#bc it’s been another hard year

[neutron-stars-collision]

Parasocial relationships with celebs might be bad but there’s nothing quite like looking at Matt Bellamy just right there, in front of you and knowing that it’s partially thanks to him that you’re still here. Breathing, screaming and crying from emotions you can’t quite name. I didn’t get Map, but I got Resistance, which is a song that used to be my “closing number”, the one I’d put on when I should soothe the tears and sleep. And this is what it was today. Incredible. Beyond words for how much I love this band and how much I owe them 💕 We might be fucking fucked, but they’re still everything I have

#god I cried so much #actually the moment I knew it’s Resistance I started whimpering and it only got downhill from there #full sobbing and breaking down #bc it’s been another hard year #and I’m not sure how I’m here but tonight I’ve been glad I am #it’s worth it #personal bs #muse #muse band #matt bellamy #dom howard #chris wolstenholme

[bacchuschucklefuck]

okay unironically I love so much that porter is like this world SUCKS its BAD here and it HURTS you why do you care abt it!!! and literally every single bad kid is like ngl we just hate ur ass it does not matter what ur philosophy is

#dimension 20 #fantasy high junior year #not art #fhjy spoilers #its!!! gods I will Be My Ass in the tags rn. but thats so like. deliciously setting typical #like porter's desire is to transcend and his contempt for the world he's in feels. idk Real #like he plays the game bc he wants to win and be done with it. how do I word this #yknow. being a god would like. be his win state. when he gets that happening thats it his story is done he checks out #meanwhile the bad kids do actually just like playing the game lmao. like they love adventuring! #theyre so solidly Of This World. they carry the values that can only be born of it and they like having mastery over it #its a meta angle that I think is very fun specifically for d20 being in such a unique position in the zeitgeist when it first started #the rat grinders are from DnD Writ Large. porter wants to escape. but this is the bad kids' home its Their Actual Play Show #which makes it so fucking excellent to me that porter's question is somewhat of merit! its their show and it tries very hard to punish them #and they just straight up dont listen to him here lmao bc they hate him but! since the moment the academic track ended its been clear #that they save the world bc they Like Playing. With Each Others #thats what riz thinks the core of adventuring is! thats why fig stayed! and I also think thats why this hovers over elmville now and #a dead god is coming back in the school gym. porter is a shit evangelist but even if hes a good one I dont think it wouldve worked like he #wants it to. the only way he couldve escaped is if he'd not involved elmville at all. thats where the bad kids met dude #its a shitty place that fucks with them but they all come back here bc they wanna play with each others #and in that regard I think thats what the stress tokens ultimately means. Is This Game Still Fun To Play. ITS A RAGEQUIT LIMIT #Im literally running from one end to another of this conspiracy board Ive pulled out of nowhere #Ill draw after this I just wanna get this out. gods this episode has done nothing but furthering my delusion of grandeur actually #Im the hottest smartest manthing on earth Im king fucking midas over here. anyways uh! great ep!

[bumblingbabooshka]

Let's put the angst back into pon farr - the deeply rooted shame

#currently writing........................ #picturing: What if Tuvok's bond with T'Pel makes him yearn for her through his pon farr even if he has to spend it with another person? #the shame and guilt and disgust of not only experiencing the indignity of the pon farr at all but also not spending it with T'Pel #and the horror that he'll have to (ostensibly) endure this every seven years for the next seventy #when you're suffering and probably SHOULD logically bond with another person to help you get through the fever #but the fever wails and agonizes - drowning you in the sorrow and love you've been suppressing in order to function #crushed between a rock (you're suffering even more bc you're still bonded to T'Pel) & a hard place (to break your bond with T'Pel would be #agony - it's all you have left - this pain is all you have left)

[holedyke]

having a hashtag bad one 👍

#my brother was chasing me with a shoe while i was screaming at him to stop while our mom just fucking stood there while i burst into tears #and then they both just go on their merry ways back to what they were doing acting like im not dry heaving so hard i think im gonna puke #like how can she just stand there and see me so upset and not say a single thing its just so typical he can do anything he wants no matter #how much it upsets me and he just gets away with it and i feel lile a dick bc hes younger and im an adult but this has been happening for #years and shes never done anything im so traumatized by him but i just have to keep acting like nothings wrong #i just wish my feelings could be even acknowledged by our mom like she enables it bc she does fucking nothing #once when i was a teen my therapist reported my brother to cps for hitting me and all my mom has to say was that having that on his record #could hurt him in the future and she was mad at me bc it made her look neglectful like babes its bc you are!!! #i need to get out of this fucking house so bad idk if i can stand another year here #h

[penn-dragon]

Kyoko still regularly visits the Corn clearing because it's her happy place, and early into the production Ren goes to visit the spot for nostalgia and happy memories. They run into each other there and Ren immediately realizes who she is

#skip beat #kyoko mogami #ren tsuruga #kyoren #never left kyoto au #I think he kind of knew already in the back of his mind but didnt really register it until they meet in the forest #a big part of the fun of this au for me is imagining what their reunion would have been like if they hadn't gotten off on the wrong foot #like they do in the manga #because even after he finds out his distaste for her motivations and her consequent grudge against him color their interactions for a while #(I also think she unintentionally triggered his trauma when they first met which is why he reacted so strongly to her but thats a rant for #another day) #he's just so so so so so drawn to her while also desperately wanting to keep his distance #but it's hard when he feels like he's suddenly back in his most precious memories #and kyoko is so charmed by him #platonically (at first) #she connects to people so quickly and the only reason she disliked Ren for so long was because he was mean to her hgkdfjdk #and I don't think 30 year old kyoko would have the same 'i hate who Sho hates' mentality 16yo kyoko did bc thats just how teenagers are lol #anyway i've ranted long enough I think about them so much

[hey-scully-itsme]

according to my notes it is one year to the day since i started reading the aubrey-maturin books

#i have never in my life been so blindsided by a series of books #i was expecting to read a couple of them - be mildly entertained - and move on #instead i got a series that somehow said a lot of things i needed to hear #right when i was at a point that i could hear it #which again is NOT what i was expecting when i picked up master and commander #and it's absolutely not the effect they would have on most people #bc the things i took out of it aren't really what the books are trying to say for the most part #it was just a format which easily conveyed ideas that challenged assumptions which were holding me back #which feels weird and a little ridiculous to say about what is ultimately just entertaining historical fiction #idk it would be interesting to try and put my thoughts on why they hit me so hard into a clearer format #but tumblr's not the right venue #anyway. wild experience. good books. here's to another year of aubreyad posting! #aubreyad

[lopsidedtreetrunks]

Germany and his pokédoggies 🐶💕

Another thing for my pokétalia au (which admittedly i haven't posted a whole lot of yet rip). Of course Ludwig's team would be made up of exclusively dog pokémon lmao

also these doggies may be size-inaccurate so,, like apparently manectric is supposed to be 4'11??? and im afraid i just simply do not accept that. hes a little guy he is not that tall bsfsfsljksdlk

#Just fyi I have bee n hyperfixating Super hard on pokemon the past week or so #like it's been a hot minute since I've hyperfixated this hard on smth lol #So that's why I've been a bit MIA on tumblr recently if anyone even noticed bsdsjkasj #anyway I'm coming to the end of the game now so I managed to spit this out <3 #basically another excuse to draw a whole bunch of dogs again🤧 #hetalia #pokemon #poketalia #my art #artists on tumblr #aph germany #hws germany #i might do some more arts and actually expand the au like ive been meaning to for over a year lmao #i have a whole au in my head and ive planned routes and who the mc is and the elite 4 and the gym leaders and who all their pokes are #and ive just never made proper art for it bc im LAZY bsasakjlsdl #anyway im gonna try to hold myself to make more poketalia arts this year

[s0fter-sin]

wow so watcher just singlehandedly killed their channel

#i get wanting to ensure your company is profitable but moving everything onto a streaming service aint it chief #we are in a cost of living crisis and you want people to pay for another service? #when most are cancelling the ones they already have? #what are they thinking #‘we wanted to keep the price low enough to make it affordable for everyone’ whos everyone? i cant afford 60-72 dollars a year #and thats in usd #for me thats 93-112 bucks a year and thats not happening #how they didnt just start with a channel membership is beyond me #this was such a short sighted and out of touch idea #and theyve already started archiving their videos which makes the whole thing feel so disingenuous #and moving everything off youtube will mean theyll have no subscriber growth bc how are people supposed to discover them? #the comments on the video are so cordial everyone is saying this stuff by the hundreds #so heres hoping they roll it back #even their reasons for it being they cant do bigger production shows bc of their budget #people dont watch you for the production #i for one was a little put out when they started overproducing their shows it felt like they were trying to hard #its always been about their personalities #i just cant believe they didnt think this through #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #hey there demons it’s me ya boy #watcher #buzzfeed unsolved #shane madej #ryan bergara #steven lim #ghoul boys #ghost files

[chaosinstigator]

ngl… my excitement for this weekend literally vanished last night

#daniel ricciardo #danny ric #dr3 #f1 #formula 1 #dutch gp 2023 #I’m trying so hard to find it back but - #listen danny fans yall know #the emotional toll we’ve been through the last year #or two years depending on how long you’ve been watching but I’m baby I’ve only been here for a year #but seeing him lose his happiness and his seat… spending the first half of the season without him just going nutto for the glimpses we got #here and there and then BAM surprise we get him back! but no it’s 2 races and then A MONTH OF BREAK #but it’s okay bc he’s excited he’s ready he’s COOKING and then yesterday #the emotional roller coaster I am exhausted #I can’t imagine how he feels after all this but we know he’s got great people around him thankfully #anyways yes so now that I have a taste of him enjoying being back in a car.. seeing another x amount of races he’s forced to sit out feels #extremely depressing #I honestly don’t know if I’m up for it and like ofc I do root for other drivers but they’re not Danny yknow? idk maybe I’m just a lil dumb #joey rambles #sorry sorry I’m in a sad girl moment tm rn #which is not great since I have to go to a work thing tonight

[deus-ex-mona]

series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:

#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨ #and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate #so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah. #thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou #i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh #compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol #i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help— #so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig #my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa #i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control… #b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you #tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao #so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol #but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato) #so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though #either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane #i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date… #at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration… #…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig. #oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far… #i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience. #help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m. #anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee

[perexcri]

happy one year to her and one of my better opening lines for a fic <3

now, because i'm curious:

#to hell and back again #i genuinely can't believe it's a year but i guess that's how time works huh :') #anyway umm gonna leave some retrospective thoughts in the tags: #1. i hold this fic near to my heart but also have a very complicated relationship with it now- #mostly bc i feel like my writing has improved so much and it's hard for me to reread parts of this lol #2. i honestly feel like it's a product of its time? like i think if i was publishing it now people wouldn't like it nearly as much #(especially with the opening line wHICH HAS A POINT AND COMES FULL CIRCLE AT THE END OK JUST TRUST ME) #3. on a sadder note this also means it's been a year since we had to put my family's eldest dog down #i remember i was gonna post this first chapter later when i had finished another fic up #but then our dog just like. straight up started dying on my mom's bedroom floor #and my mom was too distressed/upset to take her to the vet so i had to put her in my car and take her on my own #and then had to go to work right after that #so yeah i was upset and was like 'well dammit im gonna post this then bc it's silly and makes me laugh and i am sad' #so yeah!! some thoughts and behind the scenes info for anyone who's bothered to read this many tags #idk these things just feel like Tags thoughts not Post thoughts #anyway thanks for all the love this one has gotten!! i'm glad people are still enjoying it though *will voice* it's been a year mike #byler

[pinkfey]

while i’m in an atla mood my big twenty-year-old shipping hot take is that zvtara would not nearly be as popular as it is now if zuko was the bald one and aang was the one with emo hair 🙈

#i wish more women would admit they projected hard into katara and want her to pick zuko because they would have picked zuko #instead of the whole ‘katara was a mother to aang’ which is so blatantly untrue not only did aang view her as another kid like him #but he was raised communally he has never been in need of a mother figure that’s not something missing from his life #these ppl misread every character in the show istg lmao Especially katara #anyways i’ve never been a zvtara bc i believe that boy is gay and also katara’s big round ass 14 year old head looks so goofy next to his #like not only is the age gap gross but it Looks wrong. she looks too young !! #anyways. yeah i think that kataang was handled weirdly in the show but the big big reason lots of ppl dislike it is because #aang wasn’t attractive to them as a kid. like i truly believe is it that shallow 🙏 #anyways.txt #delete later

[lemonhemlock]

it's so frustrating dealing with a friend that seems set on finding imaginary slights against their person and seethes in silence waiting for you to figure out what you did 'wrong' this time 🤦‍♀️

#this is the fifth time since october i've invited her somewhere to catch up and she said no #always with some excuse #which. sure. i can't verify #maybe the 8th time in the last year she refused for some reason or another #but there's only so many times you can give someone the benefit of the doubt #when she never initiates anything and just waits for us to ask her out #and if you don't happen to do that within the secret interval of time she is available and which she never discloses #she registers it as a slight #i'm so tired of these stupid mind games how old are you/?? #also she is SO hard to get hold of. never answers anything on any messaging app for days on end including the weekends #even if the proposal is time sensitive #girl you are NOT that busy bffr #i remember we invited her to see barbieheimer and she did not freaking answer on time. as usual. #and we had to get tickets without her bc the time slots quickly sold out #and ofc she was pissed at us bc she's can't be bothered to reply 🤦‍♀️ #she always is pissed even when it's clearly her fault #when she clearly sees the message bc she DOES check the apps whaddyaknow #and the one time we did manage to see each other she had the gall to propose that we go out more often!!! #and then never initiates anything and refuses everything #ik if i were to recount this to a third person they would tell me she already checked out of this friendship #it's so stupid #having to walk on these eggshells #bc we didn't even have a falling out she's just finding pretexts to become offended #that was been her modus operandi since the freaking pandemic #good lord the stories i have #lemonposting #anyway i'm bummed out now

[snaxle]

im just sick of feeling guilty for spending money 😭😭 ..

#og #i wanna save my money so bad but the past year has been really hard on my family. lots of bad shit has been going on #and i just wanted to get stuff to treat everyone so we can have a nice holiday and to show them i love them #but now i have less money in my savings and it makes me really sad </3 #im trying to save my money up to eventually get a car which will allow me to get a better job and be able to move out #although i probably wont be able to move out for another few years bc. everything is so expensive #although my mom is trying really hard to find a job even tho i really dont think she should bc she's sick. but like. we're poor #and it's even sadder bc my younger brother wants to get a job to get some money too and it's like. no please it's fine #we can handle it you don't need to help out we're okay right now #OOF SORRY FOR VENT.. #next year i just really hope i'll be able to like. save my money up a lot which. idk if i can #so to make myself happy i get myself a lil treat here and there otherwise im probably gonna get depressed LOL

[unicornofgt]

alright, i have come to the decision i am keeping this blog up as an archive and leaving the gt tumblr community for the foreseeable future.

when i made my post about chamomile-g-tea’s damaging treatment of my story, gtms, my goal was to acknowledge the situation so i could hopefully move forward and restore gtms/my blog as mine again, without her influence. and while i anticipated backlash, some of the responses were just...downright disturbing. lots of comments echoed a victim-blaming sentiment that i am responsible for the emotional and creative damage done to me by another person because ‘why didn’t you just say no or tell her to stop?’ not only does this ignore the several attempts i did make to express discomfort and set boundaries—which were not respected—but even if i didn’t manage to express a ‘no’, that doesn’t make what happened ok; it doesn’t erase the year of crippling pressure and guilt i lived with and still struggle to shake daily. realizing that so many people in this community think otherwise is just...disturbing. it’s disturbing. that’s the only word i can think to use.

the response to all this does not make me feel safe being here—that’s what this situation has unfortunately showed me: that the audience i hoped to allow to view my reclaiming process would also contain the same crowd who make me feel so unsafe—and why the fuck would i let those people see something as personal as that? why would i let them see anything? it’s made me understand i can’t continue to heal myself and my writing if i am posting it for other people, especially harmful people. and even though it turned out this way, i’m glad i gave it a shot; that i made that post as an effort to see if it was even possible or worth it to restore this space—even if the answer was no! absolutely fucking not!—because it saved me from even more time spent sharing my work with people who do not respect me as a person or a creator. i’m glad i tried, however much it sucked, because it allowed me to understand: it is not just one person in this community i feel unsafe with, but a solid percentage of the community at large that i just cannot healthily engage with, and no amount of blocking will fix that.

but of course this is not the only situation that showed me this community’s true colors—the dismissive or outright aggressive response to the calling out of racism in our tropes has also been deeply disturbing. to clarify, there is no problem in identifying with and finding comfort or catharsis in problematic tropes such as the pet trope, but there is a problem with using that comfort to make others feel unsafe and speak over people of color. and the solution to this trope problem is very simple—generally apply critical thinking skills to the media you enjoy, and tag your shit properly (dead dove, particularly when the giant owner/abuser doesn’t face consequences and/or if the abused/abuser fall in ‘love’—dead dove is not actually currently used in this community, that’s the problem). but rather than taking this as an opportunity to listen and improve, it was instead used as a chance to lash out at and make clear that poc are not welcome in this community and come secondary to the feelings of white creators and readers.

over the last few years, this community has fostered and been exposed for bigotry such as terfs, ableists, racists, etc, and especially in the current political era, this is no longer a community i want to share my work with or even just lurk in. and i know on the surface this community seems progressive, but take a better look and you’ll find members of the community doing and saying…questionable things, or keeping quiet and enabling their friends who do and say questionable things because they would rather be passive and polite than be genuinely kind and compassionate through active accountability.

of course this is the risk you take interacting with any person ever—but it’s especially taxing to look around at such a small, close knit community you know is riddled with these problems and wonder if the people making innocent posts are actually harmful; if they prioritize their comfort over the safety of marginalized people, if they even see you as a full person, and for me, personally—if they are willing to overlook consent to blame you for your trauma and defend the person who inflicted it. it’s taxing to explain basic basic concepts to strangers over and over in a place that prides itself on being a safe space, where people just have fun and mentally escape from irl hardships. it’s taxing to ride out shitty, hateful treatment when you are just simply one person (voluntarily providing free services btw) with only so much energy and fucks to give. it is not worth the strain it puts on you as a person, nor is it your responsibility to sit there and accept it, and i am not the only creator in this community who feels this way. we are fucking tired.

quite simply, this is not a community i feel comfortable participating in or sharing anything with. and that’s a shame, because there are wonderful, creative and caring people here who i have enjoyed sharing this space with, and maybe someday i’ll give this community another chance, but currently it’s just not worth the time of day. and i want to make it clear: my leaving is not simply because of just one person or just one situation—that i could handle—it is the community itself that is the root problem; that continues to be harmful, in multiple contexts—that is the reason why i and several other creators are leaving for greener pastures and more enjoyable communities—or just simply for a fucking moment’s worth of peace, because lord knows you won’t find it here.

#i considered making this post just ‘yea i feel unsafe here i’m leaving’ #but i did want to post a clear explanation for mutuals still here n the ppl who come across my blog in the future #instead of leaving it to speculation and guess work #so i wrote a fucking essay lmao #but there are more personal details i didn’t go into bc they’re distressing and some of y’all are straight awful<3 #however i will say you are not inside anyone else’s head if they say they feel unsafe it is not for you to question that #anyways privileges to myself and my writing are officially revoked #when i’m ready to share writing it’ll be with close friends in private #and maybe eventually on another site like ao3 but if that happens it won’t be for a while #and if i do post gtms there it will prolly be v different from the version here bc it’ll be the restored and improved version #i hate the version on this site<3 #for now i just need to get back into the swing of things bc rn it is. so hard to Think at all #i’ll also be doing things on my fandom account i am just leaving this community bc good lord #if you told me a month ago i’d be leaving this community i’d have been devastated but now? #having seen sm of this community’s true colors one after another? #i don’t give a fuck now #the only thing i feel is relief #the community i thought i was apart of does not exist and it made me physically sick to realize and experience that reality #for all its problems i did not think so MUCH of the gt community was this vile #i’ve run this blog for years and closing this chapter just brings me closure and peace #and to those of y’all who are alright n still here: good fucken luck lmfao wish y’all the best dealing w this shitshow #gt community #giant/tiny #gt #g/t #sfw g/t #gtms #gt mech suits

[hiveswap]

Being an older sister in a dysfunctional family living separately from the parent who is raising the kid is like actually being subjected to all circles of hell whenever you think about family too hard

#i want to be a good sister but i have absoutely no time i dont know when they want me around either because they wont call #and i mean. the kid is half a year old already. fuck #i want to help!!! i want to go hang out!! i want the sort of family my peers have!! #its 12th year i need to study so much and they dont live in the same city as i do. #i have to take the bus back home and then keep going from there to another city if i want to visit #last time my father spoke to me it was a text on my birthday asking if im home. when i said no he didnt even respond #last 2 times i visited them it was me initiating despite him promising he'd also call more #i dont feel like he actually wants me around. thats fucking stupid but like the guy has a baby now why would he need a grown ass adult kid #before she was born i wouldnt have give a fuck honestly cause he sucks. but combined with the fact that again i wanna be involved. #and im worried about his parenting bc he 'parented' me so hard im an avid tumblr user now #im certainly in a mental state today bc ive been thinking about this since i heard a baby make cute baby noises on the bus today.... :(