#how can i stop hiding and ppl pleasing and acting like a hollow shell of a fake person

[soldier-poet-king]

U know when u reach that point of mentally unwell that it's like, u realize it's stupid and dumb and your (mal)adaptive coping mechanisms and inbuilt trauma responses aren't helpful and aren't logical and you're complete aware of this and yet can't eradicate it and it's so frustrating and in some way you're more upset about not being able to force ur brain into being normal and stop being Like That, than you are upset about whatever thing happened in the first place

#the duality of fran #anyway yes yes i know im tired and stressed and its winter #and all these things mean all my bad brain stuff harder to cope with #and all my yucky bad maladaptive mechanisms come back #and its stupid and dumb and i cant fix it overnight. or really ever. and YET #im just. gonna throw myself into reading and video games i guess. keep myself distracted #i could have healthier routines but its really fuckin hard to be consistent with anything #when im living with my parents and not much is actually within my control #when it comes to routine and living arrangement and such. its uh.... #real difficult to assert autonomy and control and break hurtful patterns of behaviour when living in the space #& w the ppl who caused those problems in the first place yknow #how can i stop hiding and ppl pleasing and acting like a hollow shell of a fake person #when all of that was developed specifically to protect myself emotionally from these ppl #did it work??? NO. sometimes it feels like it didnt even preserve a tiny core of me #whatever the me that existed before. or was supposed to exist. just. is gone. never was #ik ik dont think of unlived lives theyre not real theres no alternate version of urself #but maybe...there is....and that fran is so much better