#her skin was translucent paper thin and she looked so fragile in tht hospital bed but she was supposed to be getting better

[basiltonpitch]

on losing a mother

#s.txt #s.poem #mom tag #poetry #okay to reblog #it's officially been over a year since the last time i saw my mom. #her skin was translucent paper thin and she looked so fragile in tht hospital bed but she was supposed to be getting better #and she did. for about a month. #she went back into the hospital 3 days after my birthday. #she stayed there for like 2 weeks and then died about a week after she checked herself out. #the last time she ever texted me was on my birthday. i waited two days to text back. and i never heard back from her. #the next time i saw her she was a pile of grey ashes in a plastic urn. she sits on my shelf now. i haven't gotten her a new urn yet. #i try not to feel guilty. there wasn't much i could do from a thousand miles away #but i still feel the guilt every day itching under my skin and screaming at me in my mind that i should have done better #that i should have been there for her #her phone number has since been given to someone else. i deactivated her facebook account. i cleaned out her apartment & threw away almost #all of her belongings. #i took photo albums. i took some jewelry - including the ring she wore as she was cremated. it survived the fire. the funeral home put it #in the urn with her ashes. i wear it sometimes just to feel like there's still a part of her with me. #but she's gone and i don't believe in an afterlife and neither did she #there's some comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain that she is no longer suffering #but i still sit here and i think of all the things i never got to tell her and the new things i want to tell her every single day #i never got to come out to her. not really. i never got to tell her that i understood what she went thru with my dad because i lived it too #anyways. sorry for going off in the tags. i'm okay i promise. just feeling a lot of feelings right now.