#and all these things mean all my bad brain stuff harder to cope with

[soldier-poet-king]

U know when u reach that point of mentally unwell that it's like, u realize it's stupid and dumb and your (mal)adaptive coping mechanisms and inbuilt trauma responses aren't helpful and aren't logical and you're complete aware of this and yet can't eradicate it and it's so frustrating and in some way you're more upset about not being able to force ur brain into being normal and stop being Like That, than you are upset about whatever thing happened in the first place

#the duality of fran #anyway yes yes i know im tired and stressed and its winter #and all these things mean all my bad brain stuff harder to cope with #and all my yucky bad maladaptive mechanisms come back #and its stupid and dumb and i cant fix it overnight. or really ever. and YET #im just. gonna throw myself into reading and video games i guess. keep myself distracted #i could have healthier routines but its really fuckin hard to be consistent with anything #when im living with my parents and not much is actually within my control #when it comes to routine and living arrangement and such. its uh.... #real difficult to assert autonomy and control and break hurtful patterns of behaviour when living in the space #& w the ppl who caused those problems in the first place yknow #how can i stop hiding and ppl pleasing and acting like a hollow shell of a fake person #when all of that was developed specifically to protect myself emotionally from these ppl #did it work??? NO. sometimes it feels like it didnt even preserve a tiny core of me #whatever the me that existed before. or was supposed to exist. just. is gone. never was #ik ik dont think of unlived lives theyre not real theres no alternate version of urself #but maybe...there is....and that fran is so much better

[doberbutts]

Thank you for talking about the “able to get to the door but unable to stay inside” thing re:stimulation. My issues are less severe than yours were (creates chronic fatigue instead of severe meltdowns) but it’s kinda the first time I’ve heard anyone discuss them as a legitimate disabling barrier. I still have this “if I just try hard enough” mentality that I’m trying to overcome, and it helps to have someone else go “no, this is a real problem.”

Honestly the brain injury really opened my eyes because I do have ADD and had childhood epilepsy (been seizure-free since I was 8 tho) so we were somewhat conscious about sensory stuff but a lot of it was like. Okay every once in a while you will touch something that is Bad Texture and you will scrub your skin raw about it for the next couple of hours. Annoying repeating sounds fade into the background for you but God Forbid anyone talks while you're concentrating because now they've ruined everything. You'd rather starve than put Tastes Bad into your mouth and have gone to bed with hunger pains many times as a result. etc etc etc for me it wasn't so disabling but largely that was due to my mom knowing how to manage my symptoms and teaching me from a very young age how to cope.

And then with the seizures my major warning sign was a colossal headache that refused to go away which was a sign to go lay down somewhere quiet and dark for a few hours until it passed or else a lightning storm would happen in my skull :D

But the brain injury... that really upset everything. Which is commonly reported, when I was finally able to speak I told my neurologist that I felt like a completely different person and not in a good way and he said that most TBI survivors have said this.

Honestly the best way I can describe it is that. Hmm. Imagine... your TV is too loud. When I say too loud I mean like. It hurts to be in the same room as the TV, it's bordering on the edge of so loud that it makes you physically take a step back. When the TBI first happened, that was any and every stimulus to my senses. My clothes touching my skin was Too Loud. Tasting my food was Too Loud. The ambient light coming from my window was Too Loud. And so on and so forth. Because there was an actual damaged piece of my brain, it was really struggling to parse any more information than "oh, no, ow, make that stop".

I wore blacked out glasses inside because I couldn't stand to keep my eyes open otherwise. I would ask my roommates to whisper several rooms down if they were going to talk to each other or on the phone because even just hearing their footsteps was like someone was taking a hammer to my forehead. I was usually naked because the feel of my shirt against my back would set me off. There's a lot I can't remember from that time but I remember being so frustrated as I hid under my covers from the light and the ambient noise of living with a bunch of people and their pets that "trying harder" and "pushing through" honestly just made everything worse.

It's a lot better now. It'll be 5 years in July. But every once in a while something will still set me off and I will be back in that place, frustrated with myself as I feel my brain hurtling towards a Very Loud Meltdown that I cannot get to stop.

I just don't appreciate being told that it's somehow lesser because my legs work. Especially considering TBIs are so common, and they happen so fast. All it takes is one good knock on the head and then you'll be just like me.

[the-s1lly-corner]

"And what will you do when I can't recognize you?"

Eyeless jack x reader angst but it's based around my specific hc that "jack is cursed bc cult stuff and hes forced to eat flesh; and his mind and body are degrading into something not.. human"

So yeah basically reader and jack trying to cope with his whole monster metamorphosis

Cw. For body horror, and tbh this is mostly me rattling on about my hcs of how jack became eyeless jack

That was something he said to you one night, unprompted

Of course you both had a vague idea of what was happening to him; but neither of you had answers... let alone fully understood

Of course, he knew more than you. He was the one living with this... curse.. and he had it before the two of you met

But even now, it was showing how ugly things could get, and it was only the beginning

Obviously; his appearance was changing. His skin became.. cold, veins were showing, he simply looked like he was dying. Obviously, he had pits for eyes, which were constantly dripping this cold black ooze. His ears and teeth were now pointed, and his fingers ended in claws. But other than that; he more or less looked like a normal person, if you overlooked those silly details

Oh, his tongue.. no matter how you may feel about it, the process of how he "obtained" the monstrous thing is horrifying.

To spare the details, his original tongue essentially split into the half dozen tendrils it is today

Not good stuff, and he felt all of it

And of course there's the psychological and behavioral effects of the curse; to get the big bad out of the way, he can no longer eat normal food. No need to elaborate. Good news is, as of now, he doesnt need to feed often. But when he does, he runs the risk of losing control, almost becoming animalistic in the way he behaves

That's his main fear

He's expressed that those frenzies happen he finds it harder and harder to contain himself, or come back down

He worries that one day you'll be the one getting chomped on

Really, there's nothing either of you can do to stop this or lessen the effects of the curse

Bro only has two options; suck it up and become a monster that can't resemble anything of this world. Or die

There already were some nights where he may have snipped at you. He didn't mean to be aggressive, but he was trying so hard to keep it together. He needed you to leave the area and stay away for a while

Some days his memories begin to cloud, that's probably the scariest for him. It'd be scary for everyone, obviously

I dont typically like writing angst without adding some sort of comfort, or happy ending, but that sort of thing just. Doesnt exist here. Jack's fate is pretty much sealed, and what sucks is that he didnt ask to be dragged into this

This is all sorta based off that spin off backstory jack got (though tbf I dont recall if it was even made by his original creator, though my take is in a silly au), where he makes friends who are (unbeknownst to him) in a cult and had plans to use him

Bro didn't want this, and really the whole thing is tragic

Of course, I'll still try to add some comfort, as it feels wrong to just drag this man around like this

Smells seem to have a positive response

Makes sense; its said that the brain ties smells to memories, and associating it with certain things

So if you wear a certain perfume or use a certain detergent to wash clothing, he'll definitely remember and recognize it. It seems to help him come down after a bad spot

Journaling can help him keep track of the days; though you'll need to give him some time on that... hard to hold pencils when you have claws..

And of course, comfort him; be there for him

I wish I could end this kinda bummer hc ramble off on a lighter note, but the whole thing/this side of eyeless jack is just so

You know?

Anyways yeah I write all my eyeless jack stuff with these ideas in mind so

Yeah, that's why I tend to write EJ all gloomy and reclusive

#creepypasta imagines #creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta #eyeless jack x you #eyeless jack imagine #eyeless jack x reader #eyeless jack headcanon #eyeless jack #headcannons #angst #eyeless jack angst

[the-gayest-show]

“The End” (2-21) (8:30-9:00 p.m. EST) A flood of lost memories forces Scratch to make big decisions about his afterlife."

Oh BOOOOIIIIIII

the absolute mind boggling face i made when i saw this synopsis i can't describe the feeling i felt seeing that.

like DUDE. this is LORE CENTRAL. this is literally scratch getting lots of memories back, likely (im 99% sure) by way of some trigger that brings it back...

a bunch of theories my brain brained:

Jinx will gaslight gatekeep and girlboss her way using this situation as a crutch. Bro is obviously gonna see scratch (defo stressed/retraumatized/confused) in this state of Knowing More and somehow twist her words in such a way that scratch gives up the chairman cloak. For the pathetic ass mf she is I believe she's HIGHLY capable of spinning some words.

Scratch gets his memories back because Jinx accidentally triggers it. Whether they're led into some place of familiarity or whatever, something somewhere happens. And BOOM. (Note: The showrunners have said iirc that we;ll see how he died, aka i believe this trigger might be something so deeply related to his past life, like a grave or a house. Maybe it's Ollie's house. We haven't seen the inside of that fucker, ever. Maybe something in there will fuck with his brain and it'll do a thing. I mean there's a chance this was either Adia's house or even where Scratch lived

The decision Scratch makes is probably whether he should essentially live in the past (assuming by all means that adia isnt dead) and whether to live with the mcgees. I think this would close off his arc of his past and also reiterate the bond between him and the mcgees. It makes sense plot wise, i mean bro's been living in being unsure of his past before he met molly and drank the soda. But now he Knows All. What does he do? Maybe his first instinct is to be attached to Adia (again, if that mf aint dead) because she could tell him everything. If we find out more about her (which is a given if scratch gets a big memory burst) then he might attach himself to adia as a coping mechanism. Maybe molly has an argument or something to scratch about this and then suddenly they split up (picture what happened in the dance with some-ollie episode). This makes it infinitely harder to fight Jinx (no chairman? what's a human gonna do now?). Maybe Molly summons everyone but scratch bc they're in an argument about this. Including the Chens, because in everyone's opinion they're SUPER last resort. They (to molly and the friend group) seem like the people to not only defeat jinx but capture innocent ghosts too, so ofc this is the most drastic "we're losing time and we're out of resources fr fr" situation

I bet we'll find out a bit about his home life, lots of stuff/other theories ive seen imply his life may have been... prety bad. I do believe in that. As well, we'll probably get confirmation of whether the "scratch is todd's wraith" theory holds up. I doubt it's true but I'd like to see it myself. Same goes with the "adia is jinx" theory.

Scratch corrupts theory seems to be more true and more truer the more we go farther in the series I'm going to sob if that happens

ANYwho im so excited!

#tgamm #posts #asks #im going to set up the most ideal watching area so I can cry to myself as i watch the most lore heavy episode take place #(i spent yesterday typing this up like a maniac)

[vio1315]

Oh right 

I keep meaning to do a life update

Because long time followers remember when I posted a lot of personal struggles on here and I like never follow up on that stuff

And have since stopped posting personal stories as often whoops

Honestly I don’t remember everything I left as a loose thread that could be ‘is she okay’ so basically:

>Yes I am okay

>Most the stuff I was having trouble with happened like 5+ years ago now

>I am still pretty shut in, but I have a good job and I do go out once a week technically

>Much more mentally stable, I don’t really get the sort of empty feelings I used to anymore

>Every day I am unsure if I am like 🤖 to other people, or if I live normally. But I have unworked a lot of the emotional repression stuff I was doing subconsciously, and have gained a capacity for the ‘feeling of love’ (since love isn’t really a feeling, but you know the feeling I mean). Idk if I never experienced it before, but if I did it was Extremely rare compared to now. I certainly had devotion, but idk

It’s like ‘oh my prayers were answered on this topic again :0 ‘

I think I am pretty content generally, but I still don’t have happy feelings or fun feelings that often on my own, but this is super normal for me and doesn’t bother me the way the ‘void feelings’ did. It just vibing

>I did get a few extra sensory issues, probably from being shut in, but nothing that makes it any harder to go out. I should go out more still, but not many ideas of where to go for now

>I lost touch with the rest of my rl friends more or less (ﾟ⊿ﾟ) I went through a big thing of making myself not burn bridges and then like 4 months later they stopped contacting me anyways. I haven’t really felt any issue about it so have been leaving it be, but I guess I’ll crack that case back open if it ever starts to feel like a big thing that needs to be done

>My family is doing pretty well : ) 

>Story stuuffffff. I went through about a year of work to make my to do list better, so now I can focus on writing, sort of. And hopefully I can finish my script for TTF in good time now after the Big Delay of relaying the foundation and needing to get life in order. It will take a Long time because I insist on doing all 10 arcs before starting to draw it, so like... I still am mostly gonna be quiet on the topic for awhile

>Life plans? Nope, never. I still live very in the present, so I will just continue my job till I get fired probably and try my best to keep using my free time well. Or start

>Nobody wonders about this but I swear to you, vitamins/supplements make me sick every time I take them. Like literally sick. Like with germs and things. How????? How???? They had nothing in common between the three diff supplements, but each time I started I would get sick for like 2 weeks or a month ??? But I will keep trying to see if this is actually happening because ??? How ????

>Oh yeah, I am trying to get my health better and actually gained much weight 🥳 maybe someday exercise too, but I wanna tighten daily schedule first

>I am looking at some other mental disorders where I think ‘do I have that???’ But just for the sake of communication. I still don’t really need medication to manage the strange stuff. Coping mechanisms generally work pretty good for me, and learning to weed out bad ones and so on. I haven’t felt ANXIOUS in a bit now, and idk maybe not as often. I know I was like a year or two ago, but it goes down every year overall.

Lots of things that used to make me anxious just don’t so much anymore

That’s everything I can really think of right now

Life is basically good overall for me. 

Health is good for me, though I still need to work on actually doing things to be good to my body.

Socializing is pretty good in the forms I do it, but I still need to go out more to prevent my brain from getting weird about ‘sounds and feelings I can’t control’ and all

Fam : ) 

Everything is chill actually. I basically vent here less now just because I have more opportunity to vent directly to people when there’s a need to wjdnejd but I don’t think anything major comes up that often

But also my emotional memory is really low hwjdnwjd like I know for a fact a year or two ago there was a month where I was super unwell and stressed, but legit idk what that felt like, I just know it happened

So maybe the frequency Could be similar, but I wouldn’t know it 🤔 but certainly less major events happen, and that’s good with me

Just an update cuz I realize it’s easy to vent and all, but when things resolve, it’s less interesting to talk about, so you leave people hanging unintentionally, since posting directly on here barely feels like talking to anyone anyways, super easy to let that go

I am not a private person honestly, so hope this doesn’t seem weird to anyone widjsjdn

#Vio's Personal #Yaaaa boooiiiii #I didn’t mention faith progress stuff because I don’t think I talked a lot about that before :0 #But I have been less fearful for a long time now which is bueno #But I am still lazy so #and also my ability to comprehend what I read I have realized is Bad #So need to learn how to study and such #But that will be oookaaaaay probably #My issue is if you show me videos where people explain things #I will find something about the person where I can’t stand them #is how it keeps goimg #but videos are my best format alas #but that’s just a ramble so anyways

[seyvetch]

Moved to place I grew up in some months ago tho was away for some time at dacha but just started recalling early school years.....

Very traumatic tho luckly it seems I either forgot or repressed enough detail to spare me the pain but......... not that one thing. Just that singular minute I remembered just now. Details are hazy and they were even just after it happened too. Dont remember why it happened (the final push) or what happened immidiately before or after.

If you read the trigger warning tags you probably suspect what event Im talking about. The one and only time in my life I tried to kill myself. I suggest you dont go reading further if this topic disturbs you or otherwise your curiocity or something else driving you isnt more than negative feelings youd get from it

Well anyway if I recall it was late primary/early middle school. My memmory isnt ythe greatest on the subject of my life in that period or in general tbh. Maybe my brain had to repress so much stuff it just cant form memmories that good now. Well I remember something just clicking. Something was a straw that broke a camels back. I cant recall what it was but I just wept and wanted to die. It was too much suffering for it to be worth living. I climed the stairs to second floor and midway tried to jump head first into stone floor. Dont remember what type of floor exactly but it was certaintly some kind of tiles with concrete underneath to my irrational panicked hormone filled child brain it seemed that I would die. In reality looking back I would probably just recieve head trauma. I remember my classmates physically stopping me and me feeling someyhing I dont quite recall about that fact. Was it anger that they didnt let me end my existance? Confusion that they stood by or participated in my bullying of which I cant recall any of it now thankfully or sadness that they only bothered to do something about my situation when I was there and not at any point before. Probably a mix of all those.

You know what the person from school told me in regards of why I should do this? "How would your parents feel about this?" as some sort of persuasion to not kill myself. I of course didnt kill myself or attempted for that matter any more in my life nor extent of my self harm was beyond picking at my dried cuts but it is more of a bad habbit or a stim. But you know what I think about that statement? What would my parents feel if I killed myself? As a measure of preventing suicide? It might be effective but many times its been the only reason I didnt go thru with it. What would others feel. How would that affect others. Sure it can be like a part of it but its cruel that my only reason to live many times was someone else. I mean it in this way: Im not living for me. Im not living bc I want to live in these cases. That fucked me up. I think it built a bit of resentment to those who would just be upset of I died or somehow were hurt. Bc I didnt learn how to find a reason for me to live an actual reason I learned to force myself to live for others. Its not a good coping strategy at long term. It just stops the main symptom and not the cause of it. For I dont know how long now. Years? I barely felt the drive to live. The WANT to live. The will to live. In some sense I think I might have died long ago. I do of course have wonderful moments that feel my whole being with happieness and pure desire to live to thrive but they are so fleeting... and I dont have the luxiry of good memmory to remember them for long if at all. And if I dont even have the motivation to love I barely take care of myself. Especially since most of the time my mental health and what can I only describe as disability manifested (from what I suspect many smaller causes maginfied by each other (death by a thousand paper cuts as it were)) making it harder. And there is barely any support. Most of time I bring up my issues they are eiyher didsmised as being blowm out of proportion or Im told to dealt with it die to my age or fact that Im "a man" (which also hurts bc Im femining leaning trans).

Now dont worry Im mot gonna do anything to myself I just needed to vent but I am in a bad mental space and its been i decline lately and I might not respond much or at all for some time and thanks for all who msg me it makes me feel slightly better and hopefully it will start becoming better in general soon.

Thanks for reading heres a pic of a cat I took as thanks for you actually going thru this.

#suicide mention #suicide mention tw #vent

[zelzelez]

I'm sick. Again. This kid, I love it, but she's infected me for, what? the 5th time? since September. I'm already down enough, lethargic and isolated enough. But yeah, let's spend another few days at home, feeding my self destructive coping mechanisms.

.... are they that bad though? lately I have noticed how GUILTY I feel for any way that I exist, like, even though I understand myself as quite "woke" and all, I am still SO susceptible to the stupid internalisations of capitalism, constantly thinking about wasting my time. not that I don't ALWAYS feel like this way of living here is a waste, but when I'm buzzing through the everyday at least I seem like I have a direction, towards something, sometimes. Even though I know both states are equally useless. I think I just miss... moving, you know. I feel stuck, the stuckness of winter in a very hostile city. I miss feeling lightness, of just being carried instead of heaving up each foot, one after the rusty other.

Is it too much to ask for that my life should have a sort of meaning through connection? Is it my fault for not engaging with enough passion? Should I also be spending my time in the university library and write my stuff, get done and do the next thing? Can anyone muster the energy for that without any proper intrinsic motivation? Is it about mindsets? I don't know, I don't think so. My choice to not participate is right on its own, but useless when done alone. Just doing things out of pressure doesn't feel like a solution though.

How much more time in my head, in my bedroom will I go through until I can find new ways? Am I not just cementing these behaviours through endless repetition? Will it only get harder to break out, especially as everything is continuously following a downward spiral?

Is this brain fog and sharp heart pain all there is to this life of mine?

It's ridiculous. I feel ridiculous.

#my life

[abeehiltz1159]

Just a note for people writing about ADHD/ADHD characters:

there are people who have ADD, which is only the inattentiveness portion of ADHD. This means they do NOT have hyperactivity. I personally have ADD, and I can say that while I might fidget at times I do not have to constantly be fidgeting and I can sit still.

also, ADHD is different depending on whether you’re male or female (biologically)! I’m honestly not 100% sure what all the differences are, but ADHD (emphasis on hyperactivity) is more common in boys, and it’s harder to diagnose in girls. Most people get diagnosed when you’re about 7, but I didn’t get diagnosed until I was twelve (I’m female). My symptoms weren’t really noticeable until covid, when I was stuck at home and had to try to teach myself the stuff I was supposed to learn through a virtual learning program. My brain Would Not process the information unless I found it interesting, and my parents moved me back into in-person school once we were allowed. (Having an actual teacher who was supportive and actually had ADHD as well was very awesome.)

ADHD is also more than just “oh I can’t focus”—it is a problem, it is a mental illness. Don’t ignore that. In order to do something productive, ADHDers have to find a way to make the task more interesting so we can actually get it done.

Do you have a schedule? Yes? Well too bad. You’re not gonna follow it perfectly. Task #1 will get done in about three hours as opposed to thirty minutes. Task #2 will get done in about four, with about five snack breaks in between. Task #3? That’s gonna take you all afternoon. Task #4? No, you’re going out for dinner this evening, so you can’t do Task #4 until you get back. Tasks #5, #6, #7, and #8? Forget it.

With medication? Anything’s possible . . . until it wears off. But at least you’ll have Tasks #1-#6 done! :D

Here’s a list of common ADHD symptoms:

easily distracted

hyper-talkative

verbally impulsive

daydreaming

problems completing tasks

perfectionism

problems sleeping

(one thing that’s helped me cope with my ADD without meds is music! Have something going on in the background, preferably something you’ve seen/heard before so you don’t concentrate on it so much.)

there’s also hyper focus, which is another ADHD symptom that I feel people overlook a lot. Your brain narrows down into this one specific thing and Does Not let anything else distract it. As far as I’m aware this only happens when you’re SUPER invested in whatever it is you’re watching/doing. Otherwise . . . yeah your brain goes to mush and won’t let you concentrate on anything.

happy writing >:3

#writing #writing tips #adhd #adhd writer

[violetren]

Aether Chapter 20

I AM SCREAMING.

I'm gonna try go through this semi chronologically, but know that the end has me screaming and I will be screaming for the duration of writing this and probably then some.

So first of all, everyone give it up for Maxine. Some part of my brain has tied her to Yzma from The Emperor's New Groove. Not voice, not the design, or the moral alignment... I think maybe what I'm actually latching onto is Eartha Kitt's swagger. Also a little bit the fact that I do believe Maxine is capable of murder, so far as cats can comprehend murder. Which is probably moreso than humans feel comfortable with.

Whatever it is, Maxine is fantastic.

I've been coming around to the fact that Sierra is by and large a good friend, but she's also a messy flawed person, and those two facts aren't mutually exclusive. Also I'm kinda guessing that since its post interview (and presumably post telepathic interrogation) and Sierra is still in the guest room capable of opening and closing her own door instead of a holding cell somewhere means she has been cleared. Which isn't surprising at all but its nice to have confirmation.

The good friend stuff shines through strong on points like affirming Maggie should join the High Guard because being here clearly makes her happy, and in her insistence that Maggie as she previously looked was worth more than Maggie every gave herself credit for being (and notably would not have been a pity fuck for anyone with actual taste).

On the more questionable side of things was the admittance that she'd sometimes use looking after Maggie whenever Maggie was physically or emotionally struggling as a way of avoiding her own problems. But like, that is only bad if you start prioritizing your "care" of that person over their actual needs or wants, and actively sabotage them from recovering too much in order to keep them forever available as a distraction. The rest of the time its just that looking after someone else was convenient and if it hadn't been caring for them it would have been something else. Taking extra shifts at work. Impromptu spring cleaning the whole house. 100% a video game in less than a week even if it means cancelling other plans. Shit like that.

But then things get MESSY!

Because the closest most readily available and most familiar coping mechanism of "care for Maggie instead" has already been called out because its currently just not possible. Maggie has big things on her mind but she's basically made her decision already and isn't struggling emotionally at this point, and she basically never has to worry about physical ailments again, so thats out.

And apparently that leaves us with Sierra wanting to fuck away her feelings?!?!?! Or at least throw herself into a relationship that feels safe and stable because Maggie's love for her has been a quiet matter of fact for years??? Which oooh boy... Bad baaaaaaaad timing, because its not really there in the same way anymore.

I don't think this is Maggie and Sierra falling into a romantic role reversal. At this stage I'm not convinced Sierra actually means what she was saying, only that she's had her life turned upside down and trying to grab onto the one familiar thing she didn't think would ever really change. But fucking hell what if she's for real? Will she be strong enough to accept the idea of Maggie being with someone else and not returning her feelings? It would arguably be harder for her than it was for Maggie because she'll live knowing she missed her window instead of spending the time thinking it was a question of incompatible sexualities. Would it lead to some kind of poly set up?

I think the most likely outcome is whenever Maggie gets back from wherever she noped out to and they can look each other in the eye again (or at least be in a room alone) Sierra apologises in much the same way she did for snapping at Maggie for not warning her Garrett was alive when their convo today first started, and for much the same reasons. She is not okay.

But I'll have to read to find out, so guess I'm gonna go do that now.

#chirping wren #aether #maggie bennett #maxine the kitten #sierra gomez #lesbian fiction #sci fi #lgbt fiction #super hero fiction #queer fiction #sapphic fiction

[rabbitindisguise]

on one hand I feel an enormous amount of guilt when I have Problem, but whenever I have Problem and someone cares (even if it's an unfixable problem forever) then it's like falling down and expecting to skin my knee and landing instead in a pile of soft fluffy pillows in some kind of bulletproof shelter

It's sort of like the idea that in order to fix a dislocation you have to reduce it, so it goes from throbbing spasms to sharp and excruciating to endorphin high of having been helped by someone stopping the pain from hurting anymore as badly

and I think someday it will start to feel better where I don't have to do as many reductions anymore and it hurts less because I understand stuff better, which I think is a sign of like . . . how I've matured as a person to be able to see that things will feel less badly than they do now eventually (hard with mood disorders). Another sign is that I'm managing to both care deeply about people even when there are Problems, because I used to get so afraid and totally shut down emotionally, and/or struggled to admit that I have negative emotions at all (because I put pressure on myself to be accommodating in ways that aren't sustainable). Being aware and cognizant of my feelings has let me make much less bad decisions, which makes me think that both disassociating and depression have been ways to numb myself to positive feelings out of anxiety about what other people would think or look down on. Now that I'm developing a stronger sense of self I've been able to like, productively disagree with my therapist without me taking the issue and reflecting it on the relationship of therapist/therapized itself, which I feel like is an extension of how my interpersonal relationships are improving me as a person.

So I can get really upset, but when I do get upset now I can think "I am upset" and self soothe and be like "Lav you are upset, you should think about your happy place and take a deep breath focus on the moment." I used to find these things like . . . really cringey, a sign of someone who had problems but felt really good about themselves for improving, which I find threatening because of the idea that if we just tried harder then we'd never make mistakes so all mistakes are malicious was something I ran into a lot with my parents. And yet that sort of counter-thinking was hindering my growth because I couldn't accept that problems could be improved, or even that I could make mistakes. I think protecting the people I care about is more important than trying to side step something that is fundamentally about what I'm afraid of, because I feel that trying to do that is more likely to make that happen than being vulnerable with people and risk unexpected unintentional problems.

Because ultimately at this point I trust the people around me to care and I trust them to do things the best way they know how, which I think is honestly more than what I could have done even a couple months ago. I was really trying to work towards it, but something had to like . . . click in my brain. I still attribute that to the months of effort and therapist and the medication though, because without it I don't think I would have been able to like Cope with everything going on.

I also feel like I am making good efforts, in both trying to use my energy towards things I'm aiming for, and in trying to provide things for people to use to help me. I don't think I can do things on my own and need to recognize the contributions of others, which means recognizing that I can do things to improve that, and part of that means taking care of myself so that I can make the best effort possible.

And beyond all that stuff, I'm so relieved that I am like, more stable and probably will cope with moving 100000000% better than I have in the past, but that I can be . . . normal about it? Sometimes I feel like I didn't understand what "I want to do this because it would make my partner happy" meant, like I could do it logically but emotionally I feel like I have a strong invested interest in that now that I can quantify and translate to my prioritization of what I'm looking for in a apartment. Like even if everything else was perfectly ideal for me I would still be upset because they're upset, and while I can recognize things that are like . . . important enough that suppressing them would be Bad, I can also recognize things that are less important. Plus I trust that if I can communicate, they can understand where I'm coming from and my priorities, which means that by communicating we're coming to better conclusions together than apart.

(edit: another thing I found cringey was the idea of trying to fix my problems and doing it BADLY which is obviously better than not doing it at all but that was really hard to wrap my head around at the time)

I'm tired now so I'm going to post even though I have more thoughts so I can get ready for bed. There's stuff I want to think more on, like how I feel sometimes the pressure to push back on anything to prove that I can to myself being basically nullified by reassurance and what other things that I struggle with that I can improve by reminding myself of simple facts I often forget, and the awareness that I'm making mistakes in regards to my own goals and in regards to things I can't directly observe, but too sleepy now

#personal #mental illness

[crimsun-n-clover]

i went non verbal for a bit today.

i went to band practice with the metal band and couldn’t catch my breath enough to sing, so i kept missing cues or cutting off lines early. i was shaking and dizzy, trying to keep the three chords of the easy song we were playing in order. i was shaking, barely there mentally.

after that, i got in the car with mom, and she asked me how it was. i said it was bad, but that was my fault. i kept stuttering through everything i said, and talking got harder and harder. i just stopped altogether because it hurts in a way i can’t explain. it’s a tough strain, but i don’t know what part of me is straining.

i can talk a little better now, but i feel useless.

yesterday i went to a waterpark with my family. it was fun and all, but a total sensory nightmare. i woke up with sharp pain all over and feeling like i just had a panic attack. because of that, all my bottled up stuff was too hard to hold back. i’m reliving stuff i pushed out of my head. i don’t have the energy to stop it, and as it keeps happening, i lose all energy at all and can’t stop it for a long time.

i might be this way for a month now. who fuckin knows.

i wonder if there’s an alternate universe where i’m happy right now.

i doubt it, seeing as i’m fundamentally fucked up, and that’s how my entire personality and perspective was built.

if i wasn’t autistic, anxious, depressed, adhd, fighting suicidal ideation, and a lesbian, i wouldn’t be me. i wouldn’t be the creative, punk, protective person i am. i wouldn’t have such strong opinions and strict morals. i wouldn’t have bad coping mechanisms. i just wouldn’t be me at all.

i don’t think there is a world right now where i’m happy. maybe i’m playing dnd every day, am in a long term relationship, playing as a character in rocky horror locally, touring with my band, whatever. all things that i would love. i’d still be pretty messed up.

and i think there’s probably more universes where i’m in prison, dead, or addicted to more severe substances than the ones i’m already on. seeing as i’ve been tap dancing on thin ice my whole life, other versions of me probably already fell through.

i wanna be put in a washing machine. spun around until all the filth comes out.

thrown against the walls and coming out better, even if i’m a bit rougher. i’m already pretty rough. i don’t wanna be a scratchy jacket that you push to the back of your closet because you don’t want to get rid of it, but you can’t stand to wear it all the same.

i know i mean something to a lot of people. i have a family (even if they don’t know me at all), close friends, kiddos i gotta look after, a cat who loves me more than anyone else, a car that my parents will scrap the second i stop defending her, a bunch of half finished projects that wouldn’t be finished ever if i was gone, all that.

i just don’t mean anything to myself. i’m trapped in this body and this brain, and it’s like i’m being punished for existing. it wasn’t my choice. my parents didn’t abort me (conservative assholes) and now they’re stuck with a mean burden who believes the exact opposite of everything they do. i’m a burden to myself. i don’t understand how other people love me

i know they do. i won’t deny that. but i can’t stand myself. and i know that’s probably because i tend to stay in a lot of pain in some way or another. i can’t love me. i’m better than a lot of people, i know, but i don’t like being in this state. i like my creativity and my tastes and my stances, but the rest of me is eating me alive.

i’ll be a hollow fucking shell before i’m 30, if i make it that far. the weird meds i’m on, my stupid behavior, and my willingness to put everyone before myself suggest i might not make it all that far. chaotic good is a genuine, faithful, and loving alignment, but any character like me probably went after some immoral piece of shit boss who was just a bit too powerful. killing us and snubbing out all the love we try to share in whatever indirect way we can.

you know, i always hate saying the word love. it’s so destructive. it implies that whoever is on the receiving end should love you also, and i never want to ask that of anyone.

i never told sugar. it scared me. i couldn’t say that i loved her, because i meant it in a different way than i meant it with everyone else. it was too big and scary to confront. i felt wrong for catching feelings over a friend, so i just didn’t let it show at all. i didn’t want to make her feel like she had to feel the same.

i love my friends, but it’s weird to tell them. it makes me uncomfortable, because they don’t know some of the bad shit about me. they don’t love all of me, and i don’t want them to have to say it back. it makes my skin crawl to the point that i can’t say “i love you too.” it’s just “same here, ya crazy bastard.”

i can tell the kiddos sometimes. i take care of them and they look up to me. they deserve to have a role model tell them that they’re loved. i may be a bad role model, but i’m one fuckin loving bad role model. if you see something in me that you want to be, that makes me think that you might not be completely okay, or maybe you’re repressed and don’t know how to be unapologetically yourself yet. i worry about them. they should be encouraged to be who they are at their core, so might as well try and tell them that they’re already enough and should just keep being more and more authentic.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m stimming so hard that it hurts. i keep seeing things moving out of the corner of my eye. i can’t stay still or focus. i’m dizzy every time i move. i can barely get words out.

i don’t like anyone seeing this blog, but if someone does, please explain to me that i’m not about to die. i don’t know why i feel like this and i’m at the point where i want to call a hospital just to be sedated and tested for stuff. i won’t feel anything or think anything, and maybe they’ll be able to stop everything from hurting as much.

i just started crying because i got tangled in my blanket. fucking christ i’m at a low. goodnight tumblr

[kenahlihsoul]

Flipping The Coin

Look at a coin. Any coin you have lying around and if you don’t have a coin within reach try imagining one in detail. Some coins are really shiny, some are deteriorated beyond recovery, but all of them have the same thing in common: two sides. The one side has the face of an influential person in history which represents that specific coin whether it be Abraham Lincoln on the penny, George Washington on the quarter, or any of the other numerous pieces of currency there are in the world. On the other side, there is a picture depicting a monument, a national bird, a state, or so on. Each side different from the other and each coin individually different than the coin sitting next to it. 

Each person has there own “mental coin”. Two different trains of thought, you can have a negative side or a positive side. The way our brains currently work is we flip that coin and, by chance, we take whatever we get. We wake up in the morning, and we are either on the right or wrong side of the bed. Every choice we make we are positive or negative without really consciously thinking about it.

My question for you is, how many times this month have you at any point in the day said “People suck” or “I suck”. What about the past week? This very day? Every single one of you without a doubt has chosen this side of the coin at some point, maybe some more often than others. It has become trait humanity has lost control of, living with the negative. Maybe you looked in the mirror, flipped the coin, and it landed on negative. Suddenly, you notice how frizzy your hair is, how bad your acne has broken out, or how much weight you have gained.

What happens if you pick up that coin and flip it over yourself? What if you choose what side you wanted? What if you changed your way of thinking to a more positive side? Well, I will tell you what happens. When you look in that mirror, you will embrace yourself, flaws and all. Maybe instead of saying “Wow, I have gotten really fat!” you will state “Maybe I will go to the gym today and start working out”. Just the slightest rearrangement of words can make a statement positive and better for your overall mental state. Another one of my favorites is “I look like such a lazy piece of shit” and change that to “Maybe I will dress up and go out”. 

Now, this is more challenging than it sounds. Rewiring your brain is harder than just saying some words in the mirror or meditating on your thoughts. Sometimes you are going to say or think something positive to yourself and not mean it. This is something you are going to have to do repeatedly until you actually believe it. And it is not that you are trying to convince yourself of lies. What you are doing is dredging up the stuff that you already know is deep down. All that positivity is in you somewhere. So find it. Search for it. The negativity is brought on by societal norms and pressures so forget those pesky negativities, and find your true self.

I can imagine you sitting there at your computer or on your mobile devices and thinking “Why the hell should I listen to her? What is this positivity going to do for me? This sounds like a load of bull”. Well maybe start there, change that statement to “Maybe I will give this a chance if it might do me some good. It couldn’t hurt to try”. But if you still don’t, believe me, I can give you more scientific minded people some evidence. 

My first piece of evidence is the broaden-and-build model which shows that positive emotions not only counteract negative emotions but also “broaden individuals’ habitual modes of thinking and build their personal resources for coping”. This next scholarly article I chose for you is based on biological aftermaths of being more positive. Overall, it discusses the correlations between eudaimonic and hedonic types of well-being and the effects they have on neuroendocrine, the immune system, cardiovascular, and rapid eye movement (or also known as sleep). Now those words might be a little overwhelming and confusing to you. I will explain it as simply as possible. Eudaimonic is the idea of self-improvement or development and feeling purposeful. Hedonic deals with positive feelings like happiness. Now I don’t want to go all research crazy (which is something I really enjoy doing). So, if you would like to read more or interested in more information, I will leave the links to these articles at the bottom of this blog.

So which will you choose my young padawan? Will you stay on the Dark Side? Or will you change and become a Jedi? Sorry, my geek is showing. But honestly, being positive might sound like a lot of work but looking at all the benefits that go along with it, it is definitely worth giving it a shot. Go start flipping those coins!

Cultivating Positive Emotions to Optimize Health and Well-Being (broaden-and-build mode) by Barbara L. Fredrickson - https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2000-03082-001.html  Positive health: connecting well-being with biology (eudaimonic and hedonic) - https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/pdf/10.1098/rstb.2004.1521

#two sides of the same coin #smallbusinessowner #philosophy #mindfulness #think about it

[eddiemunsonssoulmate]

Harder than the liquor I pour

Pairing: JJ x Reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Summary: After losing his best friend, JJ has trouble coping with the loss.

Warnings: Mention of alcohol abuse, mentions of panic attacks

Available on: AO3

A/N: Just a short piece because I couldn’t get it out of my head how JJ was gripping his chest during the first episode. Poor boy :(

You hadn’t been able to find him for the last three days.

Three days too many, you were worried about him and had looked all over the island for him.

You checked all of his usual places and he was nowhere to be found. Not even a single sign of him. Hell, you even asked Luke about him but of course that douchebag of a father didn’t know where his own son was at. Something you had expected but the worry in your bones made you do stupid decisions.

The wind was blowing through your hair as you rode your bike through the last bit of light the sun would give you.

The first day that he didn’t answer your text or came to visit you, you thought he maybe needed some space. 

The second day he had been missing you had asked Pope and Kie if they knew anything but they also came up empty handed. Kiara had been grounded by her parents and Pope had been busy helping out his father, both of them trying to deal with the grief in their own way, so they couldn’t help you look. It was unusual but you would just do it on your own then.

Today, on the third day, you grew really worried. JJ was normally obsessed with you, in a good way of course. He kept coming over, wanting to talk to you and even after the loss of his best friend he had been at your house for multiple nights so you could give each other comfort.

And suddenly, no JJ to be found anymore.

You called his name out multiple times, looking left and right of the road, almost hoping you would just find him passed out in some ditch as long as he was alive and you could finally have him in your arms again.

He had been struggling ever since the accident. They hadn’t declared John B and Sarah as dead long after that. It had ripped him apart. You were hurting too but you only joined the Pogues later so you didn’t know them for too long, didn’t grow up with them. You did grow up with Sarah though but didn’t see her often, you had only gotten close when she joined the Pogues too.

You got off your bike, backside starting to hurt from using it all day long. A frustrated sigh left your throat as you pulled around to the Chateau, not in the mood to go home where no one would be waiting for you. Your parents were out on some business trip, thinking you would be okay and they would be back when school started. That’s at least what they had said, who knew when they would really be back.

A frown was forming on your forehead when you saw light at the old house. You threw your bike to the ground and walked over to the entrance, hope swelling in your breast.

“JJ? Is that you?” You asked carefully, not wanting to get stabbed by a robber. Not that there was anything to rob in here. 

“y/n?” The voice came from the bathroom and you walked over there with fast steps. JJ’s voice sounded hoarse and when you saw him, he was kneeling over the toilet, pale as a white wall.

“What happened?” You asked him when you kneeled down beside him. He was just hanging over the toilet, one arm on the top, his face sweaty, hair wet.

“Don’t know, you tell me,” he replied with a stupid grin, eyes half hooded as if he wasn’t really present. A whiff of alcohol came rushing towards you as soon as he had opened his mouth and you coughed.

“I think you had too much, buddy.” You ran a hand through his hair, holding the strands between your fingers for a moment. He was really just covered in sweat. “Come here.”

You reached under his arms and tried to lift him up but he had trouble standing.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled and pushed you away with more force than you expected. You almost stumbled over but were able to keep it together.

“JJ, I was looking for three days for you. Where have you been?” You asked him as you followed his weak figure to the bedroom he used to stay in where he sat down on the bed. Around the room were empty cans of different kinds of alcohol.

“Here, there, everywhere,” he said with a grin and started to giggle. He did act stupid when he had been drinking but you’ve never seen him drinking this much. Normally it was just beer but there was some pretty hard stuff around here and he seemed to have mixed them together in his body.

“You really need to rest.” You chose to ignore his stupid answer, he didn’t seem able to have a normal conversation with you about his whereabouts right now anyway.

“Why?” He asked as if he didn’t know what was going on. As if he wasn’t drunk out of his ass.

“Because you’re drunk as hell, your whole body is covered in sweat, you’ve been missing for three days and you just clogged the toilet with your puke.” You listed these things while trying not to sound mad or worried. He shouldn’t focus on your emotions right now but on his own.

“Oh so that means I need rest? Maybe I just needed to get away for a while,” he said with a shrug and grabbed a full can of beer which you quickly snatched out of his hand.

Within a moment he was standing right in front of you, invading your personal space and looking quite angry. He wasn’t standing straight by any means, swaying a bit.

You clenched your jaw and shook your head. “No more alcohol.”

He growled at you and shook his head, trying to take the can from you.

“y/n, come on. I need it,” he said through gritted teeth and you raised an eyebrow at him.

“Why? Is that what you’ve been doing the last few days? Just drinking wherever you were? It’s not a solution,” you told him with a stern voice, shaking his head slightly to underline your point.

“If you had paid attention in chemistry, you would know that alcohol is definitely a solution.” He grinned smugly at you and this time you were raising both eyebrows in disbelief.

“I can’t even remember the last time you have attended chemistry class,” you huffed out, trying not to laugh out of frustration.

“Maybe I’m just smart.” He leaned down close to your lips but you knew he was just trying to reach around your body so he could get the can from behind your back, so you took a step backwards and heard him growl in frustration.

“You for sure are, I wish you’d acknowledge that more often.” Pope had probably told him that whole solution thing at some point. It at least sounded like something that would come from him. Which didn’t mean that JJ wasn’t smart of course, he really was but often his instinct kicked in before his brain did and he ended up making stupid choices.

“Please, rest,” you pleaded with him and he pouted at you before letting himself fall back on the bed behind him.

His eyes were full of sadness and his face was tired. You felt so bad for him, especially because he would have the worst hangover tomorrow.

“If you don’t, I’ll have to tie you down, you know?” You added the words quickly, not wanting to see the sadness in his eyes anymore. You couldn’t handle it when he was so sad that it was tearing you apart too but sadly, this had been the case too often.

“Fine,” he groaned and lay down, turning his back towards you. 

For a long moment you just stood there before placing the can on the shelf behind you. You then took a few steps forward to him and grabbed the nearby blanket, throwing it over him and putting it up to his neck. 

Suddenly his hand grabbed yours and his warm hand wrapped around yours, cold rings pressing against your skin.

“You gonna stay?” His voice sounded almost unsure but you just let out a little happy snort before giving him a nod which he wasn’t able to see.

“Sure will. Now sleep.” You leaned down and pressed a kiss to his temple. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He had been strangely quiet this morning. You weren’t sure if it was because he felt bad for last night or because he had a massive hangover. Maybe both.

You really wanted to talk to him about last night though. There was no way to avoid it but first, breakfast.

Both of you were sitting on the porch of the Chateau, not saying a word, just eating the food you had prepared.

“Listen,” he suddenly started and put his milk roll down, only half eaten. 

You tilted your head to the side and stopped eating too, waiting for him to say what he wanted.

JJ closed his eyes and took a deep breath before shaking his head and getting up, walking down to the yard. You followed him quietly, not wanting to push him because you knew how he would get if provoked.

Your gaze followed his, looking toward the water.

“I just can’t...I can’t handle it.” He didn’t need to put any context around his words, you knew exactly what he was talking about.

The blonde boy was missing his best friend, his brother and had troubles coping with his alleged death.

You put your hand on his left shoulder and he took his right hand and placed it on yours, enjoying the comfort in silence for a moment.

“Ever since...the accident. I’ve been drinking more than I should. Alone, when the three of you weren’t there. I just tried to kill these feelings inside of me. All this pain.” His words were dripping in pain and if you’d be looking at his face right now, you were sure you could see tears starting to build.

You slightly moved so you stood in front of him, indeed seeing his glassy eyes but he knew he didn’t need to hold back with you. You loved him and he loved you.

“You don’t have to do this alone, I’m right here,” you said and gave him a crooked smile, trying to comfort him somehow even though you knew it would be hard.

“My chest...it’s been aching. Like sometimes when I’m alone and I think about the whole thing.” He put a hand over his chest, right above his heart, gripping his shirt as if he tried to grip his beating heart. “I start to sweat, I shiver, my heart is racing and I feel sick, I can’t breathe.”

You knew that feeling too well even though you’ve never told him before.

“Those are signs of a panic attack, JJ,” you told him and moved closer, pulling him into an embrace. “Drinking makes it worse.”

“Hm.” He only replied with this sound and was silent for a moment before he wrapped his arms around you too, taking a deep breath.

Your brother used to have a drinking problem in his teenage years and soon after, he had one panic attack after another. You had experienced them oneself a couple of times, the feeling of a tight chest, of not being able to breathe.

It wasn’t something you wanted your boyfriend to experience but yet here you were.

“How do I stop them?” he asked you and leaned back a little to look at your face, not letting go of you in the process.

“Breathing, mostly. Don’t fight it. Call me, I’ll be there for you,” you said calmly, hoping your calmness would somehow go over to him.

“I just wish he was here with me. Us. Both of them,” he sighed and you nodded, standing on your tiptoes to press a kiss to his nose.

“We’ll get through this, okay? Together. Kie and Pope too. When school starts we can’t hide anymore and have to face those looks on their faces. That’s why you’ve been hiding so much, isn’t it?” You knew him well enough to know this.

His jaw clenched and you knew you were right. It terrified you too. Those looks of classmates and teachers. Looks that would say ‘They were friends with dead criminals’ and ‘I wonder if they knew that John B was going to kill Peterkin’ even though none of it was true. Some would even feel pity for them. ‘They lost their friends’ and ‘It must be so hard on them’ but to be honest, none of their opinions mattered. Most of them were shallow people anyway.

You rested your forehead against his chest, trying to get rid of those thoughts of the future. Just like him, you didn’t want to think about it but it was important for him to know that you’d be there with every step you took.

“y/n?” He said your name with such tenderness in his voice that it made you smile.

You looked up at him again and found him smiling slightly.

“I’m so glad to have you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” he said and leaned down to place a kiss on your lips, a kiss that you immediately responded to.

It always gave you butterflies when he kissed you. Normally he was kissing you roughly, sometimes he bit your bottom lip but this time, it was soft and sweet and almost pleading you not to leave him. 

You wouldn’t.

“I love you,” you said as you pulled back to take a breath.

“I love you too.” He put a hand on your head, patting it slightly. It was a sweet gesture, one he didn’t do too often.

“So no more drinking? At least not alone and especially not hiding somewhere for three days so I get worried sick, okay?” you asked him, it had terrified you too much, thinking he would do something stupid.

“I promise. I’ll always call you before I want to get shitfaced.” He couldn’t keep himself from grinning a little and you rolled your eyes at him with a grin yourself.

“Alright, let’s get the place cleaned up. No need to leave evidence of your one-man-party.”

#jj maybank #jj x reader #jj maybank x reader #jj imagine #obx imagine #outer banks #obx #obx netflix #outer banks netflix #jj fic #obx fic #short #fluff #angst #both i guess lmao

[asthmark]

❝ 10 things i know about you ❞ l.jn

synopsis → there are ten important things you learn about lee jeno during your time in quarantine.

request → “if you're still accepting requests, can u make a domestic roommate!jeno? 🥺🥺 thank you and have a nice dayyy”

word count → 7.1k (bruhhh)

sharing an apartment with lee jeno isn’t ideal.

it’s not that he’s a lousy roommate or that you disliked him in any way; you just didn’t know him. you had first met through a mutual friend. they knew jeno was looking for someone to split rent with and that you happened to need a place to stay. they promised you he would give you privacy and assured jeno you were excellent roommate material. with that, arrangements were made and soon enough you moved in together. of course, it was a bit awkward at first but you two eventually got used to each other’s presence. although you were never in the same room for too long and oftentimes went days without speaking, you coexisted.

for a long time, you only knew a couple things about your roommate. for example, you were aware of his strong love for cats, especially his pet calico, seol. you also knew he kept the freezer stocked with pizza rolls that he would use as energy when he stayed up all night playing video games.

what you didn’t know, however, was that you would be spending the next couple months locked in your apartment with him. on top of that, you would begin to learn more things about him—his life, his personality, his feelings.

there are ten important things you learn about lee jeno during your time in quarantine.

       1. he’s a heavy sleeper.

at 10:28 in the morning you find yourself seated at the dining table in the kitchen, spooning froot loops into your mouth. as you stuff your face, you scroll through your phone for entertainment. you decide to open instagram first but you quickly find that to be a mistake. as soon as you open the app a picture of lucas and who you thought was his ex-girlfriend greets you. if that was bad, the caption hits you like a ton of bricks.

@lucas_xx444: should have never left you

in only five words, lucas has completely erased the months you spent dating. it meant nothing to him. sure, things hadn’t ended things the best way but going right back to his toxic ex and even admitting to missing her—now that was a new low. was this his way of getting back at you? his way of making you hurt just like he had throughout your entire relationship? the thought alone leaves you feeling sick.

you decide you’ve already had enough social media for one morning so you decide to check your messages instead. your friends usually left a couple of them overnight. to your surprise, you find that your main group chat has accumulated 241 messages.

[10:48 am] you: good morning i see u guys have been vry chatty

[10:49 am] yeji: ur finally awake!

[10:50 am] yuna: we thought u died lol

[10:50 am] lia: YUNA

[10:50 am] lia: NO

[10:51 am] ryujin: the timing for that joke could not be worse

[10:52 am] yuna: humor is my coping mechanism leave me alone

[10:52 am] you: ??? what happened

[10:53 am] chaeryeong: we left msgs for a reason dummy read them!!

[10:53 am] you: umm there’s over 200 and im not abouta read all that

[10:54 am] yuna: well then lemme break it down

[10:54 am] yuna: the world is ending :)

[10:55 am] you: welp it was about time

[10:55 am] lia: why r u guys like this

[10:56 am] yeji: there’s been a covid-19 outbreak and it’s spreading like wildfire so the government issued a stay at home order :/

[10:57 am] you: omg WHAT

[10:57 am] ryujin: ikr it’s crazy we literally can’t go anywhere

[10:57 am] chaeryeong: and we can’t get boba today either ;( i was so looking forward to that

[10:58 am] ryujin: let’s pls take a moment of silence for all the current and future boba dates that will have to be cancelled

[10:59 am] yuna: no way am i gonna let some wannabe flu make me go boba-less i’m still going out >:(

[10:59 am] lia: ...ur joking right

[10:59 am] yeji: what color casket do u want yuna?

before the groupchat can distract you any further, you place your phone down on the table. you sit back in your chair and let the newly revealed information sink in.

you were stuck inside.

you sigh before standing to clean your dishes. as you’re scrubbing away at your bowl, you feel something brush against your leg. you smile, not even having to look down to know it was seol. the cat would often wander into your room or sleep next to you when you watched tv on the couch. in fact, you were pretty sure you spent more time with seol than his owner.

you gaze at jeno’s room. as always, the door is shut. you wonder if you should let him know what was happening. you two usually kept your distance but you figured that the circumstance you found yourself in was an exception. you quickly dry your hand and shuffle towards his room.

you knock once, quite softly. you assume he’s asleep so you try again, this time a little harder. still, no avail. the third time you put even more force into it. by this time, seol has found his way beside you and claws at the door.

“jeno?” you knock a fourth time. “jeno! lee jeno!”

after more shouting accompanied by incessant meowing, you hear some muffled movement. moments later the door knob twists open and there stands your roommate with disheveled hair and a robe that had obviously just been thrown on his body. seol has taken the open crack in the door as an invitation inside the bedroom.

jeno blinks a couple times as he watches the feline get himself comfortable on his bed. he turns back to you, looking slightly disoriented. you’re not sure if he’s half asleep or your sudden presence has thrown him for a loop. his voice comes out raspy when he asks, “was he, um, bothering you or something?”

you shake your head, vigorously. “that’s not why i came. it’s just that my friends told me that there’s been some kind of virus outbreak and we’re supposed to stay home. so, i thought i’d let you know.”

his face softens. “oh, cool.” suddenly, the look changes. “not the virus thing! that’s totally not cool. i meant, it’s cool that you let me know and stuff. you just saved me a huge freak out so, uh, thank you.”

you smile and nod. “no problem.”

jeno’s eyes linger as you retreat back into your room down the hall. the sound of his door shutting is heard only once you’re out of his eyesight.

   2.    he can cook better than you.

most of the time, you would go out to eat dinner with your friends in the evenings or at least stop by a drive thru. obviously, this was no longer possible in the midst of a pandemic. you found that to be incredibly frustrating as you sat on your bed, stomach empty. no matter how badly you wished to fix it, your laziness had gotten the best of you. apart from that, you already knew how unlucky you were when it came to cooking—the memory of burning noodles at lia’s house one night had been permanently seared into your brain.

you almost believe your mind is playing tricks on you when you catch a whiff of pasta in the air. for a moment you think it’s your next door neighbor, taeyong, cooking again. you knew he was quite the chef. but, the smell is getting stronger by the second and you decide it must be in your apartment.

you wander into the kitchen, only to find jeno standing over the stove. he’s stirring red sauce in a pot when he notices you watching him.

“oh, hey,” he greets with a polite wave.

you can only stare at the rest of the kitchen—pots, pans, and ingredients all over the place—in utter awe.

he chuckles, awkwardly. “yeah, sorry about the mess. i’ve been told i’m a decent cook but i can never seem to get the tidiness down.”  

“no, it’s not that. this just all seems so... professional.” you sniff the air once more. “smells amazing, too.”

he smiles, sheepishly. “thanks. are you a fan of spaghetti?”

you nod.

“good. i wanted to make something you’d like.”

“you really didn’t have to,” you say, leaning against the fridge. “i mean, i’ve never done anything for you.”

he uncovers a pot to check on the pasta. you watch as hot steam rises out of it. “what about this morning?”

you can’t help but laugh. “that most certainly does not count. you’re making an entire meal. that takes a lot of effort.”

he waves a hand, dismissively. “i used to cook a lot with my old roommate, doyoung. the guy was an asian gordon ramsey, i swear. so, yeah, this is nothing too crazy. and i really do enjoy it.”

“well, i’m still gonna repay you.” you fold your arms.

he looks away from his dish to raise a brow. “is that so?”

you nod in confirmation. “definitely.”

“tell you what, if you wash the mountain of dishes that are gonna be left over, we’ll be even.”

you stare at the sink that’s already overflowing with dirty kitchen tools. that wasn’t even half of it. “uh, sure, sounds good.”

he laughs at hearing the uncertainty in your voice. “that’s the spirit.”

   3.    he’s allergic to cats.

the familiar sound of soft purring is what pulls you attention away from the movie playing on your laptop. already knowing exactly who it is, you launch yourself off your bed to allow your furry guest inside.  

“hey seol. what’ve you been up to?”

the calico meows, almost as if he were responding to your question. you close your door and go back to your original position. you notice seol sitting directly in front of your bed, looking up at you with wide eyes.

“come on up.” you pat your sheets, invitingly.

he obeys and stretches before laying down beside you.

“have you ever watched ‘avengers’?” you ask, eyes going back to the explosive fight scene on the screen.

this time, seol doesn’t even bother humoring you with a meow. he stays silent with his head tucked into his paws.

you scratch his head and his tail wiggles. “i’ve gotta stop asking you questions.”

both you and seol’s heads snap towards the door when you hear a knock.

“come in!” you call out.  

jeno swings open the door. his eyes briefly scan the room before landing on the furball on your bed. the unmistakable look of adoration shines in his eyes when he sees how lovingly you caress him.

“seol! what are you doing in here? bothering y/n?” the cat jumps off your bed and towards his owner standing in your doorway. jeno scoops him into his arms and faces you. “i’m so sorry. he saw me running a bath for him and bolted.”

“it’s all good. he’s a great movie buddy. besides, i could always use the company.”

jeno curiously glances at your computer screen. “is that ‘avengers’?”

“yep. i’ve seen it like a dozen times.”

“same here.“ he pauses. “hey, if you ever need a movie buddy—like you know, one that talks—just let me know.”

your face lights up. “i’m gonna hold you to that.”

”i hope so. well, if you’ll excuse me, i’ve gotta give this guy a bath.”

seol yowls as if he understands the meaning behind the words and attempts to escape jeno’s grip.    

“here we go again,” he mumbles under his breath.

you snicker at the sight. “looks like you could use some help.”

“oh, no. it’s fine. he can just be a little bratty someti—seol!”

in the blink of an eye, the feline has successfully hopped out of his arms and made a run for it.

jeno gives you an exasperated look before rushing off to catch his runway pet. you find yourself caught up in the excitement so you follow him, the two of you now in pursuit of the calico. you’re sure the image of you both chasing the fluffy animal around the apartment looks like something straight out of a comedy. even you and jeno can’t contain your laughter when he finally catches seol only for him to slip out of his hold a second later. this exact situation repeats itself a couple times before you finally get lucky.

“i got him!” you screech. “jeno! oh my god! what do i do?”

“bathroom, bathroom, bathroom!” he chants in response.

you head in that direction with jeno trailing behind you, ready to catch seol if he somehow manages to get out of your death grip. you bend over the bathtub, slowly lowering the cat into the water. it’s clear he doesn’t have a problem with making a fuss as he wails and flails his limbs around.

after a while, he finally calms down enough that you can lather him in shampoo. jeno insists on scrubbing him, arguing that you had already done way too much. you sit back on your heels, observing the way the seol leans into his delicate touches.

“looks like he likes it now.”

“he likes to make a big deal but he ends up enjoying it every—“ jeno cuts himself off with a sneeze.

“tissue?” you offer.

he shakes his head. “that’s okay, thanks. i’m used to it. i’m just surprised my allergies haven’t acted up ‘til now.”

“allergies?” you echo.

“yeah, i’m allergic to—“ another sneeze. “cats.”

your eyes widen. “really? and you still have seol?”

“i could never get rid of him. he’s too good of a boy. isn’t—“ sneeze. “that right?” he tickles seol under his chin.

“wow. you must really love him.”

“so much.”

“he’s lucky to have you.”

“what about you? you get both of us. doesn’t that make you the luckiest?”

you snort. “i guess it does.”

   4.    he makes a good shopping buddy.

“i have officially cooked everything we have.”

“i can order some takeout, if you want?”

he juts his lower lip out and gives you puppy eyes. “but i like to cook for you.”

you laugh at his expression. “oh god, you look like that one pouty emoji people use when they try to be cute.”

he sits up. “did it work?”

you nod and pinch his cheek.

he yelps. “ah, stop! you’re acting like my grandma!” he manages to get out of your grasp. he rubs his face, soothing the spots you had squeezed. “seriously, though, we really do need to stock up on food.”

“i’ve already been looking into it.” you show him the screen of your phone. “says here you can still go shopping as long as you wear a mask and try to stay six feet away from other shoppers.”

he cringes. “i don’t know if i like the idea of being so close to so many people.”

“i can go by myself, then,” you suggest with a shrug.

he doesn’t hesitate to deny you. “no way are you going alone.” his possessive tone has you staring at him curiously so he adds, “you know, in case you can’t reach something on the top shelf.”

the teasing comment paired with his innocent smile makes you gasp in disbelief. “lee jeno! that’s low! and to think i almost thought you were worried about me.”

“who said i wasn’t?” he smiles at you again before standing up. “i’m going to find us some masks and then we can head out.”  

once you arrive at your local grocery store, you find it to be packed. everyone seems to be in a hurry, grabbing things left and right.

“wow, it’s already gotten crazy,” jeno mumbles, stopping to stare at the flood of people that rush by.

you don’t hesitate to scold him. “well, don’t just stand there! we gotta get our stuff before there’s nothing left!”

without another word you slip into the frenzy of people. jeno struggles to stay behind you. after almost losing sight of you a couple times, he walks a little faster to catch up and places his arm firmly around your waist once he does. you look up at him, your mask covering your slightly agape mouth.

being the gentleman he is, he apologizes. “sorry but i don’t want us to get separated.”

you can only nod and mumble, “good idea.”

jeno pushes the shopping cart with his right hand and holds your figure with his left. once in a while, you’ll break apart from each other to grab an item you need but once it’s in the cart, he’ll make sure you end up in the same position. after an hour or so, you’ve grabbed enough and you decide it’s time to pay.

despite the mask she has on, you can tell the middle-aged woman behind the cash register has a big smile on her face once she catches sight of you and your roommate.

“well, just look at you two.” she sighs. “how cute.”

“oh.” you glance at her then jeno then her again. “oh, no. it’s not like that.”

you attempt to move yourself away from jeno only to find his grip to be so incredibly strong that you almost begin to think he’s trying to hold you in place. once you finally detach yourself from him, you begin loading your groceries onto the counter for the employee to scan. she does so, but not before giving you a displeased look.  

“oh really? he holds you like that because you aren’t together?”

jeno assists her in placing the scanned items in bags. “i didn’t want to lose her.”

she pauses scanning a can of tuna to stare him down. “darling, that sounds like a line from a cheesy hallmark rom-com.”

you can’t help but chuckle. “what he means is that there’s a lot of people here and we didn’t want to get separated.”

jeno adds, “desperate times calls for desperate measures.”

the woman adjusts her glasses. “well, you do certainly seem desperate to have her close to you.”

jeno doesn’t say a word as he continues bagging but his smile reaches his eyes.

   5.    he works out.

why did the pandemic have to hit in the middle of summer?

you often asked yourself this, complaining about how inconvenient it was. especially on the days that made your apartment feel like it was on fire. the days that required a thin tank top and shorts. even then, you found yourself to be drenched in sweat.

you sprawled your arms and legs farther on the sofa, the leather material proving to be very uncomfortable. it was either that or your bed with the warm cotton sheets that stuck to your body. just thinking about it brings you discomfort. the only relief you could think of was a cold shower. you would have already taken one if jeno hadn’t been hogging the one bathroom in the apartment.

“jeno!” you yell.

silence; other than the sound of the water running.

“lee jeno!”

the water stops, temporarily for him to shout back an answer. “what?!”

you wipe at the sweat that has accumulated on the bridge of your nose. “hurry up! i’m melting!”

the water starts back up again and you groan. hoping to distract yourself, you pull out your phone. the group chat with your friends is surprisingly silent so you go to instagram for some entertainment. this time, your ex-boyfriend’s post isn’t the first thing you see. it takes you some scrolling but you do end up seeing another one of his pictures.

it’s simply two intertwined hands with a black and white filter. you identify the one on the left as his and although you aren’t as familiar with the one on the right, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out who it belongs to. contrary to the last, this photo has no cheesy words for a caption, just a red heart.  

but, your stomach doesn’t drop. you don’t feel hurt, either. obviously, you still don’t enjoy seeing him just because of all the awful memories that came with it but other than that, you feel unaffected by the image.

in fact, you feel so confident in yourself that you block him.

you’re surprised you hadn’t done it sooner. you had known you didn’t need him in your life any longer so why keep in contact? you feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders when you press the red button that would keep him and his girlfriend out of your life. you knew with your whole heart that you didn’t need to see either of them.

before, a bit if you had felt the need to keep an eye on him. to see how he was handling the breakup and torture yourself with the fact that he didn’t seem to care. now, you could say you truly didn’t either. you didn’t need him or his stupid pictures. you had other, better things.

your friends.

your cat (yes, you considered seol to be yours).

your roommate.

you had to admit, jeno was the best thing on that list. quarantine had brought you and him significantly closer and you were over the moon about it. he was so wonderful that you kicked yourself for having lived with him for so long without ever really getting to know him. but it was easy to say you two were making up for lost time seeing as you spent every waking moment together. the record long showers jeno took being an exception, of course.

the moment the door to the bathroom opens, you rush into your room and quickly grab an oversized t-shirt and loose pajama pants to change into after your shower. you nearly drop them when you’re met with jeno’s soaking figure in the hallway.

his hair is damp and you can clearly see how long it had become. his skin looks healthy and moisturized, lotion among other skin care products had probably been applied. what really has you in a shock is the fact that the towel barely hangs below his waist. the droplets of water that fall from his hair and down his neck trail down his chest and toned torso towards the only area he has bothered to cover up. his bulky arms are also slightly wet, his veins popping noticeably. he shakes his head in an attempt to rid his hair of any water. then he runs his fingers through it, his muscles flexing ever so slightly as he does so.

“dude!” you exclaim, without a second thought. “you’re ripped!”

he smiles, his round cheeks growing at the unexpected praise. the way he could have such a rugged body but soft-featured face puzzled you to no extent. “thank you. i lift sometimes.”

“sometimes?” you repeat. “don’t be so humble! you’re basically hercules!”

he clicks his tongue. ���ah, c’mon. i’m just an athletic person.”

you keep admiring his physique. “clearly.”

“oh god,” he groans, obviously flustered. “you’re looking at me like you’re gonna eat me or something.”

you hold yourself back from making a less than appropriate innuendo. “no comment.”

his eyebrows shoot up in disbelief. “quarantine is really making you go crazy.”

you point a finger at him. “you try being stuck inside with your hot roommate!”

“trust me, y/n, i know all about hot roommates.”

you tilt your head, acting purposefully oblivious. “are you talking about doyoung?”

“what? no i—“ he sighs. “you know what, just take your shower.”

   6.    you can’t say no to him.

jeno ruffles his black locks with his hand and frowns.

you give him a disappointed look. “knock it off, you’re gonna get dandruff in your soup.”

he ignores your comment. “i look like a hobo.”

you pause, spoon halfway to your mouth. “this i know.”

“y/n, this is serious!”

“okay, okay. what’s the issue?”

“i already told you! i’m a bum!”

“you? a bum?” you pause to think about it. “i mean, mentally? maybe. but physically? no.”

“my hair, though. it’s so long.” he grabs a strand of it and pulls it to emphasize his point.

you shrug. “if having lots of hair is the standard for being a bum, i think most of the population is.”

“i want to cut it,” he announces.

“you should,” you say, pointing your spoon at him. “wanna know why? because if you mess up, no one will ever know. other than me, of course. but if you pay me enough i’ll let you forget it.”

he smiles at the joke for a moment before he leans forward and his face goes serious. “will you help me?”

“what? no way. i’ll mess up. and it’s only funny if you do it.”

he pouts. “please?”

you stir your soup around. “just watch some youtube videos. after three, you’re automatically a professional.”

“i want you.”

the statement has your neck snapping up from your bowl to him. the smug grin on his face lets you know that he was well aware of the double meaning behind his words. it was clear he was trying to fluster you enough to get a yes.

“you think you’re flirty enough to straight up brainwash me into doing stuff?”

“well, i wanted to say that to you anyway but... kind of?”

you feel a smile creep onto your lips at hearing the genuine tone in his voice. you down your last few spoonfuls of soup and quickly stand up. jeno looks up at you, eyes hopeful.

“finish your dinner. get the scissors. meet me in the bathroom.”

not even ten minutes later, jeno practically dances into the bathroom, a pair of red craft scissors in his hand. he sits on top of the toilet lid, figuring that’d be the easiest way for you to reach him. you walk in moments later.

“i’m pretty sure we’re not supposed to be using these types of scissors for hair,” he mumbles as he hands you the sharp utensil.

you twirl them in your hand. “oh, definitely not. do you want to wait then?”

he shakes his head, his shaggy bangs swaying with the movement.  

“alright, let’s get this going then.” you thread your hands through his thick locks to collect some of it in between two of your fingers. you bring the scissors forward and snip the small amount just to test the waters.

you slowly begin to get more comfortable and once you feel like you’re in your element, things begin to speed up. you move and cut faster but with efficiency. you do the spots on the back of his head and work your way forward. when it finally comes time to touch up his bangs, your small bathroom proves to be an inadequate spot to be doing this.

you end up standing balanced inches above jeno’s thighs that he’s pressed together tightly in an attempt to give you more room. you’re constantly readjusting your stance and when he notices, his hands go to your hips. you know he’s just trying to help you stay upright so you do a decent job but you still inhale sharply at the feeling of his hands on you.

not long after, you’re standing next to jeno as he inspects himself in the mirror. his fingers flick his newly shortened bangs around.

“not bad.” he tilts his head in a new angle and nods. “looks super good to me.”

you tuck the scissors into your back pocket with a relieved sigh. “oh thank god. i didn’t want to tell you before we started but i only watched two youtube tutorials on trimming hair.”

he runs a hand through his hair with a chuckle. “now that’s truly worthy of praise. and a tip.”

you raise a brow. “oh yeah? what’s th—“

he cuts you off by pressing a chaste kiss to your forehead. he pulls back and drags his thumb over the skin that has come into contact with his lips. “thanks again.” with that, he leaves you standing in the bathroom, eyes wide and face warm.

   7.    he has six best friends.

“can i borrow your laptop?” asks jeno, from outside your door, nearly breathless.

you look up from your book. “uh yeah, sure.”

he rushes in your room and takes the item off of your dresser. “do you happen to have zoom on it?”

you shake your head and he groans. without another word, he disappears, running off into the living room. you hear his frustrated sighs as the minutes pass and he attempts to download the application. you finally decide to go check it out once it becomes too much to bear.

“it sounds like you’re in pain over here,” you comment.

he runs a hand through his hair. “i’m supposed to meet with my friends through a zoom call but it’s so complicated.”

you put a hand on your hip. “bet you five bucks i’ll be able to get it in five minutes.”

“are you kidding? i might be technologically challenged but i’m not stupid. i know you can do it fast, just help me out already, would you?”

“alright, grandpa.”

you type and click away at the screen, jeno watching you do so, entranced but equally as lost.

“well, i was wrong,” you say after a couple moments, leaning back in your chair.

“you couldn’t get it?” asks jeno, worriedly.

“no, it’s not that.” you click something on the screen and the app opens. “turns out i could do it in three.”

he rolls his eyes and shoos you out of the chair. he sits down and enters the code and password for the zoom meeting. it takes a minute, but he finally connects. you count six other people in the call. they all immediately cheer at seeing jeno and you hear them excitedly exclaim his name.

“hey guys,” he says, a smile already reaching his eyes. “it’s so good to see your faces.”

they all nod to agree. you get a good look at each one of them and realize they’re all boys. your eyes read over each of their display names.

mark me in ur heart

hyuckie~~~

moomin enthusiast

nananananana

chnele

lil huddy

“nice name, jeno,” ‘moomin enthusiast’ guy comments, snickering slightly. “glad to see you finally came to terms with it.”

‘jenojam’, his name reads. the rest of the group laughs, also teasing him about it. you assume it’s some kind of inside joke.

the self proclaimed ‘lil huddy’ furrows his eyebrows. “wait, did you choose that name yourself?”

jeno simply nods in response.

he glares into the camera. “donghyuck, you told me i had to put this as my name or else it wouldn’t let me connect!”

donghyuck—or ‘hyuckie~~~’, you presume—shrugs. “oops. guess i was wrong.”

you laugh at the humorous exchange. it seems like the sound has drawn some attention to you when ‘nananananana’ speaks up, eyes trained on you.

“um jeno? don’t you want to introduce your guest?”

jeno beams, dragging you closer into the frame. “i’m sure you all know about my roommate. say hi, y/n.” 

you do so, waving and smiling politely at the group.

“you know, even though we used to always hang at jeno’s, i don’t think we’ve ever actually seen your face,” ‘chnele’ says, tilting his head.

you agree. “me neither. i’ve mostly just heard you guys.”

the ‘mark me in your heart’ boy sheepishly rubs his neck. “sorry. we tend to be a little loud.”

‘chnele’ lets out a high pitched screech of a laugh. “only a little?”

“i recognize that laugh!” you blurt. “i would hear it all the time!”

”that’s our little dolphin,” coos ‘hyuckie~~~’.

“oh god, stop. i hate that stupid nickname.”

“it’s well deserved.”

“i think you should apologize to y/n for being a nightmare to her eardrums.”

“and ours, for that matter.”

“what about all your little freestyles? i’ve had to sit through hundreds of them and i never got an apology!”

“because they’re not bad! could you do any better?”

“you’re a soundcloud rapper, i think anyone could.”

jeno turns to you as the bickering on screen gets louder and louder. “this is gonna be a long call.”

once the group has moved on from roasting the life out of each other, you’re able to engage in some good-natured conversation. jeno teaches you the names and the other basics about the group. some points that stand out about the group is that mark is the oldest, renjun specializes in contemporary dance, jaemin inhales six cups of coffee on the daily, and chenle is insanely rich.

“what about jeno?” you ask them. “anything i should know about him?”

“he’s allergic to cats but the idiot still adopted—“

“she already knows about that, renjun,” jeno chuckles.

“oh. well. that’s pretty much the only interesting thing about him.”

jisung pipes up. “oh wait! he works out religiously too!”

you and jeno share a look. you burst into laughter and he simply glances away, slightly embarrassed. “oh yeah, i know that all too well.”

“and what about the unhealthy cooking obsession?”

you nod at mark’s question. “that too. he cooks dinner almost every night around here.”

renjun purses his lips. “he already cooks for you? wow. he must really like you.”

“you think?” jaemin asks. “didn’t you read any of the messages in the group chat? he’s practically in love with her. his words, not mi—“

“okay! i think it’s time for us to go! bye guys!” jeno doesn’t even give you a chance to say your own goodbye before he’s clicking the ‘end call’ button in the bottom right corner.

you give him a confused look. “what was that all about?”

“they’re crazy.” he laughs. “well, if you need me i’ll be in my room screaming into my pillow for the next couple hours.” he dashes off leaving you standing alone, trying to comprehend what had happened.

   8.    he‘s a great listener.

jeno has officially replaced seol as your movie buddy, not that you have a problem with it. you thought it was nice to have someone you could actually converse with but of course, you make sure seol still sits in.

“what i’m saying is that iron man just wants to protect his team.”

“well, if they sign the accords, they basically surrender themselves to the government.”

“and?”

“you don’t see a problem with that? see, captain america knows what he’s doing. he’s literally an avenger—“

“so is iron man!”

“let me finish! so, he’s an avenger, right? he has the best judgment because he’s saved the world countless times. he knows how to operate his team and do the right thing.”

“okay but there’s casualties. and that’s what iron man is trying to fix.”

“how do you save the world and not have casualties?”

“you just—“ your phone rings mid argument and you raise your finger towards jeno. “this isn’t over.” you put the phone to your ear, not bothering to check the caller id. “hello?”

“sweetheart?”

you feel a chill go up your spine. was it him? no, it couldn’t be. you had blocked his number shortly after you did so on all your social media.

“baby, don’t be so shy. i know you’re there.”

you can’t hold back. “please don’t call me that.”

he chuckles, breathlessly. “oh, c’mon. you used to love it. you still do.”

“no, i don’t. actually, i don’t want to hear your stupid pet names or stupid voice or see any of your stupid posts. just go bother your girlfriend and leave me alone.”

you notice jeno perk up beside you out of the corner of your eye. he must have been caught off guard by your irritated tone.

as always, lucas is unaffected by you. “i’m being nice and giving you a second chance. i even called you behind soyeon’s back.”

“is that something i’m supposed to reward you for?” you scoff. “congratulations, you’re now awful, toxic, and a cheater.”

he growls. the sound was familiar. in your relationship, if you heard it you knew he was going to snap at you until he had the satisfaction of making you cry. “i know you miss me so don’t say things you’re going to regret later. because even when you’re back in my arms, i won’t let you forget it.”

the thought of being back with him made you feel icky. but the fact that he sincerely thought you would crawl back to him set your entire body on fire. “are you joking? i was always aware of the fact that you treated me like the dirt you walked on but do you seriously think that lowly of me?”

you’re rendered speechless and apparently, so is he because the other line stays silent.

“i wouldn’t go back to you if you were the last person on earth,” you spit. “you treated me horribly, wong yukhei. i won’t ever forget it. move on. i have.”

you glance at jeno, his expression more serious than you’ve ever seen it. his eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes are trained on your cellphone. the glare he gives the device is so strong you wouldn’t be surprised if even lucas could feel it, wherever he was.

you hang up and block the number, wishing to never talk to him again. you toss your phone onto the sofa with an exasperated sigh. you find jeno’s gaze to still be focused intensely on it.  

“if you gave lucas that look, i’m pretty sure he’d cry.”

he breaks his concentration, eyes going to you instead. his entire face softens. “all i’m going to say is he better pray we never cross paths.”

“well, if you happen to, call me up. i wouldn’t mind helping you beat the crap out of him.”

jeno chuckles for a second then lowers his voice to a whisper. “he was really bad to you, huh?”

you nod. “he messed me up. i hate to admit it ‘cause i know i was stupid to stay with him for as long as i did.”

your roommate shakes his head. “don’t say that. it’s not your fault he messed up the best thing that would ever happen to him.”

“i thought i was the problem for so long, jeno. i was so blinded by love. then, i realized there was no way he truly cared for me when he treated me like i had no heart to be broken.”

jeno scoots towards you and rubs soothing circles into your arm. “you have such a big heart. and i can’t tell you how sorry i am that he took advantage of that. i’m sorry that you were stuck with someone so insecure and ignorant. please, don’t think about him anymore.”

you hold in your tears. you refused to cry over someone like lucas. “i know. i try so hard not to.”

jeno holds your head into his chest. his arms are placed securely on your back. “oh, baby.”

when jeno uses this pet name on you, it feels so completely different from lucas. you could tell me meant it. he wasn’t using it to make you stay a little longer, to assure you he loved you. strangely enough, you do not need to be convinced of that. you feel like you have known it for a long time.  

   9.    he likes to be the big spoon.

you’re not sure how he’s done it but you end up falling asleep in jeno’s arms. you assume it had been so long since you had been cradled and rocked so delicately that the foreign yet extremely delightful sensation knocked you right out. even seol is deep in sleep, laying down peacefully at your feet.  

you relish in the feeling of jeno pressed right into your back. he fits so perfectly against you that it reminds you of a puzzle piece. to be exact, the moment when you connect the last two pieces and the full picture becomes complete. that was how you felt—complete.

with jeno’s soft breaths tickling the back of your neck and his soft snores filling your ear, you know there’s nowhere else you’d rather be. his arm that is wrapped around you makes sure you can’t escape his embrace. you are positive that even if you had the liberty of doing so, you would stay exactly where you were.

you lean farther back into your pillow, closing your eyes. you let every thought fade away as you try to fall back asleep as soon as possible. you wanted the moment you found yourself in to last as long as possible.

   10.    he has feelings for you.

jeno mumbles sweet nothings into your ear as he toys with your hair.

it just seemed right to him. like something he was meant to do with you. he had seen these types of things in films and shows before. it was intimate and touching, the scenes were always meant to tug at the audience’s heart strings and show how in love the two characters were. perhaps, even though you lay asleep in his arms, he wants you to finally know.

“honestly, being inside with you all the time is kind of the best. i know the whole virus situation is less than ideal but being able to spend so much time with you... that’s all i could ask for.” he pauses. “isn’t it so crazy how before this we were all weird and awkward around each other? well, i guess we still kind of are. that’s mostly my fault so... sorry. i just don’t know how to act around you sometimes. we’re barely getting close and i’m already this attached to you. as jisung would so kindly say, ‘i’m simping’.” he chuckles to himself. “all jokes aside, i really do like you. ever since you moved in here all cute and nervous, you’ve taken your own little place in my heart, as cheesy as it sounds. and these past few weeks, you just keep on taking up more and more room in there. not that i have a problem with it. i just...” he stops as if he doesn’t know how else to express his feelings. “really, really like you.”

“thanks.”

you feel him jolt then abruptly stop stroking your hair. there’s silence until he asks, “you don’t happen to be a sleep talker, do you?”

you shake your head.

“and did you hear like, a lot of what i said?”

“only the important stuff. like how awkward you are and how much you like me.”

“o-oh.”

“but don’t worry. it’s mutual.”

you feel his relieved breath hit the skin of your neck. “that’s the best thing i’ve heard all day.”

you tilt your head back and stare at him, confused. “what, did you seriously think i wasn’t into you?”

he shrugs. “i was too busy simping, i guess.”

you can’t contain your laughter at the use of the slang. “park jisung would not be proud.”   

#jeno #lee jeno #jeno nct #jeno nct dream #jeno x reader #lee jeno x reader #jeno imagine #jeno imagines #jeno fluff #jeno angst #jeno blurb #jeno drabble #jeno fic #nomin #jaemin fluff #renjun fluff #mark lee #haechan fluff #jisung fluff #nct fluff #nct blurbs #chenle fluff #donghyuck #haechan #markhyuck #nct dream

[anotheranimestan]

hi! I just read “all bark no bite” and omg it was so good!! looking forward to more of your writing and possible a part 2 if you get the chance!

Thank you!!!!!😃🧡 Your wish is my command!

All Bark No Bite (pt. 2)

Bakugo angst + sexual tensionnnn

Read part 1 here

wc: 3k

I hope this is as fun for you to read as it is for me to write! Also why is he 👇 this fineee for no reason.

The next morning, you woke up trying to convince yourself it was all a dream...or a nightmare. But the way you could still feel the softness of his fingers around your neck completely contradicted your wishes. You also had to keep wiping little smiles off your face throughout your entire morning routine. You tried to combat them by listing all the things you hated about Bakugo but it was helpless. Every train of thought ended with the shape of his lips and how nicely they molded with yours.

You and Mina walked to class together and you swore she’d developed a mind reading quirk. You felt her eyes on you like a blazing sun. Although this was really all in your head. She only asked “are you okay?” because you kept looking at her like you’d committed a hate crime.

You and Bakugo didn’t look at each other once during class. No leg shaking, pen stealing or insults. Not even a well timed scoff when you were called on to answer a question. You tried your best to clear your mind and forget everything that had occurred in that hall last night. After a while of this torture you even were having a little bit of success.

But of course your peace was ruined as you walked to lunch. He couldn’t let you have anything. And of course he wasn’t going to leave you alone.

“Hey Little Bite, I hear we get to pick our groups for combat training today. All Might is going to make me a team captain, obviously. So if you want to be on my team let me know. I mean I assume you don’t wanna lose. You just gotta ask me nicely.” His usual cocky tone crept under your skin.

You desperately tried to ignore him as he followed you. Each footstep he started gaining on you being more annoying than the last. But what really did it was the pencil he threw at your head.

“Please, actively do not pick me.”

He ignored your objection and continued on his line of bullshit.

“I suppose I could take you. Your quirk would be useless, I’m all the attack power we’d need to win but I could use you as a decoy or something.”

You rolled your eyes. “I don’t want to be on a team with you, moron. Your pea brain doesn’t know how to do anything but blow shit up. You’re like an explosive cave man. Besides being too close to you for too long makes me wanna vomit.”

He cackled. You knew exactly what he was thinking and immediately regretted your words.

“That’s weird—“

You picked up a rock from the ground and threw it at his head. But he just caught it and made it explode with a smug look on his face.

“Ugh. I cannot stand you.” You groaned.

“You sure about that?” He said with a suggestive eyebrow.

He was so hot....it made you want to punch him in the throat. Without thinking you shrugged off your backpack and swung it at his face. His reflexes bested you again though and he caught the bag, yanking it from you. The force was harder than you expected, it sent you flying into his chest. You both tumbled to the ground and landed shoulder to shoulder. Your skull hit a small rock with a wack. Rubbing the back of your head, shooting pain surfaced.

“Ow!! That fucking hurt dumbass!”

“Sor—“

You swung your arm, aiming to kill, and hit him in the stomach.

It must have really knocked the wind out of him because he made a loud grunting noise that hinted at his surprise. It wasn’t often people got to land a punch on Katsuki Bakugo. King Explosion Murder.

“Do that shit again Little Bite! You’ll regret it!” He grabbed your wrist, attempting to clear a way to get you back. You both started wresting trying to punch each other in the gut. Literally rolling around in the grass in a red hot death match of who could out curse the other.

“Omg, are you guys about to kiss right now?” Mina teased from out of absolutely nowhere, scaring the shit out of you.

You both froze solid as the blood drained from your face. She knew about last night? How did she find out?!

“You told her!?” Bakugo’s entire face was contorting through a whole range of emotions. Shock, horror, embarrassment, accusation, cheekiness, embarrassment again.

“What!?” You panicked. “No! I didn’t!” You swear you didn’t. You replayed your whole morning in your head just to double check.

You turned to your pink friend. Her eyes were wide and her mouth fell open. You watched the gears turn in her head as she realized she’d stumbled upon a miraculously juicy discovery.

“OH. MY. GOD!!! No freaking way!!” She squealed unable to contain herself.

She started blabbering as she attempted to cope with this information. She had absolutely no idea what to do with it.

Your stomach fell as you realized this fatal error. Wait....this wasn’t your error. You pushed him off you and you both scrambled to your feet.

“This is your fault! Why’d you say that!” You shoved a finger in Bakugo’s chest. Which actually hurt because....he’s solid.

“Don’t yell at me!” He yelled back at an even louder volume.

Mina started running around in little circles. “They kissed!!!” She then abruptly stopped in her tracks and you watched a lightbulb flicker on.

No.....

“KIRISHIMA!!!! KAMINARI!!!” She screamed as she ran toward the cafeteria.

“MINA DONT YOU FUCKING DA—“ Bakugo exploded into a full sprint to chase her down. But she was like a rocket.

You chased after them desperately trying to reconcile all this is your mind. But it was no use, your brain was melting. Everyone was about to find out. The relentless jokes...they would never end. You could die right here.

Both of them ran so fast you fell horribly behind. By the time you rounded the corner and caught up to them a whole event had already taken place.

Bakugo was screaming on the top of his lungs. You could practically see the steam coming off the top of his head.

Kaminari was standing there in his stupid form with a half torn shirt. Jesus, what did Bakugo do to him?

Mina and Kirishima were laying on the ground, their face covered in tears. They were laughing so hard no sounds were even coming out.

“Oh my god,” Mina squeaked out between gasps for air, “Bakugo has a crush.”

“It’s so adorable!” Kirishima said wiping the tears from his eyes as he attempted to stop laughing. With no success, they both bursted again after seeing Bakugo slamming his fists into the grass. The teasing was making him want to rip his eyes out. He couldn’t stand it.

“Shut up Kirishima!!!” He jumped on top of his friend and started repeatedly banging his head into the ground. Of course this did absolutely nothing to the hard head. It just made him laugh even more.

Poor Denki just stood there drooling with a little smile on his face and giggling.

You were frozen. Stunned. It was like watching a comedy movie in which you were the punchline.

But all the laughs fell a silent as a furious voice cut through the air.

“What is this.” It wasn’t a question. Mr. Aizawa looked like he hadn’t slept in three days and this used up his last bit of patience.

“Bakugo. Get off him immediately.” He growled.

You knew how this looked. Bakugo was attacking Kirishima after successfully making Kaminari fry his own brain. Your friends’ laughter wasn’t enough to hide Bakugo’s apparent violence even if it was over something as stupid as a kiss. Mr. Aizawa couldn’t possibly know that.

“I overlooked your behavior yesterday, picking a fight with Miss. y/n. But now attacking your other classmates as well? This is violent behavior is unacceptable.”

“Mr. Aizawa—“ Kirishima tried to defend his friend but it was no use.

“Not another word.” Your teacher was glaring at Bakugo with laser beams.

The hot head just stood there in silence with a scowl on his face and two tightly clenched fists. He was really just going to take the heat for everyone? No arguments?

“I’m putting you on house arrest for the rest of the day. No more classes and no combat training.” You watched the dagger go through Bakugo’s chest. Today was going to be offensive training with All Might. You knew he was looking forward to it. Guilt punched your core.

“Mr. Aizawa wait. I’m the one who picked a fight with him yesterday. I challenged him. He shouldn’t get into trouble because of me.” You shuffled toward him timidly. He was scary when he was like this.

Everyone looked at you in surprise. They all knew it was true, that you’d egged him on. And he wouldn’t be raging right now if you hadn’t kissed, so today was also partially your fault. But they were truly surprised because you normally would revel in Bakugo getting scolded. But you weren’t fucking evil. And this wasn’t Bakugo’s fault at all...although he really needed to get his fucking temper in check. Idiot.

“Is that true?” Aizawa asked Bakugo.

The hot head took a deep breath. “Does that sound like me at all? I’d never give into her weak attempts at baiting me. I fought her because I wanted to.”

Your eyes popped out at his words. He lied. Why the fuck would he do that?

Mr. Aizawa escorted Bakugo to the dorms, lecturing the entire way.

“This sucks.” Kirishima said with a frown.

“I know. I feel so bad!” Mina cried sadly.

You had no words. The four of you walked to lunch with drooping heads. You held Kaminari’s hand the whole way until his brain recharged.

Recalling you’d left your backpack in the quad you ran back to get it. Upon arrival you realized Bakugo’s backpack was also there. He wouldn’t even have his stuff with him to finish homework or study during house arrest. You groaned. This guilt was horrible. It ate at you for rest of the day. The rest of your friends didn’t feel any better. And combat training wasn’t the same for you without that familiar sound of explosions going off in the background. It actually made the class feel kind of empty.

As usual at the end of the day you sat in the common area with the rest of the girls.

“So...is it true y/n?” Ochaco poked hesitantly.

You glared at Mina. Loose lips as usual.

“Sorry y/n. I talk when I’m stressed.” Mina cried only kind of regretful.

You sighed. You didn’t have the heart to actually be upset with her. You were the villain here. Getting Bakugo into so much trouble.

“Yea.” You huffed out. Talking about it made you cringe. It was like admitting your sworn rival had defeated you somehow. Even if you sort of didn’t mind the way he did it...

“What was it like?” Mina asked excited for the details.

“Is he a good kisser?” Ochaco added.

Your mind fell into a fog as you replayed the kiss again. Your skin went electric as you remembered the feel of his hands on your waist and those noises he was making. His lips wrapped around yours....

“Oh my god...Ochaco shes in love!” Mina concluded from you zoning out for what ended being like 15 seconds of you staring into space with a little smile on your face. She was practically singing.

“I am not!” You yelled flustered.

“Why are so many people yelling today?” Kirishima chuckled as he rounded the corner to join the couch.

“So is he mad?” Mina’s voice had changed into the sad one from earlier.

“I don’t know. Every time I knock he just tells me to go away. But that’s not that different from normal honestly.” He smiled. Their friendship was so odd.

Suddenly his backpack flashed through your mind. It was sitting in your room.

You got up to leave. You tried to be sneaky about it as they discussed how to cheer the victim up. But to no avail, they’d never let you sneak off again.

“Where you going huh?” Mina’s voice was painfully suggestive.

“To my room!”

“Uh huh, we’ve heard that one before.”

You stuck your tongue at her.

Kirishima twisted to face you over the back of the couch. “So if I ask Bakugo tomorrow if he saw you tonight he’s gonna say no, right?” Who knew he could be this ruthless. No mercy.

You pinched the bridge of your nose in frustration. You’d been cornered.

“Look. He left his backpack earlier and I’m just going to give it to him! Jeez do you want to do it or something Kiri?” You were seething.

“Nahh, you should do it. He’ll just yell at me to go away again.” He winked. It made you cringe again.

You could peel your skin off from this teasing. But you know someone who hated it even more. You knew that’s why he wouldn’t let Kirishima into his room.

You ran off before they could crack any more jokes.

On your way to the elevators you heard a creepy cackle come from somewhere. You spun around, alarmed, as a “what the fuck” escaped your lips. Your eyes landed on one eyeball peeking through the crack of a doorway.

“Can I get a kiss too?” The voice was wet with drool and lust. “Just one?”

“I will kick your face in Mineta.”

The door quickly shut. Did Mina tell the fucking whole class!?

With more haste now you stormed to your room to get the stupid backpack that was causing you so many problems and made your way to your other problem’s door.

Before you knocked you realized your hands were shaking. Nervous? Seriously, over this moron? You shook it off with resolve and knocked.

“Fuck off Denki, for the hundredth fucking time I’m busy!” A gruff voice yelled from behind the door.

“Oh please, busy with what?” You retorted reflexively. Earlier you had decided you were going to try to be nicer but that sentiment wore off as soon as you heard his annoying voice.

The door swung open.

“What do you want?” He said with a raised eyebrow.

Your mind went blank. He was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. Of course it made his biceps look better than normal. He was wearing a black t-shirt that made his skin look perfectly tanned and was snug in all the right places. And why did he always smell so good damn. Today it was like vanilla and woodsy aftershave.

Stop staring. Stop staring. Speak bitch.

“Here’s your backpack. You should keep better track of it. I had to carry it around all day. That’s annoying.” You tossed it at him.

Why couldn’t you say anything nice? He took the heat for everyone. It’s like your mouth was rebelling against you.

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Maybe you should work out more weakling.”

Panic panged in your chest as he started to shut the door in your face.

“Wait—“ you stopped it with your hand.

He paused. Mild interest dawned his brow.

“Why—why did you lie?”

“What?”

“To Mr. Aizawa. You could have told him it was my fault.”

“What do you care?” He pressed. His tone always managed to infuriate you.

You spun on your heels and started to walk away. “Nevermind.”

“Because I felt bad. You hurt your stupid head.”

You’d forgotten about that with all the guilt that had been overrunning your head. It didn’t even hurt anymore. You were surprised he’d even noticed.

“Oh.”

“But obviously you’re fine now so I guess it was all for nothing.” He added quickly trying to sound indignant.

The guilt punched you again. Especially now that you were face to face with him. He didn’t even look mad. He actually looked calm. And he looked good. You tried to deny your attraction to him. But flashes of his hand on your waist started invading your mind again. You could feel him wrapped around your neck. The way he was gentle and rough at the same time.

“Instead of just standing there you could actually make yourself useful. You owe me anyways.”

You snapped out of it trying not to look flustered. You shot him a confused and slightly offended look.

“Fill me in on what I missed in class...” he explained. He wouldn’t make direct eye contact though.

“Are you saying you need my help?” You had to do it. You couldn’t not take an opportunity.

“Tch. Obviously no—“

“Let’s do it. Move.” You said as you pushed past him into his room. Your hand made full contact with his abs and you felt that heat again.

He shut the door behind you and your heart started off like a race horse as you heard him lock it.

You suspected it was to lock the other boys out. God forbid they catch you in his room after all this.

Shit....you were in his room. Alone. With your hot head. The day after he kissed you. The evening after he took all the fury of Mr. Aizawa for you and moments after he asked you to help him study even though he gets way better grades than you.

He cleared a spot for you to sit on his bed and then leaned back into his chair with his hands locked behind his head. His flexing muscles were distracting you again.

“You better actually remember everything.”

“Shut up.” You rolled your eyes at him.

His words were supposed to rile you but the way he looked at you, like he was secretly loving that you were here was making your stomach flutter. You could feel your face red and you prayed he wouldn’t notice. At this rate you were going to throw yourself at him before he had the chance to kiss you again. As long as you two didn’t start fighting again first.....

~~

💥 YES there will be a pt 3!!! 💥

It’s going to be called “sTuDyiNg” HAHA (hint: Bakugo doesn’t actually wanna study “dumbass”)

Update: Pt.3 is up now!! Read it here

#fanfic #bakugo angst #mha bakugou #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugou katsuki #bakugo #bhna imagine #katsuki bakugou #mha angst #my hero headcanons #mha fanfiction #mha fluff #katsuki bakugo x y/n #katsuki bakugo angst #bakugou fluff #bakugou x you #bakugou headcanons #bakugou smut #katsuki bakugo imagine #Kirishima #mina ashido #denki kaminari #ochaco uraraka #mr aizawa

[destinationtoast]

In case it helps anyone to know -- if you struggle, you are not alone.

I think many people who who've followed me or known me for a long time probably think I have my shit pretty together. And in a lot of ways, my life is great, and I have done some cool stuff. But despite that, I struggle with mental health, and my brain is sometimes a terrible place to live. I've spent a bunch of time recently:

Feeling incompetent and like a complete imposter

Feeling like a failure and a disappointment

Feeling like I'll never be able to do any job well and will end up penniless and without healthcare (but still with chronic pain) and an enormous burden to everyone

Feeling like a waste of resources -- "I have so much privilege, and so many advantages, and I squander them by being useless and by not even enjoying my life"

Feeling like I'll never enjoy anything again

Feeling like life will never be anything except stress and despair

Lying awake feeling all my muscles clenched and my heart racing

Having a tremendously hard time getting out of bed

Having an even harder time attending work meetings or doing work

Not being able to eat much and experiencing nausea and digestive issues (where usually I tend to eat larger amounts than usual in response to stress, occasionally it flips and I have to force myself to eat)

Crying unpredictably, e.g. while doing dishes, and having to awkwardly explain to housemates

Feeling numb and impatient and distracted while trying to read/watch TV/browse Tumblr

Feeling So. Much. Guilt. And. Shame. Just constantly.

This is all in spite of the fact that (a) I have substantial and even recent evidence to the contrary about a lot of this stuff (e.g. I got feedback at work not that long ago that I was doing really well and could consider going up for promotion soon). And (b) I've had intense episodes of anxiety in the past and then gotten better, so I have plenty of examples of how these intense feelings don't necessarily predict the future.

Despite all this data, and despite my loved ones telling me wonderful, helpful things, I have spent a lot of time feeling viscerally quite horrible over the past few weeks (as well as for much longer stretches, at times in the past). And parts of my brain have compellingly argued that this will probably last forever.

I've dug myself partially out by talking to a doctor (though I realize healthcare is a privilege not everyone has, though we all should) and getting a short term Rx to help me relax at night enough to sleep. And signing up for therapy again. And discussing longer term possible changes to my meds (I'm on an antidepressant that had been working well till recently). And doing simple breathing exercises. And forcing myself to go do some small amount of work -- especially to make progress on a couple of the things i was most dreading, or to ask others for help with them. And forcing myself to eat and go for walks. And spending time petting kitties. And admitting to my closest peeps that I am struggling, and getting them to say that they'll still like me even if I lose my job. And remembering all those past episodes of anxiety and depression (as well as panicky bad drug trips) that I was sure would last forever at the time, but didn't. And realizing that life is long, and there are many ways to survive and find joy in this world -- and even if I thoroughly fuck up one path, there are other things to try.

I also had to do a big hard thing at work this week that was very stressful (definitely the dread of this has been one contributing factor in my recent spiral). Afterwards, I immediately felt drenched in relief, and feelings of interest and joy and hunger have started to flood back into my life again. "HAHA JUST KIDDING," the unhelpful parts of my brain suddenly said. I still would like to get to a much more stable place mentally, and I'm going to continue to work toward that, and to develop my toolbox for coping. But the sudden easing of some of the terrible sensations feels miraculous, and I'm grateful, and amazed at how fast my internal state can change. And even if maybe it turns out I feel worse again tomorrow, I'm going to enjoy today and try to remember that I did so.

So. If you're struggling, I empathize so much. And it's worth trying to keep in mind that:

Strong feelings of incompetence and/or certainty that the future will suck don't stem from reality. Our brains+bodies sometimes make us feel these things strongly even when actual evidence says otherwise.

That means anxiety/depression is like a bad drug trip. It feels very real, but you're likely to feel at least somewhat differently -- and sometimes substantially better -- if you can hang in there a while.

Just because your brain may be lying to you doesn't mean the resulting struggle isn't real. It's legit hard sometimes to do the basics of survival -- Eat. Sleep. Move the minimal amount needed to get food & water, go to the bathroom, etc. When you're finding those things hard, you're ill. And you deserve time off and self care and a trip to the doctor, if you can manage any of that. If you can't? If you're taking care of others/working or going to school/doing anything else on top of being ill? You're a superhero. I hope you can get others to help take some of your duties for a bit, or to help you book a doctor's/therapist's appointment, or to at least listen and sympathize and send you cute animal pics or memes.

Other people who may appear to have their shit together may not. Many of them are going through big struggles of their own.

The pandemic & state of the world right now are making things much harder for so many people. My doctor (general practitioner) told me that nobody she's seen in the past year is doing that great mentally, and the number of people having acute mental health issues has skyrocketed. Be as kind and forgiving toward yourself as you can manage (in general, and even more so now).

Good luck. Hang in there as best you can. I'm rooting for you. 💗

(Feel free to reblog or to reply, but I may not have energy to respond to comments... responding is hard right now.)

#mental health #anxiety #depression #my stuff #toasty life #long post #50