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loveinthewriteway · 7 years

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I'm Gonna Marry Her Anyway (Chapter 14: Denial)

Other chapters | 1DFF Maraming salamat - thank you very much Lumpia - Filipino egg roll, bomb as fuuuu Anak - term of endearment for a child Ano - what Matakow - greedy, usually teasing when someone wants food too much Tito - uncle (doesn’t have to be by blood, usually referred to an older man out of respect) Mahal na mahal kita - I love you very much Sisig - Filipino dish, usually pork based (also, bomb as fuuuuu) Bakla - gay --- I wasn’t expecting to see Zayn so soon after I cut things off. It was the Sunday after we went to LACMA together. He kept his promise with attending a Catholic mass, specifically, at the church where I sing for every week. I didn’t see him until, well, he was walking out the doors. My heart sunk. But what was I expecting, him to approach me? I hate that I doubted every song I sang that day, wondering if I impressed him at all. Since then, we haven’t talked. Or communicated at all - no texts, calls, e-mails. Nothing. It’s been hard, to say the least. Focusing on school has been the best option for me to move forward. Some people would think that all this shit happening to me is terrible timing since it was the time of my midterm exams, but I found it to be perfect. Dedicating more of my time into studying distracted me from this nonsense. It also made me realize how much work heavily affected my study habits. Although it took more effort and it was significantly more difficult, I managed to catch up in my classes and do well in my midterms. If I keep this up, I should be back to “Straight A Student Mary” on the Dean’s List. Surprisingly, Harry is one of the biggest contributions to me doing well in school. We still haven’t really talked about what we are exactly, but that hasn’t stopped him from coming around. He quizzed me with flash cards, gave me back rubs during my study breaks, and snuck kisses when my dad and lola weren’t looking. (No, we haven’t gone past kissing - not since he rejected me last time. But whatever, it’s not like Harry has really tried or anything… Yes, I’m bitter. Yes, I know I shouldn’t be. Let me be petty, please.) It almost feels like he lives with me since he’s here all the time. My dad doesn’t complain, especially since Harry helps clean the house and water lola’s garden. It’s pretty cute, actually. What I really like is how he just knew when I needed to focus. He never tried talking to me or distracting me - hell, Harry kindly told Tatay that I was busy studying when he was about to nag me about laundry. Somehow, my dad didn’t kick him out of the house like Uncle Phil with Jazz in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Styles charm, I guess. When I would be studying, Harry usually tried to read one of my textbooks - but that usually never lasted very long. Some things really never change: his short attention span, constant curiosity, unwavering optimism, selflessness. However, there are many things that I never noticed before when we were younger. The way his eyes are trained on me every time we talk, how often he pinches his bottom lip absentmindedly, the distinct smile on his face - only when he sees me. I’ve grown to love how he always rests his chin on top of my head when he holds me, and how his body is always warm. All right, I’ll admit… Harry is my favorite distraction. “Hello? Mary, are you not listening to me again?” I blink, realizing that I’ve spaced out for the majority of my phone call with my best friend. Oops. “Um. No. I’m listening, Niall.” “Hm, okay. So what do you think I should do? Give her my number or nah?” “Nah. You deserve better,” I easily reply, putting my phone on speaker so I can start picking my outfit for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow night. When Niall lets out an obnoxiously loud sigh of frustration, I’m grateful I put the phone down since it probably would’ve damaged my hearing. “I fucking knew you weren’t listening. I was talking about work, you asshole!” I can’t help but snicker. “Okay okay, sorry! I’m just… there’s a lot on my mind.” Niall quickly snaps, “Yeah, there was a lot on mine too. But you wouldn’t know because your ass wasn’t listening!” Before I can ask him to repeat everything he said (contrary to what he thinks, I actually do care), his tone softens, “Thinking about Zayn?” I drop my sweater, caught off guard. Quickly recovering, I bring the phone back to my ear and hiss, “Again, Niall. I don’t want to talk about him.” “Mary, you’ve been leaving me in the dark for weeks. All I’ve gathered - on my own, mind you - is that Zayn is in love with you and not Perrie. But he’s gonna marry her anyway.” I’m ready to hang up, but my friend knows better when he hastily stops me, “Mary, wait! Sorry. It’s just… it’s hard working here without you.” This makes me quietly sigh. “How is it going? Their wedding?” “It’s… it’s going.” Niall is quiet for a couple beats, and I can already picture him frustratedly tugging on his hair. “Perrie hasn’t been meeting her deadlines. I’ve been trying to turn to Zayn instead but…” “Please don’t.” My mouth moves on its own, even though part of me wants to know how he’s doing. Thankfully Niall obeys, instead talking more about how my old co-workers miss me and how much of a twat Lydia is. Although I’m listening a little more intently than earlier, the thought of Zayn has me reconsidering what - more like, who - my favorite distraction really is. *** I almost drool at the sight of my plate full of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes ham, and lumpia. There was definitely more food to choose from, but there wasn’t enough room on my plate. I deserve this, okay? I busted my ass studying for midterms, and I’m confident in all of them. Treat. Yo. Self. My mouth is already open, ready for my spoon full of heavenly goodness, but Tatay elbows me. It all falls back into my plate, and I don’t bother hiding my look of shock and annoyance. He doesn’t seem to notice, or chooses to disregard it (probably the latter), when he mutters, “Anak. Lead the… um…” “Tay. We already prayed. Please let me eat.” “No no… ano… everyone says what they want to thank?” I try to not face palm. When was Tatay so sentimental? He really wants to do that thing where people say what they’re grateful for? “Can we at least eat while people are talking?” “Yes yes, you’re so matakaw!” I ignore my dad’s jab, because hey, he’s not wrong. But listen, the last thing I ate was a bagel this morning because I was busy helping cook dinner. And I don’t know whose bright idea it was to have Harry lead the prayer, because he may as well have lead an entire hour of mass. I clear my throat and use my spoon to tap my glass, gathering everyone’s attention. “Hi everyone! Thank you all for joining us, I hope you’re enjoying the food!” Although my tone is sugary sweet and fake as hell, my family easily buys it and claps. A lot more people came than I expected, which meant that greeting everyone took twice as long. Although I definitely don’t know everyone by name, it’s a Filipino requirement to hug and bless (we take an elder’s hand and place it on our forehead as a sign of respect) everyone. Again, more reasons as to why I’m so damn hungry! “While we’re all eating, let’s go around and say what we’re grateful for,” I “excitedly” clap my hands, and gesture towards my dad, “Tay, how about you start?” He throws me a tossed look, but I simply smile and rub his shoulder. He coughs and is quiet for a moment before beginning, “I’m -” I interrupt and encourage him to stand up, because I’m petty. Tatay purses his lips at me but obliges anyway. “I’m grateful for many things. The roof over our head, my job, this food, and all of you. But I do want to say…” My dad turns to me, the corners of his mouth slightly quirked (this definitely surprises me because I’ve been a little shit to him). “Mary. Anak, thank you for everything you’ve done for this family. You work so hard in your studies, but… you always put family first. Thank you.” When everyone in the dining room starts clapping again, I feel like Tatay just won an Oscar and thanked me in his acceptance speech. Ever since I left my job, my dad and I have been the closest - ever since my mom died. We may express ourselves in different ways, or not at all, but hearing something like this from him truly uplifts my spirit. I try to hide my teary eyes (unfortunately, I can’t blame my emotional and simpy self on my period because it ended last week), but this is unsuccessful when Harry places his hand on my bare thigh. “It’s true, you know,” Harry whispers next to me when Tita Alma starts speaking. My face heats up, along with the spot he touches. Because everyone in my family is extra and truly do sound like they’re presenting an Oscar acceptance speech, I have time to indulge in the food I helped cook. Hell, I’m sure I have time to get seconds and dessert since Harry’s ass is probably gonna take a million years. When it’s his turn, unfortunately he murmurs to me before standing up, “Mary, you’re staying for mine, right?” “I… um…” I trail off, but then I see his wide, hopeful eyes and pouting lips. Yeah, I’m done for. “Yes. Of course.” He beams before clearing his throat. “Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Maraming salamat to all of you, especially Tito Danny for welcoming us to his home.” Here I was thinking I was special when my dad grinned at me, but nope. Tatay is giving Harry a close mouthed smile (which shouldn’t make me feel immaturely jealous, but it does). Harry runs his hands through his hair, something he does when he’s nervous. It’s strange though, he’s usually a natural when talking to a big group - especially our family. Then he nods at Tito Boy, who abruptly leaves the dining room. Maybe he’s going to finally grab the alcohol… yasss. “Um… I also want to thank your daughter, Tito Danny.” My brows furrow, because hello, I’m right here. Just say my name. “I know we… we talk already but. I just want to make sure this is okay, one last time.” My head whips towards my dad, who is already nodding. What is going on? “Harry, what are-” “Wait,” Harry cuts me off, earning a glare from me in response. He easily sends me a knowing smile, seemingly not as intimidated by me as he used to be. “I want to say that thank you to you too, Mary. Being with you has made me the happiest I have ever been.” My eyes widen, definitely not expecting this. “You’re one of a kind. You are hardworking, and…” he trails off, scratching the back of his head, “ano ambisyoso in English?” “Ambitious!” Tita Alma exclaims, sounding like she’s on the verge of tears for some reason. “Ambitious,” Harry affirms, turning towards me and brushing some of my hair off of my face. “You inspire me, and help me be better. You changed my life, and I want to be with you for a long time…” My head tilts in confusion, not entirely sure where this is coming from. Still, I think more about how Harry’s English has has improved impressively. However, once Tito Boy finally returns to the dining room holding a Scrabble board, my jaw drops to the ground once I read the letters. WILL U MARRY ME I barely have time to process this, because before I know it, Harry is on one knee in front of me. The Scrabble board replaces my empty plate in front of my seat. My family is loud with cheers and whistles, but all I can focus on is him. Harry Melchor Styles. The boy who was always by my side when we grew up in the Philippines. The boy who killed cockroaches for me, even though I found out that they were his biggest fear and he never wanted to tell me. The boy who chose easy hiding places during Hide-and-Seek so I can win. The boy who swore to protect me at all costs, and still hasn’t broken his promise. The man with a soprano singing voice and happy-go-lucky personality that perfectly complements my alto vocals and strict planning mindset. The man who is always smiling and has the most sincere heart. The man who puts everyone before himself, except now - when he wants me to be his. “Please be my wife, Mary Bandong,” Harry finally says after I stare at the board in awe. I don’t realize tears are rolling down my cheeks until he reaches over to wipe them. “If you say yes, I will be the most supportive and loyal partner. If you say yes, I will try to make you as happy as you make me - because you deserve it.” I’m breathless. “If you say yes, I’ll… I’ll be the luckiest man on the planet,” he breathes, his eyes glistening in tears too. “Mahal na mahal kita, Mary.” The room finally falls quiet, and everything is still - my heart, my mind, the entire world. If only time worked that way. What I need is everything to legitimately be still. There is too much happening right now, and my mind can’t properly process what’s going on. But knowing my family… any answer that isn’t an enthusiastic “Yes!” is equivalent to no. I owe it to Harry to save face. I ignore the tug at my heartstrings, and do what I know is right during this time. My body has been frozen for what seems like hours. Finally, my eyes divert away from Harry’s hopeful ones and towards the bag of Scrabble letters next to the board. My hand shakes a bit when I reach over to grab and hastily dig through it. Once I find the three letters I’m looking for, I place them onto the board underneath his proposal that took up the entire middle row. I DO I only have a second to let out the breath of air I’ve been holding, because I’m instantly brought to my feet and pulled into Harry’s tight embrace. My entire house is roaring in excitement, but it feels like it’s only Harry and me right now. He pulls away just a bit, his eyes drinking me in entirely. My heart skips a beat when Harry wears that smile he only has when he’s looking at me. He shyly closes the gap between us, and I’m grateful he did. Not necessarily because I want to though… while that is true to an extent, I’m mostly glad that our kiss prevented him from seeing that my tears that differ from his own of joy. My tears were from sadness and guilt. *** What better way to solve my problems than with alcohol? Regardless, I didn’t have much of a choice. If there’s anything you need to know about the Bandong family (by the way, this isn’t limited to blood relatives, oh no - this includes my cousins’ cousins, in-laws, neighbors, babysitters, dentists, behind-the-wheel DMV instructors…), we know how to get down. (Or, what is the new term kids use nowadays? Get lit? Turn the fuck up? Whatever.) Filipinos are a perfect example of the whole “get you a girl who can do both” (more like, get you a person who can do both - to be more gender inclusive). By day: We are known to be very hard workers, pursuing careers in competitive fields (read: medical), and excelling in academics. By night: We are known to start drinking as early as 4 PM, taking shots of Grey Goose like water, drunkenly singing karaoke (no matter how drunk, we’ll always have great singing voices somehow), and dancing to “Achy Breaky Heart” for half an hour straight. It’s pretty much a double whammy today - Thanksgiving and celebrating that dear ol’ Danny’s daughter, Mary, is finally getting married. To the ever so perfect Harry, her childhood friend. More like a triple whammy, because we’re also celebrating that this means Harry will be a legal US citizen once we’re married. I swore to take a shot or two because I was ready to slip into a food coma after all that turkey. But… one shot became three. And then ten. Or something. I don’t know, I’m at the point of being so far gone that I am in 100% denial that I’m drunk. By the way, I’m not drunk. I’m just closing my eyes to say a prayer. Thank you Lord for my family, sisig, and tequila. “Are you sayin’ ‘nother prayer, Mary?” I hear Niall mumble against my shoulder. Oh yeah, because Filipinos “are lit as fuck” (direct quote by Niall), my friend tends to crash my family parties often. I don’t mind, and my family doesn’t seem to mind either since Niall hooks it up with a shitload of beer. (Tatay also still thinks that Niall is bakla, so he’s not a threat.) “Mmmmhm…” “That’s like, your thirteenth one.” I snort, opening my eyes just to roll them. “Niall, please. Do you know how many times you have to say the ‘Hail Mary’ prayer during the rosary? There’s no limit with prayers, excuse you.” He scoffs and adjusts his body so he’s laying completely on this small couch, his legs resting on my lap. I’m definitely not drunk, but I’m regretting that last shot I just took. My head is starting to spin, and Shrek on the TV screen is looking even more ugly than he’s supposed to look. I grumble, squinting my eyes so my vision can somewhat adjust. “Why the… why the fuck are we watching Shrek?” “Dunno. Are there any Thanksgiving movies?” “Ugh. Don’t know. Maybe like, Charlie Brown?” Niall thoughtfully strokes his chin and asks, “Isn’t that… isn’t that a dance move in the ‘Cha Cha Slide?’ I never know what to do in that part.” This was said genuinely and not as a joke, which makes me laugh so hard that he falls off the couch. “That’s what you first think of? The motherfucking ‘Cha Cha Slide?!’ Not the boy with Snoopy?” I’m shrieking at him through my laughter, which I immediately stop once I realize how strikingly similar it is to all of my titas. My God, am I becoming one of them? Yikes. The Shrek scene playing right now is when Lord Farquaad is interrogating the Gingerbread Man, which honestly isn’t even that funny, but for some reason I can’t stop laughing. Lord Farquaad is taunting the Gingerbread Man with his broken off legs, “Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man!” When the Gingerbread Man squeals in his shrill voice, “You’re a monster!” and the “No, not the buttons!” I pretty much lose it. I’m crying tears of laughter, not even caring that my makeup is probably ruined at this point. Niall doesn’t seem to think it’s as hilarious, probably because I still haven’t helped him off the floor. I look around, trying to find someone to laugh with because this isn’t that fun alone. No matter how drunk I am. Wait, I’m not drunk. Anyways. Even though I spot Harry not too far away, he’s just not the person I want to talk to right now. In fact, the person I want to talk to isn’t even here. And I haven’t talked to him in, well, months. I think. I might regret this but… come on, it’s the Gingerbread Man. I unlock my phone and scroll to the bottom of my contact list, pressing call without a second thought. “Mary?” I’m definitely not expecting him to answer so damn quickly, so I gasp in surprise. I clear my throat, remembering my mission here. “Ahem. D-do you know… the Muffin Man?” His hearty laugh makes me smile really big, but I hastily recover into concentration. My purpose is important here. “Did you mean to call me, Mary?” I nod. “Hello?” Oh wait, he can’t see me. That makes me sad. “What makes you sad?” Oops, I think I’m thinking out loud. “That you can’t see me.” And I’m talking without a filter, I guess. He lets out a deep sigh, and I can imagine him running his hands through his messy hair in frustration. Maybe I shouldn’t have called. “No no… I’m glad you did.” Maybe I am drunk. I don’t even know what I’m thinking or what I’m actually saying. “Are you okay -” “Zayn!” I cut him off, because again, I can’t lose sight of my mission. “I asked you a question… Do you know the Muffin Man?!” It’s quiet for a couple beats, and I almost think he hangs up. Damn, mission failed. “The Muffin Man?” He repeats in the same tone as Lord Farquaad in the scene of Shrek. I manage to stifle my ugly tita cackling with quiet giggles, which Zayn seems to echo through the phone. “The Muffin Man,” I affirm with a nod, even though his ass can’t see me. “Yes, I know the Muffin Man… who lives down on Drury Lane?” Zayn is playing along so perfectly, I think I start crying again. “Well, she’s married to the Muffin Man…” “The Muffin Man?!” I shout, not giving a shit if I sound delusional, “The Muffin Man!!!” At this point, I’m not even disguising my unattractive laughter and hysterics anymore. I haven’t heard Zayn laugh this hard before, and I’m pretty sure it’s his first time hearing me too. We take a couple moments to catch our breath. “I wish you were here,” I whisper, sadness overwhelming me all of the sudden. My head is pounding again, and my lips begin to quiver. Simply put, I’m a hot ass mess who went from laughing at Shrek to sobbing over my complicating love life. Zayn finally says in a low voice, “I can be, if you want.” That’s when I finally realize that that’s all I’ve wanted this entire time. --- Hiiii friends, it’s definitely 3 AM here but I wanted to post this before I left for my retreat this weekend!!! Sorry this is shitty sigh. Wow, what a pleasant surprise to have received some new reviews for this despite not updating for awhile??? I thought this fic was long forgotten so yay welcome :) I’m going to try my absolute best to keep working on this, it’s just hard juggling more than one fic ah how do y’all do it? You may recognize the Gingerbread drabble from awhile back! I decided to alter it so it fit Thanksgiving instead because it fit the chapter well, and I’m honestly pretty proud of it. So why not make it canon, eh? Anywho! For the first time ever, one of my fics was featured ahhhh!!! I would appreciate if you read my author’s note at the end of this chapter of Here :) And this story if particular got nominated for Best Love Triangle in the Rooftop Awards O M G honestly I’m shook?! Please vote for your faves here, hopefully this fic is one of them :’) Last day to vote is today!!! Please tell me what you think of: -Harry’s Scrabble proposal, and Mary & Harry’s relationship overall -Mary’s bond with her family, specifically her dad -the Charlie Brown part in the Cha Cha Slide (not but really, what do y’all do??? I just stand there, confused lmao) -Mary being a hot ass mess over Shrek LMAO I still don’t know how I thought of that, bye -favorite line, favorite scene, predictions, anythaaaanggGggGg Aiiiiight I’m tired. Love y’all, thanks for reading :) - Angel P.S. Yes, I changed Harry’s middle name to a Filipino name. I’ve expressed this on Tumblr before, but I honestly regret not using another Filipino face claim for Harry’s character. This was written back in 2013 and I was ignorant of the opportunity to have proper Filipino representation, so I sincerely apologize.

#lmao wow #4 am #it's 4 fucking am #but listen i was determined to finish thi before i left and ifucking did yo #but now i'm tired djfksjfkdjfd #pls read this i would greatly appreciate it #it would be awesome to come back from my retreat with reviews maybe?? :))))#ok i sleepy bai bai #igmha #1dff #one direction fanfiction #one direction #harry styles #zayn malik #niall horan #woc fic #1d woc #harry styles woc fic #zayn malik woc fic

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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs: june, week one

the songs that debuted on the 6.3.2017 and 6.2.2007 editions of the billboard hot 100 discussed herein with an appropriate enthusiasm

6.2.2007

33) "Do You Know? (The Ping Pong Song)/Dimelo," Enrique Iglesias

Maybe my earbuds just suck, but the ping-pong ball was disappointingly low in the mix. I needed that ping-pong ball to be the only instrumentation here. Like, the standard Enrique Iglesias drama, but instead of All The Producing, it's just a cascade of ping-pong balls, bouncing arrythmically as our boy has emotions. Like, if ypu're gonna be a bad song, don't play it safe with the novelty noises. Own that ping-pong shit. Throw in some ping-pong metaphors, give shout-outs to the best ping-pong players in the world. You can't just call your song "The Ping-Pong Song" and expect to get away with it, you gotta earn that shit.

91) "Bubbly," Colbie Callait

Comfort food is an important part of a balanced diet. You want to be healthy all the time, but part of being healthy, for me at least, involves keeping a thing of Ben & Jerry's in my freezer. I KNOW I'm gonna need that ice cream at some point, y'know? This weekend, when my computer stopped accessing the Internet, I said nuts to the world, I put some Mario streams on my phone, and when I got bored of those, my DVD player figured out a way to play Beauty & the Beast on a loop without me telling it to, so I could just turn my TV on. Critical thought is important, especially as we slide further into an authoritarian society, but sometimes, you gotta say 'fuck it' and accept a nice thing as a nice thing. "Bubbly" is that nice thing. It's barely anything, but it's nice what it barely is.

93) "I Need You," Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

This is "Whiskey Lullaby" for beginners (yes bob that is a sad country duet also) yes thank you I’m a good at critic-sizing, but can we take a moment to appreciate that TIm McGraw & Faith Hill have duets that charted in 1997, 2007, and 2017? Think of all the loves we've lost. Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. Rhea Pearlman and Danny DeVito. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. And all throughout, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill remain a constant. Like, it hurt when Rhea and Danny broke up because they were perfect, but if I'm being honest, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill is the couple I need to stay together forever. I honestly don't know if I could ever let myself fall in love if I knew Tim McGraw and Faith Hill ever fell out of love. I need them to make an "I Need You" every year for the rest of my life. I don't need to hear it? But I need them to make it.

96) "The Great Escape," Boys Like Girls

In 2007 we let pop bands with heteronomrative names make hit songs. Anyway, the song, it's bad. It's like a Yellowcard song by people whose sense of music history only goes as far back as Yellowcard. Honestly, this might be the worst song of 2007. There's been a lot of rap tracks trying to start dance crazes, by dancing is an inextricable part of hip-hop, the genre is nothing without the occasional "Chicken Noodle Soup," y'know? And KaraDioGuardi is trash, but she has noble aspirations: she is trying to infuse pop starlets with attitude, and while she fails horribly, there's at least noble aspirations. This song stands for nothing. It's riding the coattails of the mid-aughts emo wave, a trend we were making fun of AS IT WAS HAPPENING, nothing about it is original or spun in an interesting way or even delivered convincingly, it's just a shitty song with a chorus that would be rousing if any of these dudes had something like charisma behind which a crowd might rally, it's, it's nothing! It's less of a thing than Joe, and Joe was just a dude named Joe! I hate this song and I hate that I'm going to make myself listen to another Boys Like Girls song.

97) "Bleed it Out," Linkin Park 99) "Given Up," Linkin Park

These were almost good songs! Linkin Park is much better at being a rock band than they are emotional balladeers, and they have something going with both of these songs, like those hand-claps really make you feel like Linkin Park is about to hit you with some hot rock sing-a-long action, and then... dude just kinda screams about how much pain he feels? OK, that's not fair to "Bleed it Out," "Bleed it Out" is legit hot, that's one of the rare times that the rapper in Linkin Park is absolutely on his game. He's not a great rapper, but dude knows how to blend in with a great song. And Screams McGee (his name is Chester Bennington, you know I know who he is) can be a compelling vocalist! He does a few subtle things in "Given Up" that make him sound legitimately damaged and frustrated before the song devolves into him screaming "put me out of my misery!" Maybe I just needed this to be good just so I wasn't too bummed out after enduring "The Great Escape," but y'know what, Linkin Park? Not that shitty. Still pretty shitty, but there's enough here that I like that I’m not gonna call it an utter angstfest.

should i still publish top 20s if there are no changes. is there any instructive value to the top 20 even if things did change. 20) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 19) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 18) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 17) "Get Me Bodied," by Beyonce (5.26.2007) 16) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) alright, 2017. the bar has been set. can you produce one song better than “bubbly?” i see you’re giving me another imagine dragons banger. i’m not confident in your ability to get this w.

6.3.2017

62) "Rollin," by Calvin Harris ft./Future & Khalid

I appreciate the work Calvin Harris has done this spring to get our most morose pop artists to get funky. I don't really remember Khalid, but I do remember not feeling "Location," and he was much better with a song that felt like something, and I don't think I can name a Future verse delivered with higher energy than this. (There's so many, though. I might well be forgetting like seven Future songs.) I'm not here to call it great, it might end up fading from memory completely like "Heatstroke" did (I liked it, right? It's #20 before I dip into the rest of the debuts, but I recall liking it), but, y'know, funky. Calvin Harris is like the only pop megastar insisting that we boogie, and however disposable his music ends up being, his mission is one I can get behind.

80) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez

"This is a pretty dope baseline!" Bob thought on his way to Wikipedia, where he was informed this is a Julia Michaels joint sampling Talking Heads. This is great. Like, David Byrne had to think this was good in order for it to be made, I am not quite sure what I come to this space to do, but I know it's not to disagree with David Byrne.

92) "Whatever it Takes," by Imagine Dragons

this is the same song as "thunder" was the same song as "believer." like they made three songs about how awesome it is to be famous, except this song is about how imagine dragons will be imagining dragons so hard to maintain the level of fame which they have attained, because: being famous: is good. no entity has wasted more of my time this year than imagine dragons. and i had to listen to an entire drake album! i mean this! how many more of these songs do i have to listen to? how many of these songs do they have LEFT?

93) "Felices Los 4," by Maluma

If the rousing success of "Despacito" means we're getting more Latin pop on the charts, I am absolutely down. And if a new Latin pop explosion means we get more songs about polyamory, as the basic English translation I have found leads me to believe this is, I am SO DOWN. This is a chipper and fun song about saying "The more the merrier!" when your girl finds a new boy. It's the epitome of a chilled-out groove. "It doesn't matter what they'll say, we like it like this." DAMN SKIPPY. Maluma will not be kink-shamed. I like what I'm 90% sure this song is. Give me more songs about people on different areas on the ever-expanding spectrum of human sexuality. I expect an asexuality anthem by the time we're through, 2017.

95) "No Promises," by Cheat Codes ft./Demi Lovato

Who are Cheat Codes? Like, legit, if I'm gonna complain about the slop of dudes churned out by Nashville, I should also call out the endless parade of dudes at soundboards constructing their tool-assisted pop songs. Does Cheat Codes have any artistic identity? Am I supposed to have left this song having learned something new about the world, or at least heard familiar noises used in a new and fun way? Like, "Bad Liar" wasn't an earth-shatteringly epic statement of purpose, but it used the "Psycho Killer" bassline in modern setting, and that made me want to see who made it. I can't tell you who Cheat Codes are from their music. I don't get the feeling they got into music as an avenue of self-expression, I think the goal is to make formless, unidentifiable dance noises, and that's intensely disappointing. (Demi Lovato's here, too. It's not her fault this song is bad. She tries her darndest.) I can't say what Cheat Codes bring to the table to justify listening to Cheat Codes instead of anything else that's ever existed.

98) "Ghost in This House," as performed by Lauren Duski

So next week is a big week for American Idol, five Idol songs on the chart, and I'm sure the The Voice finale is gonna put more than one song on the chart, so that’ll be a fun comparison. Big couple weeks coming up for reality singing competitions! This is a nice performance of a country song with which I'm unfamiliar, being sung by an attractive blonde with something like a unique voice. It's nothing I'd ever vote for, but I completely get how it ended up in my list of things to do today. Finally: a white country singer is going to win a reality singing competition. Been, what, three months since the last time? TOO LONG.

100) "Me Enamore," by Shakira

It would have been so easy for this to feel like seven dudes in suits screaming FUCK LATIN POP'S BACK WE HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO WRITE A TRACK FOR SHAKIRA, but man, Shakira's just too reliable a pop music entity to let it go down like that. It's basic, simple stuff, "me en-na-na-more" is nowhere near the thundering statement of purpose that is "des... pa... ci-to," but y'all need something basic done right, you call in a pro, and Shakira's a consummate professional. It's hard to tell if I'm reacting to the actual performance or to the band name, but as far as I can sort out, Shakira brings a joy and personality to a song that might've been listless in less capable hands.

Hey! New blood in this Top 20! 20) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 19) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 18) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 17) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 16) "Felices los 4," by Maluma (6.3) 15) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 14) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 13) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 12) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 11) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 10) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 9) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) I underestimated you, 2017!

Who won the week?

2017! I don’t know what I’m supposed to say in this section so I’ma just bounce, great work today some of you, next week we’re gonna revist “Lip Gloss.”

2017: 6 2007: 4

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