#anyways. i now am trying to eat breakfast. very unsuccessfully bc i am not eating currently.

[pizzapizzadickz]

:/

#why was i upset again??? #diary #personal #i had like a meltdown last night. and i sorta just sat there sobbing for like an hour. then i went to bed. #when i woke up i was just like #anyways. i now am trying to eat breakfast. very unsuccessfully bc i am not eating currently. #id like porridge. but we dont have the one i like rn. so i have to settle for something else. its taken me 40 mins to decide #anyways now i have to MAKE the porridge. and im so burnt out from the meltdown its like. not gonna go well :/ #like. ur telling me that while i feel like utter shit i gotta be around people????? and stand at the stove for GOD knows how long???? #im gonna make the quickest porridge i can but still its not my day #i rly hope i dont have another meltdown today. bc im already like primed and raring to go for another. #god i hate them so much tho. bc i gotta be quiet i dont want anyone to hear me crying. #and like. honestly i generally get super agitated and lose my mind for a while. so like. if i was alone id probably be super loud n shit. #theyre very painful tho. internally that is. probably in part bc of how much i need to be quiet #cuz like. since i cant cry loudly. i just hold my breath! like!!! i probably sound like im hyperventilating!!!! #and honestly!!!! i have before!!!!! soley bc i cant breath enough when crying. #yeah. but you really can only cry for so long. so generally i eventually get tired and fall asleep. #or my mind sorta blanks out on me and i decide fuck it time to sleep. #so yeah. idk. meltdowns are very painful. its been a while since ive gotten that bad tbh? #whats more hilarious is i was perfectly fine until i tried to sleep. well. i wouldnt say perfectly i was stressed n tired #but nothing to indicate i was gonna meltdown or shutdown. i probably just got so overwhelmed that it sorta broke on me #and like. before i was in bed i had a task to complete so i had to focus on that and not how im feeling. so yeah. #idk. ill try to take care of myself today. but theres not much to be done. im gonna feel like shit for a while. #of course unless i get high or something. id feel a lot better instantly bc it sorta erasses the rough edges on things for me #so rather than feeling like my skin is pricked up and on edge (like i do now). id probably be just focused on food or vids #idk. its weird. and im tired. imma go eat. #drugs tw