#hopefully a problem will just not manifest and my gut will accept that in time

[keeroo92]

Be My Nightmare Ch5

A Matter of Timing

IT’S BACK BABY!!! This chapter has a lil spice partway through, mentions of violence and such as per usual.

Word count - 3,901

~~~Previous Chapter~~~

___________

You waved goodbye to Kotomi and headed for Dr. Malphas’ office. It was time to give him an update, per protocol. You sighed and rubbed your wrist against your pants again, trying to get the last few flecks of charcoal off to no avail. Hopefully, he wouldn’t notice.

The heavy door was already open when you arrived. A good sign, he never left it open unless he was in a good mood.

“Good afternoon, Dr. Malphas. I’m here to give you an update on V,” you began with a smile.

Familiar grizzled features greeted you from behind the oak desk. A wrinkled hand indicated the leather armchair across from him and you obediently took your seat, offering the charts you brought along for his review.

“Right on time, as always. How’s the patient adjusting?”

Now for the hard part – how much to tell him. You paused to consider as he flipped through the pages, skimming your various notes and assorted data. What was safe to leave out? What did he need to know in order to treat the artist effectively? Certainly not everything. Definitely not the handshake.

“After a catatonic episode on day one and several auditory hallucinations, patient has stabilized enough to be left unrestrained at night. No further violent incidents have occurred since his admission.”

Malphas shifted in his chair to lean forward, his kind eyes locked on yours. “And he passed the G.O.A.T. a few hours ago, correct?”

You nodded and folded your hands in your lap, keeping the smudge out of his line of sight.

“In that case, it might be time to bring him to a group session,” Dr. Malphas said.

A group session. With other patients and access to a full array of art supplies. The idea of V around other patients felt unimaginably dangerous, but why? All you had was a knee-jerk reaction of abject dismay, no medical reasoning or evidence to support your hesitance. Only anecdotes and hearsay. What logical reason could you offer to keep him isolated?

None.

You swallowed and pursed your lips, trying not to fidget. “I agree. Which group has room?”

His eyes drifted to a slip of paper taped to his monitor and you took the opportunity to reposition your hands. “Looks like group three, they meet at four pm.”

A distant rush echoed in your ears as your heartbeat accelerated. “Today?”

Dr. Malphas met your gaze with an inquisitive expression, one grey eyebrow lifted high. “Unless there’s something you’re not telling me?”

Shit. What do I do?

If the artist wasn’t ready, it was your job as his doctor to know and inform the director. Failure to do so would reflect poorly on your abilities, not to mention the potential injuries the man might inflict. Someone could get hurt, someone could die.

Could. It’s equally possible nothing will go wrong.

You hated gambling. Certainty and planning were far more effective methods; taking chances wasn’t necessary if one foresaw any potential problems. Rolling the dice, letting the chips fall where they may… it turned your stomach.

But what was the alternative? Admitting you withheld potentially crucial information on your patient, risking everything you worked so hard to achieve? Not to mention Malphas would probably want to see the sketch, maybe even reassign V to Kotomi or Mustafa.

I’ve already made so much progress. It wouldn’t be fair for him to have to start over with a new doctor. It’s in his best interest for me to preserve the status quo.

“Dr. Waras? Are you all right?”

You blinked away the conflict and forced a smile onto your lips. It wouldn’t do to show any reason for concern.

“Yes, I’m fine. As I said, I have no reason to keep him in isolation. The medication seems to be working and he hasn’t shown any signs of aggression.”

He hummed and leaned back, making a note on V’s chart. “Excellent, see that it’s done, then. Good work.”

“Thank you, sir,” you said as you stood.

He finished his note and closed the folder, returning it to you with a kind smile. With the arm not streaked with charcoal, you accepted it with a smile of your own and turned to leave. The sooner you were gone, the better.

---V---

Never had he been more grateful for the freedom to pace. His legs tingled at first, unused to the activity after so long, but soon enough the sensation faded away. There wasn’t much room; four of his long strides took him from the door to the window.

The view wasn’t great. Through the metal bars, he found a plain grey structure with a matching barred window every few meters. At ground level, several trees lined the walkway that led to the intake area. Crows and robins flitted by occasionally, but other than that he saw no living creatures. A barren yet manicured area, to be sure.

If he’d designed it, a spectacular fountain would feature prominently. Filled with blood, of course. Water was so boring.

Other changes popped into his mind, but none quite so brilliant.

With his daily therapy session already complete, hours of solitude separated him from the next interaction. Plenty of time for planning. Schemes and machinations filled his mind, all the information he gathered so far serving to flesh out the vaguer details.

The importance of your eventual allegiance couldn’t be overstated; without you, he had almost no chance of escape. Kevin may also come in handy, depending on the timing. Once the fool served his purpose, he’d make an excellent canvas for you to practice on.

He shuddered as images of your future exploits flashed into existence. How lovely you’d look streaked in crimson, blade in hand and wearing a wide smile. Kevin’s screams would serve as an excellent soundtrack, mixed with your laughter. Sheer decadence.  

Heat gathered in his gut and his steps halted. Lithe fingers clenched as he tried to focus on his plotting, but his mind refused to cooperate. It was too alluring to imagine you bare and panting, begging him on your knees as he withheld his embrace.

Better yet, as he displayed his carnal skills on another woman, taunting you with every roll of his bloody hips. He’d take your hand and guide you as you flayed the flesh from her bones, sending her into shock. Blood would pool in every crevice of her body and coat his length. A magnificent hue only made more glorious by the canvas that displayed it.

Do it, you know you want to.

Nobody’s watching, you don’t have to hold back.

“Fuck…”

The plans could wait. His need couldn’t.

Softly slippered feet carried him to the camera’s blind spot, turned slightly toward the door. Slim fingers dove under the coarse fabric of his pants, wrapping around his hardening length and drawing it out. His breath hitched at the first contact, a deep groan following soon after as his hand moved.

What would your masterpiece look like? What vision would you strive to manifest, what tableau would you birth? A poetic arrangement of human hands, perhaps. Or a mosaic of molars, maybe a tower of tibias.

His thumb spread the first beads of his arousal over his head and he braced his other forearm against the wall. At this rate, he’d need the extra support.

He’d teach you everything he knew, every technique and method he learned at that ostentatious university. With every lesson, your devotion would grow. If you performed particularly well, perhaps he’d reward you with his tongue. What might you taste like?

His hand quickened, quiet gasps spilling from his lips as he leaned into his palm.

If you tasted even half as good as you smelled, he’d lose himself in lapping at your folds. Your subdued cries and spasming muscles would only motivate him more, especially if you tangled your hands in his hair. How high did your voice go? What pitch would make it break?

He rested his forehead on his braced arm, emerald eyes locked on his pumping fist. How he wished it was yours, with those delicate digits so soft and smooth…

A harsh clatter stole his attention as the door to his room swung open. He tried to turn away and compose himself, but he was far too slow.

Shit…

Worst timing ever, eh, Van Gogh?

There you stood, slack jawed and staring. What were you even doing here, he should’ve been alone for hours!

“Uh… s-sorry,” you stammered, closing your eyes and turning away.

Be careful. Don’t scare her.

The artist grimaced and covered himself. He’d really done it now, how was he going to fix this? Not with an apology, he couldn’t afford to appear weak. Not to mention he hadn’t done anything wrong. It was his room; he should be able to indulge himself if the desire struck.

A joke, then, to break the tension.

“You have the most unfortunate timing, Y/N. I was almost finished.”

A nervous chuckle rewarded his response, but it was clear in the slope of your shoulders you were still on edge.

“You can look, now. I’m decent.”

“R- right. Okay,” you replied, turning ever so slowly toward him. A faint blush stained your cheeks and you kept glancing away, unable to hold his gaze.

Honestly. It was just a cock, why were you acting so strange? Half the population had one, and he doubted it was the first you’d ever seen. You weren’t like most people, but not in that way. Why did you seem so embarrassed?

Unless…

His lips stretched into a wicked grin. You were embarrassed because you liked it. Perhaps you’d indulged in your own fantasies, imagining him doing unspeakable things to your body. How perfect, his machinations were bearing fruit already. Goosebumps erupted on his arms at the tantalizing idea.

Focus, you fool.

“Shut up, Vergil! I know,” he hissed under his breath, but your ears were too keen.

“What’s Vergil saying?”

Damn.

The artist moved to sit on the edge of his thin mattress, brushing strands of black out of his eyes. A deeper voice rumbled from the hall, probably Kevin’s by the sound of it. Yet another reason to tear him to pieces. Why must the idiot interrupt every moment he shared with you?

“Nothing that bears repeating,” he replied with a resigned sigh. “Why are you here?”

Shuffling feet drew closer and familiar meaty hands clicked a pair of cuffs in place on his wrists. What was going on? Was he being moved?

“You’ve been approved for group therapy. We’re here to escort you,” the accursed man answered.

Interesting… perhaps you’ll meet someone useful.

V bit his lip to keep from responding. What exactly group therapy entailed, he couldn’t say, but the term implied others were involved. An opportunity, then, at the very least. More tools to utilize in his plans. He stood with a restrained smile, humming his understanding.

“It starts in less than ten minutes, let’s go,” you said.

Kevin followed his every move as he joined you in the hallway. You still refused to meet his eyes, but the blush was already gone. What a shame.

As always, he paid special attention to the security checkpoints and any noteworthy details. It never hurt to gather more information. A fire extinguisher and alarm caught his interest, just on the other side of the first pair of gates.

Not a word broke the silence as you led him to the stairwell, descending a single flight before scanning your badge and opening the door to the second floor. He barely had time to glance outside before Kevin ushered him into a room a meter away. The journey took less than three minutes; obviously you could have easily left him to finish his activities and still brought him in time.

How inconsiderate…

Yet at the sight of the room, his frustration vanished. A plain-looking desk and chair sat in the far corner, a couch identical to the one in your office against the opposing wall. Counters lined the far wall, a sink and drying rack beside it.

But what stole his breath was the trio of easels standing nearby, a healthy variety of brushes and colorful tins of paint arranged on a round table to his right.

Tears of joy prickled at his eyes. A chance to paint, to create not with a discarded lump of charcoal but with actual brushes and whatever colors he pleased. He could scarcely believe his eyes.

“We’re a little early, so you get first pick of the easels. Kevin will be right beside you the whole time,” you said.

No doubt Kevin was intended to stop him, should he try anything rash. Unlikely; he was far more interested in painting.

Jeez, chill out Van Gogh! Try not to piss yourself.

He grunted but didn’t speak, too aware of his audience. Griffon had a point, though. It would be terribly foolish to let his guard down.

Still, his legs trembled in excitement as he approached the easels, selecting the one with the best view of the room as his own. Kevin brought over an assortment of supplies. The artist expected the man to restrain him somehow, but he only offered a smile and set up the items. The cuffs still held his wrists closer together than he would’ve liked, but he was free to stand and stretch.

His fingers itched to begin. What should he do? With such an array of tools, the possibilities were near limitless.

“Hello, Ken. This is V, he’ll be joining us from now on,” your gentle voice said.

The artist’s eyes darted to asses the new figure, a man of average build with tired eyes and a thin tuft of hair. His features twisted in anxiety, his fingers fidgeting as he took the next easel. A sturdy fellow dressed identically to Kevin shadowed him; so, each patient had their own minder.

“And here’s our last member. How are you feeling, Kelly?”

A rotund woman shuffled forward, eyes downcast and partially hidden behind a curtain of limp hair. Another agent of averageness, barely worth his notice under ordinary circumstances.

“I’m okay, Dr. Waras.”

Even her voice spoke of mediocrity. If she proved useful, it would be quite a shock.

“All right, everyone. Today I’d like you to paint me something that makes you feel angry. Go ahead and start whenever you’re ready.”

Wait, he had to follow a theme? Absurd, how dare you limit him. He’d paint whatever he pleased, and there was nothing you could do to stop him.

Yeah, how’s she supposed to know if something makes you mad? She’s gotta take your word for it!

A cough covered his amusement. The man to his left, Ken, jumped at the noise and he almost repeated himself. This was going to be such fun.

---Reader---

The assignment was of your own design, meant to grant you new insights into the artist in particular. Kelly and Ken, you already understood. They no longer held your interest.

Speaking of interesting things…

No! Stop thinking about it.

You honestly didn’t mean to interrupt V’s activities. When you peered through the small window, he was leaned against the wall and moving in a way that didn’t quite click. In your foolishness, you thought he was having an episode or perhaps a seizure. Not until the door opened and his full body was visible did you realize what he was doing.

You pursed your lips. Mixed with your embarrassment was anger at yourself for your reaction. Just standing there, gaping like a fish at his admittedly impressive length. Even such a brief glimpse left lingering images behind of his glistening head and stroking fingers.

How were you supposed to handle something like that? It’s not like you could pretend nothing happened, not with his teasing words making fun of you. Ridiculous, he should’ve apologized to you, not the other way around.

You forced it from your mind and took your usual spot at the desk, observing your three patients with a critical eye. Kelly hadn’t even picked up a brush yet, but Ken had a few streaks of blue on the canvas. V was still busy mixing colors together. Heat flooded your face as his fingers smoothly combined red and purple, the same hand he used to-

Stop thinking about it!

And he hadn’t washed his hands.

You shifted your weight, refusing to acknowledge the faint stirring inside you. You’d have to be a complete lunatic to indulge that line of thought.

An irritated huff drew your attention back to the artist. He was glaring at the mixture on his palette as if its very existence offended him. Kevin’s shoulders tensed as he noticed the hostility, bracing to intervene the moment it became necessary.

“This is unacceptable.”

Ken snuck a peek, his suspicion and curiosity obvious. The poor man had serious issues with sudden changes. It would’ve been better if you’d been able to tell him V was joining beforehand, but it didn’t matter at this point. The damage was done.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

The artist met his eyes with a scowl. “This color, it’s not right. Far too bright.”

Maybe you should’ve expected this. The man went to school for this, for heaven’s sake. Of course he’d be picky about his materials, given the chance.

“Oh. Okay then. Can’t you just add some black or something?” Ken replied.

This could be bad…

Ken’s words could easily be taken poorly, as an insult to the artist’s skills. You leaned closer, darkly curious how he’d react. Kevin was right there if he attacked, though he may do some damage if he aimed for the eyes. If not, it might be a sign of serious progress. Either way, an interesting development.

“No, that would make it too dark. Here, I’ll show you,” the black-haired murderer said calmly.

Huh.

Ken narrowed his eyes but listened as V patiently showed him the basics of mixing. It was incredible, a whole new facet of his personality you’d never seen before. He reminded you of a college art teacher, his every word laden with knowledge and enthusiasm. You thanked your lucky stars the room featured two cameras, allowing you to observe without worrying about taking down any details.

Even Kelly listened, showing more interest than you’d ever seen from her. He answered their questions and demonstrated some simple techniques, all with a total lack of hostility.

It filled you with regret. So much potential, wasted. He could’ve done so much if he took a different path. What a goddamned shame.

“Why don’t you try it now?”

Ken selected a blinding shade of yellow and a forest green, mixing them together with a spark of delight in his eyes. To your amazement, he actually laughed and thanked the artist for his explanation before turning back to his own easel.

Then V’s clever eyes met yours and he winked, a knowing smirk twisting his lips.

---V---

Winking might have been going too far, but he couldn’t resist. Not with that gob smacked look on your face. He knew you probably expected him to react differently, but Shadow’s warning roar broke through the haze of fury before it was too late. She truly was the best of them.

Ken was tolerable enough. He’d make a decent ally, when the time came. Perhaps during the next group session, he’d try to learn why the man was here, what made him tick. How to manipulate him.

Kelly was far less appealing. She lacked energy, the poor thing. She might serve as a decent canvas, but nothing more. What a shame.

He returned his focus to his easel. The color still refused to cooperate, but he’d have to make do. Enough time wasted on lesser pursuits; it was time to paint.

The first stroke of his brush was sheer bliss. His heart fluttered like a hummingbird’s wings as the bright crimson streak marked his canvas. A euphoric grin split his lips and one of his knees started bouncing in delight.  Oh, what perfection, to be able to hone his skills once again.

He tilted his head, assessing angles and planning the next several additions in advance. Time lost meaning as more and more layers covered the plain white foundation of his work, shades of red and purple and blue forming the shapes in his mind.

He was a conduit for a higher purpose, tapping into something far larger than himself. This was his purpose. Every mark he added brought him closer to nirvana, his arm flying across with practiced ease.

A deep cough shattered his trance. Rage pulsed under his skin as he shot a glare at Kevin, only just resisting the urge to drive the handle of his brush through his nostril and deep into his brain. The time would come, but this wasn’t it.

Destroying the fool held almost as much appeal as burying his cock in your core.

“We’re almost out of time, guys. Ten more minutes,” you announced.

Panic bloomed in his chest. It was too soon, he needed more time. He couldn’t bear the thought of being locked in that small room for however long, cut off from his purpose once again.

You have no choice. Focus.

Vergil was right. He lacked the means to fight back, for now.

The artist sighed and gauged his work. Not even close to his high standards, but he hadn’t used such mediocre supplies in years. He couldn’t expect perfection, not with such lackluster tools. All he could do was add a little bit more purple, perhaps a touch of yellow…

The final touch was two rapid strokes of black, meeting in the lower right corner. He smirked, remembering the day he changed his name. The one his parents granted him at birth didn’t befit him, far too mundane to be attributed to his masterpiece. It would’ve been such a chore signing such a complicated string of letters, he much preferred his chosen moniker.

“We’re out of time, everyone. Let’s see what you made.”

You approached Ken’s easel first, praising his use of color. V allowed himself a moment of self-congratulation for his teaching before taking a look. He had to bite his cheek to contain his laughter, but even so a snort slipped free.

The man painted a cat.

A cat with a pistol.

What the…

My sentiments exactly.

How did you maintain your composure? It baffled him, a cat with a gun did nothing to you, yet the sight of his cock made you stutter. Unbelievable. You definitely broke the mold.

Kelly’s canvas showed a poorly executed portrait, splotchy blobs for eyes and a thin line of pink forming what he assumed to be a mouth. Pitiful, yet you offered her praise as well.

Then you came to his.

“Oh… Um, very nice work, V. Very detailed,” you offered.

“Thank you, Dr. Waras. Would you like to keep it?”

You pursed your lips and shook your head, fingers tapping on your thighs. “That’s all right. Go ahead and escort them back to their rooms, please. I’ll clean up.”

The artist shrugged as if he didn’t care and allowed Kevin to lead him from the room. The last sight before he turned the corner was of your face, staring at his creation as if it held the secrets of the universe.

~~~Next Chapter~~~

#fanfic #Be My Nightmare #dmcv #dmc #v x reader #reader insert #devil may cry #spicy #scheming bastard #darkv #mental illness

[singingwordwright]

Shadowhunters recap - s2ep18 “Awake, Arise, or Be Forever Fallen”

SHADOWHUNTERS Recaps Intro and Masterlist

These recaps may contain spoilers from the books (that may or may not happen in the show.) Proceed at your own risk.

Recap and meta under the cut.

Gotta give it to Max, he’s a little badass. Temper that with a bit of discretion and maybe he’ll actually live to reach adulthood, contrary to all book canon. Like, seriously Max, you couldn’t have gone to find Alec or Izzy once you realized what the hair leading you to Sebastian meant, instead of confronting Sebastian yourself?

Gratifying just how many times Sebastian gets stabbed in this episode. Of course, I’d prefer it if one of them was a mortal wound, but alas…

If Lindsay was lurking in the hall outside Alec’s office, she should have heard Max’s head crack against the desk. A blow hard enough to knock someone out and cause them to bleed from their nose and ears would be LOUD. I’ve literally heard real people hit their heads in ways that do much less damage and it sounded like a melon exploding.

Now that the banter and fun goofing around is back, so is Simon and Maia’s chemistry. I think this is the magic of Simon. I bought the Climon relationship the most when he and Clary were being giggly and having fun together. I found Simon and Maia’s chemistry in s2ep06 to be off the charts, again, when they were bantering and laughing. For some reason, whenever Simon forgets to be that guy whom women can laugh and have fun with, he loses a lot of what makes him click in his various potential pairings.

My frustration hit its peak with the fact that Sebastian was right there in the middle of everything while everyone was all, “Where is Jonathan?” There’s only so many times you can yell “HE’S THERE!!! HE’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE IN FRONT OF YOU!!!” at the TV before you just throw your hands up in the air and say, “You know what? Fuck it. You’re too stupid to live. I hope he guts you all.”

They carried this plotline right up to the brink of me hitting that point.

Current sexuality: Magnus saying, “m’lady.”

“Your crush” Oh, I’ll show you a fucking crush, you pint-sized wretch!

Let’s all take a moment to bow our heads and be grateful the producers are making a young-adult urban fantasy show and not a hospital drama. Because they would be really, really bad at it. Seriously I was cringing.

And what the fuck were the runes flashing on the monitor over Max’s head about? Are they there to remind the infirmary medics “This is how you draw an iratze. This is how you draw Nourishment. This is how…” (I’m not sure what that last one was, but it looked like some Shadowhunter stylized version of the Caduceus or the rod of Asclepius.)

Of all the times for Magnus to refuse to take Alec’s call.

Wow. I’d forgotten what an asshole Season 1 Alec could be. He’s come a long way, considering that in-universe it has literally been six weeks since he and Magnus met (No, seriously, check out my timeline if you doubt me. I did the math so you don’t have to.)

I say “asshole” in the most loving way possible, of course. He had his reasons, but he was indeed an asshole. It just goes to show how unhappy and uncomfortable in his own skin he was, and how much losing that burden of hiding himself away from the world impacted him.

Still, I sort of wanted Magnus to push back a little harder when Alec low-key threatened him. “If you let anyone know…”/“Oh, you’ll do what, Shadowhunter?” Because Magnus could almost certainly kick Alec’s ass with all but one of his little pinky fingers broken.

I’m glad we’re finally getting down to business with the whole Ollie thing. But IIRC it’s against the Accords (or Covenant?) to let mundanes know anything about the Shadow world. Which means Luke could be in trouble if the Clave gets wind of her finding out.

And why is so so eager to know, anyway? Like, why was she all up in his business?

I’m wondering if it doesn’t actually have something to do with Maia, considering the way Ollie zeroed right in on her. Say, Ollie’s a cop, but she also, idk, moonlights helping Sam (who maybe is a private investigator?) by taking on missing person cases at the behest of desperate families. Contrary to book canon, we’ve been given some indication that Maia’s parents may actually care for her, so what if they hired Sam and Ollie to track Maia down, and find out she’s gotten mixed up in what might look to be (on the surface) a weird wolf-worshipping cult?

IDK I’m just spinning bullshit theories.

I like how at SDCC Isaiah said that Luke is grooming Maia to take over the pack someday, and how we actually sort of saw that in action here.

I liked Jace’s distress here, because with the exception of s2ep08 and a pat on the head in the last episode, we haven’t really seen him and Max interact or gotten any impression of how his relationship is with Max. And his distress here feels a lot more…sincere? relatable, maybe?...than his oft-repeated bouts of brooding manpain over his upbringing under Valentine.

And, strangely, his pain feeling more genuine also made Clary’s empathy and support feel more genuine. This moment made me feel more of a connection between them than just about any other moment they’ve had on-screen together.

Funny how when you build a relationship between characters out of moments and situations that are arise organically within the plot—rather than forcing it—it just works better, isn’t it?

I feel like I should say something about Bat, but I just don’t have much of an impression of him or what part he’s going to play within the plot, yet. Kevin Alves seems incredibly sweet and eager to be a part of the show, however, so there’s that?

“Rebooting of the brain.” Really? (The part of me that actually knows something about medicine is rolling its eyes so hard right now. This was badly done. Suspension of disbelief in one area only works if you are meticulously grounded in accurate reality in other areas, and this would have been a good area to do that. Massive head trauma that can’t be magically woo-wooed away.)

I have lots of thoughts on the decision to keep Max alive, most of them not good. I was prepared for the pain of him dying, which would have struck pretty close to home because I have a 10yo son. And as a storyteller, I think it would have gone a long way to establishing the stakes for this story.

Like, Valentine wants to commit genocide, and Sebastian wants to help him. We all get that. And we’re all horrified by it. But genocide is a MASSIVE concept to try to really wrap your head around. The human brain, I think, tends to shield you from really grasping it. It’s just too much.

This is a problem faced often by storytellers who are writing stories in which the fate of the world is at stake. It’s too big. The audience can’t connect with it personally, can’t internalize it. So you take that, and you distill it to make the stakes personal. One death, of a character who is beloved by your protagonists and hopefully by your audience, an innocent with all the potential in the world that will now never manifest, stands in for the thousands or millions who will actually die if the bad guy isn’t stopped. That death becomes a rallying point for your protagonists, and a symbol to your audience of just how evil your bad guy is and how much he needs to be stopped.

In short, Max needed to die. He needed to die as tragically as possible. It would have had a lot more storytelling mileage.

God. This scene was just everything I could have asked for their first time to be. I’m pretty sure I wrote a line in a fanfic once about Magnus telling Alec that one of the rules of his bed was that you had to be able to laugh in it, so the giggling and giddiness was just so perfect. And the fact that Magnus responded “No such thing” when Alec expressed concern that he might be doing something wrong is really something else I could have written myself.

It was tender and sweet and sexy without being objectifying and I loved it.

I will say, though, I’m probably in the minority in that I never wanted or needed to see a scene where Alec was confronted with Magnus’s cat eyes for the first time and explicitly stated his unstinting acceptance of him. I always felt it would be othering to go that route. And I felt like this idea that Magnus, who is so incredibly powerful, would lose control so easily a little absurd. I always liked to imagine that the idea that Alec would find NOT being accepting of Magnus unthinkable, that he would be honestly and sincerely befuddled by the idea that Magnus’s eyes might be a Big Deal. “Yeah, he’s a warlock, he has a warlock mark, I’m not sure why that’s supposed to be something that matters.”

That said, if they were going to go there, then this was the way to do it. The thread that weaves through Magnus and Alec’s story in this episode and ties past to present is the fact that they come from different worlds, and with those different worlds come different obligations and priorities. So in this case, the othering was entirely the point and it played into that theme.

So, if it had to happen, I’m glad it at least happened within this context and wasn’t just schmaltzy.

I really loved Luke being such a badass here but I’m certain allowing Russell to live is a bad idea.

Seriously, though, Russell. Not only is Luke a badass just as a werewolf, but he’s got the martial training of a Shadowhunter. How do you imagine you’re going to win this?

Probably one of the most realistic fight scenes I’ve ever seen in terms of showing just how exhausting fighting becomes in very short order. Too many drag out too long before the combatants start to show fatigue.

I really want to know about the cooks at the Jade Wolf. Are they werewolves themselves? Is that why the kitchen staff never bats an eye at anything, including these people waltzing in and out of the kitchen and storeroom?

The scene with Maia explaining her backstory was extremely well done and Alisha Wainwright is all things wonderful and I love her.

“This is what love got me.” Let’s take a moment to recognize the symmetry of Maia and Simon’s stories though. Becoming a vampire, a Downworlder, is what love got Simon as well.

I can’t say anything about this scene that hasn’t been said before, and better, since they released it as a sneak peek. But it’s so beautiful and my heart hurts.

Magnus’s moment with the Lightwoods all together on one side of the hall and him by himself on the other is incredibly poignant but I can’t find the words to really examine it properly. This is the point at which things just began to hurt too much and my brain stopped being able to cope with it.

I’d really like to know how Jace, who can sense Alec’s happiness over things like having sex with his boyfriend for the first time, couldn’t sense the lack of a spike in grief that would have surely occurred upon Max’s death. Grrr.

The fight sequence with Sebastian taking out all the guards was amazing and Will Tudor is brilliant. Did he really use a sword that was still stuck through someone’s body to parry a blow?

What the hell was with him just using his hand to open the crypt, though? No rune or anything. Can Sebastian somehow channel magic?

This whole thing with Clary was awesome and for once she seemed to be working for her miracles so I’ll ungrudgingly let her have this. The one thing I don’t know is what finally tipped her off about Sebastian. Was the electrum nugget thing too warm after he handled it? Did she just realize she never saw his palm? What made her chase after him and check his palm?

I loved her stabbing him. Twice. I’m fully in support of stabbing Sebastian. Yes. Please. Let’s stab Sebastian more. Sebastian for Pincushion 2k17.

Sebastian continues to be a creepy-ass fuck. Seriously, WHY did they decide to go with the incestuous obsession thing? There are so many other places they could have taken that story.

I like that her Open rune that burned through Magnus’s wards also exploded the Institute security doors. I appreciated that for a couple reasons. First, because Sebastian taught her to do that, to use her runes and make them more powerful. Second, it’s also a nice little nod to the books, since we didn’t get that scene of Clary totally disintegrating and blowing up Valentine’s barge with that rune.

Sebastian has vamp speed, too?

I want to ship them, but I haven’t managed it yet. In-universe it’s been like, a week, since Clary and Simon broke up. And of course we know they’re not end-game. But the writers ended up making me buy Climon more than I ever expected to, so maybe they’ll do the same with this one.

I just don’t want to see either of them hurt, so if Simon ends up ending it with Maia, I’m going to be upset, and if Maia ends up ending it with Simon I’ll be upset. *sigh*

I hated seeing the home Simon has been making for himself torn apart like that.

This is the moment of my first death and the beginning of buckets of tears. This look on Magnus’s face after Alec says “our way back to each other.” I can’t. I just can’t. He’s just so heartbroken here.

And the way Alec’s eyes close when Magnus touches him.

And the way Magnus’s voice almost breaks when he says “I love you, too.”

And the way Magnus is trying to smile, just a little. To hold on to some of the joy he’s found with Alec. To file this portion of his life away as a happy memory. To remember Alec as a good thing and not a source of sorrow.

There are so many nuances here and every single one of them fucking slays me dead.

Alec’s disbelief and denial.

Alec’s youthful, naïve insistence that if they just work hard enough, if they’re just determined enough, they can find a way, and Magnus’s world-weary wisdom and centuries of experience telling him there’s just no chance for them.

“You once asked me what I was afraid of. It’s this.”

And here’s my second death. That all along we thought that Magnus was afraid of being alone, being abandoned, like Camille said, he never does well losing the people he cares about.

So, we’ve always thought he was afraid Alec would break his heart. Leave him. Be repulsed by him. Choose duty over him.

We should have known better. Magnus has lived long enough to have his heart broken before, and he knows he’ll survive it.

His real fear is inflicting that pain, that loss, on someone else.

My third and finale death. Alec stifling a sob is where I just lose it entirely.

So I guess what I’m saying here?

Yes, this is a break-up. That’s my read on it. Sorry. It just is.

I don’t believe it’s a permanent one. Of course it’s not. If they’re not back together by the end of the season, at least on some sort of tentative, provisional basis, I’ll be very surprised and extremely pissed off. If I’m left with this boulder sitting on my chest over the hiatus I’m not sure I’ll survive. This show is supposed to be my happy place and I think if they leave me in this hurty place for very long it’s going to ruin it for me.

I don’t think the producers will let this linger long.

But this scene right here? As far as Magnus is concerned in this exact moment as he’s walking away from Alec?

He thinks they’re done. He thinks they’re over. He means it to be that way.

Something will happen to make him change his mind, though, and that’s important. Because here’s the thing:

We’ve seen Alec choose Magnus over and over and over.

He chose Magnus in s1ep06 when he walked away from the Institute and duty to take an evening to at least investigate the possibility of doing something that wasn’t about duty.

He chose Magnus in s1ep12 when he walked away from his own wedding.

He chose Magnus in s2ep06 when he turned his back on his own fears and misgivings and plunged into this relationship.

He chose Magnus in s2ep08 when he challenged his mother’s lack of acceptance repeatedly and sent her a very pointed message about their relationship.

He chose Magnus in s2ep10 when he rejected Aldertree’s words about the impossibility of relationships between Shadowhunters and Downworlders.

He chose Magnus in s2ep13 when he risked censure from the Inquisitor to take a stand for what’s right.

Even when everything he’s ever been trained and brought up to do is telling him to do the opposite, he has chosen Magnus repeatedly.

The only time we haven’t seen him choose Magnus was with regard to keeping the secret about the Soul Sword, and even then, his choice was about Magnus, even if it was paternalistic and wrong-headed.

What we haven’t seen, though?

We haven’t seen Magnus choosing Alec. We see him clearly aware of the difficulty in their situation, especially since s2ep12, but he never really chooses to stand against it. Which is not to say he’s not committed, not at all. We’ve seen Magnus put himself on the line and expose himself and make himself vulnerable for Alec. That’s huge. But with the exception of his hesitation to keep pursuing Alec in s1ep12, we haven’t seen him make that same deliberate decision to damn the obstacles between them and make this relationship happen. His commitment has been more along the lines of ducking and covering and hoping whatever is heading toward them blows over before it pushes them to this critical juncture.

We need to see him make that choice. Everything since s2ep12 has been leading to him making that choice.

Now, I don’t want to step outside my lane, so I’m gonna tread carefully here. 

The thing we have to remember is that Alec, coming from the privileged group, is much safer choosing Magnus than Magnus is in choosing Alec. He’s got that safety net built in, so it’s easier for him. He may face censure and perhaps a decrease in some of his advantages (like being passed over for job promotions) but no consequences that he might face are on the same level of what Magnus might face.

So the two dilemmas and the choice to stand against their respective obstacles are not equal. If Magnus choses their relationship over his people, he doesn’t just face censure, he faces genocide. Pretty big difference there. The only possible way he can justifiably choose Alec at all is if he somehow discovers that choosing Alec dovetails conveniently with the best way to protect himself and his people.

My prediction is that something in the next episode, or in the finale at the latest, is going to bring Magnus to that decision point and make him turn around.

But for the moment? Right now, this scene?

I know it’s going to be an unpopular opinion, but Magnus really does mean this to be a breakup.

#shadowhunters #shadowhunters meta #meta #s2ep18 #recaps #s2b

[veniceperformanceart]

Ein Gespräch – A Conversation

By Aisha Ryannon Pagnes

Conversations between ART WEEK writer Aisha Ryannon Pagnes and artists and co-curators of the III Venice International Performance Art Week 2016.

Photograph © Claudia Popovici.

In order of appearance:

(LSC): Leisa Shelton-Campbell

(JK): Julius Kaiser

(ADR): Alexander Del Re

(ARP): Aisha Ryannon Pagnes

(K): Kyrahm

(NF): Nicola Fornoni

(DQ): Douglas Quin

(SW): Susanne Weins

(SV): Sašo Vollmaier

(HC): Helen Cole

(LC): Lorne Covington

(JM): James McAllister

(PRS): Preach R Sun

(JE): Jeannette Ehlers

(NB): Nathalie Anguezomo Mba Bikoro

The gift, or the awful burden of the artist is that they see details in the world and they see their implications and that is what they bring into the space; we all walked passed that old woman, we all walked past that box on the ground by that old woman, we all walked passed. But they can’t because of the dynamic of that person and how they relate to the very fact that people were walking past and they have to do something with it. But we were all there. I don’t think they can present anything different, they are just presenting rather than ignoring. (LSC)

The difference between manifesting and showing is getting to the heart. (JK)

And by mediating between ideas and people you are in a position where you can open a question, but I doubt we can provide an answer; I am not convinced that I have any solution to the problem. (ADR)

How do you think this can be misinterpreted? (ARP)

These topics are so fragile that anything is enough to cause misunderstanding. (K)

When something is taken out of context and put into an anonymous realm

it is everyone’s to play with and assume a context for. (LSC)

It is not that complex, in fact, it is very simple… (NF)

Disconnect the brain and connect the heart.

And it is that idea of being alive, and maybe it is as simple as that. (DQ)

There was a very strong need to express movement. It is there that I felt the most alive.

This feeling of where life is… (SW)

But the reality is that when I close the door I close myself. So this is what I need to learn, how to live this quality outside... (SV)

What is this quality?

It’s curiosity… This is what I am looking for, not just for others but also in my Self.

Believing in human creativity… all this aggression, all these suppressed feelings exist because we are creative creatures… so he welcomed aggression, to ask what’s behind this, what’s unread and to transfer this aggression into the voice, into movement, dance; to focus on each person’s expression as a creative source… and express this… this fragility… and suddenly all these colours… but you have to go through all those true personal states, you really have to go into your guts and feel this pain to find a true voice, something which is meaningful… (SW)

I was always connected to the voice through my family… more so with my father.

There were nine children in the family and I think singing was also a way to survive.

They would sing together to get emotionally stronger,

so this tradition I remember because they kept it, till now.

For me performance is almost like surviving. It is going to a deep process of… almost of death… and surviving this… many fears… (SV)

Sašo Vollmaier and Susanne Weins. Photograph © Lorenza Cini.

It is the cornerstone of art, because art for art’s sake is so tautologically irrelevant, it is very easy to produce, it is a comfort zone for many artists. I need some challenge and the challenge involves the other, it involves failure, in many ways, because in performance you are not supposed to have everything under control and do exactly as you thought you would, I don’t believe in that kind of practice. (ADR)

Knots were forming and I wasn’t able to disentangle them. I wasn’t able to make a homogeneous wig: it was full of knots. It was all a process of becoming and I wanted to let myself be transported by a continuous and unpredictable flow.

I found myself within the situation and I wasn’t trying to govern it,

I let my Self be moved, I surrendered.

When I am performing I am in a therapeutic level. I do try to transform something from its negative to its positive through actions towards the public.(NF) Even though we are not using performance art as therapy, we are not supposed to, we are not qualified to, it has some therapeutic aspects to it at some levels and I am aware that I am using it in my own personal life. You are using your body not only as a tool, but as a terrain, as a battlefield and addressing phobias is a good way to be aware of the body, because you become aware of its fragility. (ADR)

It dealt with an aspect of loss. (HC)

It is part of life… Tied to the gestural action, to the preciousness your feel of yourself, or a body, or a relationship, or an experience lived personally. Art needs to make you identify with what it wants to say, with the mind, with the spirit and heart. (NF)

How much more marvellous and essential, of synthesis, direct, a punch to the stomach, no filters. (JK)

It is just an ongoing investigation (ADR) of addressing things that our minds have problems with: it touches you at a visceral level, and that is a way of getting people to think about it. (DQ)

It is an open exercise in dealing with difficulties, especially when you are dealing with something that can be really difficult to perceive, it’s a good exercise for understanding other people’s perception, too.

Many times we forget about what the audience perceives or what they want to perceive, and sometimes it is interesting to work with things that are difficult to perceive for the audience, too, because there is always someone in the audience that can do that and others that can’t. Many of the things I address come from my daily experience, and how the understanding of one another can be faulty in many ways or incomplete, and I feel the need of addressing these issues, maybe just to provide some other perspective. And sometimes that change of perspective can be very useful for an audience, to see something that they haven’t seen before. Art is a communication tool really. It is a form that can create ways of communicating with each other, in unexpected ways, complex ways, lots of ways. If there is no communication I think performance art would be empty. Performance art creates a temporary situation in which people can be real but disconnected from reality, and that breaks some of the barriers people have. (ADR)

It’s about place. You are bringing everybody together in that place and giving to them a way to interact with one another in a way they never have before. Really creating a new kind of space. (LC)

It’s a different language. (JK)

So then you realise that it is a common language, which maybe has something to do with a collective common imaginary. (K)

I think it is the only language that enables you to express your Self with authenticity and without added filters. I had a necessity of extreme truth in terms of my own personal life, and through art I found the way to express my Self without suffering. The moment I live the creative experience I feel like I am living in the right dimension.

Everything recomposes in equilibrium, harmoniously. (K)

It can lead to failure, but failure isn’t failure if you think of it in terms of growth. (ADR)

James McAllister. Photograph © Edward Smith.

I wanted to work with people, to be in touch with people…

I studied human beings, and this was so interesting. Our task was to study, to see what the problems are… we had to learn how to see, to look at people, to learn what they could have.

I see the strength of people. I see the strength of the body… loosing blood while keeping concentration… how strong the body is... So then I wondered:

“What is the most fragile?”

And then I thought: “Yes... relations... society, how to cope for example with strains, with this energy…

This is the most fragile… relations... what we try to do really is to strengthen relationships.” (SW) And to rediscover ourselves socially, not in places of worship, socialising or business transactions, but a shared art making creates a safe space to discover each other potential— an inward turning of outward creative energies. (DQ)

It gives space to more direct relationships, as opposed to the daily mundanity, which is based a lot on the flattening of conversations, flattening of time, which always runs short anyway, so then here your are giving your Self, your time, you go back to a way of relating that is normal, before or beyond contemporaneity.

It gives space to be able to accept that which I went through with the energy that the public gives back. This freedom from negativity I find it to be an experiential exchange of love. (NF)

I wanted to use something that is personal and social at the same time, almost anyone has some sort of phobia.( ADR)

But the necessity doesn’t lie in needing to talk about one’s Self, but to express the message, which in us is entrusted. Revealing one’s Self, revealing one’s own fragility somehow gives you strength because not hiding your own discomfort which in any case you are constantly afraid of it being revealed, gives you awareness... And awareness is everything. (K)

When we release something, we lose this sense of judgment. (SV)

Seeing their emotion, the trembling of their voices… their breath even, under the gaze of the public. (K)

You are tackling immaterial fragile relationships… And because you need to engage the audience somewhat directly, fragility has to be seen… but what happens if you don’t see anything, if you just perceive something. For some people that perception can be interesting but for some people it does nothing, that too can happen. (ADR)

I don’t know how far it goes once it leaves the room… (LC)

OK so what’s for dinner? (DQ)

Douglas Quin and Lorne Covington. Photograph © Alexander Harbaugh.

I know that things that touched me deeply in my life I still remember and have coloured my perspective, so hopefully what happens when they leave the room, who knows, you touch them in some sort of way. (LC)

It is my strong belief that something very special can happen between people, where you have to be very present both as an audience and as an artist, and there is something about our world that kind of prevents you from doing that; a lot of the time we build up resistance to that and I think performance is one of those strategies we can employ to break down the border, to 

Feel. Again. Together. (HC)

In Ecce (H)omo (by Kyrahm) there is a woman in the second room.

She is listening to her partner’s tapes:

Love messages.

She was with her for 23 year.

You are there with her, your back to the wall, facing this woman’s profound love.

So I am showing you this sentiment, and this can be far more effective than a debate on the meaning of love (and the violation of human rights when societal structures neglect this on the basis of categorisations.) (ARP) Therefore, at a certain point art and activism meet and it is this, being able to use effective ways and enable the public to reach the same conclusions, vehicled by a different language, that of the heart that enabled this connection, between everyone. (K)

It is based on the simple biology of osmosis, you have a concentration of saline solution and a membrane and a concentration of lower saline solution, and what happens is the salt passes through the membrane, it is what happens in our cells, the salt passes through the membrane until the concentration of salinity are equal, that is what I think is I’m trying to look at.

I aspire to creating some sort mechanism where the flow of information in between the artist and the witness is kind of equal, where there is as much coming one way as there is the other, so what I tried to make was a series of apertures through which things would flow in both directions, in a more or less restricted way. (JM)

An encounter between people. (K)

You have this range of intensity of what you can exchange, so the value of that transaction really depends on how much you are willing to put into it. (ARP)

The creation of a link between my Self and the other,

how am I reflected in the other and how they are reflected in me. (ADR)

Sometimes, situations confront you with yourself, in whichever way and then you realise that you have a lot to work on… and the connecting link here is this recognised belief that everything is so fragile, and that we are not perfect, and that we need to connect, and we need to share, and we need to understand one another. (ARP)

Confrontation requires a great effort. (K)

some people were eager to discuss this

some people didn’t want to address it at all

and some people even rejected it. (ADR)

No matter what you feel, the very fact that you won’t understand it, that you want to reject it...

It is already too late because I planted a seed in you. (PRS)

Leisa Shelton-Campbell and Marilyn Arsem. Photograph © Claudia Popovici.

Art is a peaceful rebellion. (NF)

A form of resistance.

There are various forms of resistance. (JK)

There is no attention to the individual, which could be a universe of its own, categorical to nothing. I could even choose to be a completely transparent being, indefinable, that daily morphs its own gender, its own identity, this too can exist...

Yet convictions of what society expects from you, that perform a function, can at some point become very strong shackles of social control and to live the experience of deconstructing and re-inventing who you are (K) has to do with self-determination: I define myself based on what I feel, not based on what is imposed on me.

And the political act is that to show one’s Self for who you are, and the language of performance art is that of the body, which in any case is true to itself. A person is born with a body, like we all do and this body is ‘described’ based on notions of gender. Human society has prerequisites, it has rules; that everything should return to a gender binary. (JK) There is no acknowledgment of the various infinite shades of identity. (K) Society still expects a boy or a girl. (JK)

A society still highly patriarchal, catholically conditioned and controlled, and it shows through these issues. (K)

It has to do with the amount of differences that each individual is being exposed to – culturally, mentally, religiously spiritually; suddenly everything enters your sphere of how the other lives and it can be threatening because we are so basic, we are so simple and we need comfort, we need stability and the moment it is disrupted you instil this sense of fear; it takes a lot of self-deconstruction to be able to realise what is the faulty key in the system, in relationships, in society, but in order to do that you have to present a model or to inspire a means of communication that is uncharted, and to see it objectively

and that is really difficult because you are also part of it. (ADR)

Artivism if you may. (K)

Activism has a lot to do with reclaiming.

A neglected right that I reclaim, so most often there is a contraposition where these situations create conflicts and internal ones, too, because what I see in the world, my partner sees differently, and so you create a conflict based on differences.

The dynamic of the message is something else, and the main difference here is that in art there is no counterattack. There is feeling, there is enabling a condition to be felt, and that may just as well bring people closer, despite their clashing ideologies. Activism is frequently tied to the contrast in ideologies; in art ideologies don’t reign, there is the human experience, there is life, there is death, there is sickness, there is joy, there is love, there is suffering.

But this suffering, I try to share... there is sharing, yes, so it is a different approach that tends to shorten gaps, or perhaps even widen them, at an emotive level, because effectively I can distance myself from a strong emotion, but it is a peaceful reaction. (JK)

So rather than just talking about statistics or climate change as a political problem or an issue, I think it is important to appeal to people’s senses and emotions rather than just their intellect, so people can hear and not just be overwhelmed by data of how quickly the ice is melting or what have you…

So, what does it sound like?... (DQ)

Is that a voice? Is that the wind? (LC)

How do we relate?

We relate to one another through sight, through sound, through touch…

Alexander Del Re. Photograph © Edward Smith.

So I think the sensory engagement is a very important part of the message rather than just a data dump where people can feel overwhelmed and a bit helpless.

It becomes art as a social interaction.

The ultimate goal for us, is self-awareness but also awareness of what’s out there. (DQ)

So with all this raising of awareness, the need to communicate these ideas (because art in a way is just another tool for communication) everyone is craving answers, everyone is craving solutions, so what should an audience go home with? (ADR)

That human voices are part of a fabric of many voices. (DQ)

As an artist you can provide possibilities, ideas, or questions that can be tackled differently, and I you can rethink possibilities but I don’t think there is a solution that I can provide. (ADR)

Part of the contract of the piece is how you relate to each other and not just to the work. People then become aware of their own behaviour, and aware of other people, and that is the key for us. That you become more self-aware but also more aware of other people.

That it’s not just me, I, we, it’s us.

That dynamic is really beautiful, and people get it when they start paying attention. (DQ)

That difference of active engagement. So this is about layers of responsibility, of people’s desire to engage to take time, to go in and say “oh yep, got it” or to chose to go in and have a relationship and bid your time and to make the transaction, which some people really did, and when you see it all there, you get this really clear representation of humans.

Here we all are, here it all is. The levels with which we transact our relationships.

And that is very telling. (LSC)

An ongoing investigation of human relations. (ADR)

Bianca Bonaldi and Nicola Fornoni. Photograph © Catarina Ragg.

And now when I see people talking about progress, in my personal experience we have not progressed at all. So for me the issue of race in America is something that I experience first hand, so when I hear people philosophise or talk about these issues from this hypothetical or statistical point of view, and not understanding the experience and how it plays out, it sometimes infuriates me.

If we can postulate that human beings are free by nature, but that freedom requires a moral and intellectual responsibility, and if we live in a society where so many of us are struggling and starving while so few have so much, then what I do know is that this society is not free. So if someone says that we are scared of freedom, it means we are scared to fighting against something, because if we reach humanity that means that people won’t be in prisons, people won’t be starving, we’d be taking care of each other. I don’t know what freedom is, but I think that is what it would look like, maybe it is utopian. I think we are in a pre-revolutionary phase now, and unfortunately that’s where a lot of people don’t like me because I describe myself as an anarchist and an active nihilist. I believe that you have to burn down in order to rebuild. First and foremost, we have to organise.

I think the poor have to organise, the black have to organise around the globe, and I think everyone else will organise around, and that is why I use blackness as a political means to activate revolution. But I don’t think we would want to do that because we are constricted or tied down or bound by need, so we need things to look like this, we need our cars, we need our nice clothes, we need our bars, we need to sit in big comfort, so that is why I think the brilliance of capitalism and globalisation is that it has us conditioned, and that is how we remain slaves, so it might seem impossible, and it is impossible if we think it is impossible. We are scared of being failures, it is this conditioning, fear of being ostracised. “What do you mean you don’t have this or that?” So I think it is that condition where in essence we are perpetuating our own slavery. (PRS)

Even failure is a good thing to experience, but of course it is difficult to embrace failure, you are not supposed to, that is the problem. (ADR)

What is not freedom –

That we live like this is not freedom. We have to crush the blocks, all of them, and I think they reflect issues of sexuality, race, religion, culture, we have to question everything; all these things that we don’t want to question, all these institutions, they have to be challenged, so how far do we want to go? I am hopeful about younger generations, but at the same time

I don’t think they will be as radical; it is difficult for white children to free themselves from privilege. It’s always our responsibility to be vigilant and to stand up against the powers. And I think that to co-opt and to be a part of the system, takes over at a certain point because it is called responsibility, it is called adulthood, there are many ways to try to get the youth to change their minds. So I think it is always a thing that when people are young they are radical, they are standing for the date, they believe in freedom, they believe in these things and it is not fair to blame them, it happens with every generation. It is hard to break free.

It is hard for anybody to standalone.

And hear people talk about you and call you crazy.

I think generally humans want to love each other, or they try, but I think there is a flaw in humanity. (PRS)

And art is a tool, a social weapon. (NF)

Preach R Sun and ORLAN. Photograph © Alexander Harbaugh.

I have encountered racism many times. Maybe more subtly, but still I experience racism every day, since the structure of our society is racist. It might not be personal to me, but still the whole structure of the society influences me as well. The stronger you are in your own history, the stronger you will seem. They listen to you because they see that there is a connection, they might not understand that but they see that something is there. I don’t expect people to do it overnight, it takes time, I’m still trying to decolonize myself, I’m not there at all and it is an ongoing thing because it is so rooted in our structures, deep into ourselves, it takes a long time, I wonder if it will be in my lifetime… and that is what I’m trying to do,

I hope that it can have an impact, that it can help people see alternatives and to move on in different directions. I am also educating myself all the time; so it is a long journey, not tiring at all, but there is a lot of work to do, for myself but also for the community as well, for the nation. (JE)

What does it mean to decolonise? (ARP)

It’s a matter of choices, its a matter of possibilities, it is a long-term work, you can’t really do it like this, I don’t know what the future will look like but I just hope that my work and what we are all doing here, is capable of changing the mindset of people, so we can have a future with more equality. It doesn’t have to be this way, the society is a structure, it is a European structure, the way it looks now. There are so many other pre-Columbian societies that looked different, not that I want us to go back to being in the jungle, but the mindset and the perception of the world could be very different, and still we could evolve and move forward in new ways. So that is what I’m trying to do, that my work will at least inspire people to think outside the box. And now we are having so much gender talk, and we are trying to give voice to so many different perceptions of what it is to be a human being.

Life is so full of nuances,

and why don’t we allow them to be there, why don’t we allow all these voices to be heard, but that is the structure that we live in, and that is the colonial structure, that it has to be one way, but the colonial structure that is in power of the world is just a structure, it could be different, it could be another structure. (JE)

It has to do with our education and the history taught across the spectrum globally is or has been authoritarian in some way. The artist’s voice is a way to deconstruct that, to say that there are histories out there and they should be prominent too. It doesn’t mean that if it is written in a history book that it is OK, because it has been published, because, the first thing that people say is “I didn’t hear that, where did you find that information, I didn’t read that.” So then that makes my story not a part of history. The thing is, you have to go on with this conversation. People throw it at you like a spit in the face, “OK I have you now and I am going to make you converse with me, I am going to make you learn how to talk…” Because a lot of people are afraid of their own memory. I see this in Germany, in Berlin, there hasn’t been this exercise of memory, they had to deal with so much since WWII, and so only specific things have been put there... Because it is too much, so there hasn’t been this exercise of memory. It should not be about victimisation, it should be about empowering all communities and being aware of it.

So the first thing that happens is that there is rejection…

Three months later the same person calls me and says,

I’ve been thinking about it…

I see it this way now.

That is history right there, I don’t need to publish it in a book. That is my reality, your reality, our reality, and that is real. I don’t need Sarkozy to tell me that Africa hasn’t entered history yet. You know? Come on… So it is very necessary.

So first I’m telling you the story you know, I’m only speaking in words, but the performance, that says everything because it transcends all of it. I don’t even need to speak, and you understand it and it’s you. It’s not about me huh. It’s about you, you are decolonizing your own body your own mind, your own history and this takes a lifetime… It is not just nine months, it is your whole life. (NB)

Nathalie Anguezomo Mba Bikoro and Jeannette Ehlers. Photograph © Claudia Popovici.

I’ve been thinking about this question for many years, especially when I am addressing these very sensitive and important issues, which are really relevant in some contexts. So I started to rethink some of the projects that I had based on that, also given the feedback that arose from the interactions which was so relevant that it changed the whole project. So I decided to use it as a tool, because I didn’t want to impose some idea, criteria or vision onto another human being without incorporating the feedback of other people’s point of view. (ADR) My responsibility is to keep doing what I do, and keep revealing and manifesting this cultural narrative and to educate myself so that I can be here and be here the way that I want to be, but I think it is everybody’s responsibility to educate themselves, to know where we are coming from, and to open up and get out of this colonial narrative and structure. Especially for white people it is really necessary to let go of this narrative and listen to those other voices, because there is so much to learn. Because most of the time this whole history is seen as a burden of the black people and not of whites, but it is actually a burden of the whites, too. It is so necessary for whites to let go of this structure. (JE)

I believe that responsibility never ends. Because you are an artist, you are a person, a citizen, you are fundamentally a human being, and so it is an ethical matter, and ethic doesn’t have an off switch, it is something that I carry with me constantly. It is a constant questioning of whether you are behaving in an ethical way, and of course we are humans, so we make mistakes, we even do things which we are ashamed of, otherwise the world would be a different world. And I think that paying attention, if we are able to do so, if you are able to live with the same intensity you live a performance or a theatrical act, even the most mundane aspects of human life when it comes to relationships and respect, you will have a richer life, a beauty not of aesthetics but a beauty of fulfilment that can give meaning to your life. (JK)

The responsibility of the individual is to rebel, no matter what.

What happens in a slave society, is that people don’t understand the power of the individual voice and the responsibility of this individual voice. Under these oppressed positions the way it is designed is that we are dependent upon the very system that is suppressing us, and this is why I compare racial slavery to capitalism. What they replaced with slavery (via capitalism) is something far more nefarious and far more oppressive, which is need. So we feel like we need this situation, because we have this idea of capitalism, we fetishise the Dollar, or the Euro or whatever, so our relationship to money is that we need money to live and that’s not the case. Money is a piece of paper, so our lives are invested in pieces of paper that we feel conditioned to strive for, when in fact if everyone said “Fuck this, this piece of paper doesn’t mean anything” then the system would fall, it would stop; but we fetishise, and we are taught that. So I think that the individual’s job is to see through and to sacrifice themselves, and I think that we don’t understand is that no matter how many of us want to just live our lives and be safe and secure, in order to get free you have to sacrifice, you have to be willing to die for it, because no one is going to give it to you, because the thing that we don’t understand in this capitalistic situation is that it is spreading throughout the world and it is predatory. It is designed to just crush the poor. That’s not democracy, that’s not freedom by any stretch of the imagination. So we are free no more than free-range chickens; you place animals on the farm and you just let them roam, but you are waiting to fatten them up for the slaughter house, like cows. You just put grass there and they won’t leave, you don’t even need to put fences up – and that is where we are, circumscribed by need. This is what we have to break out of, this idea that we need this way of life. Because what we don’t seem to understand is that, in fact, it’s this reality that is actually poisoning us all.

So what you are starting to see now is that there are these pockets or groups of indigenous people in different areas and I feel they all have power, and share equal responsibility (as human beings) in this struggle. For example, Native Americans are fighting to protect the land. We all have a responsibility to stand and fight with them. The strength and struggle of black people (black people have always been known around the globe as the sufferers of racial and systematic oppression) is to stand and fight to abolish the oppressive system of white supremacy – I’m specifically speaking to the construct of race and the economic institution of capitalism, and I feel that if the rest of the world identified with the black struggle then we could all come together, but so often people think that the black struggle is anti-whiteness, as opposed to looking at it like: if poor people oppressed everywhere saw what was happening to black people is inevitably happening to all of us, then you could connect. So I use blackness as a means to liberate.

Yes, first and foremost my goal is to try and liberate my own people, to wake up my people, but at the same time if black people in general are the key to everyone’s liberation, people see it, because we were the ones that were on the first row of oppression, so we saw it. So if you see that and you align with that then we start building, once you build though – and that is the thing that we don’t understand is that inevitably  the enemy is going to reveal itself to you, and they are not going to give it up without a fight – but if we build together we outnumber them. But we are too scared of seeing that; if we build together the rich, the powerful, the status quo, they cannot withstand such an onslaught. But we will have to be willing to die, so I think the only way that this is going to end unfortunately is in revolution. You are talking about nations that hold power through war, so they are not going to give it up, but I think that as long as people stay afraid and say, well we have to honour the civil society, then we are always going to be enslaved. And the richer slaves too, and that’s what they don’t understand, because this is not the nature of our humanity. Our nature as human beings is freedom. We are the manifestation of freedom, so if we are not living free we are all slaves. But the rich don’t care about being slaves, they don’t care about the environment, they don’t care about women’s rights, they don’t care about equal rights for everybody. They care about their rights, and so they will do anything to hold on to that. So the responsibility of the individual is to rebel, so in my work I’m always calling up “Wake up slaves, why don’t you rebel!”

That’s what I think the responsibility of the artist is, to use that power to change the perspectives of people – even if it is difficult and also “to reflect the society.” As an artist, you can’t just go around entertaining. You have this gift, you have this power, you have this voice, so it is your responsibility to stand. And I think that artists right now in the world are the last that can stand, that can say something and change things, but I don’t think it is going to happen as long as art is cloistered away in galleries… (for consumerism), so it’s a reflection of the very society that we are living in, because the artist is so enslaved by the idea of capitalisms. The saddest thing I’ve ever seen is when I look at art in galleries cause it reminds me of animals in zoos, cause the power is taken out of it. It is like the bear over the hearth, the hunter kills the beast and the head is its trophy, so I think art kind of lives in that situation where the artists are thirsty and feel like “Oh I have to work, I have to eat and my value, my validation relies in the capitalist who buys.” So we are traded, we are commodified and our works are as objects. So I don’t think that is radical, the responsibility of the artist is to take it to the street, is to find new ways to disrupt this, to find new ways of revolutionise the society around them, and yes that can be taken the wrong way, it's like saying “What good is it to reason with slaves about freedom,” and when you talk about the phenomenology of reason – we have the gift but we are not reasoning, we are not living free, and we are okay being slaves; that's not freedom.

And some people think that doing something in the streets isn't going to change anything; there are many layers to revolutionary struggle and we have to connect the dots. The artist has a role in social change and activism but unfortunately many artists think of themselves as “I'm an artist and not an activist.”

And that’s a problem, that we aren't dealing with politics. I don't even care about being accepted in the performance art community, that's just accidental. I don't even like the term art, so I feel that the artist's responsibility is to wake up and to radicalise society, and you have to radicalise and revolutionise the minds first so the society around us has to be awake. If you’re not awake and if you're not pushing them to be awake, then they are not going to do anything. So I think the artist can do that, but then we have to be able to connect everybody. We have the responsibility of the farmer, the teacher, of the educator, everyone has a role but we have to see that and connect in order to build something of “whatever your passion is it should be the tool for your liberation.” (PRS)

And journeying through life based on a desire you had during childhood is a process of liberation. (K)

And it is easy for the white person to say it is universal.

So if I’m black, and I’m talking about these issues, but you are stuck on my blackness, my black perspective, does that not make it universal, or does it mean that you just don’t have the ability to allow yourself to go through the blackness to see your Self, this affects me too…

I can only free me and that is responsibility of the individual, I cannot free you. But what I can do is set an example and spark something in you where you say: “You know what, I’m going to free myself, too.” Then we can work together, but I can’t free everybody, I can’t do that, because many people will be like: “Yeah, I want to get free, too” but it’s easier for people to stay in a group, but people standing in a group sometimes do it for different reasons, because its fashionable, its cool… And they essentially become co-opted because what a lot of these people are looking for, is acceptance and validation through what they claim they are trying to fight against. So the responsibility is to go on a journey and to find what is liberation, what is freedom, so they have to find it for themselves, and they have to try to fight to get there. And ultimately I feel that people are not going to go that far.

Radical is dealing with the root, eradicating the root. (PRS)

Photograph © Alexander Harbaugh.

I think one of the good tests you can have as an artist is the perception of the audience, because the audience can sense what is real, what is truth and not in a very instinctive way, and I think the audience is the best way to measure that because as humans we can sense this directly. (ADR)

It is easy to absorb a small amount and walk on and look at the next thing, particularly at an exhibition, but I think, generally, an audience member actually wants more than that. They want a really substantial…. really they want is a transformative experience that they very rarely get, so they don’t expect it. (JM)

It’s like with any artistic experience, you have to be open; if you come with pre-judgment then you will leave with nothing. But if you come in with an open heart then you can have a great experience, regardless of who you are.

It’s about being present and paying attention. It is so undervalued, and that is all you can ask really:

A moment of presence.

We’ve been very interested in the idea of being present and of having agency; being aware that you are changing things. On a simple level it is just being aware of your place in the world. And from the artistic context here, just being aware that you are changing things, as we are always changing things. (DQ)

You are moving in the world and the world is responding to you. (LC)

And if you close your eyes and listen, it is a completely different experience. (ARP)

In this very moment of human history you need something else, you need to create questions rather than saying: “This is the solution, don’t worry, don’t confront.” I don’t want the piss the audience off but I want to create something with the audience that can be disturbing or complex or whatever, but the audience has to resolve some situation, or else it means nothing. It is very easy to see some traditional performances where the body is doing some actions, and the actions are created well, beautifully, and that is it. Then you’ve had a beautiful experience, not to say that it is not needed, you need that too, it is part of life, but it is not the only thing you need. (ADR) That is the sort of transformation of art in our times, it serves as a social conversation for a way of being in the world. (DQ)

The privilege of being an artist is of having this vocation and being able to reach people with this. (NF)

So how do you use your privilege, how do you check your privilege, how do you really challenge yourself?

Really put your privilege where your mouth is.

If you care, really do the work,

by being very open and honest with yourself,

really take the time to look at what is around you (PRS)

to encourage… the most beautiful part here:

how people are adapting, the way people are looking, with curiosity, with respect, with so much humanity. This is the most beautiful aspect of the whole VENICE INTERNATIONAL PERFORMANCE ART WEEK.

It is a little social island of where relationships can strengthen… (SW)

And so what it is enabling are these layers of people becoming better people. (LSC)

There is a lot of cooperation between all involved, no matter their social role within the project and that is a model that is so inspiring… If you can just take a fragment of the message and transpose that into daily life, I think the purpose has been fulfilled. It’s not about the works that are being shown, but about the understanding that is elicited in the viewers… (ARP) There are trapped doors into alternative worlds, in the end it’s about these incredible bodies, rubbing up against each other, and what meanings we make together, and I think artistic work of all kinds creates the opportunities for that, which means that I’m on the lookout for these special encounters because I believe they do come between us all the time… (HC)

Kyrahm and Julius Kaiser. Photograph © Alexander Harbaugh.

Breath, life, the meaning of breath, losing the breath, fragile body,

Breath is really the one thing that makes us the most

Fragile and it is the first to the last thing we’ll ever do as humans.

And when that last breath comes (JM)

It is an exhalation (LSC)

My job is

To plant seeds (PRS)

Sašo Vollmaier and Susanne Weins. Photograph © Lorenza Cini.

#interview #aisha ryannon pagnes #preach r sun #susanne weins #kyrahm #leisa shelton #james mcallister #julius kaiser #alexander del re #nicola fornoni #douglas quin #saso vollmaier #helen cole #lorne covington #jeannette ehlers #nathalie bikoro

[theblognobodyfoundlastyear]

Time to end this.

A thought had come to me recently, of all times. No, this is not some crazed fever dream where I'm high on some unnamed illicit drug, nor is this one of those psychedelic hallucinations that happen when I stay up too late. This time, it's a tribute. A tribute to what I hope has some essence of truth, otherwise it'll be another 7 years until it happens.

So what of this realisation? Well, I'd better not waste not, especially with the almost annihilated audience that even glances at these words after all these years: I seem to be in the presence of three cave demons that stand in my way to becoming a better man, as Robbie Williams would have put it. Of course, this is not to say I'm projecting my problems onto an external entity to feel better about my own personal shortcomings. Instead, by putting the into light, hopefully I may stand a chance in overthrowing myself and the powers that be, to put it most bluntly. Anyhoo, I haven't said nothing about these personal obstructions, which I suppose is why you're still paying attention to these empty words:

1. The Demon of Disappointment

"Augh, what a pain". "But why do I have to do this?". "I've seen this situation before, no point in repeating the same outcome". The one that drains motivation. Or at least, the one that heuristically states that things never work because it didn't turn out well all those years ago. Perhaps the single sole reason why I have this overly pessimistic outlook on all things literal. One could say that overcoming this obstacle just involves a more positive mindset paired with a *shudders* a beaming sense of optimism. Perhaps it's as simple as that, but certainly it takes no shortcuts to get there. I've heard I should "fake it until I make it" in these situations, because realistically, will one ever feel a windswept sense of positivity just by doing nothing, or worse, expecting it to arrive when nothing has been done so far? Well, should things be that simple, I'm more worried about the long term game. How to stop pessimism from creeping up once again, as it has many times in the past? A good support network helps, I suppose, which coincidentally is the largest key ingredient missing over the last few years, as seen on this blog. In any case, it is agreeable to an extent that fighting this demon is probably the easiest and helps combat the other two, which are by no means any less critical in addressing.

2. The Demon of Doubt

The one who asks a very simple question: "Are you sure?". Sometimes it's phrased more as a "Is this really what you expected?" but the intention is always the same: To sow a seed of questioning to get oneself to swerve off the course of certainty into a realm of unknowns. As I venture deeper, the more questions arise, recursively bringing me deeper into the deep sea of doubts until I myself don't even know if it's the demon or myself asking the questions here. Unlike the previous obstruction, this isn't as straightforward, at least how I see it. You see, when you have an entity that undermines the very decision making process that one mentally goes through, there are a number of variables that implicitly make their contribution and consequently act as attack vectors on one's ability to be certain. Past experience, opinions from others, personal "gut feeling" and general social responses are only a few in which the question "Are you sure?" can arise from. And once you stop to try and answer that question, you're already lost the war. And down you go once again. So the solution is to not answer the question, should it ever come up? The question itself often acts as a good circuit breaker, for when you're not quite thinking on the most logical or reasonable premise, and given a few moments, can help make the difference between a long-term life regret and a moderately acceptable decision. At the same time, the question casts doubts which, given certain interpretations of these abstract ideas, can do more damage than all else. But long story short: I have no solution thus far, although my assumption is that defeating the previous demon gives us some ground to find a reasonable solution to this barbaric beast.

3. The Demon of Depravity

This guy. The real boss. The head man. The top dog. The big cheese. The head honcho. The number one. The source of all our pain. What makes this demon so devastating do deal with? Basically, it refuses to change and insists that everything in place at the moment is already "working well enough". From past experience and even now, this is a most tragic mindset. One which refuses to change and adapt, despite times changing. In the end, I just become one of those basement dwellers that eats Cheese Curls all day and playing Dragon Age II for years on end. And that's "living the life"? A part of myself seems to think so. Currently, I can only consider one possible silver bullet to put this old codger to rest - Throw everything away. Whatever it is, discard it whether it has physical manifestation or an intangible representation. If the previous demons have been addressed in the correct ways, the psychological component of this fight is marginally easier, though that's not to say this edge is of trivial value. I can see this brawl taking well over a few months, and e'en spanning years given the circumstances. But once it is all gone, what is there to hang onto but the rubble of a hollow man? And here's where it gets tricky: If you don't rebuild your personal foundations in the right ways and using the optimal materials, all these demons will only come back stronger than before. At first, they seem like little imps, running around and not quite doing anything worthwhile. Soon they coordinate and attack where the foundation is weakest. The subvert all efforts to secure a solid base, and before you know it, it's back to square one. Since there's everything to lose, make sure you're ready to pay the cost, because this WILL hurt once it's over.

And then what? Just live in blissful unawareness for decades to come? While the demons will make attempts to come back, at least after all this, the plan is to be in a situation where I am the one who knocks. If you have the environmental advantage, perhaps it will be slightly easier to maintain one's sanity and outlook on things and to, at the bare minimum, be in a position where we finally feel the home that I live in. Gee, I'm quoting Robbie Williams a whole lot in this post. I'd better wrap it up before I actually start enjoying his music...

'Til next time, young padawan.

If going to jail is what it takes to defeat these demons, then I’d better brush up on my prison street-smarts, such as “dropping the soap” and “jail meat”.

#personal demons #psychological warfare #negativity

[yellowsugarwords]

Walking Dead Game FanFiction - "Midnight Confessions"

#thatglitterygeek fanfictions #the walking dead game season 1 #the walking dead game season 2 #the walking dead game season 3 #the walking dead game #the walking dead game clem #twdg #twdgs1 #twdgs2 #twdgs3 #the walking dead a new frontier #a new frontier #FanFiction #twdg clementine #twdg Clem #twdg nick #twdg Luke #nick and Clementine #nick and Clem #Clementine and nick #Clem and nick #nick and Luke #Luke and nick #au #alternate universe

[afearing]

since apparently theres no consequences for delivering unto this website extremely long and good takes i will present to you my hot take on the ace d'escourse, with no sources because I Dont Feel Like It. its more words than is reasonable bc i have been stewing in this for like 4 years and if i dont type it out at some point im going to fucking lose it. no, literally, it’s 3 pages long in word about shit no one cares about anymore. please remember to like and subscribe.

some background on me, i id’d as ace for something like 8 years, from the first time i read the wikipedia page on it back in maybe 2009 or thereabouts. i also id’d as aro for about a year in 2016. that is to say, i have a lot of compassion and understanding for asexual individuals and feel i understand the inclusionist side of the argument pretty well, as i never questioned inclusionism until maybe 2014 or so, when the discourse blew up. i took some time off tumblr because i was so fucking distraught to think that, as i id’d as aroace at the time, that i had to come to terms with not being lgbt. lol i was a little too attached to being ‘gay’ because... fun fact, past dumbass self... you are gay. anyway, i really dont want anyone to feel that i hate them, but after i cooled off a little bit i realized that the exclusionist take on asexuality just makes more sense. hopefully i can explain why clearly enough.

i really believe that what is understood as aphobia is 100% of the time simply a manifestation of our culture’s expectations surrounding sexuality. while “expectations surrounding sexuality” as a very broad topic does indeed cover both the lgbt community and people on the ace spectrum, facing these issues does NOT make a person lgbt. i subscribe to the idea that lgbt is for people targeted directly by homophobia and transphobia. ace issues ARE super important to talk about and the whole inclus/exclus nonsense is entirely because this discourse has been put under the wrong category. im aware that probably most people will not care that much about my opinion on the correct framing of asexual activism as i no longer id as ace but i think this is important for everyone. sexual expectations also weigh on straight individuals, especially women, and i’m going to describe a few examples to try to demonstrate why i believe both that it doesn’t make sense to consider asexuality lgbt as well as why it does make sense to frame it as an issue based mainly in misogyny.

call out post for myself, i use reddit, and i think the r/childfree community is a good example of what i think the framing should be like. although it’s acknowledged that not wanting children has larger social consequences for women, both men and women talk about their issues in the forum, including horrific accounts of reproductive coercion and rape, the intersections with race/being lgbt/ageism (although they could do a LOT better with intersectionality, many posters do touch upon it), profoundly cruel comments made by those who have/want children, difficulty finding an understanding relationship partner, discrimination at work, misunderstandings and even hatred from family and acquaintances, discrimination in healthcare, etc.

i think you can tell where i’m going with this. even though being childfree cuts against the expectations for sexuality in most societies, even though it leads to unfair judgment from others, and even though they face discrimination on the basis of the way they express their sexuality, childfree people do NOT frame parenthood/childfreedom as an axis of oppression, nor do they claim that their lack of desire for children makes them lgbt. it’s not even a question if straight childfree people are straight, because duh? nor if the presence of lgbt childfree people makes the whole community fall under the lgbt umbrella, because it obviously doesn’t.

to drive the point home, the reason why this is NOT an axis of oppression is because parents face a ton of issues as well! they also face reproductive coercion as well as judgment over the number of kids they have, constant scrutiny and moralization over every aspect of their parenthood style, judgment based on parents’ age/wealth/sexuality/marital or dating status/race, housing and employment discrimination, especially for mothers, the government hating poor parents and cutting their benefits, and more i’m sure i’m not thinking of. again, this is due to societal expectations of sexuality. to complete the analogy, people who aren’t ace face their own set of challenges and discrimination. part of homophobia/biphobia is tinged with hatred of our sexual attraction; no one except for straight white men is allowed to really express their sexuality without backlash, and even then there is this shame leading to a lack of proper sex ed and horribly unhealthy understandings of sexual attraction in a large portion of the populace. so calling aphobia an axis of oppression is just not right. and in addition, the large proportion of lgbt aces doesn’t make asexuality lgbt, that’s not how groups work.

some more on what i mean by ‘expectations around sexuality’... in terms of my experience in the US, there is some blueprint in many people’s minds of what a person should be like in terms of sexuality, and that is something like “cishet, abled man, who is neither ace nor aro, who gets laid regularly (but not to excess) starting no later than 18 and ending no later than 28 when he settles down with one cishet abled wife, also neither ace nor aro, who has only had sex with up to three committed boyfriends, and they have precisely two children, approximately two years apart in age, whom the parents can financially and emotionally support to the utmost, because they are also moderately to very well off, and the parents work under traditional gender roles to raise their children as conventionally as possible.” and if you deviate from this script in ANY way that’s viewed with moral panic and scrutiny by someone. and the connection to misogyny is that women are seen as sort of the bastions of sexual morality. we are punished especially harshly for nonconformity.

if you’re poor you’re fucked because either you don’t have kids or you can’t send them off to private schools and feed them fancy organic shit. if you’re lgbt or polyamorous or aro or ace? fucked! if you dare to reproduce as a disabled person, and if your disability impacts your parenthood, especially for women, you’re practically crucified even in liberal circles. if you have too few kids or too many (don’t you know only kids turn out weird? / how can you possibly raise 5 children properly?), if you have too much sex or too little, if you split up the work in your relationship not along gender lines, if you do unconventional things in your parenthood, like accept your trans kids or move a lot or any number of other things, the social judgment rains down like the fires of fucking hell. meaning practically no one can escape it!! huge bonus to the screaming crowd with pitchforks if you’re a person of color or a woman, mega ultra bonus to women of color.

but does that make everyone i just talked about lgbt? no! although every single one of the groups i mentioned is tangentially related through this issue, even though all of them face a lot of horrible problems and discrimination, that does not make those issues inherently lgbt. again, they are tangentially related and i could see a good case for solidarity among many of the groups mentioned; all of them are fighting for greater acceptance of different kinds of relationships, greater acceptance of seeking happiness and being who you are rather than pressuring everyone to conform as much as possible to the LifeScript. but all of those groups are equally related to the lgbt community - that is, tangentially only. just as you can be childfree and straight, a stay-at-home dad and straight, a straight woman of color, so too can you be polyamorous and straight, ace and straight, or aro and straight.

that’s it for my main point. ace and aro people? your lives are hard. i’m not going to downplay it in any way because i know there are a lot of people who actually hate your guts. fuck, i’ve seen people full-on shittalk asexuality, in the internet and real life, in the most blatant of ways, so it’s not just something you can necessarily escape by logging off. not as much so for aro people tbh but i predict as much once the Public gets more wind of your existence. i fully believe that you face a higher risk of sexual assault; discrimination in relationships, housing, and the workplace; horrible comments from everyone who thinks their shitty opinion on your sexuality and love life matters; and I believe you that that hurts and is terrible and that you deserve a place to discuss and provide support.

but. those issues are not exclusive to you. they’re not exclusive to lgbt people, or oppressed people, and so those issues don’t and cannot make you lgbt, nor do they make ace/aro vs. allo an axis of oppression. our communities intersect, yes, considerably, but you are not a subset of lgbt. perhaps our rhetoric can help you, but because straight ace and aro people exist you cannot and should not consider yourselves lgb+. i think you understand that the issues you face are a form of oppression, but they are the result of the toxic and misogynistic sex culture in this society, which, yes, targets lgbt people but also, practically everyone, including groups which are definitively absolutely not inherently lgbt, such as parents, gnc straight people, poc, disabled people, the list goes on.

to conclude, what really converted me to being an ace exclusionist was the example of a straight grey or demi ace. how could you possibly argue that someone who falls in love with the opposite gender only, but with more conditions or less frequently than someone not aspec, is lgb+, can call themselves queer, etc.? exactly what material reality does that person share with a gay or bi person? i think that their issues fall in line with aspec community issues but extremely clearly not at all with lgbt ones. 

the end but post script since i brought up orientation modifiers: perhaps it isn’t my place to say, but i don’t think that microlabels are very healthy and that it would make more sense for the ace community to work on expanding the idea of what sexuality is than to try to create a label to describe every single person’s experience of their sexuality. not that i think you should necessarily kick grey ace people out of the aspec community or that they’re not valid or whatever, but that perhaps it makes more sense to say that some people experience sexual attraction less frequently, and that’s alright. i don’t know.  i spent sophomore year of high school poring over those mogai blogs looking for some new orientation label that would make me go like, oh my god that’s me! and believing that if those labels helped people feel that way they weren’t doing any harm. but what actually finally made me feel like that was expanding my understanding of what attraction is and a better conception of lesbian issues and why i might feel so disconnected from my sexuality and why i might be obsessing over every interaction with a guy looking for signs i was attracted to him but feel super disgusted whenever they exhibited interest in me. i spent so long trying to go like maybe im cupioromantic lithsexual and feeling terrified that that i had such a weird and esoteric sexuality that no one could ever possibly understand enough to be in a relationship with me... like, ok dyke! i know a lot of people have had similar experiences and i don’t think i know a whole ton of people now in college who are still doing that, which makes me think those labels are more harmful than not. 

i guess that’s anecdotal but it’s easier for me to believe that a person could cling to those labels due to internalized homophobia than actually have a new form of sexuality heretofore undiscovered throughout all human history, but that’s just me. and so many of them just sound so unhealthy, like dreadsexual. i really wish people would work on expanding what not being asexual can mean and look like and i dont think there would be this drive to create these labels anymore. even demisexual which i think is probably the most mainstream conditional orientation, i think many people who have never heard of it and are perfectly content not to would describe the way they experience sexuality a similar way and just consider it normal. sexual attraction isn’t necessarily having your nethers set aflame upon first making eye contact with someone, it looks different for every person and it’s alright to just be how you are without making it part of your whole identity.

The End II. this is 2,200 words. if you read this far you’re a fucking mad l- *the academy cuts my mic line while looking directly at the camera like in the office*

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