#i dont remember what his scar looks like and at this point im too lazy to ask
Note
NAURRR I FORGOT TO SCREENSHOT THE NOTIFICATION💔 but tumblr was being saur cute sisbissnks it was like
juyomiao has posted
we noticed they're one if your favorites❤️
or smthn along the lines of that and ACK IT WAS SAUR CUTE PLS JSBKSNSKSKA-
anyways idk if u can answer the first one but it's still cool hshshshs
✩ do you have/ can you give some not-so-spoiler spoilers for o.o? (hahajahs u made me obsessed w this and im not complaining)
★ your mtl biased member in cravity? (just ur preferences, u may put reasoning if u want :] )
✩ fav/recommended tbz songs? (im really planning on stanning they seem fun ajajasjs)
★ *IF* w1 is really pursuing with the greek mythology shit, which god/goddess (there's a possibility) do you think bin is going to be? (and state ur reasons hshs)
omg tumblr being cute (unexpected)
☆ uhhhh idk how to give spoilers without spoiling everything so all i can say is what i alr said : its getting more angsty bc i like being cruel n ruining things 🤭 BUT dw it will have a happy ending and the funny elements of the fic r not going anywhere bc thats still the most important part to me
★ okay omg this is hard wait
disclaimer ofc i love all the members
minhee : he was my bias in x1 too so even when i didnt rlly stan cravity i still considered him my cravity bias lmao hes also the proof i have a 'type' when biasing idols bc . the minhee - younghoon - sunghoon trinity explains a lot abt it
serim : he was the reason i got more interested in cravity bc i was watching a cravity park episode n realized how fine he was so ,, yeah . kind of surprising bc he was one of the two members i didnt rlly know abt before stanning (i knew minhee hyeongjun wonjin n jungmo bc of produce n knew seongmin taeyoung n allen bc ppl talk abt them a lot) but im so insane abt him to the point something i said after seeing one of his pics became an inside joke in my friend group
seongmin : my bbg hes so cute n pretty n soft n i love his voice so much . n lately i've been wanting to eat him too .
hyeongjun : ofc knew him bc of x1/pdx n already loved him back then but now even more . in the nicest way possible hes insane hes not normal but thats exactly why i love him
this is where it gets more complicated bc i cant rlly rank them ? like probably woobin n then jungmo wonjin n allen more or less on the same level ?? like even i would expect jungmo n wonjin to be higher but . heres a fun fact‼️i watched produce without subtitles ! so i remember little to nothing abt it n had no idea what was going on ⅔ of the time !! bc i used to watch it when they livestreamed it on youtube n then was too lazy to go look for the subbed ep ,, then i got more attached to minhee n hyeongjun bc they were in x1 obviously
that was so long im sorry but u cant give me a perfect opportunity to infodump abt my special interest / hyperfixation n . expect me not to do it
☆ OHHHH OKAY so idk what music u like more so this list might be a bit questionable bc i like everything even noise music . but i'll focus on b-sides !!
walkin in time , only one (obviously , the queen who inspired my fic title) , melting heart , l.o.u , text me back , daydream , espionage , shake you down , scar , salty , goodbye , checkmate , shine shine , insanity , prism , kiss me if you can , hush , kingdom come (i'll never get tired of saying it , tbz were robbed on that bitchass show FUCK MNET) drink it , out of control , nightmares , merry bad ending , hypnotized , russian roulette , one dance , sweet , c.o.d.e , survive the night , levitating , awake , savior
tbz's entire discography is honestly perfect have fun stanning them u wont regret it‼️‼️
★ honestly idk😭😭 when i was younger (n we r talking abt 5yo until 14yo so it was . a while) i was sooo obsessed with greek mythology but my brain just . wiped all that information away😭 so i genuinely dont know
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The Attackers
here are Venus and Brambles, the attackers of my OC team! (i don’t have a name for the team yet. names are hard). Also if you remember the first oc post and remember the guys name and are wondering, yes, everyone in the team is named and has their looks based off plants. this drawing kinda looks weird cuz i drew the heads first like a dumbass
ANYWAY OC BACKSTORY/PERSONALITY TIME
so Venus is like...one of the only decent people in the entire team(don’t get used to it). She’s very energetic,bubbly and sweet. She also eats a lot. She grew up as the oldest sister in a poor household with a single mom and multiple siblings. As she’s an adult now(early 20′s) the responsibility of caring for her siblings falls on her as her mom is in the hospital. She uses the money she earns as a footballer to pay for her mom’s hospital bills and care for her siblings. She’s incredibly stressed (as you can see from her antennae,they droop when someone is feeling negative emotions) but tries to seem happy in front of everyone because she believes showing negative emotions will rub off on people and she doesn’t want that. She puts other people’s needs before her own because she likes seeing people happy. She doesn’t like conflict but CAN and WILL beat someone (cough cough BRAMBLES cough) up if they’re hurting kids. Dated Brambles at one point...i don’t know how that happened but i’m glad that’s over with
Brambles. This motherfucker. Actual alien equivalent of Ricegum. Going from talking about Venus to talking abt him is giving me whiplash. Absolute ASSHOLE. 0 redeeming qualities. anyway i should probably talk abt him now. He’s the brother of the teams’ backup player and Sugarcane’s cousin. He’s the oldest out of 4 siblings and is an absolutely horrible brother if you were wondering. Grew up in a rich household and is a spoiled brat. No wonder his father left (oh yeah btw his dad left lol). Regularly makes fun of the backup player(his youngest brother, who is SIXTEEN BY THE WAY) for having mental problems and attachment issues (HMMM I WONDER WHAT COULD’VE CAUSED THOSE. probably not LIVING IN A LOVELESS HOUSEHOLD WITH AN ASSWIPE OF A BROTHER). He’s even worse later but i’m not gonna spoil it. How did he manage to date someone as sweet as Venus. I have no clue. I don’t wanna talk about him anymore, his personality is draining to the brain. If he was a real person i’d spit on him
[[EDIT/UPDATE 19.8.2022: ok so i’m not really good at making my stories(i mostly make characters and specific scenes) but Brambles was a pretty barebones guy, even for me. Wasn’t much to him besides being his brothers abuser and being a disappointment to his family. So i wanted to flesh out his character a little more i guess (that’s a lie it came to me completely randomly while listening to music lol.(the music was Splitter Girl by weevildoing and Kareshi No Jude by syudou if u were wondering)).
This might change but as of now some things are added: Brambles was a child who took his familys’ neglect as any rational child would: By developing extremely violent tendencies to harm himself, and every other creature unlucky enough to be near him! ...yay. Frequent victims include animals(who he definitely murdered, by the way) and his youngest brother(hope i introduce him soon so i can stop calling him just that cuz its weird). His other 2 siblings were too slippery for it i guess. Plus theres 2 of them so thats twice as many hands to throw at his face, which they did. TIMEJUMP TO THE PRESENT, i actually have a reason for Brambles and Venus breaking up besides him being an asshole: Cheating. Motherfucker cheated on her with a defender in the team(who i ALSO havent introduced HNNNGHHH) and also cheated on him with Venus because NEITHER OF THEM actually KNEW about the other dating their boyfriend, so technically they were both cheated on. It didnt go to well for our boy here,as you can imagine. Probably gonna need to add some scars to his design now lol(maybe the back? cuz im lazy and dont wanna change anything). So yea those are the changes for now byee]]
WELL OKAY that’s them alright. As one last thing u may have noticed: you can see in the picture that they’re wearing matching collars. That’s actually part of the teams uniform (which i forgot to include in Sugarcane’s reference pic like a dumbass). Each position has a different color and the attackers one is red! A shame Venus has to share the position with Brambles but what can you do.
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o reverend! my reverend!
#critical role#undeadwood#reverend mason#critical role fanart#undeadwood fanart#teamiddydraws#i dont remember what his scar looks like and at this point im too lazy to ask
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BabyGirl 3.0
NOTES:
♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it.
♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts
♥ 3.2k. fluff.
♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works.
♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass.
♥ thank you so so much for all the notes and feedback for the previous chapters! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! i hope you enjoy this chapter!
♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate.
♥ read part 1 HERE and part 2 HERE
3.0 ♥ APOLOGY & CULPABILITY ♥
HIM
I was pissed. Pissed at myself for not even noticing that Louis was bringing me into a trap. I like to think i'm good to guess people and their character, but through the years, I realized I was not as competent as I thought. Still, being played and betrayed by my very best friend was humiliating and incredily hurtful. I glanced at him and noticed guilt written all over his face, but it wasn't enough to take the feeling of betrayal running inside me.
"Wow, hey, it's been a while."
She glanced at Louis too and I breathed in before nodding.
"Yea, 4 years," I just pointed out, slipping my hands in my pockets, trying to find a way to escape this incredibly awkward and almost intolerable situation.
Could I pretend to get a call? Or a text message? Then run outside and call a cab? Was there any way for me to just run to the airport and fly as far away from here as I could? Even on the other side or the world I knew I couldn't feel better. It was too late. I had seen her again and I couldn't take my eyes off of hers.
She got older. I could see her hair were dyed but it was still pretty much the same shade of brown it always was, and I wondered why she'd do such a thing for so little change. Her dress was plain but pretty and she gained a little weight. For some reason, she seemed to glow in a way I couldn't explain.
"5." she corrected me. "It's been 5 years."
I was surprised when her eyes left mine to glance behind me but I kept looking at her. Perhaps, she still had that effect on me, but i didn't have the same effect on her. We used to be a bit obsessed with each other, and we could stare at each other for longer than most people would find acceptable.
My heart felt heavy, like stuck in a vice and someone was twisting it slowly, as if to make the pain less bearable and my death longer to come. I wanted to run away, yet my legs wouldn't move, i was stuck here indefinitely, forced to look into the eyes of the only girl i loved without being able to touch her.
"That long..." I nodded, as if I didn't know the exact date of the last time i saw her.
She nodded too and sent me a shy smile as I twisted the fabric of the inside of my pockets hard enough to feel my muscles tense.
"Louis... didn't tell me..."
She nodded quicker this time and glanced behind me again, where I only guessed Louis had gone, leaving both of us in a situation we didn't want to be in.
"Yea, no, he didn't tell me either." she chuckled, clearly uncomfortable. "Surprise, I guess."
We remained silent for a while and I started swaying gently on my toes. She finally closed her eyes and sighed, running her fingers in her long hair and somehow, it made my heart twitch.
"Look, Niall, I know it's late for this, but i'm so sorry."
I frowned but she kept talking.
"That fight was all on me, it was ridiculous, I shouldn't have insisted." she explained. "I'm so sorry for how things ended, Niall, I-I didn't want this."
Her apology hurt my heart and without thinking, I moved closer and grabbed her arms. The contact of my skin against hers was life changing, like electricity ran all over my body... like I was high on a drug I had never tried before. I knew she felt it too and she held her breath. My face was so close to hers I had to swallow and my lips parted but it took me a few seconds to talk.
"No, you really don't have to apologize, it was my fault, not yours." I whispered. "All mine."
From up close, I could smell her. She still used the same perfume as she always did, and it made memories invade my head. I remember the first time we met and how cold it was outside... and how bad I had wanted to kiss her. It made me realized I wanted it just as bad now, maybe more.
It felt wrong to be in her personal space and let go of her, feelings my palms burn again even if I wasn't touching her anymore. I took a step back and cleared my throat, forcing myself to look down.
"I'm surprised you're wearing a dress." I finally pointed out, trying to change the mood. "You look great, really."
She sent me an other smile, one that seemed slightly more sincere this time.
"Thank you, but you know me. If I could, i'd be here in my sweatpants." she pointed out, making me smile more. "The dress wasn't my idea."
I raised my eyebrows in surprise, relieved that we seemed to have a light conversation after being a bit emotional.
"Who's idea was it, then?"
She didn't have time to answer, I saw a tiny little girl run between us and wrap her arms around her thighs. I heard her laugh and looked up at her, but she was only looking at the kid.
"Mommy! Look!"
With an enthusiast face, the kid moved one of her arms up to show a doll who was already missing a shoe. I had a hard time to mend the pieces of what exactly was happening here but I watched her crouch down to discuss with the little girl. They hugged and she ran back to where she came from as my heart started beating harder in my chest. She had a kid and she was probably taken. I always suspected she had found someone else very quickly after we were over, but knowing it for sure hurt more than I thought it would. It was ridiculous, it's not like what we once had could ever come back. There was so much pain still left, so many things untold and unknown... this small encounter would only make things worse and I was scared that after today, even If i never saw her again, I would be even more scarred than I already was.
"That's your daughter?"
She nodded and her lips curled into a fond smile I had never seen on her. I held my breath a few seconds, trying to calm the thumps of my heart against my chest without much success. I've always enjoyed seeing her happy and it made me realize how bad I missed her laugh. Not a chuckle, or a giggle. A real laugh, the kind that echos on the wall and always seemed to reach my heart.
"So, you're married." I just pointed out, clearing my throat." How old is she?"
She raised her nose up in a grimace and chuckled, shaking her head from left to right. The sight made me smile despite myself and I stuck my hands in my pockets again, trying to restrain the need I suddenly had to be closer to her once more.
"No, I'm a single mom." she explained before her smile fell. "She's... she's four years and a half."
I couldn't explain how good it felt to hear she wasn't married, and I sort of felt bad for liking it. That's why it took me a while for the other fact to actually sink in. My lips fell and my eyes got bigger. Something stirred inside me, making me suddenly nauseous and I had to swallow the lump in my throat.
"She's four years and a half..." I repeated.
Even though it was clearly not a question, I watched her as she nodded slowly, suddenly extremely serious.
"She's gonna turn five in a few months."
I pressed my hand on my mouth and held my breath, bending down slowly as i felt myself tear up. This couldn't be real. This was not happening. I had a daughter and I wasn't even aware of it, and all that seemed to flash in my mind was the fact that I didn't see her when she was born or when she walked for the first time. I wasn't there when she said her first word, and that for her, I was a total stranger. Did she even know she has a dad? A dad that would have loved her and cared for her if only he had known she existed?
"You..."
I couldn't talk, I was incredibly hurt and so many thoughts were running in my mind that I wasn't sure I could handle any at the moment.
"I am so so sorry, Niall."
I didn't want to hear her apologies, and I didn't want to hear her excuses. I just wanted to lock myself somewhere to get my thoughts and mind back into place. My vision became blurry after a few seconds and that's exactly when my daughter came back. Just thinking about those two simple words made my heart threaten to jump out of my chest.
"Mommy! Freddie broke my doll!"
It hit me so hard that it felt like someone was twisting a knife in my already open wound.
"Louis knew..."
Her head raised up at my words and her eyes opened wide as she was trying to fix the doll in her hands. Her expression betrayed her and I felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach for a second time in the past 6 minutes.
Everything seemed to make sense suddenly. The reason why Louis would never talk about her or bring her up was obvious now. He couldn't or he would always risk to let out her secret. Lying to me was also not something he enjoyed and I guess he thought omitting something was not as bad as lying. But it was.
I closed my eyes and breathed in, trying to stop or at least calm the anger and hurt boiling inside me, but I couldn't help the feeling of loneliness flooding my body and mind. I felt sick and alone, and somehow, it felt like my ex girlfriend and my best friend had conspired in my back for the past five years.
Nothing could ever change that. Nothing could make that right. Nothing except maybe the love I already felt for a daughter I didn't even know.
HER
I knew that someday, i'd have to explain to my daughter what happened with her father, but i never thought it would happen so soon. I was slightly mad at Louis for literally pushing me into this meeting and forcing me to come face to face with Niall, but also with my own lies. I didn't understand why he did it. He could have done it years ago, why now?
I tried to push Louis out of my thoughts to focus on Niall, clearly as uncomfortable as I was, standing in front of me. I didn't remember the last time I felt so nervous and speechless, but having him so close after so long brought back memories and feelings I had tried to bury and ignore for years, and I wasn't sure I actually liked it.
He looked good, even better than in my memories, and even if I had tried to avoid him, his career and his music in the last years, looking at him after all this time still felt like home. Maybe the fact that I had a little child constantly reminding me of him helped keep the flame alive but it didn't matter. Niall was here and close, and the love I knew I had for him, even if i wouldn't admit before that it wasn't dead, was now burning my whole body and heart, threatening to leave only ashes. I'd be ready to give him my heart again even if the outcome would probably be as worse as the first time.
I felt the need to apologize for my behavior, but whenever I pronounced his name, my heart jumped in my chest. I felt like I hadn't heard it or said it outloud in so long it almost hurt to do it, but at the same time, it came so naturally and left a sweet after taste on my tongue.
A bunch of memories of when I would whimper his name rushed to my brain and made my heart jump. I could swear my cheeks turned a soft shade of red and I could try to blame it on the wine, but the thoughts made my whole body throb and my inside twist.
I always thought I had made the right choice to leave and let him live his life the way he deserved to. However, when he bent over slightly and seemed on the verge of tears, I felt incredibly guilty and bad for hiding it for so long. I could see the dimmed lights of the room make his eyes glisten and It really made me want to take him in my arms. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea so I just gave her doll back to my daughter and remained motionless, waiting for Niall to have an other reaction. Any would be good. He could even yell at me for what I had done, I wouldn't blame him. Instead. He shook his head and turned around to watch my daughter run back to the tree and he stared at her as she started playing with Freddie again.
"Louis has always known." he whispered, making me swallow an other lump of guilt with difficulty, before turning back to me. "He knew and he never told me."
"I made him promise not to tell you." I explained in a low tone, scared that my voice would crack. "I forced him. It's my fault."
It hit me that at some point, I was an important person in his life, and Louis was too. Niall had just realized that two of the persons he cared the most about had betrayed him, keeping a big and heavy secret from him, and I could understand it was hard to accept. I didn't even dare to hope he would ever forgive me.
I moved closer, placing my hand softly on his arm but he moved away and shook his head, rubbing his hand on his face for a while. He let out a few curse words and turned around, gripping his own hair and pulling on it. I shouldn't, but I felt endeared by the way he reacted, or perhaps it was simply from seeing some of his habits I was so used to see, yet had missed more than I thought.
"What's her name?" he finally asked after a few minutes, turning to me and diving his gaze into mine for a few seconds.
He looked sad and hurt and I did everything I could not to cry in front of him. For some reason, I felt like I didn't have the right to. He looked down and I swallowed again.
"Chelsea."
His head moved up roughly and he frowned. I knew he had a question burning his lips but he didn't ask. He just stared at me some more and breathed in, biting the inside of his cheek. I had never wished I could read his mind more than I did at that exact moment.
"Does she know about me?"
"She knows of you, but she doesn't know who you are."
Once again, he turned around on his heels slowly and moved back to face me, his hand holding the back of his neck. He stared at me and I couldn't hold all the tears anymore. I blinked and let a few fall down my cheeks without daring to wipe them off.
"When did you plan to tell me about her? When she'd insist more? When she'd be 18? Never?"
I didn't want to answer, and he guessed the truth because of my silence.
"Alright, never then." he said shaking his head.
I could feel he was getting angrier by the minute, but all I could focus on was the pain I heard in his voice every time his mouth would open. I would give anything to reassure him, but I knew that no matter what I did or said, it wouldn't make things better.
"I'm sorry, Niall." I whispered, making his face twist.
"Stop saying that." he almost begged before sighing extremely loud and leaving.
I watched him until he passed the door to go back to the cold weather without his coat and I shivered. I stared at the door for a few seconds until I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I didn't have to look, I knew it was Louis, and at this point, I was way past being mad at him for setting this up. Plus, I knew he'd have it tough with Niall, he didn't need me to make things even worse.
"Why did you do that, Lou?"
My voice was weak and I felt numb as his hand slipped on my arm gently. I swallowed and closed my eyes again. I couldn't explain to Niall why I kept him away. Back then, it seemed so obvious and legitimate but now, the aspects and reality I didn't want to see five years ago were right in front of me, and didn't seem to make any sense anymore.
"Because both of you were miserable. Because I felt like he deserved to know Chelsea. Because I felt like an impostor and a bad person for knowing his daughter and spending time with her when he didn't even know she existed." he explained low and slowly. "Because deep down, I'm sure you wanted him to know."
I remained silent and avoided his eyes again. All I could do was stare at the door in hope to see Niall walk back inside. Did I want Niall to know?
"It was not my place, or my choice to make, and I'm sorry." he added. "It was none of my business and I normally don't do that. I was wrong. But I can't say I regret it."
He was right, I knew he was, but admitting that was admitting I had failed. It was admitting that I was wrong and that I deprived Niall from so many memories and time with his daughter. I brought my hand to my mouth and did my best not to start sobbing.
"I'm not mad at you, Louis." I whispered, scared that i would start crying again if i talked louder. "I just hope he can forgive me one day."
"I hope he can forgive me too."
We remained silent for a while and Louis left for about a minute, bringing me back a full glass of wine that I swallowed a bit too quickly. It felt like we waited forever but I think my heart stopped completely when the door opened again. I held my breath, feeling my heart jump once against at Niall sight, and waited until he was back in front of me, He waited until Louis had left, without even sending him a glance.
His face was impassive and I licked my lips, suddenly nervous. His simple presence made my heartbeats accelerate and if you mixed that with the guilt I felt, it was even worse. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate or pass out.
"I want to see her. I want to spend time with her. I want her to know who I am." he just let out. "And you don't have the right to refuse. Not after what you did to me."
I waited a few seconds after he was done talking and nodded gently, still staring at him.
"Of course you can see her and tell her who you are, Niall." I expressed, feeling on the verge of tears again. "I'm never gonna stop you from seeing her. You're her father, and you'll always be."
#niall horan#niall horan fluff#niall horan fanfic#niall horan fan fic#niall horan fic#niall horan writing#niall horan story#niall#niall fluff#niall fic#niall fan fic#niall fanfic#niall story#niall writing#my fanfics
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ALL for crown.
I LOVE YOU
If your character wasn’t an adventurer, what livelihood would they lead?
Wouldn’t you want to know
Who in the party would your character trust the most with their life?
For now I can’t say for sure? From the ones he currently knows it’s hard to tell bc he trusts Love in a Personal Way but is lowkey convinced he’d sell him to Satan for a corn chip. And Gank seems p trustworthy in that regard but they have only briefly met each other
What are your character’s core moral beliefs?
No one gets to control or take away someone else’s autonomy
What relationship does your character have with their parents and siblings?
Parents? Hate ‘em. Siblings? H
Does your character have any biases for or against certain races?
Eeh, I don’t think so
What is your character’s opinion on nobility? On authority?
Take a wild guess ksvjfnskjv
He doesn’t think someone having authority is inherently bad but he hates every person in authority he’s ever known of so his opinion has been formed based on that
Describe your character’s current appearance: clothes, armor, scars they’ve picked up along the journey, etc.
I’m lazy. You know what she looks like
What location encountered in the campaign has your character felt the most “at home” in, or just generally liked the most?
Campaign hasn’t started yet so I can’t say anything about which locations visited she’s liked! She feels very comfortable at the spot we’re starting at tho
What deity, if any, does your character worship? What’s their opinion on other people’s worship?
Caenrys babey. She’s a bit weirded out by people who dedicate themselves to organized religion but in general she doesn’t stick her nose in others’ religious business
If your character had time to pick up any artisan’s tools, game set, instrument, etc., what would it be?
Artisan’s tools: I think he’d like glassblowing! Woodworking is cool too
Game set: playing cards probably
I don’t think he’s rlly interested in music as something he himself might perform vkjfnfksjn
Learning how to use a poisoner’s kit could be fun
Describe your character’s current relationship with the player character sitting to your right.
I’m not sitting next to anyone so I rolled for it and got Gank (@prophe-seer‘s character)
Crown likes Gank a lot! They only met like, once but they rlly got along. She feels a bit bad for them bc they seemed to think she was rlly nice and instead of considering she Might genuinely be nice she jumped to “oh shit the bar is fucking underground for this guy” skvjfnksjfvn. So she’s surprisingly attached. She wants them to have an actual friend bc it seems like they need it
What is your character’s current goal, summed up in one sentence?
I’m headed straight for the castle
Does your character ever want to “settle down” with a spouse, children, house, etc.?
Currently, no. She has a lot of dangerous shit to do and is too caught up on being A Free Spirit That Actually Gets To See The World to like,, consider settling down. And she hasn’t given any thought to what life she’ll have after her goals have been fulfilled.
But I’ve actually given some thought to this and I think she wants to make a family one day. Idk if it’ll include children (probably adopting older “problem” children tbh) or a spouse but she definitely wants to settle down with at least one pet
Has your character ever been in love?
H,
What battle in the campaign has been most memorable to your character?
Haven’t played yet!
If your character wasn’t whatever class they are, what would they be instead?
Probably a fighter skjvfnskjfvn or a paladin
What is your character’s favorite season?
Autumn! Lovs the cronch. Loves to get to cool down after summer
What would your character’s Zodiac sign be, following stereotypical astrology?
I actually already made this decision ksjfnkvsjn she’s an Aries. I remember liveblogging my decision making to a friend regarding this but i cant remember what it was and im lazy
Where in the world does your character most want to visit?
Oh you know
What is the biggest mistake your character has ever made?
Oh you know,
Does your character have any noticeable scars? If so, what are their stories?
Probably not!
What animal best represents your character?
Wolf,
If your character could go back in time and change one thing about their life, what would it be?
Oh you know,,,,
Which other player character does your character find themselves having the most in common with?
Not sure yet!
Does your character regret any particular choice the party has made?
idk yet ksvfsjfv
What would your character say their best trait would be?
uuuh i dont think he thinks of himself in positive terms a lot skvnksjfvn
he’d probably name his strength or smth like that
What is your character’s greatest fear? Deep, irrational?
Oh, you know!
What is currently motivating your character to stay with the party?
I don’t know cause we don’t have the plot hook yet
What are your character’s hobbies and interests outside of their class?
he likes collecting small trinkets and going to festivals and thats. about it
What would most people think when they first see your character?
“Oh shit sexy”
What stereotypical group role does your character play in the party? (The Mom, the Mess, the Comic Relief, etc. Optionally: What role would your character play in the “Five Man Band” structure?)
Surprisingly, I think it’s The Mom skjvfnksnvksjnvf he seems to be really going in the “What The Fuck. Are You Okay. I Must Protect You”
But also he’s absolutely the mess
In a five man band he’s the leader, lancer and big guy all at once. Probably the lancer tho
What is your character the most insecure about?
He’s completely unable to see himself as a kind person worthy of tenderness
What person does your character admire most?
Gaylia!!! He thinks she’s so strong and cool
What does your character admire and dislike the most about the player character sitting to your left?
Going for Love since I talked about Gank already. He bedrudgingly admires how cunning and People Smart Love can be. Absolutely hates how much of a Bastard he is and how hot he is
Why is your character’s lowest stat their lowest (the in-character reason, not “because there’s no reason for a wizard to have 16 strength, duh”)?
Both int and wis are at a -2!
Wisdom: he wasn’t uh. raised in a way where he rlly got to learn the ways of people’s minds, or do anything but repress his own feelings. and once he was out on his own he was so focused on being a reckless fool he never even tried to change that
Intelligence: He has big adhd and always had a hard time learning. Instead of being supported he was yelled at and punished for stupidity. He retaliated by refusing to keep trying. So now he’s dumb
What would be your character’s theme song/favorite band/favorite genre of music?
I have an entire playlist for him please look at it I worked so hard on it-
I think most relevant are Castle by Halsey and Emperor’s new clothes by p!atd. I think he would also associate those songs with himself and really like them. Royals by Lorde is also up there for sure. And Rise from League of Legends
What stereotypical role would your character play in a high school AU/if they attended a normal high school? (Nerd, jock, bully, goth, etc.)
Goth jock.
What treasure/item/artifact that your character has collected during the adventure is the most important to them?
Not particularly precious to him and not in the adventure since we haven’t played yet but he has Love’s broken antler skvjfnksjfv
Is there any particular weapon, item, etc. that your character longs to find?
Oh you know
Where does your character feel the most at home?
Gaylia’s place probably,
Does your character care about how they’re perceived by others? How do they change themselves to fit in with other people?
She’s built her entire identity around refusing to give a fuck, however in truth she probably actively tries to be seen as rebellious and maybe intimidating
What does your character think is the true meaning of life?
Bold of you to imply she thinks that much
What is your character’s scent? (Bonus points for a description that sounds like it could be from a bad [or awesome] fanfic.)
Roses, lilies and musk ( have no clue if those go well together)
Does your character think more with their heart or their brain?
Heart, absolutely
What is your character’s most recent or frequent nightmare?
haha,,,, ha,,,,,,, h
What opinion does your character have on [CERTAIN ESTABLISHED GROUPS/AUTHORITIES IN THE GAME WORLD]? (Dragonmarked Houses, royal crown, etc.)
Wouldn’t you like to know
How did your character spend their childhood? Where did they grow up/who were their childhood friends?
What aspect of your character’s future are they most curious about? (If they could know one thing about the future, what would it be?)
I will keep that to myself!
What colors are associated with your character?
Who in the party would your character prioritize rescuing, in dire circumstances?
Love,,
Is your character the most swayed by ethos, pathos, or logos?
Pathos
If your character was granted a single use of Wish, what would they use it for?
I will keep that to myself!
What is your character’s favorite spell? If they don’t use spells: what is their favorite personal weapon/combat maneuver/skill/etc.?
She has spells and enjoys using them (probably mostly eldritch blast) but nothing beats her good trusty zweihander
How does your character feel about keeping secrets from the rest of the party?
She has no qualms with it ksvjfnskfjv
What type of creature in the world is your character the most intrigued by?
Love I dunno, snakes? Snakes are weird
When they were a child, what did your character want to be, or think they were going to be, when they grew up?
I don’t think Crown thought she was gonna make it to her 20s
The player character to your left admits that they’re passionately in love with your character. How would your character respond?
I rolled and got Gank skfvnksjvfn
I think he’d be flustered and flattered and be like “oh! we can. certainly try dating! but I can’t say I return your feelings right now. uh. sorry,,,”
If somebody (an NPC, someone from their backstory, etc.) your character trusts/loves asked your character to do something against the party’s best interest, who would they side with?
Ah,,,
That’s a very complicated question that depends on many factors I’m afraid
Does your character value their own best interest more than the party’s?
He wants to think he does, at least skvjnskvjf
What decision would the party have to make in order for your character to consider splitting off from the group?
Who knows!
How does your character imagine the way they will die?
Doing something stupid, completely alone
What is your character’s greatest achievement?
Making it to 25 honestly svkjnksfjnv
Is your character willing to risk the well-being of others in order to achieve their goal?
Depends on who those others are
What is your character’s opinion on killing others?
Sure why not let’s do it man
What is your character’s favorite food? Beverage?
Pizza and orange juice?
How generous is your character? Especially to those they don’t know?
Surprisingly generous! Maybe not so much with money but she’s always willing to lend a helping hand
What is your character the most envious about, regarding anyone in the party?
I don’t understand this question svknskjfv
The player character to your left and the player character to your right are both telling your character two different versions of the truth. Who does your character believe?
Again I keep choosing between Gank and Love bc they’re the only ones she knows kjfvnskjfvn I mean. it depends. if it’s on something Important I think she’ll side with Love but in general she’s more likely to believe Gank
What is your character’s sexuality/relationship with sex?
Big bisexual, first of all!
She actually has a complicated relationship with sex! Being in any kind of Intimate Situation used to be very triggering for her. But she worked through it and now she’s. Horny
What is your character’s biggest pet peeve?
When people leave without paying their part.
Describe how your character feels about the party’s current situation/objective/etc.
Shit man I dunno we have no plan
Who in the party would your character trust the most to keep an important secret?
Love is the only one she’s known long enough to build any meaningful trust with svknskfv
If your character knew that they were going to die in a month, how would they spend the rest of their life?
Probably with his only genuine friend, trying to live life to the fullest kvjfnskfv,
What makes your character feel safe?
Being fully aware of his surroundings with easy access to his sword
If your character had the chance to rename the party/give the party a name, no questions asked, what would it be?
No party yet!
What memory does your character want to forget the most?
H,
If your character had to multiclass into a class they currently aren’t the next time they level up, what would it be and what reason would they have for doing so?
Fukinuh. Paladin? He rlly likes Caenrys and is like “fuck it let’s do another combat charisma-based thing”
What television/book/video game/etc. character would your character be best friends with? (Or: what media character is your character the most influenced by/similar to?
He was heavily influenced by a webcomic character but i will keep Who a secret just in case it makes people figure stuff out skvnskvn
What unusual talents does your character possess?
Really good at doing things without looking, apparently skfjvnsfv
How does your character feel about receiving/giving orders? Are they more of a leader, or a follower?
Giving orders is. Kinda hot
Receiving orders? Die
What does your character’s name represent to them? (Or: why as a player did you choose your character’s name?)
Among other things, Crown’s name represents her proclaiming herself as someone with full authority, if anything, over herself. She’s claiming at every moment a position of power and I think that’s very sexy of her
Is your character more of an introvert, or an extrovert?
Ambivert, probably! Loves people but may get overwhelmed being around them too much
How far is your character willing to go to pursue the “greater good”? Do they believe in a greater good at all?
In theory she doesn’t believe in the greater good but she lies to herself so who knows what she’d do when push comes to shove skjvfnksjfv
What does your character want to be remembered by?
It’s complicated and I’m too lazy to explain it, especially without spoiling anything
What would be your character’s major in college?
He’d shrivel and die in an academic setting pal
Does your character consider themselves a hero, villain, or something else?
It’s complicated,,
Let’s say hero and keep it there
What major arcana tarot card best represents your character?
I’m between The Fool and The Magician. Strength is also fun
Where does your character see themselves in 20 years?
Oh, you know!
What is your character’s relationship with magic? Are they scared of it, wish to know more about it, indifferent to it?
Magic is,,, kinda hot!
Who is your character’s biggest rival?
Love ksjvfnksjfvkjsfv
What is your character’s guiltiest pleasure?
Bold of you to imply he feels guilt over anything pleasurable
What does your character hope for the afterlife?
He doesn’t think about that
Who in the party does your character trust the least?
Just as he trusts Love the most he also trusts him the least. Shady bastard
What is your character’s biggest flaw?
-2 wisdom
How did your character learn the languages that they speak?
Uh. Growing up and being raised?
What is your character’s favorite school of magic/type of weaponry?
GREATSWORD AND EVOCATION BABY
What is most important to your character: health, wealth, or happiness?
Happiness
What advice would your character give to a younger version of themselves?
“There’s power in your anger. Take action before it gets worse”
Are there any social or political issues your character feels strongly about?
It’s hard to explain bc I don’t know Politics Words
What, currently, is your character the most curious about?
;)
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Hi love. Congratulations on another milestone. People are discovering what a precious gem you are. I don't normally request anything ever but can I request 101 with Im Jaebum as an angsty*cough cough* smut, ehem...Here's to more and more people finding a girl who loves Park Chanyeol and Jung Hoseok with everything she is. And whose writing will being you to your knees. Love you Kat ♥♥♥♥
jfasjfalkfjl there is some smut here but like its mostly angst? i cant set up good smangst in a drabble format someone teach omg I LOVE YOU!
Prompt: 101: You don’t hate me, quit lying to yourself. Pairing: Jaebum x Reader (oc; female)Summary: After your breakup with Jaebum, you run into him at a bar and realize that old habits die hard. Genre: angst; some light smutRating: RWarnings: explicit language; mentions of breathplay; dirty talk; sexual situationsWord Count: 1,725
The day he left was the day, for you, the world died. Or perhaps, it did not die rather, it simply withered. Time passing around you made you understand that you were aging, becoming consumed by the weight of existence, but your mind found it terribly difficult to care about such a thing when your world was already filled with ghosts. In the kitchen, he lingered, smiling wide and laughing as he made pancakes - badly, and burning them into malformed shapes. In the shower, you could smell him, feel his fingers as they moved through your hair and his skin as he pressed his chest against your back.
Your bed, you thought, was the worst graveyard of all. Beneath the slip of the pillowcases, the down feathers refused to release the indent of his head, anxiously awaiting his return and stubborn in their desire to hold his body close. Wide awake and too aware of your loneliness, the frazzled edges of your heart refused to truly let you recline into the mattress, the springs your dirt and the blankets your coffin. Still, though, you could feel him, feel the even rise of his chest lift the blankets like a phantom limb.
For days afterward, you slept on the couch, told yourself to stop drinking, told yourself to switch to coffee. One night, you left a mason jar full of cold water on the fire escape, told yourself the moon would saturate the molecules and turn you into something cosmic, something transcendent - really, all you were trying to do was leave your corporal form behind. Even when he still wanted to touch you, even when he was here and you thought maybe things were going to be fine, your body had already started to feel like a cage.
It’s these things, you think, that push you out of the mausoleum that is your apartment and into the bar. With heavy footsteps you walk, the pattern strange and uneven as though walking is a task you will have to relearn simply because his hand is not there to hold yours, to a table in the far corner. It’s dim here, dark enough to forget yourself and dark enough to pretend that you don’t mind.
Without the harsh light of a brightly lit, forcibly happy place, you think you can almost move on, think that you can become the person you always wanted to be - the person you thought you were. After one drink, you become an oracle; after two, you become a priest, thanking God and thanking yourself for being strong enough to leave, to remake yourself in public even though you cannot even see yourself. Truthfully, it does not matter if you have reassembled all your parts in all the wrong places. All that matters is that the needle did not hurt.
The anesthetic of the third drink is fading when he walks in, alone and boyish in the way he stands, as if this kind of pain were a casual thing. At first, he does not see you, and you take this opportunity to take him in.
Even at this distance, the scar on his forehead is the first thing you see - or, perhaps, you see it simply because you know it is there. Your lips have kissed that scar, in the harsh light of the sun, in darkness, even in the rain. Your mouth knows its curvature, and, because of this, you think your endearment towards it is deadly. Still, though, you do not mind. Condensation builds on the glass of your drink was you watch him, sweating the same way your skin perspires, melting at the sight of him. Typical, really.
At first you see the scar but it’s the angle of his lips, the sharp turn of his cupid’s bow that makes your gaze linger, turns your gaze from lazy remembrance to the penetration of desire. Your thumbs have felt those lips, tugged at their plumpness and pulled at them with your teeth - you have come against that mouth, hard and long, and with his name on your lips as your hand fisted in his thick hair.
It’s this memory that makes your lips part and your breath halt. It’s during this memory that he decides to turn your way. And, even in the dark, his eyes still find you. Even in the dark, even in all your wrong shapes, you still want him.
When his hands are pressed flat against your back, hot and fingers pressing bruises in the muscles, you start to question how you got here. Somehow, you made it to his car, to the driver’s seat with your knees on either side of his hips and his seat reclined all the way back. The position is awkward, uncomfortable, fitting for how you are now, but you don’t really have it in you to mind. Against your thigh, you can feel the thick hardness of his cock pressing against you as he moves. This is what grounds you to the moment, this and the wetness that pools in your underwear at his touch.
The position is awkward but his mouth against yours is not. His lips, even after all this time, are skilled and remember yours, remember how to fit with yours, as though they are still a puzzle piece made just for you. He’s made it clear they are no longer yours to kiss, but tonight he does not seem to care nor does he want to stop you. Tonight, he kisses you as a means of possession, as though he means to take hold of you and break you apart for the sole purpose of moving inside. Tonight, if he tells you he loves you, you will believe him, even though you know he does not. Not anymore.
In your mouth, his tongue is needy. His hands glide down your back, nails scratching hard enough to leave marks - you welcome them. They slide past the waistband of your jeans, burying beneath the cloth and cupping your ass to push you down onto his covered cock. Both of you break apart to gasp at the sensation, pulling back enough to look at each other - really look and see into one another’s eyes.
‘Jae -’ you begin, but he cuts you off.
‘We were always good at this, weren’t we?’
For a moment, you’re distracted by the redness of his lips and the harsh line of his brow. Stern, is how you always said he looked. At this moment, he looks statuesque, like something made of marble, and your soul starts to ache at the knowledge of why you ended to begin with.
‘Sex isn’t the same as feeling,’ you breathe, resting your forehead against his as you struggle to slow your heart rate. It would be best, you think, if you could remove your hands from his hair. You hesitate, though, because he always did look best with your fingers messing up his style.
‘I feel you right now,’ he says, thrusting up against you as if to prove his point. ‘Why can’t that be enough?’
With a moan, you nestle your face into his neck and suck at his pulse. Beneath your lips he is vital, alive, absolutely flourishing in his desire for you, but this was the only time you ever felt connected, felt like he cared. This was the only time he ever felt like something living, like something yours, and you squeeze your eyes shut as you try to speak.
‘Because it doesn’t last.’
Eventually, his pulse will slow. Eventually, things will return to how they used to be. Whatever this is, you don’t think you could survive it twice.
‘The feel of your cunt around my cock always lasts.’ Once more his fingers press into your ass, and you know that if he could, he would spank you hard enough to leave a mark.
‘Jaebum,’ you hiss, biting your lip as you pull away from his neck.
He pulls one hand away from your ass to rest it against your throat, tilting your head back to expose the length of your neck to him. Fear should come into play here, you know that it always should, but even when he presses against you, even when your breath becomes limited, you only ever feel a cascading swell of adoration wash over you. If anyone could control your breath, you think, it should only ever be Jaebum.
‘You always so malleable,’ he says, and you think the word does not fit, think it might be wrong as first. But then, for him, you always did bend to fit his will.
And, because you always bend, you still let him into your house - the house you once shared.
With his body beneath the sheets, the bed comes alive once more. It creaks as it smacks into the wall, as the springs bounce beneath his thrusts. He sweats against you and fucks into you like he’s never had you before, like it’s your wedding night and a way to say goodbye all at once. He fucks you into ash, fucks you into dust. Jaebum fucks you like he’s stopping time itself and erasing you altogether. His cock is buried deep inside you when you come, clutching at his shoulders and eyes wide open, yet seeing nothing.
From you lips, his name spills - loud and broken and splintered, and he swallows it whole, much the same way he swallows your heart.
Your hands shake in the morning after he leaves, your fingerprints tainted and stained with the feel of him, and forced to tap out a text to him against the cold glass screen. As if this feeling would be consolation, as if this feeling could match the burn of his skin.
YN[8:02 AM]: i fucking hate you for what you did to meJB[8:03 AM]: what did i doYN[8:05 AM]: fucked me like i mattered to youJB[8:09 AM]: i told you we were only ever good at sexYN[8:11 AM]: ur such a fucking shitYN[8:13 AM]: i fucking hate youJB[8:14 AM]: you dont hate meJB[8:14 AM]: quit lying to yourself
He is right, you know. The only thing you truly hate is how much you love him.
#jaebum x reader#kpoptrashtag#kwriterskollection#noonanet#jaebum angst#jaebum au#jaebum fanfic#jaebum scenario#jb angst#jb scenario#got7 scenario#got7 fanfic#im jaebum#impossiblepossibledisasters
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92 questions tag !!
tagged by @honeyjihoons ;; thank you so much renee aaa!!
tagging : @nynnphadoratonks ;; @theyremarigolds ;; @rosegoldlesbo ;; @starrybangtagoncteen ;; @howlingremus ;; @peachgfs ;; anyone else that wants to do this!!
THE LAST:
1. Drink: orange juice
2. Phone call: my friend who’s not on tumblr
3. Text message: “i hate decisions”
4. Song you listened to: good for you ;; eric nam
5. Time you cried: after watching a ten minute loop of jihoon’s lines in don’t listen in secret (yeah i know im awful)
HAVE YOU:
6. Dated someone twice: nnnno oh my god
7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nah
8. Been cheated on: no!
9. Lost someone special: yep!
10. Been depressed: haaa yes
11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no!
LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:
12-14: pastel greeny-blue (#7AC6B0), the color of my icon, nd regal purple !!
IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends: yea !
16. Fallen out of love: yea !
17. Laughed until you cried: hsdfns yeah i tend to uhhhh do that a lot
18. Found out someone was talking about you: yea ! hsfjds they said i seemed ‘’’’fake’’’’ which,,, ok
19. Met someone who changed you: yeaaa
20. Found out who your friends are: heck yeah
21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: i uhh dont have a facebook
GENERAL:
22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: re : i uhh dont have a facebook
23. Do you have any pets: no :(
24. Do you want to change your name: my real name? yes. definitely
25. What did you do for your last Birthday: aaa i invited a bunch of my friends over nd we watched a sad movie that actually wasn’t as much sad as angering nd then we put up a bunch of seventeen prints in my room and just hung out for the rest of the day nd ate pizza !! it was super fun im lov my friends
26. What time did you wake up: around 8:00 am
27. What were you doing at midnight last night: writing!!
28. Name something you can’t wait for: ,,,finishing school
29. When was the last time you saw your mom: earlier today
30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: aaa i wish i hadn’t been so quiet earlier because now everyone thinks of me as the shy nd boring one even though i actually like,, never shut up now
31. What are you listening right now: bone + tissue ;; gallant
32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: well his real name is thomas and he went by tommy until like,, this year but yes i think ?
33. Something that is getting on your nerves: cornell notes >:(
34. Most visited Website: hhhck tumblr
LAST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME
35. Mole/s: 1 on the right side of my chin nd 1 by one of my collarbones (i can’t remember which one and im too lazy to look hsfjd)
36. Mark/s: i have uhhh a lot of scars :)
37. Childhood dream: i wanted to be an author aaa
38. Haircolor: literally,,, jet black
39. Long or short hair: short !!
40. Do you have a crush on someone: someone that i know personally? no
41. What do you like about yourself: uh. my puns
42. Piercings: just my ears !!
43. Bloodtype: i think either a positive or b positive
44. Nickname: meena’s a nickname, uhh also minu nd mom (in a non-kinky way)
45. Relationship status: single
46. Zodiac: cancer !!
47. Pronouns: she/her
48. Favorite TV Show: brooklyn nine nine (im sO excited for season 5)
49. Tattoos: none !!
50. Right or left hand: right!
51. Surgery: uhh none
52. Hair dyed in different color: it was a lil blue at one point but other than that Nothing
53. Sport: i used 2,,, dance
55. Vacation: i went to yellowstone this year !! other than that i’ve uhh been to san diego ? and india a lot but i dont count that as vacation
56. Pair of trainers: converse !
MORE GENERAL:
57. Eating: uhh i had an apple earlier today
58. Drinking: water
59. I’m about to: write a Thing
61. Waiting for: death to take me hixtape
62. Want: 2 be loved
63. Get married: mid-late twenties ? honestly it’s not a big priority in my life so
64. Career: a psychologist !!
WHICH IS BETTER?
65. Hugs or kisses: hugs!!
66. Lips or eyes: eyes
67. Shorter or taller: for friends shorter so that i can make fun of them but,,, in a relationship taller because it’s harder to find people shorter than me
68. Older or younger: older !
70. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms ?
71. Sensitive or loud: hhhhck idk sensitive i guess
72. Hook up or relationship: relationship !!
73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker because im shy so if the person is hesitant nothing will ever happen
HAVE YOU EVER:
74. Kissed a stranger: no !!
75. Drank hard liquor: nope
76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: y e a
77. Turned someone down: uhh yeah
78. Sex on the first date: nnno (no judgement if that’s ur thing though)
79. Broken someone’s heart: god i hope not
80. Had your heart broken: platonically Yea
81. Been arrested: nnnno
82. Cried when someone died: yepp
83. Fallen for a friend: hsjfdsd yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
84. Yourself: nah
85. Miracles: kinda?
86. Love at first sight: nah
87. Santa Claus: nope
88. Kiss in the first date: hsdfjsd no im too shy
89. Angels: maybe
OTHER:
90. Current best friends name: aanya !!
91. Eye color: suuuper dark brown like,, almost black
92. Favorite movie: is the lion king an acceptable answer
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Every odd question!
Thats.... a few questions.
1: when youhave cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?
more cereal cause I don’t really like the taste of milk
3: whatrandom objects do you use to bookmark your books?
plane tickets. all the time.
5: are youself-conscious of your smile?
yep, cause my top lip pulls up and shows like all of my gum and I hate it
7: do youname your plants?
I would if I had plants but I don’t so
9: do youlike singing/humming to yourself?
all the time.
11: what's aninner joke you have with your friends?
‘the creative process’
13: what'ssomething that made you smile today?
a friend tagged me in a thing
15: go google aweird space fact and tell us what it is!
if a star passes too close to a blackhole, it gets pulled apart
17: what colordo you really want to dye your hair?
maybe black cause I think it’d look really different (my hair is red, for reference)
19: do you keepa journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?
I don’t but I probably should.
21: talk aboutyour favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that youlove to pieces.
its a green backpack that I got for christmas 2013 and it goes with me everywhere. to uni, to work (well it used too), to friends houses, travelling - that back has seen some shit.
23: what's yourfavorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?
watch star wars. like all star wars - well not all star wars cause I can’t always stand the prequels. they’re kinda cringey
25: what's theweirdest place you've ever broken into?
the cafeteria at uni on a weekend when I didn’t realise it wouldn’t be open and I wanted to get to a vending machine
27: what's yourfavorite bubblegum flavor?
strawberry, I don’t really chew bubblegum that much
29: what'ssomething really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?
emma bakes. and lets me eat it. and its great.
31: what isyour opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep withsocks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk aboutsocks.
I can’t sleep with socks, but I do love them. fluffy socks are like my favourite cause sock slides. I rarely wear matching socks cause I don’t match them up when I put them in my drawer.
33: what's yourfave pastry?
chocolate croissants. all the way.
35: do you likestationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?
I fucking love stationary. I buy too much of it and don’t use it enough, but I still love it.
37: do you likekeeping your room messy or clean?
I like it clean, but I hate cleaning it.
39: what colordo you wear the most?
green.
41: what's thelast book you remember really, really loving?
fangirl by rainbow rowell
43: who was thelast person you gazed at the stars with?
my school friends I went camping with.
45: do youtrust your instincts a lot?
sometimes. it depends on the situation.
47: what fooddo you think should be banned from the universe?
pineapple. or tomatoes. or peas. I hate a lot of things.
49: do you likebuying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?
yeah I do. the last cd I bought was the hamilton mixtape.
51: think of aperson. what song do you associate with them?
I literally can think of no one. like no one at all
53: have youever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulpfiction? what do you think of them?
rocky horror and heathers I have seen. I thought they were both super weird but I kinda loved them both.
55: what's themost dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?
taken my shirt off in class
57: go listento bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenactthe lyrics?
I even do the guitar.
59: what's yourfavorite myth?
I don’t really have one?
61: what's thestupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?
I gave a friend of mine a horse calender and some weird bachelorette party stuff for his birthday. and then for my birthday a different friend gave me two massive bags of chocolate chips.
63: are youfussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized orkinda leave them be?
im more fussy about when my sister doesn’t put them back when she takes them out of my room.
65: is thereanyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?
Isaac. the little bitch constantly bails.
67: how dogloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?
super cozy. I love it.
69: what areyour favorite board games?
I dont really have a favourite board game, but Im always down to play pretty much any board game someone suggests.
71: what's yourfavorite kind of tea?
I dont really like tea
73: what aresome of your worst habits?
I pick at my acne and its given me a shit ton of scars.
75: tell usabout your pets!
I have a cat called Lucy who is a little cuddle shit and I love her.
77: pink oryellow lemonade?
neither.
79: what's oneof the cutest things someone has ever done for you?
the guy who I went to formal with asked me through song and it was adorable.
81: describeone of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.
... windows to the soul? I dunno.
83: what's someof your favorite album art?
don’t have any.
85: do you readcomics? what are your faves?
I don’t.
87: what aresome movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?
star wars. and the lego movie.
89: are youclose to your parents?
my mum more than my dad.
91: where doyou plan on traveling this year?
nowhere fancy this year, but probably melbourne again at some stage.
93: what's thehairstyle you wear the most?
pony tail or braids.
95: what areyour plans for this weekend?
rehearsal and visiting my grandparents.
97: myer briggstype, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?
esfj, scorpio and hufflepuff
99: list somesongs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.
almost everything from dear evan hansen.
Thanks for the questions lovely :)
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Dark Seeker's history summer/ early autum
There’s not much point doing this blog if i don’t tell you everything thats happened so far. It was 2013 i discovered creepypasta. It was an innocent enough mistake. i spelled a word wrong... yes all my pain and suffering was caused by a fucking spelling mistake. Maybe i shouldn't of hated on that miserable sarcastic teaching assistant that tortured me every Wednesday before swimming class. Maybe my lazy ass should've paid attention.
Anyway it was me looking for a thrill. You know, a scary game to scare the shit out of myself. So i typed in "scaryest game on the internet". Despite the agony its almost funny to think that such an innocent mistake would ruin my life. The "word" scaryest brought me to the more sinister games. Im guessing it was like a deep web link or something similar because it brought me to the dodgy games. Like for an example it brought me to a game, can't even remember what its called. i couldn't find it again even after a long deep search. It had this image on it:
(smile Jeff)
i played the game. i didn't understand it very much. i reversed the image search, brought me to "smile Jeff" a combination of two images, a recreation of the real smile dog picture and the original Jeff the killer song. For some odd reason smile dog didn't interest me at first. The picture was creepy for sure but the name Jeff the killer seemed more interesting. Stupidly enough i did some research on Jeff the killer. the worst mistake of my life. i read a story named "go to sleep" yep thats right, the original Jeff the killer story, the one that tells how he became the way he is. its harder to find nowadays. The part when Jeff carved a smile in his face and burnt off his eyelids shocked me. baring in mind i was only in my early 11 years of age. i wasn't supposed to read that stuff. i remember shaking. literally shaking. i was genuinely shocked, scared. It scarred me but for some odd reason it wasn't enough. i waited three days telling everyone "i read this terrifying story" that was until i finished primary school which was after 3 days. The whole summer holidays was in front of me as well as a new secondary school. It was like everything was set up to fail. That summer i looked deeper and deeper staying up late looking at more creepypastas. Jeff was always my favourite. None of the others did it for me like he did. when i went on holiday to jersey the hotel there had about 5 acres of grounds. It had a forest, fields, and a really large patio area (like really large) where the wine cellar was and where they grew herbs and everything. The best part (at the time) was that it was always empty. The only part that really ever got used was the pool area. the other areas during the later afternoon where always empty. It had different layers and everything with a well and small little cottages, some of the places in the grounds were so rural it felt like a country village. and of course in the evening everything was empty. By then i had discovered a new favorite creepy pasta: the Rake. i used to go rake hunting in the woods next to the manor/hotel. i used to have great fun scaring the crap out of myself. now for those out there who are big into creepypasta stuff. you'll know that there's another one, a big one, one that usually sits next to the rake in terms of myths and fandom. Yes thats right: the Slender man.
this one made me almost forget all the others. From a first glance, one glance thats all it took: i was engrossed. For the next day i didn't go out exploring. i stayed in reading about him, everything i could spend hours reading stories, doing "research". The next time i went out something felt very off and as i walked around i felt like i was being watched. i shrugged it off as paranoia but returned to my families room soon after because it just felt too bad. On the final day of the holiday me and my family took a hike in the area near the ferry port. The whole thing felt weird. The fenced off woods intrigued me. something drew me closer. By now i was already playing the mass of slender man games on the app store.
When i got home it was non-stop slender man, short films, stories not even on creepypasta, stories on creepypasta and looking at pictures, videos, everything i could get my thumbs on. i thought it wasn't real. Some of you may scoff at this. Most people today "know" he isn't real. Every fucking website: "oh he was created on the something awful forums, na na na"
i wanted to believe in it, i wanted to think it was all real. It would be exiting, if i was stalked it would make my life a fun adventure. The stupid innocent ignorance of a fucking 11 year old. That was when he appeared in my dream. i cant remember the dream anymore, i have a few visions. One was an empty mossy swimming pool surrounded by thick dark woods, and he was standing in the entrance to the forest. i woke up. i wasn't scared, i was almost exited, but something suppressed that feeling almost. i cant describe it, it was a feeling of difference, the whole room didn't seem right like something was off, horribly off. i was in my room, but i wasn't. i got to sleep eventually. But had another dream. i was in a field, woods surrounding it with overgrown brown grass, the sky was blue and it was sunny, it was sweet. There were other people if i remember rightly but ill never forget the tree in the middle of the field. i went up to it and the best way to describe it is that on the tree, a suit and tie were carved on in the right place like the tree would come alive any moment. My dad woke me up. today we were going to some boats race thing. Hundreds of people were going to be there. i can remember telling my dad i had a bad dream but didn't tell him what it was. he by now knew of my creepy pasta addiction. Luckily, or at least lucky at the time, right next to the massive field next to the river there was a large dark forest. i played around in there. i was looking for him of course. surprisingly the forest felt calm.
The day was going fine. If i remember they had a BBQ on the main field anyway, or they were selling hot dogs or something. Anyway, the day was good. That was until i had to go to an aunts' birthday party. Some people got drunk if i remember rightly and everyone was "partying" a little too hard for middle-aged people. i spent most of the night outside in the pub garden staring into the dark trees thinking about slender man. i told my grandma and one of my aunts about slenderman, and they couldn't stop laughing. i was slightly annoyed by this i dont know why.
By the way if you're wondering how i can remember all this, which if sure you are it's because i have a high functioning form of autism. no I’m not a retard, the opposite in fact, i have a high IQ but do find it hard in social situations and other minor things like that. i can remember when i was 6 for goodnes’s sake. i have a good memory, its never been bad, it's been blurry at times, usually when im... when is... yeah
but anyway i was happy to go home, it had been a long day. as we were driving home i had the sudden urge to look out the window, and there he was, standing there on the pavement. i had never been more shocked in my life, but the thing i remember is confusion. i dont know why but i was more surprised than scared.
The rest of the summer was okay i guess, a lot of homework that my new secondary had set (how brutal is that, i hadn't even attended a day at the school, and they gave summer homework) and of course long nights looking at slender man stories. One i remember well is "the rocking chair" i cant find it again but it was about a rocking chair on a campsite and whoever sat in it at night would encounter slender man. i dont know why i remember that one. i was fully obsessed reading creepiest one after the other. By now they were regular stories, i wasn't scared, i was reading stories at 11 that are supposed to frighten fucking adults. i look back on it now. Maybe i didn't realize what i was doing but now i know. i was harming myself: psychologically.
School began. Or should i say hell began. The academy i attended was brutal, vicious. no one liked me. i jumped from being fairly popular in primary (people liked me because i was quirky) to being the laughingstock and the loser of not just the class, not just my year group. no we are talking about the whole fucking school. for goodnes’s sake, pupils that came from my primary didn't even like me anymore. a girl i danced with in the school disco sort of thing didn't even like me, they turned me away, i was an embarrassment. i tried to fit in but i couldn't. i tried to joke, i tried to laugh, i tried to join in conversations, but they would all turn me down as a "gay weirdo". Its painful looking back on it. i was so confused at the time. i knew no one, not the teachers, all my friends were gone and the ones that did go to the same school turned me away too engrossed in their new friends. i would just sit there at break and read creepypastas in the corner. It was an escape from hell. By now i started getting slender sickness, nose bleeds, coughing fits, nausea, ringing in my ears. and i shadow would follow me everywhere, a tall wispy dark shadow with long arms that would stand in the corner of the recreation ground at break and just watch me disappearing each time a looked directly at it. it would follow me home, i would see it outside, in town. i wanted answers. i knew it was slender man, i knew he was after me. i had the sickness, the obsession, i saw him, i got detentions all the time. i couldn't concentrate in class. Either i tried to make conversation with the boy next to me, he seemed fairly... different... so i trusted him. he didn't make fun of me like the others. By now my new nickname was weirdo. i didn't choose the nickname. i minded my own business. The first week i tried to make friends went so wrong i just sat in the corner at breaks and minded my own business, sometimes silently crying about the lesson beforehand when someone had humiliated me or picked on me for no reason. But still they came up to me and made fun of me then. i remember i had two spots i would hide. There was a pathway that went off the main recreation space up to a fire exit, i would sit by the fire exit door away from everyone watched everyone have fun, laughing, joking, groups of kids like me walking around with their friends. i had no one. no one but my stupid creepypastas. i had imaginary friends too. Tommy, cal, they were all i had, and they weren't even fucking real. My other place was behind the fence. There was a gate next to the football pitches that entered a small area behind a wooden fence. i was the only person who ever went there. after all who else would go behind some tall wooden fences into that small isolated space. i wouldn't eat lunch, the cafeteria was a spot for bullying. no one would let me sit down. i began to become really skinny. But i felt better behind a wooden fence where no one could find me than eating. At this point my obsession with slender man took over everything. in school any opportune to write about something, draw something, anything optional, it would always be about slender man. My life was breaking down. Detentions every day. i almost liked them. It was stop me from going outside. i think the teachers knew: they would send me out early to socialize. Socialize with whom? i had no friends. i only had enemies. People wouldn't let me sit down. they would shout at me tell me to fuck off. If i walked past people they would drop the "gay" insult or call me names. i never understood why. i didn't do anything. in sports, i was always the last to get picked. in the end i just refused to play, every sports lesson just made me feel horrible inside. i would sit in the corner and do nothing. i dont suppose it helped but its not like anyone would pass the ball or anything. they would call me a girl because i had long hair. It wasn't even that long. It was more of an emo fringe than anything but still, it pissed me off, and they liked that. People liked my reaction.
(End of part 1)
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answer all of those questions
okay im gonna do it
1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?
water bottle
2. chocolate bars or lollipops?
chocolate bars
3. bubblegum or cotton candy?
cotton candy
4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?
uh as smart and kind when in reality i never knew what the fuck was happening
5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups, or glass cups?
soda bottles
6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?
can i wear pajamas
7. earbuds or headphones?
earbuds
8. movies or tv shows?
tv shows
9. favorite smell in the summer?
the smell after it rains
10. game you were best at in p.e.?
if you though that i ever participated in p.e. in any point of my life ur funny
11. what do you have for breakfast on an average day?
i dont eat breakfast on an average day oop
12. name of your favorite playlist?
u already know blue gang babeys even though it scares me a bit
13. lanyard or key ring?
lanyard
14. favorite non-chocolate candy?
sour worms
15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?
either secret life of bees or fucking of mice and men FUCK
16. most comfortable position to sit in?
i would prefer laying on the floor tbh
17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?
u already know my air force 1′s babey
18. ideal weather?
crisp fall day where its under 60 degrees
19. sleeping position?
usually just laying on my side
20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?
i’ve been writing in my journal a lot to vent so i guess there bc i dont rlly write other than that
21. obsession from childhood?
hannah montana
22. role model?
my mommy she is amazing
23. strange habits?
idk i bite my nails i dont rlly have that many weird habits
24. favorite crystal?
bruh when i was younger i had this whole crystal obsession and i love amethyst and it is my birthstone
25. what is the first song you remember hearing?
chasing cars
26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?
go to the beach which i have only done once this summer because i had a major fucking breakdown after going and it made me not want to go for a while
27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?
not going outside oop legit just staying inside and watching netflix im a loser
28. five songs to describe you?
i am too lazy to find 5 songs to describe me can i just put yeah! by usher
29. best way to bond with you?
show me pictures of literally any of your animals and i will cry
30. places that you find sacred?
what is this even supposed to mean im confused
31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?
another question im confused by i will wear sweatpants and a t shirt
32. top five favorite vines?
- lets go to the beach each... ninki minjaj
- godzilla seems like a nice man i, i just wanna take him to red robin
- road work ahead... uh yeah i sure hope it does
- you spilt lipstick in my valentino white bag????
- look at all those chickens!
33. most used phrase in your phone?
me going “oop”
34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?
idk i dont watch much tv or anything to get them stuck but i constantly have pewdiepie’s tuber simulator ad at the end of his videos in a loop in my head
35. average time you fall asleep?
it can be anywhere between 11-7 am
36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?
uhhh idk probably like a minecraft meme or something i have pea sized brain i dont recall
37. suitcase or duffel bag?
duffel bag
38. lemonade or tea?
lemonade babey
39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?
lemon cake
40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?
... pen stabbing
41. last person you texted?
audrey?? maybe idk
42. jackets pockets or pants pockets?
pants pockets are weak always jackets pockets
43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket, or bomber jacket?
i LIVE in my jean jacket during fall and winter so i would say that
44. favorite scent for soap?
i am a whore for anything vanilla scented
45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?
fantasy
46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?
i’d say a hoodie and sweats
47. favorite type of cheese?
CHEDDAR
48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?
watermelon
49. what saying or quote do you live by?
i heard this on a tv show once and it b cheesy as fuck but i love it
“everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always.”
50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever had?
if im being completely tbh i dont think i have ever laughed as hard as i did after anything cat said on the phone the other day
51. current stresses?
everyone in the groupchat has me stressing ab my future
52. favorite font?
i dont fucking know????? times roman point size 12 double spaced - mrs. christina
53. what is the current state of your hands?
they are pretty freaking cold
54. what did you learn from your first job?
i learned how to fold t shirts properly and to always be scared of men
55. favorite fairy tale?
the little mermaid
56. favorite tradition?
uhh idk anything involving christmas
57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?
- getting clean from self harm
- coming to the conclusion my dad won’t be there for me
- that i can’t control everything in my life which i still b working on
58. four talents your proud of having?
- i can paint pretty well
- makeup
- kind of can dance
- i cant think of a fourth oop
59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?
skskkskskskskskks and i oop!
60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?
never have i watched anime
61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?
shut up about the sun. SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUN
62. seven characters you relate to?
this takes too long all i can say is i relate to stiles stillinski on a different level
63. five songs that you would play in your club?
can this stop making me list things i dont have the fucking patience i would play hotel room service by pitt bull and thats it
64. favorite website from your childhood?
animal jam was my shit
65. any permanent scars?
well the thing is yes the thing is i would rather not speak of them
66. favorite flower(s)?
sunflowers
67. good luck charms?
i dont rlly have any
68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?
i tried these dill pickle flavored chips and wanted to vomit
69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?
i don’t know many fun facts i small brained
70. left or right handed?
right handed
71. least favorite pattern?
i dont rlly dislike any patterns
72. worst subject?
math
73. favorite weird flavor combo?
i will eat almost anything with hot sauce so i guess that
74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?
at least a 5 or a 6
75. when did you lose your first tooth?
when i was 6
76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?
french fries
77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?
i had cacti for like 2 years but they died,, may they rest in peace
78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?
considering i don’t eat sushi or any kind of fish i would have to go with coffee
79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?
i don’t have a license so i guess school ID
80. earth tones or jewel tones?
jewel tones
81. fireflies or lightning bugs?
fireflies
82. pc or console?
pc
83. writing or drawing?
drawing
84. podcasts or talk radio?
podcasts
85. fairy tales or mythology?
i am a whore for mythology
86. cookies or cupcakes?
cookies
87. your greatest fear?
bugs
88. your greatest wish?
to be a fucking cowboy
89. who would you put before everyone else?
i think u already know the answer to that
90. luckiest mistake?
my mistakes don’t end up lucky
91. boxes or bags?
boxes
92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?
christmas lights but all year long
93. nicknames?
jill, jilly bean, jillie, jilly pops (that one is cat), beans, dumb bitch
94. favorite season
FALL BABEY
95. favorite app on your phone?
instagram probably
96. desktop background?
considering this is not my computer,, it is just default
97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?
i have one memorized and it is mine
98. favorite historical era?
i like the one with the dinosaurs
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i just ... dont feel right inside of myself. like something is slowly leaking into my brain. yesterday i slept for a good portion of the day at his house, then went to sleep around 10pm. when i woke up yesterday it was to an alarm at 5:40. i told him the alarm had given me anxiety straight away - i had to search for the phone in my bag and couldnt find it right away.
he said it was okay and reminded me that its just because the day is starting and if today is not good i have to remember there is a tomorrow and tomorrow might be better. he told me that i have to remember not to give up and to keep doing what im doing because im doing good.
i dont feel like im doing good. i dont feel like im progressing like i should be but like.. i put some weight on medication solving many issues and it did but it did not solve the underlying issue which i think my doctor recognized right away.
and i really appreciate my doctor. i really appreciate that there is someone of professional studied calibre to say - hey, you know what. you went through a lot of shit. youre not fucked for not being able to cope. the majority of people dont go through what youve gone through. and they probably wont.
and thats it you know - like i want a level of sympathy but not pity. i want the understandng of how important it is to my life that i do not have parents or a family. that is a huge defining factor of so many things. and its not because i needed them to take care of me. thats not it at all. i am perfectly capable of caring for myself - in fact; ive done so for most of my life. i cared FOR THEM so its not laziness. its not me going out in the world and crying about how i have to be an adult. ive been an adult since i was 10. like since i hit puberty, ive been an adult. ive taken on adult responsibilities an handled adult situations since i was 10. and thats 17 years. my doctor brought this up himself - he recognized that ive had 17 years of dealing with trauma that most people dont deal with or deal with at amuch much older age when theyre able to cope. i grew up in trauma. i was built by trauma.
my doctor actually repeats it a lot - you lost both of your parents. like its not the excuse - its the reason why i am struggling. i dont need anxiety about why im struggling or why i cant get better; there is a reason. he is giving me the answer that im looking for.
last night i was very upset. he asked if i wanted to go for a walk or refocus or stretch or talk about it. but i just felt very very upset. i told him that i had felt very isolated for the past few weeks. but not because i spend time alone. i have no problem spending time alone. i was an only child, i learned to cope with being alone and i found peace in it. being alone is very peaceful.
but you dont be alone forever. you cant just _be_ alone unless you literally isolate yourself and live off the land. like you have to revert back to cavemen times to be entirely alone. and i’m not interested in that; people realized by banding together you accomplish more and i’m not going to go against proof of a millenium of years. so people; all people - every single person is important. they might not be important to YOU but theyre important to SOMEONE so theyre important, you know? everyone is important; everyone i meet will affect my life in some way.
but this isolation is not in a lack of meeting people. ive been around people. ive had options and choices to be around even more people. but when im around people and i try to relate with them or have a conversation ... i dont care? like i care, i care about whats happening with them but like i have no sense of relation to them. like theyre hanging out with cousins or family or they have this wedding to go to and their cat dies and its the worst thing that happens or their grandma dies and people are sooo sympathetic and thats not my experience of life? like i have not had that experience of life. so i’m carrying a lot of resentment and bitterness towards life itself right now. and i feel like i have to reprogram myself to be okay that i didnt have the exprience a majority of people have and continue to have. so its kind of an ongoing battle to be like - hey, its okay you dont have a mother. its okay you dont have a father. its okay no one really cares if youre dead or alive. just keep doing you.
i guess in some ways im envious of people who have good mothers. i always wanted to have a good mother. and you know what? it would be amazing to have a good mother right now. even as an adult. that would be really nice. i feel like if i had a good mother i could sit down and chat with her and she would be invested in my life and give me weird advice i dont know if id take but maybe i would and she’d make cookies or maybe shed buy cookies and give them to me but either way im getting cookies. and then you know maybe at the end she slips me 20$ for bus money or something - you know moms and i go off to work or something.
i’m not really asking a lot of a mom, i guess. i have pretty low expectations. it’d be great if they didnt hurt me. i feel like ive been hurt a lot. even by my father - maybe unintentionally. like it hurt that he didnt care enough to be well. and he couldve. he really couldve. i feel like there was a lot of senseless death around me. i feel like no one cares. like people literally died because no one cares. thats how serious life is. i cant unshake that. its not like a belief i have. its my truth. its what ive lived.
but im not delusional, you know? i can obviously see people caring. like the bubble i grew up in - no one fucking cares. not a single ass person givesa fuck and i think we were all developed in our own ways to not give a fuck beyond ourselves because maybe this whole bubble was just survival.
but i can see it exists. i can see its not beyond a human being to care. i can see it with my own eyes so thats also a truth. but i feel resentful its not a truth for me; as much as i’ve tried to have it be and not just with my parents and not just within my bubble. but it cant be the whole truth because life has variables.
like i feel very attached to him right now because he is a variable. and i hate to create this like.. level of heavy importance on who he is and who he is to me because to me it feels like life or death. not that iw ould die. its very unlikely i would kill myself over him. like ... theres too many other reasons for it to land on him, honestly. but its life or death of my hope in the world as i know it. this is like the one last shot, one last chance of being proven that not every person i meet is going to be an asshole. that i have atleast the CHANCE for love, support, care & understanding.
but thats because of who he is. not because i came into it with the hope that hewould do this for me. i never had an expectation for him - ever. i was pretty fed up and just kind of went with whatever was going on in all of life. but he became a variable because as i got to know him, i realized how good of a person he is and how much he cares for me.
one of the biggest things that gives me so much... i dont even know. like something good that is undescribable. he is not like.. some next level person or anything. hes just a normal guy, but because hes capable of being ... i dont even know if its mature or adult because adult men older than him have been worse and have been worse to me. like, to me this is transcendent in a very deep scar that has been within me for a long time regarding men and sex.
i have been treated terribly in most of my relationships. if not all of them. and a good amount of that treatment has come in the form of sex. men have not given a single fuck about me in a relationship when it comes to sex. i am an obligation. they deserve sex because theyre in a relationship with me and thats what we do. thats just how it is. even in terrible times, you know? even in the worst of times, they’d still be trying to fuck. and its fine - really, maybe thats a nature of a man. but if it is - and you overcome that nature to display a level of fucking respect, thank you.
i think he understood before i said it last night, but i described it outloud - i have bigger problems than your passive need for an orgasm. life is a lot bigger and harder than this. it’s a lot more real. he had made a sarcastic and joking comment when i was scrolling on my phone (in view of him, on instagram) to stop talking to all my boyfriends. my gut reaction was a very stern, rolling of the eyes kind of “sure”. i understood he was joking but to me it was so stupid - so stupid - that even as a joke i wouldnt entertain the idea of it when i do in fact feel anxiety on a constant basis to a point that even thinking about other men or other people in such a way is a waste of my time and something i’m really not interested in. having “more” boyfriends or additional relationships honestly progresses nothing in my life. the relationship and friendship i have with him is acknowledgable as incredibly important.
i think weve had sex once in three weeks. not because no one is interested in being physical, and not because we’ve become distant in any way, but because its not the most important thing to do right now. its not really really necessary. i believe he almost understands it as just a physical need that is natural like a sneeze or take a shit. which sounds terrible, sex should be more than that - and it is, but when you’re overcome with the need or the urge for such a thing, you may be lonely or you may just have an urge - like an urge for eating mcdonalds or chocolate. you dont need to satisfy that urge by creating multiple parterships and fucking all sorts of people. it can be as simple as jacking off and moving on in your day.
though, truthfully, i enjoy having sex with him. he’s created a trust level that has allowed me to sincerely enjoy it and when we have sex, even when it’s a quick thing, it feels like he really appreciates that i’m offering my body to him. whether or not i was still fairly asexual, whether or not i had an inherent desire, i was still offering my body to him for him to use. it’s hard not to feel like you’re in a passive/submissive position when you’re the one being prodded; even if you take enjoyment from it. but maybe its just me. i dont know. regardless i feel lik the position is respected.
sometimes, i feel like a true ‘queen’. he treats me so well and has given me such legitimate deep care. when i speak about even the few things he does for me, on his own accord, i feel like there are some who are envious / jealous and try to express somethig their boyfriend does for them; like it’s an one-up contest. instead of appreciating that there’s someone - anyone - in my 27 years of life who gives a fuck enough to show me such treatment, they try to extole the virtues of their own partners.
but there are some i feel appreciate it. why shouldnt i be treated like that? why shouldnt he braid my hair, feed me fruit, make me cakes, dance with me to flashdance when im sad? why? i didnt ask for any of these things (i asked for cake) - why dont i deserve someone who wants to do these things? not only does he do this - he frequently, if not on a daily basis, looks at me in clear honesty and tells me i look pretty or that my clothes look good, or my hair looks nice. if i manage to put on makeup, he always acknowledges it. if i dont, i’m still told i’m beautiful.
one time he told me it and i told him he always tells me it when i kind of look terrible - like i havent showered in a few days or i forgot to brush my teeth or wash my face or brush my hair. i’m a mess, most of the time. he told me he could see “underneath all of that”, as a joke.
he was - and told me - he’d talk to that girl last night. i fell asleep and he was awake for maybe a half an hour or so but i dont know if he did or not. i truly dont care. i feel like the only reason he cares is a perceived notion tht i have something aganst her personally; which i dont. her existence only matters because of his past connection to her, otherwise i wouldn’t know of her at all. and his past connections are so far in the past and so meaningless to the present that i legitimately dont care. thats not his life or my life or our life anymore.
and i guess thats kind of a way i grew as a person. and he might not even realize that, which is okay. but like - i’d definitely, in the past, hold a lot of resentment and bitterness and distrust in a person who has done some of the things he has done. but he’s never lied. and that’s like.... that’s real. he has never once even attempted to hide or lie anything. ever. and knowing things makes life better. knowing whats happening around you and why and who the person youre dealing with is and why they do things and what theyve done before - it’s a choice. you can choose to be involved when its all laid out or you can leave. your choice. are you hurt or do you move on?
i really appreciate that level of honesty for once in my life. for all the liars and theives ad fucked up people ive been around, i need that. and i am a mostly honest person with him. which is bad. like to use mostly is already bad. and if i was entirely honest, it’d probably be okay, but i have shame in what i did. and again - no interest in being with others, so i’ve not been with anyone since weve been together. i havent even spoken to other people.
this morning he asked how i felt. i said about the same. but he let me wake up in a more natural way instead of rushing me or waking me up himself and it helped a bit. as he was driving me home he said something like, “baby girl, even though you’re upset you still have to find me funny”. i told him i wasnt upset. he said “well sad or unwell or whatever, you still have to find me funny”. as i got out of the car, he repeated that he loved me a few times and to have a good day. i told him to text me later, he told me he’d call and see how i was doing.
his concern makes me feel like at least taking a shower is worth doing in my day.
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