#but like seriously how many shows actually have all of these things?!

[dollypopup]

I truly cannot overstate just how much I adore Colin Bridgerton as a male love lead, and how important his story is, in particular in a current, modern reading. We live in a time of alpha male machismo that in many ways mirrors the sexism of the historical time period Colin is in, and we have a hero who explicitly rejects it. More than that, we have a hero who first tries on the persona, first tries to fit in, and then determines, with no outside influence and all on his own, that it's wrong. That he doesn't want to be like the men of his society, that he doesn't like the expectation of sex without love and commitment and connection, that he doesn't want to be 'one of the boys', even if it comes at their derision.

Because when Violet says he has always been her most sensitive child, when he has always considered others before himself, when he has always offered a joke or a moment of levity- for so long, he felt he had to. That there was no other choice.

Colin Bridgerton, The Great Pretender, is finally coming into the light.

Take my hand. Come walk with me.

Colin's arc is incredibly clear, and incredibly dear to me. We can track his progress throughout the seasons he has been in, but if we consider his backstory, it comes even more in clarity.

Piecing together a timeline with some influence from the books and loose historical accuracy, Colin loses his father at 12 and then is sent off to Eton. And he is a tiny thing when his father passes, shorter even than his 9 year old sister, Eloise.

(Yes, I checked!! He's half a head shorter than Eloise, and an entire head shorter than Daphne. This boy is SMALL)

So it makes a lot of sense to me that this is the start of his fake-it-to-make-it personality. He cannot grieve with his family in these circumstances, he's been sent off to school with other boys who are bigger and stronger than him, and he must realize relatively quickly that weakness in their eyes will never be tolerated. In fact, Eton was well known for corporal punishment and bullying during this time. Older boys were well known to mistreat the younger once, and considering just how small and soft-hearted Colin is, and just how vulnerable he is having lost his father-

Of course Colin would become a target of such.

And despite that, we meet him in Season 1 with an endearing earnestness and hopefulness in the world. Something inside him, something sweet and gentle and warm, thrives to live. And fights against grief to do so. How easy it would have been for him to lose his father and be bitter. How easy for him to see his father die from the steps of Aubrey Hall, to be sent to a boarding school away, and withdraw in on himself.

And yet, he doesn't.

At least, not in the way one would suspect. Instead, Colin becomes a chronic people pleaser. If the people around him are happy, then he will be safe. Will not be hurt. And they have no space for his own hurt, regardless. There's hardly even any space for his mirth, as most people didn't even reply to his letters on his travels the previous season.

In Colin's confession in Season 3, he says 'I have spent so long trying to feel less', and this numbing begins early in his life. He's a consummate gentleman in Season 1. He does everything by the book, everything as he should. He wants to be accepted in his society, wants to be taken seriously, wants to belong. So he sees a pretty woman, and he gets along with her well enough, and he courts her. Openly, honestly, in full view. It isn't a heart-stopping love, but he has numbed himself for years at this point, so affection will do, and if proper men of his society are married, well, maybe he'd finally be taken seriously.

And yet, no one notices him, even still. No one except Penelope. His own mother doesn't recognize his behavior, and worries for him after she does. How long has it been since she's actually seen him? We know from the show that he's incredibly close to his mother, and loves her dearly, but we also know that after Edmund's passing, Violet was mired in grief and post-partum depression. Colin misses much of this as a firsthand witness since he's at school, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be able to tell, wouldn't be affected by losing his mother and father in one fell swoop. In fact, Colin loses his connection to the majority of his family in being sent to school so soon after the tragedy. So of course he comes back and he tries not to make waves. Tries to do things correctly.

His friction with Anthony proves time and time again that nothing he does is entirely ever able to fully please him, and this causes contention in their brotherly bond. Of all the siblings, Anthony is arguably the most harsh with Colin. And he is also the model for who a man should be in the family, as the head of the family.

So when Anthony sees Colin earnestly try to marry, he scoffs him off. Accuses Colin of only wanting to marry to have sex, and then claiming "It is my fault. I should have taken you to brothels." This is the first on-screen shaming of Colin looking for connection before sex, and Colin doubles down. He wants to marry for love.

But he doesn't actually love Marina. Neither of them truly know each other, and so when it all blows up, and he is humiliated to the entirety of his community, Colin gets his first taste of romantic failure. He tried to do it right, and it ended more wrong than he could have ever imagined. So, maybe Anthony was right. Maybe he is just a foolish, green boy, who has no idea how to go about things. The fallout of his failed engagement echoes in the persona he puts on in Season 3, and the choices he undergoes during them. Is it any wonder he ends up going to brothels to have unfulfilling sex if even his own BROTHER, the head of his family, tells him to do so?

It doesn't happen right away, though. Despite the fact that no one truly checks on him or sees how this breakup effects him (Eloise dismisses the hurt he must feel in light of such events with an honestly rather accurate wave-away "Men are always less affected", and that is true), it is evident that he is NOT okay.

We leave Colin in Season 1 putting on a mask, a happy face to his family, a 'you inspired me' to Penelope, and then spends his travels sad. Depressed. Taking drugs to try to ease his mind, occupying himself with writing to Penelope. In Season 2, he spends the entirety of it trying to be useful. And he does this with Penelope. He feels deeply for her, he cares so much for her, and he even says it to her aloud 'You are special to me' and 'I will always look after you' and how he could never give her up. Season 2 is a season of healing for Colin- he closes his chapter with Marina with a relationship post-mortum conversation after he does a wellness check to make sure she's alive (let's be real here, no one else was going to reach out to her. She made it clear to him that even her own father didn't want her), makes amends with Will, proves himself useful to Penelope, and departs on a high: he thinks he threaded the needle. He thinks he was successful sending Jack off, that he made Penelope happy, and that he's in with The Boys.

But whilst the person he is around Penelope is genuine, the person he is around these men are not. We know from Season 3 that they don't actually like him. They make snide, underhanded comments toward him, and laugh at him. I stand by the idea that end of season 2 is Fife and Co. laughing at Penelope AND laughing at Colin. They don't care about their friendship, they're teasing him for caring about her so openly, and Colin is protective of the relationship he has with Penelope. So he makes a comment for the boys, and puts on his mask. 'I would never court Penelope Featherington' (look, I'm just like you. I walk like you, talk like you, speak like you) 'Not in your wildest fantasies, Fife' (I am one of you one of you one of you- so why does it feel so hollow?)

He gets, now, his first taste of acceptance from them. They come to him to Mondrich's bar, he repays his slight against him, and he feels he is one of them. (Does he truly *want* to be one of them?) And so when we open Season 3, it's a smooth progression.

Colin is walking the walk and talking the talk, and yet his heart isn't in it. He's not one of these smarmy men, but he mimics them. Their behavior. In part, at least. Whilst Fife is out preying on 18 year old women in coat closets, Colin is telling gaggles of girls how pretty they are and how with such nice dresses, they're sure to find a husband. He makes it clear he's not an option, but that he doesn't mind being a fantasy. And Luke Newton does an amazing job making that clear: there are three sides of Colin. The Colin portrayed to his society in the light in good company (1) and the Colin portrayed to his society in the dark, in. . .less savory circles (aka: The Lads)(2), his 'armor' as his mum calls it. And finally, the most important but the one kept closest to the chest: the Colin of truth. The Colin who cries alone in his room after a breakup, the Colin who doesn't burden others with his feelings, the Colin who writes to Penelope, the Colin who loves deeply and feels deeply.

But his society has no use for a man like the real Colin, they do not *want* a man like real Colin, so he puts it under lock and key. And so much of this is centered around his feelings about sex, so here comes my 'Colin is Queer' soapbox. Colin does not experience sexual attraction like the rest of the men of the ton. He is expected to find it casual and be cavalier about it. To just want to fuck for the sake of fucking. But Colin needs love and romance and connection to actually enjoy sexual interactions. Nowadays, we recognize this as being on the asexual spectrum, of being demisexual, but he didn't have words for that in the time period he's in, so he has to forge ahead to figure himself out without a community identity to find solidarity with. That's what makes the brothel scenes so interesting as a narrative device: in the first, he's masking even in the midst of it, and in the second, he can't. After kissing Penelope, he finally, for the first time in his life, has a sexual interaction that means something to him.

It's the first one he truly enjoys, and the first one that feels right to him. It clicks for him that oh, that's what it's meant to be like. And the strain of that realization whilst still having to be what his society expects of him puts immense stress on his shoulders. You see how he grows more and more uncomfortable about the conversations, until finally he rejects it outright.

Even when it's very much not encouraged for him to do so. He's even told "You are much more fun this season." That's why he hides himself. From near everyone, even his family, even his brothers. It's telling how Anthony's positive interaction with Colin is when they're at the club, and Anthony praises him for his most recent attention. Have we seen much of Anthony being proud of Colin, otherwise? Not really. So he's reinforced in his persona. Doesn't boast of his travels because it didn't have anyone liking him for it, before. Doesn't even say how many cities he's gone to. Except with Penelope.

In the books, there's a line about their kiss, referencing how his world will never be the same. And it won't be. Because when Colin says that she helps him see the world in new ways, it's in a multitude of meanings.

Penelope refuses to let him wear the mask, because in truth, Penelope is the only one who doesn't like it. Not only does she see the real Colin, but she enjoys the real Colin. Whilst everyone else is simpering over Colin's new look and attitude, rejects who he is in reality, Penelope dismisses it, wants the person she knows him to be instead. It's only when he strips down the facades that Penelope allows him into her life again. And her Whistledown article was harsh, but it was also true. He *is* masking. He *is* putting on a persona and a role. But she was wrong when she asked if Colin even knows which is real: Colin knows very well which is real. And he also knows the realities of him haven't been accepted.

When Colin tells Penelope charm can be taught, he speaks from experience. When he says 'living for the expectations of others is a trap' it is because he has already fallen into it, and if he can't dig himself out, maybe he can keep her from it. Colin tells her 'you do not need lessons' and that she is fine exactly as she is, because just as she sees the real him and loves him, he sees the real her, and loves her, too. But they both live in the constraints of their society, and so they both put on the masquerade. Even sometimes to hide from each other.

The current climax of his arc is when he's out with the lads, after they all go off to the brothel again, and he disassociates from the experience. Playing cards and insisting on sharing sexual exploits, to which he does not want to take part, and makes a lighthearted dig at them. 'There is no gentleman at this table'. He includes himself in that, and then clarifies. He speaks aloud for the first time to them the truth of his heart- 'Do you not ever tire of the expectation to remain cavalier about the one thing in life that holds genuine meaning? Do you not find it lonely?' Can it really only just be him?

And it is. Or, maybe it isn't, but the rest of them aren't brave enough to admit it, so they're okay in making him feel like it is, in outcasting him for being a romantic, for caring about a woman beyond what she can provide for him sexually. Colin professes he doesn't like who he's become, doesn't like the expectations for him to behave the way he has, and they laugh at him. Again. He is made fun of, again.

He goes home and he falls in his bed and he feels like he lost it all. Lost Penelope to his own advice, and lost his newfound shine in his community. But when he's faced with which one matters more to him, he chooses Penelope. Unhesitatingly.

Colin chooses to be sensitive. He chooses to be a warm-hearted, gentle man in a society that prefers sexist machismo. Act one way in the light and another in the shadows. Colin wants to live authentically, as a man he doesn't really have a role model for. He is brave and he is tender, he sees the sexism of his society and he rejects it. He sees the importance Penelope has in his life, the way she makes him feel, and he embraces her wholeheartedly. He wants love and romance, he wants connection and meaning.

Colin, The Great Pretender, sick of pretending. Colin, walking into that ballroom and giving Fife the cut direct when he invites him out. Colin, cutting into a dance in the middle of a ball between Penelope and a man the entire city knows is about to propose. Colin staring deeply into her eyes with such unfiltered longing even *Cressida* can't help but notice what's going on. Colin running off after Penelope in full view of his society, outrunning a *carriage* to see her. Begging her to let him in. Colin on his knees, all but flaying his chest open for Penelope to see his heart. Colin made a choice when that candle flickered out, and his choice was Penelope. His choice was himself. And his choice was to flip off societal expectation and to live for love, damn the consequences.

I think our own world would be a better place if modern men took his example, too. Colin Bridgerton as male love lead in Bridgerton, a global show, is such a refreshing, wonderful example. A man who tried to be like what the world wanted, and who decided to go against the gender norms of his time. A man who prioritizes the woman he loves, who risks ridicule in doing so and comes to realize that he doesn't care. He doesn't care anymore about being one of the boys, one of the lads, one of the guys. Fuck his society if his society can't recognize the beauty of what he feels with Pen. He cares about being the best self he can be. And that best self is around Penelope, inspired by Penelope.

Because how he is with Penelope? God, I could swoon. At every turn, he prioritizes her comfort and personhood. He validates her, he sees her in beautiful, positive light and he helps her see herself that way, too. He encourages her to be brave because he already feels she is, he refuses to let her call herself stupid or a laughingstock, he apologizes without excuses, he checks in on her every step of the way. He's so passionate in that carriage, he's burning for her, he's yearning, but he doesn't do anything until she agrees for him to. He confesses his feelings and when she says they're friends, he backs off. He listens, he cares. He apologizes for overstepping her boundaries, and then when she gives him her consent, the only thing on his mind is showing how much he wants and appreciates her by providing her pleasure. Colin, the people pleaser, dedicated only to pleasing two people in that moment: Penelope, and himself. Because he wants to do that, to give her an orgasm that exists just for her. He's a witness to it, and that's pleasure for him, too. He waits for her nod of consent, he revels in seeing her enjoying herself. And the aftercare- I could cry.

Colin is a man who had every single reason not to be a kind, sensitive soul, and still he chose it. Chose to share it because the headline, even a wallflower can bloom, that's not just for Penelope.

It's for Colin, too.

#colin bridgerton #polin #bridgerton #penelope featherington #i just love him so so much #if colin has 0 fans i've died #i just feel so connected to him as a character i could keep going #like this is SO long and i have more to say #will have to edit later for now have some unfiltered thoughts

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being kind and civil with people who drive me insane?

So this is something that happens all the time and it's a pattern so to save your time, I'll only mention the one incident which that I got called out for several times, it's starting to make me think I might be TA.

I (34F) work in a grocery store. Maddy (???F) works in the security department and is in charge for looking through our grocery to ensure we didn't steal anything (our workplace is uncomfortably strict about this since many employees have stole in the past) She is very rude, I never liked her. She makes me so uncomfortable a lot because she yells all the time. At everyone. She never realized how offensive she is.

Anyway, sometimes I'd walk past her after my shift forgetting that I'm carrying grocery bags etc and she'd yell at me to get back there. It's always embarrassing because anyone who witnesses that would most likely assume I'm a shoplifter because of the way she's yelling. She yells about other stuff too mind you, don't think I always forget the fact I'm carrying grocery. They don't allow us to bring our bags inside and we have to keep them in our locker (according to her, I never heard this elsewhere). She yells at me if I try to take my purse with me if I'm in a hurry. She says it's ~the rules~ and we need to follow them but like, she the only security staff who's this strict about it. The others don't even bother to check our groceries because they trust we don't shoplift and it's actually stupid because we could still shoplift anyway and hide the items in our pockets and they don't perform a body check anyway (they used to in the past but were legally required to stop because of Covid).

How do I deal with her though? Every time she'd yell, I reply to her very calmly and attempt small talk to absorb her anger. For example, if she's angry about my grocery, I'd show them to her and ask stuff like "what is you favorite brand of milk/bread/egg etc etc"

She does engage but it never made her actually stop and think about her behaviors for a single second. I have always stopped to chat with her whenever I can and she always speaks calmly when I do, but returns to yelling when I "break the rules" as she says.

But here's the thing. My patience is limited. I'm like a battery, if you keep charging me, I'll eventually explode. I planned remaining civil with Maddy forever, but enough is enough and I accidentally lashed out. I lashed out on her ONCE only, I yelled much louder than she did, for 30 minutes, lecturing her about work etiquette. She was so surprised and taken aback. She told me "where did this all come from?" Like she didn't see it coming? She seriously mistook my patience and tolerance of her behaviors for friendliness. And that was the last time we talked, I reported her to HR the next day because I don't think she'll ever get the memo, and that's when I learned thst so many employees have complained about her already but they can't fire her because she an outsource and has strong connections in her company, management has already talked to her numerous times but she just doesn't listen, so don't call me TA for not communicating, it doesn't work with her.

My friend Gloria (28F) and many others including our manager (F30s) told me I should've not been chatting with her, I should just ignore her and disengage. They think the fact I'm talking kindly to her will just make her assume she isn't doing anything wrong and encourage her to keep behaving like that, and that she'd think I want to be friends??? None of that is my intention. I just want to be civil to her to indirectly get her to realize her behaviors weren't acceptable. I'm setting a good example for her, to learn from me how she should treat people and soften her heart.

I was called TA because they said I didn't have to be civil with her if I knew I might eventually lash out (but lashing out isn't something I planned??), and I should've just avoided her and set boundaries. Gloria told me it's an AH move to go out of my way to interact to someone I despise when ignoring them is an option and that makes me two faced and makes the people around me wonder if I truly like them or I'm basically tolerating them, but this wouldn't happen if I they weren't rude in the first place?

BTW a similar thing eventually happened with Gloria because her attitude sucked with me and I lashed out eventually because enough is enough, she said she should've known not to trust me because of how I treated Maddy and I shouldn't have befriended her if I "hated" her so much. AITA?

#aita #am i the asshole #eyestrain

[lets-laughagain]

Hi! I saw that you were in 3 shows of Louis in Brasil. Do you mind sharing your favorite moments of each show? If you do mind ignore my ask, I just love reading fan experiences of Louis' shows.

I hope you have a nice day!

hiii i'm sorry it took so long, i was enjoying the rest of my vacation then i got sick due to the different weathers in every city 😬, but anyways here we gooo

i know you asked for my favorite moments but i talk too much and rambled about everything kjsdnadsk

RIO I got to the venue at 7pm, after a lot of traffic and anxiety 🫠, and there was still a big line to get in making giant rooks go on stage 15 minutes later than expected. I had listened a bit to them when the opening acts were announced but i loooved seeing them live, their concert was so much fun, i had a lot on my mind that day but as soon as they started playing my worries were gone like, music is everything really.

The venue's capacity is for 18k people, but i guess there were about 12k there? I'm not sure but, the chairs around me were half empty (a lot of people moved to closer seats), the floor was full but the stands not so much yk. It makes sense when you think it was on a wednesday and a lot of people couldn't make it.

As I went alone to this one and there weren't many people around me it was like me and louis and just letting out all of my emotions. Idk if it happens to anyone else, but I get a lot more emotional when I'm alone at shows. I don't even have much to say here cause I was really there in the moment giving my all, screaming my lungs out to hoth and feeling all this time deep in my soul (the drama lmao).

SÃO PAULO I was really tired after barely a day of rest at home, then packing another bag to curitiba, it was hectic, but thank god i had stands tickets again and my friends got there ealier and saved a seat for me.

Not to paraphrase harry but, that show was loud, loud and LOUD. Seriously, I've never seen so many people scream and jump for an opening act?? I was actually kinda shocked at how full the stadium was, its full capacity is 60k but as they were using only half the space i guess there were about 25k-30k people, it was really packed. Like, that video from outside the stadium that you can hear the screams is kinda crazy if you think it wasn't at full capacity.

This concert left me so proud of him, of how far he has come, like he said with no radio support or anything, seeing him in my favorite venue in my city with so many people screaming for him was something really special. This one was really about US, the fans and louis, i can't say it enough but the crowd was like part of the show too. Also, the big stage, the catwalk, the fireworks, those things made it all so much bigger, like a celebration for where he is now. I'll never forget his face impressed by the crowd like every five seconds, he deserves it all, i love this man to death.

His only wrongs that day tho were wearing that ugly outfit and not singing saturdays on a saturday!!!!

CURITIBA I had slept for like 4 hours, took a flight in the morning and spent the whole day kinda sick and anxious, I really do not know were i took forces to this concert but i did and i gave 200% of myself. I had floor tickets this time so i let myself go and jump around like crazy.

We stayed in the left side of the stage were it was a lot more chill and we could walk around. Most of the time I stayed a bit close to the stage but not so much cause i like having my own space to breath, sometimes I'd get closer to record something. By the encore I found an empty space in the far left of the barricade to see him better during silver tongues.

For me it was the most fun concert, you could see louis was happy, there was a group in front of me dancing and having so much fun together, like he said no one will stand still in a brazilian crowd that's for sure! Also, there was this girl who was talking to us before the concert who found me during the encore and we literally just screamed wdbhg at each other lmao i don't even know her name, but i can't stop thinking about it, it was really funny.

Oh and that outfit!!!! The way i screamed when i saw him in all black, i kept looking at my friends like why the fuck does this man look so good!!! WE WON!!!!

When the barricade moment happened I was only looking at him so I didn't understand what was going on, then by the end my friends said he was with a kid, but only when i got to the apartment we were staying i saw the full context and video, that broke me. He so sweet and precious, it makes everything i did for him so much more worth it than it already was, this plus the donations for Rio Grande do Sul filled my heart with so much love for him.

Also, after the concert we were trying to buy merch, but most sizes were sold out, the line was huge and security was hushing people out of the stadium 🙃 then 10 minutes later we found out louis was playing football at the pitch lmao

Some other points - I absolutely LOVE the stage design, the lights and screens going up and down work so great, it's amazing to witness it live - THE BAND, i don't even need to say anything right? his band is fucking incredible, i live for every single guitar solo from michael - The 2 seconds that takes people to realize that he is singing night changes and wdbhg are the funniest shit istg kskdnkll - People will ask me why I would go to the same concert 3 times, and just istg it IS different, they are all different experiences and i'd do it all over again (which i actually did, cause i saw louis twice and harry 3 times in 2022)

---

Last but not least, i will to speak in portuguese to thank my friends skjndkjsan

Eu sei que ela não vai ler, mas muito obrigada @hiddlestomlinson por aceitar fazer essa maluquice comigo, por vir até SP, ir pra Curitiba e me aturar por 5 dias seguidos, mesmo com tanto cansaço e doença foi tudo maravilhoso 🥹💜

@delicatepointofview de novo, muito obrigada por me ajudar tanto no Rio e pelo ingresso de última hora, mesmo passando por tanta coisa você foi um anjo 🥹 só conseguimos nos ver de longe, desse 🤏 tamanho, mas da proxima vem aí!!

@somuchstrdst e @icouldbeluckyagain amei encontrar e curtir um pouco do show com vocês!! NÓS VENCEMOS MUITO!!! ste, eu ate tava vendo seu recap hoje tomando café da tarde ajksndkjs

#savebylou #i'm sorry i talk too much #fitfwt #louis #my show

[crownspeaksblog]

How the hell does ofmd manage to give me everything i love about tv shows, in one show?!!

It's funny, silly, stupid but somehow at the same time it's serious, deep and well thought out!

Characters change and develop in prominent ways, characters have arcs, what they go through affects them, things aren't stagnant. (1x01 stede is a coward who's trying to hide from the English, 2x08 stede throws himself over 2 soldiers, he's brave despite the fact he's out numbered. 1x04 ed wants to quit piracy but doesn't know how, 2x08 ed quits piracy a second time with stede even when the first time doesn't work out)

It's a beautiful romance, a queer romance between two people who have insane chemistry, a love story that has ups and downs, but in the end they're right there for eachother because what they have is True Love!

The show is shot so beautifully, it doesn't look boring, so many shows I've watched (although entertaining) are shot in the most boring/basic ways possible, ofmd has so many gorgeous still shots, a couple of fun one shots! (The bar fight one shot in 2x07 deserves more attention! Mer!stede and ed looking at eachother while floating in the water is genuinely one of the most beautiful shots I've ever seen!)

The outfits characters wear changes with their arcs and it makes sense story wise and the outfits are just so fun looking, it's interesting and different and so, so not basic. (Stede going from aristocratic silly little outfits to pirate shirts with deep neck openings and leather pants!! Hot! Also can't wait to see eds s3 outfit.)

The song choice is fun, the lyrics, beautifully add another layer to the story (I'm still not over the "I've loved him since he was born" lyric!)

The women in this show, although few and not main characters, they're interesting, different and not basic "normal" women, so many shows and movies I've watched, the men get to be weird, kooky and interesting while the women are just painfully normal, but in ofmd, the few women we got are either insane, wild, weird, violent or just not fucking "normal"! (the most "normal" woman we have is probably mary who was gonna stab her husband with a skewer through the earhole!! Also the addition of archie, former snake cult member is just amazing!)

The action we get every once in a while is just so fun! I love a fight scene and for the most part, they look good, it looks well done (again the bar fight and ed killing motherfuckers left, right and center in 2x08 is just so goddamn fun to watch!)

I know so many other shows have most of these things, but the fact ofmd has all of these things, that i just fucking love in one show is amazing, it's appreciated and on top of all of this, the show just makes me happy whether I'm watching it or watching people's reactions to it or even just thinking about it! I love this show even with the criticisms i might have, i love it!

#just had to talk about what i love about this show maybe I'm forgetting some but I'm pretty sure I'm not #but like seriously how many shows actually have all of these things?! #alot of shows have most of these things except for the female characters being wild/not normal and the queer love story aspect. #recently i watched nope and a thought i had was why is the kooky crazy character thats gonna die to get the perfect show is never played #by a woman. why is the calm collected cowboy who saves the day is never played by a woman?!! why is it that most times men play them?!!! #anyways i love ofmd. it's unique and just so fucking fun! #ofmd #ofmd s2 #our flag means death #ofmd spoilers #blackbonnet #tv shows #👑

[cinna-bunnie]

when you ask a restaurant for spicy food and instead of cooking it in a way that makes the end result hotter they just obliterate all the flavor by dumping heaps of sriracha all over it after the fact

#i will and have literally just thrown the whole dish away and started over somewhere else #if u dump Sriracha all over something to make it spicy I'm never ordering anything spicy from u again #like. are u tasting this..? is this a balance of flavors to you..? 🧍🏾‍♀️ if you must use sriracha can u at least use it towards the end of #the actual cooking process itself so it has time to mix with other flavors and seasoning? i cannot taste anything else!! #u might as well have cooked it plain then dumped this all over it for all I care ૮ – ﻌ–ა where are the sauces the salsas the array of spices #you can make things hot AND flavorful 🤌🏾 you can make something spicy AND nuanced #anyways I'm thinking about this bc i ordered spicy mapo tofu and it is spicier in a way i can't pin down And has a stronger #peppercorn flavor ☝🏾 this is how u handle spicy food perfectly‚ imo. it is my view that you have experience with the different #spices n seasonings and subsequent sauces if you can make that spicy during the actual cooking process #and idk shows more intention and care to the cooking process To Me and the spicy lvl is taken into consideration from the start #i KIND OF fw Sriracha but i think it becomes overpowering very quickly‚ i just want a few light globs of it at a time #an Accent of Sriracha 🤌🏾 a taste that is present and pronounced but doesn't take away from anything else #i take my cooking and spicy food seriously ૮ – ﻌ–ა there are SO many good ways to make ur food hotter. this ain't it #it's 4am and I'm about to go to sleep so these r just late night ramblings of a girl picking at her leftovers like this is it.. peak spicy #a truly well executed dish 🤌🏾 thank you i love you. satisfying..

[ciderjacks]

hey if u guys r sad about ofmd and want another show with gay people to watch you should consider watching Deadloch. It’s really good it’s really really good uh it might get a second season if the creators decide to do that.

if you watch good omens you’ll be able to watch Deadloch they’re on the same service. Uhhhh One of the actors from ofmd is there shes one half of the main duo (the other half is played by Kate Box who’s an amazing actor and Dulcie is now one of my fav characters ever) gets to wear an open Hawaiian shirt for like 3 of the 8 episodes which is a bonus. It’s extremely gay and it’s fun and beautifully written and no queer characters die and it’s satisfying and funny and Please watch it I’m begging you please watch itPLEASE

#ofmd #deadloch #PLEASEEEEEE please Im begging Im on my hands and my knees PLEASE WATCH THIS SHOW #It’s not shy about being gay it practically opens with gay sex ok please pleaseee watch it #It’s got so many amazing characters every character is so well written it’s a detective satire that ends on a pretty openly anti cop note #The main characters work so well together and the actors have such good chemistry and the storytelling is so good and well done #Literally my only my singular criticism of the entire show is that I think the lighting in some scenes could be brighter so you can #Actually tell what’s going on bc it’s sort of hard to at certain points #THATS MY ONLY CRITICISM AT ALL ITS THAT GOOD #Ive watched it 10 times now I’m still finding new stuff and connecting things it hasn’t gotten old yet #It’s seriously like unironically a masterpiece of a show. I would like it just as much if everything else was the same but the characters #Were straight #Though given how much of it is tied to gay and specifically lesbian culture it would be sort of hard to do that LOL #but still. like hypothetically. If it was straight I would not like it any less I would still be just as crazy about it

[the-kipsabian]

(so it turns out i never posted this actual video so like.. here. i have so many brain worms about this now cause like. holy shit my dude. once again asking where. OH WHERE. the fuck is/was this character after his return and why wasnt he given a fair chance when all the building blocks were so obviously fucking there.......)

#wrestling #kip sabian #penelope ford #okay one more. i promise im done now (for a while cause im definitely gonna gif the ending of this video lmao) #but like.. yeah. something about this time was so special #and then they fucking fumbled him like no other. i mean there were signs before that too when they didnt let boxman reach his potential #but there was so much fucking promise during this two show run in ddt and so many things they could have done after returning #but no. instead none of this was ever brought up (neither title win or that mask or anything else) and nothing came out of it #nothing for this persona. for that mask. for their dynamic. nothing at all #they werent in television outside of dark for like two months i think #its just such a fucking shame cause he has all the tools and the talents to be a fucking top star. they just arent giving him the chances #not the be constantly fucking salty about this but.. yeah. their time in japan really just proved that #and how badly aew is actually fumbling them. like fucking seriously #anyways. please watch this if nothing else. i do miss this time it was just genuinely so fucking nice #not only to see them actually win shit lmao but also to see the character works and their dynamic evolve and blossom #it was so good and so special. and knowing especially how much it meant to kip like... yeah #aew do fucking better 2k24. PLEASE #anyways im done sorry #my beloved #kip in a box #vampire wife #boxman saga #box thoughts #if you saw me post this before no you didnt lol #the dash is uncooperative so im doing it again dont @ me

[musical-chick-13]

Regarding the previous post, I think the way I approach trying to evaluate a piece of art is asking "Do I think the positive things I get out of it outweigh the parts of it that I don't like?" And when I call something a "guilty pleasure" song/show/book/piece of media/etc. it's really more in the sense of, "Given who I am as a person, the flaws I've found in this should be complete dealbreakers for me, but somehow they aren't, and it makes me feel like I'm having an identity crisis."

#like. I think something like...idk shiki or cxgf excels on multiple levels. I understand why I like them. given the things I look for in art #it makes sense that these shows would speak to me because they make the effort to showcase those things I look for. because the people #in charge of those works clearly valued the same kinds of things and cared about seriously exploring them. #but with something like. uh. ctrlz. that is NOT the case and I frequently found myself going 'why would anyone make this writing #decision?' but I still sat through all 3 seasons of it! I still really enjoyed it! those flaws SHOULD have made me give up according to #personal history but they never did. and I very very much genuinely question why. I have NO IDEA why I still care about this #silly convoluted teen drama show so much. but I do. I wrote SO MANY FUCKING POSTS ABOUT IT. #I really love wicked the musical. I've heard many people call it 'hokey' or 'cheesy' or 'objectively bad' but here's the thing! I DON'T #think it's bad!!! like literally at all!!!!!! and it does do some genuinely cool things in regard to the music and the way the characters #develop and what the show says about the nature of prejudice and human connection. is it like. idk Serious™ the way that something like #Parade is? no. but it doesn't have to be. it does what it sets out to do and it does it well and this is why the whole '''objective #evaluation''' thing doesn't actually mean anything. I value thoughtfully-constructed music and dynamic female characters #(which this musical has). I value stories that deal with the complex and messy feelings that come with being a human (which this musical #has). I value stories about 'other'ness and romantic subplots that aren't just built on 'This Girl Is Pretty' (which this musical has). #and I value professional displays of technical vocal ability because I know how fucking DIFFICULT that is (which this musical...if you cast #it well...has). #if you value something else in a musical then yeah you will probably think THIS one is '''objectively bad''' #if you don't see the point of musicals as an art form you will probably think wicked is '''objectively bad''' #do you see where the problem with categorizing analysis like this is??

[keeps-ache]

woke up with the feeling that 'something has been irreversibly changed'

#just me hi #which doesn't make any sense because i didn't really do anything yesterday lol #but then i got hit with that very accepting 'so this must be' feeling so i have No idea what's going on with my internals hfvsfhaj #though i Have been feeling odd‚ maybe it's turned over #i dunno! feelings are like magic is so many ways #/maybe that's why people like to tie it to Actual magic. something physical #because it's a way to see it‚ to understand it‚ to prove to other people it's there #but real magic is very hard to understand and sometimes even to imitate and sometimes people don't like to see it at all #which is sad because it's so pretty‚ and when you feel it in like your actual Body it's wonderful #but it showed how Physically strong you were then you aren't being awful in some way. then you're Scary and Powerful #but that's just awful too. they don't realize it until someone awful does it but they forget everyone else is like that too #i'm having Just Woke Up thoughts bfhvsbhfv #i want to like. just Be but things are kinda complicated you know? #like magic.. #lol! #//anyway #gotta finish this comic for REAL #truly really seriously !! #i'm almost done with the inks and i KNOW i can do it today i can do it i can do it !! #couldn't yesterday (idk why lol) but i Can today so i will :D #do i shall see you again soon! tooooodles

[oveliagirlhaditright]

-randomly sees a screenshot of jamie and lily from the city of bones movie, where they seem to embody jace and clary, and am once again sad that we didn't get a city of ashes movie-

#like. to be clear. i KNOW that the city of bones movie has flaws--and i can tell you what they all are--but for me at least the positives #outweigh the negatives #and one of those things is that the cast really was perfect imo (and a lot of other people's opinions too) #though that's not to insult the shadowhunters cast at all of course. i think they're great and did the best with what they were give #i. personally. just don't really like shadowhunters because of how much they changed from the books #and even outside of that--if i ignored book to show comparisons--at least with the first season (the only one i watched) a lot of the #choices they were making with their own rules they were making didn't make a lot of sense. though i hear it gets better if season one so #maybe i should give it another chance sometime... #but back to city of ashes... i feel like. if city of bones had done well. city of ashes could have been better than city of bones and even #more book accurate (since that was some fans' issues with the first film) since the studio would have realized there was an audience there #and to take it more seriously. we've seen that kind of thing before. like with how the twilight movies actually became more book accurate #after the first film was a success #though that's not the world we live in of course. -sighs- oh well #maybe someday we'll get a really good and accurate tmi adaptation #i'm also looking forward to/cautiously optimistic about the the infernal devices show. PLEASE don't mess it up. PLEASE #that's my--and many--fans' favorite of the shadow world series. and it could/should be SO good. PLEASE!

[theriverdalereviewer]

let’s take a moment to mourn riverdale on here

#perhaps mourn isn’t the right word more like celebrate #I owe my whole career to riverdale #my identity #the epic highs and lows of my life to that show #because of riverdale I can’t drop this url my twin sister came up with when I was 16 #I also had many hit posts thanks to riverdale this show is so serious to me #okay but actually im kinda sad riverdale is ending which is crazy??? #idk not only is it like the last big show to have 22 episodes and back to back seasons #but it was also endearingly dumb #personally the show just stopped being for me halfway through season 2 when it seriously stopped making any sense #on one hand I can enjoy the camp aspects but I also wanted the show to stay grounded and it definitely wasn’t doing that during s2-onwards #I kinda like the fact that they distinguished themselves from all of the over teen shows by embracing its stupidity and genre shifts #but that was not what I signed up for when I first watched the show #also it was just annoying how messy the characterization and storylines got #onto the IMPORTANT!!! things though #the fact that the barchies won #if you were here for early riverdale you would know that the barchies were an oppressed class #everyone hated us no one thought we had a chance the writers wouldn’t touch us with a ten foot pole #and now look at us the underdogs the dark horse #victory is ours barchies

[akkivee]

do you think this upcoming battle season will be the season we finally see doppo’s brother lmao

#this is vee speaking #i love how we have so many things we learned from the beginning of this series still untouched nearly six years later lmao #gentaro’s EVERYTHING lol but that training he mentioned once juto doppo first meeting etc etc #but we learned about hifumi’s family last season (that he has one lol) so maybe their families are connected #in the sense that now we know there’s more to the story so now they can show the whole thing is what i mean lol #like uhhhhhhhhhhh okay so i was thinking about doppo’s phone and i know he keeps a burner phone to vent about work lol #but what if he like actually uses a burner phone for keeping tabs on hifumi’s family #and doppo’s brother updates him on what’s going on with them if they’re okay etc #which is also why doppo complains about it being his fault his brother isn’t doing so well in school lol #because doppo’s bro is taking it very seriously lol #like??????? dohifu are childhood friends so whatever happened to hifumi and his family will have also affected the kannonzakas too???? #so i just think that they’re all trying to take care of the izanamis like doppo looks out for hifumi .w. #at least that’s what came to mind that chapter they couldn’t find doppo’s phone since it was an old model without a phone tracker in it lol #c: hifumi #c: dop

[bettsfic]

one of the best decisions i've ever made was to stop arguing.

i'd always been an arguer. i was defensive about everything and mindlessly contrary. it wasn't all my fault; i was (and still am) talked down to and patronized a lot, and when you live your life that way, you become kind of a raw nerve and dedicate a lot of energy to trying to prove yourself. someone even told me once, "it's just fun messing with you. you get so upset."

at 23, i was working in an environment where about a half dozen middle aged conservative men were always telling me what to do and explaining things to me. i either argued with them when they said heinous things or stewed about it for hours or even days. and so my new year's resolution one year was simply: no arguing.

it felt a little like defeat at first, like i was no longer standing up for what i believed in, even though no matter how right i was or how much proof i had for my claims, no one had ever been swayed by anything i told them. part of that was because they had no respect for me and didn't take me seriously; the other part was the simple truth that arguments are almost never productive. when someone says something and you immediately reply with, "you're wrong and here's why," a wall goes up and nothing can go over it.

i couldn't just let these men talk at me though, so i started asking questions. not leading questions, not with an intention to prove a point or walk them into a corner. i genuinely wanted to understand how they came to shape the opinions they held. i realized that understanding and agreeing are two different things, and just because i seek to understand doesn't mean i condone.

a truly fascinating thing happened: these men walked into corners all by themselves. it turns out nobody had ever actually tasked them with speaking their opinions aloud to a neutral audience. no one had ever been sincerely curious about them and their views. sure, their loved ones probably asked, "how are you doing?" all the time as a show of affection, but that's much different than, "what do you think?"

knowing what i know now, i think that's true of everyone. how many people ask you for your opinion and listen to what you have to say without speaking their opinion back to you? without judging you? how many people actively and intentionally try to understand you?

it's been over ten years since my resolution and i think i can count the arguments i've gotten into on one hand. one finger, even. it's amazing what happens when someone tries to rile you up, pick a fight with you, and your only response is, "can you elaborate on that?"

you can work someone into a very open and vulnerable state when you ask questions. they eventually run out of their usual talking points and move into the personal. when i do this, it's not like therapy; i'm not trying to help anyone. and it's not like teaching; i'm not trying to educate anyone. i just want to understand how people reach the conclusions they've come to. even after all these years of asking questions and not arguing, it still amazes me how few people in this world feel understood, and how easy it is to get them to open up when you say, "i want to know what you think."

#writing advice

[chuluoyi]

✎ protect

- gojo satoru x reader

the word “protect” now means so much more to him

genre: soft and playful gojo, sugary dump fluff, pregnant!reader

note: anyone craving some soft gojo? :3 based on a suggestion by an anon who needs a soft gojo a while back, thank you!

a part of gojo's love entries

series masterlist | oneshot masterlist

When he was 16, Gojo Satoru thought that protecting other people was a pain, and didn't take it seriously.

Later, when he realized that even non-sorcerers deserve to live their lives in peace, he dedicated himself to becoming stronger so that he would be capable to protect them more. However, even then, he didn't perceive their worth as significant.

But when you entered the picture, that measly, glorified word suddenly became so much more.

Usually people would only care about whether he had succeeded his mission or not. His formidable reputation as the epitome of strength means no one is genuinely interested in his wellbeing—no one after Suguru, to be exact—until you did.

After a whirlwind romance of attraction and banters, Satoru reached the conclusion that he wanted you, the only person left who actually made him feel like a human, to stay happy and safe. He would do it with his own hands, even if it meant reshaping this cruel world to be kinder for you with him as your shield.

And the word “protect” gained an entirely new meaning years later, when he rested his head on your swollen belly—the place where his new cherished treasure was growing.

“When will he come out~?” he asked in a whiny tone and a blissful smile, even though he clearly knew the answer.

You shook your head with playful resignation, unable to conceal your smile. "In three weeks. Now help me get comfortable, you dork."

He helped you turn over and fetched a pillow to place under your aching spine. Then, with a mischievous grin, he lightly poked your belly with two fingers, eliciting a yelp from you.

"Don't poke me! You're poking your child!"

To that, Satoru merely threw his head back and snickered like the dumbass he was. He then tenderly rested his hand on the taut skin of your belly, gently massaging it, smiling with ardent happiness.

"Can't really believe it," he sighed, brimming with the purest sense of contentment. "A mini Gojo, huh... You're really doing a honorable work."

A child of his and yours. He had always wondered how he would be after seeing him firsthand—would he laugh just like he had been doing now, or will it be the first instance that move him to the point of shedding tears? One of the reasons he eagerly anticipated his son's birth was just to discover how he would react.

Seeing the weight of his baby growing within you, making you rounder and fuller, stirred a deep well of warm emotions in him with each passing day though.

"I am," you retorted cheekily, rolling your eyes. "In fact, you should be revering and worshipping me for carrying your spawn."

He merely hummed in a childlike manner, feeling his baby move around under his touch. You were about to roast him again with something funny when he leaned down and planted a kiss on your tummy, whispering to it.

"Please come out already~ Papa wants to meet you!"

Your heart swelled with warmth at that moment. Gojo Satoru was many things, but he wasn't typically known for his softness—he was often seen as this all-perfect being, and so witnessing him acting purely on his human emotions brought you a sense of happiness.

“Who do you think he’ll take after?” you mused.

“Hmmm. Me, obviously. He'll be hot just like me!” he quipped proudly, and you playfully smacked him on the arm.

Satoru caught your hand and kissed it tenderly amidst his grin. "But I want him to have your personality. I'd hate to see him be a show-off."

"So you do realize that you're actually a menace."

He laughed out loud, patting the generous swell of your belly again with a smug look on his face.

"I know, but I'm your menace, and that's all that matters."

And when his adorable son was born less than three weeks later and you passed out due to sheer exhaustion, Satoru vowed by everything in the heavens and the earth that he wouldn't spare anything to protect you and his child from this curse-filled world.

Epilogue - on the night of the birth -

“Satoru—” you panted, grimacing, head jerking back as your womb throbbed and pulsed in order to bring forth your child into the world. “I… feel like I’m going to faint…”

Worry etched his face as you leaned on him. “Hey, hey… Calm down sweetheart, relax and catch up on your breath, okay? Don’t worry, he’ll come out soon.”

Somehow his words rubbed you the wrong way.

“Hahh—this… is because of you! This happened because you shoved your stick into me! You horny bas—aahh!”

“Well, hey! Last I remembered, you begged me to put it into you! And I'm not—pfft—”

“Then what are you?!”

“Hmmm, nothing but a man who got you pregnant, sweetheart~”

“If I bleed out and die, it’s going to be your fault, you evil, wretched sorcerer!”

#𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 #gojo satoru x reader #jjk drabbles #jujutsu kaisen #jjk x reader #jjk imagines #jjk x you #gojo x reader #jjk fanfic #jujutsu kaisen imagines #jujutsu kaisen x reader #gojo satoru #satoru gojo x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #gojo x you #gojo #gojo fluff #gojo satoru imagines #jjk fluff #gojo satoru fluff #dad!gojo #satoru gojo fluff #jjk gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jutusu kaisen x reader #satoru x reader #satoru gojo x you #satoru gojo #oopsie i can’t hold back in the epilogue asfghjkl

[gojoed]

"oh my god satoru you look so cute here!"

"wait wait wait, don't look at those!"

you were currently holding a picture of satoru in your hands. it's nothing you haven't done before, going to the corner store and flipping through recently printed pictures of you and your friends after waiting a week for them to develop.

but this time you weren't holding snapshots of suguru having permanent marker on his face while sleeping or ridiculous photos of satoru and shoko grabbing onto each others hair, fighting over who gets to get the last snack from their stash. this time you held a photo of satoru, except younger. exponentially younger. as in, you just got your hands on a photo of satoru the moment he was born. literally.

like every other newborn he had that faint pink shade on his soft skin, button nose, and little hands that had the chubbiest of fingers. you swore you fell in love all over again with him.

the grown up version of the baby however did not feel the same. he didn't think a visit to his family's prestigious estate would lead to you seeing the one photo he would rather die than having any one of his friends see. he'd rather have you take a photo of him falling flat on his face on a pile of garbage actually.

how you came across that photo of him, he has no idea. you both were currently residing in his old bedroom, laid down on the old tatami mats that still smelled new. all he remembers is you getting up to look for something within the old cabinets of his room before you exclaimed about your recent discovery.

"oh there's more, lemme see."

"nononononono, no! you've already seen enough!"

satoru tried desperately to snatch the small box of photos that was now on the floor. seriously who put this here?? — maybe his mother heard of how he was bringing you along for the weekend and planted a little surprise for you to find. he was unsuccessful, again, as you seemed to be faster than the strongest now since the box was now sitting on your lap — the stack of photos now in your hands as you flipped through them one by one.

"you used to wear such cute things too! look at that, it's a little onesie with a duck pattern!"

satoru was now internally screaming, his ears blowing out steam now from embarrassment. they must be, since he could feel his face rise in temperature faster than ever, he might even be a new shade of scarlet now. he's resorted now to lying face first on the floor, burying his face in his arms trying to shield himself from your commentary.

he didn't budge when you poked him with your fingers, trying to show him photos of his even younger self. satoru won't deny it, he was cute as a baby. the cutest even (his ego was whispering that) — but to have you witness him in all his newborn glory? that was too much for him. now his image was shattered (the one he created in his head), you won't look at him the same anymore. you'll only think the words cute and adorable, and so on after this. no more comments on how hot he was, how undeniably attractive his smile was.

satoru gojo, was indefinitely, ruined.

that was at least his way of thinking. you were internally dying on the inside.

to think that at such a young age, satoru still held the most striking pair of eyes you've ever seen. even as a baby you could see that he held the heavens and even the depths of hell in them. you can see why many people whispered how his birth had changed everything in the jujutsu world.

but even so, you couldn't bring yourself to care about those old rumors. right now, you were focusing on just how cute he used to look, back when he was just a couple of pounds and was drowning in innocence that any baby had.

"hey satoru?"

"..mm?", well at least you got a reaction.

"who took these photos anyway?"

you had to wait a few seconds until you heard him shuffle, moving on all fours before sitting up and placing himself right next to you. the embarrassment had died down, just a bit. there was still evident pink on his neck, ears, and cheeks.

"it was mostly just my mom and the maids. they were the ones who always dressed me up too."

that made you smile, the image of a fussy satoru not wanting to put baby gloves on with a matching outfit — it was too good not to imagine. a few moments passed before satoru carefully snatched a handful of photos from you. you were about to protest when he began telling you the story behind each of them, or well, the ones he could remember.

maybe you seeing him like that wasn't so bad after all.

p.s., now he's totally gonna send some of these to the group chat. bet he was a cuter looking baby than suguru and shoko anyway.

#(don't look at me i was just hoping for someone to write about baby him) #i wanna hold him #also ahem this might catch the attention of just ONE person. but i have a nanami idea brewing in my brain stew. #gojo x reader #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #gojo satoru #satoru gojo #satoru <33

[inkskinned]

yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."

i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.

the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.

mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.

later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.

sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.

but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.

i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.

every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.

wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?

the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:

he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.

every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.

mahler's fifth still makes me sick.

give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.

give me back what you took from me.

#nosebleed club #sorry stephen not ur fault #just like. thinking #writeblr #spilled ink #warm up #every time nat is like - oh let me get that for u #im like .... this is a trick right like ur gonna be mean now bc u did something nice rn #so obviously if ur being nice now either u did something mean and im about to learn about it #or you're going to BE mean #or ur gonna hold this over my head forever and i'll never get a nice thing ever again? #and every time nat is like .... babe i just actually like u #lesbian jesus story is 100% real btw. she also told me not to be an event planner #literally changed the shape of my life