#he cant afford to rely on others | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

strawberrysodaslut · 1 year

Note

may i request a joel miller fic pretty pretty please? 🥺🙏 maybe one where he has all these panic attacks and has no idea what is wrong with him but reader notices. at first she thinks like ellie: he’s having a heart attack but then realizes it’s not that and she uses the “5 things you can see” technique. obviously she doesn’t want to worry ellie or anything so every time she notices he’s having one of those panic attacks, she gently squeezes his hand a few times. the more it happens, the more joel feels “okay” about it and now, whenever he feels the fear creeping in, he looks for her and holds her hand for a bit because it grounds him 🥲 thank you 💕

Breathe - Joel Miller x GN!Reader

❛ ━━━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫･━━━━━━━━━ ❜

❛ ━━━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫･━━━━━━━━━ ❜

[main masterlist]

[joel miller masterlist]

❛ ━━━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫･━━━━━━━━━ ❜

word count: 2.2k

summary: when joel has his first panic attack, he relies on you to calm him down.

warnings: hurt to comfort, angst, completely SFW, panic attacks/anxiety, mentions of death, guns, no use of y/n and no pronouns directed at reader (i believe), mentions of a heart attack, might not be 100% medically accurate pls don’t use fanfiction as education especially in regards to health, reader kisses joel on the face but that can be either platonic or romantic depending on what you want

authors note: this was supposed to be a blurb… whatever i love it. this request was so cute i loved it, i wish someone was there to help joel though this so bad… also i am so excited to watch ep 7. it’s out now but i’m not watching it until later tonight and i CANT WAIT.

join taglist

❛ ━━━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫･━━━━━━━━━ ❜

The first time Joel had a panic attack, he swore he was dying.

He was standing watch while you and Ellie slept, sleeping bags huddled next to each other. His eyes trained on the hand you had resting on Ellie’s head. Fingers in between her hair as if you were stroking her, but it was perfectly still. A smile crossed his face. Even when you were sleeping, you still cared for Ellie.

Your hand drops slightly as Ellie stirs, rolling over in her sleep, but she subconsciously wraps her arms around your own, as if it’s her own personal teddy bear. He sighed, watching the silent bond between you two. Even unconscious, you were so kind, so caring. He wasn’t that. He’d made sure you knew, but you didn’t believe him. You made sure he knew that, too.

The peacefulness of the moment was rare, so rare it felt off putting to him. But it was a reminder to him of what he was protecting. The burdens he bore would be worth it to keep these moments. Even if it was only during sleep.

But those peaceful moments were not only rare, they were painstakingly fast.

A loud creak filled the small cave you had settled in, not loud enough to wake you, but loud enough to snap Joel out of any softness he was feeling. He couldn’t be soft, couldn’t afford it. Softness is weak. And him being weak means you and Ellie dead.

Gun in hand, Joel trudged his way out of the cave. He listened out for any clues to the source of the noise. It’s quiet now, but whatever made that sound is still there, he’s sure of it, and it’s his job to change that. He made his way around the trees, praying that even his deaf ear can pick up on any noises necessary.

It’s not long until he reached a creek, the rush of the water distracting him from other noises. It’s only then that Joel realised how thirsty he actually was, his throat growing drier as he looks at the water below him. He knows realistically he shouldn’t, but he can’t help but reach into the creek, scooping up the water into the cup of his hands and pouring it into his mouth, he sighs in relief as the cool liquid runs down his throat, feeling some relief.

Now, Joel may be deaf, but he’s able to hear the crunch of leaves from behind him.

He whips around, pointing his gun directly at the source of the sound, ready to protect Ellie, you, and himself from any harm coming from whatever is coming towards him. His eyes drop to find a small animal with two big ears and a lot of fluff… “Jesus Christ,” He mutters, lifting his hand to cover his mouth and swearing under his breath.

It’s a fucking rabbit.

Joel shakes his head in disbelief, staring down at the rabbit as it cautiously hops past him towards the creek, clearly looking to get its own hydration. He’s about to laugh to himself when he hears the same creak from earlier. Howver this time it’s much, much further from where he is. It’s where you and Ellie are.

His feet travel before he can even process what’s happening, fighting his joints to go faster as he goes uphill towards the cave. He’s desperate to get to you, having to stop himself from calling out in case that alerts anything else to your position. He can only hope he gets to you fast enough.

He only stops running once he gets to the cave’s entrance, finding you and Ellie asleep in the same position you were in when he left, unbothered by whatever the noise was. He stepped back outside the cave, listening out for anything that could’ve made that noise. A gush of wind comes through. It’s so strong that the trees are moving quite far, some rubbing on each other.

Wait…

Oh.

It’s the trees.

Joel sighs, but you being safe doesn’t bring him much relief. He looks back, and the two of you are dead to the world. That hadn’t been something dangerous, but it could’ve been. And you would’ve been sitting ducks. He wouldn’t have gotten there fast enough, he knew that. He was too slow. By the time he got to you, it would’ve been too late. You and Ellie would be gone.

His chest tightens.

You would be killed, or worse. God, you’d be so scared. All he can picture is the look on your and Ellie’s faces when you realise you were wrong to trust him, that he couldn’t keep you safe. That all those times he saved you he got lucky, they were flukes. He wasn’t any good at this. He’d gotten you killed.

He’s gonna get the both of you killed.

And he’s gonna be alone again.

His vision blurs as pain strikes him in the chest. He nearly doubles over, gripping to the rock of the cave for support. Breathing has no longer become an option. He gasps for breath, clutching his front.

Joel’s mind races. Is he dying? Is this it? No, he can’t be dying. He can’t leave the two of you alone.

Is Ellie going to find his body?

Tears roll down his face as he tries to stand, but it’s to no avail, only leading him to sink further into the ground, hunched over. A mixture of sobs and gasps for breath pours out of his mouth, begging for something- but he’s not sure what.

He jumps when he feels a weight on his shoulder, going to launch back, but whatever it is holding him keeps him steady. The surrounding sounds might be muffled, but he can still recognise your voice in the blur.

“Joel? Can you hear me? Joel?” You say, your voice just above a whisper, desperate to not wake up Ellie. “I need you to tell me, does it hurt here?” You say, guiding your hand to his left arm and squeezing, unable to hide the tremble in your voice as you do so.

Joel shakes his head, scrunching his nose. He can feel your body relax where you’re pressed behind him. “What’s- what’s happening to- me?” He wheezes, unable to catch enough breath to speak properly.

“It’s okay, you’re having a panic attack, you’re not dying.” You whisper, your voice much calmer now. You know he’s going to be fine. It’s now your job to calm him down. “Joel, can you tell me five things can see?” You ask, rubbing circles into his shoulder with your thumb.

Joel grunts, “Can I what?” He asks, his voice nearly unrecognisable from his normal tone.

“I’m just checking your eyesight.” You lie, knowing he wouldn’t be on board if you told him the real reason.

Joel’s head finally lifts from looking at the floor. He looks around slightly. “The- the trees.” He says in between his fights for breath.

You nod your head, muttering praise as you use the other hand to stroke his hair. “What else?” You ask.

“Uh- the- the grass, and the sky. The cave and- and you.” He turns his head slightly to look at your hand. His voice is shaking, matching how he trembles under you, his chest rising every half a second as he tries to breathe.

A sigh escapes from you as rest your forehead on the crook of his neck, fighting back your own tears as you try to guide him. “Doing so good Joel, how about four things you can feel?”

Joel’s hand quickly finds your arm, gripping it like a vice. His breathing has slowed down a little, but it’s nowhere near where it needs to be. “I can feel you.” He says, relaxing slightly into your touch. “I can feel my trousers, uh- the- the floor, and- my gun.” He says, alerting you to the rifle placed just at his side.

A part of you wants to move it, knowing how accidents can happen, but you worry that if you try, he’ll only get more freaked out. Joel’s gun is like his security blanket, it’d be too big of a risk to take it off of him now, leaving him more vulnerable than he already is.

“That’s great, Joel. How about hearing? Can you give me three things you can hear?” You ask, trying to keep your voice as gentle as possible, matching the tone you would use when approaching an animal.

Joel grumbles, “I’m fucking deaf.” He mutters, his voice losing some of the shakiness it had before.

A bubble of laughter forms in your chest at his words, but you don’t let it come out, opting for muttering ‘Just do your best’ instead.

His sobs quieten down as he tries to listen out for any noise, just as he does, another gush of wind blows, the trees making the same noise that started all of this. “The creaking of-of the trees.” He looks up at the trees, how they blow in the wind. His ears then focus on the light bubbling in the creek. He can hear it all the way up here. You whisper more praises into his ears, leading him to list your voice as the third thing.

You chuckle, your smile sitting on his skin like an anchor to him, making a smile of his own form. His breaths have almost completely evened out, but you continue. “What about two things you can smell?” You whisper, your hand finding his and funnelling through his fingers to hold.

Joel chuckles before he speaks. “Us. One, two.” He jokes, head leaning back against your body as he spoke. You can’t help but choke out a laugh and shake your head where it sits.

“Fair point.” Your smile pokes out as you speak. “One more, okay? What can you taste?” You ask, lifting your head from his neck and tilting it to get a look at his face. Even in the dark, you can see the streaks on his cheeks from his tears, one loose on rolling down. You take your free hand and wipe it away.

He pauses when you do so before looking back at you. “Creek.” He says, swallowing as he speaks.

Your brows furrow, wondering what he means. “Creek?” You repeat, making sure you heard him right. How can his mouth taste like creek?

Joel nods. “I drank some water from the creak earlier, felt good at the time, but now my mouth tastes like shit.” He says, nose scrunching as he focuses on the muddy flavour of his mouth, only slightly regretting the decision.

He revels in the laughter you release, still keeping quiet as to not wake up Ellie, but it’s a sound of pure joy. Your laughter slows down and you look at him again, the same care in your eyes as when you care for Ellie, so much warmth. “How are you feeling?” You ask, a pursed smile forming on your lips.

After a moment of thinking, Joel speaks, “I feel fine.” He says. Not missing the look of annoyance on your face when he says that, thinking that he’s just deflecting. “I mean it. I’m feelin’ much better now. That was… it was scary, but I’m okay now.”

You nod, telling him that if he ever feels that way again to come straight to you, and he did.

For the first time in however long you’ve known him, he actually listened to what you had to say. He was always careful about it. Ellie never found out what happened that night and he didn’t want to scare her.

So, whenever he felt an attack coming on, he’d wander over to you and slip his hand into yours, squeezing a few times to let you know what was going on.

In response, you would repeat the exact things you did that night, squeezing five times for him to count what he sees, then four, then three and all the way down to one. Sometimes it didn’t work immediately, and you would have to do some breathing exercises, but his episodes became much easier to manage when you were around.

It became pretty easy for you to figure out exactly what the cause of most of his panic attacks was. You couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt when you realised it was partly you. You fretted for a few days, trying to make sure that Joel knew you could take care of yourself. However, you quickly learned that this was just how Joel is, the eternal protector.

A few months after that night, you had learnt Joel was hiding his attacks from you at nighttime. He didn’t want to wake you up. You had woken up on your own accord to him trying to count the things on his own but still barely working.

After how much you had calmed him down, it was basically instinct to go over and slip into his sleeping bag. You held him as you helped him through the tail end of calming himself down.

Once he had calmed down, you pressed a small kiss to the spot just under his ear. You then made him promise that if he ever needed you, he’d wake you up. Just like he made you promise you’d do a long time ago.

Because while he made it his job to protect you, it was your job to protect him.

❛ ━━━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫･━━━━━━━━━ ❜

254 notes · View notes

900revolvingwheels · 29 days

Text

so this guy named kohlberg said that only about 20% of people achieve something called postconventional morality in which you no longer rely on society's values for your morality and morality is based on your own values. and he used the Heinz dilemma to determine who had postconventional morality where he basically asked "Heinz has a dying wife and he cannot afford the medicine that would save her, is it okay for Heinz to steal the medicine from a pharmacist?" and only about 20% of people said "it's fine because human life is more important than some pharmacist making money", which means those are the only people with postconventional morality. except most people (or at least definitely more than 20%) that i know now would agree that it was okay for him to steal the medicine. so then this creates two different possibilities: 1) more and more people are developing postconventional morality with time and/or 2) what is considered postconventional is completely different depending on your context. kohlberg did his little experiment during the 1950's and i'm sure that had he asked a group of communists, they would have all answered that it was moral for him to steal. does this mean that postconventional morality causes people to become communist, or does communism cause postconventional morality? can postconventional morality be learned? maybe we as a society are growing and getting better and developing more of an emphasis on valuing personal life over financial gain. then that would mean that if you live in a society where that is a conventional belief, believing Heinz's actions were moral puts you right back at conventional morality and there's nothing postconventional about it. yet there'd still be people in that same society who would argue that his actions weren't moral, because stealing is bad. would those people be considered less postconventional than others, or just having a different type of conventional morality? maybe certain conventional beliefs are more postconventional than others, but at what point does something stop being postconventional. because at some point it does stop. if there's different types of conventional moralities, then can there even be a postconventional morality? how do you find a question that is politically and socially neutral enough to not evoke different answers based on political thought. where do you draw the line between postconventional thought and someone who's just a freak. what about someone who usually has postconventional thought but occasionally falls back to conventional thought on certain issues. because no one can be fully postconventional all the time cause there's a reason certain beliefs are conventional, they make sense and are appealing. so basically all this to say that i think there's a third possibility and it's that kohlberg is annoying as hell and needs to shut up and postconventional morality is not a thing that even really exists or can be measured and i hate you kohlberg for saying that only 20% of people achieve postconventional morality because by saying that you are literally putting such a big limit on humans and our growth and basically saying "yeah you cant really get better than this sorry" and maybe instead of accepting that we will never achieve a certain level of thought we should strive to improve our world as much as we can!!!!! wtv.

#kohlberg

5 notes · View notes

redswaberkez · 4 months

Text

OKAY p1 doe and p1 fam hcs in general cuz im in a postal irritated mood and wanna liquid out my brains 💥💥💥 longread under the cut

- doe is 100% goth, dude is grungepunk industrial and redux is death metal (like nottem ehe)

- doe and dude are twins, doe is the older one in their duo. the difference in their and redux's age is HUUGE. Doe can supress dude's powers with her Older Twin energy. They have fights reaaally often in order to find out who is older one but they both know the truth. Just give them a reason and they will start a fight. dude is physically stronger ofc. But she supresses him morally HA. some time after the fights they braid each other's hair.

- redux cut his hair bc "NAAAWRR IM NOT LIKE THEM IM DIFFERENT" (all three of them are exactly the same but they wont admit it)

- redux is the main chaotic gremlin imp. i dont think that he uses his brains a lot. HE JUST ACTS. Doe and dude are more flat affected compared to redux and have more life experiences SO THERE IS NOTHING TO SMILE ABOUT ANYMORE. Also their foile a deux is horrordous and easily spreaded among them

- redux is an interned kid. He also loves to hang out with BD and Alt, to watch anime with them. his favorite part is when alt and bd start arguing on anime and fight until death. Dude with doe cant understand shit in redux's internet slang. The twins dont really like the internet or any ray-tech or smart bc They Are Spying. U kno.

- "do u remember when we used to be lil shits like redux?" "No." "Neither do i." (They were lil shits 5 mins ago)

- despite all in-family-fightings they will kill for each other. Pack of hyenas actually. Only god might help to the one who upset one of them. One of them takes care when another is struggling (decays morally aha) for whatever)) reason.

- their siblings bond is very strong. They can fully rely on each other. Yeah, redux doesn't look like someone who will do the job right or do it at all, but in fact, he is willing to do anything for his brother and sister. And they will do the same for him. Just dont ask what methods they used to achieve their goals

- they can communicate exclusively in vocal stims and erratives and understand each other perfectly

- redux steals doe's merch/oversized tshirts and doe steals dude's clothes. All of it. dude can't afford this entertainment because doe's and redux's clothes are too small for him.

- Doe once dyed her hair in black and helped redux to dye his hair in bright red. and who allowed them to test the hair dyes before use? Duuuude

- these anemic creatures loves to consume meat by-products such as liver or heart. Also it keeps the earth less hungry.

#fuck i love them theyre eating my whole medulla oblongata #impossible. my thoughts are coherent for one single time. im shoked #pdhc #p1 family

8 notes · View notes

martyrbat · 2 years

Note

martyrtodd, my beloved, I see your disability takes and as someone who is physically and mentally disabled I appreciate them and hold them close to my heart.

I humbly ask for some disabled Jason headcanons

goosey my beloved <3 im so glad you're enjoying them and i offer mere samples on how far deep the disabled jason todd rabbit hole can go <3

im mixing in some that he should just canonly have and personal hcs (plus a bit of self projection) but hopefully you'll like any of these too :3

schizoaffective disorder

more prone to mania outbursts

can be extremely delusional

paranoia and anxiety -> isolating

psychosis

(lots of people give him hallucinations due to his ptsd but i think he experiences a range of it and in different levels of intrusiveness!)

(and fun fact, children under 16 who experienced trauma are more than 3x likely to have psychosis as an adult! up to 50x if its severe!)

autistic

literally just a given. look at him. autism coded.

deaf/hard of hearing

always had poor hearing

fast visual learner because of it

has multiple pairs of hearing aids he wore as robin to "keep his identity secret"

bruce taught him asl

batman and robin used a lot of nonverbal cues and their own version of sign language on patrol too. (batman teaches it to the others when hes gone and jason cries)

as a kid he had a gun shot near him & developed tinnitus

^ only worsened as time went on

it gets overbearing after he comes back to life due to the beating he received and literally dying in an explosion

it continued until he got Lazarus Pitted. but that ringing was replaced with silence & most of his hearing fully gone

gains more due to close proximity with firearms and explosions constantly

terrifies him as his hearing loss got worse.

like full on sobbing terrifies.

he spent his entire life relying on his senses and wayne techs always improving technology to keep himself and others safe. with that fully removed it leaves him feeling vulnerable

'how will i know if im alone? if someone is sneaking up on me or im being too loud? if someone is screaning for help just out of eyesight?'

so much fear !

but! he grows to accept it and use it to his advantage and

helmet rigged to have sensors that alert him of almost anything around him

and so sensitive to the vibration of any sound to where he can pinpoint anyone

will close his eyes/remove his hearing aids when arguing so he doesnt 'hear' them

really into heavier music for the bass and drum vibration

fully deaf by the time he reaches his 30s

speech

(this one can be effected by all but)

severe speech delay as a child

repeated lines/quotes mostly to express his feelings because he's autistic and its easier than coming up with the words yourself

semi nonverbal

damaged vocal cords, gets hoarsed easily/painful to talk for too long

stims by clicking his tongue against his teeth

^^ became a tic !

chronic pain

a given for anyone but especially jason

from the streets and not being able to afford a doctor

to as robin and the injuries he received

to dying

to being forcefully brought back to life

to the Lazarus Pit

just so much pain. he cant remember a time he wasnt in pain. its the one thing that'll always be consistent no matter what.

chronic migraine haver, u can tell

talia tries her best to help ease it and make sure he has meds/the fake id and doctor to keep his prescriptions

his shoulder, head, and hips get the worse flares

would push himself as robin too much and made it worse

allows his body the rest as an adult, using that time to do his scheming and think of every detail/possible route in it

misc.

had NAS

picks at his skin if overstressed

being poor can and will make your health worse. from stress to not being able to get the help you need and something small becoming chronic or permanent

extreme fatigue

so many burns and damaged nerve tissue :(

i think about that one batwoman comic where he lost an eye in a future timeline constantly

OCD

periodically gets bad tremors in his hands

again. so fucking autistic coded.

#i wanna talk on the schizoaffective thing in a separate post eventually because #as someone that struggles with psychosis and has a mood disorder.... yea <3 #jason is a bad bitch bc hes autistic and has at least one (1) cluster B disorder #ANYWAYS !#super sorry for how long this took i had ... a day... but hopefully theres something you like in it :3 #the fun part of making a character disabled is that ur just. never wrong.#goosey my beloved #company in the crypt #jason todd #the d in dcu is for disabled

72 notes · View notes

pansyboybloom · 4 months

Note

im so sorry youre having troubles with double booking (the actual term for the 'i know this isnt real logically but it is real actually' jic you didnt know it) i feel like. thats one of the worst states to be in. id offer a hug but idk how much youd want one rn

are there any other games you play/enjoy in general other than legend of zelda? i cant remember you ever mentioning any, but i was curious if you're just a general gamer who just really enjoys one series, or if loz is an exception to not really enjoying video games or something. if you do enjoy any specific games, which ones and why? if not, is there a reason loz stands out among them all?

thanks so much. i got home after my lovely double booking (had no idea it was called that) and took my back up antipsychs and slept for like 4 hours before going to class. i really appreciate all of yall coming into my inbox and being so kind, it means so much <4 (<3 + 1)

im not much of a gamer at all. i grew up not being able to afford consoles, but my best friend had a gamecube and her favorite game was wind waker, so it was literally the only game i ever played for a very long time. but i loved the lore of windwaker, the fantasy and the princesses and gods, and i pretended link was secretly a girl the whole time and no one knew that he wasn't a 'real boy' (classic egg things), and i was into manga, so i begged my ma to get me one of the loz manga and fell in love with the series' lore even more. i still have my copy of minish cap's manga, the first manga i ever read!

i suck at gaming- I'll be the first to admit that im not very good at puzzle games, and even worse at combat, and now with my hand tremors i cant play most controllers. it takes me ages to finish games, and I've basically only finished ds/3ds ones bc it's easiest to steady my hands on those. that means that it's harder to get into new games since i rely on other people playing them. watching let's plays stresses me out, im constantly on edge for slurs and shitty remarks, so i tend not to watch those, and w the ADHD, silent playthroughs are a no-go. at least with zelda, i know every game forward and back in my sleep, so it's just easier to enjoy myself while failing to play them than if i start new games, ya know? still, i WILL finish skyward sword one day, tremors be damned!!!!

im honestly not sure why i latched so strongly onto loz. it's been a capital S special interest since i was at least 6 and I've never fallen out of it, ever, it's on my mind 25/7. it was the first fandom i wrote fic for before even knowing fic EXISTED, and I've devoted far too much time to it. it is a very problematic franchise-- Nintendo is a shit company, the main villain is racist, the gerudo on their own even more so, there's so much Orientalism, it's just. awful. but i keep coming back to it. i try to be very critical and not enjoy it blindly, but it really is one of the few things that kept me happy when i was suicidal and fucked up as a teen. as cheesy as it is to say, link saved my little egg life

3 notes · View notes

inqilabi · 2 months

Note

I’m an ex muslim desi woman still living at home with parents pretending to be muslim. I’m 26 and I want to move out. I’m gonna start saving so by the end of the next 2 years i can do it. My job is based in the same city as them so I cant use the work excuse. I had an argument with my mom and sister about it today and they used the usual misogynistic religious/cultural stuff like “it looks wrong for an unmarried woman living alone” etc. mom got suuuuper upset and even cried. But she said if i was married it’d be completely fine or maybe for a job in another city. Do you have any advice how to navigate this? My other sisters are married and moved out. My younger brother plans to move out when hes married within the next year too so i think they kinda depend on me to take care of them which is obviously unfair, especially because im unmarried and dont plan to get married soon.

I am sorry to hear this hun. My advice is to definitely move out and commit to it at any cost. I know all the emotional blackmail is very tough to deal with but take it from me. Even if you stayed back, they will not appreciate it/you. And down the road you will be resentful. And let's say it ends up costing you advancement in your life (dating, job prospects etc etc), family and the world will basically blame you for not having your shit together. Like no one understands if such things hold you back.

That's really what I have learned through all the things that I faced is to be inconsiderate of people's feelings. Because guess what - they will still be crying even if you are the perfect daughter.

In your case, if you don't want to get a new job right now then I suggest you say that your interviewing for jobs. And then you know pretend to take calls etc etc as you would if you were interviewing. Make it believable. And then say that you got a job in this x city. And then move. Get comfortable at faking and lying. I suggest lying solely because it's the path of least resistance. You could obviously just look for apartments, commit to it, and then once you sign the lease say - you're moving out. You've signed the lease. And then deal with the emotional outbursts and fall out from there on. You can live with multiple roommates to make it more affordable so you can do it sooner.

Either that or have a 6-8 month plan. 2 years sounds like it could be too far out for you but only you can judge if you can tolerate living at home for that long. during this time apply for jobs that pay more and are further out. But defs have a goal and commit to it.

It would be useful if you could rely on any one of your siblings for help and support. With the process or even lying. Like for instance my brother was totally okay with me lying to get out etc.

#asks

2 notes · View notes

ikram1909 · 2 months

Note

would love for ansu to find good form again and stay :’( i just don’t see it happening in barca with its constant high pressure grueling atmosphere. maybe if he goes to italy or germany on another loan stint (i don’t rate england on developing loan signings, especially foreign players).

yeah not signing grimaldo was such a failure on our part, his years in portugal had loads of injuries but when he was on the pitch he always delivered, sort of like pedri. our loss, leverkusens gain.

i’ve given up on finding a DM by this summer… they’re are at their most expensive. there is no one good, young-ish, and proven coming up on a free/cheap anywhere. and anyways, unless we sell fdj/araujo/ter stegen we cant even afford players who might be ok choices AND balance our books. honestly, i think barca should either develop casado/a youth player or stick to a two pivot system until we actually have money to sign a decent player.

You know what, I can get behind Ansu going to the Bundesliga I think he'd be a great addition to bvb (hopefully Edin will be gone next season).

Grimaldo is such a loss man Ale could've used competition in his position and the guy is genuinely amazing AND is from la masía like I'm still confused why they didn't bring him 😒

As for the DM, they're still going for Aleix Garcia who isn't really a DM because we just suck at squad building and I'm worried he'll turn out to be another Romeu. Our other option is relying on la masía and child abuse again 😭😭

3 notes · View notes

malka-lisitsa · 7 months

Note

Caroline wasn't foolish. She knew she'd have to check the balances of what Katherine had added in and add in some of the things she needed for herself. "waiting on me, oh" Online shopping for groceries had become the new normal for her. Caroline didn't like going to those big stores, knowing that human food wouldn't satisfy her hunger.

Caroline took the laptop back, clicking back a few pages in front of Katherine's view, adding in things like meat, and pasta, sauces and other things and then scrolled through the list. Noticing some of the more pricier items Katherine had added in for herself.

but instead of scolding her, or deleting out of the basket and asking her to choose something cheaper, the blonde added some other things for Katherine. Like a tooth brush, her own set of towels and proceeded to the payment screen and privately input her details.

"it's arriving tonight" she smiled. Even if all of this kindness came back to bite her in the ass one day, Caroline wouldn't punish Katherine for needing the basic human necessities.. even if some were on the luxurious side. She'd heard the stories, ones from Katherine herself.. about having to just keep running. Caroline didn't know how long this set up would last, but she at least wanted Katherine to feel like it was something near a home. A place where she could have her own things, and have them respected, and while Caroline did expect the same treatment of her own things to given in return, that was something Katherine needed to learn. She wasn't expected to just know.

"try and make some of the things last okay?"

She didn't yell at her. Didn't even take it out of the cart. In fact she watched her put more things in there...

One of the hardest parts of being human for Katherine is being vulnerable. Not just physically. Yes shes fragile now, and thats a real problem for her... but she's also vulnerable because Katherine is alone.

For five hundred years Katherine was an apex predator. She hunted her food, slept wherever she wanted to sleep, got whatever she wanted- Katherine didn't have to really rely on anyone she was self sufficient. Independent.

Now that shes a human things have drastically flipped for her. She's powerless. Five hundred years of being a predator, and now she was the prey again. Honestly it's that feeling she hates the most. Feeling like she did way back when. At the mercy of others.

Yes she is a survivor, and her skills are not limited to brute force- Katherine ALSO has five hundred years of scheming and manipulating under her belt. She's not completely helpless but...

The truth is, she cant manipulate and scheme well in this circle shes stuck in. The mystic falls vampire ring. If you ask her, she'll tell you shes stuck because they wont let her leave- but thats posturing.

Katherine has stuck around this ring of people because she knows them. She feels safer with them than she would out there on her own. For all her hate for Elena she knows that self righteous bitch wouldn't let her die on principle. She can tell by the way Damon looks at her that he still wouldn't let her die. She knows Stefan loves her (even if he denies it) and wouldn't let anything happen to her. Even that little gremlin Jeremy protected her, wrapped her in a blanket when she was cold...

And Caroline? Caroline is the best of them. She has always thought that. (obviously Stefan doesn't count.) The poetry of Caroline is watching her climb from a victimized girl to a force of nature. She reminds Katherine a lot of herself.

"yea... ok." She nodded. No thank you, that would be vulnerability in Katherine's book and she can't afford that right now... but... next time, she'd make sure her trash actually got IN the trash can...

"I assume if I even think about putting the groceries away you'll have an OCD panic attack- so... I'll leave that to you." Posturing, yes, as always... but it was her way of trying to respect Caroline's need for things to be a certain way.

Katherine speaks a language few people understand.

#answered #multi royalty #verse: human Kaherine #this got so long im so sorry #poor baby is scared and not used to people being genuinely kind to her

2 notes · View notes

a-really-good-lawyer · 2 years

Text

I've been having a lot of thoughts lately about the intersections between how Matt Mudock (from the Netflix series) relates to others and how he relates to himself.

I saw a post yesterday that talked about an element of projection, and it echoed a lot of my thoughts on the topic, because I agree: projection is very much happening.

I think part of it comes from an inability to process his problems as problems. I get the feeling that Matt relies heavily on a kind of cognitive dissonance to manage trauma, and confronting what are (to him, at least) similar issues in others is as close as he can get to confronting them in himself, because actually confronting his own issues means acknowledging the full weight of them, and he subconsciously always shies away from that because it would crush him.

(To be fair, that analysis is at least 50% projection on my part. I actually project on characters from media I hyperfixate on to process my own issues - fanfiction has been a huge part of that. Because it's easier sometimes to love and forgive and hurt for a fictional person than do those things for yourself, you know?)

I actually tried writing some things from Matt's headspace with a cant of introspection grounded in feeling lost, and ended up at a place just like this, with him just doubting himself further because he wonders at his own motivations (as part of sort of downward spiral that this section of the fic I'm writing is meant to portray).

I think this part is where that came together for me, which covers part of S2 Ep 11 (.380):

So he finds Frank on that boat, and he tells him that just this once they'll do it Frank's way, because Matt's way isn't working. Because Matt hasn't been strong enough to do what's needed; isn't as good as he's been telling himself he is - not a good lawyer, not a good friend, not a good person - and maybe he fought for Elektra and fights for Frank not because he's seen good in them, but because in them, he sees himself.

At this point in the fic I was trying to kind of work his thought process down into a place that fits how he feels at the start of season 3, and in a way it actually made his headspace for S3 make even more sense to me than it initially did. Or made it fit more as part of a character arc across all seasons, I suppose.

So much of how Matt copes - with challenges, with tragedy, with physical and/or mental trauma, with living a double life - relies so heavily on his ability to compartmentalize, including a separation between Matt Murdock and Daredevil, that his sense of identity is probably heavily affected. Every time he tells someone his motivations for doing the things he does it feels like he's reminding himself of them, too - trying to anchor himself in his identity. A big way for people to do that is to identify and remember their core values, and him essentially doing that could be a subconscious effort at that method.

So, to me, it follows that when people question his motiviations, when they challenge them or interpret them in a way that fits their world view, it breaks him down a little. We see how Foggy looks at Daredevil as a thing Matt does and not who he is, and I'm not going to get into what I think Foggy's headspace is (bc this post is already long and I gotta save something for my fic lol) but I don't think Foggy realizes how much that affects Matt.

I don't think he realizes that rejection of that part of Matt's life is a rejection of part of Matt, and that Matt keeping Foggy in the dark wasn't just lying but also hiding, because to share that side of himself is to make himself vulnerable in a way life has taught him he can't afford to be. We see some of that in early season 2, with how the Punisher's actions are conflated with Daredevil's, and that people whose opinions he values consider Daredevil a catalyst for the Punisher's actions really fucks with him, and makes him adamant that the two be seperated.

And I don't think Foggy understood all that. I don't think Foggy realizes that even though they're both from Hell's Kitchen they're also from very different worlds. I think that, in some ways, Foggy projects his own expectations on Matt, and he doesn't know how to make the reality of who Matt is fit into his concept of how the world is or works.

Okay, I'm sorta giving away a lot of the themes of my fic here so I'm gonna stop, but yeah, clearly I have many thoughts about this 😅

#daredevil #matt murdock #fanalysis #daredevil meta #mcu daredevil #oc

37 notes · View notes

joysona · 1 year

Text

OKAY niche post: kpop boy group tomorrow x together as a killjoy gang

Soobin

Obviously soobin’s the babysitter

Killjoy name: sth goofy like Fanboy Steve or Blonde Bombshell he doesn’t take himself seriously enough to think of sth too cool

Gang medic

Constantly getting the gang out of trouble

Signature colors: blue, white, orange. Keeps his hair blonde.

Yeonjun

Resident fairy godmother and motor baby

Killjoy name: sth he thinks sounds cool as hell but actually sounds super cheesy, sth like Puma Dan or Cowabunga Kitty

Designated driver

Has cheated death way too many times due to provoking dracs a little too much

Signature colors: neon pink, sky blue, and black (very specific abt the shades he uses). Usually keeps his hair pink but he alternates

Beomgyu

CRASH QUEEN!!!!

Killjoy name: something cutesy probably, like Asteroid Bear or Benny Glitter

Hosts a radio show

Shoots acoustic

Color scheme: red, white, and pink. Keeps his hair natural brown most of the time but switches it up every once in a while

Taehyun

Batt rat, ex tumbleweed

Killjoy name: either something really cute like Terry Twinkle or sth rlly random like Tiger Lunch

Gangs resident smithy

Knows slight of hand so when he first came to the zones he’d just survive off pickpocketing and shit

Color scheme: pink, purple, orange. Keeps his hair pink

Kai

Batt rat (2), was snatched up by soobin literally an hour after he left the city

Killjoy mame: DEFINITELY sth super cutesy. I’m thinkin Desert Penguin or like Satellite Sunshine

Paper boy for Beomgyu’s show

String kinggggg

Color scheme: blue, green, yellow. Usually has his hair blue or blonde

Other thoughts

I don’t think they’d be called tomorrow x together fjfnnf their gang would probably have like a celestial name, like Meteor Bros or Planet Posse (they know their name is dumb but its camp and they couldn’t think of anything better)

They’re based out of zone 3 and operate a lighthouse out there

Beomgyu absolutely REFUSES to eat power pup and relies almost solely on the witches garden and batt food. Don’t ask him how he is able to manage that, you probably won’t like the answer.

Soobin is banned from tommy’s. No one (not even soobin) knows why, but every time the guys stop by, soobin has to wait in the car

Taehyun really really wants to get a motorcycle, but every time he brings it up the other 4 boys scream at him for 40 mins straight abt how he’d probably die if he tried driving one and they cant afford to lose their smithy with how often yeonjun gets them into firefights

Yeonjun does sun skin more often than not and often makes their raids go south bc they left late due to yeonjun taking too long to put his glitter on

Kai is like king of casual joy parties. Loves to throw bonfires and picnics, scours the zones and outer city for glow sticks and shit to hand out to everyone who comes. He always has extra blankets around for people to sit on.

One of their closest allies is an absolutely massive gang from zone 2 made up entirely of lesbians. Theres like 30 of them, so whenever they need backup, their opponent just gets entirely fuckin swarmed by sapphics with guns

Ok thats all i got for now lol i might draw them/add more shit later i am literally writing this at 1 am

#ttlotfk #txt #tomorrow by together #tomorrow x together #my chemical romance #danger days #mcr #kpop #txt killjoy au #the true lives of the fabulous tubatu #scheduled

7 notes · View notes

gothmods · 1 year

Text

[Obligatory disclaimer that i do believe art used in ai training should be an opt in on the part of artists, because while ai image generation is not inherently art theft, i think its fair to want to know how an ai engine operates and what the terms of use are and to be able to make a decision based on that*]

(*hypothetical examples - what are the user policies wrt offensive content, will you yourself be able to access this ai tool, is this a tool primarily intended for use by individuals or is it being pitched heavily at a corporate audience)

Preamble over, anyways

The invoking of 'consent' language wrt to ai art is....interesting to me. And i dont entirely know how to feel about it because while what i stated at the top of this post could be described as informed consent, what im seeing largely is not consent as you would discuss when collecting/storing/applying data (think procedures for data collection in scientific studies or in other tech developments). Rather it feels like what is being said is that it is a violation of consent to create a derivitive work in a medium the artist/s do not approve of.

Which putting aside that thats not quite how ai art works - its all very interesting to me as someone who works in traditional mediums because its so....out of touch i guess?

The obvious example would be collage, i dont have to seek out permissions from photographers and journalists to display (or sell) a collage that uses parts of their work. But that is a boring example and one that does not push the conversation around transformative works.

Now if i made a 2m × 2m photo print of a banksy work and wrote "wanksy" on it with a sharpie, should i need to seek the permission of mr banksy to exhibit it? Do i owe banksy royalties for the use of his work? If in that same exhibition i display a sculpture of mickey mouse tearing a man apart like a rapid animal, should disney be able to sue me for damaging their image?

The critics may well say these works are uninspired, a clumsy and immature attempt at satire. The public might find my detailed rendition of michael mouse devouring human flesh to be grotesque and an affront to the eye. That is all fine - as in they should be able to criticise my work freely, even if i ultimately disagree with what they say and appear 2 weeks later in an interview saying the 7 year old who cried so hard he threw up at my opening night was an industry plant intended to stir up bad press.

The question on the table is whether i am free to create those works - and more generally whether or not transformative art is acknowledged as art, even if you feel some of it is shite.

What even is transformative art? How do you draw a line between what is transformative and what is merely copy? I dont think there is a hard line, at least not one that could be defined and upheld in a legal setting.

There is a lot of art out there that i think is crap, that i think has nothing of interest to say, that i think is a hollow imitation of the works of others. I think its vital to the state of the arts that we can have those conversations. But i dont think the complexities of these conversations can be captured in legislation - nor do i wish for them to be. If copyright laws enabled disney to come knocking i would simply be too broke to even fight it in court.

And while most artists and even a large chunk of businesses are not the mass of financial power that is disney, that doesnt change that i could not afford a lawyer and that the "profits" i make on my work are.....well you cant really call them profits.

Which is not to say i think art theft is okay, or that it doesnt happen in the traditional arts. Rather that while i think art theft makes you a dickhead and an uninspired hack i do not think relying on legal structures to inform ethics in the arts is the solution. I dont necessarily think there even is a single solution, and more broadly when looking at arts and ethics there are a lot of grey areas (one of my favourite artists is paul yore who is...not a stranger to controversy in this regard)

But even if we look at the flip side, if we assume a singular distinction between what is art theft and what is inspiration or transformative can be concluded. If we extend intellectual property laws to cover the expanses of the art world.

I am...still broke. Even if i did want the ability to sue someone for stealing my intellectual property (i do not), even if i could prove beyond reasonable doubt that my triangular vase was distinct enough to be solely my creation and that other people using that shape were commiting a crime. I do not have the money to take it to court. Even if i did i doubt i could argue that that theft had resulted in lost income.

Which is the whole point of intellectual property laws, it isnt about protecting the sanctity of creative mediums, its about protecting capital. Which is why companies are able to use copyright laws to profit off of the work of a designer without that designer being fairly compensated. And its why target could mass produce a recast of my work (they wouldnt but only because what i do has no mass commercial appeal) without consequence. And expanding those laws would only make it harder for the arts as a medium to progress, would only make things harder for those of us at the bottom of the ladder. Not that i want to climb that ladder anyway, i want to tip it over and set it on fire.

But even outside of copyright and ownership and all that - i think its important to recognise that you can think the art someone does is absolute crap, that its trite, lazy, that its the stupidest idea ever concieved, and still accept that they should be able to make it. And that bad art is not representative of a medium as a whole.

Even when you get into more serious ethical matters some things are complex and i think there are some conversations that should be gone about with more care (the previously mentioned paul yore comes to mind again).

Theres no concluding point here but thats kind of the point to begin with - that there isnt a clean cut solution.

2 notes · View notes

the-creepy-guy-around-the-corner · 1 month

Text

Excuse the screaming on here, don't want to scream on twitter because thats easier to connect back to me and this is stupid enough I really don't want to talk to folks I know IRL about this.

And this is gunna be like mega privileged problems so putting it in a cut just need to scream to the void

Aghhhhhh my dad is selling his business. Which is fine, but I still rely on my parents for support a lot financially. I feel awful, I'm a grown ass adult with a full time job but life is expensive and my parents agreed to help support me because I'm super passionate about my job but it's a job that famously does not pay well. For about ten or fifteen years I got REALLY lucky, dads business was doing amazing, I got to live a very privileged fun life for I'd say about ten years. I got two college degrees out of it, got to live in multiple countries, traveled a lot, got to enjoy expensive hobbies, I built a wonderful wardrobe and collection of nice things..... and just the general feeling of not having to stress about bills or basic expenses. Then dads business got stolen from to the tune of several hundred thousand dollars this last year, and he ate the whole cost so no one else would be effected benefits or jobs wise. So I tightened my belt so I could ask less from them, and I'm now barely scraping by. Each paycheck I now have a hundred or so to my name before I get paid again. Ive hardly been able to touch the debt I've been trying to pay down. And now that he's selling the business that flashing light of 'no help' is getting bigger and closer and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Sort of panicked and went on a huge spree canceling as many subscriptions as I can (I already deleted most of them, but it broke my heart to start canceling subscriptions to friends patreon's or artists I want to support or to favorite games and such), deleted all of my worst spender apps from my phones, and looking into more side gigs. I really have no room to complain, this is no more than most people have to do and I'm honestly still incredibly lucky and blessed. But I'm going to miss being able to pick up the bill for friends or buying them presents, I'm really going to miss leaving huge tips on places, and GOD I am going to miss traveling, I already do. My friends are planning a trip to Japan rn and I'm so happy for them but I know I cant afford it no matter how much I want to go.

But most of all I'm going to miss the lack of stress. I went from never having to look at the price of the menu at a nice restaurant to eating nothing but tuna fish sandwiches for the rest of the week because I don't want to spend more money on food. Like I'm gunna be fine, I'm not going to starve, but the stress of money has been dwindling my already not super great mental health and the knowledge that it will always be this way from here on, is frankly fucking terrifying. Spending the rest of my life doing the mental gymnastics I need to make sure I have enough money for bills each month, and knowing I wont be able to buy a house or really build up savings (at least not until my parents die, and I am understandably not wanting that to happen either) is fucking depressing.

Especially knowing that if I have kids I wont be able to give them the opportunities I had growing up. I've for so long tied my self worth to gifting things to others, buying meals, treating my friends and so on. I really am going to have to tackle how I view my self worth and what I bring to the table friendship wise because gifts and generosity are things I just cant afford right now and with the job I have I don't know if I ever will again. (well.... unless I marry rich lol) I'll figure it all out, look for more expenses I can cut, look for more side jobs and so on. I'm probably making it out to be worse than it is, but having such a radical change in lifestyles has a bit of whiplash that really stings. Hopefully after a while I can start paying down my debt more which will help with interest rates, and if I keep cutting down on expenses maybe I'll be able to start saving. I doubt anyone has read this, if you did thanks for listening to me whine and I hope you have a good day.

#Fuck capitalism

1 note · View note

xorobyn · 3 months

Text

Where tf to even start.

my god. they are right. when ur on ur shit ppl are going to hate on you as if they aren't the embodiment of what u make fun of. this silly ass bitch trying me up bc I called her out for being ignorant about politics. bc she's a dumbass trumpie who when asked simple questions cannot answer bc she is literally a moron. GODDAMN, I can't stand stupid ppl and that's fucking everyone around me. why can't people just educate themselves??? it hurts my brain how stupid ppl are. I can't have an intelligent conversation with anyone bc no one actually enjoys learning and being educated about politics, philosophy, science, etc. like I do.

this stupid bitch tried me up on my life and I HAD to set that cunt straight like I actually laugh. tried to diss me on shit that isn't true and is actually true of herself.

"Come at me again and don’t lie about being independent bc you have never once been independent in your life. You embody the people I make fun of for relying on a man to get by emotionally and financially. Couldn’t never ever be me. I actually chose to do shit with my life and not end up a loser like every other bitch relying on a man Why don’t u just answer all my questions going on with trump and prove to me you actually know shit. Oh wait u can’t bc u don’t 🤣🤣🤣

I take that back you never lived anywhere nice with that man. You’ve only lived in shit holes besides when [retracted] let u live with her for less than half of what she’s paying and when a male bought you a house.

I’m better than you in every single way and you know it. Including being educated and informed on current issues. Don’t be a typical trumpie who follows the crowd and doesn’t actually know shit and the typical informed liberal won’t call you out. And tell ur unemployed bf I said the same. You let a male move into ur house who u knew had no job. Dude… the desperation is embarrassing. All bc u can't afford to live alone and aren't mentally capable of it bc ur so weak. Could never be me. What was ur high school GPA? Was it even a 3.0? And flunked out of college and used a man as a plan for her life? Yes the exact person I make fun of for being a loser

And happy early 30th birthday. You’ve amounted to nothing bc you wouldn’t leave an alcoholic drug addict who beat you until the day he died."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

I HATE BITCHES seriously I cant even say I'm a woman's woman anymore bc im literally not. bitches are so pathetic. and that isn't to say I am for males bc hell naw I hate them mfs too.

I cant stand anyone except a bitch who is out here being completely independent on her own and doing shit with her life. God thts why I respect T and M so much bc they are actually bad bitches who are not using a man as a plan!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHH!!!!!!!

go ahead and fucking kill yourself. you will never amount to shit worth anything and your life is a waste. these stupid ass cunts I stg. I cannot stand a bitch who doesn't have her own shit, isn't educated, and chooses to live mid-ass loser ass lives. and the ADCACITY to try me up like they have shit on me hahahahaha. I hope this doesn't come across as me being offended bc im literally not. how can I be offended by anyone who is objectively worse than me?? LMFAO I tell these hoes not to try me up on the insult game bc I will always win. I have set my life up to LITERALLY be better than everyone. and the number one rule of dissing is to never bring up looks. shit is wayyyyyyyyy too easy to do. looks are subjective. shit doesnt even matter. you gotta hit ppl with FACTS to hurt them frfr. yeah calling them a fat ass is mean but its too fucking easy.

say thats why u been a single mom since 20

thats why u flunked out of college

thats why you work at a dead end job

thts why ur ass lives in that grimy ass apartment

thts why ur ass drives a car from 2005

thats why ur baby daddy left u for a woman who is actually doing shit with her life u broke ass dumb bitch

goddamn please spare me the tears.

I relate so much to these female rappers but like ACTUALLY. im so much better than every other bitch its RIDICULOUS!!!!!

Im just so fucking sick of the dumbasses of the world. can we do a genocide of these dumb bitches dear god I cant stand it anymore. yall hoes are making me a bad person bc I gotta shit on u and put u in ur place ratchet loser ass bitches. im just so heated bc I dream of a world where ppl are just like me. yes im perfect. im living life the correct way. why cant everyone be like me? why didnt everyone else start setting goals at 11??? LIKE ROBZ RLLY DID THAT started setting goals at 11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I promise im not like anyone else. i never ever have been. god I cant wait to continue flourishing. goddamn, I love myself. im back to myself. im healed. im conceited as fuck. fuck

I know I spelt hela shit wrong but im just banging on my keyboard so whatever:P

0 notes

nineliabilityrisk · 3 months

Text

been thinking about my muses even though ive been way too busy to write. todays topic was michael so.

adding a cut bc these rambles are probably gonna end up ridiculously long

my michael uses (SHOULD use. stubborn headass often refused when he was little because he thought people would judge him.) mobility aids. even pre-scooping his repeated injuries from getting into fights / being needlessly reckless only exaggerated certain pre-existing conditions he had (weak / unstable joints + chronic pain making prolonged periods of unsupported standing / walking difficult)

when he was younger, before everything went to shit, he did get brought to the doctor and recommended an orthotic brace for his bad knee and a set of forearm crutches to help take the weight off his lower joints. he used the brace a lot when he was little and his crutches a little less often, but as he grew up and outgrew the sizing for both, there came a certain point where william couldnt be bothered to take him in for fittings or get them replaced (especially after an incident when someone at his school broke one of his crutches — after '83 william never really bothered intervening in any bullying related incidents involving michael and probably rationalized not getting him a new set by telling himself the boy deserved the treatment as punishment for what hed done)

so he stopped using said mobility aids for a good few years, but after he moved out and before the time sl rolled around, he did end up scraping together the money to at least get himself a new pair of crutches because his pain was only getting worse the longer he went without them. sure he didnt hold many jobs where he was made to stand for extended periods of time but after a certain point it ended up making some everyday tasks incredibly difficult for him

anyway um. obviously he could never bring his crutches with him into circus babys. imagine trying to crawl through a vent while dragging those things along i would die. he hated it at the time but he is at least somewhat grateful that he didnt end up losing them when he got scooped because there was no way he would end up being able to afford a replacement pair, especially not with how hard finding jobs was post-ennard

especially after ennard leaves, his Everything Hurts All The Time problems just get worse, and he ends up relying on the crutches far more than he ever did when he was alive — no matter how much (or how little) the remnant heals him, the nerve damage he experienced from his body quite literally rotting away isnt exactly something that just disappears overnight. his crutches help take some of the weight off his legs — he found out after breaking his femur that even his bones had beem affected by the animatronic's prolonged stay, seeming far more brittle than before. he gets pinched nerves / numbness from where the crutch rests just below his elbows sometimes if he puts too much pressure on them, and with a good chunk of his muscle mass rotted away its gotten far more difficult to support his weight on his arms whatsoever, but trying to walk unsupported would just be so much worse.

tl;dr: my michael af.ton is disabled and had been long before ennard happened. i dont bring it up much because i cant often find times where its relevant, but it is a fact about him that i almost always keep in mind.

[ this entire post was written by a disabled individual who uses the exact mobility aids spoken on in this post. mentioning the incidents where michaels access to his mobility aids was limited / removed by others OR younger michael refusing to use them does not mean i am trivializing such experiences or supporting those actions myself. a disabled persons mobility aids are an extension of their body and should be treated as such. taking away his crutches likely did lasting damage to his joints + the rest of his body. if you are someone who needs a mobility aid – no matter if you dont feel like you need it "enough," if you think it will help you and improve your quality of life that means you need it – never feel ashamed to use it or avoidant due to fear of the opinions of others. mobility aids are important medical devices and should be respected as such. ]

#ooc | nines speaks #m | ooc ; michael #cw ableism #cw injury #cw medical neglect #[on w.ills part]#this whole post makes me think about my j.eremy and his disabilities both mental and physical. might ramble about him some day

1 note · View note