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steveniskewl444 · 2 years

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yo yo this is my first post on the hellsite. so hello hi, my name is Steve (you can call me Steven tho), I am 18 (bodily 17), my pronouns are he/him (I’d prefer you just use my name, sometimes I just don’t feel like pronounce), I am arospec and homosexual with an exclusive attraction to men — based on their gender ofc, don’t care abt your down there — and enbies who are man-aligned or whatever. i don’t feel too much romantic fluff and am not into it, but i’m still positive about romance overall.

here are some of my stances, takes, some stuff abt me in general idk, to help you out in (not) interacting with this blog muahaha:

gays should have the exact amount of rights as straights, but preferably we should be liberated from shitty heternormative society

i hate cancel culture, but i love people being taken accountable. don’t police others for liking a “problematic” person, just point out if they’re a dick sucker.

i hate terminally online shit so much pls don’t bring your terminally online bullshit on this blog. YOU WILL BE IGNORED AND/OR BLOCKED.

people whose sexual action is being into children or into animals shouldn’t be here. you all make me throw up.

don’t come here if you unironically say “slayyyy” or “you ate 🤪” or any other white queer appropriation of AAVE every 5 seconds. you can say “slay” or any other AAVE phrase, but if your skin looks like milk and not like espresso coffee, then you’re on thin ice.

people who are like “umm bi lesbeans aren’t real 🥺🥺🥺” who gives a shit who gives a shit WHO GIVES A SHIT??? don’t come here if you’re like that.

people who are against the ocean turian/uranian flag (don’t care + didn’t ask + white + L + ratio) shouldn’t come here at all. i could give less of a fuck. uranians be damned, THE FACT WE HAVE FLAGS OF OUR OWN IS ENOUGH. SHUT UP ALREADY AND ADMIT THAT ENBIES CAN LIKE BLUE TOO, WHY DO YOU GENDER COLORS? or “nooo they stole it from lesbans 🥺🥺🥺” WHO GIVES A FUCK ?????!!!!??? ITS FINE TO TAKE INSPIRATION Y’ALL + THE POINT IS THAT THEY MATCH YOU BITCHES

i am, generally speaking, a leftist. I appreciate this whole idea of workers owning the means of production but not only. I also appreciate this one thing, it begins with an A, arachnids or something, idk. oh, anarchy!! that one!!! yeah, if you’re a hardcore ML, maybe this isn’t the place for you.

I am Christian so please don’t disrespect my religion. I am not practicing but I still believe in my Lord Jesus Christ, for only He can save me from this hellhole. i think he’s fine with homosexuals too, the Bible generally condemned pederasty (the totally not MAP act of older men having sex with younger twinks during the Ancient era, which ofc is a stupid as fuck practice!!!), NOT HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIOR BETWEEN TWO CONSENTING ADULTS HOLY FUCK !!!! Plus if y’all don’t allow us to marry, am I supposed to forever not fuck a man?!?? (no sex before marriage y’all!!)

if you’re younger than, idk, the age of consent in most European countries, you shouldn’t be on this blog. I may post some… slightly NSFW stuff from time to time. (NOT an NSFW blog tho!!!!)

anyone who says “fiction doesn’t affect reality 🤓” or “fiction doesn’t affect reality 1:1 🤓” is a mindless zombie who can’t be critical of what they consume and tolerate the fucked up portrayal of… MAP behavior, of Catholic priest behavior, ya know, in a “haha this is good quirky soooo romantic woowww 🤪🤪🤪” way, and you shouldn’t even look at me in the eyes. yes, you know yourselves.

I LOVE MUSCULAR MEN!!!! I LOVE JACKED UP MEN WHO ARE MASCULINE JUST LIKE I AM!!!! I LOVE MEN WHOSE MUSCLES ARE HUGE!!!! I LOVE FIT MEN!!!! MEENNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

I love a bit of footy, a bit of pop music (ya know, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, that shit slaps and is not for effeminate twinks or white valley girls only), I love Kumalala especially, I uhh love linguistics, I love many things… except for love itself 😌.

Anyhow ahoy, i hope y’all will… tolerate me i guess. host calls me “problematic” and has beef with me, tell @anarchobasil they’re wrong whenever they shit talk abt me pls. When I say “probelmatic” stuff I am ironic 99.9% of the time. I am a very huge ally for everyone, don’t care. and uhhh that’s it????

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? no

Who is the person you would least like to be stuck in a lift with? Why? smelly drunk puking rapist murderer - do I really have to explain? If your parents looked in your inbox and read your messages, would they find out anything you didn’t want them to know? my sexts Have you cried at all during the past week? ... When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? now, no comment Who was the last person you had an argument with? how would you feel if that person never spoke to you again? both good and bad

Do you like forks with three metal pokers, or four? I don’t care Would you ever wear a hat with cat ears on it? I already do

Have you ever eating raw sugar by itself? when I was a kid I was stealing it from my grandma’s sugar-bowl Do you paint your left or right hand fingernails first? I don’t recall but probably left as I’m righty What about for your feet? not that I paint them but whatever What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? hmm... Do you think fish are cute? some can be If you found an ant on your food, would you still eat it? doubt it How much do you weigh? 42 kg now

What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? but dates or relationship?

Do you have any theatrical experience? If so, what have you done? just school

Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? every subject you talk about constantly is getting on my nerves tbh

Is there anything you need to say to anyone? I don’t know how/what/if I should/want to

If you could have anyone to do your eulogy, who would it be and why? my dad

If given the choice, would you rather go to Subway or a Chinese restaurant? Subway

Do your neighbors annoy you in any way? many ways

Whose car were you in last? I was in a taxi

How late did you stay up last night? I barely slept at all because of cannula/venflon and feeling like I’m choking, also noise and anxiety

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? coming home

Who did you last see in person? mom

When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? today (my father)

What is on your wrists right now? finally nothing and that feels weird, I constantly want to fix my ID wristband but it’s not there anymore

Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing? second hand - it has an elephant and Perfectly imperfect written on it

Do you like clowns? very

Are you listening to anything at the moment? I am

Do you twitch when your falling asleep? it happens at times but only rarely

Are your dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty? we don’t own a dishwasher

Are you at home or with friends more often? home and I like it that way

Would you date someone 15 years older than you? noooo

Do you own a strapless bra? nah

How are you feeling at this exact moment? it’s complicated

Are you someone who worries too often? absolutely

Do you ever wonder how other people see you? obvi

What is one good thing you’re known for? How about one bad thing? don’t ask me

Are you taller than most? lmfao

Are you the type of person who likes to be out or home? take a guess...

Has anyone ever said i love you to you and not meant it? it seems

Do you regret going out with the last person you did? going out as dating or just spending time with somebody outside?

When was the last time you showered? few days ago because I couldn’t move my arm :(

Who did you last talk to in person? my mother

Do you ever have days where you just don’t do anything? yeah

Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep? hahaha

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic? not sure

What area of math are you best at? Worst? dunno

How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? only Dorota had similar taste in music to mine not counting my current gf’s love towards 80s songs that we share

How often do you “half-ass” things (put little effort in)? often?

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? yes

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? sure

What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? everything?...

If you don’t have glasses, how would you feel if you had to get them? mixed feelings

If you do have glasses, how would you feel if you didn’t need them anymore? -

Have you ever considered going to art school? I have considered and am slightly regretting that I didn’t

How quickly can you write an essay? depends

Favorite episode of Spongebob? it’s not my fav but I remember the one where Spongebob painted the room most (why tho?)

Do you have any silly/odd emotional connections to anything/anyone? would say so

Do you play with your phone in awkward situations? I might

Do u own a rolling pin?: u don’t? :o

What’s your ideal indoor temperature?: never checked

Does your kitchen have a theme?: ... apparently poop is the theme

Are u a pack rat?: mhm

What’s the grossest thing u have found in your food?: bug, hair, piece of plastic...

Do u like ice cream sandwiches?: why not

Ever worn a flower in your hair?: for a moment

What surgeries have u had?: none

What health problems do u have?: what health problems I don’t have?...

Do u like to sleep in?: yasss

Don’t ya just hate foot cramps? who likes those?

Would you say you have an infectious laugh? not really Shouldn’t you be doing something else right now? omg thx for a reminder :o What is something you worry about often? every single thing Do you walk fast or slow? compared to?... Would you consider yourself healthy? Both mind and body. not at all Does sitting in waiting rooms drive you insane? not as much as majority of people, I can wait for a long time when I see the point and don’t feel the worst, I don’t need much entertainment to not get bored What form of public transport do you use most often? bus Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junkie? the opposite Have you ever been arrested? If so, why? I’m an angel Do you ever put sticky notes around the place to remind yourself of things? I have shitload of notes but they’re not sticky Would you eat a spider for $50? hell no Would you rather be a kangaroo or a koala? koala Are you easy to talk to? am I? Can you juggle with more than two items? I can’t juggle with one item pfft At airports do you ever worry your luggage won’t arrive? scary but luckily I don’t travel by plane What other windows have you currently got opened? fb, youtube, tumblr drafts, google translator and google searching Who else is in the same building as you? my parents Would you like a penny farthing bicycle? maybe Would you ever consider visiting Ireland? what for? Would you like to visit Venice? no thx Did you ever eat leaves when you were a kid? my sister did Do you have any flags in your house? we occasionally put polish flag on balcony Are there any ‘keep off the grass’ signs where you live? just don’t throw trash on the ground on cemetery Have you ever walked on the grass with such a sign? that’s rude unless you really didn’t notice or had no choice Are you double-jointed? could say so At school which area of science did you prefer: biology/chemistry/physics? definitely not physics Which did you prefer between geography/history? neither Have you ever driven a tractor? didn’t have an opportunity Does the smell of the countryside bother you? animal shit does Do you drink more water or juice? water

Sweater weather or tank top weather? Which do you prefer. I like it hot, I hate winter but I enjoy sweaters Is there a cat in the room you’re in right now? stuffed only Do you enjoy going to the movies? prefer to watch movies at home

Are you an animal lover? I admire from afar How tall are you? according to my doctor I lost 2 cm Is there anything you want to ask anyone right now? God Are you gay, straight, bi, lesbian, asexual, or not sure? asexual/lesbian Are you more negative or more positive? negative Have you made any life altering decisions lately? I’m deciding

Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? not atm Have you made a CV? several Where is the last place you applied for a job? (If you have) which was the last one... Are you photogenic? I’m ugly

What are you listening to right now? stopped because family member is asleep What are you going to do tomorrow? shopping if anything

Have you ever been judged on something you wore? been bullied

Think QUICK what word begins with c? clown :D

Are you a funny person? I believe Be honest, do you go for looks more or personality? personality is more important but I’m picky

Are you a flirty person? a bit

Are you homophobic? I’m homo myself so...

How would you react if someone said you ruined their life? I know I ruin everybody’s lives

If you’re home alone, do you still close/lock the door when you use the bathroom? I don’t lock ‘em even when I’m not alone

What’s the stupidest song you’ve listened to today? nothing stupid

How is your hair currently styled? it’s dirty and after this survey I will wash my head finally

Do you ever stay up late just to be awake oh well...

Would you ever write a letter to someone you haven’t met yet, like your future spouse? I don’t think so

Would you rather spend the day watching movies or on an intense hike? entire day just one thing?!

Are you stressed about anything? always Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water? too dangerous for me Are you one of those people who take like, 50 Facebook quizzes at a time? whoops :x What’s on your bed? it’s so clean/empty that it freaks me out Are you texting anyone? no longer

Did your last beverage contain caffeine? it was just water

Did you get any friend requests on Facebook today? did not

What’s your least favourite song by your favourite artist? for example - one of my fav bands - Queen - I dislike Radio Gaga and We will rock you

What’s your best friend’s middle name? no middle name!

Who was the last person to comment on your Facebook status? my partner

If the person you miss turned up at your door now, how would you react? woah wtf

Where were you THREE hours ago? in here

What are you wearing right now? my leggings with colorful heart pattern

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? parent

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? I got two shirts and socks

What day is tomorrow? Friday

Do you remember the first person you ever kissed? we’re together now again

Ever use someone else’s toothbrush? that’s disgusting, don’t!

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notalwaysthevillian · 5 years

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Brewing Love

Warnings: Food mention

Pairings: Remile; background Logicality & eventual Prinxiety

Word Count: 1.6k

Based on this post by @teacupfulofstarshine!

Read from the beginning!

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter 3

One Friday afternoon, Remy was busying himself by reorganizing the pastry case.

Alphabetically.

He’d never been so bored.

As the chimes above the door jingled, he thanked his lucky stars. Sliding the pastry case shut, he turned around to greet the customer.

All the breath was knocked out of his lungs as he saw Emile.

Wearing a skirt.

The blue fabric looked as though it was made of air. It floated as Emile headed to the register, mug in hand.

Remy’s eyes darted to the bracelet so that he wouldn’t be caught staring.

“One hot chocolate?” He asked, not trusting himself to say anything else just yet.

Emile giggled and handed over the mug. “Yes please.”

Remy started on the drink, humming under his breath. He didn’t notice what he’d been humming until he heard Emile gasp.

“Is that Steven Universe?” She whispered, unable to keep the excitement out of her voice.

Blood rushed to Remy’s cheeks as he nodded. “Yeah. You’ve mentioned it a lot, so I figured I should check it out. It’s really good.”

“I’m so glad you like it!” She squealed. Her eyes absolutely lit up as she started to talk. “What episode are you on? I don’t want to spoil anything.”

Remy swirled the whipped cream before handing the drink over. “Episode five was the last one I watched.”

Emile nodded. “Okay, episode five...who’s your favorite character so far?”

“Definitely Amethyst. Her weapon is awesome, and she just doesn’t care what other people think.”

Emile sipped her drink. “Amethyst is amazing.”

“Who’s your favorite?”

She thought for a moment, blowing on her drink. “Hmm...I think Steven.”

Remy smiled. “You remind me of Steven.”

“Thank you!”

Remy propped his chin up on his hand, leaning on the counter. “Actually, you know who you remind me of?”

Emile tilted her head in a silent question.

“Katara.”

A squeal of happiness left Emile’s mouth. She flapped her hands, saying, “I bought this skirt because it reminded me of the water tribe!”

“It’s a beautiful skirt.” Remy turned on his charm. “For a beautiful person.”

Emile smiled, getting up from her seat. “Thank you. Have a nice day!”

“Wait!”

She turned back around.

Remy flushed. “Um, there’s-we’re-tonight is our first open mic night. If you aren’t doing anything...I was hoping you’d come?”

Emile nodded. “That sounds great! I’ll let my afternoon clients know too, I’m sure they’d love to participate!”

With a little wave, she discarded her mug and left. With nothing else to do, Remy went and got the mug, washed it, and returned it to its place.

He headed into the kitchen. Patton was rolling out some dough, with some difficulty with Logan’s arms wrapped around his waist. Logan nuzzled into Patton’s neck, causing the baker to lean into the embrace.

The domestic scene caused another twinge in Remy’s heart. Not wanting to interrupt, he headed back to the front counter, opting to clean it for the fifth time instead.

When his shift ended, he whipped off his apron and darted out of the shop. Tripping over Chai, he quickly fed her before hopping into the shower.

As he toweled off, Chai hopped onto his bed.

“Are you gonna help me pick out a bomb outfit for tonight?” He asked, scritching behind her ears. “It’s the first time I’ll see Emile when I’m not working. I’ve gotta look my best.”

Looking in his closet, Remy’s eyes landed on a simple black tank. Deciding that Emile would probably like him better dressed comfortably, he slipped it on. It was quickly paired with a simple pair of skinny jeans and black ankle boots.

By the time he was completely done, it was just about time to go. He made sure that Chai had her dinner before grabbing his sunglasses and heading out of the house.

He got there at the same time as Logan and Patton.

“You’re here early.” He unlocked the door, a smirk crossing his face. “I don’t suppose a certain someone is coming?”

“Oh, leave him alone.” Patton lightly smacked Logan’s shoulder. “We were the same way.”

“Don’t tell me I’m turning into a useless gay!” Remy cried out, earning a playful glare.

The three of them entered the shop, stopping their conversation to get ready for open mic night.

Patton brought out the final pastries just as it hit six o’clock. The theater troupe entered right on time, chatting easily with the owners.

“Roman!” Remy called out, getting the attention of the blonde.

He strolled over, an easy smile on his face. “I can’t believe you got Logan to let us sing here.”

“I heard that!”

“Love you roomie!” Roman called back. He dropped his voice to a whisper. “I heard you’ve got a special someone coming tonight.”

Remy flushed. “Who told you?”

“Patton.”

Burying his face into his hands, Remy mumbled, “I should never have told them.”

“I’m rooting for ya.” Roman patted him on the shoulder. “I can dedicate something to the two of you if you want.”

“No!” The look on Roman’s face made Remy wince. “I didn’t mean-I just don’t want to scare her off.”

“Can’t wait to meet her.”

Roman headed back to his troupe, leaving Remy waiting near the door.

His heart pounded as time passed and more people filled the cafe.

“Remy!”

He turned and got an armful of Emile. She smiled up at him, making sure to show that her charms hadn’t changed.

“I’m glad you came.”

“Me too!” Emile waved at a few kids in the troupe. “I’ve been to their last four performances, they’re really good!”

Her excitement was contagious. A huge smile flooded Remy’s face. “I saved us some seats.”

“Lead the way.”

Emile followed Remy, giggling when he sat her down in her usual seat at the counter. He held up a finger, disappearing behind the counter for a second.

Her face absolutely lit up when he handed her a hot chocolate made in her favorite mug.

“Remy, you didn’t have to-”

“I wanted to.” He promised, sliding into his seat as the performances started. “On the house.”

“Thank you.”

The two sat in a comfortable silence, watching the performances. The range of songs was all over the place, ranging from Lady Gaga to Johnny Cash.

Two hours later, Roman took the mic.

“First of all, can we get some applause for the gracious employees of this place?” Applause erupted from all corners of the room, putting smiles on their faces. Roman held up a hand and it went silent almost immediately. “Thank all of you for coming. If you want to support this place and have more nights like this, a few cast members will be walking around with tip jars. Donations are completely optional!”

Remy watched in shock as people pulled out fifty dollar bills and stuffed them into the jars.

“I’ll be our closing performer tonight.” Roman shot a wink at Remy. His blood ran cold. “This one goes out to all the lovers out there. If you’re up for it, feel free to dance with your partner.”

“Wise men say…”

Roman’s voice created an atmosphere of romance. Remy saw Logan shyly hold out a hand to Patton, pulling him into a gentle sway when he accepted.

A few other couples joined in before the first chorus.

Taking a deep breath and a leap of faith, Remy turned to Emile. “Would you like to dance?”

A gorgeous pink blush spread across Emile’s cheeks. “Um, actually...I can’t dance. The only thing I know about dancing comes from Steven Universe.”

“When the gems fuse?”

Emile nodded, still avoiding eye contact.

Remy pointed over to Logan and Patton. “It’s completely fine if you don’t want to, but all they’re doing is swaying. We could try that.”

“I’d rather just sit and talk.” She admitted, finally looking at Remy. “I like talking with you.”

“I like talking with you too. That’s why I asked you out.”

Emile froze like a deer in headlights. “Wait - did you mean for this to be a date?”

“Um, kinda?” This was going south fast. “If you don’t want it to be a date, it doesn’t have to be a date. It can just be us hanging out.”

“I’m so sorry.” Tears sprang to her eyes. “If I’d known it was a date - I - ”

Remy reached out, stopping just before he touched her. “Is this okay?”

Getting a nod, he pulled her into a hug. “I should’ve made it more clear. And I should’ve made sure that you were okay with it, that’s my fault.”

“I am.”

Remy blinked, pulling back. “What?”

“I am. Okay with it.” That pretty blush was back. “I just...I would’ve acted differently if I’d known.”

He was stunned and the only thing that left his mouth was, “How?”

“Well, for starters…” She grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers together. “I would’ve told you how handsome you are.”

Remy squeezed her hand, a smile on his face. “So you didn’t notice that I’ve been flirting with you since day one?”

“No.” She laughed, but her smile didn't reach her eyes. “There’s a lot of things that I don’t pick up on.”

“So, now that you know, if I was to ask you out to dinner tomorrow night?” Remy bit his lip.

The soft look on her face filled him with mixed emotions. “I would, but - I’m going to a movie with a friend. But I could ask if she’d mind if you came along! That way she could bring her girlfriend!”

“I don’t want to intrude.”

Emile stopped texting. “We could go out Saturday night then?”

Remy smiled, placing a kiss on her knuckles. “Sounds like a date.”

“A real date.” Emile hesitated for a second before pecking Remy on the cheek. “See you Saturday!”

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Brewing Love Tag List: @althea-weaver @angels-and-dreams @aroundofapplesauce @awkwardangie410 @bangthekobrakid @bionic-egypt @bubblycricket @coconut-cluster @creativity-killed-thekitten @i-have-n0-idea-what-im-d0ing @incoherentfangirl @laterpaladudeswheee @levy-the-b00kw0rm @lightningbug04 @magicalspacepanunicorn @mc-illustration @midnighteclipse98 @mourning--star @nottodaylogic @onenightjoanly @potater420 @romanismyprince @shootingace @somehowsnakesblog @supersecretsanderssides @the-hungriest-games @theagenderghost

#food mention #sanders sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #ts sleep #remy sanders #emile picani #romantic remile #romantic logicality

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roseisread · 5 years

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My Year in Movies: Favorite Non-2018 Feature Films (Part 3)

In case you missed it, check out part 1 and part 2! Now picking up where we left off...

28. My Cousin Vinny (1992, directed by Jonathan Lynn, country of origin: US)

I know, I know. I can’t believe it either. But I really hadn’t seen this one til just a few short months ago. Marisa Tomei is, of course, a megababe in it; and Joe Pesci wears the hell out of some ridiculous outfits as he portrays a very unconventional defense attorney trying to help his cousin and a friend beat a murder charge. I laughed and laughed and cheered and laughed some more. Best courtroom scenes I watched all year, (and I watched A Few Good Men this year so that’s saying something). If this is still a blind spot for you, or you just want to revisit it, you can rent it on Amazon for 99 cents right now.

27. After Hours (1985, directed by Martin Scorsese, country of origin: US)

Talk about things that escalate quickly: In this movie, Griffin Dunne’s character Paul meets a fellow book lover/manic pixie dream girl type (Rosanna Arquette). However, when he accepts her invitation for a late night rendezvous at her place, she quickly turns into a manic pixie nightmare girl. By morning, Paul finds himself a fugitive on suspicion of burglary, sex crimes, and murder in a neighborhood it’s safe to say he will never visit again. It’s a more heightened, comedic take on the classic “wrongfully accused” genre, and Dunne plays every note of desperation perfectly. You can watch this for free on Vudu, or rent on other streaming platforms.

26. The Big Clock (1948, directed by John Farrow, country of origin: US)

The Big Clock actually has a few things in common with the aforementioned After Hours--hardworking New York City guy agrees to drinks with possibly sketchy woman and winds up the prime suspect in a murder. The whole thing takes place over a 36-hour period, and as you might guess the Clock of the title is ticking. The cast is great--Ray Milland, Charles Laughton, Maureen O’Sullivan--and the film balances humor and suspense with ease. Fun fact, the movie is directed by John Farrow, father of Mia. The movie is available for online rental through Amazon, Vudu, and iTunes.

25. The Doll (1919, directed by Ernst Lubitsch, country of origin: Germany)

I adore Ernst Lubitsch, who directed The Shop Around The Corner, To Be or Not To Be, Trouble in Paradise, and Design for Living. Before his English-language talkies, however, he got his start in Germany with silent films like Die Puppe (The Doll). Starring the effervescent Ossi Oswalda (basically the silent era’s Greta Gerwig), this comic fantasy skewers romantic conventions.

Lancelot is a young prince who must marry in order to receive his inheritance; but he’s afraid of women (or possibly gay... it’s easy to read it that way). He buys what he think is a life-like doll to deceive his family and avoid marriage to a real girl; but little does he know Ossi is actually a real girl pretending to be a doll. It’s all very silly and over the top and winking, and also one of the most hilarious and charming rom-coms this side of the Hallmark channel. The physical comedy is outstanding, the social commentary is scathing, and Ossi is the hero we didn’t know we needed. There are a few versions floating around on YouTube or you can rent it for a few bucks on Amazon. I caught it on Filmstruck during a Lubitsch spotlight, and my life has never been the same.

24. Talk To Her (2002, directed by Pedro Almodovar, country of origin: Spain)

Pedro Almodovar can take the most seemingly absurd situation or plot contrivance and draw out something truly human and moving. He excels at shining a light on damaged but compelling characters, and doing everything with such style and panache that you let your guard down completely and before you know it you’re rooting for someone you ordinarily would scoff at from a distance. This movie’s story focuses on two comatose women and their caretakers, and delves into the limits of love and consent in fascinating, disturbing ways. I had no idea where this film was going but I was with it every second. Available for rent on most online platforms.

23. Crash (1996, directed by David Cronenberg, country of origin: Canada)

From the king of body horror, David Cronenberg, comes a movie about people who find eroticism where most people would find repulsion. Based on the controversial book by J.G. Ballard, this film follows a group of people who are aroused by car accidents and the injuries that result from metal and flesh colliding. It sounds macabre and at times it is, but under the surface are deeper themes that question what is considered “normal” versus “fetish” and why bodies that are whole and untarnished are worshiped while those that have distinguishing marks are tossed aside. There’s also certainly a critique of consumerism and cars as status symbols, and probably a lot more I missed on first viewing. Who better to portray a sexual deviant than James Spader? He’s joined by Holly Hunter, Elias Koteas (you’ll never think of Casey Jones the same way again), Deborah Kara Unger, and Rosanna Arquette. This is a tough one to track down--nowhere online right now, and it’s out of print on physical media; but if you see it at a thrift store or your local library, check it out.

22. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920, directed by Robert Wiene, country of origin: Germany)

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari is one of those movies that gets referenced a lot but I still wasn’t sure exactly what to expect from this silent German Expressionist film. Sometimes watching such a revered classic can be a little daunting--will I like as much as I’m “supposed to”? Thankfully, I did. Basically all of goth culture could probably trace its lineage back to this weird, creepy, twisty film. The elaborate, off-kilter set design and mind-bending story got under my skin in the best way. I won’t say much about the plot--just watch it (on YouTube unofficially or rentable on various streaming services).

21. Duck Soup (1933, directed by Leo McCarey, country of origin: US)

My introduction to the Marx Brothers was A Night at the Opera, and I went gaga for their rapid-fire verbal gymnastics and their gonzo physical comedy. This film takes it to the next level and throws in some political satire for good measure. So many incredible, iconic routines; song and dance sequences; and dialogue that you have to watch at least 4 times to catch all the jokes. I’m officially a fan of the Marx Brothers after this. You can rent it on most streaming sources, but I’m guessing if you have a male relative over the age of 50 you could probably borrow it from their collection. It’s very popular with Dad/Uncle demographic, and I can see why.

20. They Live by Night (1948, directed by Nicholas Ray, country of origin: US)

Nicholas Ray is quickly becoming one of my all time favorite directors. Rebel Without a Cause, In a Lonely Place, Johnny Guitar, The Racket, and now They Live By Night--just stunning movies about troubled souls who don’t quite fit in with the rest of the world. This film lays the template for so many that would come after it: Young couple, good girl falls for bad boy, they go on the run from the law, love is not all you need.

When things are good, they’re really good and lead characters Keechie (Cathy O’Donnell) and Bowie (Farley Grainger) are rapturously crazy in love. But they also bicker believably when the past begins to bleed into the present, leading to one of my favorite exchanges in the film. Bowie confronts Keechie about her whereabouts, and when she informs him she’s been to the doctor “about the baby we’re gonna have,” he bursts out, “That’s all I need!” She fires back, “You don’t see me knittin’ anything, do ya?”

This is a Criterion film, so you may have to get it from the library or catch it on TCM until the Criterion streaming service launches later this spring. Either way, it’s a must-watch, especially if you love movies like Badlands and Bonnie and Clyde.

19. Paprika (2006, directed by Satoshi Kon, country of origin: Japan)

Look, I love Inception as much as the next person, but now that I’ve seen Paprika I must admit Christopher Nolan owes a major debt to Satoshi Kon for the way he portrays dreams and reality intersecting in uncanny ways. The difference is Satoshi Kon did it with much more weirdness and color and unsettling body horror. Don’t ask me to explain this movie, I’m not even 100% sure it can be unraveled all the way into a linear structure; but it is zany and wonderful in the best way. There’s no Tom Hardy but there is a girl who turns into a butterfly and a band of frogs and a creepy clown and a really fat guy who’s in love with the smart scientist lady... I’m telling you, you gotta see this thing. You can stream it for free on Crackle; otherwise it’s a $2.99 rental from Amazon and Vudu.

18. Good Time (2017, directed by the Safdie Brothers, country of origin: US)

If you missed this in 2017, PLEASE watch it now. Robert Pattinson gives his career best performance as a fast talking petty criminal trying to get his mentally handicapped brother out of jail after making him an accomplice to his own crimes. The soundtrack by Oneohtrix Point Never combined with the Safdie Brothers mesmerizing cinematography make for a hypnotic, propulsive viewing experience. Newcomer Taliah Webster delivers an excellent supporting performance as an unwitting sidekick partway through the film. Watch for free on Amazon Prime or rent on Vudu or YouTube.

17. Cleo From 5 to 7 (1962, directed by Agnes Varda, country of origin: France)

My first foray into the filmography of Agnes Varda, and I loved it. Cleo, a French pop singer, spends a couple hours trying to distract herself from anxiety and dread as she awaits the results of a biopsy. She buys a hat, plays with her kittens, and argues with her male collaborators over song choices.

Eventually she meets a stranger and they walk around Paris in a vignette that almost certainly influenced Richard Linklater’s entire milieu. Cleo mulls her possible fate and concludes “as long as I’m beautiful, I’m alive”--a notion Blondie would later reference in their tongue in cheek tune “Die Young, Stay Pretty.” But as much as she is fixated on her appearance, she finds herself struggling to be taken seriously by men who dismiss her because of her beauty.

Special shout out to Michel Legrand, who we learned today has left the mortal plane: He composed the lovely score for this film and also appears in it as Cleo’s pianist.

I watched this on the now-defunct Filmstruck, but it’s part of the Criterion Collection so your best bet is probably getting it from the library or waiting for it to show up when Criterion’s streaming service launches later this spring.

16. Happy Together (1997, directed by Wong Kar-Wai, country of origin: Hong Kong)

Wong Kar-Wai captures unfulfilled romantic longing on film better than just about anyone. If you’ve seen In the Mood for Love or Chungking Express you already know this. Happy Together turns the director’s eye once again toward people on a collision course of love, lust, and disfunction. Leslie Cheung (RIP) and Tony Leung portray a couple hoping their toxic relationship will hit the reset button with a change of scenery when they relocate from Hong Kong to Argentina. At times their passion manifests as tenderness, as in a moving dance sequence; other times, volatility erupts into violence. When one of them meets someone new, the possibility of a simpler, sweeter kind of love offers an alternative to the cycle of codependency and betrayal. This one is out of print right now on DVD, but check your local library or used movie store and you may get lucky.

15. La Dolce Vita (1960, directed by Federico Fellini, country of origin: Italy)

You’ve got sumptuous Italian vistas, Marcello Mastroianni being gorgeous, Anita Ekberg dancing in the fountain, and a bunch of hedonism that leads down a path of inevitable emptiness and/or destruction. Personally, I prefer this one to Fellini’s 8 1/2--it’s filled with so many scenes that could work as stand alone short films; and there’s more humor and exuberance here than in his better known, meta film experience. The 174 minute runtime may seem intimidating but for me it flew by. Available with Filmbox on Amazon right now, also part of the Criterion Collection.

14. Cooley High (1975, directed by Michael Schultz, country of origin: US)

If you’ve enjoyed movies like Dazed and Confused, American Graffiti, Boyz N the Hood, or even Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, you should really watch Cooley High. Filmed in Chicago, it follows a group of friends in high school as they skip class in favor of visiting the Lincoln Park zoo, recite poetry, go to parties, make out with girls, get into fights, and navigate the tenuous border between youth and adulthood. Full of laughs, heart, and clear-eyed realism in place of the occasional sentimentality that seeps into movies about “young folks,” this must-see of Black cinema influenced independent filmmakers like Spike Lee and Quentin Tarantino. You can rent it on Vudu, or pick up a physical copy on Blu-ray or DVD.

13. Poltergeist (1982, directed by Tobe Hooper, country of origin: US)

Out of all the major blindspots I caught up with in 2018, this is the one that both impressed me the most and made me wonder why it took me this long to see it. I think I just assumed that it would be super cheesy or super scary or somehow both? Needless to say, I was wrong. It’s a blast! Funny, scary (but in a way I loved), original, and one of the best portrayals of family I’ve seen on screen. I now plan to watch this at least once a year to celebrate Halloween the same way that I watch Independence Day on July 4th, Elf/Jingle All the Way/Christmas Vacation at Christmas, and Nightmare Before Christmas/Donnie Darko for Halloween. I’m sure that everyone else in the world has seen it, but if you by some chance have not, go watch it right now! It’s available for rent on YouTube, Amazon, and GooglePlay.

12. Arthur (1981, directed by Steve Gordon, country of origin: US)

This one really surprised me. I became vaguely aware of its existence around the release of the terribly reviewed Russell Brand version; but no idea what to expect when I impulsively clicked the “watch now” button on Filmstruck. At first, Dudley Moore came across as an obnoxious drunken boor, but as I kept watching I realized the levels to his character went much deeper than it seemed at first. John Gielgud immediately won me over as Arthur’s butler Hobson, who loves Arthur like a son despite his many shenanigans. Then Liza Minnelli shows up on screen and isn’t she cute as a button! If you only know her as Lucille II from Arrested Development, you really owe it to yourself to see her in her heyday. You might not think Buster is so crazy for embracing “our nausea.”

This movie became one of my favorite romantic comedies, in some ways a Cinderella story and in some ways a coming of age story and in most ways something wholly original. It’s a very special film, and deserves a wider audience among today’s movie fans. It’s a $1.99 rental on most platforms right now, so you have no excuse.

11. McCabe & Mrs. Miller (1971, directed by Robert Altman, country of origin: US)

I knocked out a few Altman films last year, and they were all good but this one was my favorite. I’m not always a fan of Westerns, but this one, which finds Julie Christie’s Madam teaming up with Warren Beatty’s Gambler to open a brothel, well, it’s different. I have a feeling Altman (and maybe his cast) watched Johnny Guitar, an earlier entry on my list, because this is another case in which a powerful woman with a mind for business upends the natural order of things (aka men being in charge).

The writing here is wonderful, especially the dialogue, which includes such gems as “You know how to square a circle? Shove a four by four up a mule’s ass!” but also some more gentle, sweet exchanges and voiceover. There are also some gorgeous shots in this film, unsurprising with cinematographer Vilmos Zsigmond on board (who also shot Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Deliverance, and Blow Out just to name a few).

Watch it via rental on Amazon, GooglePlay, or iTunes.

Next up: The Top 10! Stay tuned!

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ladyfenring · 7 years

Text

Have Some Pride

Utter nonsense I wrote at the behest of @rhllors. Enjoy!

Arya eyed herself critically in the mirror. “Lommy,” she called. “Do you think I look gay enough?”

Lommy, who was wearing a Babadook costume, poked his head in the room. “YAS QUEEN.”

“You’re not that gay.”

“I am today.” He fiddled with his long claws. “I can’t believe every gay person was born today.”

Arya took a picture of him and uploaded it to instagram with the caption “I can’t believe every gay person was born today. -Lommadook”.

“All right, kids.” Thoros appeared in the doorway wearing a shirt that said “I’M WITH BERIC.” Behind him stood Beric, whose shirt read “I’M BERIC.” “Let’s go.”

Arya and Lommy tripped after Beric and Thoros. Gendry, Hot Pie, and Sandor were already waiting in the car. Hot Pie looked excited, Gendry looked neutral, and Sandor looked as if he’d rather be anywhere else. “I don’t like parades. Or loud noises. Or celebrations. Or--”

“You don’t like anything,” Thoros said.

“That’s not true. I like being at home,” Sandor protested.

“You’ll like this too,” Arya said with a consolatory pat.

Sandor snorted. “How would you know? You’ve never been to a Pride parade before.”

“Well, neither have you,” Hot Pie pointed out, because he had no filter and possibly an unconscious death wish.

“Everyone is going to have a good, gay time,” Beric said, starting up the car. He plugged the aux cord into his phone and started playing ABBA. He, Thoros, Arya, Hot Pie, and Lommy sang for the entire ride. By the time they parked the car, Sandor was looking murderous.

“Come on, Sandy,” Thoros said, tugging the other man from the car. “You’ll have a great time!”

Even if Sandor wasn’t having a good time, everyone else was. People were dancing and shouting all around them, and most of them couldn’t get over Lommy’s outfit. Sandor tried to escape while people took countless pictures and videos of Lommy, but Thoros was adamant--Sandor would stay for the parade and he would like it.

When they finally did make it to the parade, Arya shouted in delight. Every float was gayer than the last, featuring everything from a little boy wearing platform heels and dancing to Lady Gaga to a float of twerking drag queens. Arya convinced Gendry to let her sit on his shoulders so that she could see everything. Everything was a glittery rainbow of love.

By far the best float, however, was the one where Arianne Martell, Renly Baratheon, and Loras Tyrell were dancing, double fisting rainbow-colored bottles of vodka.

“This is such a good idea!” Arianne gushed to Renly.

“It is!” he shouted over the music. “I’m just glad we got rid of Gerold.”

The two friends rolled their eyes at the thought of their childhood acquaintance, who had gotten incredibly butthurt when they told him that as a straight person, he couldn’t be in the parade.

“But I’m an Ally!” he’d whined.

“Exactly,” they’d both said.

“Oh my god,” Arianne said. “It’s Beric!” She and Renly both waved enthusiastically at him, as if he wasn’t able to see them dancing and pouring vodka on their mostly-bare torsos. “BERIC! BEEEEERRRRIIIIIICCCCC!”

“HEY GUYS!” Beric shouted.

“COME JOIN US!”

“OKAY.” And with that, Arianne and Renly pulled Beric and Thoros onto their float.

“WHAT ABOUT US?!” Arya shouted.

“YOU’LL BE FINE,” Thoros shouted back. The float moved away and Arya, Gendry, Hot Pie, and Lommy were left with Sandor.

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” Sandor growled.

“We’re not babies,” Arya said crossly, hopping down from Gendry’s shoulders. “You don’t have to babysit us.”

Right at that moment, Lommy accepted a red Solo cup from a stranger and drank all of it.

“What the hell was that?!” Sandor demanded.

Lommy shrugged. “I don’t know. It was fruity.”

Gendry facepalmed. “Lommy, for fuck’s sake.”

“All right, just...don’t take anything else from a stranger,” Sandor said. “And let me know if you start feeling funny.”

“I feel fabulous,” Lommy said.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Maybe we should find Beric and Thoros,” Gendry said.

“Why, so they can abandon you again?”

“Beric has the car keys,” Gendry pointed out.

“There’s a train.”

“On Pride weekend?”

Sandor cursed. “Right. Let’s go find those two idiots.”

They picked their way through the crowd, but it was slow going. Everyone around them was partying and they kept trying to get the motley crew to party with them. It was hard to resist, especially when people were throwing glitter and blowing bubbles and even spraying whipped cream everywhere. This was much more fun than chasing after stupid Beric and Thoros, who were probably doing body shots off each other by now. Hot Pie convinced them to stop and get rainbow-colored sno-cones, much to Sandor’s chagrin--nevertheless, he did get a sno-cone, and he even allowed Arya to take a selfie with him. When she looked up after posting it on instagram, she frowned.

“Where’s Lommy?”

The four of them glanced around. There were several Babadooks, but none of them looked like Lommy.

“We lost him,” Hot Pie said, paling.

“You didn’t see where he went?!”

“I was watching the fire-eaters!” Hot Pie protested. In fairness, the fire-eaters were much more interesting.

“Does he have a phone on him?” Sandor asked, though he looked skeptical.

Arya shook her head. “He couldn’t fit it into his outfit.”

“We’ll never find him in this crowd,” Gendry lamented. “Everyone’s dressed as the fucking Babadook.”

“What the fuck’s a Babadook?” Sandor wanted to know.

“A gay icon,” said Arya. “But we’ve got to find him--there’s no telling what he drank.”

“Should we split up?” Gendry asked. “Cover more ground?”

“He might come back here,” Arya pointed out. “He might have just wandered off for a moment.”

Sandor sighed. “All right, Gendry, Hot Pie, you two stay here and keep an eye out. Arya and I will look for him. You all have each other’s numbers and everything?”

When they confirmed that they did, indeed, have each other’s numbers, Arya and Sandor set off.

“Fuckin’ irresponsible,” Sandor grumbled. “Just leaving you kids behind.”

“We’re not kids,” Arya said hotly.

“Oh yeah? Then why did Lommy up and wander off while we were eating fucking sno-cones?”

Arya didn’t have a good response to that.

They wove a tight circle, stopping every time they saw someone dressed like a Babadook. This was even harder than chasing after Beric and Thoros, and by the time they made their way back to the sno-cone stand, they were sweaty and tired and grumpy. Sandor was very much regretting his decision to let Thoros talk him into coming to one of the loudest and most colorful events known to man, and Arya was equally regretting thinking that Beric and Thoros would be good guides to her first Pride. She should have gone with literally anyone else.

When they finally made it back to the sno-cone stand, Hot Pie was munching on a sno-cone and staring at where a knot of people were gathered.

“Where’d Gendry go?” Arya asked.

“Well,” said Hot Pie, “the good news is that Lommy came back.”

“Well, where is he?”

Hot Pie pointed to the knot of people. “The bad news is that he gave Gendry whatever he’d been drinking, and now they’re doing that.”

Arya and Sandor turned to where Hot Pie was pointing and saw that Lommy had, indeed, returned--and he was dancing with a shirtless Gendry. It didn’t seem quite so out of place for Lommy to be strutting his stuff, but Gendry never danced, and he especially never danced shirtless. A crowd of people were whoo-ing and filming the whole thing.

“I don’t know what to do,” Hot Pie said.

Arya instantly whipped out her phone and started filming.

Sandor swatted at her phone. “Put that away. If they’ve taken what I think they have, they’ll be coming down real hard soon.”

“We don’t even know where Beric and Thoros are,” Arya pointed out.

Sandor considered this. It was too hard to follow the parade, and besides, there was no guarantee that Beric and Thoros were still on it. They may well have abandoned ship for something with more booze and a higher risk of injury.

And that’s when it struck him.

“Grab them,” he ordered Arya and Hot Pie. “I know where to find them.”

They persuaded Gendry and Lommy to stop dancing and come with them. Sandor led them to an open field, one that was sparsely populated. Some people were lying out on blankets and towels and some were dancing--but Sandor plowed past them and headed straight for where a group of the earlier fire-eaters were practicing their trade. With them were Beric and Thoros, who were holding lighters and bottles of jager.

“Put those away!” Sandor snapped. “You’re grown men, honestly, stop embarrassing yourselves.”

“They can do what they want!” a very drunk Arianne Martell insisted. “It’s Pride, which means that we should all celebrate who we are.”

“Not by singing off your damn eyebrows.”

Arianne pointed an accusatory finger at him. “Hey! Viserys’s eyebrows grew back eventually, and now he looks fine!”

“He still looks like he has a bad smell under his nose,” Renly pointed out.

Arianne nodded. “That’s true, he does. But his eyebrows are fine.”

“Are they?” Loras muttered.

Sandor yanked the lighters away from Beric and Thoros. “No more. Do what you want on your own time, but I’m not gonna let you leave these roofied up teenagers stranded because you’re both idiots.”

“Who’s roofied?” Beric asked, blinking.

“The two who are dancing.”

For Lommy and Gendry were, indeed, dancing again. Arianne whoo-ed them and began dancing too.

“Gee, Sandor, why did you let someone roofie them?” Thoros demanded. “They’re just kids.”

Sandor facepalmed. “Just give us the keys so I can take them home.”

Beric and Thoros exchanged looks.

“Well…”

“About that…”

“It would appear that um…”

“In the course of certain events….”

“Which definitely DID NOT involve a kegstand…”

“We sort of...misplaced...said keys.”

Sandor was seething. “You lost the keys?”

“Yeah, so we were just planning to take an uber home or something,” said Beric.

Sandor facepalmed against. “These kids are roofied, Dondarrion!”

“Oh, and you’ve never dealt with a roofied person before,” Thoros said with a deadpan expression.

“I’m not leaving these kids in a dumpster the way I did you, Thoros.”

“Wait,” Arya said suddenly. “I think I have an idea.”

It took a while, so by the time the minivan pulled up, Gendry and Lommy were already passed out. She and Sandor loaded the two boys in and then climbed in with Beric and Thoros. Arianne, Renly, and Loras followed them inside, sitting on the floor when there were no seats left.

“Hi, Beric,” Jeyne Poole said in what she clearly thought was a seductive voice.

“Jeyne,” he said tiredly. “I have a boyfriend.”

“I don’t mind sharing.” Jeyne glanced in the rearview mirror. “Everyone settled in? Let’s go!”

“Can you drive more slowly?” Loras asked. “I might be sick.”

“You will not get sick in my parents’ car,” Jeyne said sternly.

“Too late,” Renly said cheerfully.

Arianne snapped what had to be the worst selfie she’d ever taken. “Happy Pride, everyone!”

#fic by me #moon of my life

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