and love and unicorns, I got alcoholism, violence, and really, neglect. I’ve always aspired to be a mom because of that. I want to be able to prove to myself that I’m not defined by where I came from. The reason I’m so good with all children is because of what I experienced; but all I want is to have a kid of my own this time so that I could give it all the love and attention in the world that I didn’t get. 5. How would you react if you found out you were infertile? If you don’t plan on having kids to begin with, what is a long-term goal you’d be crushed to find out was impossible to achieve? I don’t plan on having kids of my own to begin with–when I say that, I mean from my own eggs. I would never, ever want to pass down by mental well-being to who is going to become my child. To see a piece of me (my depression, suicidal tendencies, anxiety, etc.) live through them would break my heart. With that, my girlfriend and I talked about it and we’ve established early on that should we get to that point, it was going to come from her and then have me carry the baby, so that we each have a part in it. To find out I’m infertile would be to basically eradicate my purpose as an adult. I’d be crushed. I don’t know what I’d do and never gave it much thought precisely because I do not want to imagine it happening to us.

[I love Monica’s character so much and what she went through so I ended up with long-ass answers for her lmao ILY MON!!!!!!!]

#survey #surveys

0 notes