#from perfectionism to difficulty setting boundaries to sometimes even an inability to leave the house

[mars-ipan]

i’ve been trying to get more comfortable with calling myself disabled

#marzivents #<- not really a vent but i still want it to go somewhere #i’m not nervous about it in a prideful way #i’m nervous about it in an imposter syndrome way #i went so long being undiagnosed that i still kinda forget that yeah i’m not making it up #and even though my anxiety does get so bad that it actively impedes on my life sometimes #from perfectionism to difficulty setting boundaries to sometimes even an inability to leave the house #(thank you covid for the agoraphobia. i will murder you with my bare hands) #i still feel. weird calling myself disabled #i feel almost like i’m ‘not disabled enough’ #which. obviously is internalized ableism #anxiety especially is one of those mental illnesses that people say are ‘just normal emotions’ #because they cannot fathom someone feeling an emption stronger or differently or more frequently than them apparently #so ig that’s why i tend to feel more ‘normal’ (big air quotes) and like i don’t deserve to call myself disabled #but uh. yeah no The Symptoms are definitely disabling #like i have to avoid certain things (usually tic or migraine triggers) or take things a lot slower bc of it #and that’s. disability accomodation #but idk. i’m not actively dying so i feel like i’m being dramatic or smth #i’m getting better at understanding that i am disabled and not faking it though #which is. good #i imagine it’ll just take some practice and time

[crikekenya]

HANDLING PARENTAL BURNOUT

Parenting can be wonderful. However, it also can be stressful, and when parents lack the resources needed to handle stressors related to parenting, they may develop parental burnout. Parental burnout is a state of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. Parental burnout can be a result of exhaustion caused by continual exposure to emotionally or physically demanding situations over a prolonged period. What characterizes burnout among parents in this context is when life can become overwhelming due to long-term fatigue because of constantly meeting the demands of the child / children (spouse).

Although parental burnout can affect anyone at any time, it is common among parents who have children or family members with a long-term illness and behavioural issues. It can also be triggered by the stress of parenting alone or introducing a new baby to the family. Realistically any stressful situation in the family has the potential to cause burnout if not effectively managed.

When we think of burnout, we imagine someone who works long hours in a high-powered job that eventually catches up on them. We do not tend to think of ordinary people in all walks of life – from stay-at-home parents to those working full time. However, the reality is that burnout can affect anyone at any time. While researching this article, I discovered that the burnout you feel as a parent and the burnout you feel at work are two separate phenomena with similar symptoms. You can be totally detached from your kids and be well-functioning at work.

The World Health Organization recognized burnout as "a syndrome... resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed," and the new research suggests that parental burnout is not being successfully managed either. Society needs to take proactive steps to prevent parental burnout instead of expecting exhausted mothers and fathers to advocate for themselves and commit to self-care when they are already drowning in care work. It is time society recognizes that you do not have to be engaged in paid work to experience burnout. The unpaid work of parenting can take just as much of a toll as workplace stress and ignoring this adversely hurts families.

When the daily stress of parenting becomes chronic it can turn into parental burnout, an intense exhaustion that leads parents to feel detached from their children and unsure of their parenting abilities, according to research published in Clinical Psychological Science (2019). In the current cultural context, there is a lot of pressure on parents, but being a perfect parent is impossible and attempting to be one can lead to exhaustion. Parental burnout is an increasing problem in today’s society as the pressures of being successful at work and performing family responsibilities increases. Too much pressure on parents can lead them to exhaustion which can have damaging consequences for the parents. The consequences of unaddressed parental burnout have an unfortunate way of spilling over to children, spouses and relatives.

Parental burnout is likely the cause of escape ideation, parental neglect, and parental violence. It leaves parents feeling chronically fatigued, often experiencing sleep and concentration problems, and it can lead to depression, chronic anxiety, and illness. It is important to note that parental burnout does not discriminate on the basis of age or socio-economic status. Parents therefore; must be proactive in preventing parenting burnout.

Like job burnout, parental burnout comes with a set of specific symptoms. But what makes the problem worse is that parents are often ashamed and guilty about being burnt out. There’s a stigma associated with parental burnout. As a result, parents hide what they are going through, and do not reach out for practical and emotional support.

*SYMPTOMS OF PARENTAL BURNOUT*

• Overwhelming/ continued exhaustion. Typically one feel so drained that merely thinking of what they need to do for their children is exhausting. One has zero energy and don’t want to wake up to serve children in the morning.

• Feeling inefficient and loss of a sense of accomplishment related to parenting. This is accompanied by low self esteem as parent.

• Feeling emotionally distant from children (and other family members) This is a consequence of exhaustion, as parents pull back from managing their children’s day-to-day well-being and education. One can even have trouble showing children parental love.

• Decision fatigue: The inability to make simple personal and family decisions confidently.

• Irrationally irritated over minor situations. This might result to aggravated family conflicts. Emotional outburst is frequently experienced.

• Feeling no self-value or worth as a parent.

• Self-doubting as parent.

• Loss of productivity and pleasure in their parental role. One can no longer perform the usual parenting-related tasks and wish they could be something other than a parent.

• Change in behaviour. The exhaustion, detachment and loss of efficacy constitute a marked shift in the way a mother or father acts towards their children. This can result in child abuse.

• Other signs of burnout in parents include the following:

- Suicidal thoughts and escape ideation; feeling trapped

- Increase in addictive behaviours.

- Health issues.

- Higher risk of anxiety and depression.

- Irritability and frustration.

- Sleep disorders.

- Increased frequency and intensity of conflict between parent.

• Stress-increasing factors include

- Having a child with physical or mental health challenges

- Perfectionism: feeling you need to be the “perfect” parent at all times

- Lack of support from co-parent.

- Both parents working outside the home.

- Financial concerns.

- Not enough support from outside the family (childcare, extended family, etc.)

- Finding it hard to ask for help.

- Overscheduled kids.

- Parental history of attachment disorders.

THE RECOVERY PROCESS

The main difficulty with parental burnout compared with work-related burnout is that we cannot simply take a break from parenting to recover, making it even more important for parents to develop coping mechanisms and build resilience. Some of the suggested solutions to parental burnout include:

1. _Practicing self-care._ Although the phrase “self-care” is used constantly where someone is feeling overwhelmed or stressed, it is an important part on the road to recovering from burnout, particularly parental burnout. Make time for yourself. Remember, you are more than a parent, a spouse, or employee. You’re a whole individual with specific interests, needs, and forms of expression. Sometimes we need to be out with friends, riding our bikes, painting, or reading a book. Me Time is something we need to feel whole. Without it, we burn out.

2. _Manage stress._ Factors that decrease stress include;

- Parental self-compassion

- High emotional intelligence

- Prioritizing downtime for parent

- Positive co-parenting experiences

- External support from family, friends, etc.

3. _Ask for help._

It might be as simple as setting up ride-sharing for a child’s after-school activities. Or it could be something big, such as exploring residential treatment for a teen struggling with depression, anxiety, or another mental health challenge.

4. _Know you’re not alone_ . As research shows, parental burnout is common. Release shame and guilt—it’s not helping. Letting go of self-blaming will free up emotional energy that can be used to shift what’s not working.

5. _Practice self-compassion._

Self-compassion involves a consistent attitude of acceptance and kindness toward ourselves. Be compassionate towards yourself. Rather than criticize yourself, show compassion and recognize that you are fallible. Too much criticism can often lead to low-self esteem, irritability and eventually burnout. Taking this approach can help parents avoid the trap of perfectionism.

6. _Join a support group._ In support groups, parents can talk to others who understand the challenges, emotions, and practicalities that they’re dealing with every day. Time out for connection with others is important. Parenting can be isolating therefore make time to see your friends. This will contribute towards healthy relationships as well as reducing stress and burnout.

7. _Establish structure._ Parents can reduce burnout by establishing clear boundaries and house rules. This structure works best when it’s created collaboratively with teens, and based on open communication, trust, and unconditional love.

8. _Try to make sure your work environment is flexible to your parenting needs._ These days, many job responsibilities can be done from home. Negotiate that with your supervisor. Employees that are supported by their company remain loyal and get the job done. If your job is only available on site, ask your employer to be flexible to adjust your schedule to accommodate your parenting needs. Remember, you matter! Without you at your best, you and everyone around you are missing out. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, say what you need from others, and take time for yourself.

9. _Eliminate control battles._

Chronic parent-teen control battles use hugeb amounts of precious parental energy and yield poor outcomes. Control battles happen when you are trying to get your adolescent to manageb responsibilities and stop destructive behaviors, and your teen puts their efforts into resisting your efforts. Embrace dialogue with teenagers to minimize control battles.

10. _Avoid comparing yourself to other parents._

If you want to be happy, stop comparing yourself. Theodore Roosevelt once quoted ‘’Comparison is the thief of joy’’. It is very hard to compare ourselves to others as everyone is different and it only adds to pressure, stress, feelings of inadequacy and most importantly takes away the great work that you do as a parent.

11. _Do what works for you_ .

No one is perfect. If you notice you are putting added pressure on yourself to be ‘’the perfect parent’’ try let this go. Do what works for you and avoid worrying about what others think.

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Thank you

Stephen Kamore

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