#but why can't someone else make it happen

[lucy90712]

Not enough- Jude Bellingham

Dating a footballer is fun until he becomes incredibly successful and all of a sudden there are rumours left and right of him dating someone that isn't you. That's what my life is like Jude and I got together 3 years ago now when we were 17 and have been together since but we never made our relationship public because until the summer we were still long distance and didn't want the extra pressure. Having our relationship private has been so nice as it has meant when we do see each other we get to just enjoy being together but it also means we have to deal with rumours of who Jude might be dating. Those rumours never really got to me while Jude was at dortmund but since he's moved to Madrid things have just got so much more intense it seems that every few weeks there is a million new articles and tweets. 

Having to read all of this and seeing how pretty all the girls has really started to get to me. All the girls Jude is rumoured to be with are either models or just incredibly pretty which makes me feel awful about myself. All these girls have made a name for themselves in some way yet here I am with my job in a cafe while I try and find a job in the area that I studied. Jude likes to tell me that he doesn't care what I do for a living or how much I make but I can't help but feel guilty when I can't contribute much to the house or get him expensive things like he does for me. I'm also definitely no model I'm definitely not as pretty or as skinny as a model which I used to be ok with but now I don't feel so confident in myself. The other wags are also so pretty I definitely don't fit in with them either which makes me feel even worse about myself. 

Jude doesn't seem to have any clue that this is all going on he wakes up goes to training then hangs out with the boys leaving me until late at night so he doesn't see all the rumours or how they affect me. He's not here for the time I spend scrolling through social media or looking in the mirror judging everything about myself. Even when Jude is home he always seems to have something else on his mind so he never really gives me compliments anymore. I'd like to think that he still loves me but at this point I'm really not sure I mean he's young and he's attractive why would he want to be tied down with someone like me he can do so much better. I simply don't think I'm enough for him. 

A few days ago Jude went out to celebrate a big win for the team while I stayed at home but the next morning all I could see was rumours that Jude was flirting with multiple girls all night letting them dance with him and since I haven't really spoken to him. I spent all of last night laying awake thinking about everything and I decided that I just think I need to break up with Jude so then he's free to do all the things everyone thinks he's doing anyway. It's hard to decide to end a relationship especially one that has been going on for so long and one you are so fond of but I don't see any other way forward. This is why I've been so distant with Jude because in my head if I didn't talk to him that would make all of this easier. 

As always Jude left for training just as I got up for work but by the time I got back he was home which only happened the first few weeks I arrived so it was strange to see him here. Like always I headed upstairs to shower and change and when I came back out the bathroom Jude was sat on the bed waiting for me. I still didn't say anything to him because I'm trying to stay strong until I find the right time to tell Jude how I feel. 

"Babe are you ok you've barely spoken to me the last few days" he said 

"Yeah I'm fine just been busy had a lot on my mind that's all" I replied 

"Please don't lie to me I know there's something more going on I see the way you look all the time I just couldn't figure out what was wrong and now I give up so please tell me what's going on" he begged 

"I didn't want to say this yet because I'm still figuring things out but I think we should break up I just can't do this anymore" I said 

"Please no baby no I can't live without you whatever I've done I can fix it and I'm sorry just please don't break up with me" he said 

"It's nothing you've done it's just me" I said 

"Then what is it please tell me if you really want to do this at least tell me why" he said 

"I'm just not good enough for you every day there is new rumours of you being with someone else and all of them are prettier and have more going for them than I do and you deserve to be with one of them or to just be free to do what you want" I explained 

"But I want you that's what I want I don't want any of these girls nor is there anything going on with any other girl incase that's what you're thinking I like that you live a more normal life you keep me grounded and I think you are the prettiest girl in the world" Jude replied 

"Then why are you never home and why do you never compliment me anymore?" I asked 

"I-I'm sorry babe you're right I haven't been home much but I will change that I will come home after training and I will invite you to more things and believe me I could sit here for hours and compliment you and I'll do that if I need to" he said 

Jude did exactly what he said he started listing all the things he loves about me while giving me kisses. It felt so good to have his attention again it felt like we were back to how we were before I came to Madrid. After he complimented every single part of me he asked if I'd like to go out on a date like a proper date outside where people could see us and I didn't hesitate to say yes. Even if people see us who cares it's about time that we went public with our relationship then the rumours can be true for once. We have talked about going public a few times but now feels like the right time just so we can stop the media getting too far out of control 

I got all dressed up in a pretty dress and my makeup and hair all done for once I actually felt really pretty. When Jude walked in he had a white shirt and some black trousers on which he looked so good in. He stopped as soon as he saw me and I think his jaw actually hit the floor which made me blush and that was before he started complimenting me. The entire drive Jude didn't stop telling me how beautiful I looked which honestly made me feel so good about myself. 

At the restaurant there was people taking pictures of us walking in which Jude tried to protect me from a bit but we wanted to be seen together. It was weird being in front of so many cameras as I've spent years trying to avoid all of this but now I'm happily letting them all take pictures and stare at me trying to work out who I am so they can get their exclusive headline. The people in the restaurant were lovely though they showed us to our table then left us alone as much as possible which was nice as we were able to have a proper date night together. As we finished dessert Jude showed me all the pictures all over Instagram and Twitter then he showed me a post he had drafted to tell everyone about our relationship and put an end to everything. He had a beautiful caption written which nearly made me cry and all the pictures he had I hadn't seen before as they were ones he took secretly but they were all so cute. He let me click post so that it was my decision to go public then he took my phone and turned it off so we could enjoy the rest of our evening together without having to see what everyone has to say.

#jude bellingham imagines #jude bellingham imagine #jude bellingham x reader #jude bellingham #football imagine

[kazutora-kurokawa]

Hear me out...

Bonten!Reader x Bonten!Baji 👀

Bonten!Baji x Bonten!Reader

♡ SFW and NSFW, fem reader, fluff, violence, murder, arson, biting, breeding kink, mentions of other members of Bonten, reader is a Bonten exec ♡

note: power couple timing 🥱

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

SFW

🔥 Matching Bonten tattoos on your side

🔥 He's always looking out for you, very overprotective and accompanies you on every mission

🔥 If you get paired with someone else he won't let you go, he's just stubborn like that

"Kei move from in front of the door, I gotta go."

"Nuh uh."

🔥 You two have a next level understanding of each other, words don't even need to be spoken

🔥 If you kill someone, he'll burn the body no questions asked

🔥 Group hangouts with Fuyu and Tora, mostly business talk (and cat talk because I'll be damned if Peke J isn't still around)

🔥 Y'all kick ass and take names after, which is why you get into trouble with Mikey so often

"Do you two want to explain what happened?"

"Honestly...it was Baji."

"How was I supposed to know that wasn't the guy?!"

"It was literally the mailman Kei!"

"Well maybe he shouldn't have been on my doorstep..."

NSFW

🔥 Loves leaving bitemarks and hickeys all over your body

🔥 Leaves hickeys over top of your Bonten tattoo so everyone knows he comes before Bonten in your life

"Kei why do you always leave marks there, can't even show off my tattoo without people knowing we fucked last night."

"Sorry not sorry cutie, gotta let 'em know I'm your first priority."

🔥 Usually gentle with you unless you did something that made him jealous, then he'll be extra rough just to remind you of who you belong to

"C'mon angel, y'know better than to flirt right in front of me like that. Are ya trying to make me jealous on purpose?"

🔥 Breeding kink, breeding kink, and breeding kink. He will never pull out, unless you specifically ask him to and if you do he'll just cum on your pussy

🔥 Then he'll proceed to use his fingers to push his cum inside you anyway

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

Taglist

@arlerts-angel @i-literally-cant-with-this @trevengersprincess @giugiette @katkusuo @happy-trenchcoated-impala @drunkcheesecake @darkstarlight82 @reiners-milkbiddies @manji-hoe

#tokyo revengers headcanons #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers smut #tokyo revengers fluff #baji x reader #baji fluff #baji smut #ngl I think I ate real bad wit this 😮‍💨

[lancermylove]

Kind MC (HC)

Fandom: Obey Me

Pairing: Demon Brother x fem!Reader, platonic.

Warning: None

Requested by: @annih

Prompt: Hello! Can I request some HC for Obey Me? How would each of the demon brothers react to a Fem!MC who is...just THAT forgiving? Like, she's too kind, too patient and too forgiving. She even forgive Belphegor faster than anyone anticipated. Also, the thing is, this trait leads MC to be more naive and trusting as she think that everyone else share the same nature and good intentions as they does. But it didn't render MC TOO dumb. She would still listen if someone's danger. My kind mc obey me request can you make MC be in a plantonic relationship with everyone?

A/N: Angel MC. 🤭 Hope you like it!

———————————————

Lucifer

Initially, Lucifer is a bit irritated with your overly forgiving nature. He is worried that your kindness might make you an easy target in Devildom.

At times, he also gets frustrated by your naivety but is fascinated by your unwavering ability to see the good in everyone. This makes him become very protective of you.

Even though he knows you won't fully listen, Lucifer still advises caution and reminds you that not everyone has a pure heart or intentions.

Over time, he starts to admire your patience and kind-heartedness. It's not often that such angelic beings come to Devildom, so to have one in the House of Lamentation is a breath of fresh air.

He won't ever tell you, but Lucifer is worried that you might actually fall into the trap of a malicious demon someday. But he already has a plan prepared in case that happens.

Mammon

Mammon is amused and baffled by your overly forgiving nature. While he finds your kindness endearing, he worries that demons will try to take advantage of you. The second brother has done it, but nothing too extreme; he just took something from you without your permission and never returned it. But...if you find out, you will forgive him, so Mammon isn't too worried.

Yes, he realizes that he is taking advantage of your kindness, and this is why he is worried about strangers being around you.

Sometimes, Mammon teases you for being so trusting, but behind that teasing is his concern for your safety. Due to this, he gets fiercely protective of you and always keeps a close eye on you when you interact with others.

Out of everyone, Mammon understands your kind nature more than anyone. But that doesn't stop him from being cautious and stepping in when things are about to go downhill.

Levi

Levi is puzzled and somewhat skeptical of your overly forgiving nature. It isn't often that such kindness is visible in Devildom, so at times, he has to wonder if you are really like that or if there is a hidden face behind your angelic nature.

When he sees you trusting others easily, he becomes anxious. His own insecurities and distrust in others make it hard for him to even believe a word they say, so to see you trust strangers readily is nerve-wracking.

Like his brothers, Levi worries that your trusting and sweet nature will land you in deep waters. At times, he tries to tell you about the dangers of Devildom, but nothing seems to work, so he eventually gives up and lets you do what you want.

However, in secret, Levi admires your kindness. This sometimes leads to him wanting to trust others, but other times, he questions his own values and behavior.

Overall, the third brother is most concerned about not being able to protect you from harm if he ever needs to.

Satan

Satan doesn't know what to make of your nature in the beginning. He finds your angelic behavior bewildering; how exactly are you able to forgive someone who purposely tried to hurt you? The fourth brother can't understand your thought process.

At the same time, he finds your kindness refreshing. His brothers have seen genuine kindness in the Celestial Realm, but he never got to experience it. But after meeting you, Satan can truly say that he knows what pure angels are like. Sometimes, he wonders if the Celestial Realm sent an angel - you - disguised as a human to keep an eye on them.

There are times when he struggles to keep his calm when you forgive certain demons who have hurt you or don't deserve your forgiveness. Moreover, when he hears you say that kindness is contagious, he wants to shake you by your shoulders and yell at you that you live among demons, but Satan doesn't want to scare you, so he refrains from acting on his thoughts.

Satan knows for sure that you will get hurt and be manipulated by the demons in Devildom, and while he will do everything in his power to protect you, he thinks it's better if you learn certain lessons by yourself.

Asmo

The fifth brother is completely and utterly charmed by your overly forgiving nature. He can't get enough of your sweetness and kindness.

Unlike the others, he is not too concerned about your naivety and thinks your innocent charm and trusting nature are enough to melt even the cold hearts of demons. Well, for the most part.

Asmo is just as protective of you as his brothers. He knows that demons are capable of being evil to the core, and no amount of kindness will cut through their darkness.

Overall, he loves your sweet nature and showers you with endless compliments, but Asmo is deeply worried that you will someday experience something that will break your pure heart forever.

Beel

He is immediately drawn to your kind and forgiving nature and finds your warmth comforting. Beel truly admires your ability to see the good in others.

Unlike his brothers, he is not focused on your safety; rather, Beel views your personality as a refreshing change to the usual darkness of Devildom. Honestly, it reminds him of his time in the Celestial Realm. If Lilith had been still with them, he is sure that the two of you would have gotten along very well.

Saying that, if a demon tries to hurt you or take advantage of your kindness, the sixth brother will act as your shield. No one will harm you while he is around.

He is the only brother who doesn't stop you from being kind, not even to the demons who don't deserve your kindness.

Belphie

In the beginning, Belphie finds your overly kind nature annoying and bewildering. He still doesn't understand how you forgave a demon who purposely insulted you in the worst way possible. If you hadn't stopped him, Belphie would have torn the demon to shreds.

But when he sees how your kindness has positively influenced those around him, Belphie's cynical outlook begins to soften. He isn't as irritated and even tries to be nicer to others.

Despite this, the youngest brother can't forgive anyone who tries to hurt or manipulate you.

Belphie truly hopes that the darkness in Devildom will not affect your pureness in any way. He knows through firsthand experience that one little moment is enough to destroy everything and change people. And Belphie hopes you never have to go through that pain.

———————————————

➣ Obey Me Masterlist: [1][2][3] ➣ Main Masterlist

#obey me #obey me nightbringer #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me leviathan #obey me asmo #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me beel #obey me satan #obey me belphie #obey me belphegor

[11rosebunny]

Turn ons (BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN)

a/n: this is a repost from my wattpad, take this for now as i struggle for my exams…

Haruka Sakura

•Girls that fight back.

He's not so much of a romantic person so many of his turn ons do not have any correlation to anything that falls deeper into the aspects of romance.

But he does get off to the sight whenever you talk back to someone you refuse to let disrespect you. Even if you fight back with him, as much as he may seem he's annoyed, he's actually intrigued in the way you snap back making him grin at your remarks.

Some say he's sadistic for that (Suo).

Hajime Umemiya

•When you smell good.

He doesn't find it weird to openly go up to you and take a wiff of your scent. It was a complete accident the first time he smelt your aroma. You and him met up outside of school for the first time alone and because of that, he was able to smell your perfume.

He doesn't know why it gets him riled up, it's even come to a point when you two finally started dating, he wouldn't remove his head away from your neck whenever you were laying on his bed with him.

•Eye contact.

He absolutely digs the way whenever you two stare at each other. Something about the way your eyelashes bat at him as he falls into a deep gaze into yours makes him lose all sanity. He may seem like he's doing fine on the outside but on the inside, his itching to shove you to a wall and ask what you're doing to him.

Toma Hiragi

•When you're submissive.

This isn't put in a way to come off as sexual, it's whenever you simply comply to anything he says. It may sound toxic but he enjoys it when you listen to his orders, regardless if it stops you from doing something you really wanted to do, making you put on a jacket because it was too cold, ensuring you'll text him as soon as you get home, or when he tells you to help him with something.

Taiga Tsugeura

•Wearing his clothes

His wardrobe is quite boring to say the least; plain colours, bland shirts, and mostly shorts. But even so, he enjoys it whenever he walks by you and notices you're wearing one of his shirts.

He'll know right away that it's his due to the sheer size of it and the way it drapes on your body. It makes him go all giddy and smiley when he sees you. He has to look away or else you'll notice the blush dusting on his cheeks.

Mitsuki Kiryu

•When you're embarrassed.

There's a difference between being shy and embarrassed. If you so happen to get shy, he knows he shouldn't be finding interest in that because that's when you are genuinely nervous.

However, if you do get embarrassed, stuttering all over the place, blush creeping up on your face, eyes darting everywhere but his, a little alter ego of himself takes over in his head watching you melt into a puddle of ice cream.

He finds it so entertaining at the way you can't look him in the eye. He'll accuse you of going red and instigate your fumbling even further just for the fun of it.

Hayato Suo

•Accidental touches.

He tries to maintain being respectful but as soon as your hand brushes over his, his chest accidentally touching the back of your shoulder blade, the way youre faces get too close if he's helping you clean something off your cheek, it drives him nuts at the way you look at him.

He may seem calm and collected on the outside, but with how he's flickering his eyes to your lips and your eyes, you can tell if he wasn't holding himself back he probably would have smashed his lips onto yours by now.

Jo Togame

•When you make the first move.

He knows he's tacky for this but he can't help but to love the feeling of being chased by someone he likes.

He's all up for the way you two basically bicker with each other when he knows deep down you want him just as much as he does too.

He loves acting like he doesn't care till at the very last moment he'll say something so breathless that you'll be thinking about it for the next few days.

•Putting your hair up.

He also thinks he has a type for sporty girls due to the fact he just purely doesn't know what his exact type of women is.

If you're getting annoyed at the way your hair continues to fly in your face, need to focus, or simply just want to tie it, he loves watching the process of you tying it up for whatever reason.

Tomiyama Choji

•Fun to be with.

He has trouble being romantic and when he does, it's usually the worst thing you've ever experienced.

So if you two date, you have to expect most of your time with him to be more like fun play dates.

He likes the way you're able to make him laugh and want to do more menacing things with you, even if it ends up with one of you being in trouble.

•PDA.

You can argue this one to him but no matter what, he loves it when you publicly show others that your his.

If you hold his hand, take pictures with him in public, hold his arm, he thinks it's one of the best things you could do to show off your significant other.

It gives him the sense that you're possessive over him. As bad as that sounds, he loves it when you're willing to be aggressive to other people that try talking to him.

#wind breaker #windbreaker #windbreakerxreader #hajime umemiya #hajime umemiya x reader #haruka sakura #haruka sakura x reader #taiga tsugeura #jo togame #mitsuki kiryu #toma hiragi x reader #toma hiragi #hayato suo x reader #hayato suo #taiga tsugeura x reader #mitsuki kiryu x reader #wind breaker x reader #wind breaker manga #tomiyama choji x reader #tomiyama choji #jo togame x reader

[leclercsluvs]

CL16/DR3 | Already Over | smau

part 8

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7

an: i'm thinking this is only going to be like 1 more part. i have no clue what else to make happen tbh, dates/timestamps aren't important, pleas ignore them pairing: charles leclerc x fem!reader, daniel ricciardo x fem!reader

charles_leclerc

liked by pierregasly, maxverstappen1 and 3.189.461 others charles_leclerc wish we could go back in time ❤️ tagged: yourusername

danielricciardo watch it.

maxverstappen1 you're doing everything huh?

charles_leclerc ofc i am. i love her. yourbff fuck off. you had your chance and you fucked up big time. yourfriend not you doing all this AFTER she's moved on. stop fucking with her head dude. pierregasly don't listen to them mate, show her how much you love her! yoursister pierre shut the fuck up, or i will make sure you are not able to drive next weekend <3

tayslover it rubs me the wrong way that he's posting like this while she's in a relationship. also i really need her to be on top of her game when she tours with THE queen.

y/nsfclklore not you putting one above the other 🤨 swiftesversion because taytay is above everyone 💁‍♀️ softy/n/n nahhh they're literally friends??? why put them against each other

yourusername

liked by taylorswift, landonorris and 3.156.442 others yourusername had a fantastic time the first night of the eras tour! thank you to everyone who cheered loudly for me, i appreciate all the support 🥹 tagged: taylorswift

danielricciardo looked gorgeous, sad i couldn't be there tonight

yourbff girlll you're shining!! we'll meet you at the next stop!! ❤️

yourusername no way!! who's "we"?? 🤨 yourfriend don't worry it doesn't involve your stupid ex yourbff it does involve someone else tho 👀 maxverstappen1 i wonder who

y/nswrld can't wait to see you soon!

taylorswift you were amazing! glad i decided to bring you with me

yourusername thank you so much for the opportunity! <3

danielricciardo

liked by yourusername, maxverstappen1 and 4.009.877 others danielricciardo stay hydrated folks! tagged: yourusername

yourusername you really had to include that first pic? 😭

danielricciardo ofc, i gotta get the message out there yourusername blocked.

landonorris you went and didn't invite me? kinda rude

danielricciardo sorry there wasn't space on the plane 🤷 yourbff do you have a private plane? landonorris yeah, why? yourfriend then we'll invite you the next time!

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, yourbff & 4.132.806 others yourusername this has been an amazing time! thank you so much for all the love!

danielricciardo you were amazing! loved seeing you do what you love

yourusername so happy you were able to be there! ❤️ yourbff 🤮 danielricciardo you were the one to bring me? 🤨 yourbff doesn't mean you have to be this cute yourusername aww you called us cute

charles_leclerc you looked gorgeous!

nvrris.ae did she cover 'hopelessly devoted to you' every night? or just the nights daniel was there?

scfty/n every night! but she did seem to sing it with more passion and with a bigger smile on her face whenever her friends or daniel was in the crowd nvrris.ae that's really cute honestly

charles_leclerc

liked by carlossainz55, maxverstappen1 & 4.283.800 others charles_leclerc i was told to wait with making this statement until the whole situation had died down a little, but going to see yourusername live in sydney, i realized i'm done waiting. i love this woman with all my heart. i will do anything to win back your trust. i would stand in the rain for hours watching you do what you love, i would quit racing, i would go through fire and ice, and of course my pr manager is fired. i am truly and incredibly sorry for what i put you through, and i understand if you are never going to fully forgive me. i miss you, and i love you. and i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me at some point. i know you're currently in a relationship, and i'm not asking you to drop that. i just want a second chance. i want a fresh start if you think that would be possible. i hope from the bottom of my heart, that we can start over. i already told you exactly what happened over text, and i talked with everyone in the team, they are more than willing to also tell the story from their perspective. tagged: yourusername

leclrcs this is honestly the cutest little statement ever

scuderia.sf get heeer

danielricciardo watch out.

charles_leclerc i understand the two of you are in a relationship, and i'm not going to fight you, i simply just want forgiveness. i'm not interested in breaking the two of you up

yoursister are you being fr right now??? she's over you. you didn't have to make a public statement or anything at all???

charles_leclerc as i stated, i'm not expecting her to forgive me right now, right this second. i'm expecting it's going to take time, and i'm gonna giver her all the time she needs. yoursister you better sleep with one eye open.

danielricciardo

liked by yourusername, yourbff & 3.458.124 others danielricciardo cool date idea: ask your girlfriend what she wants for dinner and then buy her favorite snacks too tagged: yourusername

yourusername best date to ever exist

yourbff wow what about that time i made you a homecooked meal? yourusername you almost burned down my house??? yourbff um i thought we agreed to not bring that up yourusername no you agreed with yourself to never bring that up, i never agreed.

landonorris and i wasn't invited because???

danielricciardo i didn't know we dated? yourusername care to explain yourself? landonorris yeah care to explain yourself? danielricciardo woah hold on how many people am i dating???

mayasheart aww this is such a cute idea! hold on i'm writing it down

-

okay soooo we're nearing the end. which is good because i have absolutely no clue what else can happen. but the next part is going to happen a bit in the future, like 1 or 2 years later. i'll figure that out while writing the next and last part.

tag list: @exotic-iris13 @callsignwidow @destinyg237 @lanadelray1989

#charles leclerc x y/n #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc x you #charles leclerc #daniel ricciardo x y/n #daniel ricciardo x reader #daniel ricciardo x you #daniel ricciardo #formula 1 #formula one #f1 #formula 1 smau #formula one smau #f1 smau #smau

[kaeyx]

y!dazai , who has previously rejected you but he got HOOKED when you started to pull away from him , who tries not to absolutely freak out when you say you found someone so cute and you wished you were able to talk to this person more . what about him? isn’t he pretty? you were supposed to be into him, how did you get over him that quickly?? this wont do at all :( !!

Oooooh Dazai HATES not having your attention on him, he didn't realise how much he depended on you until you went away!! He thought you were cute at first and it was funny when you were so obvious about being in love with him, plus you did things for him so it wasn't really a hassle to keep you around. A smile here, a brush of fingers there, and you'd be sharing your lunch with him and doing half his paperwork. Dazai thought it was so stupid and adorable to like him so much, always following him around and talking to him, always sharing things about yourself and trying to learn about him.

When you work up the nerve to confess he turns you down, of course. It's not harsh per se but he doesn't handle it with grace either. You just nod and run back to your apartment before he can see you cry, even though you're sure everyone in the office knows what's happening. You take the day off and have a good cry, and over the next few weeks you work on getting over him.

Dazai notices your absence after a week or two. He figures it's whatever, of course you'd be too embarrassed to show your face around him for a while, things will settle down soon. At least he knows you're still thinking about him all the time, because you refuse to look at him or be alone in the same room as him. Slowly you get better, but it's not in the way Dazai thought you would at all! Instead of getting comfortable around him again you become distant, cordial but professional, like you're work acquaintances and nothing more. He's annoyed, at first because he can't mooch off you and then because he honestly starts to miss your company. Why won't you look at him anymore??

It gets even worse when you start blushing and fawning over someone else. A regular at the café who's always there when the ADA take a break, so everyone knows each other at least in passing. You know his order by heart like you knew Dazai's and now you sit on the opposite corner of the table to him instead of right beside him with your thighs pressed together. He misses the warmth, he misses you making excuses to walk over to his desk or go on cases with him, and now you won't stop fucking looking at this other guy, leaning over the booth to talk to him, laughing, talking about your day and your hobbies. Dazai is starting to get annoyed, but more than that he's starting to get lonely. He wishes your attention was on him again, and only him. He wishes he didn't have to compete for your time, he wishes he could make you jump and squirm with just a look or a touch like he used to. You liked him so much, what happened? You can't have lost feelings this quickly, right?? Surely it's all a charade to make Dazai jealous??

#dazai.bsd #dazai x reader #yandere dazai #yandere dazai x reader #he sucks so much

[sundays-wing-piercing]

Hello there! I've been reading through your works and i love how you write Sunday!!

If your requests are open, I wanted to ask something that takes place at the end of the 2.2 quest so if you haven't done it yet, no worries, you can just ignore this ask!

But if you have played through it… I started thinking about nameless! reader on that stage of the theatre, you know the one where MC and Sunday (who's in that gigantic robot) have that exchange "why does life slumber?" "Because… someday… we'll all wake up from our dreams!" "😮") and then the robot with Sunday inside starts falling off the suspended stage etc.

So, I started thinking about nameless! reader starting to weep, while the everyone else (I think it was the full express crew?) is still on that stage, because of everything that happened. Like sure everyone was exhausted and all that unfolded so far probably took a toll on them, so breaking down after everything is done is normal but for reader there's also something else as they see Sunday fall down (I guess figuratively, too) and regain lucidity after the madness he went through (partially related, but i read someone saying that Sunday ended up being controlled by Ena the Order just like how it happened eras ago before her fall and people exulted that she finally fell and the controlling order was no more).

Omg I'm sorry for the long ask 😅 if you even just read through it I'll be happy. Have a wonderful dayyy

Thank you for the ask!! Also, nuh uh don't apologize for yapping im a long text lover this made my day (stay yapping pooks) also out of topic but I love the way you described the last cutscene

Alright im sorry if I interpret this wrong but I think it's obvious the cause would be a feeling of empathy. So first maybe you're someone who's view is similar to that of Robin in which no matter how low a point gets as long as you're alive you'll still be able to get back up and be better. I hope I phrased it right but basically it's hopeful. Even after seeing this guy through his peak madness, his lowest point, something in you hopes for him to get a good ending. For the siblings to finally fly together and thus seeing him just fall like that, basically him giving up and accepting that he'll never be any better than this, you can't help but feel sad for this guy.

Not to mention the fact that after the whole grand theatre incident, Sunday was not only wanted but also missing (if I remember correctly, sry if im wrong) and you can't help but feel even worse as you see Robin desperate to get any info on his wellbeing. How even after all that, the siblings are yet again grieving. Their dream still far from their reach. The thought alone clouds your brain with nothing but sorrow as you cried for them.

Option two is something I thought about more is imagine you absolutely resonating with him. As he goes on with ideology and beliefs ("Everyday should be Sunday" -Sunday Oak) no matter how dehumanizing or flat out baffling they may be a small part of you agrees with him because you yourself have been in that situation, you once believed in the things he's saying, you were once in his position. But unlike Sunday, you've grown to take on a better mindset. Maybe your journeys as a nameless has helped you become a better person. Not immediately but that's alright, in the end you've made way bigger of a progress from what you started out as.

It's mostly the same as the first but this time it hits harder because it's not some baseless optimism. You yourself are a living proof of it. You can't help but feel guilty. But why? Just the sole fact that you both experienced a similar misery but ended with two endings that are opposite to one another makes you feel sorta crappy for simply being happy.

Both end with you praying to whichever Aeon hears your pleas as you wish mercy upon a fallen angel.

#Slowly starting to answer ask again pls let me take my time #No proofread so sry if its shitty #ai rants #hsr sunday #sunday hsr #honkai star rail x reader #hsr sunday x reader #sunday x reader #hsr x reader #honkai star rail sunday

[theysaidhush]

Pick Me

➝ YouCan'tSeeItButIt'sThere!OT8 x 9thMember!Reader, 00's line x Reader ➝ You and the 00's try to discuss who's the most 'pick me' in the group. ➝ crack?, suggestive ➝ wc. 1k

It started off like a joke, really. You were just joking around, enjoying the company, when the topic of 'pick me' came around. To be honest, you weren't one to make fun of others. After all, you do not know what's happening in someone's life. Maybe they are just craving attention - which they obviously are, and they don't know how to voice it. So you just smiled and nodded whenever your opinion was needed.

Jisung was probably the most passionate one in this discussion, shaking his arms and rising his voice whenever someone pointed out that he was the most likely to be a pick me - in your group of friend, that is. But it was a real blast to make fun of him and tease him for his small quirks and habits.

"Hey! Why aren't you defending your bestie!" he turned towards you, eyebrows furrowed and fists tighten in a deadly grip around Hyunjin forearms. Was he trying to fight the taller boy? Maybe, and you weren't going to help him, or else the both of you would end up on your ass if Hyunjin calls Chan.

"Who? Me? Nah, I don't have any bestie, sorry."

The look of pure betrayal on the boy's face was one that you saw on a daily basis. In fact, Jisung was probably one of the only person who could compete against Hyunjin for the title 'who's-the-most-dramatic'. So you just laughed behind your sleeve and watched your self-proclaimed ex-bestie getting his ass beaten by Hyunjin - serves him right, no bestie would want his friend to get whooped.

"See? Starting a fight and then yapping and calling for help, he definitely is the 'pick me' of our group!"

"I'm a babygirl, that's different!"

"Said who?"

Felix's voice was trembling just as much as the accusatory finger pointed at his soul-twin. The accusation did not feel like one coming from his mouth, yet Jisung gasped - you feared he was going to choke on his saliva.

"How dare you!"

How dare he, in fact, when he was second on the podium of 'pick me'. If the way he looks at you meant something, he definitely knew that, and he was hoping that his involvement in this conversation would fade and disappear just like Jisung's ego when he yelped like a ten years old girl as Hyunjin kicked his ankles - so much for going to the gym with 3Racha.

Felix's bright smile was enough to wipe your memory. Did he just threw his friend to the wolf? Who, Felix? No, look at that smile of his, he could never. But, then, you started to doubt it. Would he have done the same if you were in Jisung's situation? Would he have pointed at you with his small finger and pursued lips? You squinted your eyes, looking at his. He just looked back at you, smiling even more brightly. No, Felix can't do that, you're just being dramatic.

As if sensing your - humoristic - internal debate, he puffed his cheeks and made grabby hands towards you, inviting you into his warm embrace.

"Look at him! Look at! That Gremlin is trying to steal my girl while I'm being killed by this atrocious human being!"

"Oi, she was my girl first?"

Well, you had nothing to say, Felix was kinda right. You ignored your Quokka's plead and crawled your way into the Australian's arms and sighed as you snuggled in his chest. His warmth could save you in the coldest night, he lived up to his nickname. His hug was so soft that you did not notice his roaming hands slowly making their way toward your chest.

"Put on a show, we'll put ours."

"I wanna join, it's unfair!"

"Don't mind him, he's just trying to save his ass. Moron."

Oh, the opportunity was too great to pass upon. You were going to kill two birds with one stone. So you clumsily got up on your feet - almost stepping on Felix's hard on while doing so, and everyone turned towards you. Well, Jisung tried, being in a headlock quite prevent him from doing so. And then it was your turn to point an accusatory finger at someone in the room. Hyunjin.

"I'm gonna tell Chan you said that!"

Oh dear. You might have overestimated your capacities. You really thought that being on your feet while Hyunjin was on the floor would do you good. You really thought that you could be faster than someone like him, someone whose reflexes were otherworldly. And you could have succeeded! If it weren't for Seungmin. Kim fucking SeungMin. That traitor. Let alone the fact that Hyunjin's quick hand caught your ankle, making you fall miserably on the ground as he climbed over your body and sat on the back of your thighs, his hand muffling your pleas. But what happened? Seungmin wasn't even in the room!

While you were having a chat with the twin sunshine and your favorite Picasso in a bedroom, the other members were just minding their own business in other parts of the apartment. So you did not expected Seungmin, of all people, to stand in the doorframe - Chan send him to tell you to quiet. What is he? A little brother who has to do his older brother's chores? Spoiler alert: yes, he is. But thankfully, what he found in yours and Felix's shared bedroom was really entertaining - Jisung in a headlock was always entertaining. So he just watched chaos unfold. He heard Hyunjin say ass and moron, watched you get on your feet, ready to snitch on him in order to save your little, poor and hopeless boyfriend, only to watch your face fall when he smirked at you and shut the door on your face.

Seungmin might have heard a muffled scream coming from behind the door. He might have heard Felix praying for your soul and Jisung get his ass whooped a second time. He might have heard something crash and then the bed creak. But he only smirked and headed towards the kitchen. Any other day he wouldn't have missed on the opportunity of watching Hyunjin get scolded by Chan, or watch you being ruined because of your 'bad behavior'. But he was still salty because of what happened a few minutes ago. Seriously, who sends him, a grown ass man, to tell dumb dumber dumbest and dumberest to shut up?

#skz x reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids smut #poly!skz x reader #skz x 9th member #jisung x reader #felix x reader #hyunjin x reader #stray kids fluff #skz fluff #stray kids crack #poly!skz

[polyamorousmood]

Hey there :)

So I have no problem with my bf dating other people, and recently hes started having sth with someone else. Good for them! Legit, no problem with that by itself

But.. now I'm being left on read a lot, like majority of the time it feels like, no matter the topic or time. I just feel.. forgotten, I think, or replaced idk. But it feels pretty bad.

I dont want them to think I'm jealous or mad, I just wish he would still show me the same attention/care as before. Ive talked about how left on read makes me very insecure, due to fake friends and person past experiences before so I dont want to bring it up again.. but it hurts. Idk what to do?

Bad news, babe. You're gonna have to say something again. The good news though is that you can productively procrastinate it, because there's some stuff I want you to do first.

But before I get into that, I let having a cool opening distract me from very important other things that need said: That sucks, and I'm really sorry, but you can make it through this.

Now then. Time to productively procrastinate a difficult conversation. Look, I'm procrastinating it more by making it a read more! (It, um, it is A Lot. I took "blogging platform" literally on this one😅)

It sucks. Believe me, it bothers me too when I can't hear from my partner📵📴 because they're with my meta. It has been A Problem I've had to work through, so I think I'm actually pretty qualified to give advice on this.

Some of what I have to say is going to smart (old-timey word for sting) a bit, so I want to make it clear that I understand where you're coming from, so you can trust the part that stings is necessary. I imagine its something like this:

You relationship with your boyfriend is great! So great, you're happy for him to have someone else to love! That's. That's so rare and incredible, its a love beyond what most will know. And then he takes that love and wads it up and throws it in the back seat to make room for this new schmuck. The love is still there, it's just... in the back seat. And you never thought that would happen, because the relationship is so good! And you already said something, so you worry you're being a nag, which you don't want, because you ARE happy for them, you're so happy for them... except when you're not because you can't be happy when he can't be bothered to text you back. Its not really so much to ask, and you EXPLAINED why its important to you, so why doesn't he seem to care? You communicated, you did your part, and it was hard and scary! Surely harder than texting you back would be! And you don't want to feel like this, but. There's this anxiety that... shouldn't he want to text you back? Isn't that how he would act if he really did still care about you just as much?

Any of that resonate? I don't know you, so maybe some of it was way off base🎯, I don't know. But I hope enough of it was close enough to right that you know I get it when I say:

This isn't just your boyfriend fucking it up. This is, in part, probably you asking something unreasonable. To give you the exact same level of time an energy as when it was just you too is a big ask. To be able to supercede his time with the other person any time you want is a big ask. If you're only okay with your boyfriend having someone else if it doesn't cut into your time at all, how okay with it are you actually?

So before you talk to him about it, you gotta step back. Its not that you're wrong for feeling sidelined. But a poly relationship just isn't going to be the exact same as a monogamous one. It it were, I wouldn't have bothered making a blog, and I wouldn't have needed to because I wouldn't have a trail of loving, wonderful, burnt to ashes monogamous relationships behind me. Let's take a deep breath together. Pause here if you need.

Now, there are some questions here that do affect what I think would be fair. For example, if you're living with your boyfriend, and he's taking you for granted, always texting the other person when he's with you, you don't have any special time with him anymore, and then when he goes out its radio silence. That's a very different situation from you being in a long distance relationship so texting is your main form of communication/bonding and now he's got a new person that lives near him so he's with them constantly and now, what are you, chopped liver? for example. I'm going to give a list of things you might be doing that's unfair, and I want you to take a minute and evaluate as honestly as you can where you fall on that. This is a self-reflection, not an accusation, so please resist any temptations to get defensive (if you even feel them). I recommend taking out a pad of paper and committing to an answer for each. Some you may not be doing at all! Some okay maybe a little. And some now that you think about it, yeah actually, you're doing a lot. That's okay. You not handling it perfectly is okay, and doesn't mean we can't ask the boyfriend for accommodations still.

Are you valuing 1:1 time with your boyfriend as much as you're valuing (negatively) the time he spends 1:1 (not texting you) with his partner? IE, are you more bothered by him not texting you than you are appreciative when he takes time for you?

Are you texting him compulsively out of anxiety instead of because you have something more important to discuss?

Are you accidentally infringing on his other partner's time?

Are you trying to infringe on his other partner's time to reassure yourself that you're important to him?

Are you texting him to "test" him?

When you communicated that you didn't like being left on read, did you properly convey how big of a problem it is for you and what your expectations were?

When you communicated, did you allow space for negotiation and to work on the problem, or was it more like a list of demands?

Are you misplacing your feelings somehow? Is there something else that's bothering you that you don't feel comfortable bringing up?

Are you letting your anxieties run you? Is there something you could be doing to address your feelings?

Are you forgetting to weigh other allocations or shows of love he's making or you?

Is there anything else internally you might be overlooking in regards to this?

Whew! Heavy stuff. But you made it!🎉 Now, we'll dig into how his actions are making you feel. That last set was about what you could be doing better, and this one will help determine he could be doing better. But just like we weren't making accusations about you, we aren't making accusations about him either. We are assuming good faith on your boyfriend's part. This is still ultimately about your feelings and what reasonable accommodations could be made for them.

Do you feel the time allocation for you vs his other partner is fair? Why?

Does he seem to text them back more than you?

Does it seem like he's not taking your concerns seriously enough?

Does this issue look like a larger pattern? If so, what? How will that look long-term?

Has he made specific promises he hasn't kept to you in regards to this? If so, what were they and how hasn't he lived up to them?

Do you feel he's made adequate time for you to discuss concerns, or do you feel like he tries to rush through them?

Do you think he gave you a reasonably clear expectation of what him dating someone else would look like (or did he make it seem "nothing will change")?

Has he not responded to something critical?

Is there anything else he's done in regards to this that doesn't sit right with you?

You did it! 🎉Now we can officially start working on problem-solving. I imagine that was a lot more than you bargained for, for such a simple problem as "I want a text back," but its important to get everything laid out. This helps in a lot of ways. It helps guard against striking on a "solution" that isn't actually sustainable. It makes sure you're starting a discussion in good faith. And hopefully, it will help minimize having to return to the issue.

For the sake of formatting, we're going to address the questions for you first, then the questions about him, then how to have the hard conversation, then workarounds that you may not have considered that aren't really your or his problem. I actually think that third group has some of the better "quick fixes", if you can find one that works.

Starting with the questions about what you could be doing better, in order, skip any that don't apply:

Re: valuing 1:1 time -- Make active efforts to appreciate the time you do have more. Use this time as a guard against negative thoughts when he is unable to respond ("We spent all day together yesterday, a few hours today without hearing from him is fine")

Re: texting compulsively -- Be more vigilant about self-soothing. I find self-talk to be most effective for me. I cannot possibly cover everything here, but it sounds like it stirs up fears you're losing your partner. Since you cannot guarantee that will never happen, I find it most helpful to reassure myself I will be okay even if I do lose them. Another option is to make a reassurance bank, where you can store and see evidence of his affection without asking it from him. Your mileage may vary. If you really struggle with this, there's always therapy.

Re: accidental infringing -- Be more mindful of what you send. Save things that are non-urgent to discuss later, when you have his attention anyway.

Re: deliberate infringing -- Stop it. It will only strain things and make the outcomes you don't want more likely. See self-soothing. Find something else to distract you that you can put energy into.

Re: "testing" him -- See above. I know, its easier said than done. Do the hard work. That shit can ruin your life.

Re: didn't adequately express importance -- Well, its a good thing we're about to talk about it anyway! Really think through how you can explain how badly it makes you feel. We'll get into that more when we discuss How To Have the Conversation

Re: list of demands -- Well, its a good thing we're going to talk about it anyway! This time, see it as a negotiation. Ask him if that's feasible, or if its too much. But open to trying alternate solutions.

Re: misplaced feelings -- Take the advice on How To Have a Conversation and apply it to the thing that's actually the problem.

Re: managing anxieties -- Again, you'll have to find a way to self-soothe somewhat. That's not to say your partner shouldn't meet you halfway, but you do have to do your half.

Re: forgetting other expressions of love -- Literally make a list of all the things he's done/is doing for you. As many as you can think of. Add to it often. Pick a couple and do a deep dive on why that mattered so much to you and how you felt. Tell him, too. You gotta be grateful consciously, bro. This applies to all of life

Re: anything else -- Take that into account. Work on that, too, however you can. Be honest with him about your shortcomings when you address it.

A lot of these will require upkeep on your part (kind of mirrors🪞how texting you back consistently requires upkeep on his, huh?). Be prepared to discuss the changing you're going to make and have an actionable plan for them. Okay, his turn, same as before:

Re: fair time allocation -- does he need to make more time for you? Do he need to make protected time that is only for you? You said you feel forgotten, replaced, so maybe this is part of it.

Re: unequal texting -- first, consider why. If he lives with you, he's probably going to have to text the other person in front of you sometimes. If you still think its too much, again, protected time for you may be appropriate, he may need to do a better job keeping his New Relationship Energy (NRE) in check. Be prepared to discuss this, possibly including him defending himself!

Re: not taking concerns seriously -- Well, its a good thing we're discussing this again! Make sure you have an actionable, measurable metric he can do to show you progress here. (IE ❌"I need you to care more" ❌ but ✅"When you're unable to respond, I need you to say that you're busy so I know you thought of my needs" ✅)

Re: bigger patterns -- You will have to tell him you're concerned about those too. If it could become untenable for you, this will probably be a recurring discussion. Consider scheduling check-ins where you say one thing you think is going well and one thing you're worried about, for example.

Re: unkept promises -- here, you are super justified in being mad. Try not to be anyway. Try to be curious and interested in addressing the root problem. Ask him what got in his way, what middle ground he's confident he can manage. It is you and him vs the problem, even here, not you vs him.

Re: inadequate room to discuss -- Set expectations before the talk, and remind him of them if he forgets. (IE "I know this isn't nice to hear, but I need you to let me say my piece and talk through solutions, even if it takes awhile." and "I said I needed to talk through the solution. This sounds nice, but I'm concerned about X. How can we make sure that doesn't happen?") Consider reserving specific time to discuss it, consider reserving recurring time to discuss any problem, if you need it.

Re: didn't set expectations appropriately -- ask. Ask what this would ideally look like to him. If he's having trouble getting started, point out some differences you've already noticed, and ask if he thinks those are the new norm.

Re: didn't respond to something critical -- Establish a way he can see what is critical and what isn't. This might be texting something that can wait, but calling for something important, for example.

Re: anything else -- address that too. Give him a chance to explain himself. etc.

Okay, you've done everything up to this point alone. You're prepped. Now How Do You Have The Conversation?

For this type of stuff, I recommend the WIBS format. That is, "When [something happens], I feel [feelings] Because [explanation] So could you please [change]". But of course, it can't be that simple either. Critically you CANNOT say "you" before the "so could you please". The example I'm about to give is going to use the texting issue specifically, but if you've done the soul searching and found there's a bigger problem you want to address (which ngl, sounds like there might be something bigger based on what you sent), adjust accordingly! This is good general advice for any tough conversation. Anyway, here's what that might look like on the texting thing:

"When I am left on read, I feel anxious and betrayed, because I've had a lot of friendships completely fall apart, and that's always how it started. So could you please make a point to text me something when you read my message, even if its just 'lol' or you saying you want to discuss it later."

But wait a minute! That doesn't include any of the bullshit I just made you do. What the hell am I trying to pull? Okay okay, so we have to modify this a bit. Our new format is going to be something more like this: "When [something happens], I feel [feelings and impact], because [explanation]. I have tried [things you've tried], and I am still struggling because [reason why that hasn't helped, including what you could do better]. So I was hoping to look at some more solutions, like, would you be willing to try [change]." Which might in practice look something like

"When I am left on read, I feel so anxious and betrayed I start spiraling thinking the relationship is doomed, because I've had a lot of friendships completely fall apart, and that's always how it started. I have tried dropping some hints and self soothing, and I'm still struggling because this is a really bad anxiety that I didn't have to deal with before recently and even with the hints I'm not getting the response rate I would like. So I wanted to talk about it and see if you'd be willing to try making a point to text me something when you read my message, even if its just 'lol' or you saying you want to discuss it later."

And then! The discussion continues. Maybe he says "oh my god, yeah, I didn't realize it was bothering you that much, absolutely I can do that" and maybe he says "I'm with you all the time how is this still a problem?" or maybe its "actually, [other partner] gets really anxious when I text, which is why I don't respond unless its important. I figured I could talk to you about dinner plans any time" and whatever the case is, you keep talking until you've set on clear goalposts and have reassurance they feel okay to all parties. So in order, your responses might be something like "are you sure you can manage that? I was really worried by my hints not being picked up on that that was the reason", "I know its a problem. That's why I'm talking to you about it. If that's not a good solution to you, let's come up with something else, because the way things are is really hard on me," and "okay. I don't want to make [other partner] anxious either, but this isn't working for me, can we find something else to try?"

Allow him to explain, be prepared to explain more yourself, and be willing to try a variety of solutions. Acknowledge

Is this my longest post yet? Maybe! Wild. Let's top it off with something easier: The Hack Solutions🧑‍💻. Sometimes, anxiety isn't logical, and goofy workarounds can be super helpful! Here are some off the top of my head, but feel free to get creative, too! Not all of these may be feasible, not all of them may help. But a lot less work than some other solutions so worth mentioning!

You said being "left on read" is what bothers you. Can you just... turn off read receipts? Or switch to a messaging app that doesn't have them? Can he just not read your texts until he has the time to respond?

A lot of phones have a driving mode, that will send an automated reply to texts. Can he turn that on when he's with his other partner so you get a reply like "hey I'm busy rn, but I'll text back later!" and would that help?

If you just want to feel more involved, maybe it would help if he just like, took a picture of his pizza to send to you. Reminds you you're thought of, doesn't require conversation.

Something that I've done with friends is write like, a dozen short affirmations/reassurances, and have them keep them in a special spot. When they need to feel loved, they can take one out to read. This has worked PHENOMENALLY for them, and still protects your partner's time away while allowing you to get love direct from your partner WHENEVER you want.

Can he just kick it with you both concurrently?

Can you have a friendship with your meta where you text THEM like "tell [bf] to text me back real quick" and then your bf doesn't feel bad about texting in front of the other partner because they're telling him to do it?

Classically condition yourself. Like, every time he leaves you on read, eat a chocolate. And then sometimes instead of it being "boyfriend won't text me :(((" it'll be "oooo! candy time!"

ai yai yai! That's all I have, though! Come back if you need help working through some specifics. I'm very happy to help however I can. Its not your fault you're struggling with this. Most polyam relationships have to deal with this to some extent, but with a little effort, you can make it through. Best of luck to you, friend. 💙💖🖤

#poly relationship advice #ask box is always open #long post #polyamory #jealousy

[furiousgoldfish]

I had a conversation the other day, with a person who seemed to have some respect for me, but couldn't understand why I'm still having trauma symptoms, and can't be normal already. I took it as a chance to try and explain my symptoms, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears;  I was told I just needed to tell myself that 'I am a new person now', and forget about the past. The person then explained to me how they weren't always the same person either, and they would sometimes cringe at their behaviour in the past, but then they would be proud of themselves for being smarter and more reasonable today. I couldn't quite explain to them that my situation was not the same.

They gave me various suggestions like 'just don't think about these things anymore', and 'these people are not going to hurt you anymore', which I strongly doubted was true. I tried to explain that I am not purposefully thinking about it; in fact, I was doing everything to avoid it. But with intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, and the symptoms of the dissociative disorder, I had no control over it, the past was at my throat, holding me and unwilling to let go. I could tell that they still believed I was doing it on purpose, holding on and refusing to stop living in the past.

I very rarely get a chance to talk to someone about anything trauma related, so I was originally grateful that anyone was even showing an interest at 'attempting to help me', but later when I thought about the entire thing, I got pissed off.

Firstly it doesn't make any sense for me to be 'normal', in any timeline, regardless of how much time has passed. You can't have a person living first few decades of their life in belief that their life is worthless, in environment where they're getting locked up, beaten, humiliated, tortured, threatened with death, brainwashed to believe they're not human, severely neglected, and without any kind of genuine caretaker or a parent. And then leave it to this person to 'deal with it alone', never getting any help, never even getting reassured that what happened to them was wrong. That is complete abandonment by human society, and I find it sick and twisted that this person should be expected to adhere and integrate into society afterwards, for what? This person will logically feel betrayed, untrusting, bitter, feral and unnacepting the society's standards, especially their standards for victim blaming and ignoring abuse. Society continually fails these people expects them to 'fix themselves' so nobody would feel uncomfortable about it.

Secondly why is it up to me to change as a person? I am not like this because 'I was not a good enough person', I am not the one who needs changing. I am good as I am. It's worse that after being failed in every aspect, I am now being seen as the one in 'the need of change', for not acting normal and being haunted by my past. I am not hurting anybody! I am the only one suffering from this. God forbid my reality leaves someone uncomfortable, I better try to hide it better. Which I actually do unless sometimes is actively asking me about it.

And the last bit of my anger is about making it seem like the actual problem is 'me holding onto the past', and not my life being severely different and harmful in a way that isolates me from other people. I don't have the same formative experiences other people had. I don't remember being cooed at and hugged, I don't have endless experiences of being taught that I'm important, that someone will care and intervene when I'm in pain, that the figures of mother and father are safe, warm, comforting and reliable. That childhoods are a positive and fun part of life. That families work as an environment for children to be raised on. I don't have the experiences that formed all other beliefs that this culture holds, I hold nothing sacred that is sacred to everyone else, I don't believe in the authorities, I don't believe in family, I don't rejoice with holidays, I don't want children, I don't trust religion, I feel contempt towards capitalism, I don't relate or connect to people who are receptive to any of it.

And it turns out I'm right to feel as I do. Because people in this society will actively come to me asking me to 'stop being like that', while never asking any abuser to 'stop being like that'. Victims who make them uncomfortable can be spoken down to, should be told to stop being traumatized, even in private, while the abusers just need to be 'ignored' and 'hopefully they stop doing it'. What a great plan. Surely it will fix everything.

Humane thing to do would be to approach me with awareness that I've been treated like a worthless creature and address it and allow me to act genuine about it. If I'm still feeling betrayed, abandoned and outcast from society, I should be able to express that. I deserve to react with genuine responses rather than this insane preformance art I have to do every single day to make sure nobody else is aware or uncomfortable by my peril.

#trauma #cptsd #ptsd #healing from trauma #trauma recovery #abuse recovery #child abuse #story

[aayakashii]

I'm going through the Sinostra chapter right now and I can't stop making theories omg there might be spoilers below so be careful, although I'm just enumerating my questions tbh lol

According to one of Taiga's home screen dialogs, there might be some sort of time loop happening which he's KINDA aware of? Or maybe just aware when triggered somehow.

He said "long time no see! You decide to ditch this future too? Sorry I'm not dead yet" which is INCREDIBLY ooc as to how he behaves during the story which leads me to

His extreme memory loss, which apparently lasts less than 24 hours. Why is that? Did he go through so many time loops that it started affecting his memory? There was one small moment in which he remembered Ritsu because he saw the MC face though...

The Clash. What the fuck was it

What's Taiga relationship to Haru? Haru sounds eerily nonchalant regarding Taiga even though the man keeps on threatening Peekaboo. And aftewards, Rui briefly mentions that Taiga has a "destroying what others hold dear" schtick, which leads me to believe that Taiga is seeking revenge for losing something important maybe???? Is the fanfic brainrot too big rn

WHY DOES HE HATE LIKE DOVES??????? I dont wanna go full romantic mode, but is he just resentful of seeing a bird that is the physical representation of someone else's feelings or something......

The spy. Honestly no idea. There's some theories floating around that Haku is the spy, but I would rather see him during the Hotarubi episode before jumping to conclusions, but it's understandable how people might think that I guess...? He IS very nice and helpful and randomly finding the MC fleeing by train was way too much of a coincidence... he does seem to always tie the MC to Darkwick somehow, firstly by KIDNAPPING her and then by talking her into staying. If the MC is the trigger to a bigger event, then one could see that as suspicious. But I would like a bit more evidence first lol

Back to Taiga, why is he. Like why

Okay no but seriously. If we take the timeloop thing seriously + Haku being a spy, here's the theory:

Taiga knows the MC is the trigger for an awful event and tried killing them back in the Prologue in order to cut the problem on its roots. Haku, if we consider him as the spy, WANTS the event to happen (considering he could also be aware of the loop), which is why he saved us and took us to Darkwick, therefore letting it all play out once again.

If Haku isn't the spy, then we would have to chalk it up as Taiga knowing and trying to kill us, but destiny (???) being a bitch, therefore putting Haku there as a pawn to make things play out again

Maybe the spy can control other ghouls? Who know tbh

Finally, what is going on during the first scene we see in the game? Darkwick on fire and the first character we choose jumping off of the building? I wonder what would happen if we choose Taiga as our first card....... maybe I should create a sub acc

Anyway if anyone has more questions/theories PLEASE SEND THEM MY WAY IM OBSESSED WITH THIS GAME I NEED TO THINK ABT IT

There is also a good theory on reddit made by u/imonlybr16 that states this:

"Before the prologue, when you open the game for the first time, you're greeted with the opening scene involving MC running through the halls of a ruined Darkwick. The question is asked "When the world is collapsing around you, whose hand will you take?"

There you're taken to your character choice screen. The guy you choose is later shown on the railing of a balcony, about to jump off.

Now I think I have a very far fetched and vague idea as to what is going on.

In chapter 2, we learn that the person that Alan killed was Dante or at least he thought he did. But we meet Dante and he's very much alive.

This comes theory number one.

***You can't actually die on campus.***

Note the use of actually here. You can 100% still die, you just end up coming back to life.

If Rui is your home screen he talks about accidentally killing someone else in his dorm and being annoyed with having to lift them back to Obscuary. This struck me as a particularly odd dialogue because Rui's curse causes people to die.

Unless, you can't die on campus.

This would explain Dante pretty much instantly. Yes Alan killed him but yes he's alive.

The campus itself is an anomaly, stopping people from dying doesn't sound too far fetched. I expect this to be revealed with the other two members of Obscuary, as that dorm seems to have a connection to death. One of the things that always pops up is that ghouls aren't immortal, no matter how quickly they heal.

Also explains how Calamari didn't die in chapter 3. Ren ran from the dorm > the caves > the jetty and Calamari was already pretty dehydrated in the beginning.

But OP you might say, aren't all the guys talking like they believe they're going to die.

Luckily, that brings us to vauge and far fetched theory number two.

***The campus is on fire due to a rebellion***

In the very last chapter of the prologue we get to see Kaito's wickhive. There we see three pretty interesting threads.

. There's gonna be an uprising soon

. One of you is a demon

. There's a guy who could see the future

Kaito is surprised at something he sees in this scene but we don't learn what it is. This chapter's 'preview' is one of the scenes we see in the very beginning. Blood and a Lily.

I believe that the first thread is foreshadowing and will . After you meet your chosen guy standing on the railing you get a line of dialogue (or not if you picked Towa) that changes depending on who you picked. Some imply that what they're doing is going to save you(Jiro, Zenji and Sho), some apologize stating that they could protect what they cared about until the very end (Luca,Kaito,Haru and Yuri) but three characters caught my attention

Leo: Life sucks and then you die,right? I just want to make the assholes responsible regret it.

Ren: This is exactly why I didn't to do this! I knew this was how it was going to end.

Subaru: This is all my fault. I don't expect you to forgive me, but this is the least I can do. Please take this as my final act of good faith.

Especially Subaru's and Ren's, that seemingly imply either the MC's (Ren's) or their (Subaru) involvement in the current situation. Now what does this has to do with a potential uprising?

One of the things we learn from the very beginning is the inter-politics of the houses and by extension the ghouls. Especially after the fallout of the clash. Things are pretty tense and an uprising or rebellion seems to be the most likely thing.

As to what happened and why? I have no clue. Though one thing to note is that according to the prophecy, as long as the ghouls are in Darkwick, they prevent a disaster from coming. If Darkwick is destroyed however, the prophecy can't be fulfilled, or can it?"

This is such a good theory too, I really think u/imonlybr16 has probably gotten a lot of things right.

Although it's weird that death is such a big threat to us specifically, but maybe the Academy can't prevent death by curses, much like the Mesmer Matches dont work on someone who's cursed. Hhmm...

#tokyo debunker #haru sagara #taiga hoshibami #rui mizuki #haku kusanagi #sinostra #hotarubi #Jabberwock

[dangermousie]

The more I think about it, the more irritated by the latest reset I get.

It's funny, because the reset in W superficially was similar (she redid the story so they never met and so she was the only one who remembered) and it didn't bother me at all. I think in some part because it was done much much earlier in the narrative - there was plenty of time for it to develop again and it did (I loved that he never remembered in W, not truly, tho he read about it in the comic), and because it was done only once (some of my eyeroll in LR is because I am getting tired of redos, though yes, I realize the repeats are theme of the drama so that's on me), but in larger part it's because W was a very different and a much more complex narrative.

It really processed at length what it's like to be the only one who remembers things nobody else does, the trauma of loving someone who doesn't know you, the reasons ML keeps being drawn to her despite not remembering her, AND it gave a great reason as to why she erased things - there was no other way to fix anything, the whole world included, as far as they could figure out - not to mention it wasn’t done unilaterally - she did it but at his request. W was a meditation on a lot of things and only some of it was the (admittedly awesome) love story, and it was incredibly and tightly written.

LR, for all its many charms, is a romcom. It's just a romcom. It's not really an exploration of anything else much otherwise. We are not going to get any of the exploration of what it means to fight fate or to love someone who does not remember you in a world in which you have no place. No take on what it means to have the ability to change the world and control it to some degree through your actions or the ins and outs of timelines or what it does to you to fight fate and fail repeatedly, and the trauma one can shove through making the best of bad choices. Heck, the last save and any fallout for Sol happens entirely off-screen. And let's face it, if Sol and SJ actually cooperated and thought for about five minutes, they'd not have ended up on that cliff, so the "necessity" feels contrived.

Basically, it's not really the erasure - it's the way I think it won't really be addressed or explored in any way I want.

I realize that LR never pretended to be anything but what it is - a cute romcom with amazing chemistry and some great acting - so it's a little like going to a steakhouse and complaining you can't get sushi. But the heart wants what it wants so here we are.

#kdrama #lovely runner #w two worlds

[meixstar]

heyy, i saw that your requests are open and i was wondering if i could please request fluff with sukuna, comforting the reader when they have a bad mental health day if its okay, thank you🩵

❥ Synopsis In the end everything will be fine, if just for a moment.

❥ Pairing Sukuna x Reader

❥ Content gn!reader, mentions of mental health, some swearing, fluff, slight angst to comfort, Sukuna being Sukuna

❥ Word Count 905

❥ A/N Thank you for your request, Anon! :) I should have done more research about mental health but I still hope this comforts whoever needs it right now. I'm also still learning how to exactly write characters and their personalities so please be patient with me, and give me some tips if you like c: Take care of yourself and enjoy!

♡ Finding Comfort in the Storm ♡

It was clear that today hadn't been the best day - not after oversleeping, missing an important deadline, and then once again getting yelled at by your boss.

Why did these things always have to happen to you?

Sukuna could tell that you weren't feeling well. Or at least he knew that something must be bothering you by the look on your face. Was he annoyed that you won't tell him? Definitely.

"Oi, what is it with you today?" He speaks in his deep voice as he watches you flop down on the couch beside him, face buried in the soft material. You just shake your head, not daring to meet his eyes while your own fill with tears.

Today had been really stressful, and now you just want to let go and let everything out.

"Don't play dumb with me, I know you're upset over something," he says gruffly, pulling on your arm to make you sit up. His fingers wrap around your wrist like a vice as he examines your face, trying to figure out what's going on behind those tears.

"I'm not," you answer in a weak attempt to stop him from further investigating. "Today's just been.. shitty." Sukuna raises an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed by your half-hearted response. "Save it, brat. You think I don't know when someone is lying to me? What's going on? Did someone bother you?"

The grip on your wrist tightens ever so slightly as he leans closer, his breath hitting your forehead. Finally, the tears are being spilled as they run down your cheeks. You desperately try to dry them with the sleeve of your sweater but to no avail.

He lets out a low growl under his breath, his expression darkening as he watches you cry, his gaze piercing through the tears, almost as if searching for the root of your distress. "Tell me." his demand is soft-spoken yet laced with an underlying intensity that brooks no refusal.

"I-I'm tired," quiet sobs leave your lips as you lower your head to flee his piercing gaze. "All week I've been just so tired. I can barely get out of bed, shower or find the motivation to eat. Work has been stressing me out as well. I just.. want to sleep."

His grip on your wrist eases, his touch gentling as he reaches out with his free hand to brush away the strands of hair clinging to your damp cheek. "And you thought you could handle it all on your own, huh?" a hint of amusement creeps into his voice, accompanied by a raised eyebrow, though his eyes remain fixed on yours, probing deeper.

You shrug weakly in a feeble attempt to respond to him. "I have to," you answer in a hoarse voice from your crying session. "But at the same time, I feel like I can't even take care of myself sometimes. I hate that feeling.."

A fleeting glimmer of curiosity flickers across Sukuna's face before he masks it with a neutral expression, his gaze never wavering from yours "So, you'd rather exhaust yourself than admit weakness and ask for help?" his words are laced with a subtle, probing quality, as if he's digging deeper into the recesses of your mind.

You let out a quiet sniff and wipe your nose with your sleeve. "What?" With a slow raise of your head, you come once again face-to-face with him. His expression is cold, yet there lies something else.. perhaps tenderness? Care? Who knows.

Sukunas eyes seem to bore into you, "You're still not getting it, are you?" he whispers ever so slightly. His breath dances across your skin, sending shivers down your spine as he inches closer, his lips brushing against your ear. "You don't have to be strong all the time." that was.. unusual for him. Him? The King of Curses saying you should let your guard down?

Once again, your lips begin to tremble. But it's still so hard to do just that - being not strong when everyone, including yourself to be just that at any given moment. "Let go, just for tonight. Let someone else carry the weight of your heavy burden for once." his words are laced with a promise, a silent vow to be that someone who'll hold you together when everything seems to be falling apart.

"I'm tired.." a weak whisper into his ear as you slowly begin to calm down. Sukuna's lets go of your wrist, and he wraps his arms around you instead, pulling you close as he settles back into the couch, cradling you against his chest. "Then sleep. I've got you." his words are low, reassuring, and for once, devoid of any arrogance or condescension.

"Since when are you so good at comforting?" you let out a big yawn as the tiredness you so desperately tried to avoid comes seeping through.

A low, rumbling chuckle vibrates through his chest, making you feel the vibrations against your ear. "I'm not. I'm just good at manipulating people to get what I want." he murmurs, his hand stroking your hair in gentle, soothing motions. "And right now, I want you to relax."

A small smile forms on your face before you drift off into a peaceful slumber. Sukuna's gaze lingers on your serene face, his expression softer than usual, before he looks away. His eyes drift towards the window, where the first hints of darkness are creeping in.

♡ fanart from @xshuh90 on pinterest ♡

♡ divider by @benkeibear ♡

#jjk #jjk x reader #jjk sukuna #sukuna #ryomen sukuna #jjk ryomen #jujutsu kaisen #jujustsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen sukuna #jjk fluff #fluff #how do i use tumblr #request #jjk smut #jjk gojo #sukuna ryomen #sukuna ryoumen x reader #sukuna ryoumen x you

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

WHAT THE HELL WHY IS SNAPE SO MUCH MORE CRUEL IN THE BOOKS? 💀 Thank you so much for telling me all that btw, I think I understand why so many hate him now, since I've only seen the movies I was always flabbergasted when people said that they hate Snape but bro is a literal creep. Taking Lily's photo is sooo weird wtf 😭 Also why is he tormenting a literal 11 year old boyy. Damn. And poor Hermione :')

Thank you for your time btw! ^^

Also, are there any honorary mentions in the books? Not necessarily about Snape too perhaps but maybe anyone or anything else? Like, are the books that different from the movies? Low-key makes me wanna read them but I don't feel like buying the books 💔 (':

You don't need to buy anything! It's free if you search online. I haven't bought a single book but I've read the whole series online and even found the audiobooks free online lmao.

Honorary mentions?

Tbh, when Harry visits his parents graves in deathly hallows, I was always moved by the line 'he wished he was sleeping under the snow with them'

And I think all the chapters in Half blood prince that focus on Voldemort's memories from when he was a young man are super engaging. Everything about his family is interesting, imo.

I liked how, when Hermione asks Ron to be her date to Slughorns party, Harry gets all flustered and says he 'knew something like this would happen'

I like how, when Harry uses the resurrection stone in the last book, he and his mother are so enthused to be able to look at each other that they just gaze at each other for a bit.

I LOVE the scene with Madame Maxine and Hagrid when we find out Hagrid is a half giant. I'm a sucker for characters telling people they like "don't go". And I love how Harry is all like "oh damn. I should NOT be hearing this conversation"

There's a moment where Harry tells the dursley's that Voldemort has come back, and aunt petunia expresses fear. Harry says it's the first time he appreciates that petunia is his mother's sister. I think it's so cool that petunia, someone who does her best to live a smuggle life, is still very aware of the kind of threat that Voldemort is. I feel like that's a detail a lot of people look over. To me, that scene adds a whole new layer to how terrifying Voldemort is.

I like how Neville gets given a candy wrapper by his mom (she was tortured to insanity and has been permanently hospitalized. Neville was raised by his gran as a result) and his gran tells him to throw it away, but when he thinks no one is looking, he stuffs it into his pocket instead. Like. God. I just love that scene. Neville's mom doesn't know who he is. To me, I read that scene and can't help but think "Neville has never received a gift from his parents. He keeps that wrapper because it's the only thing his mom has ever given him. It is the only type of 'gift' that he will ever receive from his mom" It drives me insane.

Oh and oh my GOD. I love how Hagrid is all like "Harry, I'd love you to win the tournament. It'd show everyone that you don't need to be pure blood to be worth something" and this moves Harry so much that he gets to work on solving the egg clue. Literally NOTHING anybody else has said to him has made him take action, but Hagrid's faith in him is what did the trick. And I love the line "there was something about lying to Hagrid that wasn't quite like lying to anyone else." Their relationship is honestly so pure. I love that Hagrid was Harry's introduction to the Wizarding world. He literally brings Harry to us, the reader (or watcher if we're talking the movies). Harry comes to us on Hagrid's motor bike. From the very beginning, Hagrid carries out Harry's introduction.

I love EVERYTHING about the way dobby adores Harry. You don't get much a sense of it in the movies, but their relationship is super wholesome. Dobby may have been a free elf, but he followed Harry's every command because he loved him so much. He straight up fought another elf for insulting Harry. He deserved better than what the movies did with him.

I will say, the one thing from the movies I like better is that I love the scene with Hermione and Hagrid right after Draco calls her a mudblood. I love how he holds her hand and says "don't you think on it" and Hermione's eyes are filled with tears but she smiles at him anyway. That was incredibly cute. Although, in the books, Hermione does not know what a mud blood is, and I think there is merit in having Ron--the only pureblood wizard--know what it is while Harry and Hermione do not. There's something so pure about Ron attacking Draco even though hermione doesn't know what a mudblood is. It's like "I don't care if you didn't hurt her feelings! I don't care if she doesn't know what that word means. I know what that word means and you're not going to talk to her that way."

Oh, and I like the part where Percy sends a letter to Ron telling him not to talk to Harry anymore. Harry being all like "I've know percy for 4 years. I've spent summers with him. He gave me top marks during the tournament. I shared a tent with him." is really effective and you can feel his hurt so well.

This post is so long lmao. I've left out so many good moments. My point is: read the books! You'll love them.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

it's hard to imagine that if they actually dated she would be posting bts content from 2020 to prove it. like she would have to have something she took herself. she has been stoking these rumors for years and she has yet to show something that proves they have ever even met irl. i hope the rumor that he moved out before enlisting is true because this is getting old.

"she has been stoking these rumors for years and she has yet to show something that proves they have ever even met irl." Exactly, yeah.

There was someone yesterday or the day before who sent an ask arguing in favor of every story she posted the other day and how she couldn't have possibly gotten those from anywhere else when she very much could've. All I'm gonna say is people have literally worn Jimin's fake love outfits because somehow fans got a hold of it, and someone was able to get his mail from BTS own home. Also, when that guy posted the heart jikook photo and some other Jimin photo from Japan in like 2018/2019, everyone immediately and unanimously agreed that he couldn't possibly be their friend anymore because if he was he wouldn't have posted those photos. And I agreed with that because I've also seen how Jimin seems to handle his personal relationships and to keep their exposure to a minimum. We don't even see social media posts with sungwoon or saeon who are also somewhat public figures.

But I really don't care about "debunking" any of it, I think the back and forth between "this is legit proof" and "that isn't legit proof" is stupid and annoying.

I've been told before stuff like why do you get so defensive about it but it's not defensiveness. It's annoyance because I really seriously geniunely don't care if it's real or not, and it's annoying that people want me so bad to care. Like why does it matter??? I don't have that parasocial of a relationship with Jimin, but have those anons stopped to think they might have a parasocial relationship with ME? Because I really can't understand why they want me to care so bad.

Last December, I was on holidays right, and I sleep with my phone next to my bed and the phone vibrated like three or four times in a row and it woke me up (I have really light sleep). I checked it and it was just before 7am and the phone had been vibrating because of tumblr notifications. I opened them and it was I SWEAR like 3 or 4 messages recounting every single instagram story the actress had ever posted or some shit. I blocked that anon immediately. Nothing had even happen!!!! That person just felt like obsessing over this woman's instagram and that was it. So they had to come and give me all their "proof" and accusing me for not believing in it.

I've also realized how much ammo she gets by doing these slight, sneaky """reveals""" because it's actually what gets people talking more than they would if she just posted a photo of Jimin sitting on the toilet. People post her stories, then go check them, then check her comments, a couple of hours later they check to see if she's deleted them, etc etc. All while others on twitter were sharing the stories left and right and comparing it with the bangtan bomb and trying to decipher if it was really Jimin behind that flower emoji.

So, yeah that's really it. Also not directed to you, but to some other people. Don't ask me or expect me to care... I might've cared years ago when I still believed Jimin and Jungkook were a thing but I've been saying more like two years already that they're not fucking each other, so there's literally no reason at all for Jimin dating to ever affect me. And even when I did believe they were fooling around, I never ever said "they're totally in a committed exclusive real relationship and have been married since 2015" because I've never believed that.

I've been a fan of Harry Styles since I was 15 years old and it has never bothered me to see him making out in public with the whole lineup of Victoria Secret's models because I've just never been that person. So even if it wasn't the reaction people expected me to have, you're just gonna have to believe me when I say Jimin dating rumours do not bother me.

Lastly and I really doubt I'll be addressing this topic again unless something really significant happens, there really isn't necessary "proof" for me to take this seriously. I just don't have enough information to believe in this rumour and that's just it. I'm not going to be thinking harder and trying to connect barely-there dots for someone else. If there is something there, or there was at some point in the past, I'm gonna need taennie level of proof.

[bettsfic]

Hi Betts,

I recently listened to an interview with an author that said “when they decided to get really serious about writing and their dreams they made a ten year plan.” So me being the planner that I am, said maybe I should do it too, especially since this writer is pretty successful. Have I made a decent enough plan? No, because being real about your dreams and committing is scary af.

But I have developed this thinking that each story I have to work on has to be “publishable” and if I can’t immediately envision its success I need to push it away. For some people this is fine. For me, I’m pushing aside every idea and am constantly writing for an invisible audience. Which has its pros and cons.

I want to become efficient so that I can be a good author. One who meets deadlines and puts out work they are proud of. But I’m wondering if it’s even possible to try to work to be an author and still create work that is fun and true to you? If a decision isn’t meaningful I won’t include it in my outline. It feels like the only time writing can be fun is when I was young and had no clue about market and rules and just assumed my dreams would come true.

you know, what i keep finding over and over again is that i was right about a great many things before i had any idea what i was doing. i just didn't know why i was right, i had no context or evidence for my rightness. granted, i was arrogant, but arrogance isn't wrong; it's just uninformed. when you inform arrogance, it becomes confidence. you become informed by getting a lot of feedback on your work and giving feedback on work; having your work accepted once or twice and accepting someone else's work; having your work rejected hundreds of times and being the one to reject. maybe you've done all those things already, in which case you're firmly on your path and there's not much you have to do besides keep going.

i definitely relate to what you're saying, though. i would be lying if i said i wasn't just days ago in a phase of berating myself for my failures and wishing i could work harder and more efficiently. i've cultivated some confidence about my work, but there are some ways in which i'm too arrogant and others in which i'm too humble. i have a long way to go still in informing myself about my work and the process of making it.

you'll be in positions where you have to make creative concessions for the sake of publishing, but don't make them before you get anything on the page. listen to your own ideals and make those ideals happen in your work. a year ago, i finished a novel that was my favorite thing i'd ever made, and i was so proud of it, but i knew it wasn't publishable in the state it was in. even though i'd worked a year on it, it was still an early draft and bore the marks of an early draft, but i couldn't see that because i'd never taken any project further than that one. i'd never felt closer to a project or more intensely toward it. and when i was done, i went through six months grieving it, in a sense, because i knew i'd have to rewrite it. i had to kill the thing that it was in order for it to become what it needed to be. i came to accept that, and the next six months sat on the frustration of not knowing what direction to take it, but having the wisdom to know i couldn't rush it or force it.

and then the fix came to me all at once. the fix involves getting rid of many things that were once dear to me. not even darlings, but entire themes i felt were meaningful, that were the very things i want to share and explore in my work. i don't feel so bad about giving those things up now. what i take out will be put into something else eventually, and what i keep will stand out more starkly. the new parts i write will fit better and serve the story itself, even if it's no longer the story i originally intended to tell.

when you're drafting, your work is in a private conversation with yourself; it's about you even if it isn't. but it can't stay about you. eventually it has to stand on its own. and you might think, well why can't i just write something that stands on its own to begin with? but if you do that, writing is just work, it's business, and it may be more efficient but it's also less meaningful. there's no such thing as efficient creativity. it takes as long as it takes, and if you force yourself on a ten year timeline you might as well focus that energy on something more lucrative and within your control. there's so much about writing that's just chance and discovery and failure and faith.

so i think you should go back to assuming your dreams will come true and not thinking too much about anything except the work itself until you get to the point where you have to. and it will hurt. it may hurt more than anything hurt you've ever put yourself through. but trust you'll get to where you're going, even if it takes longer than you intended.

#writing advice #publishing #concession #process