#but yeah its just 3200 words about torture

[mittensmorgul]

So I've been having Thoughts and Feelings about Dean being the lead torturer for TFW. In 10x21 and also in 13x22 (and obviously in 4x16 and probably others I've missed). What do you think?

Hi there. I have had loads of thoughts and feelings about this, but probably not more than Dean himself has. S4 was agonizing as the true horror of what he experienced in Hell unfolded. We learned little by little what actually happened to him. First that he remembered it at all (in 4.06! IT TOOK UNTIL 4.06 for even US the audience to learn he remembered things about Hell), and Sam didn’t even know that Dean remembered any of it until Uriel told Sam to ask Dean what he remembered in 4.07.

I’m putting this under a cut, because this essentially turned into a retrospective of torture on Supernatural post 4.01, and heeeeck it’s kinda dark. It also got really, really long.

Sam begins pestering Dean for details in 4.08, and at the end of the episode Dean tells him he’s not going to lie anymore, but he’s not gonna talk about it, either. Because it was just THAT traumatizing for him. EIGHT EPISODES LATER.

It’s not until the final scenes of 4.10 that Dean breaks down and tearfully confesses some of his experience to Sam.

Dean: It wasn't four months, you know.Sam: What?Dean: It was four months up here, but down there... I don't know. Time's different. It was more like 40 years.Sam: My God.Dean: They, uh... They sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you... Until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly... I would be whole again... like magic... just so they could start in all over. And Alastair... at the end of every day... every one... he would come over. And he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack... if I put souls on... if I started the torturing. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For 30 years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy. I couldn't. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls. The -- the things that I did to them.Sam: Dean... Dean, look, you held out for 30 years. That's longer than anyone would have.Dean: How I feel... This... inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing.

And it’s not until the final scene of 4.11, aka that episode that they intentionally tried to craft as something so awful no network would ever air it again, like, deliberately scraping the bottom of the barrel to see how bad an episode they could get away with making, including all the shock value and zero redemptive quality, that we learn the absolute horror of Dean’s experience. Not only did he torture, but he liked it, and he can never forgive himself for that.

DEAN: You know, I felt for those sons of bitches back there. Lifelong torture turns you into something like that.SAM: You were in hell, Dean. Look, maybe you did what you did there, but you're not them. They were barely human.DEAN: Yeah, you're right. I wasn't like them. I was worse. They were animals, Sam, defending territory. Me? I did it for the sheer pleasure.SAM: What?DEAN: I enjoyed it, Sam. They took me off the rack, and I tortured souls, and I liked it. All those years, all that pain. Finally getting to deal some out yourself. I didn't care who they put in front of me. Because that pain I felt, it just slipped away. No matter how many people I save, I can't change that. I can't fill this hole. Not ever.

And it can’t possibly get worse than that. He’d essentially described what it feels like to become a demon, and it seems he was well along in the process when he was finally pulled from Hell and restored to his body with all the demon smoke scrubbed off his soul. Or else it wouldn’t trouble him to live with this memory of what he became there.

Note also that this is the turning point where Sam begins to buy into Ruby’s claims that Dean is “weak,” and too weak to really follow through with the hunt for Lilith. And Sam returns in the very next episode to start drinking Ruby’s blood and practicing his demon magic again. He believes that Dean “broke” permanently, and no longer trusts his ability. He begins to see Dean as “fragile.”

Which is why he goes running to Dean’s rescue in 4.16. Cas is no longer “in charge,” because he’d grown too sympathetic to the humans in his charge (literally Dean specifically, and Uriel was now running the show. And Uriel WANTED Dean “broken.” He wanted Dean damaged enough to be subservient to Heaven’s will.

Everything that happened in that episode (thanks, Edlund) is critical for understanding Dean and Cas. Cas begins to understand Dean on a truly human level:

DEAN: You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out.CASTIEL: For what it's worth, I would give anything not to have you do this.

But he does it anyway. Meanwhile Cas begins to learn that something is truly rotten in the state of Heaven, that their orders aren’t all coming for reliable sources and that some angels have defected to Lucifer’s side in this. Dean learns the horrific truth that his “failure” in Hell was more than a moral or personal failing, but was literally the first key in starting the apocalypse. But after going through this fresh hell together, he and Cas are finally on the same side in this... on the side of Humanity over the squabbles of Heaven and Hell.

Sidebar to note that in the very next episode, Zachariah had to step in with a false reality to motivate Dean into even wanting to continue the fight... even if Zachariah’s machinations tended to go sideways on him...  but this is still important to note for Dean’s next run-in with torture, because it was yet another run-in with Zachariah and a manipulative vision of a horrific future where Dean apparently DIDN’T comply with Heaven’s wishes where he discovered his future-self was casually engaging in torture again.

In 5.04, Dean is disgusted with his “future self” that he seemed to rely heavily on his skill as a torturer. He called it classy. And look how well all that turned out for him... >.>

Over the years, Dean’s had multiple other run-ins with torture-- either performing it himself or his observations about others engaging in it. I’m just gonna make a list here for reference purposes, because I think a pattern emerges:

6.03: Dean is HIGHLY judgmental of Castiel’s treatment of Aaron Birch, a CHILD who Cas “can’t care about” because he’s at war... Dean’s reaction is expected, but it’s also used to demonstrate Sam’s LACK of a reaction. We’re supposed to be suspicious of why Sam would just... stand there and watch this happen, and we’re supposed to be very concerned for Sam because he doesn’t become upset the way Dean does.

6.07: Dean is HIGHLY judgmental of Sam (especially now that he knows Sam has no soul) when he learns what Samuel is doing with the Alphas he captures-- that he’s torturing them for information, but Sam doesn’t know what information.

6.10: This one’s full of torture on all sides >.> Dean is tied up and threatened with torture by Meg, Meg is eventually captured and tortured, but Dean kills Christian-possessed-by-a-demon. Dean then turns around and traps Crowley, and threatens him with Meg torturing him... not Dean himself doing the torture, but he’s tired of being on Crowley’s payroll trying to earn back Sam’s soul, and he seems less fussy about torturing demons than people, but still not doing it himself.

6.19: we see, and Bobby sees, Cas torture one of the people Eve had turned into a Jefferson Starship, for information on Eve’s location. I highly doubt that Bobby actually shared that fact with Dean, because he seemed downright horrified enough. And the pain of 6.20 is gonna hit Dean like a ton of bricks, so I like to think he didn’t know about Cas’s casual torture here.

6.21: But as horrific as everything in 6.20 was, it drove Dean to this point of bleak despair, learning of Cas’s betrayal that goes back more than a year, with the final straw being Lisa and Ben’s kidnapping. Dean... breaks. He grimly picks up his torture implements and tries to find where Lisa and Ben are being held by trapping and torturing demons. He’s so distraught he nearly gets himself killed, but Cas arrives just in time to save him. Meanwhile Sam resorts to a different tactic-- summoning Balthazar and asking him for help. Cas finds out that Balthazar “betrayed” him to the Winchesters, and kills him. It’s... a terrible state of affairs all around.

7.06: With a captured Leviathan, it’s Bobby who sets about systematically-- well not torturing per se, but trying to figure out what might even hurt or kill a leviathan. It’s effectively the same as torture, though, and thank heck Dean isn’t the one carrying it out. Enter: the season of throwing cleaning products at bad things.

7.15: Dean is tied up and tortured again, this time by someone he’d tied up and tortured back during the apocalypse, someone who’d been possessed by a demon they needed information from, and yet someone who claimed to want to help and actually consented to the torture if it got the demon to talk... but it was all lies, and now the guy wanted “his demon” back.

Then there was Purgatory, where everything was “pure.” It was 24/7 WHERE’S THE ANGEL, and interrogating everything he could catch and killing everything else. It was about finding Cas and surviving everything else. And it’s fucking scary. When he gets back, he’s shaken by his experiences there, but he’s also finally got a different context to associate with his abilities as a torturer. Something “safer” to pin those associations on at any rate rather than pointless gleeful torture for torture’s sake.

8.02: We see Dean resort, via flashback to his torturing a monster in Purgatory, to a similar but slightly more restrained technique (slamming a witness against a wall, choking him, and holding a knife to his neck) to get information back in the real world. He doesn’t go through with physical harm, but heck... that was torture.

8.07: But then Cas miraculously comes back. Dean’s wary, but it’s not Dean doing the torturing in this episode. It’s Crowley, torturing Kevin. Well, Dean does threaten a demon that Linda captured into revealing Crowley’s location, and then kills the demon when they get the information. >.>

8.10: Again, it’s Crowley doing the torturing, of Samandriel. It also becomes clear that Cas is suffering the aftereffects of some similar form of torture inflicted on him by Naomi, and his actions bear this out when he’s ordered to kill amandriel. It seems that Dean is put off again by torture, concerned for Cas, but refuses to even listen to information Crowley’s minion tried to share before killing him outright (whoopsie... that could’ve saved some trouble in 8.17...)

8.15: Dean is tortured by a witch (and Sam is, too), and they’re forced to relive hell-related memories. Not fun...

8.17: Dean describes Cas’s interrogation technique as “zero dark thirty,” and is rather horrified. He’s beaten and nearly killed by Cas before he breaks through... Cas heals him, and he finally learns that Cas has been controlled by Naomi this entire time, but then Cas flees, now being controlled by the Angel Tablet itself, with his only mission to protect that tablet at all costs.

I think it’s fair to say that Dean, by this point, has some fairly complicated associations with torture.

8.21: Cas is tortured by Crowley, and the Angel Tablet is stolen from him, but he escapes. 

8.22: Basically one long, slow torture by Crowley, killing people they’ve saved until they agree to his demands to turn over the Demon Tablet.

9.02: Sam and Dean have to save other hunters from being tortured by Abaddon. They were a trap designed to capture the Winchesters, but Gadreel-in-Sam was not something they’d been expecting...

9.03: Yeah, April tortures Cas, but Sam and Dean also capture a “rogue reaper” and torture him for information on Cas’s location. Dean had no difficulty cutting into a reaper who had been dispatched to capture and torture Cas for info...

9.09: Cas is captured and tortured by an angel faction, but managed to steal another angel’s grace and save himself.

And then in 9.11, Dean takes on the Mark of Cain, and is affected by it for the next season and a half... wherein he wrestles with the “darkness” in him, and then whoopsie, finds out that a lot of that darkness in him was The Darkness and not him at all...

Which period covers one of your original episodes you’d asked about: 10.21.

This was Dean’s final descent into the darkness of the Mark of Cain. I mean, even back in 10.14, there was a lot of references to what he was asked to do back in 4.16, and the same sort of vibe, with the twist that Dean KNOWS he needs to do this, and that he’s literally the only person in the world who can. So instead of grim acceptance and resignation, he basically psychs himself up for killing Cain, puts a plan in place, and does what needs to be done.

In 10.14, it’s no longer, “if I go in there, you won’t like what comes out,” but “I need to go in there, regardless of what comes out.”

So even if this isn’t a torture situation, it’s a moment for Dean to confront that similar moment (and loads of others like it) from his past.

10.21 I take with several grains of salt, because first of all it’s a Bucklemming episode, and they’re infamous for a gratuitous use of torture, sexualized violence, and general skeeviness. But also, this is Dean succumbing to the Mark of Cain/The Darkness. He does the torturing because he’s pragmatic. He’s good at it, and he’s also already “tainted” by it in ways that Sam isn’t (or at least not to this degree... Sam had his own run with darkness at the beginning of s10 when he was torturing demons for information on Dean, not to mention his treatment of Rowena in the run up to the end of s10, which absolutely also counts as torture).

10.22: Dean gives into the darkness, and while it’s not presented as torture, he’s an asshole who torments the parents of a kidnapped girl, slaughters his way through the entire Styne family, and nearly kills Cas before walking out.

But then the MoC is gone, and Dean’s himself again for the first time in a year and a half.

Through s11, Dean is more often the witness to torture (Cas under the Attack Dog Spell, the various things the Darkness perpetuates such as the Zompires, and the werewolf victims in 11.17) or the victim of torture (by the naczer... nachez... the ghoulpires in 11.04, by the demon in 11.15) than the perpetrator.

The BMoL and Lucifer were behind most of the torturing in s12, forcing Dean to refresh his perspective on those morally grey areas.

I think another important episode you missed was 13.07, where they capture and confront Ketch, who’d been torturing and killing witches for information on Rowena’s whereabouts. Dean sees through Ketch’s lies from the start, and has no problem torturing Ketch. (again, this is Bucklemming, so have your serving of salt) But Dean knows who and what Ketch is, and that goes a long way, I think, to making it easier for him to dole out torture in this case.

13.14: Donatello has been corrupted by the demon tablet and attacks Sam. Dean attempts to interrogate him, but Donatello is too powerful and nearly suffocates him with magic. Cas falls on his sword, carrying out a horrific torture of stripping Donatello’s memories from him, leaving him brain dead, because Dean and Sam had not wanted to kill Donatello, despite that essentially being the only way to stop him. And it tortured Cas as much as it tortured Donatello, as we saw the results of that particular ability of Castiel’s demonstrated by the broken and tormented version of him in the alternate universe in 13.22.

And while it’s also Bucklemming, I will give credit to 13.22 for demonstrating the parallel between the AU!Castiel version of torture, and the cooperative version that Dean and Cas carried out together. AU!Castiel was reprogrammed to the point of breaking under the weight of the horrors he’d perpetrated, and his only purpose, which he seemed to take pleasure in, was this specific form of torture for information, stripping the memories from his victims until nothing was left.

We had this particular horror set up both with Donatello, but also a season earlier in 12.11 when Dean’s memories were disappearing one by one, until nothing would’ve been left of him. He’s got a very personal association with that particular form of torture.

And in full disclosure here, this is one of my personal biggest fears. I do not like amnesia as a trope, I do not like reading it, I avoid stuff based around loss of identity, because it’s triggering and nothankyou I do not need a psychotic break today. So... suffice it to say, the lack of my going into explicit detail here is a method of self-preservation, and I thank y’all for not posing more direct questions about it. I will not answer them.

But Dean and Cas working together, getting information from someone who’d betrayed all of humanity in giving information to the angels, and yet STILL only taking that ONE bit of information before stopping the torture... I mean they were trying not only to save Charlie and Ketch’s lives, but trying to rescue them before the angels tortured them into giving up everything about the human resistance, putting the rest of humanity in jeopardy.

This was about more than just a horrific act of torture, but about the stark contrast between both the method and the cooperation between Cas and Dean, the trust, and who they are as people compared to what they so easily could’ve become.

Dean so very easily could’ve become what Ketch was in 12.21, and Cas could so very easily have become what AU!Castiel became, BECAUSE of torture inflicted on them, and torture they’d doled out themselves, but that’s not who they are, and it doesn’t define them.

So yeah, I guess that’s the evolution of Dean as a torturer. 

#supernatural #torture #oh DEAN #castiel winchester #sam fucking winchester #sorry this got so long and ate up the rest of my night #and possibly every last brain cell I possessed >.> #i know it's a kind of grim read but there's an evolution going on here #but yeah its just 3200 words about torture #have fun with that >.> #Anonymous

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Convincing' : New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Convincing"

"I don't know what I will do when we will get Adler back and I ain't going to be too friendly."

Chapter Summary : After discovering that the whole mission against Naga was an trap organized by Stitch, Yirina and the team are going back to base after this long day.....

To read it on AO3, click here !

Words : +3200

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This mission was only an big trap widely destined for all of us. Stitch has used the perfect bait for that : saying that Adler was there before relocating to an safer location out of our sight and on top of that, he decided to use his old work before realizing that all of this Nova-6 threat in the region was fake, nothing in here was real, it was just an ambush but we somehow managed to get over it, trying to find intels about where could possibly Stitch has taken Adler...I can't believe all of this that happened and our mission was an failure....we lost precious people....for nothing....

Of course, me & Park directly go to see the others that was still there, saying that the Nova-6 threat was nothing and faked and for that, we had to check every blue barrels that we could find in the camp and for all of them, it was the same thing : nothing in them, not even some fake smoke....nothing. Everyone went pretty angry about seeing all of this as the man that they interrogated didn't tell too much before Wolf terminated him, knowing that we will have no more answers from him.

We took almost half an day to finish to secure the site to find anything else but like always, it was either nothing or something that was useless for us. After the night start to fall, we all decided to go back to base while others CIA agent will watch over the sector to make sure that Naga's remaining men doesn't try anything to take back the camp. During all the flight back, I didn't even pronounce an word and even Park didn't say something, both in our thoughts until the helicopter we used landed back to the base, Woods flying this thing.

"Okay, everyone out." Woods ordered after he landed the helicopter to the ground, turning his head to look at everyone.

"Sounds good for me." Wolf scoffed, still sounding angry as he got out of the helicopter while me, I was awaiting for everyone to get out before following them behind.

"I don't know how Hudson will take the news." Rivas expressed.

"Well, we'll see about that." Woods told her, taking his XM4 out of the chopper as I got out with Park at my side, still not opening our mouths at any seconds, walking with the group to meet with Hudson, awaiting for us as he was going out of the hangar

"How's the rest of the checkup happened ?" Hudson asked, the group arriving near him, smoking one of his cigarettes.

"It didn't went good to say." Woods started, his left hand behind his head to scratch it. "Not only Adler wasn't there but the Nova-6, it was faked."

"Faked ?" Hudson sighed, his eyes narrowed through his glasses.

"Yeah, the barrels, they were empty." Wolf continued at Woods's place to talk about it. "All of them, it was Grigoriev & Park who found out about it." He added, his eyes on both of us...slighty embarassed to be the center of it.

"And to add more, no survivors helped us to know more, we're in the dark." Rivas spoke up, crossing his arms towards Hudson.

"Damnit." Hudson breathed, his hands on his waist. "That's meaning that Naga is our only lead for the moment." He sighed again and I couldn't believe that Naga was the only person that could help us to actually find Adler....if only he will talk....

"The cleaning crew will check up if we missed anything but it's not certain that we will find anything else useful." Woods exclaimed, sounding an bit defeated in his words.

"Good." Hudson whispered, looking inside the hangar and I could see Song...sitting at Garrett's workplace....

"Is she..." I started, breaking the silence I put to myself before stopping myself.

"No, she's not fine if you want to know." Hudson replied harshly to me. "She came back with the few remaining members of Rivas recon team but she didn't speak an word since." He looked at her, with some sort of desesperation in his eyes. "Leave her be for now." He gestured, meaning that he wouldn't want anyone to actually speak to her.

"Where's Naga ?" Sims demanded.

"In the interrogation room in the back." Hudson pointed at the supposed room direction with his hands. "Guy was really beaten up...and his left hand got cut off, might need some time to know what we want." He added, mentioning what I did against Naga but I wasn't proud of it...because I didn't do it...I didn't pull the trigger.

"Everyone needs some rest, we will talk later about it, dismissed." Woods ordered, gesturing to the group to split up and everyone complied, going back inside the hangar but not me & Park who stayed outside in hidden sight.

"I don't think I can't talk to her, Park." I affirmed, thinking that Song is maybe dead angry against me before sitting down on the ground, my back against the hangar's wall.

"I don't know." She said in an broken voice, joining me at my side. "Garrett was like everything for Song and losing him...." She confirmed before stopping herself in her sentence, looking at her with tears in my eyes

"I know that you both counted on me to kill Naga, I know that you're not angry but Song...it's different." I admitted in an low voice, looking down at my feets. "Looking at her, sitting at his office, no, I can't do this."

"I don't want to force you, Yirina." Park stated, putting her arm behind my neck, sounding sad. "But even me, I can't talk with her about it." She continued.

"I can't do this but I'm sure I will have to do this at one moment." I told her as I was thinking to talk with Song but not tonight, I couldn't do it. "This..." I started, taking my ballistic knife off my jacket, the one given to me by Garrett. "He believed in me and me too but....here we are." I put the ballistic knife gently on the ground before looking in the horizon. "This fight is going to kill me before I can finish it."

"No, it will not kill you." Park protested in an normal voice, putting his left hand on my shoulder.

"I didn't tell you what happened after the crash...and before the attack on the camp." I told her, something I didn't really talk about for the day.

"Tell me." She whispered, looking at me worried.

"Adler...I've got an vision of him, thinking at first it was really him before realizing that it was just something to torture me." I started, joining my hands together, seeing them cleaned from all of the blood I had hours ago. "Then, I saw....Lazar." I snorted, passing my hand through my face to clean any tears falling in case. "And two memories." I added.

"Shit." Park breathed, an bit disturbed by what she just heard from me.

"An memory of me, having an discussion with Perseus himself in my old apartment and seeing that I wasn't well in those days and....the other, it was me getting beaten up by Adler." I continued to tell her what she wanted to know, looking at her with crying eyes. "Tell me, do you know why I wasn't talking ?" I asked her.

"No, I don't know why." She shook her head sadly to me. "Adler was always evasive about that and he even refused me access to some files the CIA made about you between the day you got captured and the day I joined his team." She added, making me curious about those files. "But you have to ask Sims for that." She suggested to me, biting her lips

"Do you know why he did this ?" I questioned but her response was an shaking from her head. "So, Sims is the only one who can tell...." I sighed.

"Don't worry, if you want, I can be there for you like I'm always saying." She proposed, making me grin but an very little.

"Yeah, like you always saying...thanks." I whispered, moving to make an little kiss on her cheek for one second. "Listen, I think you need to go get some rest." I suggested.

"And you ?" She demanded.

"I want to make an call and if possible, talk to Sims." I responded, slowly getting up and helping her too to get up. "Don't worry, I'll be fine." I affirmed, making an little kiss again on her forehead before I let her go back inside.

It took me actually 5 minutes to get myself back inside the hangar, getting my equipment back at its place on the desk me & Park used but keeping my M1911 with me and during all of that, I was trying to not make eyes contacts with Song, not wanting to provoke her or to talk to her right now. She was so sad and crying in silence that I wanted to keep my eyes away from her, not wanting myself to cry again, she was in pain...and I can understand that.

Once I was done of getting rid of my equipment, I walked slowly to get to the room where the secured lines were located to make the call I mentioned to Park. I wanted to talk with Zasha, keeping them updated about the situation and it would make me better to hear their voice after 2 days of not having an discussion betwenn us but with what happened, I couldn't be so sure about been better.

"Zasha Smirnov." I heard their voice through the phone only after one ringing from it. Guess that they were not very busy at the moment.

"It's...Yirina." I whispered in an low voice, trying to sound good.

"Oh hey, it's good to hear your voice to say." They affirmed in an pleased voice.

"Yeah, me too." I said but my voice was betraying my real state and I knew that I couldn't keep it to be honest. "Zed, things didn't go as planned."

"What ? What are you saying ?" They asked, hearing them getting redressed in their chair maybe.

"Today, we had an mission in the jungle to stop Naga, save that Adler & neutralize the Nova-6 threat." I started, sounding mostly bad to talk about it. "I...we lost Garrett."

"No." One simple word but I could hear the shock in their voice. "He...no, you can't say that." They told me, sounding sad too before realizing that I was saying the truth to them.

"He saved me by sacrificing himself, Zed." I said, snorting.

"Shit, I'm...I'm sorry." They apologized even if they weren't aware of it. "I...he was an good guy, Yirina." They affirmed, their voice almost cracking. "Uhm, you maybe want to talk about something else ?"

"Uhm...yeah." I breathed, not even sure of my words.

"Well, Portnova's new job is very nice to say." They started, trying to sound positive even with the news I brought them "She has some good students with her and her colleagues greeted her well." They added, making me grin to hear that.

"That's good to hear." I expressed. "And what about you, Zasha ?" I questioned them, wanting to know more about their job at the MI6.

"Like I told you 2 days earlier, it's fine." They admitted, taking an deep breath. "Is there something you want to say ?" They asked after some few seconds of silence between us.

"Yeah, I want to know something about me, only if you know." I exclaimed, redressing myself to look if anyone wasn't near the door like Hudson did 2 days. "Do you know why I was sick in the end of December 1980 ?"

"Why you were sick ?" They repeated an bit confused. "Wait, let me think." They added, hearing some scratching. "As I remember, you weren't willing to talk about this." They finally replied, making me breath in defeat. "Even with me & Portnova, you never said why you were like that."

"Not even an idea ?" I suggested.

"Not even an idea." They repeated again my words.

"Shit, I would have like to know." I expressed an bit deceived to not learn anything new about this particular situation. "It's okay if you don't know, I will surely find it one day." I affirmed, scratching the back of my head, seeing no one entering the room. "There got to be an reason for that." I thought to myself in an silent voice.

"I can't help you with that but is there anything else I can maybe help ?" They demanded, curious.

"No, we had nothing to help us : the mission was an trap for us, the Nova-6 threat was faked and Adler was already taken away." I replied, almost angry and urging to punch an wall but that wasn't going to help me. "Naga is now our only lead."

"Damnit, Naga isn't the type of guy that will talk easily, it will take time for that." They said as they know him well, thinking about the memory where me & Zasha met him.

"I know but we'll find an way, I hope." I chuckled, raising my shoulders. "Listen, I have to make some things and take an big rest, I had an long day."

"Yeah, what you said....shit, it's very hard to hear about, I'm sorry again, Yirina." They apologized again, sounding bad again. "You call me back when you have something or maybe if you want to talk about things." They added.

"Don't worry, I'll call you." I grinned a little about it. "Say hello to Portnova for me & Park."

"Like always, say my hello to Park too." They told me in an half-pleasant voice. "Bye."

"Bye." I whispered before I hang up the phone, leaving me alone in that room and to say, that call didn't really make me feel better at all.

With that call ended, I wasn't sure if I was really going to leave that room, fearing to dump on Song but I got some courage in me and I left the room, wanting now to have an talk with Sims if it was possible, it was better for me to talk to him now instead of waiting too long for that, it was an perfect occasion. Luckily, he was one of the few remaining persons inside the big hangar, the others has already left to get to the dorm.

"Sims !" I called him out as he was sit at his desk alone, checking up an old picture of him & Adler as I could see it, arriving at his desk.

"Yes ?" He slowly turned his head around to look at me, curious.

"Can we have an word ?" I demanded and he nodded.

"Is this about earlier this day ?" He asked me, referring to that moment before I got to Naga or that moment when he asked to lower my gun & spare Naga's life...couldn't tell... "You know, I would have shot the bastard too but if he can help us by having Adler back..."

"Naga is an warlord, Sims." I exclaimed, crossing my arms as I leaned against his office. "It's going to take days to get him talk and even, if he's going to talk." I added, sure that Naga will not crack easily.

"I know." He breathed, looking back at the old picture he had in hands : him & Adler at the 'old times'.

"About Adler, I want to know some things." I started, finally getting into the subject with him. "There's things that it's disturbing me."

"I guess so." Sims whispered, putting down the picture on his desk. "What kind of things ?" He demanded.

"Well, do you know why I wasn't talking at all 3 years ago ?" I directly asked.

"Uhm...you want to talk about this ?" He said, looking an bit disturbed as there were some few peoples around us. "We should get outside for that." He proposed, getting up from his chair as I follow him outside, it was true that the subject was not something to be an common topic to talk about. "Yirina, I...."

"Just tell me why !" I cut him gently in his words, seeing his hesitation.

"I'm sorry but I don't know." He told me, making me roll my eyes.

"You...you don't know ?" I raised an eyebrow to him, not believing him at first. "You were with Adler and as I heard from Park, the CIA has made some files about me between the day I was captured and the day that Park arrived in Adler's team, files that she wasn't allowed to access." I continued, clear in my voice.

"And me too." He affirmed, making my eyes go wide.

"What ?" I breathed, sounding an bit shocked.

"The files you're talking about, they were all made by Adler and only him could have access them, not even me." He admitted, pointing at himself and looking away in the horizon. "Unfortunately, after Solovetsky, Adler told me he destroyed every files about you except the ones Park saved at the old safehouse."

"So, there's no way for me to know why I wasn't talking ?" He sadly shook his head to my question.

"You could still ask him, you know." He suggested but as we all know, it's hard these times. "I don't know what he did to you to be honest." He added to his statement, taking an deep breath.

"And also....how the CIA wasn't able to find out that Adler lied to them about having me in an coma ?" I questioned Sims about this, awaiting for an answer.

"Adler is the guy whose words are meaning an lot, so when he told the bosses that you were dead, everyone believed him." He replied, sounding an bit disturbed to tell this at my face. "Adler is convincing, to say."

"Yeah, pretty convincing !" I repeated those particulars words, meaning an lot from me. "Like he pretended to make me feel secure & safe by working with him, right ?" I expressed, remembering his words, trying to convince of his 'goods' intentions towards me. "Sims, were you aware of my state ?"

"No." He shook his head, closing his eyes. "Like everyone else, I thought someone else killed you but not him."

"You know the man for almost 15 years, Sims." I stated, looking at the picture he took with him in his hands. "Do you ever think that he lied to you at one moment ?" I asked him honestly, almost knowing the response in advance but I wanted to know what Sims was thinking of it.

"Maybe, doc' is always hiding something from everyone, Yirina." He answered, passing his hand through his head before looking at me with good eyes. "I never asked but how's memories ?" He demanded, curious.

"Fine, they're recovering but I still need answers." I responded, a bit embarassed to talk about it to him. "It could be memories from my time in the safehouse 3 years ago or memories of my past life ?"

"You don't remember some moments inside the safehouse ?" Sims was sounding confused to hear me saying that as I nodded. "Shit."

"Must be the bullet Adler shot me that did provoke that." I pointed at my scar on the side of my head rapidly. "I don't know what I will do when we will get Adler back and I ain't going to be too friendly." I said to Sims to be honest before deciding to slowly walk away from Sims, wanting to get some rest. "Thank you for talking with Sims."

"You know that I'm willing to help too in case, Yirina." He affirmed to me before removing himself from the wal he was leaned against. "Remember that you're not alone, we're here to help." He added, causing me to stop in my walk to look at him with an little smile.....

"I know, Park is always there for me but also you're an friend to me, Sims..."

#cod bocw #cod cold war #cod black ops cold war #cod cw #call of duty cold war #cod #call of duty #cod bell #black ops cold war #yirina grigoriev #helen park #fem!bell

[allofmystudentsrunaway]

Choices: Chapter Eight

the rewrite continues

Summary; On the way home from sioux falls Cas stops in a bar and meets a curiously familiar stranger, someone who will turn his life and his understanding of the world upside down. But Cas loves Dean, Can an angel love two people? must he choose? or will events take the choice from him?

Bi!dean, BI!cas, torture,pining, angst, some fluff, pissed off bitch face sam, canon divergent, Bi!female bamf oc. fluff and angst and torture this chapter

*note this is not a reader insert.

word count #3200(ish)

Chapter one here

Chapter two here

chapter three here

Chapter four here

chapter five here

chapter six here

chapter seven here

tagging @quailpower @thanatosx49 @nobodys-baby-now@notalentdouchebag@randomizationsposts@authoressskr@winsister91@internationalmusicteacher@nealcassatiel@fuckjack@dmsilvisart@omgbubblesomg @super-sootica @cool-fallen-angel @sactownbrowns3

The front door was ajar, Chris strode in angrily. She found Dean and Sam in her kitchen, sat at the table, drinking her coffee. At least Sam was drinking coffee, Dean had helped himself to a beer and was sat with his feet on the table.

“You broke into my house!” she shouted at Dean.

“Well nobody answered the door” He replied smiling insouciantly.

“In my defence I told him not to.” Sam interjected holding his hands up.

“Shut up Sam” Chris and Dean said simultaneously. Sam decided it was better to look at his boots.

“Where is Castiel, what have you done with him you bitch?” Dean demanded getting to his feet.

“I’m here Dean” Cas walked in the kitchen, carrying two brown paper bags. “I was getting the groceries from the car.” he added by way of explanation.

“You two have been grocery shopping, while I’ve been sat here thinking god knows what had happened to you, you two have been playing HOUSE?!”

“Well we did visit a witch, but its ok she is Christine’s aunt.”

“You’ve been meeting her family.” Dean shook his head.

Cas grinned “Fyi she is not a fan.”

“Ok, I can’t do this. Sam.”

“Chris I’m sorry we broke in, but I’ve been calling both of you all day. Tell me you would not have been a little concerned.” Sam looked at Chris, with his best kicked puppy expression.

“I turned my cell off” She admitted.

“As did I” Cas, embraced Chris from behind and kissed her cheek. “I’m sorry if you were concerned.”Dean just looked at them in disbelief.

“Is that my leather jacket?”

“So are you two staying the night?”Chris asked, “Or are you planning on dragging Cas home this very moment.”

“We will get a motel.” Dean snorted. Picking up his jacket. Cas looked upset.

“Look there’s not a decent motel until you get back to the city, I have two spare rooms. Please stay.” Chris tried to sound conciliatory, aware that Cas was smiling at Dean hopefully.

“Well I don’t fancy the drive back tonight, I’ll gladly stay.” Sam looked at his brother, “Come on Dean, you can’t really want to drive anywhere else tonight.” Dean looked round at all three of them, and gave up.

“Ok fine, just hope there is enough beer for me to cope with this.”

“Excellent!” Cas began unpacking the groceries, “I’ll cook.” The three humans looked at him shocked.

“Hang on, you cook now?” Dean asked dubiously, voicing what they were all thinking. Cas shrugged at them.

“How hard can it be.”

It was maybe ten minutes into the awkward silence that threatened to go on all night, that Sam decided enough was enough.“So your aunt is a witch?”

“Yeah, though she’s not really my aunty more like my sixteenth times great grandmother, she is the reason my Dad decided to settle here in Louisiana.”

“Wow, that’s kind of cool. isn’t it Dean?” Dean glowered at Sam, behind them Cas was happily chopping vegetables.

“She’s still a witch, I hate witches.”

“She protected my Dad from the BMOL, helped us hide.”

“Do you know what your Dad did that they didn’t like” Sam asked gently.

“No, I just know they wanted us dead. He’d never talk about it, even when he was dying.”

“I’m sorry.” Sam squeezed her hand. Uncomfortable Dean had got up and was prowling the contents of the kitchen shelves.

“Hey who is this?”he asked appreciably holding up a framed photo.

“That is my little sister could you put it back please.” Chris told him coldly.

“I’m sorry, I was just asking.” He still hadn’t put the picture down, Chris crossed the room and snatched it from his fingers, placing it very gently on the shelf, Sam watched his brother with mounting anger. “and who are these cheeky imps” Dean asked picking up another gilt edged frame. Chris took that from him as well, her face unreadable.

“These are my nephews” she touched the picture with a trembling finger, “This is Marcus and the baby was Luke.” Sam realised Cas had stopped chopping and was staring at Dean furiously. The sarcastic smile vanished from Dean’s face.

“What happened?”

“Demon, not quite a year ago. Sarah tried to get out of the life and she did for a while.”

“I am so sorry, I didn’t know. I’m an asshole, ask anyone, Cas will tell you. I thought maybe they were a friends kids.” Sam couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Dean try and back pedal so fast. Gently he took the picture and placed it back on the shelf. “I’m sorry” his brother repeated, then caught Chris in a bear hug, she returned it gingerly, after about thirty seconds Cas coughed.

“Dean, let go of my girlfriend.” Dean relinquished his hold and gave Chris his best ‘naughty boy’ smile. Chris laughed, Dean swaggered across the kitchen to where Cas was now frying onions with scientific concentration.

“I got to tell you brother, she smells so good”

“I know like warm honey.” Cas agreed smiling.

“Amen to that brother, and so very hot.”

“You have no idea” Cas told him with a wink and tossed a load of mushrooms into the pan. Dean made a sound half way between a groan and a laugh.

“You are going to tell me everything, Cas.”

“Dean help me choose some tunes?” Chris called to him.

“And she gets better, I’m sorry I doubted you Cas.” he said and clapped him on the shoulder.

“That was pretty damn good.” Dean wiped the last of the sauce off his plate with a crust of bread and chewed it slowly. Cas looked down at his own plate, a half embarrassed, half proud smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Dean dropped his gaze as a familiar feeling washed over him. It was followed by a spike of intense anger when Chris, collecting the plates paused behind Cas and kissed him on the top of his head. She slid her fingers into his shirt for a moment, caressing Cas’ collar bone. She happened to look at Dean, he saw her skin pale, her expression briefly contorted with a spasm of something akin to pain. In response Dean felt his face flush and he forced himself to smile. Chris smiled back and carried the dishes away, but her movements were stiff and the dishes banged loudly against the kitchen counter as she put them down. Dean joined her by the sink as Sam asked Cas about some arcane piece of lore he was reading about on his tablet.

“Chris, I’m sorry about the way I’ve behaved.” he said quietly as he rinsed plates

“I know you are Dean.”

“We are both on the same side here after all. Are we good?”

“Well we both want the same thing, don’t we?.” Her eyes flicked towards the other end of the room. Dean bit his lip and said nothing, Chris took the final plate from him and dried it. “I’m going to lose him, I can feel it. The only question is how.” Dean really saw her then, perhaps the way Cas saw her. A glass with a crack in it, and he did not want to be the one to break her. He took a breath.

“I know, I feel the same way.” Dean admitted, his voice unsteady. He clasped her hand, she squeezed it back and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Should we hug too?”Sam said loudly.

“Dean, my girlfriend remember?” Dean let her go and grinned at Cas.

“Just bonding Cas.”He shared another haunted glance with Chris, and plastered a silly smile on his face. “you want me though, I can tell.”he raised an eyebrow a clear message to ‘play along’.

“Baby, I’d break you.”

“Promises, promises”

“You know this is making me uncomfortable.” Cas said in a slightly hurt tone of voice.

“Well its making me feel like I need a cold shower.”Sam laughed.

“Just banter boys, ain’t that right Chris?”

“Like I said I’d break you” Chris yawned. “I’m going to bed.” She announced, and walked out of the kitchen, stopping only to stoop down and kiss Cas fiercely. “Are you coming blue eyes?”

“Woah” Sam muttered and shook his head. Cas looked at his friends.

“I’m sorry, but I have to go to bed now.” he told them and shot out of his chair. Dean watched him go nonplussed.  

“Sam, tell me there’s more beer.” At that moment Cas reappeared his shirt was undone, his hair tousled.

“Just an FYI, you may want to turn the music up for the next hour or so” He raised his eyebrows at them and vanished again.

“Tell me he did not just say that..” Dean covered his face.

“Well, he seems happy, you still got a bad feeling about this?” Sam leaned over and turned Chris’ ipod up as the sound of Cas being very happy indeed filtered through the walls. Dean rolled his eyes.

“You know what Sam? I like Chris she seems sweet and I do think she cares about our little tree topper.”

“But?” Sam prompted.

“What kind of life can he offer her really?”Dean squeezed his hands together, and sighed. “Its not like they can live happily ever after, no kids, no growing old together. We’ve seen how this story ends, remember Kelly Kline?”Dean looked at his brother. “And yes, I still have a bad feeling.”

Cas missed sleep, odd how the thing he had found hardest to deal with when he was human, was the one thing he missed the most. At the bunker he used to listen in on Sam and Dean’s dreams, sooth away their nightmares. At least he had until Dean had mentioned how often Cas was a bit player in his night time imaginings, especially that one reoccurring dream neither of them would ever discuss. So he had withdrawn and spent the night hours distracting himself from loneliness by any means necessary. But now with Chris curled in his arms, he wished for sleep, he hungered for it. Just to rest with perfect trust in the arms of his beloved, not his only beloved he had to admit that, but the one who could accept what he had to give without injury. It was no good, he slipped out of bed, pulled on pants and padded silently down the hall.

He paused next to the guest rooms. Sam was curled on his side cuddled into his blanket, pillow scrunched up under his head. Cas smiled it was easy to see the child Sam had been, he seemed to go back to childhood in sleep. He closed the door, the second guest room was directly opposite the first, the door was open and Dean was sat up staring at him.

“Hey, what are you doing Cas?”

“Nothing, did I wake you?”

“No I’ll be honest I’ve not been to sleep yet.”

“Chris is asleep, I was going to sit on the porch. I do that sometimes.” He explained.

“Well, I’ll sit with you, I’m not tired.” He threw off his covers and reached for his jeans. Cas turned away so Dean wouldn’t see the blush that he felt blossoming on his face.

“I’ll see you downstairs.” Cas told him.

Cas sat on the swing seat and stared up at the sky. The far horizon was lit by the distant glow of New Orleans but above him a multitude of stars glittered in the heavens. Dean grunted as he sat down next to Cas.

“Here” he held out a tumbler of whiskey.

“That won’t do much for me.”

“Maybe, but I don’t want to drink alone” Dean had his own glass and the bottle, which he propped up on the step.

“Dean, there is something I need to tell you.”

“About what Cas?”Dean was still avoiding his eyes, he sipped his whiskey nonchalently.

“It’s about Chris.” Cas heard him sigh.

“Cas, I’m really not someone who should be giving out dating tips,“he tossed the whisky back and poured himself another large one. “true love and all that disney bullshit are not my area.”

“It’s not that”

“What’s wrong Cas.” Cas looked at Dean and shook his head.

“Dean, she- Asmodeus is after her, he wants her for some nefarious purpose” Cas watched as Dean absorbed that information, his friend paused mid-sip and slowly put his glass down. When he finally turned to look at Cas his expression was furious.

“Asmodeus, the prince of hell is after your girlfriend and you are only telling me now.”

“I’m sorry Dean, I should’ve told you earlier”

“Damn straight you should of” Dean scratched at his hair tiredly. “Do you know why?”

“No, only he has a grudge.”

“Right, well that’s great, just great Cas.” Dean paused and for once looked Cas in the straight in the eye.

“okay well, then I say come home, bring Chris. The bunker will be safer, Cas we are better together. You, me , Sam.”

“Thank-you, Dean.” Cas was surprised he had expected a fight, recriminations, but deans anger had vanished as quickly as it came.“I really do love her you know.”

“Well, you do seem to be having really hot sex, a lot.” This was Dean lightening the mood Cas knew, he went along with it.

“yes we are.”

“You lucky bas-did you hear that?” a door swung shut somewhere, they both froze listening. “The house is warded?”

“Yes Heavily” another sound but from inside this time followed by a shout of alarm.

“That was Sam, come on”

They slipped quietly through the front door and up the stairs and found Sam standing over a body, he had the demon knife in one hand. “Sam what happened?” Dean demanded.

“I don’t know I woke up and this dude was in my room.”

“Where is Chris?”Cas’ blood ran cold.

“I’m sorry I don’t know Cas”

He ran down the hall, to the main bedroom. Dean and Sam a step behind him, he burst through the door. On the bed a demon in a white suit was holding Chris by her throat, she was struggling to breathe.

“Not one move further gentlemen or I’ll crush this pretty things throat.”

“Put her down Asmodeus” Cas growled, his eyes flashed blue.

“My, my what do we have here? Castiel, You been partaking of the garden son?”

“I said put her down.”

“Now why would I do that, when I came here to fetch her?” Chris went suddenly limp and the demon tossed her over his shoulder. Cas howled with rage and rushed forwards, only to find himself held fast. Asmodeus winked “I have to thank you boys, I’ve been looking for this child a very long time, thank you so much for your assistance.” Then he was gone, and so was Chris, nothing remained but the lingering scent of sulphur. What ever spell was restraining them vanished and Cas stumbled forward.

“What the hell just happened?” Sam asked.

“Cas I thought you said the house was warded?”

“It is, or it was.” he looked round the room in shock, “I don’t understand.”

“No me neither Cas.”Dean took his friend by the shoulders, “Just breath, buddy.”

“He was after Chris. Why?” Sam wondered. “And why didn’t he gank us?”

“He was in a rush.”Dean pointed out. Cas was barely listening to the conversation, his mind was a maelstrom of recriminations and dread.

“Dean, I have to find her.”

“No buddy, we will find her, Together. I know you feel like running off and doing some thing stupid, but I need you to focus right now.”

“This is my fault!”

“Cas it’s going to be alright we can fix this. I promise you, Sam and me, we will help you. Right now lets go downstairs, fix the warding and think.” Dean gripped him by the shoulder and steered him out of the room. “Sam take a look around, and check the dead guys pockets, I’ll take care of Cas.”

“Yeah, of course”

It a while before Sam rejoined his brother in the kitchen. Cas was sat the table, staring into nothing. Dean beckoned him over to the other end of the room. “Hows he doing? Sam asked, looking at Cas’ dejected form.

“How do you think?” Sam heard the suppressed anger in his brothers voice, Dean taking all the guilt on his shoulders-again.

“Dean, are you alright.”

“No Sammie, I am pretty far from alright. Why the hell couldn’t she have been a witch or a siren or some other non-complicated problem. Instead of-”

“Instead of what? Dean.”

“Instead of someone I liked, instead of the first girl that our best friend fell in love with.”

“Dean-”

“If I ever see Chuck again, I’m going to punch him in the face, probably more than once.”

“I get that, Dean. But we need to put this aside and do the job in front of us, just like always.”Dean gave Sam a hard stare.

“You know I can hear everything you two are saying.” Cas snorted. Sam sat down next to him.

“I checked the house, every devils trap has been struck through, I’ve fixed the ones I could.”

“The warding is the same.” Cas held up a hand, briefly occult characters glowed on the wall, then faded. “Its distorted, like its been blown apart.”

“So had to be done by a non-demon, the devils traps at least, maybe Asmodeus has a witch on the payroll.” Sam suggested.

“Maybe, I just don’t get why he took her, if he has a grudge why not just kill her?” Dean looked at Cas sympathetically, “I’m sorry man.”

“Because he knows I care about her, that is reason enough for him” Cas sounded so bitter to Sam’s ears, clearly the angel and his brother were in a competition to see who could drown in self pity first.

“Yeah that guy is enough of a douchebag to pull that one.”

“No” Sam interrupted unable to stand the combined pity-fest any more. “This wasn’t about us, guys, this was about her.” Cas and Dean looked at him dubiously, “Look Asmodeus said he had been looking for her for years, specifically her.”

“She’s just a human hunter.” Cas said softly.

“But she’s not is she?. She has that freaky psychic thing.  She told me about it dinner. Maybe that’s why he was after her?”Sam watched his brother and the angel digest that information, he sometimes wondered if they were a little slow, or if they were so wrapped up in their own internal dramas that anything outside barely touched them. “So what does Asmodeus need a psychic for?”, the horrified look in Cas’ eyes froze Sam in to silence.

“I can think of about a thousand things and all of them are disturbing” Cas said slowly.

“Come on guys, we need ideas. Sitting here apportioning blame is not helping Chris. How are we going to find her?”Sam tried very hard to hide his frustration.

“He will have her some where warded, so a tracking spell is pointless” Dean pointed out.

“Maybe not, Cas you said to pull Chris out of her dream world, you had to use possession right?”

“Yes, but I don’t see how that helps.”

“So she is carrying around some of your grace?”  

“It would be miniscule, I wasn’t inside her for long”

“well you made up for that.” Dean said with a grin, Sam’s mouth dropped open.

“Dude this is hardly the time.”

“Sorry Sammie just trying to lighten the moment.”

“That tracking spell didn’t work when we tried it on Gadreel.”

“I know but I was thinking, maybe it just needed more power?”

“I think I know who we can ask” Cas said grimly, “though there is a chance she will try to kill me”

#destiel #destiel fanfic #spn #canon divergent rp