#but from the start it's almost like sab was restricted in a way it never would be able to meet its full potential | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starvingtauruss · 5 years

Text

a series of missteps pt. 2: toxic relationships

I’m not using tags for this. I don’t want anyone else to look at this and find inspiration in what I needed to say; I just needed to say it so someone might actually read it because otherwise there’s never going to be a chance I will get better.

so I've never actually analyzed my relationships with the people around me until I got really high last night, so this is that shit storm of thoughts.

I can accredit my mother and her friends for implanting the first thoughts that I wasn’t good enough into my brain. It started in middle school, the most vulnerable time for most children, and I was already struggling with my physical appearance but not to a point that I was worried about it. This is was the first time she told me that I needed to lose weight and criticized how my clothes didn’t fit right. I kept the same pair of size 00 skinny jeans in my closet until freshman year trying to force my body into them, and hating myself when I couldn’t. I would get criticized every time I grew out of a pair of jeans or a shirt and was terrified of trying to put any bottoms in the pile of clothes for the garage sale because I knew I would be berated. I attributed this to asian culture. Her relatives and friends were the same way.

In high school, my track coach, whom I adored, told me that I should buy a pair of jeans that are a size too small because I’ll work to fit into them, and that if I bought a pair that fit looser, I’d gain weight until I fit into those instead. I was told I had the height and strength for pole vault, but that my weight would hold me back regardless of the fact that it was something I had the flexibility for and drive to train for. He watched my diet and made me run extra to keep my weight down. No one fought him about it. I was the only girl who got extra running.

There was the boy in high school who looked at me and told me I was too big for any guy to like me, that my thighs would crush any man who walked too close. He was the boy who pulled the trigger, because I’d suffered from disordered eating for two years up to this point, but I was still eating. After him I dove headfirst into uncharted waters, and instead of a seriously restricted diet, it was a diet of air. that year I dropped 40 pounds and everyone just told me how good I looked and how much prettier I seemed.

My last boyfriend was the only one who saw through me; he made me eat and he forced me to recover when no doctors could coax me away (my family had gotten me diagnosed but I’d refused treatment- to keep that part of the story short) from the voices in my head playing the comments of my peers on repeat. I gained back that weight and then some. I performed better in the sports I was still in and graduated at a healthier weight,

then he broke up with me right before college, after being present in so many life experiences, and it took almost nothing to send me right back down my rabbit hole. I refused my depression medication (my mom wanted me to stop taking it anyways so this got her to leave me alone with my own thoughts [we have an odd relationship in general]) and I sat in these heightened emotions letting them swallow me whole. I didn’t get out of bed for a week unless it was to pee. I lost 12 pounds by the time I managed to get out of bed and get on a scale. the tears left permanent stains on my sheets and there’s still an indentation in my mattress of how I laid on the bed that week; I don’t sleep on that side of the bed anymore.

I lost 20 pounds before college started, and all of my mother’s friends were telling me how beautiful I looked and how I should be a model. This was only inspiration, but I felt a. tug at my heart and tried to pull back and just live healthy, right? that didn’t last long. My weight fluctuated within five pounds for ten months, but I wasn’t looking or feeling any better no matter how much I lifted, and when I got home for break I was hearing the same comments about gaining weight and not being feminine and needing to lose whatever weight I’d gained whilst gone to college.

Now we’re here, and I’m in too deep to leave what I’ve gotten back into. I can’t turn around like I did a year ago. I have to be perfect.

There’s a new boy. I’ve mentioned him before. I found his ex on instagram with some stellar stalking (I’m the person people go to if they need to find someone or something online; I rarely fail) and she’s pretty. I don’t know why they broke up, but his friends have called her fat before and I don’t ever want to be called that if I’m going to be his and eventually not going to be his if that happens. They can say everything else, but I refuse to be called the fat ex. I refuse to let the reason we ended be because I’m not pretty enough, and for that we’re sinking further and further until I’m where I want to be.

If you read this far, I’m not romanticizing what’s wrong with me. I’m not asking you to be inspired what I’ve written. I’m just expressing myself because this is the only place that I truly can. Thank you for reading, if you read all the way through.

If anyone EVER wants to talk, my DMs and asks are always open, and I’d respond as fast as I can. Love ya’ll

-Sab

3 notes · View notes

fardell24b · 4 years

Text

Changes in Time and Space - Interlude 1 - Cloister Bell

Interlude 1 – Cloister Bell

In the TARDIS (Travelling through the Vortex)

After the Doctor, and her companions (with the help of UNIT and Torchwood), had defeated the Drahvins, the Doctor, as usual, didn’t stay around to mop up in the aftermath of the invasion. She and her companions had hurried back to the TARDIS and left the Azores.

The Doctor knew that the TARDIS would go off course again, so she had set a random course. She had charged out of the console room into the corridors, leaving her companions. Daniel glanced at the indicators. From what he understood, the TARDIS was again going off course from the random trajectory that the Doctor had set. “I wonder where we are going now?” he wondered. He then saw Jia'hale heading off into the corridors also.

“I will be in the bathroom if you need me,” she said, as she ran off. She wanted to strip off her clothes and relax.

“Of course she would be,” Daniel said.

“She had a very rough time of it this time Daniel!” Sabir said, then thought, ‘I would too if I had fought those Amazons.’

“I suppose so,” Daniel said, then left the console room.

“I have had a difficult time also,” Felicia said.

“All of us have had a difficult time,” Sabir said. She pondered. It wasn’t just today either. It has been a busy week, or two.

“Definitely,” Sigrun said.

Felicia left the console room after Jia'hale.

“What do you think that the TARDIS was trying to tell Felicia when we arrived in the Azores?” Sigrun asked.

“No idea, it could be anything, but whatever it is it would be private,” Sabir replied.

“I agree,” Daniel said. Being a private person himself, he didn't like it when Sigrun pried into others affairs. Not that she did that all too often, just mostly after rather dangerous adventures...

“It could turn out to be important,” Sigrun said indignantly ‘If the TARDIS told me something, I would tell the others, especially the Doctor.’

“It possibly could be, but then it would be the Doctor's business, not ours,” Daniel said.

“I suppose so,” Sigrun said.

Felicia had gone to the library. She was looking for records of the Doctor's earlier adventures that had been recorded by historians. She was certain that she would have collected some of that information. She decided to start with an encyclopaedia.

Jia'hale was now relaxing in the bathroom. ‘This is what I like after a day of chasing after Drahvins, and Terileptils,' she thought. She began to think about what she would do when she managed to get back home. Maybe she would finally tell her family about her travels in the TARDIS...

The Doctor was deep in the TARDIS. She was replacing the storage device with the Time Lord AI's back where it had come from. She hoped that he would never need to use it again, yet she knew that something would eventually happen that would require her to use it again...

In the console room, Sigrun and Daniel were still arguing about whether they needed to know what the TARDIS was trying to tell Felicia.

“I don’t think we do need to know, Sigrun.” Daniel said.

Sabir was trying not to pay attention to their argument whilst watching the console instrumentation. She noticed that the TARDIS was indeed going off course. Could there be a pattern to the changes...

He noticed that the TARDIS was now heading away from Earth, towards The Library, which he knew wasn’t right. As much as she liked the largest Library in the Universe, and enjoyed talking to CAL, Sabir didn't want to think about what might be wrong there now...

“...If we don't know, we might get killed or something,” Sigrun said.

“Or the reverse may happen...” Daniel said.

“Possibly, but it’s better to know!”

Daniel rolled his eyes.

Felicia was reading an encyclopedia article...

Reports of this figure are often contradictory, with different faces and companions being reported. One consistant aspect, however, is the presence of a strange blue box being reported at most locations where the Doctor has been spotted.

What else is consistent, is that the Doctor is most often accompanied by a young female travelling companion, even though it is often a different person (or persons) each time.

‘Well that’s obvious,’ Felicia thought.

“This is strange,” Sabir said.

“What is?” Sigrun asked after Daniel had left the room in a huff. She knew that she would win the arguement.

“The TARDIS is going beserk, usually the course changes are slight, but it is going all over the Milky Way!” Sabir exclaimed.

“I suppose that there must be a reason?” Sigrun pondered. “There has to be! The TARDIS can’t be doing it just for fun!”

“Your guess is as good as mine, first it was headed to Arles in 1914, then to Trenzalore, then back to Earth, in orbit early in 2005, and now it is headed to somewhere called the Medusa Cascade,” Sabir reported.

That got Sigrun's attention. Something was certainly up. “Any information on what that is supposed to be?” she asked.

“None, I can't get anything on it. It’s either in a restricted data storage area, or it the TARDIS hasn't got any information on it.”

“It’s most likely the former,” Sigrun suggested

“I guess so.”

Felicia was still in the TARDIS library, there was information about the Doctor's past activities, but it was scarce. “Lets see, I think Shakespeare met the Doctor at some point,”

She mused as she entered the aisle with information on the famous playwright.

The Doctor had placed the storage device back where it was, and was now heading back to the console room. She had to figure out why the TARDIS wanted to go off course.

She had been thinking about it almost from the time when it started, but he couldn’t come to a conclusion that satisfied her curiosity.

“It is changing again,” Sabir said.

“Where we going now?” Sigrun asked. She was sick of the apparently random changes. She knew that some of the destinations didn’t make sense.

“Somewhere called the Pharos Project,” Sabir said.

“Better than Androzani Minor, anyway.” That was Daniel who had reentered the console room after a spell of boredom.

“How would you know that?” Sigrun asked.

“The Doctor, Sabir, Felicia and I went there some time, prior to meeting Jia’hale,” Daniel said.

“Okay, how did you find the place?” Sigrun asked, thinking about the planet’s interesting name.

“It was very dull,” Daniel said, as he left the console room again.

“Okay,” Sigrun said.

The Doctor was approaching the console room. She could hear the companions there discussing the course changes.

“The TARDIS is now heading to Antarctica in 1986,” Sabir said.

The Doctor hurried into the console room. Her curiosity had been piqued when she had heard what the destination was. She thought that it may not have been a coincidence that the TARDIS was going there.

“Where has the TARDIS been heading?” the Doctor asked.

“She has been heading randomly all over the Milky Way,” Sabir said.

“Sabir has written down all the destinations. She thinks that the pattern may mean something,” Sigrun said, handing over the list which Sabir had written to the Doctor.

She read the list:

Arles, 25th December 1914

Trenzalore

Berlin, 1938

Earth Orbit, 1 January 2005

The Medusa Cascade

Earth Orbit, 10000

...

Antarctica 1986

A grave expression came over her face.

“What is the matter?” Sabir asked.

“This is not a random list of destinations. These are the times and places where I regenerated. All of them,” the Doctor said. ‘What could this mean? What is she trying to tell me?’ she thought. She wasn’t sure what message the TARDIS was trying to communicate by setting courses to those destinations.

“In order?” Sabir asked.

“In reverse order,” the Doctor said.

“What could that mean?” Sabir asked. ‘Why would the TARDIS set a course to those places?’ he thought.

“Doctor! Sabir! The TARDIS has changed course again,” Sigrun said. The Doctor went to the console.

“Strange, I thought it would attempt to go to Gallifrey,” the Doctor said, certain that the next destination would be her initiation at the Untempered Schism.

Sabir also looked at the console. “Intercept course plotted? What does that mean?” he asked. He couldn’t think of anything that the TARDIS could possibly be intercepting in the vortex. Absolutely nothing.

“I have no idea,” the Doctor said. Then the Cloister Bell began to toll!

“Is it intercepting something dangerous, Doctor?” Sabir asked.

“That is a possibility. There may be something out there that it was warning Elisa about. Though why her and not me, I am not sure,” the Doctor said.

“Are you sure that the TARDIS was warning her about something?” Sigrun asked.

“Yes,” the Doctor said.

“What is going wrong now?” Felicia asked when she heard the Cloister Bell.

She left the library and ran towards the console room. ‘Is this what the TARDIS was warning me about prior to the Drahvins?’ she thought.

After a moment of reflection she realised that it wasn’t, because it didn’t feel like whatever the TARDIS was warning her about. What could it be?

The Doctor was pacing the console room, trying to think. An alarm sounded from the console.

“Doctor!” Sabir said, in agitation. The Doctor leapt over to the console, wondering what it was that agitated Sabir so.

“Anomaly detected in Corridor 11-A. That can’t be right!” she said. She couldn’t think of any occurrence when an anomaly had been detected within the TARDIS corridors...

“Doctor, according to the current Architectural Configuration, that location is between here and the library,” Sabir said.

“Elisa!” the Doctor realised. “Sigrid, stay here and watch the console. Sab, come with me,” she continued.

Daniel had heard the Cloister Bell from his room, which was close to the console room. “What is going on now?” he asked no one in particular. He knew that something was happening. ‘The TARDIS in danger? For a vessel that was built by one of the most advanced civilisations in the universe, it sure gets in danger a lot,’ he mused. He wondered what the danger was going to be.

He ran out of the room.

Jia’hale leapt out of the bath as she heard the Cloister Bell ring. ‘The TARDIS is in danger!’ she thought. She ran out of the bathroom, not even bothering to wipe herself off, or to put anything on for that matter...

She knew that there was no time, absolutely no time. Every second may be of the essence... She turned a corner towards the console room.

Felicia ran out of the library and into a corridor. Then she noticed the Anomaly!

It was a large swirling mass that took up most of the space of a ‘courtyard’ at the intersection of two corridors. She could see beyond it, but she knew that it blocked her path.

“That is not good!” she said. She started crying out for the Doctor.

The Doctor and Sabir heard Felicia’s cries of “Doctor! Doctor!

“This way!” the Doctor said. They rounded a corner, almost crashing into Daniel as she entered the corridor from a different direction. They then saw the Anomaly and Felicia, who was frightened out of her wits, behind it.

Felicia saw the Doctor, Sabir and Daniel enter the corridor on the other side. Suddenly a wind picked up and began pushing her towards the Anomaly! She screamed at the top of her lungs.

Upon hearing Felicia’s screams Jia’hale bounded onto the scene, almost crashing into Daniel.

“Jia’hale! This is not the time for your exhibitionism!” he said. She looked totally ridiculous, and definitely distracting.

“This is exactly the time!” she retorted, even though she thought of herself as a naturist, rather than an exhibitionist. Felicia screamed again.

“That is enough you two!” the Doctor said, her eyes on the Anomaly, and Felicia. She got out the sonic screwdriver and pointed it at the Anomaly. But there was no information forthcoming...

Felicia had grabbed a hold of a roundel, but she was loosing her grip! She struggled to keep that hold, but lost it causing her to fall into the Anomaly. She had no idea where she would end up.

“ELISA!” the Doctor screamed. She tried to run forwards, but Sabir and Jia’hale held her back.

“Doctor!” Sabir said as he and Jia’hale grabbed her.

The Doctor’s mind was flooded with questions: Where does it lead? What has happened to her? Why is this happening?

Felicia screamed as she fell into the Anomaly, disappearing in an instant.

The Anomaly then rapidly vanished, and the Cloister Bell stopped tolling.

“What now? She is gone!” Sabir said. ‘How can we get her back?’ he wondered in alarm.

“I have no idea,” the Doctor said. They then heard Sigrun running towards them. She soon came up to them.

“Doctor, Doctor! Shortly before the Cloister Bell stopped ringing the TARDIS detected another TARDIS very close by,” she said.

“What happened?” Daniel asked.

“Of course! Thankyou Sigrid. Elisa is not lost. I know where to find her,” the Doctor said. She immediately set off back towards the console room.

“What does that mean?” Jia’hale asked.

“I am not leaping to conclusions!” Sabir said. ‘Best not to worry over speculations,’ she thought.

“Let’s find out,” Sigrun said.

“Sure,” Sabir said.

“I hope we do!” Jia’hale said. She followed her fellow companions as she brushed off the water remaining on her person.

#doctor who #fan fiction #thirteenth doctor

0 notes

fardell24b · 7 years

Text

Doctor Who: Changes in Time and Space - Chapter 4: Cloister Bell

... Warning: depiction of naturism.

Chapter 4 – Cloister Bell

In the TARDIS (Travelling through the Vortex)

“I will be in the bathroom if you need me,” she said, as she ran off. She wanted to strip off her clothes and relax.

“Of course she would be,” Daniel said.

“She had a very rough time of it this time Daniel!” Sabir said, then thought, ‘I would too if I had fought those Amazons.’

“I suppose so,” Daniel said, then left the console room.

“I have had a difficult time also,” Felicia said.

“All of us have had a difficult time,” Sabir said. She pondered. It wasn’t just today either. It has been a busy week, or two.

“Definitely,” Sigrun said.

Felicia left the console room after Jia'hale.

“What do you think that the TARDIS was trying to tell Felicia when we arrived in the Azores?” Sigrun asked.

“No idea, it could be anything, but whatever it is it would be private,” Sabir replied.

“It could turn out to be important,” Sigrun said indignantly ‘If the TARDIS told me something, I would tell the others, especially the Doctor.’

“It possibly could be, but then it would be the Doctor's business, not ours,” Daniel said.

“I suppose so,” Sigrun said.

In the console room, Sigrun and Daniel were still arguing about whether they needed to know what the TARDIS was trying to tell Felicia.

“I don’t think we do need to know, Sigrun.” Daniel said.

“...If we don't know, we might get killed or something,” Sigrun said.

“Or the reverse may happen...” Daniel said.

“Possibly, but it’s better to know!”

Daniel rolled his eyes.

Felicia was reading an encyclopedia article...

What else is consistent, is that the Doctor is most often accompanied by a young female travelling companion, even though it is often a different person (or persons) each time.

‘Well that’s obvious,’ Felicia thought.

“This is strange,” Sabir said.

“What is?” Sigrun asked after Daniel had left the room in a huff. She knew that she would win the arguement.

“The TARDIS is going beserk, usually the course changes are slight, but it is going all over the Milky Way!” Sabir exclaimed.

“I suppose that there must be a reason?” Sigrun pondered. “There has to be! The TARDIS can’t be doing it just for fun!”

“Your guess is as good as mine, first it was headed to The Library, then to Trenzalore, then back to Earth, in orbit early in 2005, and now it is headed to somewhere called the Medusa Cascade,” Sabir reported.

That got Sigrun's attention. Something was certainly up. “Any information on what that is supposed to be?” she asked.

“None, I can't get anything on it. It’s either in a restricted data storage area, or it the TARDIS hasn't got any information on it.”

“It’s most likely the former,” Sigrun suggested.

“I guess so.”

Felicia was still in the TARDIS library, there was information about the Doctor's past activities, but it was scarce. “Lets see, I think Shakespeare met the Doctor at some point,”

She mused as she entered the aisle with information on the famous playwright.

The Doctor had placed the storage device back where it was, and was now heading back to the console room. She had to figure out why the TARDIS wanted to go off course.

She had been thinking about it almost from the time when it started, but he couldn’t come to a conclusion that satisfied her curiosity.

“It is changing again,” Sabir said.

“Where we going now?” Sigrun asked. She was sick of the apparently random changes. She knew that some of the destinations didn’t make sense.

“Somewhere called the Pharos Project,” Sabir said.

“Better than Androzani Minor, anyway.” That was Daniel who had reentered the console room after a spell of boredom.

“How would you know that?” Sigrun asked.

“The Doctor, Sabir, Felicia and I went there some time, prior to meeting Jia’hale,” Daniel said.

“Okay, how did you find the place?” Sigrun asked, thinking about the planet’s interesting name.

“It was very dull,” Daniel said, as he left the console room again.

“Okay,” Sigrun said.

The Doctor was approaching the console room. She could hear the companions there discussing the course changes.

“The TARDIS is now heading to Antarctica in 1986,” Sabir said.

“Where has the TARDIS been heading?” the Doctor asked.

“She has been heading randomly all over the Milky Way,” Sabrina said.

“Sabir has written down all the destinations. She thinks that the pattern may mean something,” Sigrun said, handing over the list which Sabir had written to the Doctor.

She read the list:

The Library

Trenzalore

Berlin, 1938

Earth Orbit, 1 January 2005

The Medusa Cascade

Earth Orbit, 10000

...

Antarctica 1986

A grave expression came over his face.

“What is the matter?” Sabrina asked.