#i cannot emphasize enough how much apologizing was part of healing myself and giving the chance to start over without baggage

[randomraytrash]

There is something weird in Nate character arc

I love Nate and I like his relationship with Jade. I root for his happiness, I was Nate x Happiness way before season two, because I really relate at many of the mental struggles he faces.

But let me make clear a thing:

Relationships don't fix mental illness.

A new partner will not fix all the problems in your life.

A good relationship can help you, can support you through difficult time, but it won't magically fix you. You need to act, change your behaviour and fix yourself, because nobody will do it for you.

Nate needs to own his fucking mess, he needs to see through Rupert schemes and put his foot down. Because blocking his mistakes (with Ted, especially Ted) like he did during this episode won't help him, avoidance can work only for a short period of time, then it comes back and bite you in the ass.

Because everybody is growing and changing but him (and no, getting a girlfriend is not synonymous of a redemption arc, nor a healing process, especially if all his confidence is still tight with "getting a girl" and without a girl to "show off" he's worthless, which wasn't disproved yet and no, don't spit at your self reflection one time, while never addressing the root cause is not enough). He's risking of getting stuck in the past, in his old mentality, in a fake confidence not internal but tied to an external person (Jade).

Fight forward, isn't it? Get out of that box and live the moment, every moment is worth living, because you are worth it, whatever you succeeded or failed, you deserve happiness in your life.

That's what I think we should stride for Nate's arc.

It's nice that Nate got a girlfriend (I enjoy them because they are such opposite character and energy), but it'll come crushing and burning down if he doesn't understand why he was able to ask her out. It matters that he found the courage to ask her out for a date, but he matters regardless, even without this accomplishment.

Nobody defined Nate if not Nate himself. And I think Jade can help him realize it, but the relationship with her is not a magic cure (and to be absolutely critical I think they will have many communication problem if they don't learn how properly work things out before a real relationship, since Jade is not really an extroverted person and Nate is an anxious mess ready to misinterpret every ambiguous body language, I know it because I'm the same).

Getting a girl is not the redemption arc, is not the finale, it's barely a consequence of the first step in becoming a better person. I believe (eh, Ted Lasso, isn't it?) Nate is fundamentally a good person, he's a brilliant tactician, funny and sensible, but he's also deeply insecure and he broke the trust, and leash out to people who (truly) loved and trust him and we can say all we want to explain his reasoning (his past bullying, his daddy problems, the miscommunication), but it doesn't chance the fact he was wrong, it's not a justification.

Nate matters with Rupert, and without him (a lot more without him). With Ted's or his father's approval or without. (And already had Ted's, like this episode he went to see him play with his son, Ted already, for the most part, forgive him. Ted doesn't have to accept his apology, but Ted Lasso is Ted Lasso and do what Ted Lasso can do best: treating people with compassion, so he will without a second thought the moment he'll see Nate sincerely regrets).

But Nate does need to do it, though, he's redemption arc is tied with this apology. Because they say hurt people hurt people, and it may be true, but it's also bullshit. Even if your struggle with mental health, you have no right to hurt others.

To do this apology thought Nate needs to grow, needs to build his confidence and self esteem for himself, because he's action were mostly a counteract to a perceive rejection, he is not what twitter says about him, or Jade, or Ted, or his father, or Rupert.

The belief that you matter, you know? Regardless of what I do or don't archive.

Ted is going to forgive him, of course he is.

#But let me be real with you real quick #if somebody I trust revealed my mental struggles to somebody else for a petty revenge for a perceived betrayal I didn't even done (while I #I would never NEVER talk to them again nor accept their apologizes. Fucking hell that shit makes my blood boil #I understand Nate but I despise what he did there #he was in wrong and there are no justification #he needs to apologize #I'm just rambling at this point but as somebody who mental struggle made do a lot of bad shit #i cannot emphasize enough how much apologizing was part of healing myself and giving the chance to start over without baggage #ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #nate shelley #Again it's an interpretation #Do not take this as an attack to his character more like a thought about calling getting a girl a redemption arc #I still root for him #And I shamelessly enjoy him on screen every time

[apenitentialprayer]

Lmao, I swear to God social media has emboldened some psychotic "Christians" way too much, making them think it's fine to spew crude words and insults around then pretend they're the good guys here.

Is this in reference to people calling that woman a whore and a slut and worse, or me calling those people in general dickhead and that one guy in particular a sanctimonious prick? In the case of the latter, well, I should probably apologize.

The thing about righteous anger... the anger tends to last long after the righteousness has been burned away by that anger. Everyone wants to be Jesus flipping tables in the Temple, but very few people have the purity of heart and moral caliber to do that. It's just another form of judgment, an usurpation of the role that belongs to God, but more insidious because you think you're championing a cause when you have no way of doing anything constructive. So maybe I should be sorry. I hope you'll pray that I will be, in that case.

But as for the general gist of what I wrote last night, I stand by that. If this woman is to be believed, and I don't see why I should be super skeptical, she is someone who sinned three years ago without any suspicion. She could have left it be, buried in the past. And instead, after three years, she made the first move towards repentance. And she was punished for it. And if we're going to punish people who come forward to repent, even of those whose sins are odious (surprise, surprise; what else is repentance for, if not for those things?), then we're creating an environment that encourages people not to confess.

Nancy Eisland wrote, In Christian tradition, the acknowledgment of sin is not a shameful thing; rather, it opens a space for the inflowing of grace and acceptance. And, looking at last night, boy, we really failed at that, haven't we? We're giving out Ls and calling people whores. Because it's much more fun to flip tables over than it is to take pleasure not in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. That's a sin we're all personally guilty of, myself included.

There's a book called The Divine Pity, by a Dominican priest named Gerald Vann. And I'm hearing these condemnations, this unpitying "she got what she deserved" attitude, and I can't help but think of a particular passage in that book;

For pity is indeed the corollary of humility and penance: you can no longer, if you have learnt the sense of sin, speak of your brother with arrogance as a sinner. We are each responsible for all. You will not say, when you see some sort of evil done, "There but for the grace of God go I"; you will say "There go I." You will not say "How these are hurting the heart of Christ," but "How I in these are hurting the heart of Christ." For you will know yourself implicated, responsible; and there will be shame and sorrow in your pity because you have not done more to avert evil, have not perhaps even prayed for those who are the immediate cause of the evil. But you will hardly think in terms of praying for sinners: you will think of praying for others, and especially if praying for your sin in others: these, you will say, have gone astray and perhaps are at war with the Good, but why has not power gone forth from me to help to heal them, as it went forth from Him who has sent me to be a bearer of His power? These are searching for God, and are miserable because they cannot find Him, and have I even prayed that they may find Him?

(p. 129, bolded emphases added)

I am personally guilty of unwittingly shaming and humiliating and hurting an adulterer, an adulterer who I care very deeply about, because I refused to see adulterers as people I could love, people deserving of my pity. And I was a fool, because I couldn't even imagine an adulterer in the abstract and say "There but for the grace of God go I." And even that's not enough. Because I have fallen short of the glory of God, I even now poison the Body of Christ that I am a part of with my own failings, and so I must look at my sister-in-Christ and say There go I. And if that's distasteful to me, and it is, then it's a moral failure on my part, a failure to imitate my Lord who for our sakes made Himself a curse, who became sin.

#asks #Christianity #Catholicism #sin #pity #The Divine Pity #anger #wrath #judgment

[swimmingseafish]

Sanderstale Prequel: Jen

So, this is a Sanderstale prequel fic that I wrote in literally one day. It’s somewhat OC-focused, but I’m pretty proud of it, so I’m posting it here too.

tagged: @hideyseek @ironwoman359 @shrimpangie

summary: The journal of the second heir to the human throne, before the human-monster war. Could also be described as the personal accounts of Princen Cal of Medeis, featuring their family and monster friends and one particularly violent Entity.

CW: violence (mentioned at least), several implied deaths, possession, and an almost-drowning (but very vague). 

(Please let me know if I need to tag anything else for this fic. I don’t think I’m leaving anything out, but I’m not positive.)

Read it on ao3!

Entry 1

(I have a strange urge to write this like a letter, and no one’s going to read this anyways, so they won’t care if I’m a dork.)

Hi, book of blank lined pages.

Father says I should keep a journal and write an entry once a week. He thinks it’ll help me prepare to help rule the kingdom one day. Or at least, I suppose, to deal with paperwork.

I mean, I guess it isn’t a bad idea. We’ll see how this goes.

It was nice to meet you.

- Cal

Entry 2

Greetings, still-mostly-blank journal.

People write important events down in journals, right? I think that’s how it works.

Well, I had my naming day this week! I’d been SO looking forward to turning eighteen. I finally got to stand in front of the kingdom and introduce myself to the world as Calyx, they/them, second heir to the throne of Medeis. Immy was very proud of her little sibling (me).

Prince Emile of Bellua was there, too, out of royal formality and respect. His naming day was a few months ago. I still don’t know him very well, but he seems nice, and so do his parents, which is good. Eventually, Immy and I will have to negotiate with him on things like borders and taxes, so we better at least kind of get along.

Hey, you know what? Since it’s my naming day and I insist on writing these like letters, I might as well name you, too. How about Jen?

(So, I like alliteration. Sue me.)

See you next week,

Cal

Entry 3

Dear Jen,

Mother and Father have been particularly stressed this week.

We’ve been working with Bellua to build and maintain a reservoir on the Regio, which is the largest river in the area and also happens to be the border between our two kingdoms. But the negotiation of exactly where to put the dam has been an absolute nightmare.

Why can’t we just put it by Lake Aureus? That makes the most sense. It’s basically a reservoir on its own already—just dam the river and add supporting structures to make the lake deeper. And that lake’s relatively empty of life for some reason, even though the water’s clean, so we wouldn’t be encroaching on protected species or monster homes.

But no one asked me, so.

Actually, hold on a second. I’m going to try something.

***

Back two hours later to say that Immy absolutely loved my idea and will be pitching it to our parents tomorrow morning. Huh. Maybe I should speak up more.

Good night, Jen.

- Cal

Entry 4

Dear Jen,

I’m no longer sure if speaking up was a good idea or not.

It’s managed to convince Immy and my parents that it’s time for me to handle a project on my own. Which should be a good thing! And I’m happy that they consider me responsible enough for that! It’s just that the project in question happens to be this infernal DAM. It’s fascinating, but the paperwork and scheduling and negotiations for workers and who does what when are absolutely EXCRUCIATING.

Also, I’ve spent nearly every day this week with Diana, the royal architect, which, again, SHOULD have been fine, if we hadn’t gotten into an argument five years ago with her daughter that led to us completely cutting off communication. Diana would not stop talking about Daisy.

“Yes, your highness, I agree that we should add more supports on that side. By the way, have you considered asking my daughter to help? She’s becoming quite a skilled architect herself.”

“It’s such a shame that you and Daisy don’t talk anymore, your highness.”

“Daisy actually came up with this particular design. Isn’t she doing such a good job?”

“Did you hear

I was going to keep writing out things that she said, but I got frustrated, so nope.

I like Diana, but I had good reason to stop talking to Daisy. So, also a big nope on talking to her.

I wish just one thing in my life was straightforward. Wait, no, definitely not. Nothing about me is straight.

***

I just laughed for a good five minutes over a pun I’ve made a billion times. I’m definitely exhausted. I need to at least try to get some sleep.

Night, Jen.

- Cal

Entry 5

Dear Jen,

Sorry, I know it’s been a month since I’ve last written, but I’ve gotten so much done!

Diana and I completed the plans for the Vis Dam three weeks ago, and it’s been under construction ever since. I’m due to go and supervise the end of construction in a few days.

I’m, quite frankly, a little nervous. I’ve put so much time and effort into this project, and it actually seems like it’s paying off.

As long as it’s not like the Cat Herding Incident of 1845, I think we’ll be good.

I’ll update this more once I can finally say the project’s complete.

- Cal

Entry 6

Dear Jen,

So! Things have happened. The Vis Dam is finished, thank goodness, but that didn’t quite go as planned.

Let me break this down for you:

I, in my ridiculous ceremonial robes, arrive at the dam. Prince Emile’s there, along with several other monster nobles that I don’t know and a host of human and monster workers.

I make small talk with Emile for the next hour or so until the dam’s officially complete. I learn that he really likes tea and that we both enjoyed this one children’s book series about space gem people. He is incredibly pleased to learn that I’d read it and that I am actually willing to listen to him talk about it. (People need to give this guy a place to nerd out more often, clearly.)

Both Diana and Daisy are there. I say hi to Diana and then proceed to ignore them as politely as possible.

It’s time for me to dedicate the dam, and I make my speech from the second-floor platform, just underneath the area that would vent water. It should be noted, and it cannot be emphasized enough, that this was not my idea. I would have been fine giving my speech from the top of the dam. But Diana decided, along with my parents, that it would be better to give a speech about the two kingdoms getting along if everyone was on the same level, literally. So, she added in a large, retractable platform lower on the structure. Why it was beneath the water vents, I have no idea. It might just be because that was in the center. Regardless, that’s beside the point.

Everyone else stands around me, while I stand with my back to the dam. It should be noted that the water vents were supposed to be OFF.

I finish my dedication of the dam to peace and harmony between humans and monsters, and everyone starts applauding. The vent directly above my head, determined to ruin my day, opens, blasting me and a dozen other assorted monsters and humans off of the dam and into the reservoir below.

This was not a short fall, by the way. It was a good 200 feet down at least. The only reason we didn’t all die was that someone caught us with blue magic just before we hit the water, holding us still for a brief second and then letting us drop 2 feet instead.

I, also, am terrible at swimming. We—Immy and I—had to take classes as children, but we only ever had to get good enough to be able to survive. Immy’s a swimming champion. I can tread water for five minutes. I was not (and am not) equipped to survive in a raging river.

Fortunately, just as I was about to go under for good, I felt my SOUL turn blue again. I was forcibly yanked from the water so hard that I flew over the water and smacked into my very furry rescuer. He felt so guilty that he couldn’t stop apologizing, despite the fact that he’d saved my life and he had no reason to feel sorry (as I promptly told him).

Turns out, his name was Patton, and he’d been practicing his blue magic by working on the dam—moving parts into place alongside the other workers. His specialty is healing magic, but his parents both served in high positions in the Belluan military, so they had insisted he learn more combative magic as well. He’d done great with fire magic, he told me, but the specific SOUL magic types had proven more difficult, hence the practice.

Right then, Emile, who’d apparently escaped being thrown off the platform by the waterfall of death, ran over, asking if I was okay. I quickly assured him that I was and that he didn’t need to worry, though it was appreciated.

And then:

“Oh! Prince Emile Dreemurr, meet Patton Hart. He saved my life.”

“Ah, n-nice to meet you, Patton.” Emile’s cheeks turned bright red as he dipped his head to Patton.

“It’s nice to meet you too, your highness!” Patton said, bowing and then bouncing back up. He glanced at me, still soaking wet, and then at Emile, standing there in pristine royal robes. “I see you’re not a go with the flow kind of prince.”

All three of us immediately burst out laughing, but Emile couldn’t stop staring at Patton the whole time. Prince Emile, who I’d officially decided was my friend now, clearly had a GIANT crush on the boy who saved my life.

I went home after talking to both of them for a little while longer—and after getting a towel. My robes were soaked. I think I’m going to need new ones; I don’t trust that velvet to last after that much exposure to dubious-quality water.

Patton, Emile, and I are planning on meeting up next week. I’m determined to play matchmaker. Also, they both seem like amazing people, and I haven’t had a close friend outside of Immy in years. (Don’t be offended, Jen—I’m counting humans and monsters, not journals).

Wow, this entry got long. I’ll be back sometime soon. It’s after midnight and I have to debrief Mother and Father tomorrow on this whole fiasco.

But overall, a successful day, don’t you think?

Night!

- Cal

Entry 7

Dear Jen,

I love these two.

First of all, there was an absolutely GOLD moment that I have to share.

We all met up at my home, the castle in Medeis, since neither Emile nor Patton regularly made trips to the human kingdom, so I figured it’d be fun for them. Patton got there first, and we were sitting in what is best described as the living room and chatting.

Emile, arriving next, didn’t know that Patton was there already, and for reasons unknown decided to open the door while making what were arguably the strangest noises I have ever heard in my life. It was like he was trying to be an entire orchestra introducing the beginning of a children’s play but could only generate notes via his own voice and using the vowel “da” at various pitches and intensities.

I actually didn’t even know it was him at first, to be honest, until he stopped, popped his head around the door frame, and instantly turned bright red upon seeing both me and Patton.

Does he just enter every room that way? Is that something he reserves for friends? Not the blushing thing, but the singing thing. I didn’t ask because he was already embarrassed, but now I REALLY want to know.

Second, on a more general level, things I learned from this experience:

1. Patton probably has a crush on Emile too, based on the evidence of my own eyes. (No, Jen, I refuse to elaborate. That would take up at LEAST all the rest of your pages.)

2. Patton will make puns endlessly unless he is stopped. (And Emile will definitely not stop him ever.)

3. Emile will reference various fantasy books endlessly and cannot be stopped. (This is not a bad thing. He clearly loves them.)

4. Patton, despite being the only one out of the three of us that isn’t an heir to a throne (and the youngest by a couple weeks), has the best head for leadership and politics.

5. All three of us care too much, apparently, and have been told so several times by our family and friends, especially Emile. He says not to hold it against his parents, though.

6. Patton’s a pacifist and refuses to fight anyone in a real battle, though he is trained for it. Luckily, there aren’t really any real battles he’d need to fight in. We’re lucky enough to live in a remarkably peaceful time.

7. Emile is simultaneously stronger and weaker than you’d think. He’s built, with broad shoulders and muscles clearly built up from years of training. But we practiced fighting together, and he’s the most skilled at magical attacks. His trident is really something else. I’m a skilled martial artist, but I’m not a mage, so I can only beat him about half the time.

8. Emile is trying to grow a beard with only VERY limited success. I asked him why he bothers when he already has more than enough hair, and he bopped me (very lightly!) on the head with his trident.

9. I laugh a whole lot more around Emile and Patton than I normally do.

The only other person I’ve been this close to was Daisy, but she broke my heart at age thirteen and I have no desire to revisit that experience. (Maybe the fact that I’m still stuck on it five years later is an issue. There really should be like…mind doctors or something to help with things like that.)

But anyways, I’m not in love with either of them, for sure. Though Immy would get a kick out of it if I fell in love with Emile—she’d say I managed to arrange my own marriage.

I do love them as friends, though, even though we haven’t spent too much time together. I think I get attached quick.

Hopefully we’ll get to do this again a lot in the future.

I’m not sure how much time I’ll have to write in the next few months. Harvest season’s coming up, and I still have to do maintenance on the dam. But I’m dedicated to this now, even though I think my dad’s forgotten he suggested it. Don’t worry, Jen. I won’t abandon you.

Have a good few months,

Cal

Entry 8

Hey, Jen. It’s been a while, huh?

I had a feeling it was going to be hard to keep this up consistently.

Anyways, I’m nineteen now, so there’s that! And yes, past me, you did get to hang out with Patton and Emile much more, don’t worry—I’m now confident in calling them my best friends. And they’re still dancing around each other like the goofballs they are. (To be fair, they’ve had more pressing concerns recently.) Even Emile’s little sister, Princess Linda, needles him about Patton constantly. That’s a good sister right there, and I say this with the full knowledge that I would hate it if Immy did this to me.

I also got to meet Patton’s friend Camden, a tortoise monster, and Camden’s little brother Gerson, who is the most optimistic child (and potentially person) on the face of the planet. Camden wants to be a professional photographer someday, and his work is excellent. He’s hilarious and laughs at pretty much any badly planned joke, which I’m starting to think is a prerequisite for being Patton’s friend.

And Gerson—I still cannot get over him. He’s seven years old and knows so much about the world and current events, but he never lets it affect him negatively. He always looks at the bright side. A monster kid like that, even if he’s not a boss monster, is going to live for centuries.

Oh yeah, current events. I guess I should put that in here too. God knows I need to talk to someone about it.

Tensions between humans and monsters are on the rise and have been pretty consistently for the past year. I didn’t know until three months ago when a skirmish broke out on the border—right by the Vis Dam, in fact. Three humans were grievously injured, and one was killed, but five monsters in total were turned to dust.

Immy and my parents had been trying to handle it quietly with Emile and his parents, but there have been an increasing number of humans terrified of monsters in recent years.

Someone—a palace worker named Silenda—went through the records from the long-ago battles between humans and monsters. She found out that monsters could absorb human SOULs while humans couldn’t absorb monster ones, and she told her brother, who unfortunately was both unable to keep his mouth shut and worked for a very popular newspaper. The information spread quickly, and there are some in our kingdom who have used it to stir up fear.

I actually was a little hurt that my parents didn’t trust me or Immy with this information. And that once they did let us know, they only told Immy. She had to tell me. But I do understand. She’s the Crown Princess. She’ll be queen one day.

But I’ll be her advisor and strongest supporter. Shouldn’t I know, too?

Ugh. I’m still bitter about this and it’s not remotely the point.

The point is that we’re starting to see skirmishes on the border, and neither ruling party wants that. But both countries have so far been unable to stop the fighting. The small factions are operating independently of the leadership.

We might have to call in the military to calm down the situation if it gets any worse, and I can’t see that going remotely well.

I said at the beginning of this entry that I’ve still been seeing Patton and Emile. And I have. But it’s gotten a lot less frequent over the last three months.

Patton’s been working with the medical corps of the Belluan military and volunteering on the “front lines” of the skirmishes, healing whoever he can. Camden’s out there with him, documenting everything for posterity. Gerson mostly stays home, but Camden’s had to bring him once or twice.

Emile’s doing his best as Crown Prince, but it’s been hard on him. He doesn’t hold much power on his own yet, and he feels like if his parents can’t do anything, what could he possibly do?

I’ve been reaching out diplomatically to the leaders of the small factions as best I can to try to get them to stop. Silenda’s been helping me; she’s a surprisingly fast writer, and incredibly brave and strong and a true believer in justice. She also blames herself for everything that’s been going on.

I’ve told her repeatedly that I, at least, don’t blame her, which is true, I don’t. I blame her brother, a little, and the newspaper some, but mostly I blame the people who decided that the only answer to being scared is to kill.

Why did I have to jinx everything by writing that we live in peaceful times?

I wish I could have a conversation about this with someone besides you, Jen, but everyone’s just so busy and overwhelmed and stressed. All I can do with them is endlessly throw solutions around and have none of them work out. At least I can get my thoughts out this way.

Until next time.

- Cal

[On the next three pages, several entries were started and then scratched out.]

Entry 9

Jen—

I turned twenty, and I think I might be losing my mind.

We tried military intervention. It didn’t work. Our soldiers, instead of holding the monsters back and protecting our own citizens, decided to go rogue and wipe out the entire monster battalion.

Bellua and its rulers were rightfully devastated and furious, and they were about to declare war on us.

My parents, Immy, me, and several other councilors held a meeting in the throne room to determine our best course of action. Eventually, they got around to asking my opinion.

I opened my mouth to suggest literally anything other than war. Reparations, peace talks, giving up territory. My best friends were monsters and I had—and still have—absolutely no desire to fight or kill them or their families.

But then I felt like my body was taken over by a stranger. I couldn’t control my movements or my voice. I watched, a horrified passenger in my body, as my voice made a persuasive argument for declaring war before Bellua could.

And they listened.

My parents. My sister. All the councilors.

They listened.

And they declared war.

What’s wrong with me?

I couldn’t—didn’t—say those things.

I love my friends so much that it feels like I have a star living in my chest.

Sil almost slapped me when she found out what I’d done. Instead, she quietly gathered her things and left, tears running down her face. I love her too, and I’ve never told her.

And I might have just lost all of them.

Who do I go to for help? Who would believe me? Even if they did, what could they do?

What the hell is going on, Jen?

Entry 10

It happens nearly every day now.

The Entity—that’s what I’ve chosen to call it—comes for me in the morning. I go through my routine mechanically, or, at least, my body does. Then the Entity and I join the royal council to make plans and move troops.

I’m a general now. Me. All I thought I would ever do was help Immy and run paperwork. And maybe build more dams.

I fight on the field, too. The Entity favors lightweight javelins and shatters SOUL after SOUL with them.

I think dust is permanently stuck to my boots.

I can’t make it stop.

Entry 11

Immy’s worried about me. But she’s all for the war now. And the Entity exerts control even when it’s not speaking for me. I can’t take its words back, so I can’t tell her what’s wrong.

Patton’s worried about me. He’s tried to send me messages using the little spiders that serve the matriarch of the Spider Clans. The Entity won’t let me write back or even read them, and it hurts every single time. The most I’ve managed to do is protect the spiders. The Entity wanted to squish them.

I don’t know if Emile’s worried about me or if he even cares. I’ve seen him leading charges on the battlefield, too. I don’t know if he’s seen me, but I hope not.

I haven’t heard from Sil. The Entity won’t let me reach out to her, either. But I thought I saw her next to Emile, once. I hope she’s safe, or as safe as anyone can be in this broken world.

Entry 12

I caught my reflection in the mirror today when the Entity was in control. They turn my eyes this weird pale red color. It’s not even pink. They just dull my eyes.

Appropriate, I guess.

I’m twenty-one today, for whatever it’s worth.

Entry 13

The Entity can control time.

Today, I managed to break free of their control for a split second and shatter a bottle of squid ink on a table filled with valuable intelligence. I could sense how angry they were. And, of course, how angry everyone else was. Immy just about took my head off.

But then I felt a warm sensation in my chest, blinked, and somehow it was 7 AM that morning again. I saw a flicker of bright golden light for just a second before the Entity, still irritated, quickly ran through my morning tasks again and headed back to the throne room. They kept me on a tighter leash this time, and I didn’t have another chance to break free.

How did they do that?

More importantly, if they’re controlling MY body, is that something THEY can do or something I can do? Because if I’m the one who can do that…

I need to conduct some research.

Entry 14

I’m exhausted. I’ve been doing most of my research at night. The Entity has far less control at night.

I still try to stay awake all day, though. I need to keep tabs on what they’re doing with my body.

Hence why my brain is dead right now. But I need to catalog what I’ve found.

My SOUL is red. I’ve known this since I was a small child. SOUL colors are logged at age five, as soon as it’s definitely safe enough to enter into the sort of magical connection necessary for a SOUL to appear on someone’s chest.

No one else in my family has a red SOUL. Immy’s is purple, Mother’s is dark blue, and Father’s is green. (Sil, though not my family, has a yellow SOUL.)

I’ve never met anyone else, as far as I know, with a red SOUL. That’s what started me on the track of thinking that SOUL colors might be important.

According to the old texts I found in the library, all the other SOUL colors are thought to be linked to personality traits or convictions. Light blue is patience, orange is bravery, dark blue is integrity, purple is perseverance, green is kindness, and yellow is justice. But red is never labeled, not in any of the texts I looked at.

Finally, at the very back of the library, just as the sun was coming up, I found a book so old and covered in dust that I was worried I wouldn’t be able to read it before it fell apart.

That book said that red SOULs store immense power, but they’re not linked to any specific trait. Red SOULs are said to be blank slates. People used to be afraid of them, apparently, because they feared they could be possessed by demons.

Well, if the Entity isn’t a demon, I don’t know what the fuck it is.

The part I still don’t get is the “immense power” line. The only humans who can use magic are mages. I’m not a mage. I know I’m not a mage. We’re tested for that as kids.

But I’ve never tried to see if I could control time because as far as I knew, that was impossible, and it’s a little late to learn.

And there’s always the chance that this could in fact be the Entity’s power, not mine, and I’m going on a wild goose chase in the middle of a war.

I don’t have much else to do, though, do I, Jen?

[The next pages are filled with tally marks and scribbled notes in various different pencils and markers. There are drawings of SOULs on several of the pages, and spilled candle wax and dried tears adorn a few as well.]

Entry 15

Well, I still can’t make those glowing time-points. But I do actually have a surprising amount of stored magic. It was just sitting in the center of my SOUL. I would never have figured out how to access it if it weren’t for the Entity.

I’ve seen and felt them reset a couple more times since that first day, usually when they say something that they consider less than optimal. They’ll just reset and repeat that moment over and over again until it meets whatever the fuck their standards are.

We’re four years into the war, now. I skipped noting a couple of birthdays in there, somewhere, but I’m twenty-four now. Twenty-four, and there’s still a demon living in my head, forcing me to kill.

Emile’s parents were assassinated last year. Not by me, but the Entity supported it. My parents are still alive, but I’m not sure how long that will last, giving the blood-and-dust nature of the world right now.

I know Sil’s one of Emile’s top tacticians now, thanks to the intelligence the Entity has gathered. I’ve seen Camden’s war photography, including a photo of Gerson, much taller than he used to be but still just a kid, standing out in front of their home with a giant hammer in his arms. Patton’s still working on the front lines, healing as many people as he can. He still refuses to fight. I admire him so much for being able to make that choice and stick to it. I wish my hands were still clean.

Linda’s serving under Emile now, too, but as a soldier. She’s far too young for this.

Maybe we’re all too young for this.

Immy scares me the most. She still supports the war, but more out of fear than anything else. She sounds like those fearmongering men from so long ago.

She makes me wonder if the war is even the Entity’s fault.

Maybe it would have happened anyway.

Entry 16

I found my power.

But I don’t control time—or at least, I don’t know how.

I erase memories.

The Entity stayed down in the dungeons—that’s another thing we never used to have, or at least use, here, really. But anyways, the Entity stayed down in the dungeons for too long, and night fell. So, I had a little bit more control than usual.

I reached out with just a little bit of my magic and tried to make one of those glowing stars that allow the Entity to reset. Instead, one of the prisoners cried out.

“Where am I? What happened?” They looked around wildly. “Wait…WHO am I?!”

That absolutely wasn’t what I meant to do. And I couldn’t figure out how to bring the memories back. It looks like, when I erase memories, they’re gone for good.

But I needed to figure this out. I tested my power on one more prisoner and figured out that I can erase only specific memories if I try hard enough.

Writing this out, I’m shocked at myself. I’m experimenting on people. And I don’t even feel that bad about it.

What’s wrong with me? I’m so numb to suffering at this point. I’m numb to the world.

I miss Patton, Emile, Camden, and Gerson…and Sil. But they’re better off without me.

I don’t know what I can do with this power. I’ll keep fighting the Entity. Maybe I can break free. Maybe that’ll be enough.

What else can I erase?

[There’s an interval of at least twenty blank, crisp pages.]

Entry 17

It’s almost over. After five years, it’s almost over.

I managed to free myself from the Entity for now. I won’t say how because I don’t have time, but they’re not happy.

Medeis won, if you can call it that. Sil, as the monster ambassador, and I managed to get Immy to agree to seal the monsters underground rather than exterminate them. The war’s done a number on us all.

Sil still hates me. She doesn’t understand. She can’t. She never will. Neither will any of them. They’ll all hate me forever.

Sil has teamed up with a group of other mages to create the Barrier. With me, that makes seven.

The Entity doesn’t like this. They want to kill all the monsters.

I won’t let that happen.

Camden’s dead. Linda’s dead. My parents are dead. Immy, Gerson, Patton, and Emile are still alive, and so are thousands of others. You don’t get to take them too, do you hear me, you absolute sack of shit?

You think this is a game.

You think that what you do doesn’t matter.

It matters to me. It matters to Immy, and Sil, and everyone else in my world.

After we seal the monsters underground, I’m going to erase you from this world. I’ll erase you, and I’ll erase the memory of monsters and magic ever existing from the minds of every human on this planet.

I’ll almost certainly die in the process, but I don’t care. They’ll have a future, and the monsters will be safe from you and the humans like you.

There’s no future for me anymore.

You’ll have no host and no memory of your purpose or identity. You’ll be gone for good.

They’ll be safe. They’ll be safe. They’ll be safe.

I love you. All of you. More than words could ever say.

Goodbye.

- Princen Calyx of Medeis

#sanderstale #my writing #sanderstale prequel

[wereachingthesummit-blog]

Emotional Hygiene

Speaking of blooming I have thus since come to the realization when we take this bold step to move forward in light of authenticity we also have to be willing to embrace the pain that comes with it, persecution of others failing to understand our ways, acknowledge our differences. The inert understanding that we are one allows one to practice what I will refer in this chapter as emotional hygeine. Emotional hygeine is understanding the difference between our feelings and being able to distinguish the difference between how we feel and how others feel. You see when we begin to see the errors of our ways we are apologetic to the other and can live in harmony with the other because we give ourselves an opportunity to apologize to the other of our mis-steps. Emotional hygeine is not simply seeing the errors of our ways, but also reconciling our minds and others with the fact that we see the mis-steps of our ways. In my journey towards authenticity I have often realized we fail to acknowledge our feelings to ourselves and towards others and this causes conflict internally and externally within our personal and shared space so for us to be able to live free we have to allow our feelings to permeate through the fiber of our being with that we can know and be at peace with ourselves. I have often denied myself to experience my feelings and this has often at times resulted in an internal and external conflict that can be often times projected to others, the journey towards reaching the summit is not about denial but one of acceptance within our personal and shared space. Living in authenticity requires us to practice emotional hygeine, a practice that has slowly allowed me to come into awareness of my own value as a being either individually or within the tapestry of the collective human race. Take for instance when we have an argument we often are quick to denounce our part in casuing the event to occur or the aftermath of the event and as a result there is turmoil either internally or externally with that being said we have to allow ourselves to sit and think deeply about why we are of the perception of the other as against us, usually the root cause is choosing to see our way as the only way. Emotional hygeine refers to the fact that we choose put aside our opinions and perspective and see things from the perspective of the other and this within itself results in us not being the initiate of conflict but the one that brings an end to it. Emotional hygeine is a direct result of blooming, once we start healing from were we once bled we begin to live in this space of not striving or anguish but we begin to bypass these lessons in our experience and live from a perspective of grace. I recall before starting to acknowledge emotional hygeine as a daily practice the anguish of wanting to be accepted by others, choosing to ignore my own feelings and choosing to put others first this resulted in external pain anf conflict that we can bypass if we choose to allow ourselves to feel whatever feeling may arise within us as it is without prejudice. This process is a healing process on a material level we should allow ourselves, before this occurs we can begin to see our ways of always striving, anguish becoming obsolete in our experience and an inert peace can begin to dawn on us within our daily experience and we can live freely and make every effort, choice, decision a conscious effort towards peaceful living. Emotional hygeine as it was coined by Guy Winch is a process in my own personal space that has not only transformed the need to be accpeted and shift towards accpeting myself with all my flaws and understanding that it is okay to feel inadequate yet accept ourselves as is. I no longer project my fears and insecurities onto others instead I accept my mis-steps for being what they are, this process of emotional hygeine with the efforts of blooming have allowed me to simplify my life as much as possible and strive for excellence within my personal experience without resistance. As we gravitate towards this experience we should allow ourselves to understand authenticity is not that thing we do or say when others are watching but that thing we do or say to ourselves in our own personal space. Emotional hygeine is a practice over time that we can perfect if we are accepting of ourselves, our flaws and others as they may be different from us without prejudice towards that perceived notion of being different. I would like to emphasize in my own experience in times past there was this longing for belonging that caused me to push the boundaries of my limits in wanting to do exceedingly well so that others may find me acceptable or brilliant and with that I had to live with mental and emotional turmoil that I have began to let go and allow healing in my experience by acknowledging that I am enough as is. We are often conditioned to not understand the volatility of perception in our experience thus at times we can go for a life time wanting to prove how adequate we are or others should perceive us to be, the lesson or rejection we should take from this is that we have to begin to embrace ourselves and radiate true value within ourselves before others can see it. We do not strive for this to create an impression for others but we need to live from this perspective if we are to be truly free and enjoy life as we imagine it to be. Emotional hygeine, personally has been an experience that cannot be summed up in words and as such often we would like to experience this comfortable transformation that looks bubbly to the onlooker so we may be accpetable when in truth transformation is a painful process. It should not be painful always but mental resistance makes it so, and need for this transformation to be an event that leaves others in awe can disappoint us at times when we realize it to be otherwise. The words emotional hygeine may sound some what abnoxious or over bearring the notion of cleanliness or troubles with our feelings when the reality is that emotional hygeine is a process we experience on a mental and a physical plane. When we begin to experience emotional hygeine on an emotional plane we begin to live a life where we no longer tolerate the opinions of another to ruin our everyday decisions, feeling and on the physical plane we may come across as rebellious at times when the truth is we no longer find being confined to other people’s dogma and prejudices acceptable. This may result in an internal or external conflict if we do not allow ourselves to understand the difference between the other person’s feelings, thoughts and opinions from our own if we do not give ourselves a chance to look at ourselves and appreciate ourselves for being ourselves. Emotional hygeine may come across as a utopian concept to an onlooker who is not aware of their own contribution towards humanity as a whole, this stems from feelings of inadequacy and not understanding how to separate one’s own feeling and opinions from those of others. If we master this process we are no longer bound to accepting things at face value but we can comfortably and deeply look into our selves and ask ourselves if a particular outlook or event is acceptable for us to experience or be part of. I failed in times past to understand the concept of authenticity and thought of it as some hypist train of thought because at that time I could not see how it would serve me as a stepping stone in my personal pursuit of what eludes humanity “happiness”. With that train of authenticity as a personal practice there has been an emotional practice in my own pesonal space of what makes me uncomfortable and vice versa personally and within shared spaces. If we do not ask ourselves why we feel the way we feel towards ourselves or others we may remian victims of our own emotions and therefore lies the critical apsect in why we may need to experience and dominate our own emotions first before we engage with others from that perspective. Emotional hygeine is a fairly new ideology to the main stream but those who have been aware of it as a process rather than as a concept have been receipients and victors in their own emotional space. It is a process in which we can begin to understand that we are not our emotions but they are nonetheless part of us and we may not become enslaved by emotions, this is easier to look at this way when we think of how we can be persuaded of the value of something by appealing to our emotional mind. When we fully grasp and choose to practice emotional hygeine we begin to see clearly how, we can choose life, happiness everyday without reservation of how others may feel about our feelings or us being enslaved by their opinions in pursuit of acceptance of others. This is not some new age or hypist train of thought we ought to tell ourselves so we may sleep in the comfort of having achieved something in our daily lives but a practice to simplify how we perceive others, ourselves and how that makes up part of our daily experience and also how we can influence that process to our favour without being at the cost of another. As I write curretly there is a peace of mind permeating my being because even the notion of me writing this is not to inflate some new age thinking but share my experiences with others as I have done in times past bottled up how I feel and put up a face of everything is alright towards those that genuinely care about by well-being in pursuit of pleasing those who couldn’t spare a thought of how I feel. Emotional hygeine is learning to smiles at our own perils and knowing that it is okay that we have gone through these things that shape our way of being but do not necessarily define us as a people. We should live and learn from those perils, share our lessons from them without imposing on others our life lessons as the way of life. In my experiences the fear of what others would think if I shared about my experiences made me not live authentically, and without emotional hygeine at all because instead of enjoying the present moment my worries were simply on how others would perceive me and what they would say of me all this before realizing having something to do with our lives and something to look forward to eliminates the need to focus on other people’s affairs. As I would often give reference to my own experiences when dealing with issues of authenticity, the point to take from this is how I diverted from my own path in life in pursuit of wanting acceptance until such a time that I have learnt to accept myself practice authenticity, emotional hygeine my life is no longer confined to what this individual say or thinks of me but how can I contribute towards humanity’s well-being as I walk this material plane. So in retrospect emotional hygeine is not about disassociating ourselves with the feelings of others, being inconsiderate but choosing not to react when in conflict with the other but instead be part of the solution towards that conflict, this may be difficult to accept but not impossible to live by. In my experiences I have often come across individuals that seemed to have this figured out but when they begin to relay their experiences to me the realization of resistance dawned on me as a default experience that humanity has been going through even though we know it should not be that way and thus I am compelled to speak of emotional hygeine as an imperative we may have to take up in our daily practices. So in your own quest to reaching your own summit on this material plane, allow yourself to feel and enjoy your own feelings deeply without being dominated by them, and practice emotional hygeine when dealing with others in shared spaces or within your own personal space rememebering to be gentle with yourself because you deserve it. An awareness of the human nature of neediness, wanting to be loved and accepted became apparent to me and that the only important thing is to accept ourselves whether others have the capacity to perceive us in the same light we perceive ourselves or not. Writting and sharing this is easier to digest mentally now realizing the experience can grow or break us depending on our outlook on it and I have consciously chosen to embrace all those moments aftermath, if someone had told me prior to it all I would have not understood and be quick to assume the proverbial “there is a difference between knowing and walking the path” while that stands true, our nature of self denial to painful experience or the unfamiliar is what causes restlessness and failure to accept the blessing contained in the power of our decisions and consequence thereof is what results as pain in our experience. A growing sense of self awareness through my journey and different practices I have undertaken for emotional healing, spiritual growth and business development as I was beginning to realize gratitude of past experience as well create room for mircales to occur in my experience naturally. So in retrospect emotional hygeine is a practice that has matured my perspective in my personal space even the shared spaces, It has also taught me to let go of false mental constructs we constantly manufacture in our heads about what could go wrong or why people dislike us into a realization that these thoughts become a blueprint of our actions thus practising emotional hygeine is allowing one to be aware of themselves and others, not merely as objects but human beings to be trusted, valued and allowed a chance to express themselves before we impose labels and beliefs on them.

#emotions #reality love wereachingthesummit live free