#but you SHOULD pass things and life principles and likes and dislikes onto your child

[barnbridges]

my most education major take is that people don't want you to parent your children anymore. people don't want mothers (and fathers) to give any sort of life-advice or care to their children. people have become so therapy-obsessed and the whole "intergenerational trauma" craze has made it so that you should actually pass nothing onto your child. you should just take your child to therapy and feed them baby formula until they're 18 and at that point, they're on their own. it's cruel and inhumane and the way people want to de-involve society at large in the raising of children, down to that they shouldn't even be parented anymore.

#again im childfree maybe im way offbeat but i think way too many of the expectations that are placed on parents esp mothers #come from people who never have or want children #im not trying to say pass all your shit to your kids like you're in hereditary #but you SHOULD pass things and life principles and likes and dislikes onto your child #i think people nowadays are obsessed with emotionally well children and don't think that sometimes #you have to lack things as a child to develop into an adult that has will and capacity to survive #idk #you can say this is cruel and anti-therapy or whatever the fyck you want #but grandparents and schools and aunts and uncles used to be so involved in raising children. #there USED to be a village for every child #it was NORMAL for your child's teacher to discipline them and teach them not school but life principles #nowadays apparently nobody but a fucking phone and a therapist can raise children #which i think is contributing to the way mothers are treated in our society #if we don't acknowledge it's fucking hard to raise children and that you SHOULD be individual in it and focus not just on needs #and random pop psychology but also on what the human in front of you is growing into #i think it's bullshit and it in the long run would not be good for our world

[emospritelet]

Twisted Fate - chapter 9

The good news is, things start to get better after this chapter. Slowly.

Please send me a prompt from this list or this list to fuel the angst and smut

[Ch 1] [Ch 2] [Ch 3] [Ch 4] [Ch 5] [Ch 6] [Ch 7] [Ch 8] [AO3]

He felt awkward, standing in the kitchen of the apartment that was not quite hers and no longer his, watching as she made the tea. She had clearly been studying; a pile of books with paper, pens and a closed laptop sat on the kitchen table, along with four dirty mugs and a plate with a few chocolate chip cookies on it. Belle stepped past him, shoving the books to one side and collecting the mugs to take to the sink. It felt as though he was in her way no matter where he stood, and so he went to the table, watching as she carried the teapot over and set it on the iron trivet before returning for cups, spoons and milk. Gold took a seat, feeling wary, and she sat opposite, resting her elbows on the table and threading her fingers together.

“So,” she said. “Let’s talk. What is it that you want?”

“I want full involvement in this child’s life, of course,” he said evenly.

“Yes, but what does that mean?”

Gold sat back, still gripping the handle of his cane.

“Well, from a practical standpoint, it means that this apartment will be yours,” he said. “Yours and our child’s. I’ll transfer it into your name. It’ll mean you have a place to live, a place that’s close to the university. It’ll give you some stability while you’re studying.”

She blinked, then shook her head, as though she was unsure that she had heard him correctly.

“You - you want to give me this apartment?”

“Why not?”

Belle leaned forward, fixing him with a beady eye.

“Because it must have cost you a fortune,” she said, in a flat tone. “And I know you don’t like to lose a profit on anything. It’s kind of making me suspicious as to what price you’ll want me to pay.”

He glanced away, irritated.

“If you could rein in your hostility for the next fifteen minutes or so I’d be eternally grateful,” he said dryly. “When it comes to my child I assure you money is the least of my concerns. I simply want what’s best for its welfare. That means that you need to be settled, safe and comfortable, alright?”

“Okay,” she said warily.

“Which means I want to give you this apartment,” he continued. “Are you going to refuse me?”

Belle hesitated.

“No,” she said. “No, it would be - it would be nice not to have to worry about stuff breaking or the elevator not working. It would be nice to - to be settled.”

She was chewing her lip, and she met his eyes, nodding briefly.

“I’ll take it,” she said. “I’m - I’m grateful. Really. It’s very generous.”

He nodded, and there was a moment of silence. Belle fidgeted, looking awkward, but seemingly unable to break it.

“The rest of my stuff turned up, by the way,” she said eventually. “Your - uh - people brought everything over.”

“Good. Were there any problems?”

She shook her head.

“I didn’t give notice, though,” she said. “To the landlord, I mean. I guess I should.”

“When did you last see them?” asked Gold, and she shrugged.

“I don’t know. Few months ago? He turned up at my door after I hung onto the rent because the elevator wasn’t working. He had it fixed and then it broke again. Twice. But I guess since I’d already paid the rent, he wasn’t all that interested in fixing it.”

He felt his mouth thin.

“Yes, well, I can’t say I’m surprised.” he remarked. “It certainly wasn’t the sort of place that screamed responsible landlord to me.”

She almost smiled at that, and looked away, out of the window. He watched the light shine on her hair, and the pale curves of her cheeks.

“I don’t know what your plans are for when you finish your studies,” he said, trying to keep his mind on the task at hand. “Any thoughts in that regard?”

“I’ll look for a librarian post,” she said, glancing back at him. “I’ll obviously need to take time out of my studies when the baby’s born, so it won’t be for another year at least.”

“Will you stay in Boston?”

“I may not be able to,” she admitted. “Will that be a problem?”

“If you choose to sell the apartment and move elsewhere, that’ll be your decision, of course,” he said. “I’d only ask that you consider my need to see my child when deciding on the destination. I’d like us to discuss it beforehand and reach an agreement. That doesn’t mean I’m averse to moving myself, if necessary, but I’d like you to be reasonable about things.”

“I - yeah, okay,” she said. “I’m not gonna move to England, or anything.”

“Alright,” he said. “I’d also agree to pay you a sum of money each month to ensure that you and the baby have everything you need. Starting now.”

Belle glanced away, biting her lip again.

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.”

“It’s only child support,” he reasoned. “It’s what you’re entitled to. If we went to court it’s what would be awarded.”

She shrugged faintly, glancing back at him.

“It would mean you can stop dragging yourself across town to work at that diner,” he added. “You shouldn’t be on your feet all day when you’re seven months pregnant anyway. It can’t be good for you or the baby.”

“I didn’t exactly have a lot of choice,” she said shortly.

“And now you do.”

More silence. She was almost visibly struggling with the idea, he could see that, but he kept silent, hoping her common sense would win out over her dislike of him. Eventually she nodded again.

“Okay,” she said reluctantly.

“I’ve already made preliminary arrangements for a trust fund for the child,” he added. “Wherever they want to study, wherever they might want to buy a house, the money will be there. I promise.”

“That’s - that’s a load off my mind,” she admitted. “I know how hard it is to try to fund your studies alone. Thank you.”

“It’s what I’d do for any child of mine,” he said simply. “No thanks are required.”

“I didn’t realise you liked children so much.”

“I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that there’s a lot you don’t know about me,” he said, in a dry tone.

She looked up sharply, and he wanted to kick himself.

“Well, that’s beside the point,” he said. “Will you accept the financial settlement I’m proposing?”

Belle ducked her head, squeezing her fingers together. He wondered what she was thinking.

“It’s a lot,” she said finally.

“Are you going to refuse it?”

“No,” she said, after a pause. “I mean, I’d be a fool to, right?”

“I think we both know you’re no fool.”

She let out a hollow chuckle at that, not looking at him, but eventually she nodded.

“Okay,” she said. “Thank you.”

“So,” he said. “That brings us on to visitation.”

Belle raised her head, looking cautious.

“Well, I guess you can take the baby every other weekend,” she said.

“No,” he said coldly, and her eyes narrowed.

“What do you mean, no?”

“You want me to agree to see my child twice a month?” he said, his voice thin. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“That’s the standard arrangement, right?”

“The fact that other men display so little interest in their children is of no concern to me,” he said, and Belle sighed, running a hand through her hair.

“Fine,” she said tiredly. “What do you want?”

“I want equal rights, of course,” he said. “I want an equal say in the raising of this child. I want equal access to it.”

“That’s gonna be pretty difficult since I’m living here and you’re in Storybrooke.”

“If you think I won’t turn my own life upside down if I think it’s the best thing for my child, you underestimate me.”

“Clearly,” she said dryly. “Up until last week I had no indication that you’d even care, but then why would I?”

Gold felt his jaw tighten.

“Why indeed?” he said, his tone icy. “It’s not like you bothered to tell me I was to be a father, after all.”

Belle sat back, brows drawing down.

“I’ve already apologised for that,” she said stiffly. “For what it’s worth—”

“It’s worth fuck all,” he interrupted. “But I suppose it could have been worse. At least you did tell me.”

Belle shifted in her seat, looking uncomfortable, and he wanted to snarl. So. Almost didn’t, hmm?

“Well,” he said softly. “We are where we are. It gives us less time to get things organised, but there again I’ll need to spend less time in your presence, which is no doubt a relief.”

“For me or for you?”

Gold closed his eyes, inhaling deeply before glancing at her again. He could feel his patience draining away, and he tried to cling to it, to haul it back.

“Are you going to agree to allow me access, or not?”

“How would that even work?” she asked wearily. “Are we gonna be some sort of - some sort of childcare tag team? Isn’t that going to be unsettling for the baby, if it’s being passed between us all the time?”

“How is that different from parents who work alternate shifts?” he asked, and she shrugged.

“Not like we’re in the same house, is it?”

“Well, we can work out the details later,” he said, his voice cold. “I’m sure that drawing up a child care schedule is not beyond the wit of man. I just need to know that you have no objection in principle, so we know the basis on which to proceed to something more concrete.”

Belle pushed back from the table, folding her arms across her chest and looking put out.

“Fine,” she said. “I have no objection in principle, okay?”

“Good.” His fingers drummed on the cane handle. “We can draw up a rota nearer the time.”

“Can’t wait.”

He felt his teeth clench, and reached out to pour the tea to give himself something else to concentrate on.

“Do you know the sex of the baby?” he asked, pushing a cup towards her, Belle shook her head.

“It had its legs closed on the last scan,” she said. “It’s okay, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know. What about you?”

“I’m happy to wait until it’s born,” he said.

Belle added milk to her tea, stirring it before taking a sip. Her eyes were clear and very blue. He wondered if the child would share them, or if it would take his. Brown eyes usually won out, didn’t they? He’d read that somewhere. It seemed a shame; Belle had beautiful eyes.

“Is there - is there something you’d prefer?” she said, her tone cautious. “Boy or girl?”

“No,” he said honestly. “I don’t mind. You?”

Belle shook her head. There was silence as they drank their tea, but he felt something in his chest loosen a little.

“Any thoughts on names?” he asked. She hesitated, but shook her head.

“I’ve been thinking about it, but I kind of want to wait until it’s born,” she said. “Is there - uh - anything you had in mind?”

“You’ll let me choose?”

“I’ll let you contribute,” she said. “Not saying you get to pick, but I’d like us both to agree.”

“Right.” He felt a slight lessening of the tension between them, and smiled briefly. “Thank you.”

Belle shrugged.

“It’s your baby too.”

He felt his smile widen. She didn’t return it, but she seemed to be less hostile. He decided to move onto another topic, hoping to put her at ease a little more.

“I’ll arrange medical insurance,” he said. “I’ve already made some enquiries, but I’ll need some further details from you.”

“We can go through that tomorrow,” she said. “I take it you’re staying in Boston for a few days?”

“I can stay as long as you like,” he said.

She didn’t say anything in response to that, just looked into her teacup.

“And I’d - I’d like to accompany you to appointments, if that’s alright,” he added. “You’ll have the best care Boston can offer.”

“Thank you.” She cradled the cup in her hands, eyeing him over the rim. “I guess there’s not too long to go now.”

“Not long at all.” He sat back, glancing around the apartment. “Have you thought about which room you’ll put the baby in?”

“Uh - I thought the one next to mine,” she said. “The other one could be the guest bedroom, I suppose.”

“Would you like to repaint?”

Belle’s eyes brightened a little.

“Do you mind?”

“Of course not, it’s your apartment,” he said. “Just let me know what you want. Colours, wallpaper if you like. I’ll get some furniture for the baby’s room.”

“Can I help pick it out?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you.”

She sounded as though she meant it, and that knot in his chest loosened a little more, releasing a strange warmth that began to flood through his body and rid him of the numbing cold that seemed to have kept him from feeling for so long. A brief moment of calm, a sense that she was losing some of her hostility towards him, little though he deserved it. Perhaps they could get through this. Perhaps they could build something. There was silence as they drank their tea. Belle chose a cookie, crunching it in small bites, and he watched her, hoping she would eat another. She could do with putting on a little weight.

He smiled briefly, setting down his cup, and Belle glanced at him, still wary.

“I’ll get all the paperwork from my lawyer,” he said. “There are things you’ll need to sign.”

“Okay.”

“You should really get your own legal advice,” he added.

“I’ll think about it.” She put down her cup. “Let me read through everything first.”

“Well, I’m not going to push you into anything,” he said. “We’ve had the paternity test, so I can sign the Acknowledgement of Paternity when the baby’s born. The rest is just - well, it’s just our agreement. Our deal.”

“Yeah,” she whispered. “We know how you like your deals.”

Gold sat back, irritated.

“Belle,” he said quietly. “I’m fucking trying, alright?”

“I know.” She pushed back in her seat, not looking at him. “I know you’re trying. I just wish - I wish you didn’t have to try, okay? I wish we weren’t in this position.”

“You wish you weren’t pregnant?”

“No.” She shook her head, glancing back at him. “I wish we weren’t like this. I wish you hadn’t done what you did.”

He hung his head a little.

“Look,” he said calmly. “I know I may have burnt my bridges with you, but—”

He cut off as Belle let out a bitter laugh.

“You didn’t - you didn’t burn your bridges, Alex, you bloody well blew them out of the water!” she said. “There was no way to come back from that, and - and what kills me is it wasn’t even necessary. You could have just said that you didn’t love me, that you didn’t want to see me again.”

You wouldn’t have accepted that. You would have kept pushing, kept trying, I know you would. You would have given your all to me, and I would have taken it because I’m weak. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved.

Perhaps he should have told her that, been truthful with her for once in his life, but he couldn’t speak. Belle was chewing her lip, looking desperately sad.

“The worst part…” She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them, they were as cold as winter, filled with regret.

“The worst part is, I loved you anyway,” she said quietly. “After you broke up with me, over at your house, I still loved you. I still wanted you. I thought maybe if I gave it some time, if I went away to study and came back, maybe things would be different, maybe you would be different. Maybe things would change.”

Things wouldn’t change. Things could never change. I wanted you then and I want you now. That’ll never change.

“But then I saw you again, the night before I left,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. She ran her hands over her growing belly. “The night you gave me this. And the things you said...”

He wanted to speak, to tell her he was sorry, that he hadn’t meant the terrible things he had said to her, that he wanted to take them back. She was shaking her head, sadness and unbearable loss in her eyes, and the words caught and died in his throat, harsh and hurting.

“The things you said,” she whispered. “You were so - so bitter, so hateful. I was a fool to think we could have had something.”

No. No, you were never the fool, that was me. A weak, pathetic fool. I should never have touched you. I knew it would hurt us both.

“I was an idiot,” she went on, “thinking that I understood you, that I knew you. Like there’s anyone that knows you. Like you’d ever let me.”

I wanted to. God help me, Belle, a part of me wanted to, I know it.

“And so I worked to get past it,” she said. “And then - this. So I can never forget you, can I? I can never move past you because I’m carrying your child. You’re gonna be a part of my life forever, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, so you’ll forgive me a few childish digs. I’m sure I’ll get over it.”

He shook his head, his shoulders slumping a little.

“Belle,” he began. “I just—”

“Don’t,” she said wearily. “I don’t want your apology, it’s too late for that.”

He closed his eyes, opened them again.

“I just want to say that everything we had—”

“Everything we had is no longer there,” she interrupted. “And that’s fine.”

It was as though his soul was screaming at him, beating at the inside of his chest, desperate to break out and coil around her and pull her to him. He wanted to speak, but something had wrapped around his tongue and was holding it tight, a scream of anguish frozen in his throat. Belle took a deep breath, letting it out in a long, steady stream, as though cleansing her soul of something dark and foul. She glanced at him, and there was sadness in her eyes, and pain, and loss.

“I suppose at least I know you want to be fully involved in its life,” she added. “That’s more than I was expecting. That’s enough.”

He swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the sharp, heavy lump in his throat.

“Right,” he managed.

“It’s not like we need to be together to raise this child, is it?” she went on. “We just - we just need to be parents.”

“Yes,” he whispered. “That’s it.”

Belle nodded, a gesture of acceptance, and raised her eyes to his.

“Then I guess I’ll wait for you to bring the paperwork over tomorrow,” she said. “I have an appointment in two days, if you want to come with me. I guess I’ll have to arrange something with whoever the new doctor is, right?”

“Right.”

His voice sounded as cold and hollow as he felt, but she didn’t seem to notice, simply giving him a tiny, sad smile.

“Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?”

He shook his head wordlessly, and she nodded.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” she said. “I’ll see you out.”

He followed her as though he was in a trance, walking from the apartment, turning to face her and watching her eyes flick to his as she closed the door, shutting him out. His body seemed to sag, hands folding over the handle of his cane as his head dropped and his shoulders slumped.

“Oh, Belle,” he whispered sadly.

She was beautiful with her hair tied up on her head, but he remembered how it looked unbound and falling around her shoulders. It had slipped through his fingers, soft as silk as he kissed her, that night in the cabin when she had told him she loved him. He remembered the look in her eyes as she whispered the words, and the pure, blinding panic he had felt upon hearing them.

There were a few moments in his life which he had identified as turning points: forked paths in which the decisions he had made had shaped his destiny, for better or worse. Moments when, had he made a different choice, his life would have changed beyond recognition. Gold tried not to acknowledge regrets, a policy which came from having made the wrong choice all too many times, but he wished with all his heart he could go back to that moment and make a different choice. He wished he had told her that he loved her too.

#fic: twisted fate #rumbelle fic #rumbelle angst #my fic #rumbelle #virgidearie #jackabelle73