#i don't know anyone who actually saw it but i can imagine the cinema just being a bunch of dads and then teenage girls

[stranger-awakening]

since it’s been five years since dunkirk was released i feel like we don’t talk enough about how strong the harry styles girlies who went to see a literal war movie in cinemas were. y’all are braver than i could ever hope to be

#i've seen it but i didn't go and watch it in cinemas because i hate war movies and i'm so right for that #and i only watched it after i learned that aneurin was in it too which .... god christopher nolan you Owe me for that #i don't know anyone who actually saw it but i can imagine the cinema just being a bunch of dads and then teenage girls #and that's an insanely funny image to me #obviously not all hs fans are teenage girls but i think its safe to say that they were at the time either teenagers or early 20s #jess rants about life

[craftypeaceturtle]

Just came back from mutant mayhem....

I have a lot of thoughts. A lot different than I expected but still had a blast! It's one of those films that you can just feel that everyone making it had fun. Kinda mixed feelings on the film, so I'm just going to ramble.

Spoiler alert under the cut

(like I'm talking about the whole film here so really, spoiler warning!)

Coming out of it, I feel kinda underwhelmed? The beginning has such an impact and the jokes land and it does get emotional showing how the turtles are isolated.

But the ending fight didn't have much impact and (personally) I didn't love the idea of the turtles being accepted by humans and living normal lives. I get that this was the whole point of the film but it's a hell of a direction for the franchise to go. I feel like I need more info or just to see more before I can fully form an opinion on that.

The first fight they get into, where they're trying to rescue April's bike, was amazing. Loved every second of it. The humour of it, the messy chaotic fighting and the dynamic of Leo fighting for leadership when they have never really fought as a group before. Absolutely no complaints, that was awesome!

Maybe this was just my cinema and I saw a kinda crappy viewing but did anyone else notice that the sound mixing for the film wasn't the best? Like there were entire fights where there was no sound besides the spoken lines and the background music. None of the cars flying all over made any noise. It was really awkward.

I loved this Splinter! I actually really loved him! To specifically show that Splinter is also impacted on his sons running off behind his back and how he clings on to them so tightly. While I didn't love him and scumbug's romance, the idea of Splinter learning to let them go through finding connections in his own life and growing to be more than just a father. I really loved that. Splinter stood as his own characetr separate from the turtles while still having their actions affect him. Really loved it!!

This was a fantastic April! The film recognised that she isn't a fighter and never tried to make her be one. It just recognised that she's someone who wants to do right, is super determined and willing to go the distance for those she cares about. Really really loved this imagining of April.

Personally, not a huge fan of the Leo and April but it wasn't overbearing and it did bring out some fun dynamics. Like Leo trying to flirt and all his brothers giving opinions and directions was super funny and cute!

There are a lot of references. Like oh my god a lot. I get that that's how people talk these days. I totally get it. Especially teenage boys. But that was a lot.

Before I watched it, just seeing the runtime made me think that the film was going to feel fast paced or rushed. Again, the beginning really doesn't. But the ending is where I kinda felt it. The mutants (who had all been raised by superfly) turning on superfly felt really out of nowhere and not earned. I so badly wish that scene could've gone on longer.

On that note, all mutants being related. And the weird implications of the mutagen ageing people was weird. Mutagen only working on animals? A lot of lore which I really don't know how to feel about. On the one hand, it's new and different but maybe it's because it's different that I don't like it. Meh, another aspect that I'd have to see more about before I can say anything.

The boys characterisation was great! Mikey was spot on, Leo's take on leadership and responsibility was so great!!!! Mutant Mayhem's Leo is a fantastic Leo. Raph I did love but it was weird how they kinda characterised him as wanting to run from a fight??? He wanted to leave when they met April and went Superfly doublemutated. That seemed weird. Donnie.............. I dunno. He's a loveable great dork, as per usual! But there was really no connection between him and tech or being the 'smart one'. And I get it, they clearly wanted to add more to his character. But.... he then just felt like any other character rather than a DonnieTM. You know what I'm trying to say?

Superfly was a really cool villain! I loved that he was so menacing. It really nailed this sense that he was a little like a gang. Charismatic and charming to draw you in but incredibly violent and a threat. Really loved the bowling alley scene. Before he even goes into his plan, you get the impression that he's not someone to be messed with. Really loved him!

That's all I can really think of for now. Mixed emotions. Strong end, kinda weak ending. Curious to see how they play off the world they've created but for now, I think it's time to go back to rewatching the series.

#tmnt mutant mayhem #mutant mayhem #mutant mayhem spoilers #please bare in mind the spoiler alert

[honoringthehorrific]

I watched X (2022) after Pearl (2022) and here's what I thought...

Lord have mercy it's been a while hasn't it? Lets churn out one for the new year! As always: Spoilers under the cut! <3

I'm gonna do this one differently than my usual reviews since I haven't seen the movie in a while, instead of my typical play by play I'm gonna just tell you what I thought and talk about specific scenes. Now, I know this movie was the first in the series, but I was more drawn to the look of the prequel, and I hadn't heard much promo for this movie until my dad watched it alone and boasted to me about it being one of the most fucked movies he's ever seen and I knew I had to watch it. I will say if you're going into this movie expecting some super disturbing gore-fest...Prepare to be disappointed. Don't get me wrong AT ALL the blood and effects are beautiful and i thought the amount of violence was perfect. However don't be fooled. Anyone who says this movie is gross or disturbing or fucked up may just be echoing the point the movie is trying to make.

This movie is about getting older, its about sex and porno and being free but I genuinely think the main focus is getting older.

When we meet pearl she sees herself reflected in Maxine and that's made painfully clear by the choice to cast Mia Goth as BOTH Pearl and Maxine. Pearl consistently watches Maxine almost out of jealousy but I would even argue out of mourning...She's seeing this girl come to her home, This beautiful girl who looks just like her when she was her age, making those movies the projectionist showed her when she was younger. Seeing this girl with a boyfriend who wants to make her a star, with friends...I imagine its painful to a degree...

Pearl repeatedly expresses sexual desires she still has but can't act on them because she's too old...Harold's heart can't take the strain sex would put on it and she has no other outlets as the young adults are either disgusted with her and reject her advances (RJ and Max) or treat her as if she's a child. (Bobby Lynne) I loved these characters so much. While it pays homage to one of my all time favorite slashers, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, It isn't like your typical slasher. These kids are lovable. These kids you want to see make it...Except maybe Wayne. You get snippets of their personalities and their motives as time goes on: Bobby Lynne wants to be a star like the other girls but also she thought about becoming a nurse because her nanna used to get confused. Jackson is a Vietnam vet who actually shows Howard immense respect unlike the typical rude kid persona we see in movies like these. RJ wants to make serious movies and is a cinema buff but he also cares a lot about his girlfriend Lorraine. Lorraine, while being the typical "pure" virgin character, also wants to join in and experience something new. Maxine came from an Evangelical christian household and seems to be escaping that constricting life with Wayne. One thing that I think is incredibly sad is when people mention how "fucked up" this movie is, the focus seems to center not on the gore or effects but...on the fact that it displays the elderly in a sexual light and wanting to still have sex. It's interesting because even in the movie, despite certain characters discounting the elderly couple (Wayne mentions something a long the lines of Harold forgetting how to use his dick) there is this scene where Bobby-Lynne is explaining things to Lorraine, and it's not a main focus in her statement, but she says that in the sex industry nothing matters, gay, straight, your race, or your age. I think we have a really idealized version of MILFs and Cougars, Older women with sexual desires, when we forget that often those "Older women" can look like pearl...

I thought the underlying message of even the elderly can want love and sex was sort of romantic and beautiful? I wish more people picked up on it and I'm certain I'm not the only one who did. It's just strange talking to anyone i know in person who saw this movie talk about it like it's so nasty and grotesque when it seems like the gore is somewhat minimal compared to the typical slashers I know these people watch? Now that's not to discount the effects AT ALL I loved what we did see when we saw it, RJ's blood spatter on the headlights, Wayne getting his eyeballs gouged out (that one actually made me cringe in my seat!) All of these were done pretty well while at the same time having this sort of....at home feel? I'm really not ragging on them i love practical effects and i don't know how much of this was practical but some of the effects feel like someone did it by hand, It felt akin to watching a movie from the 80s vs one modernly. Which honestly could have been the feel that they were going for.

The ending was sooo good too. I loved finding out that Maxine had some sort of tie back to this TV preacher we keep seeing. I loved the scene where she repeats him and you can hear on the TV him speak before her, "Say it with me now!" The one thing I don't like is how pearl turns on her at the end? Calling her a whore and what not however, I don't think this is out of character for pearl, she has a lot of outbursts like this in her prequel movie, the one that i can think of mainly is the scarecrow scene if you've seen Pearl (P.S. if you haven't oh my god?? go watch it?? even if you hated X I think Pearl is a reaaaally good stand alone film!) I do think it was fitting even if i didn't particularly like it. The end where Max drives off, hitting pearl on the way seems soooo fitting too. The comparison of pearl and max through the movie, their confrontation at the end where max wins and hits her with the truck after she falls and breaks her hip...It feels fitting maybe because of how the elderly and the young butt heads...Maybe how the young typically come out the end because the elderly pass away...I don't know maybe I'm reaching too far on this one. Over all a pretty good movie, I'd give it a 7/10 just because it seems like for how people hyped it up and the trailers hyped it up the gore and story elements just didn't scream at me that this was a fucked up movie. It definitely feels like a weaker movie compared to pearl, pearl worked so good as a stand alone film and I feel like X had potential to be that good? I think this was still a very good movie! I recommend it :) --- Post Notes: I'm sorry this one took so long. It's been a while since I actually watched X and I was really worried about this review not being as solid or as consistent as my pearl one. I think it's still all over the place but I wanted to give you guys this because i think there's at least a handful of people that I've kept waiting on this :) If I missed anything and you wanna pick my brain on it I'll respond to any asks or any replies (Note replies are gonna get responses from my main account @playboycreature cause this is a side blog)

#reanimated reccomendations #regurgitated reviews #x 2022 #maxine x 2022 #pearl x 2022

[charliedawn]

Imagine you're another being with the "shinning" and hunted by Rose Hat and her gang. Part 1.(my version of Doctor Sleep. Warning : gore. Horror movie. Also, you're a bad a**. 😉😂)

Little Danny loved to explore the hotel, he liked to think that it was an adventure. This is why that when the door of room 374 mysteriously opened on its own, he found himself inside before he could think about the consequences of his action. He looked around, it didn't seem any different from any other room, besides the fact that there was a huge mirror in the center of it. He approaches it and, finding his reflection funny, started making weird faces in front of it. However, his reflection quickly distorted, showing a little girl who was crying instead. Danny was a very curious little boy, and like many little boys as curious as him, he wanted to investigate. He sat on the ground and stared at the girl that hadn't noticed him yet and couldn't help but find her pretty. When she raised her eyes, they immediately made contact with the ones of Danny that smiled sympathetically at her.

" Why are you crying?"

He asked and she sniffled.

" My sister..She's done some terrible things..But I don't know what to do.."

He stared at the mirror for a moment before raising his index to his ear and whispered.

" What should I do, Tony ? She seems scared.."

The little girl raises an eyebrow at his strange gesture, but didn't interrupt him as he replied in another voice.

" I think she needs a friend.."

The boy smiled and nodded vividly in agreement before turning towards the girl again.

" Tony says I should probably be your friend. My name is Danny. What's yours ?"

The girl laughed a little before replying.

" Y/N..Where are you right now ?"

You asked, looking around him with a small frown. He seemed to be in some sort hotel..But, something felt off.

" I'm with my mom and my dad. We came here for his job.."

But, Danny didn't seem too happy about it and you decided to step a little closer to the mirror.

" You see bad things too.."

You said knowingly and Danny nodded frantically.

" I see them too.."

His eyes widened at your confession and he quickly asked.

" Really ? What do you see ?"

You seemed to look around, making sure that no one could hear you before leaning in and whispering.

" My sister..She has someone else with her, someone bad and that tells her what she has to do. This morning, she killed our dog..This is why I'm sad. The more the bad lady stays, the more my sister seems to change..I'm afraid that she will do something awful to my parents.."

Danny listened and put his thumb in his mouth, the only this that seemed to calm him down when he was worried or upset about something. He was afraid that you would find his odd behavior strange, but you only smiled before putting a strand of your hair in your mouth: your own calming process. He slowly took his thumb out and shared his own struggles.

" My father wanted to come here..but the hotel is bad. There are very bad things happening around and I'm afraid that he is going to hurt us.."

In a way, you both understood each other's struggles..But before you could talk more about it, you heard the voice of your sister calling you and freezed. She entered the room and her eyes were immediately drawn to the mirror. She smiled maliciously before standing in front of the glass.

" And who might you be, huh ?"

She asked, but Danny was too scared to speak..He had seen the old woman standing above her and her face suddenly distorted at the realization. She grimaced in anger and screamed.

" Get out of my house !"

The force of the scream was such that it send Danny flying against a wall. The connection stopped and Danny was on the verge of crying when he suddenly heard a door creak. He slowly turned his head towards the bathroom and his eyes widened as he saw someone in the bathtub. He stood up and seemed to be drawn in by the bathroom. He wanted to get out, but couldn't help walking forward, the door closing behind him..

A few years later :

You are walking towards the nearby cinema, unaware that you are being followed. You step in the cinema and buy a ticket before sitting down in one of the comfortable chairs of the dark room. There are other people, a blond girl and a man in his forties. You don't have to wonder about their relationship as the man puts his hand on the girl's thigh. You grimace and try to take a better look at the girl that seemed awfully young..You sigh loudly before looking up at the screen. They had entered together..maybe you were reading too much into this ? However, when you hear the small noises of pain, you stand up, ready to take the girl's hand and run..But imagine your surprise when you see that the moans of pain were coming from the man. You stay speechless, but quickly sit back down, looking at the girl that is whispering things in his ear, things that make the man physically shake. You look around, wondering if anyone else had noticed. Nobody seems to notice what's unfolding, only two people that seem to fix the girl with envy and..something else. You shiver as the eyes of the woman seem to stare straight at you. However, you pretend being as oblivious as everyone else by stuffing yourself with popcorn, making her grimace in disgust and look away promptly. At the end of the movie, you nearly run out of the cinema and enter the bus quickly. You see the two persons following..the blond girl from the cinema. She seems scared and you take multiple shaky breaths before running out of the bus. You curse yourself as you run past the two creeps to take the arm of the girl and put on your best fake smile.

" Hi girl ! The movie was sooo good, don't you think ?!"

The blond one frowns in incomprehension, but quickly understands when you significantly tilt your head backwards. She nods and smiles even wider before playing the game.

" I know ! I'm so sorry to have left you, but I really thought my date would show up !"

You glance backwards and see that the two have disappeared..But you don't feel like leaving the girl alone and whisper.

" My house is a few blocks away..You can hide there for a bit, just to make sure the two weirdos are truly gone.."

She looks back as well and finally nods in agreement. You arrive and lock the door behind you. You then turn towards the blond that is looking around curiously. You smile and look through the window to observe the street.

" Do you have any friends or family around here that you can stay at for the night ?"

You ask and the girl looks at her shoes sheepishly and shakes her head.

" No..I'm alone."

You feel her uneasiness and gaze back at her with a small reassuring smile.

" Don't worry, you can stay the night if you want. But, as I'm supposed to leave tomorrow..I need to know if you have anywhere to go ? A shelter maybe ? Do you want me to call child services ?"

At the mention of the latter, the girl looks up at you with frightened eyes and shakes her head negatively.

" No ! You won't take me there ! You'll allow me to stay here !"

The way she says it almost sounds like an order and you can see that she is trying to use the same trick on you than she did with the older man..but it doesn't work and you only sigh loudly.

" Fine. As I said, you can stay the night. But, tomorrow, I will be going to New Hampshire, so you better find something until then."

She slowly nods and you then make a sign for her to follow you. You open the guest room and she enters. She sits on the bed and seems happy enough. You smile and are about to tell her goodnight when she surprises you by telling you her name:

" Andi. My name is Andi."

You just realize now that you hadn't even asked for her name..You smile and respond.

" I'm Y/N."

Then you close the door and go to your own room.

The next day :

You wake up and get ready before preparing your breakfast. You enter Andi's room, but only find a neatly made bed. You feel a bit sad at the fact that she didn't even say goodbye..but that quickly goes away when you see that you are missing 20 dollars.

" Son of a..!"

You curse and sigh again..Well, it could have been worse. You take your car keys and get inside your car. You start driving towards New Hampshire while following a map. You are supposed to have an interview for the local newspaper and also..You kinda want to get away from the city for a while, too many entities there. You only stop halfway to get your sandwiches out of your bag. You search for through your stuff, but suddenly feel something moving on the backseat. You freeze and your brain starts gathering all the possible explanations..A raccoon ? A spirit ?..You wait and finally, a familiar fair-haired head peeks out from underneath a blanket.

"...Hey."

She greets you with an awkward smile and a small wave of her hand. You can't believe that she 1) actually slept through more than half of the road and 2) that she followed you ! Your shock passed6, you pinch the bridge of your nose in exasperation and ask on an intransigent tone.

" Andi. What are you doing here ?"

She doesn't answer, she just looks ahead with widened eyes and you grit your teeths..Is she actually ignoring you right now ?! You are about to start yelling when she points towards the road ahead. You sigh, but still look and your eyes widen as well when you see who is driving the small van ahead of you..the guys who was following Andi yesterday ! He seems to be following a young boy now. Your blood boils in your veins at the prospect that they were now actually attacking small children.

" Andi. Seat belt."

You say warningly, your hand gripping the steering wheel with such intensity that your knuckles turn white. Andi doesn't wait for you to ask twice and quickly buckles her seat belt. You see that the boy is about to get inside the car and suddenly hit the gas. You had a feeling, a feeling that this boy would never see the light of day again if you didn't stop them. You drive straight ahead and collide with van full force, continuing advancing even afterwards. You make them drive backwards and you glare straight into the other driver's eyes. He seems shocked at first, but when he recognizes you, he smiles. You grit your teeths and yell while raising your middle finger.

" Yeah ! Keep smiling, a**h*le !"

The boy is far away now. He will be able to get back to his parents safely. Andi doesn't scream, but can feel the anger radiating from you. The van drives away as well, and the front of your car may be in a disastrous state, but you don't care. When you're calm enough, you lean back against your seat and look back at Andi, making sure that she is alright.

" Everything's fine ?"

She nods affirmatively before looking at you with concern written all over her features.

" I know that they are creeps but..Wasn't it a bit too much ?"

You close your eyes and remember the screams of agony of a little girl that you had heard a few months ago..You don't know why, but the screams had suddenly reappeared in your head as you had seen the two individuals following Andi yesterday, and even louder with this kid. It is now your alarm when bad thing are about to happen. You hear the screams of this girl that seemed in such pain when she died..You had ran to get to her, but by the time you had arrived, she had disappeared completely. This is another one of the reasons why you had decided to leave your old town. You take a big breath before driving forward.

" You have to trust me on this. They deserved it."

You say confidently and Andi doesn't add anything. She only looks out the window silently for the rest of the way. When you finally arrive, you stop in front of a weird-looking house with dark-tinted windows and a bright red door. You had already seen it of course, but Andi hadn't. She pouts when she sees it and whines.

"Is that really where you're going to live ?"

You ark an eyebrow at the pronoun she uses and cough loudly for her to turn her attention towards you.

" Where WE are going to live, you mean ? You really think I'm going to let you go with those people out there ? Not in a million years. You stay with me, Missy. That you like it or not.."

Her eyes widen, but she quickly smiles excitedly.

" You mean it ?! I promise that I won't steal money from you again ! And I'll even give your watch back !"

" Yeah yeah..Don't get used to it though, as soon as the creeps are definitely off our backs, I'm finding you someone else to take care of you..Wait, what do you mean by giving my watch back ?!"

She smiles awkwardly and you look at your naked wrist and roll your eyes before extending your hand.

" Come on. Give it."

She immediately gets it out and gives it back to you with an apologetic smile. You both get out, and she even helps you with the luggage.

" No more stealing. I'll have a job and I'm sure it'll pay enough for the both of us."

She doesn't answer right away, but you suddenly turn around and wait with your arms crossed expectantly. She finally rolls her eyes and replies with her gaze lowered to the floor.

" Yes, "mom"."

You gasp in fake offense at her insinuation and she looks up at you with a small smirk.

" That's it, young lady. Come on. Get inside and tomorrow, I'll be sure to walk around and see if any schools can accept you. There is no way I'm leaving a fifteen-year old roam the street."

She seems to disapprove and says on an authorative tone, crossing her arms as well.

" I'm not going. In fact, you'll forget ever asking me to do so.."

She tries to use her powers on you again, but you resist her and sigh before entering the house. You don't answer her and she frowns, upset. However, she still enters after you and is agreeably surprised by the interior that is a lot prettier than the outside. You smile at her awed expression, however, you aren't that pleased to be back in this house..

" Home sweet home.."

You still remember how you thought that the walls were full of secrets and that the seemed to be whispering in your ears..They had warned you of what would happen, but you were only a child..What could you have done ? Andi gets you out of your thoughts by groaning loudly.

" I'm hungry.."

You sigh, of course she is..

" Okay, the money you stole from my wallet ? It was supposed to be used for buying groceries once here."

She looks at her shoes almost guiltily before admitting.

" I was hungry this morning..I used it to by a box of donuts and a milkshake.."

You want to be mad..but you can't. You only take out your wallet and open the door. She quickly follows you and you start walking, searching for a shop. You soon find one at the corner of a nearby street and enter. You start looking around for decent prices while Andy starts piling up sugary sweets upon sugary sweet in the...You turn in the soups alley and Andi grimaces in disgust at nearly every single soup on the shelves. You finally take some, ignoring Andi's complaining. You see that the last tomato soup is on sale and are about to take it when another hand shots up to get it. You turn towards the owner of the hand and see an Indian man with a nice smile. He gives you the soup while apologizing.

" My bad, you spot it first."

You smile back politely and take it. You are about to turn around and go when the man introduces himself while extending your hand towards you.

" I'm Billy. Billy Freeman."

You finally shake his hand with a small smile and nod in acknowledgement before replying.

" I'm Y/N. And this girl here is Andi."

However, the man frowns in confusion before looking behind you.

" Hum..Andi ?"

You turn around and see that Andi is gone. You sigh loudly before groaning.

" This girl I swear.."

You then flash your best apology smile towards Billy.

" It was a pleasure, Billy. But, I need to go."

You start walking towards the cashier, but Billy follows you before adding.

" Wait. I'll search with you."

You are about to refuse, but finally nod in agreement. You need all the help you can get to find the girl, hoping that one of those creepy guys didn't get to her first..You shiver just as the thought and feel the adrenaline rushing through your veins as you start yelling.

" Andi ! Andi ! Where are you ?!"

Billy calls her as well, but you finally have to go through the cashier.

" Please, I lost my...sister. Her name is Andi. Can you call her ?"

The lady only nods before making the call. You stay here, biting your nails out of frustration. One minute, and Andi had disappeared. You don't want admit it, but you like the blond midget. You don't want anything to happen to her until you find her a family or help in any case..Suddenly, the woman smiles and tilts her head towards one of the aisles where two individuals had just gotten out of. One is Andi, munching grumpily on a handful of crisps while the other person, a man, drags her forward. You sigh in relief before running towards them.

" Thank God ! Andi ! I was worried !"

She only rolls her eye dramatically before continuing eating, but you can see that she feels guilty when she whispers.

" Yeah..Sorry.."

You look up to thank the man that had found her and freeze on thee spot when your eyes meet. Somehow, you have this feeling to have already seen him somewhere.. However, he doesn't seem to feel the same way as he only smiles before tilting his head towards Andi.

" You're the sister of the little demon ?"

He asks with a small smile and you nod with a slight smile as well. He extends his hand towards you and you shake it accordingly. However, the moment your hand is in his, you feel as if electricity is coursing through your entire body. He seems to feel it too this time as he immediately steps away with a small frown of incomprehension. However, before you could say anything, Billy appears and takes him by the shoulders in a friendly way.

" Hey, Danny ! I see that you've met the new members !"

Danny ? The name is as familiar as the face, but Danny only shakes his head with a shy smile.

" Yeah. Just found the girl and decided to do a good deed..But, I have to come back to work. I'll see you around."

You don't know who he is addressing those last words too, but you still reply.

" I hope so.."

He looks one last time at you before leaving and suddenly, memories flash in your brain that makes you scream in agony in front of everyone. Andi is by your side in and instant and tries to calm you down, but you feel a painful pang in your chest. You open your eyes wide and feel as if you can't breathe..You thought you had locked her up..But, one glance at Danny, and your old demon got out of his prison. You feel cold arms around your neck as she whispers in your ear.

" hello, sister.."

End of part 1! Tell me what you think!

#danny x reader #doctor sleep #fanfic #imagine #fandoms #danny torrance

[spectrumed]

9. conversation

(I wrote this after having a few drinks, so I apologise for the occasional digression.)

One time, some years ago, I was at medborgarplatsen in Stockholm. I was about to watch a movie at the cinema there, Filmstaden Söder. I can’t remember the movie, but this was at a time I wanted to prove my worth as a cinephile, so it wasn’t a blockbuster. For those of you who don’t know the way around Stockholm, medborgarplatsen is a square that is pretty close to the heart of the city, some may even argue that it is the heart of the city (though, I wouldn’t.) The name translates to “the citizen’s place,” an example of Swedes’ general commitment to all things egalitarian. Though, nowadays, most citizens can only dream of living in a place as central as medborgarplatsen. Södermalm, the borough in which medborgarplatsen is located, used to be known as quite the working class slum. Though, like with most global cities these days, things have changed. I don’t much like to complain about gentrification, I think it has more to do with governments’ reluctance to build new apartments, preferring instead to stick their heads in the sand and pretend as if population numbers aren’t increasing. Like, sure, I am not asking you to tear down all those old buildings to build new ones that’ll have enough room for more people, all I am asking is for you to expand, build more homes near the city and develop the right kind of infrastructure and public transport that allows for people to not need a car to get around. Cities are supposed to be lived in, they are not history museums! It drives me nuts, all these NIMBYs and their incessant whining and complaining about basic and inevitable societal progress. GAH! JUST BUILD MORE GODDAMMIT!

… I am sorry, I think I happened upon a tangent here divorced from the actual topic I wish to discuss. In any case, I was about to watch a movie at the cinema, and I had an hour or so to spend before it started. I was around people. Naturally, I was uncomfortable. People, you never know what they’re up to. They could be spying on you. They could be recording you. Or worse, they could be entirely indifferent to your presence. It is scary how others treat you, or how they refuse to treat you. It is easier not to be around people. Or well, be around people on the internet. That way you can get some social interaction, without having to be physically present. Being face-to-face with a person, that can go either one of two ways. Either you find a familiar soul, someone you can relate to. Someone you can love. Someone you could imagine spending your life with. Or you find someone that makes you feel icky, someone who makes you want to jump off a cliff. And it is difficult to find a cliff when you’re standing in the middle of a city, at a public square. Not many cliffs are to be found in the middle of cities. You’ve likely experienced the sensation of finding yourself in an uncomfortable situation, one you wish you could escape from, yet knowing that you are stuck. The icy feeling overtaking you. The dread. The profound desire to just do whatever you can to convince whoever is pressuring you to go away and leave you alone. Even if that means paying them money.

A person came up to me looking for charitable donations. Now, I am not a rich man. I certainly don’t spend all day long biddy biddy bum. I am not a wealthy man with a wife looking like a rich man’s wife with a proper double-chin, supervising meals to her heart’s delight. I wish I could give more to charity, but I can’t. I feel very uncertain about my future. I fear for my economic prospects. Don’t ask me for money, I don’t have any to give. There are plenty of filthy rich people in this world, ask them for their charitable donations. Many of them don’t even pay taxes. Surely, they have lots of cash. They stay in their penthouses, worshipping Mammon, and they certainly don't go down any citizens’ squares. What kind of money do you expect to receive from bothering a person like me? I don’t look rich. Or maybe I do. Someone might look at me and think I’m one of those rich kinds of nerds, an internet wiz kid, a programmer who made some website that’s now really famous. In any case, I am not. I am just a lost and confused sheep yearning for a shepherd to guide me.

The person showed me a series of photographs of women being victimised. Some tortured, some beaten up, some exploited. Pakistani women. The person was raising money to help Pakistani women. A noble mission, certainly. What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to say that “no, I don’t care about Pakistani women” and just walk away? I didn't want the person to think of me as some callous western chauvinist who isn’t willing to spend some of my money to make a real change. I do care. I care very deeply. But, well, I just don’t really have money. Not in that way. Not in a way that can make a difference. Still, if you’ve got a truly burning sense of justice, a desire to see things wrong get fixed, see the righteous win, then you will want any kind of cash donation you can get. I sympathise. I understand that the person showing me the photographs may not have cared to figure out whether I had money or not. I clearly did not look starving (I am fat.) Surely I could afford to make a donation. Even the littlest bit counts. I needed to give. They needed me to give. Just give a little bit. C’mon. Don’t you care about Pakistani women?

I ummed and ahhed for a bit. I felt cautious, nervous, wondering how I could possibly explain my concern for these women while also recognising my lack of being able to really contribute monetarily to help them. Of course, at the moment, my cognitive functions weren’t properly functioning. No, I was stammering, I was overwhelmed, I was suffering a sensory overload. All these people around me, all this noise. I could have given the person asking me for a donation just some coins, a paltry sum, then pretended as if that was enough. But I didn’t. I gave him half of the money that I had on me. Not too much, but a significant amount of Swedish crowns. More than the cinema ticket cost me. Money I wasn’t prepared to spend at that moment. Still, it served the purpose. It made the world around me calm down. It lessened the storm. I don’t want to live in a world of chaos. I want things to be ordered. An ordered world can be understood, it can be categorised. Chaotic agents threaten the peace. Chaos makes me worry I might be exposed. I don’t want anyone knowing just how weird I am, just the kind of freak that I am. I want them to think I am normal. It’s easier to pretend to be normal when everything is calm, when people don’t freak me out.

One of the biggest social mistakes I’ve made is engaging in conversation with a person claiming to need money to take a bus to the dentist. They claimed that they had a dentist appointment, and in fact, it was paid for. They just didn’t have the money to pay for the bus. They needed me to give them just that little bit of money to buy a bus ticket. Simple, right? They were eager to convince me, so they began sticking their finger in their mouth, pointing at the tooth that needed to be pulled out. I told them that they didn’t need to show me, I believed them. But of course, I only said that because they made me feel uncomfortable. Did I believe them? Of course not. The person was clearly just looking for cash, a real scam artist, but I wasn’t socially adept enough to dismiss them. Sure, I can look back on it and think about this or that thing I should've said. Instead I just awkwardly mentioned needing to catch my own bus and that I didn’t have the time to talk. The scam artist followed me, continuing to engage me in conversation. I tried to appear sympathetic, I tried to appear normal, and the person took advantage of that. They needled me. They urged me to pay attention to them, making me feel like a monster if I didn’t. In the end I told them I would get them the money, but instead I ran and stepped on the bus heading back home to my place. They didn’t follow me. Of course they didn’t follow me. They didn’t have a bus ticket.

I came across them later, days later, at the subway. They saw me, tried to get my attention, but I ran into the crowd, hitting the escalator before they could get close. Later I saw them get accosted by security guards, clearly reprimanded for their behaviour, scamming people. Cornering people, telling them lies, then asking for cash. That’s not virtuous behaviour. Still, the security guards could only do so much. Did they stop the person from trying to scam people? Of course not. The person kept on badgering whoever paid them just the littlest bit of attention. Whoever looked kind. Whoever would be inclined towards making charitable donations. I had escaped that one time, but the person was adamant that they wanted me to give them the money they thought they deserved. Whenever I’d take the subway, they’d be there, trying to get my attention. And I kept running. I kept doing my best to avoid them. I felt like a real fool. Why couldn’t I just assert myself, pump up my chest and tell them that I was on to them? I knew the truth, I knew they were a fraud. Yet, I just wanted to avoid it all. I wanted to pretend as if I didn’t know them. That everything was just calm and peaceful, and there wasn’t a storm brewing somewhere nearby. This was everything about being surrounded by people that I hated. This, right here, was the ultimate reason I knew for wanting to become a hermit. Not having to put up with this kind of bullshit.

One time, the last time, the person came up to me, I couldn’t escape. I was waiting for the train. I was about to get to a lecture. The person saw me, and they stood right in front me. I was wearing headphones. I pretended I could not hear them. I pretended I could not even conceive of them, as if my mind were someplace else entirely. I pretended as if I had erased them from existence. They didn’t immediately catch on. They stood in front of me and they began commenting on my appearance. They decided, quite unusually, to congratulate me for my beard. Stating that I looked good with facial hair. Of course, I do. My beard looks amazing. I am not insecure about my beard. I may be insecure about my weight, I may be insecure about some things, but the two things I am not insecure about are my height (I’m 6’2”) and my beard. Still, I refused to acknowledge the scam artist’s existence. Other people waiting for the train were looking at us. They thought it was strange that I just stood there, looking straight ahead ignoring the person standing in front of me. But I did what I needed to do. The scam artist touched me, I still ignored them. Honestly, that is one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever experienced. Their hand on my chest. Them touching me. Still, I didn’t budge. Eventually, they gave up. They went away. I had won. I should’ve felt good about myself, I had come out on top. But I didn’t. I still felt awful. I had hurt their feelings. Why am I so weird, why am I so awkward? I really don’t know how to behave like a normal person.

I think I do better in long conversations with people than in short little chats. You can’t just get a quick impression of me and think you know me. One reason why I don’t think I could ever make for a good one-night stand. Unless you know me, I’m not a real person. I am just a caricature. I don’t feel as if I am really there, as if my presence alone is enough to make me a person. I am only a person through commitment, through being understood by someone else that has the right kind of patience to put up with me. For the most part, only I myself have that kind of patience. That’s why I enjoy my own company. I feel as if I freak out too easily when meeting new people. I feel as if I overwhelm them with information, like as if I am some walking thunderstorm demanding their attention. Yes, that’s the great irony of it all. I say that I struggle to put up with the chaos of others, the wild sea of people swarming the city, yet I am the worst chaotic agent of them all. I am a mess of a person. I am hullabaloo incarnate. And that is why I feel such an incessant need to repress. Don’t press the button that lets open the floodgates. Keep it all bottled up. Keep on being repressed. Keep on staring straight forwards, ignoring that person trying to scam you for money.

Of course that person isn’t reading this blog post. They’re busy trying to find some other sucker to pay for their drug fix, or whatever it is that they need money for. Maybe they’re just trying to pay for rent. In any case, if I had the person here with me, right at this moment, I would tell them… Well, I would yell at them… I would absolutely admonish them… I would... I would… I would probably just ignore them. It is so easy to try and pretend as if you’re more sociable than you actually are. In your head, things seem so easy. Yes, I know what I’d say, I know exactly how to express myself. But in reality, well, things are complex, the overwhelming actuality of it all swamps you. When haven’t you had that idea for the perfect comeback of a line to sling at a person you’re quarrelling with only after the argument is over? When haven’t you had an idea for just the right and proper way to awe another person with your mind and your words. I am sure they will be impressed with me now, if only I say the right things. If only I can act the right way. If only I don’t fuck it up. If only I don’t act like such a dork.

This blog is easy. I get to think about every word I express here. I get to erase sentences I don’t like. That backspace on the keyboard, it’s well-worn with use. Some folks don’t understand how I can be autistic and still be as good with words as I am. This is my second language that I am writing in. I am not some mute little chicken, some gagged little monkey. I know how to express myself, when I get the time. When I get that moment to write, I will write, and I won’t stop until I am done. All my posts I tend to write in one go, late at night when I should be going to bed. When I am in the right mood. When all those synapses in my brain fire the right way. Those moments, they are common, but they aren’t to be summoned just when I need them. They come when they wish to come. I can only be a passenger, going along with my brain, doing whatever it demands. In those other moments, those moments I am standing there, waiting for the train, I may become entirely mute. I may not have a single thing to say. I may look like a real dummy, some real himbo, utterly lost for words. I am not pretending, at those moments. I truly am lost for words. At some times, language is easy. At other times, I don’t even understand how to string a basic sentence together.

I am tired. I am going to go to bed.

#neurodivergent #neurodiversity #autism spectrum disorder #autism #aspergers #mental health

[spellthemoon]

Unwanted Ending

Kang Younghyun x Reader. A little bit of angst.

***

The same place, same time, same conversation and the same ending. You looked so tired in Younghyun's eyes. He's tired too. Probably. Tired of what he's doing right now. Every time the two of you meet, it always ends with a deep sighs and buried anger. No, the two of you don't scream at each other. Both of you talk in calm manner then one of you would give in and stop responding. That makes Younghyun scared. He's scared if the anger that's buried inside will explode and leave nothing. Even if Younghyun wants to open his mouth and raise his voice, he can't do that. If he does, he's afraid it will end things. This relationship of three years. Younghyun also know that lately, you've been holding on your emotions. When the two of you fight, you used to raise your voice and have a sullen face. There were times when you'd just leave him. He remembers when you left him in a restaurant and when you purposely let him waited for you for three hours in cinema. He also remembers when he was ignoring you for a whole three hours when you came to his studio. But, these days it's different. Both of you talk with a low voice and expressionless face. The two of you will just leave the unsolved problems and misunderstandings. To Younghyun, it's not normal that the two of you are so afraid to start a fight and let all the emotions buried inside.

***

It's been three days both of you haven't text or call each other. The last message was from Younghyun telling you that he couldn't make it to attend your friend's wedding because he had a sudden meeting with the singer he's working with. He got no reply from you but he also didn't make effort to call or come to your place.

A guilty feeling of thinking that you're all alone at your friend's wedding came to his mind. Younghyun closed his notebook and placed his guitar then rushed to your place. Somehow he knows what he's coming to. There are two possibilities, you're going to ignore him and tell him that you're okay or you're going to scream from the start and push him out of your place. Younghyun hopes it will be the latter. At least, he knows what he'll gonna do. He'll beg for forgiveness if you're mad. But if you just ignore it and let it pass, the tension in this relationship with you will get heavier.

***

Younghyun arrived at your place. He was just standing in front of the door for minutes. He knows your passcode so he could let himself in easily but he knows how to act accordingly. He didn't tell you in advance that he would come, so he didn't want to invade your privacy. Younghyun pressed the bell and waited for a while. He hoped you're inside and let him in. He pressed the bell once more and just right after that the door was opened but it didn't revealing who's inside. Younghyun pushed the door and came in. He saw you already walked to the living room. You didn't even let him greet you. Younghyun followed you and standing awkwardly when you sat on the couch and turned on the television. Younghyun cleared his throat to get your attention.

"Hi..." He said with a low tone.

You looked up at him with no expression. "Why are just standing there? Don't you want to sit?"

Younghyun sat beside you. He closed the gap and his heart hurt a little when you shifted your position slightly.

"I'm sorry i couldn't accompany you to your friend's wedding." He said carefully looking at your face.

"It's okay." You said, still had your eyes on the television even though you didn't even care about the show and those people on tv laughing like crazy.

"If it's not, you can tell me. I'll try to make up for that." Younghyun just looked down.

"How?"

Younghyun lifted his face and looked at you. "What?"

"How will you make up for it if i wasn't okay?" You still didn't look at him even though you could feel that he asked you to face him with his sharp eyes still looking at you.

Younghyun stayed quiet for a while. He didn't know how, actually. If it takes everything then he'll do it. "You can tell me, i'll do anything."

You turned off the television and finally looked at him in the eye. "Forget it. You don't even know how to." You stood up and walked to your bedroom.

Before you could open your bedroom door, Younghyun got in your way. He stood in front of you. They way he towered over you would make your heart fluttered in different situation. You looked up and sighed.

"What?"

"We have to talk. About us."

His stern face made you tired already. You just want to have a peaceful day. You let him in without no intention to argue. It's true that you're mad at him but you just need a time to let your anger gone away. You also missed him.

"Let's talk later. I'm tired."

Younghyun hold your shoulders with both of his hands. It's not hard enough to hurt you but it's enough to not let you move your body.

"We really need to talk." Younghyun said softly.

You pushed his hands and walked back to sit on the couch. Younghyun sat on the table so he can face you. You refused to look at him and just looked down.

"What do you want to talk?"

"Honestly i don't know where to start," Younghyun paused because he needed to think how to talk in the right way and how to lead this conversation without blaming anyone and not end up with a fight or worse, tears.

You waited for him to continue. You became so nervous all of sudden.

"Don't you think something has changed between us? I feel like we've become cold to each other." Younghyun stopped to see your expression. He carefully continued, "We've become careful to each other. It's like there's a wall between us and it's getting higher. I don't even remember the last time we laugh so freely together."

You stayed quiet because what he said is right. You feel it too and it makes you scared for how the relationship is going to somewhere you never want to think of. Whose to blame? You don't know. Younghyun has been too busy lately. You tried to understand it. You tried to take more effort to come to his studio even though it's far enough from your place. You don't mind that, really. But it's the way he's only focus on his damn guitar and computer with you sitting on the couch behind him, it made you feel like you did that for nothing. Like he's just fine if you were not there sitting like a statue.

For you, you also have enough stress going on with your personal life so you don't want to put more on your shoulders. So, whenever something is going on between you and Younghyun, you just want to let it pass. You are tired of fighting. You don't want to be stressed more.

Before the two of you give each other a silent treatment, you used to fight a lot for the past few months. It's to the point where the two of you were tired of it. So, both of you and Younghyun just holding on. You can feel it and you're sure Younghyun feel the same way that one more fight, it will end the relationship because the two of you had enough. You don't want to part away with Younghyun. You love him so much. You've been three years with him so you are already feel comfortable with him. For Younghyun, he already knew the difference between his life before you came and after you came and stay by his side for three years. You're the sunrise and the sunset of his days. He couldn't imagine if he has to live his life without you again. He already how it feels to be with you.

These days, if he can be honest, the relationship just adding more stress to his days. The days when he couldn't fulfilled his promises, the days when he's being a disappointment to you, the days when he has to say sorry, to the days when he got hurt seeing your cold face and the way you hold your tears caused by him. All of those things made his heart heavier and he wishes he can leave those behind.

You're tired too. You want to let go all of this stressful things. You don't want to have expectation that only make you disappointed at the end. Maybe, it's really the time to try to let go.

"Are you tired?" You asked Younghyun in sorrow.

Younghyun looked down and nodded his head. It's enough answer for you. It's enough for you to let your tears fall from your eyes. Tears were rolling down unstoppably when you heard he's sobbing. You want to take his hands and hug him tightly but you know you'll break down and you'll ask him to stay with you. So, you hold yourself.

This is the ending you never wanted but this is what you and Younghyun need right now.

#youngkscenarios #young k scenario #young k angst #young k scenarios #day6 scenario #younghyun scenarios #young k #day6