#but i wanna take my inhaler. and thats delaying that. and maybe thats distressing me more?

[pizzapizzadickz]

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#diary #personal #mmn. yeah the pain is definitely causing a meltdown or something. #bc. i was somewhat okay earlier today. but now im like. definitely not. #and by earlier i mean like an hour ago. #idk if ill be able to do anything today. like i think ill be able to play splatoon. but beyond that probably not. #um. just to try and describe this to myself. i feel like basically sobbing. and im holding my breath inadvertently to prevent that lol #my like chest/diaphragm feels sorta squeezed. but its different from the normal anxiety. it could be the coffee tho. #and i think it was the pain that caused it. bc i was getting rly distressed by it when i was using the washroom. #bc i couldnt take painkillers right then #i wanted to not take painkillers again so ive been holding off. and i think its subsiding. so i probably wont rn. #but im sorta zoning in and out rn. like i remember doings stuff. but then poof! i remember im here all of a sudden. #my fave feels tingly. and my headphones on my head too. #idk. maybe the somg im listening to is making me sad. #idk. i just wanna hit my shoulder where it hurts. or just my legs. #or be wrapped rly tight in a blanket. i think ill lay down under my weighted blanket in a bit. #but i wanna take my inhaler. and thats delaying that. and maybe thats distressing me more? #idk. all i rly know is i feel bad. and i can tell my thoughts are weird. and i feel like crying and idk why #and its making me feel distreased #and i just feel like screaming. but i cant move around and make noises n bring attention to myseld bc i dont like that #so all i can do is stay as still as i can and get progressivly more distressed bc of it and really just sorta dissociate #im not sure whats going on. idk why im so... something. everything feels very funky. and i cant explain it #everything looks weird n fake. i feel so weird. its like im high or something but im sure as shit not. #my arm hurts a lot i think. idk. when its like this it always feels like i just lost feeling in my arm. #like. i can feel and know is there but jts also not. #idk man. im exhausted. im really tired of existing. its such a pain. quite literally. #idk. i just. everythings bad. idk. idk whats going on anymore. so time to try n play splatoon. #but i also rly just wanna listen to this one song with my headphones on that block all sound. but. theyre low on charge. #im never rly sure what to do when im distressed like this. so i usually either ignore it and do what i planned on/feel like. #...which usually causes me to get progressivly more and more distressed until i blow lmao.