#i am so unbelievably fucked in the head

[nosugarsweetener]

i have spent too long in denial. i am not the feminine girly girl i keep trying to be. no feminine girly girl continuously and viciously pines over the fact that she does not exude the same vibes as a rugged middle aged man that simply does not happen

#i am so unbelievably fucked in the head #because i want to be so dainty and feminine and little and seeing the number on the scale drop and my body get skinnier is so euphoric #and it’s not like i want to LOOK like a man #i simply want the vibes of one #i would cut off my left ring toe if it meant i could exude the same vibes as jon berenthal’s frank castle #or pedro pascal’s joel miller #i think this is a crisis true and proper

[sturnioloho]

#oh my fucking god #his aura is so fucking unbelievable sexy to me #this attitude right here is why i am a chris girl #cocky competitive motherfucker who wants what he wants and gets it easily #like he is THE fucking man #i have such a primal ass feral attraction to him #the man spread #i need to suck his dick so bad #proud gf celebratory head moment #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #sturniolo triplets

[p4nishers]

so uh. how is everyone?

#1 DAY!!!! 1 FUCKING DAY IM SO FINE I AM NORMAL I AM INFACT COOL AS A CUCUMBER I AM SO WELL MANAGED ACTUALLY #IM BEATING MY HEAD ON A BRICK WALL NO IM NOT OK TF U MEAN 1 DAY?????? ARE U CRAZY ARE U INSANE WHAT TF ARE U SAYING TO ME #SHUT UP IM THROWING UP #im so unbelievably unwell #good omens #good omens s2 #good omens season 2 #azicrow

[exhaustedwerewolf]

when the dnd session was so insane you’re like “damn I want to rewatch that bit” but you can’t because it was not an incredible fantasy film but just you playing make believe with your friends

#INSANE SCENES THIS EVENING #dialogue echoing in my head includes: ‘resurrection isn’t my strong suit’ // ‘then make it your strong suit’ #‘oh darling! don’t scare me like that. come here. let’s go home.’ // ‘what the fuck have you done?’ #‘(laughs) oh yes. I’m sure if all those people had just had a sword and a shield that things would have turned out differently. I’m being #lenient but my patience is running out. so spare me the insult of your sword. cunt.’ #‘ten million is a big number. it should feel different to one body in a cage or one hanging from the rafters but somehow it… it feels the #same.’ #genuinely stopped typing to do a despair event horizon stare into nothingness #our dm can cry on command lads and he was weaponising that today :’) #so many unbelievably fucked up things happened I cannot believe it and I am having a conspiracy theory board moment trying to make sense of #it #DnD #so many other moments I have written down but can’t remember verbatim but also WHY DIDN’T THEY ASK ME… IF I WANTED TO LEAVE #@CASUALAGRESOR IF YOU ARE READING THIS HOW DARE YOU I AM SO SAD

[zoroshonkingbazonkadonkas]

why did i decide to read the bad reviews of tfc.... pls i'll commit hate crimes

#making my head hurt #idk im probably being a major hypocrite by writing this post out but like be so for real #theres a review like 'this book was trying so hard to test my reading comprehension skills' i am very sad #to tell you #that perhaps u do not have reading comp skills u mindless buffoon #these books fucking flowed like WATER DOWN A STREAM #'as a writer myself' boy i sure hope no one is subjected to ur mindless writing #tw vent #im sorry for anyone reading these tags theyre so unbelievably bitchy and catty

[unexpectedbrickattack]

.

#chattin #nothing bad or spicy i just feel like peep peeping rn #📢🐀! #but there is talk of panic attacks and Bad Stims up ahead (not related to me dw) -> #i was thinking of autistic peppino bc i am planning out the vigilante comic in my head #and like the quick premise is that vigilante comes into the pizzeria and shoots a blank into the ceiling to get everyone to shut up #and quiet down so he can go ask for (demand really) to see peppino bc this fuckerhas a bounty FOR A REASON and hes here to find out why #bc u know; cowboy yeehaw shenanigans #only its like 5am and no one is there jdkdndjdndk he just saw the lights one and went BANGBANG #anyway peppino is in the back cowering bc someone came into his fucking shop and started shooting UNPROMPTED #and hes so fucking scared and unwilling to move and when he sees someone actually come through the back door he starts having a legitimate- #-panic attack and he starts doing the stimmy hands thing over his ducked head #and vigilante is like whoa whoa WHOA WHOA HOL UP WHATS HAPPENIN #like i dont think peppino has ‘happy stims’ he has ‘extremely self soothing’ stims #that include flapping but only if hes so unbelievably stressed that he cant think #or he has more violent ones like pulling at his hair and biting his hands #that on top of like a genuine panic attack where he cant breathe and he thinks his heart is stopping is 😵‍💫 #vigilante is like christ almighty what the fucks got you so damned spooked?? like he doesnt even think of the blank he shot #he assumed someone came in before him or something #and hes like oh shit wait thats mE I DID THAT I SCARED HIM #i am still planning it out but yes. autistic peppino is on my mind 😊 #in a more positive light hes very earnest; and good at his job bc cooking in an interest of his #and his responses in social situations are bizarre enough sometimes to wrap back around to endearing #also its an excuse to draw peppino looking very confused but happy and gustavo somewhere in the shot going- #‘the bad bitch i pulled in by being autistic’ #swag #ALSO THE TAG IS BACK so i guess i can doodle again heehee

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

i have normal feelings about him

#this is a lie im so unbelievably abnormal about him #expressing my feelings about him would get me killed #(by sheer embarrassment) #i need to have his face held in my hands immediately u do NOT understand #i need to be holding him !!! #i need to do THE sappiest shit to him #like i need to feed him bites of shortcake n shit. during a picnic. literally actually need to get a dollop of whipped cream on his nose #i need to hug him. and kiss him all over his face like super kiss attack #i need to pretend to steal his nose like u do with babies #its how i express my love #i need to pat his stupid little head and play with his hair and massage his scalp and rrryrggrgrgrgrgr #god why is this so much more embarrassing than admitting i want to fuck him god #saying u want him tied up & begging??? fine. bloody? go ahead #but GOD FORBID i want to give him a little massage and wash his back in the shower and ggrgdgdgegGEGRGRHRGRGRGR #i want to have breakfast with him :( #i can make decent pancakes :((( i swear :(((((( #i bet hed be such a little bitch /affectionate abt things but its okay i am nothing if not persistent. i think. probably #he will be taken care of if its the last thing i do amen #... #i blame the lack of a filter on the migraine #posting posting 💕

[dist4nt-shores]

OHH MY GOD ok so i was just thinking about my other mc for @infamous-if and was trying to think of another mirror-related name for her band because i really enjoyed the whole rebranding-but-not-quite vibe that my other one had (going from 'mirror in the creek' to 'broken mirror'), and i was like hmm what else is related to mirrors? or maybe broken mirrors?? and then i was like ooooh 'seven years of bad luck' could be a cool name!! because that's the superstition around broken mirrors!!!!!! yeah that sounds kind of badass!

and then.

then i realised.

seven years of bad luck. & my original mc's band is called 'broken mirror' when it used to be 'mirror in the creek'. but now that seven has left with a messy breakup and a huge falling out, the band has changed their name to 'broken mirror'. and what's associated with broken mirrors. is seven years of bad luck. *seven* years of bad luck. are you fucking kidding me.

#seven lawless they just can't escape u #me?? unintentionally creating the most unbelievably perfect poetic irony??????? apparently!!! #(am i using that word right?? i don’t know!) #the way they can never really leave their past behind the way they can't forget about seven because he'll always be hanging over their head #like this is so perfect #i know i thought of that but man i wish i thought of it originally because it's SO fucking dope. #infamous if #infamous oc #infamous mc #seven lawless #ANYWAYS PLEASE LET THIS FIND MY INFAMOUS PEOPLE BC I NEED SOMEONE TO SCREAM ABOUT THIS WITH ME

[jinglejanglemornings]

google search how do i stop missing her so much i can't breathe

#she's literally not all that. i am 100% out of her league. #i cannot stress how much this girl does not deserve to have me pining over her and missing her and crying about her months after the fact #my standards are SO low and she did not fucking meet bare fucking minimum #and yet i'm still like. she could call me and ask me to take her back and i'd do it in a heartbeat #anyway lol i had a dream about my ex girlfriend ibn which we were back together (and also both working at an aquarium?? idk) #and now i'm like. ugh. #also imagine asking out a kind loving girl who is head over heels in love with you and would do anything for you #treating her awfully and breaking her heart AND NOT EVEN GIVING BACK THE FUCKING BOOKS YOU BORROWED! #i'm just saying lol. i wish someone felt about me the way i feel about her #and i wish she wasn't so unbelievably fucking immature #and i wish i had better taste in women #and i wish i didn't still think about her alll the time #okay i'm done i swear i'm so done #talking to strangers on foreign phones

[singsweetmelodies]

k

#hellooooo 😍❤️ #i wanted to start by sending out the biggest ever virtual hugs to everyone who left me 99+ activity to come back to here lmao #that was definitely quite a way to log back onto tumblr this fine friday night 🤭👌 you'll make me smile and blush; guys. gosh #and in that vein!! EXTRA big hugs to everyone who's sent me an ask or a dm in the past week #i've seen them and read them and i appreciate them all SO MUCH 🥺❤️❤️ #and i will be replying as soon as i can/have caught up on some sleep (am running on 14hrs since monday night. fun times.) #anyways yes. I LOVE YOU ALL #that's the core of this #i am still on semi hiatus but i just needed to pop on and say that #❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰❤️‍🔥 #OH ALSO WHILE I'M SENDING A FIRE HEART AND THINKING OF FIRE #dragon riders au #GUYS 🥺🥺❤️❤️❤️ my heart... thank you so so much for the unbelievably kind words about it #and *also* an apology bcs i've finally had time to read it over as it's posted to AO3 and oh my fucking god #*head in hands* apparently AO3 formatter fucked up one of my sex scenes!! i'm so cross #but it's all fixed now AND i've added an extra little bit to my A/N so 🥺🥺👉👈 #<33333 #love you alllll #katie rambles #k

[glitterock]

screaming inside my own brain

#took the last 2 weeks off therapy bc i was so unbelievably busy #but now i have so much #i’ve just been feeling like a sack of shit this past week and just like #GAHHH such an afterthought like why am i everyone’s last choice #anyway now i have work and i’m trying not to cry on the subway #and i have 2 papers due friday i haven’t started #and work scheduled me 4 hours extra tuesday when i was supposed to b working on hw #and i just feel like literally everyone’s least favorite and so so irrelevant #like who the fuck would ever choose me over anyone else #like why would anyone ever want me #and like i’ll open up about this every once in a blue moon to ppl #and they’ll always be like ‘ur not my second choice!’ #but like i litetally can in my head list friends who are more important to them than me like of course i dont say it #but like jfc don’t lie to me #i just literally don’t belong anywhere #i just really need to fucking call down before work in 10 mins

[praseodykemium]

2:48 am 6 April 2024

tonight I ate a huge block of chocolate and I felt like killing myself. I'm not suicidal. My right thigh really aches where I sometimes cut it months ago. And now while writing, I feel like shitting myself because my stomach does this surrendering thing when I feel any strong emotions. I'm not even sure what emotion it is this time.

Sometimes I cry out of nowhere. The tears just come I am not in control of them. They are usually preceded by some screeching from me. I don't know why I do that either. I hurt my close ones doing that and I don't like it.

I don't have any friends I can talk to. Well I was talking to a friend in the evening (11pm) and the discussion kinda upset me (made me feel like a worthless creature who should cease from existence), and so I watched 6 episodes of Fleabag and related and laughed and felt a lot of things but mainly- "what am I doing with my life? Have I no ambition? I should be studying for an exam next year and not enjoying something" <— that (the last two sentences) was actually from the discussion with the friend.

She said we are all born equally smart. Some just work harder than others. And she compared me and meghna (who is ofcourse better than me despite me besting her in most of our school exams in 12th. She was a topper in 11th and I was not. I'm glad in a way that everyone remembers that. I really hated expectations. But yeah that kinda stung. It wasn't the main hit, far from it). She said that her parents and loads of other doctors work REAAALLY HARD and ARE PERRRRFECTLY HEALTHY (when I told her that over pressuring yourself with work is gonna bring a cerebral stroke and you'll die early and not get to enjoy any of your money and respect and freedom.)

SO THEN IN MY HEAD, MY STUPID MIND TWISTED THST SENTENCE AND MADE IT INTO "OH I CALLED YOUR BLUFF. YOURE JUST OVERREACTING. CEREBRAL STROKES ARE A MYTH BECAUSE OHHHHHH LOOK ST ME BOASTING MY SUPER FIT AND HEALTHY AND ALIVE PARENTS WHO WORK ALL DAY!!!!!" (I hope that everyone she thought of in that list of perfectly healthy and alive workaholics STAY HEALTHY AND WELL AND ALIVE. MAY SHE NEVER FIND OUT THAT BITTER BITTER BLOW THAT CHANGES YOUR PERCEPTION OF THE WORLD. MAY SHE NEVER LOSE HER PARENTS YOUNG. GOD BLESS EVERYONE SHE THOUGHT OF AND MORE 🛐)

BUT FUCK YOU VERSHA FOR SAYING THAT because unknowingly you touched a nerve I didn't even know I still had alive. FUCK ME. God I hate everything. I really relate to fleabag rn even though I have no qualifications other than my dad dying to feel relatable to her saying "I feel like crying. All the time."

Its been 3 years and I still haven't gotten over my drunk brother (cousin) molesting me at 15. Because we were really close at a point in time (YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP). AND I TRUSTED HIM MORE THAN ANYONE. I AM STILL NOT OVER IT.

i feel I was hypersexual from as long as I can remember. I had this repeating dream-vision-imagination thing that I am in a hospital lying with my lower body uncovered naked and the doctor calling in my super older than me ( when I was 15 he was 23 or something and the younger one was probably 21) cousin brothers— to come and stare at my genitals. I have had this dream thingy since as long as I can remember. It was often repeating in my head. I do not know why. I was assaulted YEARS later by the both of them on multiple separate occasions but that foreshadowing was thoroughly confusing and unasked for and really fucked up my childhood.

I have been masturbating since as long as I can remember as well. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I'm terrified of men. And I am terrified of being penetrated. I would rather die a virgin honestly. But I'm also really fucking horny all the time. But I really really really do not want anybody to touch my naked body ever.

whenever somebody invades (accidentally or otherwise) my personal space, I have this passive surrendering feeling wash over me like a drug. Like I know that I hate it, I'm aware of me hating someone doing that but it's just that twisted horny part of me or something else maybe i don't know that forces me to remain stationary like a soldier called to attention. I let the intrusive hand finger thigh do whatever the fuck it wants to do and I stay completely still. It's not supposed to be this way. I'm a strong (not really), adult (19 in June this year), aware (vividly aware of articles and awareness videos, Wikipedia and RAIIN articles about every sexual assault terminology, their after effects, mental disorders, percentages, everything) woman with a brown belt in karate. I should do better than this. But my STUPID FUCKING TWISTED MINDED BODY REFUSES TO SEE REASON AND FOLLOW THROUGH WITH MOVING AWAY. SO YEAH FUCK ME I GUESS IM NOT GONNA GIVD CONSENT BUT I CAN JUST STAND HERE AND BE A REALLY GOOD WANKING MATERIAL FOR YOU.

I have to sleep it's 3:27 am now. And I really hate Martin (Claire's i.e. fleabag's sister's husband) from Fleabag.

I think fleabag's therapist scene brought this rant on. And my right thigh really fucking hurts.

#tw rant #a proper rant fucking finally #yeah I already feel vindictive and sleepy at the same time #see no matter WHAT happens— the discussion in my brain ALWAYS ends up with sexu-al as-sault #so yeah #tw sui ideation #tw self h4rm #tw sa vent #tw sa #tw sa mention #tw assault #tw inc*st #tw vent #fleabag #did I miss anything? #Oh yeah #tw parental death #tw academic competition #I think there should be a tw for that cause that is in a round-a-bout way what triggered this godforsaken rant #I've said everything lurking in my head for once in my life #I feel better #(P.s. also my period came unbelievably early.—> 2.5 weeks cycle #all because I did a bit of yoga and slight workout last night at 1 am #I think it's both a good and a bad thing in it's own ways #a bad thing because it's a statement for my declining reproductive health (not that I care much if I grow infertile #I'm not gonna give birth to anyone and I'm definitely against getting penetrated by anyone as well) #The good thing is that I won't (hopefully) have my period during the two upcoming trips to the Mountains with the family. #I really hate upsetting people esp my family members in any way and they do get upset when I scream like a desparate insane person at them. #ok one more then #tw infertility

[polaraffect]

why is interacting with people irl so frustrating fr. i need everyone to start just saying what they mean!!!

#damien.txt #haha it's the autism innit #fr though i am. so unbelievably frustrated with the people in my life rn. #they're deliberately obfuscating their schedules/plans to avoid hanging out with people and i need it to stop!!! #just say you don't want to hang out with me oh my god im fucking sick of thissss #also my friend group has gotten increasingly more cliquey and i am. not super happy about it /: i mean it happens but. god. #it's the end of this friend group i think. which like. was bound to happen + i knew it would but like... fuck #i don't have other friends so this puts me in a rough af position honestly. #guess that's on me for accidentally putting all my eggs into one basket #also i guess one thing that frustrates me the most in this is that the person heading this up is like. #the most moody fucking person i've ever met. god. #and he's being like 'we should just be spontaneous with the plans!' and like. bitch. you have never been spontaneous in your life. #what the fuck are you even talking about. stop it. #sooooooo yeah i am angry and yet there's nothing to be done about it except watch this whole thing crash and burn so. #that's fun. probably going to induce a lot of listening to fall out boy (which i am already doing lol) #emo phase revitalization as a coping mechanism for things going to shit haha #vent

[tgcg]

tell your loved ones

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:01 --

TG: hey im on the john

JOHN: hey, dave is taking a dump.

TG: taking a shit just so were clear

JADE: jeez!!!!!!! even when im not online i have to hear about it

TG: i know you care so youre first to know

JOHN: i'm just giving you a heads up for the bajillion messages you will definitely have about this when you get home.

EB: god, thank you. that is awesome. dave fans everywhere are gonna go NUTS for this truth nugget.

EB: hey, i am at the store with jade!

TG: tell her the news

EB: i did as soon as you first pinged me, don't worry.

TG: hell yeah see you just fucking get it

JADE: well tell him i say congrats!

EB: she says congrats.

EB: also that you left your "yeah! woo!" machine at her place.

EB: and that you are gross and smell like a dog took a dump on a fart even when you aren't crapping during our conversations.

TG: goddamn

EB: jk that last bit was me heheh. but she nodded!

EB: so anyways, a yeah woo machine?

EB: what the hell even IS that?

JADE: its more or less a machine that yeahs and woos

TG: its basically a machine that yeahs and woos

EB: ok, yeah, that is pretty much exactly what jade said too. apparently this is supposed to be obvious.

JADE: its pretty self explanatory!

TG: pretty self explanatory stuff

TG: anyways im gonna tell karkat this time i think im ready for that

EB: oh shit (LOL), that's a pretty big deal, right? good luck dude.

--

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:03 --

TG: ok karkat can i be unbelievably candid with you is dj crabapple ready for this

TG: this is a really big deal for me but like no pressure

CG: SHIT, IS EVERYTHING OK?

CG: DO I NEED TO COME OVER THERE.

TG: no no its good i just really need to confess something

CG: WHATEVER IT IS, TELL ME. I'M HERE.

TG: alright

TG: deep breath strider

--

TG: im dropping mad logs like bars in the ablution block vantas

TG: shit is on fire

TG: downright heretical like a shat outta hell

TG: and since im feeling penitent i figure our pesterlogs are pretty much akin to a confessional booth right

CG:

--

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:04 --

TT: Hey Dave.

TT: Are you, by any chance, taking a shit right now?

TG: damn word spreads fast on the information superhighway

TT: Yes, I have had the news forwarded to me via this bountiful virtual dimension of knowledge and culture we call the World Wide Web by a fellow enthusiast, one ectoBiologist.

TT: Frankly I'm heartbroken you didn't come to me about it first.

TT: Please, divulge to your loving sister the nature of your bowel movements, in exhaustive detail. Highlights in a notarized list, an overall ranking grade of your experience, whether you would recommend it to your friends, et cetera. These would be among my most pertinent avenues of inquiry.

TG: you were next on the mailing list rose im already on it

TG: boutta weave a verbal tapestry no holds barred just for you about my rambunctious foray down in brown town

TG: stay tubed

TT: Thank god. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't peruse your commodal follies like the morning gazette.

TG: dont act like this has educational value rose

TG: we all know my daily bullshit has got a laugh track

TG: like damn what kind of gazettes are you getting

TT: The best kind, Dave. Only the best kind.

TG: thanks for the vote of confidence

TG: wait gimme a sec karkat pinged

TT: Of course. I understand it's quite a big deal for you.

--

CG: OK.

CG: SINCE THIS APPARENTLY SKIRTS THE FRESHEST BUDS OF OUR BRO-DOM'S BURGEONING FROND NUB, I *ALSO* HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SHARE.

CG: I HOPE YOUR REFLECTIVE ABLUTION VAULT IS STOCKED WITH FUCKING RUMBLESPHERE TRANQUILIZERS, BECAUSE THIS EXCHANGE IS ABOUT TO GET SHITHIVE MAGGOTS.

CG: LISTEN CAREFULLY.

TG: whats up

--

CG: I AM ALSO ON THE LOAD GAPER RIGHT NOW.

TG: oh shiiit

CG: DON'T UNCLENCH YOUR EXPLOSIVE FUCKING SEED FLAP JUST YET, BECAUSE THERE'S *MORE*!

CG: I AM *ALSO* TAKING A CRAP.

TG: oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

CG: OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

#dave strider #karkat vantas #davekat #homestuck #john egbert #rose lalonde #jade harley #june egbert #j egbert #comix #tell your loved ones #idm if this isnt rly well written i just did it 2 make myself giggle

[iholdwhatican]

reunions

pairing: art donaldson x reader x patrick zweig

length: 3.8k

tags: y/n is art donaldson's wife ; birthday party ; surprise visit from patrick ; art is down bad ; patrick wants y/n ; possessive!art ; the boys are fighting ; no use of y/n ; pining ; sexual tension

summary: you want to make your husband's birthday special, so you invite his attractive, charming, estranged childhood best friend in the hopes that they'll make amends. surely nothing will go wrong, right?

author's note: i can't stop thinking about them i am so ill. this is the first of presumably many challengers works. and yes i did make a new blog just for this, don't judge me. this is a drabble that was stuck in my head but I do have more for it should it be wanted! preferably something that leaves you sandwiched in between them :3

originally posted by iholdwhatican

You told yourself this whole thing happened out of the goodness of your heart. You’d just wanted to be a good wife and make your husband’s birthday the best it could possibly be. Because Art Donaldson was the most amazing person you’d ever known, and he loved you, and he deserved the world. There was nothing off limits when it came to him, no line you wouldn’t cross. 

You knew how much Patrick had meant to him, how much he missed his best friend. Your cheeks hurt from how wide the stories made you smile, how happy he sounded when he recounted the things he’d gotten into with the eccentric tennis player. And you knew how sad Art was that they didn’t talk anymore. 

So what better time to remedy that than for his birthday? That was a wonderful surprise, right? Right?

Upon meeting Patrick Zweig, your first thought was how the hell this man got along so well with your Art. Not to say he was a bad person, but he was just so… much. He was cocky, indomitable, the kind of person that knew what he wanted and what he was worth and wouldn’t settle for anything less. He was a force not to be reckoned with, no matter what. He was also unbelievably charming (and not bad on the eyes, which you would never admit), and you hated the way his sweet-talking got under your skin. 

He asked you how Art was. You told him he was fine. Retired, now. Making the most of a quiet life. You’d just celebrated 3 years of married life. He asked to see wedding photos and you didn’t miss the sadness in his eyes at missing the event. You happily obliged. It was the most romantic day of your life, after all. 

And you couldn’t help but internally pat yourself on the back. Patrick missed him too. You could mend the broken bridge between them, and your husband would be thrilled. He’d reward you for your good work. 

You asked Patrick to come to Art’s party. To make contact again. To come back into his world. He only hesitated for a moment, asked if Art knew and was okay with it. 

The lie slipped off your tongue easily. Of course, he’s wanted this for a long time. It’s a surprise, but a most welcome one. You didn’t have details on what happened between them- only knew of a falling out while Art was in college- but it couldn’t be that bad. Anything could be overcome, right? 

Patrick accepted and you hoped the lump in your throat was from excitement and not dread. You thanked him for meeting you, told him you’d forward him the details, and went back to your husband. 

The day of the party came, and you were so nervous you could hardly take it. You’d spent the last couple of days working yourself into a frenzy, convinced that this reunion was a terrible idea and your husband would hate you. You had no right to bring an estranged friend back into his life, on his birthday no less. And without saying a word to him. 

God, what the hell was wrong with you? 

You gripped the edge of the kitchen counter and downed your third glass of water. It did nothing to soothe the dryness in your throat. Or the pounding of your heart. You wondered how fucked you’d be at the party if you took a Xanax right now. Or five. 

Just then, Art peeked his head into the kitchen, donning a sweet smile when he spotted you. He looked as handsome as ever, sporting a well-fitting polo shirt and khakis. His hair was growing out again, starting to show those boyish curls you’d fallen in love with all those years ago. He made his way over to you, wedding band sparkling on his finger, and your heart melted. 

You loved him so much. Had you ruined his birthday with your stupid meddling? Maybe even ruined your marriage? 

“Hey, beautiful.” He greeted, sliding a hand around your waist and kissing your head. It was a familiar gesture, a normal one. He loved touching you, keeping you close. You loved it just as much, “The cake was just delivered. You went way overboard, as usual.” 

You pretended you weren’t overcome with dread and cupped his cheek, “Shut up. There’s no such thing as overboard. You deserve this, okay? You deserve to be celebrated.” 

Please, please don’t be mad at me for inviting him. For bringing him into our world. Please still love me. I did it for you. I’d do anything for you.

His eyes crinkled as he smiled- in that perfect way you adored so much. He leaned down to kiss you again, this time on your lips. It was gentle and caring and everything you were to each other. It made you want to cry. Art was everything. All you wanted was to give him the same. 

The doorbell rang, breaking you two out of the moment, and your husband pulled away. He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“Well,” He spoke, looking at you like there was nothing else in the world, “That must be our first guest.” 

You hummed happily, “Guess it’s time to celebrate you, Birthday Boy. Shall we?” 

“We shall.” He teased, doing a mock bow as he offered you his hand. You took it, laughing, and the two of you made your way to the front door. 

You took a deep breath and tried not to focus on the unhappy way your stomach was churning. 

The first hour of the party went by with a pleasant lack of reunions-turned-altercations. Patrick had yet to show his face, and you wondered if he might not come at all. Part of you was relieved at the idea, while the other couldn’t help but be frustrated. 

He said he would come. What if the surprise didn’t end up being a bad thing? How would you know if he never showed? 

God, you needed a cigarette. 

You’d spent the entirety of the party so far glued to Art’s side, being his doting wife as you made conversation with everyone. Your eyes continued to stray to the door, looking for a certain dark-haired man. Every single time, you were disappointed. Disappointed, yes, but not surprised. From what you’d heard, Patrick wasn’t really someone who could be counted on a lot. 

Maybe this whole thing was just a big mistake. And maybe the part of you that truly felt let down at not getting to see him again was something you should never, never look into. 

You patted Art’s chest and stood on your tiptoes to whisper in his ear, “I’m gonna check on the food. I’ll be back.” 

He nodded, smiled, and pressed a kiss to your temple. His arm released its grip on you and he continued his conversation with an old Stanford buddy without missing a beat. He was fucking incredible. At everything. You were crazy about him. 

The food didn’t actually need to be checked on. The caterer was high-quality, and they knew better than to fuck up one of your events for your husband. You had full trust in them- you honestly just needed a breather. This whole night had felt like a cold fist clenched around your heart. 

Instead, you grabbed yourself a large glass of wine and made your way to the patio to enjoy some cool night air. 

The area was blessedly empty, allowing you to slip out of the hostess facade. You were more than happy to do it, especially when celebrating Art, but the circumstances tonight were making it much harder than usual. Which was, of course, entirely your own fault. Way to go, you! Knocked it out of the park tonight, didn’t you? 

You sighed, leaned against the railing, and took a long gulp of your drink. The weather was slightly chilly, and it felt amazing against your heated skin. Already, you were finding it easier to breathe. And think, for that matter. 

“Shouldn’t you be at the party, Mrs. Donaldson?” A familiar, spine-tingling voice spoke, breaking you out of your peaceful moment. 

You whirled around, eyes landing on Patrick fucking Zweig leaning against the wall of your house. A lit cigarette hung from his lips, his hands nonchalantly tucked into the pockets of his dark jeans. They went well with the button-up shirt he wore, a stark contrast from the shorts and hoodie he’d had on when you first met. He looked good- really good. Enough to make a pit grow in your stomach. 

“I thought you weren’t coming.” You blurted out, thankful that the darkness was shrouding your red face. His face was just barely illuminated by the orange glow of the cigarette, and you watched as he looked you up and down, “Also, how’d you get back here? I didn’t see you walk into the house.” 

Patrick kicked off the wall and walked over to you, pulling the cigarette out of his mouth. His curls fell over his forehead, and you found yourself fighting the urge to brush them out of the way- the same way you always did to Art. You swallowed deeply. What the hell was wrong with you? 

“I told you I’d come, didn’t I?” He responded matter-of-factly, blowing a puff of smoke into the air. The smell made you nostalgic. You and Art had made a pact years ago to quit together, but God did you miss it sometimes. You licked your lips and tried (and failed) not to stare, “I snuck in through the back. Thought it’d be less messy that way.” 

You had no idea how he’d been able to get back here, but you decided you weren’t gonna ask. It didn’t matter in the long run, anyway. Besides, he was probably right. You had no idea how Art was gonna react, and it was smart to have it happen in an isolated area. 

“Probably smart.” You muttered, taking another swig of the wine. The feeling of his eyes stayed on you, burning into your skin, but you didn’t meet his gaze. You didn’t want to think too hard on why. 

“He doesn’t know you reached out to me.” It wasn’t a question, but you responded to Patrick’s words regardless. He’d find out eventually. 

“No.” The admittance came out with a heavy breath, like you were releasing the weight that had been on you all night. In a way, you were. You ran a hand over your forehead, “I don’t know what happened between you two, he doesn’t talk about it. But I just- I’m terrified he’ll hate me for bringing you.” 

Why the hell were you pouring your heart out to this stranger? What was it about him that drew you in so much and made you want to bring down your walls? How was this charming man already under your skin from one damn meeting? And how the fuck were you supposed to explain any of this to your husband, his estranged best friend? 

You needed another drink. Or ten. 

“You really love him.” Again, not a question. But you answered. You had to. 

“More than anything else in this world.” 

Patrick offered you his half-smoked cigarette and you took it without thinking. The sting of the smoke in your lungs was like coming home. It was so good it almost made you cry. But lots of things made you want to cry right now. You could taste mint on the cigarette, like he’d been chewing gum before lighting up. The same kind Art always chewed. 

It made something flip in your stomach. 

“Well, from what I can tell, you’re pretty great. Super caring, based on how far you went in an attempt to make him happy. Shit, you tracked me down, which is a feat in itself. And you’re gorgeous, obviously. I’m surmising that you’re basically the whole package.” He spoke calmly, as if every one of those words didn’t make your heart jump into your throat. You chugged your drink to use it as an excuse for your rosy cheeks, “So I don’t think there’s any way he could hate you. Even for inviting me here.” 

You were speechless for five long seconds as he took the cigarette back and inhaled. Then you finally got your brain to stop lagging, “You don’t even know me.” 

“I know enough.” He countered, continuing the pass back and forth of the cigarette, “And I know Art. He wouldn’t marry someone beneath him. The fucker somehow always gets the ones way out of his league.” 

You didn’t comment, but you knew what Patrick was referring to. Tashi Duncan. The now pro-tennis player that he’d had a thing with back in the day. You didn’t know the details, but you knew she was a point of contention between the two men. 

Honestly, you tried not to think about Tashi. She was gorgeous, super talented, and an overall seemingly great person. Art had passed up on that for you, and it got to your head a lot. You wondered if he regretted it. Or at least wondered what his life could’ve been like. 

You didn’t think you were out of his league. In fact, you thought the opposite. Not that you needed to tell Patrick that. Your insecurity and jealousy issues could stay yours alone. 

“Well, I don’t know about that.” You murmured.

The cigarette began to dim as you took the last drag, flicking it off the balcony and down into the grass below. With both the alcohol and nicotine gone, you started to think you probably needed to get back to the party. Your husband would be looking for you, and you didn’t want to keep him waiting. You just had to figure out how Patrick would fit into the equation. 

“If you weren’t taken, I’d be trying to charm the fuck out of you right now.” 

The statement caught you completely off guard. You looked over at him, eyes wide, and tried to keep your cool at the sexy smirk on his face. God, he was so fucking attractive. 

You blinked once, twice, a third time, “What?” 

His smile grew at your flustered state, “I have great taste in women, and I’d flirt with you if I could. So I’m saying you’re definitely a catch. And totally out of Art’s league.” 

You licked your lips. Subconsciously, “I’m pretty sure that was flirting.” 

“Was it?” He didn’t even have the decency to look ashamed, “Oops.” 

You ran your finger over the rim of your wine glass, trying to think of something to say. You came up empty. You were married- to this man’s childhood best friend. To the love of your life. He shouldn’t be flirting with you. And you definitely shouldn’t be enjoying it. 

“There you are! I was starting to worry.” Art’s voice broke the tense silence, and you turned around to watch him making his way to you with a smile. Then he spotted Patrick and his smile dropped as his face filled with recognition, “You- what the hell are you doing here?” 

You opened your mouth to speak, to explain and mediate the situation, but the dark-haired man beat you to it. 

“Your pretty little wife invited me.” He said, which was probably the worst thing he probably could’ve chosen. You internally buried your face in your hands. 

Art’s jaw clenched and his eyes lit up. It took you a moment to realize that the expression was anger. Honestly, it took you by surprise. It was extremely rare to see him angry, and never was it directed at you. And though he was looking at Patrick, you were terrified that in this instance it was. 

“Let me explain.” You immediately choked out, clutching your empty wine glass like a lifeline, “I really just thought that-” 

“She thought you missed me and wanted us to reconnect. As a birthday surprise. Isn’t that sweet?” Patrick butted in, throwing an arm over your shoulders. Art looked ready to murder someone (probably the tennis player holding you), “I doubt it was easy contacting me, but she managed. All for you.” 

You laughed nervously, ducking your head, “Well, that’s not-” 

“Let go of her.” Art demanded. His voice was cold and dangerous. Possessive. It made something twitch in your core. Oh, you liked that. 

The brunette didn’t hesitate to do as he was told, holding his hands up in surrender, “My bad, man. I just feel like we’re already such close friends from hanging out together. Don’t you think so?” 

The last part was directed at you, and Patrick nudged you. You gave him an incredulous look. 

The charming, sweet man you’d just been talking to was gone. He was replaced by a cocky, near-disrespectful antagonist who was trying to egg your husband into some kind of altercation. And he was using you as the bait. 

You couldn’t lie that you were frustrated, but it did feel a bit nice to be in an almost tug-of-war between the two men. You liked being an object of affection or desire. 

“You should head inside, baby.” Art spoke to you, though his furious gaze never left Patrick, “Our guests will wonder where the hosts went. I’m gonna talk to Patrick for a minute.” 

You’d be damned if you told him no. Even though this situation felt like a mess that was definitely all your fault. Damn you for inviting Patrick. Damn him for being so captivating. And damn Art for loving you so much that the sight of another man touching you made him see red. This entire thing was like a whirlwind. 

“Okay…” You whispered, moving towards your husband and the house. You gave Patrick a small smile, hoping to convey your thoughts to him. Please don’t hurt him- he’s my world. Then you stopped at Art’s side and placed a hand on his bicep, “I’m sorry if this was a bad idea. I just wanted to make your birthday special, is all. I didn’t mean to fuck it up.” 

He finally looked at you, just long enough to give you a loving smile and a shake of his head, “You didn’t ruin anything. I’m so proud of you for doing all this for me. Don’t worry.” 

Then he kissed you, only to stop and pull away, “Is that- were you smoking with Patrick?” 

You sucked on your teeth and nodded, “Yes, a little. I’m sorry. I just-” 

But then he was kissing you again, hard and needy. Like he wanted to fuck you right then and there. Your face burned bright red, and you could feel Patrick’s eyes on the two of you. Art had never acted like this in all the time you knew him. But right now, within thirty seconds of being around his old friend, he was putting on a show to prove that you were his. 

You belonged to him. And he wanted Patrick to know it. 

You really, really fucking liked this. 

When he pulled away, you felt dizzy. From both the kiss and the wine you’d downed. You barely had time to take a breath before he was lightly patting your cheek and sending you inside. You managed to take a look at the two men before rejoining the party. They just stared at each other, like they were in a standoff. 

It was unbelievably hot. 

As you went back to your guests, lips still tingling, only one thought was coming to you. 

You wondered how long you could keep Patrick around, just to see what it would do to your precious husband. 

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[trashbaget]

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#me mooning over pictures of him: #in a sweet serene bubbly voice: #you fool! you buffoon! #you dont know how much i want to kiss you do you #you cannon fodder of a man i want to eat you whole and digest you for all my years #please shut up and kiss me on the mouth right the fuck now !!!!!! #i am going to ruin your life with my nonsense and silliness and horribly dramatic approach to problems #i want to hit you upside the head with a newspaper full of the soft and yearnful poems i write for you until you get it into your thick skul #you daft dumb dingus i love you #let me love you you great big oaf #me scowling at pictures of him: #growling i mean absolutely raging completely bonkers beserkly arguing with an inanimate face: #you gorgeous gorgeous human being #you absolutely unbelievably sexy bastard i need you to [redacted] and ***** ** y’hear??? #i want ypu to ruin my life you handsome devil #god i love you so fucking much #shut the hell your mouth but put it on mine first #i need you know how amazing and wonderful you make my life #you make me so unreasonably happy you beautiful motherfuck #i am smiling like an idiot right now goddamn grinning like a fool because YOU my friend are SO. FUCKING. GREAT. ???!? #.. #do you understand me? #he’s just some guy