#hope everything else works out!

[calpicowater]

Day 16/366: January 16th 2024 | Day In 🏠

Stayed in all day. Feels nice to stay home all day, it has been awhile. I mostly just planned my Asia trip. Had to take out some cities (RIP SANYA & XIAMEN...) Kind of disappointed but should be good because I am going to all of my favourite places anyway. Had to do some prioritizing.

#365 #52 #took out xiamen cuz i was never that interested #took out sanya because i dont like beaches #hope everything else works out! #i'll go visit zhongshan too i guess lol... gonna go eat some chinese bbq & gongcha and other bbt... the food there isn't shabby #so i guess i will stay

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a. #birdsong. #wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac- #in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really. #i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track. #and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy? #it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that. #how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love. #i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together. #i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too. #the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe. #so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc. #i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.

[mayakern]

Hey I just wanted to say a huge thank you to Devin- I know you've mentioned they're more camera shy, but with the store's focus on skirts, the fashion leans toward high femme, and Devin's willingness to be included and photographed in a different kind of comfortable wardrobe really is amazing. You guys put so much effort and care into your clothing designs, and having the variety of models and outfits really highlights that your clothes work for so many body types, fashion inclinations, and comfort zones. Just, thank you so much to all of you, but also to Devin for being included in the latest pictures. You are doing amazing work. <3

i have relayed this message to devin and they’re glad that their presence on set was appreciated! thank you for the kind words it really means a lot 🥺🧡🧡🧡

#ask #store #i know you were probably hoping devin would read this #but after they were bedridden for a couple weeks and the holiday sale and everything else #im p much back to managing my own socials at least for now #we have some shop stuff that needs working out for like the next month so #devin will probably be back on my socials eventually #but for now its me again

[ruvviks]

PLEASE DO NOT TAG AS YOUR OWN OC OR PAIRING.

Nathan and Ruben share a bond more powerful than most; mutual understanding through past experiences no one should ever have to go through, and through past actions so horrible they cannot be spoken of. Their grief and the blood on their hands binds them to the STEM technology they created, which has alienated them from the rest of the world— but they give each other the comfort they have both longed for so desperately for years, and that is all they need. They are each other's counterpart; you cannot imagine one without the other, like two sides of the same coin. Through their pain, their grief, their desire, and their regret, they have become one.

anna akhmatova, the guest // bones; equinox // 'i won't become' by kim jakobsson // agustín gómez-arcos, the carnivorous lamb // by oxy // achilles come down; gang of youths // czeslaw milosz, from 'new and collected poems: 1931-2001' // 'extended ambience portrait from a resonant biostructure' and 'migraine tenfold times ten' by daniel vega // a little death; the neighbourhood // marina tsvetaeva, from 'poem of the end' // by drummnist // katie maria, winter // 'nocturne in black and gold the falling rocket' by james abbott mcneill whistler // micah nemerever, these violent delights // body language; we are fury // 'the penitent' by emil melmoth // chelsea dingman, from 'of those who can't afford to be gentle'

taglist (opt in/out)

@shellibisshe, @florbelles, @ncytiri, @hibernationsuit, @stars-of-the-heart;

@lestatlioncunt, @katsigian, @radioactiveshitstorm, @estevnys, @adelaidedrubman;

@celticwoman, @rindemption, @carlosoliveiraa, @noirapocalypto, @dickytwister;

@killerspinal, @euryalex, @ri-a-rose, @velocitic, @thedeadthree

#tew #edit:nathan #nuclearocs #nuclearedits #so much shame in my body but still used my taglist but um let me know if you want to be excluded from oc/ship web weaves #just really wanted to share this one because i'm very proud of it and i want it on my blog. so. :] #recognition of the self through the other + wanting so desperately for the other to be deserving of a second chance #because if there is hope for them than there is hope for you etc etc and so on. that's the core of their dynamic i think #they understand each other on such a fundamental level that no one else comes close to because they are in so many ways the same #like how in in the first game leslie could sync up with ru/vik and all that? nathan would be a VERY good candidate for that as well #and it makes me insane!! and then the added layer of nathan being lead developer of mobius' new and improved STEM system #which makes him the same as ru/vik AGAIN but in like. the way that they're both men of [computer] science #and there's the fact they both have a dead sister. they both killed their parents. they were both mobius playthings for YEARS #and they've happily killed and tortured during all of it. they're angry they're out for revenge they're completely disconnected from #the normal human experience and they're working with what they have. and then after all of that is over then what is left? #their story focuses on them picking up all the pieces. everything that's still salvageable at least. and try to start over in a way #they cannot be forgiven for what they've done but they can move on from the past and do different in the future #there's still things left undone and left unsaid... in my canon at least. i know there's not gonna be any more games. it's fine #anyway they end up going to therapy and then they get better they're not a doomed couple they just like being dramatic #if you read all of this we can get married tomorrow if you'd like

[sea-buns]

Forgive me if I'm a bit nervous about Gorgug this season. It's just that the last Zac Oyama pc was Colin Provolone, who was arguably one of his greatest D20 performances, if not the greatest.

Zac always does great with every pc he plays, but Colin was something else. He came out swinging with actions and words that were teeming with unspoken emotional baggage. The way Colin's presence affected the other pcs; there was this level of depth that I don't think I've seen in any of his other characters. It was understated and quiet in that signature "just a guy" way that he tends to be, while still captivating everyone instantly with just how raw it was.

Not to say we haven't seen emotional depth in Gorgug. It's just that, compared to the other Bad Kids, Gorgug's journey and progression as a character has been very... impersonal? Like, yes, he found his birth parents, and he found friends who appreciate him, and he faced his insecurities about his intelligence, and he navigated relationship troubles, and his trial through the claustrophobic bug-tunnels was a horrifically-uncanny parallel to how he's spent his entire life trying to make himself as small as possible.

But how much of that has actually changed him from the Gorgug we started with? I would agree that he's definitely happier with his life, given all the loving and supportive people that have been added to it when it used to be just him and his parents. And he's certainly grown into himself and become more self-assured in his abilities, even if he's still, and always will be, our anxious little guy. And there's nothing wrong with that. I've always liked how Gorgug was a representation of all the little things. The subtle acts and kindnesses that don't seem like much to most, but to some are everything.

We don't need another Bad Kid living in fear that their mouth could be shit-in at any moment. We've already got one-too-many.

All that being said, I just feel like Gorgug's personal story beats are much easier to sweep under the rug than everyone else's. He has the same soft and understated quality that Colin held, but they lack that extra oomph that pushed Colin over the edge from being just another guy in a series of dudes, to a character that the vast majority of us could not get out of our heads. He took someone who was anxious and softspoken, who ultimately never wanted to be violent— someone who is remarkably similar to Gorgug in many ways— and maintained that demeanor and core in Colin's character while still hitting us in the feels with character development at max velocity at every turn.

I think Zac gets better and better at this with every season that goes by. With each new character, there is always something that leaves me stunned in awe. And it's been, what, three? Four years since we last saw Gorgug?

I'm just,,, I'm cautiously optimistic but also going into a bit of a worry about what violence this man may inflict upon us

#i got SO carried away LMAO #i dont think ive ever written any posts about gorgug specifically #i made a lot about colin. and some about pib. and some more about zacs performances in general. #but never anything gorgug-focused. i just wasnt on tumblr at those other times that hed been on my mind like this #you can tell i still couldnt resist talking about colin lol #he was just so fucking good. a fantastic character all around. i cant imagine a better example to get my point across than him #when i do posts like this its all very much just me taking a vague idea and working with whatever comes out in the moment #so when i tell you i very much did not plan to get lost in the counterargument and had to stop for a second to remember what my point was #my point still stands but so does everything else #you dont realize it. how similar gorgug and colin really are. or how metaphorical the bug tunnel was. #or how gorgug IS the epitome of little details. small acts. quiet rights and wrongs. the faint causes and the even subtler effects. #u dont truly realize it until youre writing it yourself in a free flow fugue state and it all comes to a halt cuz youve blown your own mind #anyway i love gorgug and i love zac pcs and i hope this post makes sense cuz finding the right words was fucking hard hah #dimension 20 #d20 #fantasy high #fantasy high junior year #fhjy #fantasy high sophomore year #fhsy #gorgug thistlespring #the ravening war #trw #colin provolone #zac oyama

[rareship-rats]

Number one test of character. Show him the rats.

He accepted them. Yay!

#nosferatu #nosferatu 1922 #knorlok #knorlock #herr knock #count orlok #it's a very small fireplace okay? #ignore everything else that might be wrong with this #this one took me 3 days. more than usual 1 or 2 #i'm getting old and slow #I did NOT intend for this to be a finished drawing. wanted to stop at a sketch. but here we are #tried full-on manual shading #the characters are shaded without the use of multiply layers (except for orlok's skin) using just the brushes directly on the flat colors #considering the fact that i forgot how light works. i think i did well enough #the background and the ambient light are still multiply layers though. it would be a lot harder without them. and i'm lazy :P #but check out that fire #eh? #i actually like the desaturated look #also this one's just for fun #i slacked off on this one. i hope you can't see that #in my defense however. the horrors #i had fun making this and that's what counts

[u5an5]

I know ultimate sacrifice is dying in fight for what matters the most and in 100% cases it was reversed by kissing headcanon is strong, but what if your existence was erased from the universe and only I remember about you now instead, huh?

#the fact that 100% cases is a one game is irrelevant #so far rule was simple: hedgehog has to be kissed to be deadn't #sonic the hedgehog #sonic prime season 3 #shadow the hedgehog #i know that making potentialy at least several episodes if not a whole season without titular character is unlikely but what if? #it seems to be year of Shadow so its more likely than ever #sonadow #the “i heart you too”/“you must hate having to admit you need me” callback potential is too good #its not even as much about shipping as hoping for it to be meanigful in any way #i just want it to be more than everyone being sad and constantly saying how amazing he was and how they miss him #& brooding shadow grudgingly working with nine/anyone else because they forced him to and them winning because of power of friendship #and shoving a chaos emerald up sonics ass and everything going back to how it was #i want character development for shadow too damn it! #i want him to make some sort of a sacrifice too #i want him to fight for it. i want him to struggle without sonic. i want him to regret. i want him to go trough 5 stages of grief. #i! want! him! to! FEEL!!! #and what i DEFINITELY dont want is '06v2 #which potentialy can be the case but with “everything is back to normal as if it never happened but i remember Everything” instead #(hopefuly cause if theyre gonna retcon themseves again i swear im gonna give birth of cacti out of my ass) #sonic prime #sonic prime s3 #sth #in this concept sonic goes away somewhere in the first episode/somewhere early in s3 btw #and other ppl will remember sonic in some way at some point or at least help shadow cause lets be honest he needs all the help he can get #but make it gradual and more like a snyder sized movie than a tvshow

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ok im actually making a dent on the Lights Out prelim outline - ive got a bit over 4k in it but i didnt realize how tough the real start would be. It's actually... sort of boring lmao

#like all frank and wally can do is #sit around and talk / read / avoid sally / check on friends #like??? ITS SO SLOW #what fuckin else is there to do? #like we've got the minor conflict of them still having to do the occasional play for sally #and there's the existentialism of frank learning that everything is fake #but once he acclimates? theyre just vibing #all thats left is for frank to slowly lose hope and also touch with reality like wally #i mean i want him to go through an investigative phase bc he is Observant #but once he reaches the inevitable dead end? #theyre just hanging outttttt #what the hell would they even talk about... #frank trying to chat with a Very out of touch out of practice wally #absolutely unprompted #and so inevitably i have returned to the Aftermath and am working on that while my brain turns over act one things #ive got it on lock all the way to frank meeting the 'new' wally #siiiiiiigh....

[solenstelluna]

Made this a couple weeks ago and completely forgot about posting it so here it is on tumblr now that I remembered

#pokémon #pmd #pokémon mystery dungeon #skitty #suzy the skitty #riolu #mace the riolu #this was supposed to be a cover for a fanfiction with these two i'm trying to work on #i didn't really think it fit the feeling i was going for though so it just kinda sprawled into a whole piece of its own #overall i think it came out pretty good! #i would call it a stepping stone for improving my current style if i had actually drawn anything else recently #alas i have been feeling too miserable to really try so this is all we have at the moment #hope everything is going good for everybody else though! :)

[ratwizz]

Got sick, drew my guys, look at them :P

#Blehhh I wanna talk about my ocs more ESPECIALLY SICNE NOW THEY HAVE A VAGUE STORY #Shout out to meilin for hating everything #I've been thinking about Making a comic but that's alot of work too and bleghhhh #I'll see what I do #I only share these in hopes my three beloved mutual squirrel Jay n wormy come upon it #Pray to thee #Jun and Julian are the only ones who get to be happy everyone else suffers so I only really draw those two #JUN IS TALLER I DIDNT REALIZE TIL NOW BUT I DREW THAT WRONG EHH doesn't matter #But yes mmmyboyssmm #my art #I'm actually gonna start tagging it #wizzart #Cause when you look up my art... You see... My old stuff....

[ladylynse]

I am officially snowed in.

#ladylynse #lynse complains about the weather #I mean we need the snow #I know we need the snow #but there's so much snow #everything I had on today was cancelled thankfully #and we were told to come into work for noon tomorrow #so I have a bit of time in the morning to figure it out #if someone else can make it in to do the one thing that really really needs to be done the rest of us will wait till the next day #and just kinda hope this doesn't screw us completely #but if no one else can make it in I'm gonna have to walk #which ordinarily takes about an hour but #not with two feet of snow #ugh it's gonna be cold tomorrow too

[countthelions]

Ok, soooo the bandana i was knitting with these colors wasn't turning out sO it's blanket time!! Main is blue, the rest will be little accent squares

#knitting #an update for all the folks on my other post XD #the range of reactions was very very charming #I'm hoping this works out!!! I'd love to use this blue for something bc everything else has been a dud

[theworldisabrokenbonebutitishome]

Kang Yo Han is the walking embodiment of I'm Not Okay (I Promise) and relates to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge far more than is healthy. In this essay I will-

#twabbbiih's edit #tdj #the devil judge #tw blood #kang yohan #kang yo han #a character study via legendary emo classic Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge #I put so much effort into this I really hope the fandom enjoys it #I know I don't exactly go here in a big way but guys please #girl does a tdj rewatch for the fun of it and spirals so far into making bad edits she has to try and figure out how to just get the text #from an album cover to make a mock one like some unhinged loser who barely knows how editing software works #you guys have NO IDEA #I spent an entire night pestering mid-n0vember about how this album is perfect for KYH 2 years ago and so finally I did something about it #to the end has especially been rattling around my brain for WAY TOO LONG because that is not a house or home to KYH #it's a constant reminder of the people he's lost and the horrors he suffered due to the utter shithead that was his father #ive been debating between 2 edits i did for that song for two nights and I've ended up picking the more literal one because I didn't want #too many close up images of peoples faces for this. but just know there is a file on this laptop of kyh crying while hes literally haunted #by memories of his father #I really did try to use a shot from the knife scene for the album cover because it would have been SO GOOD as a mirror to the original albu #however my editing skills are not good enough to make the background less distracting and I'm working with not HD images so it looked worse #so a moments silence for what could have been #no one asked but its 2am and that means oversharing so #Interlude absolutely had to be the on a line by itself because despite everything else going on with KYH keeping Elijah save is Rule One #it's supposed to kind of overshadow everything else because keeping her safe and unaware of Certain Things absolutely does for him #whether it actually translates is a different matter #kgo being on his knees (yet again) is what swung it for that picture otherwise it would have been kyh looking on as jae hee grabs her

[ichorblossoms]

I WOULD LIKE TO ASK QUESTION ABOUT OCS IN FACT 🤲 how was meeting yarrow for the first time like for grimm? and reverse? i love them and how tender they grow together so dearly

HELLO THANK YOU FOR THE ASK AND THANK YOU IN GENERAL EHEHEHEEEE they are eating at my brain all the time <3

OKAY so a vague timeline of honeybee's three main parts is here BUT there is a (not actually secret) part 0 that is how they first meet. i want to include it in the story but i'm concerned telling a story like this

might get a little confusing for people so. we shall see

i DO have my reasons for wanting to tell it this way and also p0 is a single scene. but also i might combine it with p1 idk. it's a mess, i'm a mess

anyways at this point grimm is ~18 and still pretty freshly out of their whole "i was a bodyguard/scout for the people who destroyed everything i loved for several years because i fell in love [was manipulated by] the family's young heiress when i was vulnerable and also a child"* ordeal and now making a living for themself being an outlaw. it travels from town to town and takes on odd jobs, mostly recon stuff because it's very good at sneaking around. also having a robot dog designed to jam signals and camera feeds helps

*this is A Lot. i know it sounds edgy as fuck, but a consistent source of conflict in this universe is how people in power (those with a lot of money in this case) consistently fuck over everyone else and each other for the sake of more power/a perceived advantage/money and grimm is a victim of that to a more extreme degree than most

grimm takes a job that involves getting some sort of intel out of the offices of a medical clinic and gets caught halfway through. they can fight too, so they do get out, but not before sustaining a pretty bad injury to their jaw (originally this was going to be a gunshot, but after doing research i realize that hm sustaining a gunshot wound to the jaw usually requires reconstructive surgery that grimm would not have access to, so i think they were hit with something instead). on their way sneak-stumbling out, they happen across one of the interns in the stairwell, who sees them injured and bleeding and goes "stay right there i'll get something to help you!" because shit, why else are they working at a clinic if they aren't going to help people who are hurt

normally grimm wouldn't stay, fuck that, but it's dazed and possibly concussed, so it does. yarrow (who is about ~19) comes back with some bandages and painkillers, quickly does a quick patch job, and sends grimm off with a "i'm sorry this is all i can do" and grimm gets the fuck out of there

now yarrow isn't stupid, he knew that grimm wasn't supposed to be there, but if he can help, he will help, especially if someone's in pain. grimm wasn't anyone meaningful to them at that point, and i think that whole ordeal is something that occasionally crosses their mind in the next ~3 years before they cross paths again, but there weren't any severe consequences to their actions (if any, still dunno if they got caught) nor was their life really under threat, so it wasn't any more shocking than someone coming in to the clinic with a severe injury

ON the flip side though, grimm cannot stop thinking about this. it has encountered so little kindness in the previous ~6 years of its life that a total stranger helping them out is inconceivable. now, grimm will save its own hide first and foremost, so it doesn't stick around, but this whole incident leaves it with a sense of being indebted to yarrow, whose name they don't even know at that point. nothing it would go out of its way to act upon, but this "i owe my life to that stranger" thing it marvels at from time to time.

so, when the two cross paths ~3 years later in a different clinic in a different city, grimm feels compelled to at least get yarrow out of there before shit goes down; they've graduated to working riskier jobs with teams of outlaws instead of alone, so it's very much a "you saved my life, i'll save yours back and get you out of here and we can part ways for good" situation. or, that's what grimm tells itself :)

bonus pt0 grimm and yarrow designs hehe

#asks #confusedlucifer #thank you SO much for the ask #i was hoping to get it answered before i went to work but i am not quick at writing up responses bc i have So Many Words to say #and none of them are coherent until i reread everything #this part has existed in my brain for awhile i just haven't talked about it much #someone who is kind without thinking meeting someone who has encountered so little kindness in their life.......ough #like! of course grimm is going to be a little selfish and stick around when they know they should run away after saving yarrow #it's going to stay and hate itself while doing so because it loves like a dog and knows this. but also. nothing else is kind or gentle #yarrow's less intense with things but he's got his issues that mostly revolve around refusing to believe he'll ever do enough #to deserve good things? there's nuance there but that comes out more in p2 #just starts. barking. #honeybee #grimm #yarrow #grimmyarrow

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany. #and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

[sskk-manifesto]

(´･ᴗ･ ` )

#I really like the “We're the bad guys' enemy” line. For someone I generally despise Dazai has all my favourite lines in this show… #Idk I can't really vibe with the unbalance that there is between s/kk. #Like when push comes to shove‚ Dazai has the power to keep Chuuya alive or let him die. #I understand why they make a compelling dynamic in their complexity‚ but it just doesn't do it for me. #I'm a little sad my opinion on them hasn't really changed since I watched the anime for the first time... #Also; I really can't vibe with Chuuya allowing Dazai to kill Q. Yes I know Chuuya cares about his comrades deeply. #Yes I know it can be interpreted as Chuuya seeing himself in Q as a living weapon and being disgusted by it #(though I honestly don't think that was intentional of the author). #Yes I know Chuuya is a mafioso and kills people. No I don't think your personal issues justify you being a dick to other people I'm sorry. #Back to my main annoyance with the episode: I must have already talked about this but I hate hate hate the narrative #“the mafia works for the city” “the mafia deeply loves the city too” it's so so sickening and insulting please stop I'm begging. #Please visit any actual city with a rooted mafia presence for once in your life (signed: someone whose hometown was destroyed by the mafia. #The writers really don't know what they're talking about and‚ politely‚ it's offensive.) #Also b/sd keeping being extremely nationalist with Mori (who's largely depicted unsimphatetically for the first part of the episode)– #bringing up western thinkers and subtly mocking Fukuzawa for not knowing them– #and Fukuzawa (the righteous man. the noble spirit and just soul in this episode and Mori's antithesis)– #stepping forward to say that he knows strategists from the east (because who else would he need?) #I don't know if it's meant to symbolize the conflict with an hostile and invading foreign power (the Guild). #But it does come across as. A very isolationist way of thinking. #I know it's subtle but it's really evident for me. And I didn't want to talk about this any further… #But by bringing actual examples of this I hope I can better explain why I think that b/sd holds nationalist views– #and that I'm not just making it up out of nowhere. Otherwise I fear I'd only come off as pettily hostile to b/sd in everything #That's it. I feel like I've been losing a lot of mutuals over my main recently due to not shutting up (sorry) #so I suppose it's only fair I lose them on here too pffttt. #Tune in next week for more bad takes #random rambles