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r0b0t1me · 1 year

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"#sorry i can only make snippets of scenes and never elaborate on them#unless someone asked me to. huehue" i am begging. you to elaborate the "train me" sketch on the upper right 🥹 and any jr. hcs you have that u wanna talk abt (but only if u want).... also pls your coloring and expressions are INSANE but this is nothing i havent told u before!!!!!!!!! i just think your sketches have so much story bleeding out of them. its great

so funny thing about the train me one....

some of these are ideas i know ive talked about already, but im pulling a lot from idw where casey copes with fear/anger/insecurity by picking fights and attempting to be a vigilante. leos always the one who portals him out of jail and patches him up but the more i think about it, raph could help in managing his anger or taking it out in a more productive way (duo missions perhaps?), even if he cant unpack the mountain of trauma caseys got on his shoulders

i cant help it that the scene where casey cusses out leo is engraved in my brain forever. the kids a jones, on top of the constant violence in his life, anger feels like something that would come pretty naturally to him in order to cope* (i know he was raised to be a soldier, following orders and keeping a check on his emotions to carry things out, so i feel like the moment he doesnt have to fight a war and keep himself in line for the sake of other people anymore everything just kind of pours out of him) donnie has easily spent 1000$ in new sandbags for the dojo

*not that i think casey is inherently violent or always upset. but i think the kids a bit messed up sometimes from the. yknow the Everything

from riches and wonders by the mountain goats. casey jones, the restless ghost who cant feel at home

actually yknow what lets make this post a mile long who cares. i wanna explore casey hanging out with all the boys. i know i focus a lot on him and leo bc their dynamic is so twisted but i need to draw him hanging with mikey, learning to cope with self expression that he never got the real chance to do in wartime. him being around donnie and the two of them both learning they can support each other while still trying to protect their family in their own way (talking mainly abt casey helping donnie with his tech here, since donnies neurotic as hell abt security after the movie to me). casey getting to know raph in general, a living legend to him. and of course cassandra, something i was too afraid to touch on before but now i think im confident enough to try and tackle at this point

i dont think ill ever get around to writing a whole story but i know eventually casey finds stability. in my mind i see him getting a job where he helps people (something in a medical field, maybe). he has a good relationship with his family, and practically lives with them 75% of the time. leo is the one hes closest to, of course. he travels the world alone after a few years and cries over fleo never getting to see it, but knows that wherever his master is that hes at peace, knowing that at least casey had the chance

i have more to talk about but im running out of steam and im starting to get embarrassingly heartfelt the longer i ramble so um- (EXPLODES)

#asks #and AUUGHG THANK YOU ANDY ToT #i have this problem where im plagued by random ideas that play out like movies in my head #and it would take an infinite amount of time and effort to realize them all #so it bleeds out into walls of sketches like that #like taking screenshots out of them #long post #i mean it

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magireco · 3 years

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Would love to hear more thoughts on how these girls have understandable teenage motivations (A+ tag analysis by the way)

1. Thank you!!!!!!

2. ALRIGHT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (shuffles my papers). i’ve gone off about homura’s motivations in depth before but i think it was only in dms/groupchats? anyways i’ll go in order with All the girls bc i think about this all the time as a teenager who grew up mentally ill and had their perceptions skewed because of it, and also i don’t think it’s talked about nearly enough for the others, at least on my blog... so, buckle up!!! this is REALLY LONG!!!!

3. i tried writing like, an individual thing for every member of the quintet all together in this one ask, but i ended up talking a little too much about homura and now i’m going to split up all the different analysis stuff for each character into the reblogs and work on it every so often! you’re free to kinda skim of course because i really did write a whole novel but here we go!! read under the cut. :3 this is literally essay length btw. i did NOT expect it to get this long but if you want to read it all i’d recommend it but i don’t expect most people to

First: Homura Akemi

okay so i’m going to kind of summarize everything but from the perspective of empathizing with her so if you don’t want to reread a whole recap you can skip to the ending few paragraphs

Summary

first of all, in episode 10, homura’s past is explained for the viewer. she was a shy, unsure girl who had been bedridden for a long time. she was clearly unsocialized, not to mention she went to a catholic school and those can be brutal, esp in japan... that’s all we know about her in that episode, but it’s revealed in one of the drama cds that she was bullied as a child(& further at mitakihara middle), her parents never were mentioned ever (i assume them to either be dead or neglectful, considering she lives alone and unchecked), and in magia record, homura says to natsuki that she’s never had friends before, she hasn’t been on vacation before until the beachside bonds event, hasn’t ever celebrated valentine’s day, has never celebrated new years, etc...

clearly, she’s missed out on a lot not only because of her sickness and hospitalization, but because of her isolation as a child at school. judging by her demeanor and the way she reacts when madoka comes up to her without being asked to, something like that had never happened to her before. it’s clear to me that madoka was many of homura’s “first’s”, her first friend, the first person who reached out to her, the first person to compliment her name honestly(validating her, disproving her dislike of her name), the first person to regard her so kindly rather than judging her based off of her appearance and demeanor (like other students had apparently done, this is also shown when the other students at mitakihara middle make fun of her for being tired after only being able to run one lap). AND, madoka (and mami, but homura knew madoka better at that time) saved her life, even though homura was so willing to die, just in that moment... i’d assume it made homura feel like someone believed in her even when she was at her worst. it’s really clear by the glimmer in her eyes that these are nice people that made her feel happy and welcome... and then walpurgisnacht came. she didn’t know much about magical girls and just believed in madoka and mami to be able to defeat the witch because she saw them as strong and saw the witch as defeatable, despite its size. and then mami died, right in front of her and madoka...

this kinda seems headcanon-y when i phrase it this way but it’s practically proven in her actions but i really think homura is scared to be abandoned, especially by someone who was as overtly kind and nonjudgemental to her as madoka... it’s in the way she cries her name and says “don’t go” before madoka runs away to fight walpurgisnacht. OH ALSO, i need to address this one thing really quick because people like to assume that homura didn’t care about mami from the beginning and only liked madoka. it’s not that she wasn’t sad when mami died, she was clearly terrified and didn’t want the same to happen to madoka, also mami LITERALLY WASN’T IN HER CLASS OR HER GRADE so i assume she spent most of her time with madoka considering they were in the same grade and class and probably shared most of their periods with each other... but also, once again, mami is older than both of them and homura probably saw her as more of a mentor/teacher that she needed to impress rather than madoka who was more on her level, i guess?

anyways, moving on... homura had to see madoka die (& experience the crushing guilt she felt for “letting madoka go” even though there was nothing she could’ve done) and literally says “i’d rather you had lived than saved someone like me” ... her self worth is below zero. she makes her wish to be strong enough to protect madoka(because she sees madoka, her first friend, who saved her life which she felt had no worth, as so strong and noble) which causes her to go back in time, etc. etc., you know the deal. okay before i move on to talk a little more abt the timelines and the personality change i’m going to address why it’s reasonable that she’d be attached to madoka.

i mentioned before that homura said herself that she had never had a friend before. just like, put yourself into her shoes for a second. this girl has no idea how to make friends; it was never taught to her. it’s literally rational that she’d get attached to her first ever friendship. it’s not “normal” the way she views madoka, but how could it be? this is her first time having a friend, she’s afraid of being abandoned by her, but she’s had to see her die over and over again anyway. she doesn’t want to lose madoka. even if she doesn’t go about it in the right way, there’s no way she would’ve actually known how to Do relationships. no one taught her. i think that needs to be empathized with more...

i kinda feel like i need to summarize all this just bc if i word it right it kinda reminds you & puts into perspective just how terrible and scary all of this was.

anyway Again, i would skip straight to the end of timeline 3 (where a New Flavor of trauma is given to homura) but i need to first address timeline 2 for a second. it was homura’s first time repeating the timeline, she trained with madoka and mami again, she was still hopeful despite what happened, etc. kinda just bonding further with madoka Again... and then it’s at the end of this timeline that she watches madoka turn into a witch, just in front of her very eyes... and realizes the true fate of magical girls. when she resets the timeline again, it’s up to her to start anew and break the truth to the group when she sees them again. when she tries telling the truth, sayaka immediately shoves this aside, claiming homura was just trying to split everyone up. it’s clear that that hurts homura. (also the little shinies in her eyes were wavering which is anime-code for sad) her feelings were immediately disregarded by sayaka and she couldn’t defend herself, but madoka did for her, and mami tried to diffuse the situation.

after they all find out homura was right when sayaka turns into a witch, mami kills kyoko and ties up homura in her ribbons and aims a gun at her, and this, rightfully, ignited a fear within homura... madoka is forced to kill mami in order to save homura, leaving only the two of them to fight together. then, when walpurgisnacht comes that time, The Promise is made... madoka tells homura to go back in time and save her from becoming a witch (because she doesn’t want to curse the world that way, she still sees beauty in it) and homura agrees, saying she’ll never stop until she saves madoka, and then... homura has to mercy kill madoka before she becomes a witch. she cries loudly and shoots madoka’s soul gem... it’s literally so heartwrenching and (usually) brings the viewer to tears, or puts something into perspective for them...

then we assume the personality change happens in the timeline right after. this personality change causes a lot of discourse because sometimes it’s seen as kind of irrational, but personally, i think even moemura had at least SOME resent for the world around her considering what she’d been through. it’s madoka’s repeated deaths that finally push her over that edge. i could get further into the coolmura arc but that’d take a WHILE, so i’ll just kind of explain something briefly though -- why homura ended up becoming even MORE focused on madoka. and i’m also going to debunk the claim that homura doesn’t care about her other friends as fast as i can before moving on.

also, ONE LAST side tangent, for those that think homura really did do a 360 degree personality turn are wrong. it’s shown explicitly in homulilly’s labyrinth that there’s this... “core” homura, a shadowy purple silhouette with braids. every time the series depicts homura’s internal self, it’s always glasses+braids, symbolizing her “child” self, who she truly is. she never stopped being that person. she doesn’t want to kill. ...but i can get into that in a rebellion analysis later! this is also shown in wraith arc bc the person inside her soul gem has glasses+braids. anyway let’s get to the next part i’m going to rant about

Homura’s Love for Madoka, but Otherwise Apathy

homura has seen many different, yet all similar, versions of her friends. the first claim i’m going to talk about which i saw brought up quite a few times before is in regards to homura and mami. first of all, homura absolutely still cares for mami, and not just in the “i only care about your life if it affects madoka’s” way. one part that always gets me is when mami ties her up in the series timeline after homura frantically warns her that this witch isn’t normal, to which mami IMMEDIATELY brushes this off, without even giving homura a chance. then, when mami’s ribbons fade away, homura looks horrified and just goes “oh no...” and it’s kind of obvious to me that it was in response to mami’s death rather than madoka’s reaction. this is arguably up for debate i guess because i’ve seen different takes on that reaction and it’s ambiguous, i guess? but i’m about to get into something extremely similar and that’s the sayaka situation, where madoka throws sayaka’s soul gem onto a moving car. homura gasps and immediately pauses time and disappears, running in literal open traffic and climbing on top of a moving car to retrieve sayaka’s soul gem. one could argue that this is ALSO only just because homura wants to save madoka (and kyoko) the fear, but don’t you think her expression would be different? if homura truly didn’t care for sayaka’s wellbeing, wouldn’t she be making an expression more similar to like, “oh, this shit again...” instead of the frantic one she was making in the scene? this kind of thing Also happens when kyoko asks homura to leave while kyoko’s about to sacrifice herself in oktavia’s labyrinth, and homura looks up sadly at kyoko and then back down at madoka, and once she knew kyoko was dead, she just quietly said “kyoko...” to herself. she usually refers to them as [last name, first name], but she dropped that during that moment... it otherwise sounds like a bare minimum thing to do, but keep in mind the timeline we’re shown in the series is implied to be like, the 110th timeline, i think? like, this is the last timeline, she’s worn down, but she still does have empathy -- or at least sympathy -- for the others. she still loves them.

homura promised to be madoka’s protector, she dedicated her life to her, and also she doesn’t have a choice not to dedicate her life to her anymore, even though that’s not fair to her... homura is in a really hopeless situation and madoka is her hope, and madoka is the one that judges her the least out of the quintet (like saying “i’m sure homura is good” to herself) upon first impression. also okay i mentioned this already in my last post (which you saw) but i’m going to bring it up one more time, homura is not mentally 26!!!!!! she is still 14 mentally!! in order to be 26, you have to have experienced 26 years of new life experience. maybe you acquire that through school, maybe you aquire that through friends, whatever it takes. but homura just repeated the same month over and over, and it’s not like her body (canonically) ages ever. she just kind of gets transported back into her body in the hospital again considering she’s back wearing her braids and pajamas... so, yeah. no mental development there. i also mentioned this here but i’m gonna say it again, that just makes it even harder for her to actually age correctly... it stunts her to 14. imagine being 14 for 10-11 years...

In Defense Of My Own Claims

btw before you think i’m just going full-on radical homura apologist, i’m not explaining all of this to be like “homura made ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS because her trauma gave her an excuse!!” because like, Obviously, she did a lot of bad things, she killed people, did a lot of callous things, a lot of thoughtless things, a lot of things that make her seem emotionless, etc. but i just have trouble blaming her considering how things ended up, and it’s not like she enjoys killing people. she’s not sadistic... she ends up becoming short with all the others not only because of her (extremely) weakened trust in them, but also because the amount of times she repeated the timeline. i’d imagine it makes her feel like the others can’t truly die because she can just go back and see them again. (this is also why wraith arc/post-tv series must’ve been hard for her because she can no longer turn back time, things are permanent now, deaths are forever) she’s become so worn down that she’ll do anything to escape the loops... also considering she has no choice but to continue? although it shouldn’t be, it’s technically her job as a magical girl to defeat all witches and walpurgisnacht counts. it kills magical girls and tears up the whole city and she’s usually the only magical girl left... her choices, when defeated, are either to give up and die or to go back and try again, and she made a promise to her first ever friend to do just the latter... i just don’t understand how this isn’t easier for people to comprehend, that all of this trauma and stress and responsibility on top of an already traumatized 14 year old does not mix well. ever. she had to figure out all of this by herself.

TL;DR:

homura was a previously traumatized, unsocialized 14 year old with (very)low self esteem & self worth whose first friend (and first love, really, let’s be honest) died in front of her in horrific ways and she watched as she (and the other friends she came to make) drifted slowly apart from her in her endless and futile attempt in saving her from what proved to be an inescapable fate. also she’s 14 and also she’s (canonically) mentally ill and a lesbian. not a monster, not evil, not “psycho”. and that’s that!

#asks #luna-mistrunner #homura akemi #analysis #THIS MAY HABE TAKEN ME LIKE 2 DAYS ON AND OFF

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years

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continuted hxh thotz

we watched more so i continue my ramblings

so we finished the trick tower stuff and started on the stuff on the island where theyre all hunting each other....wow finally some hunting in hunter x hunter

can i just say....fuck hisoka i hate that guyyyy oh my goddddd hes the worst. i just feel incandescent rage whenever hes on screen vhbjdshfjhbsd smarmy horny clown bitch. looooord. he invokes a similar emotion to part 1 dio tbh....like i lose my domestication when i see both those bitches

oh god that part where hisoka had just spent like hours de-hornifying himself or w/e and he looks all crusty and dehydrated and then he spots that old guy who looks kinda ghibli and he just goes AFTER ghibli man....like hisoka literally had one of those wack ass super detailed faces and just started screaming and running at that guy...like man i wouldve died instantly on the spot. jesus

gon remains best best perfect baby boy. every time he does something so cute and pure that my heart starts palpating, i get even more nervous for the shit hes gonna go thru someday

gon and killua are literally soooo precious theyre just two lil boys!!! two lads!!! lad boys! augh i love how much theyre vibing all the time...like on the boat to the island when theyre like refusing to tell each other who their target is and then they both start laughing and then show each other....so precious

honestly im really enjoying how they dont really have a rivalry (yet?) - theyre not like ‘yes we are friends but we’re also COMPETING! so we cant be That nice to each other bc that wouldnt be fair! or w/e you know that typical shounen stuff. i only enjoy that sometimes and im glad its not a thing rn, and if it does become like that later i probs wont mind bc i feel like itd be done well

so ruth and i caught on to the fact that that weird guy with the pins stuck all over himself was illuminati or w/e his name is (illumi? illumini? i forget already) but HOLY FUCK we both thought he was wearing a mask....god i wish that were the case, that face transformation shit was the WORST. sir why can you do that

also when hisoka just watched this and was like ‘i always like seeing you do that’ or whatever god gross nasty i hate them

my take on the little we’ve seen of hisoka and illumitations relationship: theyre like the catty mean girls-types but Super Fucking Weird. idk if theyre gay togther (probably) but theyd be the epitome of a ‘is this allowed? [gestures at All That]’ couple. i had more thoughts on them but i forgt

i find it funny that they havent shown killua like at all during this island hunting thing hvbhsdhfbjdk he probably has like 10 randos badges already. i feel like he would give gon a badge or 2 if gon needed them but that doesnt seem to be the case

when hisoka spotted leorio and kurapika and went after them i was like [guy yelling NOOOOOOOOOOO meme] freal

thank goodness kurapika could recognize that they would Fucking Die trying to fight hisoka, and bargained w/him instead. also seeing the flashback of leorio trying to fight hisoka was so funny. my man WHAT! were you thinking

this is probably the stage that tonpa is getting out on and can i just say thank god i hate that guy. good riddance

that sniper lady looked cool and im bummed illuminty took her out offscreen :( i also thought the black guy with the beehive stick thing was gonna do more but guess not

i find it funny that so many characters have these loud character designs but end up not having a lot of screentime...i feel like ive been conditioned by one piece to see an eye-catching character and mentally prepare to see a wholeass backstory lol

also. illunikn is clearly a huge freak which is probably why hisoka is willing to work w/him, but his design is weirdly cute sometimes (when hes not doing absolutely freaky shit, which....admittedly isnt often)

like the part where he transforms into his True Cat Man Form and then, without changing expression, digs a giant hole with his bare hands (with the body language of a feral person) and then gets into it to nap.....like.....bro.

also ik illiminini is killuas brother (i think brother?) and wow that family has some strong Cat genes

i find it interesting that hisoka has been working with illiimini this whole time, hisoka strikes me as a solo type of guy who would be all like ‘teamwork is beneath me’ and only have minions (a la dio, espec p1 dio) but he seems to have a fairly even relationship w/illuimian which is wild. i rlly wonder if thatll last or if hisoka is gonna like, murder/abandon ilubimi later bc he ‘gets in hisokas way’ or st

i like that kurapika and leorio teamed up....married

i generally really like how the relationships between the main characters are handled, its sweet how theyre just like....generally nice to each other and stuff lol

also oh my god i forgot that last time i hadnt seen the end of trick tower i need to talk abt that

KILLUA MY BOY OH MY GOD....ive been waiting for this ngl. ily smug murderous catboy

i love so much how killua casually kills this ~*~scary guy~*~ and everyones like :0 but gon is just like yep thats killua! hes from a family of assassins! like the way he says it so casually and kinda cheery aw i love him. he doesnt even care that killua can murder people in 2 seconds flat, he thinks killua is AWESOME

and oh my god i love how hard killua is trying like, all the time. he is trying his HARDEST to be AS COOL AS POSSIBLE for gon and thats adorable. its working too gon clearly thinks killua is SUPER cool

the eternally hilarious part where kurapika asked what killuas secret tactic are re: ripping that guys heart out, and killua is just like ‘uh i just ripped it out. yknow...as one does..’ and kurapika is like wow im glad this murder catboy is on our side..

the psychology stuff in the trick tower was interesting as hell (catch me brushing off my psych minor like, oh yeah i know abt this stuff lol)...i like the stuff abt leorio getting discouraged/disgruntled when the majority ended up being against him a lot bc thats true!! thats how it works!! it leads to learned helplessness and stuff like that...also that animation of kurapika and leorio playing cards to explain the tough candle choice was sooo cute

i really loved the solution to the final majority rule things....ingeniously following the rules while still managing to circumvent them in ways...love it

also gon is so perfect have i mentioned that already

im so curious whos gonna pass the hunter exam, i legit have no idea and i would find it so funny if gon becomes a hunter in the first goddamn arc hjhbdfhsdjbgk as ruth said, itd kinda be like luffy becoming pirate king in like chapter 70

i mean tbf if i had to guess id say gon passes, simply bc i cant see the story taking the time to have him do the hunter exam again in a year. also his motivation is to become a hunter in order to see what its all about bc of his dad - not JUST to become a hunter

gons fishing rod is so cute. perfect item for a perfect boy

his training was adorable. hes a smart lad! formidable baby

the blooderflies were so cool and OH MY GOD how could i forget the part where gon had two blooderflies with little leashes on and had the leashes tied to one of his fingers....OOOUGHHHHGBSJFHSJBFUHEJKSDD bro my heart literally palpated like it does when my cat does something rlly cute, gon is seriously That cute and pure and good

every time hisoka is anywhere near gon i just wanna call the FBI on that clowns ass oh y god. pls leave ladboy alone....

anyways i love the main characters (HISOKA DONT INTERACT) and i cant wait to see what happens next. i might have more thoughts but coherency is not one of my strengths so bye

#lj watches hxh #hollaaaa #more ramblings from me #im too lazy to do a true liveblog so this mess will have to do lmoa #*lmao #i just retyped that tag bc i spelled lmao as lmoa and then i did it AGAIN god fuck this #hxh

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namuneulbo · 2 years

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week nineteen

this week was so much fun !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

monday was a normal school day and after that i spent a lot of time packing.

tuesday was yet another normal school day and in the evening l was part of a tiny concert thingy and performed two songs so i went to support her. there was no where to sit so me, e, m and s had to stand through the entire thing.

once i came home i finished up packing and around 11 my mom drove me to the train station. it was a lot of firsts for me that night so i got a bit overwhelmed and cried a bit. nothing too bad but i got a bit teary-eyed. it was my first time travelling alone, it was my first time on a night train and it was my first time on day ferry in YEARS. i havent been on a day one since i was like,,, 10?

i didnt sleep too good on the train (i had a compartment) but i slept way better than i wouldve on the ferry. i slept w the window cover open so i could look outside when i couldnt sleep. it was quite nice just very loud and shakey.

idk if ive mentioned this before but im terrified of sleeping at ferries and in general a lot of stuff about ferries freak me out a bit. i think its just the concept of a big heavy ass boat in the middle of nowhere... HOW DOES IT FLOAT? anyways, the day ferry was a lot better. i get quite anxious at night so i think not being anxious helped a lot w not shitting myself. i went w the newer boat that i used to like less than the old one but after travelling w it alone i learnt the layout of it more and i understand it now and the internets good on it so i honestly have no complaints about it now. i had prepared for shitty internet so i had my phone filled w games that dont need wifi, i brought my mouse and mousepad so i could play sims (although i ended up just making sims which doesnt really require a mouse) and a book (more specifically we will get through this night).

oh right, i forgot to tell u where i was going, right?

i went to stockholm.

once i got there wednesday evening, i met up w my sister at the subway station. she helped me charge my subway card and then we went straight home since it was evening and we were both tired.

thursday was quite uneventful tbh. not that it was bad, just we had no plans. i did go into the city by myself which was exciting. i went to three stores, the first one being punkt shop. i had in mind to get some patches to iron on my jeans bc of an eyeliner spot i got on them so i wanna cover them in patches. minhyuk would be proud of my custom jeans.

anyways, i didnt find any cute ones there so i continued my journey to bengans to look at albums. ig i originally didnt plan on buying any but i did have in the back of mind a thought going “if they have shape of love or a wjsn album, im gonna get it” and what did i find? ONE SINGLE SUPER YUPPERS! ALBUM. it actually wasnt there the first time i looked when i just looked around quickly but i went back to really study their sortiment and there it was thanks to the person who put it back and only got one version of it instead of both. the purchase was so impulsive i literally grabbed it the second i saw it, did a lil jump in happiness and went to queue to the cash register. the people in front of me had all been looking at the kpop section at the same time as me and i had accidentally started queueing in front of them so i asked if they were queueing and they were like "yeah" and i apologized and went behind them. one of them (HOLDING A MONSTA X THE DREAMING ALBUM) was like "omg wjsn!!" and i was all like "yes! omg! theyre my fav group!" and they were like "save me, save you is their best song!" and i was like "totally!" (i lied, i dont have a fav song). i then took that moment to mention monsta x too since OBVIOUSLY there was a fucking ujungbebe in front of me!!!!!!!!! (for context, i ult monsta x and my fav gg is wjsn.)

ALSO HI IM SORRY IF THE SPACES ARE WEIRD IM WRITING THIS ON MY PHONE ON A BUS AND I WAS WRITING IT ON MY LAPTOP BUT IT DIED SO UHHHH ILL FIX IT ONCE IT HAS SOME BATTERY !!!!

well, i walk out feeling happier than ever bc i now have my first wjsn album and my first gg album in general. i went by tiger to, once again, look for patches but they had none.

friday. THE day. conan gray concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i went to queue in the morning and arrived around 10 am. i happened to walk past two ppl on my way there and it sounded like they were talking about conan so i turned around and asked if they were going to the concert and they were so we walked to the venue together. in my itzy era. not shy! not me! itzayyyyy!

well,, i queued two hours alone before l arrived. i did kind of expect it to be awkward but not THAT awkward. we hugged and then barely talked. like i said earlier i was in my itzy era on friday so i even brung myself to ask questions and she only replied w short answers and stuff and it was hard to keep any convo going w her. i dont blame her though, she mightve been really shy and i know what thats like.

so u know, technically i kept myself company all of the seven hours i spent queueing. i didnt talk to the ppl i met at the subway station either. only every now and then wed exchange some words. i went on two bathroom breaks, one when i went to the closest mall to get something to eat and to also pee and one like an hour before enterance. i was so stressed for no reason on the second one. i had been contemplaiting it for like 40 mins before deciding to actually go.

since i had vip1 tickets i was part of the group who entered first. i realized there and then that i couldve just arrived at that time instead of queueing bc everyone got mixed up and the number system we had made in the afternoon was all thrown in the trash. we walked in and got our goodie bags. i didnt check them before coming home that evening but they consisted of a tote (THAT IS THE CUTEST TOTE EVER AND IT WAS A REPLACEMENT FOR SOME CAR DICES BUT I PREFER THE TOTE SM MORE), a necklace, a lil wooden box and a signed post card thingy.

since i had vip1 we entered first bc of the q&a. i had been a bit stressed in the last queue inside the venue bc i thought i would get a shit spot but i ended up getting one person in front of me and throughout the concert i got pushed to barricade so i spent like 70% of my time w a barricade spot !!!!!!!!! i was so happy since i brought a pride flag and it was so big i couldnt hold it up unless i was barricade.

the q&a was amazing. i was a bit sad they couldnt use all questions but conan was the sweetest ever. hes so effortlessly funny. we werent allowed to film so i didnt but i think it was nice to really be in the moment. i could feel myself just staring at him in awe. he also sounded sm like what he does on video???? like ive noticed that a lot of the time, celebrities have a more high-pitched voice irl but he sounded really like what im used to. hes also even prettier irl???????

then we waited more and mallrat came on and her and her dj were amazing and so hot. i hadnt listened to her music beforehand but she killed it live !!!!

then.... conan. omg. HE WAS SO GOOD. hes such a good performer and i was just in awe the entire time. i feel like i had quite a good mix of in the moment and recording too but i think my goals for my next concert is to be yet a little bit more in the moment but i think kot being allowed phones during the q&a kind of,, helped w that since all my focus was on him obviously. we also had like eye contact for 5 secs so were married obviously.

now. to the best part. oh my fucking god. okay. so. during people watching he walked down the staged and went to run past us and like give us a running high-five and i touched his hand !!!!!!! well, our fingers BUT it was something BUT it gets better,,, the second time when hes running the other way he grabs my pride flag and holds it for the rest of the song!!!!!!!! oh my god, i love him endlessly. i was shaking so much and i couldnt even sing along i was just,, in shock. like, yeah, obviously i was trying to get him to take it since i was trying to make it as visible to him as possible and waving it during and after songs so i was expecting it but yet when it happened it felt like a dream. conan gray has held my pride flag. i can die happy.

after the concert a security guard gave it back to me and i was smiling so widely and while walking w it it felt like the biggest flex ive ever done in my entire life and i think it was tbh.

saturday. i went out to eat w my sister and her boyf. we had vietnamese food and it was so good omg?????????? i loved it and the restaurant was so pretty.

later we walked through monki and weekday before heading to the store. they had just gotten fully stocked w vegan chocolate so my sister wanted a bunch of it. we went home and watched some program while having a salad for dinner and the salad was so good ?????? i always eat sm good food while im at my sisters place bc her boyfriend cooks so well.

we then played board games and had some snacks. it was a really nice way to end my short trip. i also got my sisters boyfriends old the 1975 sweater which is lit !!!!!! i love the 1975!!!!!!

oh and my sister and her boyf lives w their friend and shes the sweetest human ever. shes always so invested in what im doing and what i like and she makes me feel so included all the time. like when i was looking through the album i got she saw and got so invested and asked me a bunch of stuff and she complimented it sm and made me feel so listened to even though she doesnt listen to kpop :(

so yeah, i left this morning and my sister accidentally turned off her alarm in her sleep so she couldnt say goodbye. i was a lil sad bc i love hugs even if theyre the sad kind. i think i get a lil extra emotional when i hug my sister too bc my familys not that touchy but when my sister moved out we always hugged when we met and before we left. like, the first time i remember like,, having skinship w her is when i was like 14 and we were holding hands so we wouldnt get lost in the sea of ppl at a twenty one pilots concert. bruh, i feel like crying, i love her sm.

i went up on the wrong side of the subway station so i had a little longer walk and i got a bit stressed towards the end even though i knew id arrive in time to the ferry terminal. this time i went w the older boat and omg it sucked ass? i cant believe i used to prefer it over the new one. its so shaky and has so little charging stations and has such ball-sucking wifi. never again. i did get to watch some yt videos though and i had a lil conan gray marathon in the morning while the internet connection was good and then watched monsta x stuff throughout the day. ive been in love w the inssaopp videos w minhyuk and hyungwon. i can feel them becoming comfort videos. i love inssaoppas editing and concept and stuff, its really funny and then add my fav kpop group in the entire existence of kpop groups to it + my ultest ult bias of ult biases???? perfection.

im writing this on the bus omw to the train station. ill be waiting at that train station for two and a half hours and i was really nervous about it earlier since its in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere but theres quite a lot of ppl on the bus so i feel safe and much less anxious rn. this thing literally scared me more than the ferries when i realized it after booking the trip.

sotw: conan gray - people watching

#diary #tumblrdiary #namuneulbo

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jokeson-u · 3 years

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i feel like talking about myself bc i do better coping and thinking when i have to articulate my thoughts and i dont feel comfortable enough about this stuff with my therapist or friends so ill do it here where no one will care lmao

drug, sex, depression tw under the cut

i gotta lot of things to say. idk where to start. i guess freshman year of college cus it was shitty. i was in a community college living at home and transporting to school by train. i went to each class maybe like 3 or 4 times and then just stopped showing up and instead. for some reason. decided to spend my days riding the trains or sneaking home to smoke (weed, i dont smoke tobacco and ill get to that later. actually i can just say that now i dont like cigarettes bc my parents chose buying cigs and alcohol over feeding me and my sisters when we were kids. also why i dont drink.) so i dropped probably at least a solid $500 that semester on food and ubers (train was free with the student card) and weed (actually no i just took all my bud from my dad so). i was severely depressed and just dug myself further into that hole by not going to class because no way could i tell my parents. then i like ??? idk had this dude over my house and stuff happened and i felt rly shitty afterwards and didnt rly know how to tell anyone. then later later my ex bf texted me cus he was sad and i had visited him the month prior and we had sex and it was not good. like i felt safe with him, ive known him since i was 13 nd we’ve been friends since then too, but he was a shitty bf both times we dated (sophomore year and senior year) and like .. i dont regret sleeping with him, bc he is someone i trust despite or weird relationship to each other (like we text maybe once a month for a few mins to check in sometimes), but i also. idk. that was my first time and i think virginity is a social construct but at the same time i wish i had an enjoyable first time. like maybe i was ok with it then bc i was trying to overcompensate for my experience with that guy from earlier in the year and not feel so used bc i know my ex at least cared about me and he felt bad afterwards bc it obviously was weird but. idk. it was just a really horrible time like... i felt like i had no friends bc they all treated my shitty and where gone to school anyways. i had no one to talk to, or felt i didnt, and everytime i tried id get in trouble. like i felt so trapped and depressed and didnt know how to get out of it. i was in the negatives in my bank account and didnt know how to pay it all off. i was hanging out with/spending money on/smoking with people i didnt even like just so i wouldnt be alone. it was rly rly shitty and one of my lowest points. but at the end of the semester i told my mom the idea of going back to school made me miserable so i dropped out and started working for my cousin for a little bit. then i got really really sick and got diagnosed with crohns disease which sucked as it but then i spent my bday throwing up with a 103 fever and had to spend the following week in the hospital which also totally fucked me up bc i didnt eat for almost that whole week bc the staff wasnt giving me food i could eat despite me telling them over and over. plus it was during covid so i couldnt see anyone or have any physical contact and it was just horrible. but i couldnt smoke during my time in the hospital obviously so i had a tolerance break and it was kinda nice to smoke again after that but? i dont rly smoke much anymore, my friends are all gone, i have no space or time to anymore. my friend always says u cant be addicted to weed but that first semester i know it was a dependency issue and i was glad that im past that but sometimes i get worried i guess that im too dependent on stuff like. my carts (which techincally arent weed bc theyre delta 8 so its legal) and im spending way too much money on those now too and UGH i hate feeling like i cant control myself bc my parents addictions fucked me and my sisters up but this is different cus i dont have kids or ppl relying on me but it still scares me bc i dont even ever feel high anymore when i smoke (weed OR cart) but i do it anyways in hopes that ill feel SOMETHING again and its just a constant cycle. anyways then this year i started working part time and then full time which has been good. but now next month ill be out of the full time job and im stressed about that. ok thats all for now folks bye

#drug tw #Personal #capital P

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dirt-mccracken · 6 years

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answer all the numbers

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britishb3atlemania · 6 years

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ive been stressed tf out since last night bc my friend invited me to a new years eve party downtown and my ma would gaslight the shit outta me so i wouldnt b able to go (im super easily manipulated even as an adult and bc my younger brother has been a complete asshole to the whole fam recently i dont wanna ~add~ to that and theres just a bigger expectation for me to b perfect) but my dad talked to her and last min let me leave after dinner to catch a train downtown (40min away) but it was like... a lil late notice basically i spent midnight at the subway lmfao but thats whatever like i got the the party fine and friend was already sloshed

which was nice to see her have a good time and i started drinking but keeping in mind not to b too fucked just to make sure she ok bc i love her right

but she gets so disastrous (drunk and high on weed AND two bums of coke) and calls this shit white guy she had a crush on 3 yrs ago who ghosted her and she now HATES and basically drunkenly tries to convince him to let her come over to have sex

and like her friend (lets say Doug) and I are here hearing this and know she caNNOT go out is in NO condition to let alone go fuck someone atm bc its hella fukin yikes...

we keep pipping over the phone (she was on speaker) to this white dude named Asswipe that she is too intoxicated on a lot of stuff to go out, and this is a terrible idea and as the sober one on this he should give her a definite “no” so she can leave it be.

He doesnt (bc men are scum lmaooo)

Basically makes me extra anxious for many reasons, from less to most important:

-My ma/grandparents are pissed at me for ditching new years for the first time and my abuelita has depression and when shes rlly upset will call me crying and manipulate me so i was terrified of that lmao

-I have terrible social anxiety and I begged fam to let me come to be with my best friend for a special night, even though its at her friend’s house with so many ppl i dont know. Also bc the plan was i was allowed to crash the night there with her but now shes trying to run away ALONE to this dudes house and leave me. And im selfish and felt rude and anxious to spend the night at a strangers house w/o her.

-I reminded her i came here for her and im anxious if she leaves and she just told me ~jokingly~ that she cant fuck me bc im taken and neither cant Doug bc he’s also taken so at least with Asswipe she can fuck someone. Which i think is like... a ginormous low but she was sloshed so i tried not to let that get me all upset

-I had a p similar experience of a ~friendly acquaintance~ taking advantage of me when i was drunk and it has fucked me up since and i told her abt this in confidence so she knows how bad that is and it was rlly getting to me thinking my friend could go through that tonight

-Additionally, if someone is so fucking intoxicated they CANNOT give consent in that state SORRY but idc how many times u say ur consenting “despite being high/drunk” if you keep stumbling over ur feet and about to vom all night and drop ur phone every 2 sec, etc, u ARE NOT in a condition to make such a heavy decision

She ends up tricking us and runs away ALONE to this guys house who I DO NOT KNOW the address of. Asswipe knows perfectly NO ONE approves of this, knows she is PLASTERED, and hes not, heard me say this is INCREDIBLY YIKES AND TAKING ADVTANGE OF SOMEONE

So 3 of us at the party rlly care for my friend and are super pissed/concerned/anxious, Doug, her friend who through the party, ie. Karla, and I. Doug has to go home, Karla and I take an uber with friends to a house party someone overheard her talking about going to. turns out she tricked them and didnt go there obvi

Karla has Asswipe on fb, messages him and demands him to call her an uber and send her home, even offering to pay it herself. He gave a bs answer of “idk if she wants to/// she’s fine”

My friend basically ignored all our calls/texts for 1.5 hrs, finally mssgs back Karla (bc even tho weve been friends forever i know and am self aware shes closer to Karla now and her uni friends which is an insecurity but i get it lol), then me. Mostly interacts with Karla but barely says much.

Wont call us when we ask, tells us not to blame Asswipe, thats shes fine, some happy new yr bs

Idk i was so worried and pissed and anxious so i just flat out told her that i love her but if she thinks she is sober enough to make that decision then she should be sober enough that it was a shitty move on her part to leave us like this when she knows we’re worried sick.

Hasnt replied to me since lmao. But she DID mssg back Karla in the morning to tell her shes fine. I leave Karla’s house early bc fam stuff, but she shows up later to pick up her stuff. I guess theyre fine now

But she hasnt replied to me all day, hasnt mssgd shit.

And i hate it bc i just hope she was fine (Karla says shes good) but i know my friend and she is more attached to her than me and it just kind of breaks my heart that they can make ammends but me who was worried sick and was with her the most to make sure she was ok and all the same jazz as Karla and Doug, she wont mssg me. I already caved and sent her a mssg asking if she was ok and she still hasnt replied and im just... not doing ok now lol i turned this into a selfish thing abt me but i am so worried for her and i just hate that im not allowed to be worried for her or be angry ever bc its like... any excuse for her to stop being my friend...

this was so long and if someone read it i love you ugh im just so... lost idk what to do. usually i apologize even when something is not my fault bc i dont want us to not b friends. But this fuked me up and i just sincerely hope it doesnt fuck her up wtvr the fuk went down with her and asswipe so i dont think its an ok situation to make myself into the one that is wrong... bc i dont think i am... but ugh idk second opinions gr8ly appreciated

#super long ass vent but im stressed and anxious #if anyone actually reads this and has advice like...#anythin #i will be eternally grateful #im just heartbroken and worried lmao

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stylesbicon · 7 years

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hey um sometimes there are personal things i want to put on here bc they need to go somewhere but also theyre really hard to get up the energy to post so like heres one of the things thats been on my mind for weeks and it kind of blends into the other thing thats been on my mind

so music has been a huge part of my life for pretty much all of it and i love it and playing and singing and writing make me feel whole and i was never amazing at instruments but i was pretty decent at composition and i trained to sing for years

i was in choirs and show choirs and musicals and took voice lessons and it was one of the only things people had told me i seemed to have a natural talent for and i loved it and i wanted to go to school for it and sing for a living andddd

then i stopped, partially because i thought “following my dreams” and going to school for music would be like a waste of money (lmao bc it wasnt so much more of a waste getting a spanish degree) but also because i’d always been in girls choirs and even though i didn’t understand at the time exactly why i felt uncomfortable continuing to sing in womens’ ensembles, i didn’t want to keep doing that and those were the only opportunities available to me at the time

so its been a few years and just recently ive been starting to sing more again when im alone and im realizing exactly how much i missed it BUT also im very very rusty and all of the techniques i’ve spent years learning seem so far gone, and im not as good at reading (or especially writing) music or sightsinging and all of the skills i worked so hard on and was so proud of are gone, when i’m just now realizing id love the opportunity to keep going with this and even see where it takes me and like

its the most frustrating feeling in the world, because there’s so much i want to do in my life that i feel is on hold until i start testosterone and get top surgery and look and sound passably cis and i know that’s a problematic concept but the only fields i’m super interested in getting into are teaching, which “think of the children!” if parents find out im trans lmao and singing/performing, where even though i can hit most of the notes in guy songs my base range isn’t quite there so it’ll never sound right until my voice changes and

theres just so much else that i feel stuck on (i’m still living with my mom because it’s so hard to find a roommate of any gender that would be comfortable living with me who id also be comfortable living with, let’s be real my job prospects are a lot slimmer and i still get misgendered at the job i do have 100% of the time) and i’m so ready and so close to getting this transition show on the road but ive been terrified of my family’s reaction and that’s literally the only thing holding me back because i hate confrontation and i can’t lose them, and i just feel like there are no resources around here even if i did want to get things started

and meanwhile i have all these big dreams i cant even possibly think about

at work yesterday this guy was telling me how he was a spanish teacher and i told him i want to teach and he was like “but you’re a white girl what are you doing here you can do whatever you want” and im like hoooo boy if only

so many opportunities i’ve already had i’ve lost and i’m only now realizing that a lot of those were lost for these same reasons of anxiety and dysphoria

like god somebody help get me out of this hole im stuck in !!!!

(my only hope is that i’ll actually have the guts to come out to my family on national coming out day and that i’ll have the strength after that to start hormones whether i have their approval or not. BUT i really really really want to be moved out by then just in case)

#personal #g #encouragement would be good tbh

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benverlesbians · 5 years

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not to be irritatink and pls do not rb but like. i LOVE that this girl im kind of seeing, who i didnt really want to see and am not really a good match with romantically (or even really like socially but shes kind of the only person ive bonded with in my 9am film class bc once i get even vaguely attached to a person I'm like 'yep no need to accrue MORE of those' so at this point it would be mad hard to detach platonically, let alone r*mantically) but i kept like. ignoring signs bc it was easier to just go along with things than to be like "nope! bye!!" esp bc like we Do have fun together??? she is overall a fun person to be around so long as like. certain topics are avoided. and she's better than most ppl in my life abt acknowledging that im allowed to have boundaries and a life beyond her needs from me, asked me to self-tape an audition for a staged reading she's directing originally for a fairly important fairly large part WHILE I WAS LAID UP IN BED WITH THE PHLEGMHEAD FROM HELL and then gave me new direction (which was useful bc i had like no context) but didnt wait for me to finish filming it before putting me in as "the lead" whose only lines are sentence fragments cut off by symbolic manifestations of her social anxiety. and on the one hand you could take it like "oh, your first reading lined up with what she wanted for the lead" or even "you weren't fast and responsive so she gave it to someone quicker/demoted your amount of lines to make the whole production easier for everyone" but also like. She applauded her "diverse" casting bc she has theatre BAs AND BFAs, AND me, the one non-major. and that means all her classmates/similarly trained cohort are doing the interesting, brief, meaty parts, where they dont even have to be off book for the final thing, but im gonna be building an entire interior world for a character who says about twenty words in ten pages and i have to come to every rehearsal bc I'm the one constant on stage, and then once we finally talked abt what the show was and i helped her do some planning stuff she was like "can we go on another date soon?" which makes me think this was all an elaborate ploy to ensure constant time spent together and maybe a slight sense of obligation. and i don't want to think badly of her in that way, esp bc of lots of personal reasons between the two of us, but also like. Im the only non major. Im the girl she asked herself on a date with. Im the girl whose fucked up family life and stress levels and baggage have interfered with us consistently hanging out. and im the girl she cast in the least textually interesting but most present role. like literally she does nothing. there are no stage directions. my only clue is "shes having a panic attack" and even that isnt like written well, which isnt on her bc she didnt write the play but still. and i cant help but feel like something abt this situation is amiss even if its in a way i cant really put my finger directly on or articulate in any successful or meaningful way, and i don't know how to fix it, and i don't know if theres like. Not To Be Dramatic. but like a way out of this situation.

#the things #anyway thats why you dont date bfa actors kids

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rokusensei · 6 years

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ok so its 2.24am on the 25th of september i moved in on the 22nd of september so the saturday i spent the whole of saturday having a really awful breakdown that just sapped all my energy out and then on sunday i half continued it half messed around for a bit , went up to the store to buy some stuff i had forgotten, ate a bit and found out i need to not eat nothing because my stomach is not the way it used to be at the height of that little eating disorder as mine, sat aorund a lot. on the 24th i did all my enrolment and my induction day speeches which was a lot . doing things at university definitely is a way to stop feeling so weird and alien but it still doesnt do it that much for me... lots of students from this country came to university with their friends and they point at notice boards to names of other people, older than them, from their schools, and its like wow, awkward.,,

i had dinner with some international students though so i feel a little better about idk everyting even though i hyperanalyse the whole thing and everything i said and everything they said but its like whatever i have to force myself to let go a little bit . and one girl i met a while ago at the open day is here as well which is a huge relief just to have another face i recongise and thats about it

flatmates i havent really spoken to and i feel like a freak for not doing so but what else can ido..i just sit in my room and cry on and off so imm thankful i have internet friends even if they have to see me talking to myself about how lonely i feel and etc etc etc. and im thankful i dont live too far away from home and can visit a lot . because i need too not just because they got a cat the second i left but because im crazy and i dont feel comfortable anywhere else.. idont thik im ready to move out at all and forcing myself to this year was a leap a little too soon and im probab;y saying this early but whatever maybe if i was living by myself itd be different but sharing with flatmates i dont really know or can be comfortable around at all freaks me out so i end up avoiding them when i want to go out to the kitchen or anything and i just spend a lot of time sitting nervously in my room . le sigh. i dont know.i hope things get easier bc thatwould be epic but im not holding out for hope and i have 3 books i need to read for next week and theyre all huge (paradise lost, the pardoners tale, the bible) and its like if noting else goes well at least i can sit alone in my room and read those, think about that, spend even more time by myself, but its fine and its easy to read on the train and its easy to sit at home and read and just be in my bedroom instead of being in this weird freaky little room that im scared of

something else i should say for future me cringing down atall these old posts is when i had my breakdown on the 22nd before my parents left i was freaking out and telling my mother that i feel unsafe and paranodi and im having hallucinations etc and ik she doesnt really give a fuck theway i want hertoo nd she said shed callthe doctor and arrange an appointment for me but she probably hasnt and instead shed rather ask me over the phone why i havent gone outside yet why i havent spoken to my flatmates yet but its whatever i wanted to try and talk to the doctor when i got here just to talk to a doctor and egt some conformation that i am actually like. ill. and im not just super bad at coping with things everyone has bc i think thatd kill me but its just so hard to get towards that and its just so hard to get someone to sit down in a room with me just so i can tell them that i think whatevers going on with me is just not normal

mentor greetings tomorrow at 1pm and then it finishes at 2pm and ijm coming back to my dorm to read and sleep probably.. wednesday ihave some tours at midday.. thursday i have nothing friday i have a meeting with my personal tutor. ive been sleeping a lot these days because i feel so upset all the time and sometimes it feels like everyones a little sick of my endless breakdown but whatever im in hell and this is going to last all year probably .so i end up sleeping a lot and walking around the local streets a lot and theres a bunch of stuff on this week like freshers fairs and stuff and i want to join these unions and clubs and societies but you know its hard. theres 3 diffwrent journalism ones and id love to join one of them but its like what do i haveto say. at all. do i have anything to say. bc university is all about finding out who you are and what you want to do and etc etc etc but rly who am i. at all.

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saintkimora · 7 years

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ooh a lot happened on thursday and friday. my fave part was when my sociology prof literally gave up in class bc we “looked bored”

so on thursday my first class was sociology and for some reason the topic of the lecture was nyc? i literally have no idea what that has to do w sociology esp when he spent so much time teaching us about his “alternative plan” for how nyc should be run. his plan was that there would be no cars allowed. anyways it was super boring obv and he ended class like 20 min earlier than when its supposed to end which he literally NEVER does. he was like “folks i just cant take looking at all of your bored faces, it makes me feel like im failing as a professor. idk maybe ive just lost my touch. class dismissed” like hes always so sensitive asfjadgnadf like last time when someone accidentally made a sound while yawning in class he went OFF he was like “youre lucky i dont know which one of you just yawned so im just gonna say whoever did it youre a fucking asshole and your parents must have done a bad job raising you for you to have no fucking manners. asshole” like...its a 9am class ofc people are gonna yawn LMAO hes so dramatic and he was like “if whoever did it doesnt come forward by the end of class and apologize im done trying with you guys” like this is the most cracked prof ive ever had

then psych was pretty uneventful except for this one part where i saw the 2nd hottest guy in the class (vikram is first obv) he came in wearing shorts even though it was still cold out and he had such nice hairy legs AND he had ass i was smitten. his name is hassan and hes so cute and has like cute dark brown eyes and he has nice facial hair

then in anatomy we watched the best video in like...the history of man. we are currently doing the heart so i guess this has to do with it bc its about heart attacks. so the prof pulled up this video from extreme pigouts about the “heart attack grill” and it was the FUNNIEST video i was literally crying in class while we were watching it. it was the most ive laughed in like...a year. like its called the heart attack grill bc its so unhealthy and they serve like quadruple burgers and stuff and the funny part is that all the waitresses have to dress up as “sexy” nurses and they refer to customers as patients and orders as prescriptions and they like check the patients vitals before taking their order ASFNAKFENGSK and the person who started the restaurant is a DOCTOR and they showed him on the grill pressing the burgers with a stethoscope lmao and they use so much lard and instead of like a salad bar they have a fry bar like it is just the messiest restaurant and my new dream is to work there as one of the nurses. and it was even funnier bc my classmates were so grossed out and confused

after it ended my anatomy prof looked at me and he was like “i think perry enjoyed that a little too much...lets all pitch in and get him a gift certificate for it” ooh my man noticed how much i was laughing

then on friday the first thing i had was this budget training for the treasurers of the clubs. theres like 4 dif dates for it since they wouldnt be able to fit all of the treasurers in one session so i went to the first one and it was just 2 people including me (the last training thing was 3 people including me) and the guy doing the presentation was the same guy from the last training and he is like... literally THE cutest. his name is claudio and he is a grad student i think and i usually dont care for guys w/o facial hair but it works for him bc he is just so good looking! like he has nice hair and lips and the cutest smile and he has some of those mole/beauty mark (?) things on his face and he has like gay voice (but he has a gf rip) and he has a nice ass too and his mannerisms while talking are so cute too like...i love him. anyways the actual presentation was whatever but im gonna have to write out the gsa budget for next semester soon and it is stressing me out

then i had a little over an hour until my next thing so instead of going home i decided to go to the library and work on my orgo lab stuff! i only went bc it was a friday so i knew it wouldnt be too crowded. so ya it was nice i was able to do like half of my next mini report

then at 3 i had to go participate in a psych study bc we if you take gen psych you have to participate in studies. and it was iconic bc we had to complete an online personality survey beforehand and then i came in and she gave me a print out of my results and then she went to go print out the debriefing forms while i read my results and it said for future problems i was at risk for having a “socially avoidant personality” or something and this analysis DRAGGED me it was like “you will most likely end up alone you will lose all of your friendships and relationships by your mid 20s and any marriages you have will not last” i was bald then a while later she came back in and i had to fill out a form for how i was feeling rn and then i realized it was a trick lol and she was like yeah we give everyone that analysis and it was a test to see if people use their phone to escape stressful situations and we’ve been videotaping you this whole time and it was true i guess bc after reading it i did go on my phone while waiting for her! but idk if it was really applicable to me bc i wasnt really stressed i was laughing about it bc i know not to take these kinds of personality tests too seriously but yeah that was a fun little trick they tried to pull on me

also i reinstalled grindr and kyle started messaging me but he wasnt free at all this weekend bc his mom came to visit smh but after that we are going to start seeing each other. he is fine w either a relationship or just hooking up but i told him i wasnt ~emotionally available~ for a relationship when actually i am just not with him bc once freddy has time for me in his life again im gonna go back to him

#personal

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