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#i feel violently ill about them

luminousstardust · 9 months

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laudna being so focused and insistent on imogen getting to have the life she never got to have before dying only to turn around and realize that she’s the one who can give imogen the happiness of simply being with her….

#i feel violently ill about them #dani carr on the front lines of the imodna war #and i love her so much for that #four sided dive #4sd #imodna #imogen temult #laudna #critical role #bells hells #critical role spoilers #bells hells spoilers

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mad-hunts · 14 days

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so, i'm gonna give y'all a warning for this post immediately because i have yet to talk about this on here besides with one or two people, and the last thing i want to do is make anyone uncomfortable... but if you believe that cannibalism is a trigger for you then please do not continue beyond this point. for those of you who are okay with it, though, let me start by saying this:

barton does engage in cannibalistic acts sometimes, and this is actually one of the few, if not the only sources of shame that he feels in response to the heinous acts that he commits pretty much on the daily. and this is because he believes himself that it is disgusting and not something to be proud of; so, in a way, it does kind of demonstrate that he has some humanity left in him albeit in a very unsavory way and that's mainly why i wanted to bring it up. because his relationship with this part of him... well, it really isn't good, for lack of better words. which is understandable considering cannibalism is a rather big taboo in society, but it has become somewhat of a compulsion for him. not to excuse it in ANY capacity, of course. that is honestly just the best word i could use to describe it as i've done some research about it and, like other serial killers, barton is SO perpetually lonely that by consuming his victims -- it makes him feel like he is no longer so alone anymore as he will always be able to 'carry' a part of them with him that way, so-to-speak, and they'll never be able to leave him.

now this is obviously not the way to go about dealing with his loneliness at all, as it is extremely messed up both morally and honestly, just wrong as a human being to do. but i also believe that there are other factors at work regarding his tendency to sometimes cannibalize his victims, and that is that because of the trauma he endured at the hands of his biological father (wesley mathis) whom forced him to eat people with him. it could sort of function as a very unhealthy coping mechanism for him to navigate that complex trauma; and this is because it may serve as an attempt for him to restore a sense of control over himself that he felt was stolen from him as a child, since he had no choice but to engage in it. plus, interestingly enough, antisocial personality traits are often an underlying element in those who divulge in cannibalistic acts. and cannibals in one study have been found to have more cases of abuse / have more family members who are criminals, so this could also be indicative that his environmental upbringing very well could have a hand in his subsequent (occasional) cannibalism after he commits his killings.

i also thought i would mention that, despite his apparent depravity, barton has taken extra care not to expose his own children to the same trauma that he had to suffer from as a result of wesley (what with the 'hunting trips' that they went on) and he would NEVER want his kids to see him eating people. so, although it still is unquestionably wrong for him to be cannibalizing people, things are a little complicated in that regard. while i'm talking about it, for my closing thought, i'd like to say that the police does highly suspect that the dollmaker is a cannibal but they haven't been able to confirm it as of yet. though i'd imagine that most of the underground knows that he cannibalizes people because rumors can be spread quite quickly, and i can totally imagine the way in which people found out being that they were unfortunate enough to have to stumble upon barton just... eating someone. and a lot more casually than one should probably be about it, because half of the time, he doesn't even remember that he's done it afterward because his mind literally just blocks it out. but that's something i shall expand on more later

#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#YOUR NEED GREW TEETH: character study.#yeahhh i know that this character study was a little heavy but i promise y'all that i will make up for it later with some fluff (':#because i for one feel as if i need a bit of a ✨ cleansing ✨ right now i guess you could say JSJSJ #but i think that it was necessary to talk about this because it is a rather integral part of his character that i have yet to talk about-#much and part of that is likely due to just how terrible cannibalism to think about even in fiction. like it definitely doesn't feel nice-#to have to think about the fact that barton basically defiles peoples corpses after death by eating them... though i am somewhat-#glad that i've shed light on this part of his character now because it does say a LOT about him and how he has still not fully processed-#what happened to him as a kid because although barton does not want to be like him it's not an exaggeration that wesley is still affecting-#him even after his death and it has played a part in barton's compulsion to cannibalize others just like he had. but ofc that's not the onl #reason why he's done it and isn't meant to excuse it at all as that would be pretty screwed up but i shall tag this post accordingly even #though i have already tagged it as violent / mature.#tw: discussions of cannibalism.#tw: mentions of child abuse.#tw: trauma.#tw: discussions of mental illness.#tw: mentions of dissociation.

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trashlie · 9 months

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Considering the latest fast pass episode, I can’t help but wonder what comes next. Q-tip realizes not only how badly he mis perceived Nolan and treated him like as ass, but yui’s been drugging q-tip to keep him in control.

What will happen now that q-tip’s at Nolan’s door? Will Nolan return that beating he promised q-tip for assaulting him?

Will there be a sort of switcharoo in behaviors where q-tip does and gives up so much to tell Nolan he’s sorry? Only for Nolan to say f u over and over again?

How will yui even control q-tip, now that he’s aware of what she’s done to him? At most, it seems she’ll have to make him regress, unless he keeps this grim discovery from her.

I wonder if yui will even try to continue sabotaging Nolan, especially if she learns q-tip’s currently dead to the boy.

There’s so much to ask and talk about.

I actually think things are going to get so much worse for Kousuke now because of what he has figured out and because Yui is not going to just... simply give him up, you know? Because his predicament is that yes, he knows what she's done to him, but also: he knows that Yui's reach extends far beyond what his own can and he has no way of knowing who is in on her manipulation. Even something as simple as the realization that she refused to allow Hansuke to run the tests he wanted to do and had Kousuke discharged even though he was not well and should not have been is enough to show him that he has no control in any of this. It's her family's hospital, of course they'll do and say what she calls. But even that she threatened Hansuke's career over doing his role and duty as a doctor! That's above the law.

How does he know who he can trust? How does he know when he's been drugged? Obviously there are things like drugging him to make him pass out, but it reads so much deeper. What about the night he went to the club with Hansuke and Yujing? He barely drank but he was behaving and feeling as if he'd been drinking all night, with the auditory hallucinations, becoming aggressive and fighting people, leaving all of those voicemails, arguing with an imagination of his brother. What was already in his system before he began drinking and how did it get there?

Kousuke lives on his onw, not at the family home, with a hired chef. That one day he called Hansuke over because he was stressed out and nothing in his normal routine - including eating desserts - were helping him to calm down. Ordinarily the crepes would help him! But the crepes he prepared, because his personal chef was out?

There's all these little clues that show him he can't even trust his own hired help. What is possibly safe for him to consume?! Who all is in on it?

And that's just the drugging. He doesn't know yet that Yui threw out Rand's gift and replaced it with something subpar, something so out of Kousuke's tastes that it makes it seem like Rand doesn't know him or care about him at all. What happens when he realizes she did that? When he remembers every event Rand missed, or arrived late to, arguing with Yui about how she didn't tell him anything? Will he start to realize that she has been driving that wedge all along, that every time he moved closer to his father, to his goal, she got involved and ensured that gap was further widened?

When he starts to see for himself that dissonance in the way he views the world vs how others do? Will he be haunted by Yujing's words, that at no point has Nol ever fit the violent, unstable character Kousuke has attributed to him, that at no point has she seen that character in him - but rather that it appears to fit Kousuke more?

Something that we must keep in mind regarding Kousuke is that the way he treated Nol was not without reason. Yui has ensured that Kousuke always perceived him as a threat, and it appears she's gone to great lengths to discredit his character, the way he is perceived, the way Kousuke remembers him.

Does Kousuke even have a specific incident in mind that he can concretely recall to back up his claims? I think if he was pressured to tell him about a time, he'd fail to, because possibly no such event exists. What he believes is based on Yui's influence, what she told him in the aftermath of an event so traumatic he seemed to dissociate or white out as it was happening, that he has no actual recollection of, because of the drugged tea that has blurred his memories. The thing is, he absolutely believes Nol is violent and unstable, not as "someone told me this" but because he's been so very convinced of it.

But at some point he's going to become fully aware of that dissonance. We've already seen it coming up a lot, but every time it does he doubles down, because obviously if he realizes, acknowledges, that his accounts are falsified, it brings us back to that territory of "what can he trust, what is real"? And he's so close to that. The realization that he's been drugged is showing him that, and I think we're going to touch a little on it with his visit to Nol.

I absolutely do not think this visit is going to go well, not because I think Nol is going to fight him - I think besides the fact that he's heavily injured, it's clear that he's just tired and done. He promised a beating at the time because he was pushed to his limit, he was angry and in the moment, but that's not where he is right now. I think more than anything, Nol is just done with him, and if Kousuke comes in with this realization that she drugged him, too, that he denied Nol every time he reached out to him, what's Nol going to do? Say congratulations you figured it out let's be brothers? Of course not. It will probably be more something about how it took this long for him to figure it out, after he nearly killed him? Something about how he doesn't care, he's done, just leave me be, I don't want to be a part of your life anymore.

I don't think it's going to be bad in that it's going to be an altercation, but rather it's just going to be bad in that I think perhaps Kousuke is reaching out for help, or even reaching out because he's realized how much Nol needed him, and it's too late. Because he's finally faced the truth and it's too late, because Nol doesn't want to be a part of it anymore. And in that way, yes, I think we're very much going to see that role reversal, where Nol is done with all of this and wants nothing to do with him, even as Kousuke finds himself in Nol's position, alone and vulnerable with no one he can trust no one he can turn to, and Nol will refuse the assistance.

At this point, there's still a lot Nol doesn't know about Kousuke's circumstances and I do one 100% believe that is going to change in the future, that Nol's feelings towards him will change when he comes to understand how much Kousuke was manipulated, how much they were pit against each other by Yui - that Kousuke seeing Nol as a threat is as deeply psychologically ingrained in him as Nol seeing himself as a monster. Perhaps once Nol can begin to see the way he was manipulated to see himself as this horrible monster who brings nothing but pain, once he realizes that Kousuke was very much a victim of Yui, he'll see that he, too, was manipulated in a way that altered his psyche so much that Nol was never able to get through to them.

But for now, I think we'll see Nol shut the door on Kousuke and leave him completely alone and vulnerable. And frankly, that's painful for me, because I'm really glad Kousuke is finally getting to this point, finally starting to see the dissonance and realize that so much of what he believes is falsified or manipulated, but it's so regrettable that it's too late. 212 made it so clear that despite Kousuke's fears and desire, despite how his addled views warped the way he treated Nol, he still knew that Nol was the only one to really see him, to have ever offered him unconditional love. He sees in Nol so much of what he doesn't possess, the kind of person he isn't. Kousuke never had the option to be that kind of easy going, laid back, easy to befriend person, because he was taught to perceive everyone as a threat, that everyone wants what he has, and they only like him for his money and influence. And to some degree that wasn't actually wrong! Nol is one of the only authentic people Kousuke knew, who wanted to like him for who he is, but that perception of him as a threat was something he could not undo himself. It's agonizing for me, to watch these tragic brothers fight and hurt each other, and to watch Kousuke start to make these steps and reach that state of vulnerability and know that he's going to be (rightly) pushed away, that it will now be his turn to sit with his fear, to be so alone with no one he can trust, and fall apart.

And I think that's very much how Yui will be able to further control Kousuke - because she doesn't NEED to drug him to control him. He's alone, isolated, all she has to do is box out Hansuke and Yujing, all she has to do is ensure Kousuke has no idea who he can trust. If anything, we're set up for a worse potential where Kousuke's mental state falling apart allows for Yui to be more of a caretaker, to be more involved in his roles and duties, should it reach such an extreme.

Consider even if he was to evade her drugging following this he's still going to deal with the withdrawal, and how he handles stress as a result of what they've done to his system, as a result of what he thought was his normal base of operation being a version of himself that's been drugged. How do you cope? How do you deal with the stress, how do you handle that? And again, the withdrawal!

That future hint in the anime expo poster really shows us that Kousuke is going to be having A Very Bad Time in the future. Will he turn back to the drugs, because detoxing is so difficult? Drinking? He's going to struggle so much and I think that works to her advantage.

As for Nol, it doesn't matter what Nol and Kousuke's relationship is, she will never give up on destroying him. Nol's existence is a threat, that much she was right about, even if he never wanted what Kousuke had in the first place. Supposing the muko-yoshi theory is true (and at this point I strongly believe it is), Nol very much is a possible contender for heir as a direct blood relative of Rand. The theory goes that Rand would have been adopted into the Hirahara family and is treated as a blood relative, and that is is through his blood lineage that the company can pass. As Rand's other son, this makes Nol more than possible . It brings us to two important points: a. if Kousuke is not actually Rand's biological son, it means he was never able to be heir in the first place and b. if Kousuke is incapacitated for whatever reason, Nol is next in line.

Everything Yui has done to Nol has been a long game, taking every effort to ensure that his image so is far ruined no one would ever consider him as a possible candidate to lead the company, to inherit the company and fortune. Kousuke's inherent, psychologically driven belief that Nol is violent and unstable is not without reason. He was sent away for it and locked away for nearly two years. There are news stories about him hurting Kousuke. At school a reputation of both violence and mental stability follow him. The media had no problem subscribing to the story that he was a violent person who was slipping roofies and assaulting people. Whatever happened that night Nol was taken away, that Kousuke cannot actually remember, as 300% in some way orchestrated by Yui, something she'd been building up to. It was the way she manipulated Kousuke to see Nol as this threat, it was how she'd commodified his familial love and made him believe he needs to become good enough to be loved by his father and took advantage of Nol's existence to further Kousuke's drive. Everything has been carefully orchestrated to encourage Kousuke to blindly chase his father, to become the perfect heir that she could puppet, and to ensure in no capacity could Nol ever be considered a possible contender.

Everything Yui has done has been because Nol exists. It has nothing to do with how Nol and Kousuke feel about each other - it has always been about undermining him at every opportunity, and encouraging Kousuke to do so as well, so that any of Nol's potential was diminished, never had a chance to grow.

As long as Nol exists, and certainly as long as he shows potential, as long as anyone believes in him, she will never let him go. There is no escape for him.

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #Kousuke Hirahara #Yui Hiarahara #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #I have so many feelings about these tragic brothers i just cry about them aljfakfjkafkj GOD #and what a MONSTER Yui is how she's orchestrated all of this #her goal was ALWAYS to ensure that Nol had nothing to stand on #because his mere existence alone is a threat #that's why she's done any of this #had Rand had an affair that yielded no children she would never have been this bad #i'm sure she would still have been awful and fucked with Rand but #this is because HE fathered another child #because Nol stands to inherit everything if something happens to Kousuke #if it turns out Kousuke is NOT Rand's child #from the moment he existed everything she orchestrated was about showing that Nol was ill fit that he was too unstable too violent too #dangerous to be considered an heir #that's why she manipulated Kousuke the way she did to view Nol as a threat #BECAUSE HE IS #and more importantly so that he would NEVER have a chance to grow to shine so be viewed as potential #and that is the key to understanding how Yui operates and why she has done to Kousuke AND Nol what she has

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fiendishartist2 · 1 year

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eaten from the core and out to the skin– mp100

Reigen strutted through the halls of Salt Middle School, passing empty classrooms and bustling club rooms at a brisk pace. As he turned an unfamiliar corner, he schooled his worried expression to something closer to irritation. Reigen was on a mission and he couldn't let any weakness show. He came upon the door he was directed to by the woman in the main office.

He entered with a hand on his hip, suit bunching up at the action. Reigen surveyed the small office, eyes catching on the cheesy inspirational posters and self-help books. He wrinkled his nose, ah, a guidance counsellor. Oh god, Mob, what kind of trouble did you get yourself in this time. Speaking of Mob– Reigen spotted his student sitting in the only other chair in the cramped office. His shoulders were brought far up to his ears and his head was hung low. Whatever they called him in for, Mob sure was taking it seriously.

Whatever, Reigen thought confidently, we'll be out of here in no time if I have anything to say about it.

The woman that had called him in sat at a cluttered desk that took up about a third of the small room. She smiled widely, brushing back her black bob behind her ear. Her elbow nudged against one of the many stacks of paper littering her desk.

"Thank you for coming, Mr. Reigen. Please, take a seat." He obliged, crossing his legs and leaning back in his chair. He tapped his foot impatiently.

"Would you mind telling me why I was dragged out of work to be here?" Mob hiked his shoulders higher, curling in on himself. His flat fringe cast a dark shadow over his face, covering his expression. Reigen thought he could see his lip wobble out of the corner of his eye, however.

"Ah- apologies, it was at Shigeo's request. I'm sure he didn't mean to interrupt." Mob asked for me instead of his parents? Reigen narrowed his eyes, lips pursing in thought. Mob never asked Reigen to pick him up from school unless something was really wrong. Last time this happened, Mob was trying not to blow up over the black eye some kid gave him. That day, Reigen had to keep reminding himself that a 26 year old man beating up a 12 year old middle schooler was definitely illegal. Now, seeing the way Mob's face was painfully schooled, like he was just barely holding it together, Reigen felt the same urge to hunt down whoever had done this.

He took a steadying breath, cracking a placating smile, "No, it's alright." Some of Mob's tension dissolved, "But, I do want to know why you called me." He tried, making sure to keep a pleasant tone. The last thing he wanted was to get Mob all worked up about whatever it was he did.

The guidance counsellor smiled, although it was fake just like Reigen's. Just a gesture meant to put the other at ease. She cleared her throat politely, picking up a file from under her elbow and sliding it across the table to Reigen. He leaned forwards, eyes scanning the page.

He landed on a few scribblings in pen that read 'lunch hour', 'truancy', and 'physical altercation' before she interrupted him.

"Shigeo was absent from all of his classes today and was seen by another student loitering in a club room during second period mathematics. As well as-" she picked up the paper, reading with a light hum, "-Ah, here– during lunch hour, Shigeo pushed a classmate, resulting in a dislocated shoulder." She read it off so stiffly, like a judge reading a list of crimes out to a jury. Reigen resisted the urge to roll his eyes at her seriousness. That's what Mob was in here looking like he was on the verge of breaking down for? Skipping class and pushing a kid? Reigen had done much, much worse in his school days– this was practically nothing.

Holding in a scoff, Reigen hummed sympathetically.

The counsellor sighed and put the paperwork down. She levelled Reigen with a tired stare, "As this is the first time I've had to discuss Shigeo's behaviour with a parent or guardian, I'm not going to punish him." Reigen's face softened before he could stop himself and she pounced on the opening, pressing her lips into a thin line. Or maybe this game of social chess was all in Reigen's head and she was just emoting like a normal person. Either way, she continued, "However, due to school policy, I still need to come to an understanding with Shigeo."

Reigen nodded, "Of course," he went on the attack, "I'm sure Mob didn't mean anything by his actions. Sometimes he just gets overwhelmed and-" his good natured smile slipped as Mob joined the conversation.

"I meant to push him. I'm sorry…" He whispered, hands twisting around each other. C'mon, Mob! I'm trying to vouch for you here, just don't say anything and I can get you out of this scot-free! he screamed internally. Unfortunately, Mob never had figured out telepathy, so Reigen's pleas went unheard.

"I skipped my classes too, on purpose." He continued in his soft voice. His warbly confession felt wrong, twisting itself around Reigen's stomach. This was all too serious, why was Mob getting so worked up over nothing?

Reigen swallowed the questions that crawled up his throat in favour of clawing the conversation back to normalcy. He patted Mob's shoulder forcefully, nervous laughter bubbling out of him.

"Such an honest student I have! As you can see, he's much too well behaved for trouble-making. So really, we should just let this whole thing blow over, huh?" Reigen boasted in his salesman voice. Despite directly contrasting Mob's incriminating words, he hoped she would believe him over his student by confidence alone. Judging by her unamused expression, it wasn't working.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Reigen, but multiple students admitted to seeing the fight at lunch. Now, Shigeo," she turned her attention to him. Mob didn't even look up from his lap.

"Why don't you explain to me why you were absent from class?" Reigen crossed his arms, turning to his student as well; he obviously wasn't getting them out of there any time soon. And, he was actually kind of curious about that too. Mob wasn't a perfect student by any measure, but he hated getting scolded and was too polite to break any rules anyways. It was really out of character for Mob to skip a whole day of classes.

Mob didn't react. Reigen couldn't be sure he even heard the counsellor's question at all. The boy sat so still he might have even been holding his breath.

Just as she got ready to try another approach, Mob sucked in a sharp breath, "...I don't know." His voice shuddered. Reigen's mood curdled instantly– Mob was definitely lying to them. There was nothing to lie about in the first place; sure, skipping class was against the rules but it wasn't egregious and it certainly wasn't uncommon. A bead of sweat rolled down Reigen's temple.

"Were you bored in class? Maybe you wanted to meet up with friends or get an early lunch?" She listed off the most common excuses bolder delinquents gave her. She hummed, leaning her chin on her entwined fingers, "How about an emotional reason? Did you feel upset in class and needed to take a walk?" She probed gently.

Mob curled imperceptibly inwards, holding his shoulders tighter to avoid reacting. But, Reigen spotted his clear sign of guilt: Mob's hands were gripping his knees with white knuckles.

"I'm sorry. I don't know." He replied robotically, voice getting flatter as Mob's distress grew. Uh oh, Reigen realised suddenly, this is bad. Mob really doesn't want to talk. He rubbed his clammy hands on his thighs, readying himself to step in and stop this situation from escalating any further.

Before the counsellor could say another word, Reigen went on damage control.

He hummed in surprise, drawing his phone from his suit pocket. In one fluid motion, he flipped it open and pressed it to his ear. He made a show of clicking the 'answer call' button.

"Spirit's and Such Consultation Office. Reigen Arataka, greatest psychic of the 21st century speaking. How can I help you?" He nodded along to the silent client on the other end of his fake call, "Hmm… an important job, you say? Please, calm down sir, of course I can handle it."

As he dialled the theatrics to 10, Mob spared his mentor a glance. Reigen trained his eyes on the wall, only so that he wouldn't break character once he spotted the dried tear tracks running down his student's red cheeks. Reigen widened his eyes dramatically, letting his mouth fall slack in mock horror. His imaginary client was describing quite the gruesome scene.

"Oh wow, that is very serious." He mumbled just loud enough for the counsellor to catch it. Reigen held back a smirk as she let out a worried hum.

Standing from his seat, Reigen straightened his tie, nodding again, "Stay calm and get to safety. My disciple and I will be there as soon as possible. How many victims did you say this spirit claimed already?" As he spouted a bunch of concerning nonsense, Reigen gestured for Mob to follow him. He scrambled out of his seat, thankfully used to Reigen's antics enough to understand the scheme he was pulling.

"Oh my-! Is something wrong?" Reigen flicked his eyes to the counsellor rising from her desk, a hand on her chest. This time, he let his satisfied smirk free, facing the door. Dramatically, he clicked his phone shut. In his grimest voice he could muster, Reigen put the final nail in the coffin.

"Yes. I've just gotten a call about a violent spirit terrorising innocent civilians. It's serious- life or death, you see." He reached for the door handle, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cut this meeting short. I'm sure you understand." With that, Reigen threw the door open, steering Mob out of the school briskly. Sure, it was one of his more reliable lies, but it didn't fool everyone and Reigen would rather be caught dead than have to own up to lying straight to someone's face.

Once they were outside the school, he relaxed. Reigen clapped his freed student's shoulder with a relieved grin.

"Alright, Mob, let's get out of here. What do you say to an early dinner? On me." Of course, that would mean Mob's paycheck would be lighter tomorrow, but it's the thought that counts. Money doesn't grow on trees after all.

Reigen stopped his stroll when he realised Mob wasn't following. Instead of falling into step with him, Mob was still standing in front of the school, his face buried in his hands as his shoulders jumped up and down sharply.

Reigen rushed over to him, hovering around his crying student. He floundered; Mob hadn't cried in front of him in what must have been years. He hadn't cried in front of anyone else in much longer.

To his surprise, Mob tipped forward until his forehead rested on Reigen's chest. Reigen froze before placing a tentative hand on the top of his student's head. Gently, he patted down his shiny black hair.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. Mob mulled it over for a few minutes. Reigen didn't mind; he knew that Mob needed time to think about what he was going to say. Mob had always been a quiet kid and when he wasn't lost in thought, he was speaking his mind– even if the things that came out of his mouth were terribly blunt. So, in the middle of the day outside of the school they had just ran out of mid-conversation, Reigen and Mob stood as Mob collected his thoughts. Reigen really hoped no one would spot them.

"He poured milk on my head." Is what eventually wrestled it's way out of Mob's throat. It was mumbled, like he was both scared and ashamed of the admission.

Reigen didn't understand the gravity he was giving it, but sometimes Mob was just sensitive about violence. No matter how tame or justified.

"The kid you pushed?" Reigen prompted. Mob just nodded, "Well then, I think he deserved it. Serves him right for being a jerk."

He thought that would be the end of it; Mob would wipe his eyes and give Reigen a faint, grateful smile, and then they would be off eating mediocre ramen at the cheapest place in the city. Instead, Mob unfurled a bit, grabbing Reigen by the front of his blazer and burying his face in his chest as he choked and sputtered.

"Woah, kid!" Reigen wrapped him up in a real hug, confused at Mob's sudden clinginess, "Mob, calm down, you're hyperventilating." He struggled to keep the panic out of his tone. Mob shook his head frantically.

"Okay! Okay, Mob, just breathe," Reigen shushed, rocking them back and forth slightly in their hug. He hoped it was comforting, he wasn't very well versed in hugs. Mob wasn't usually touchy like this.

He felt a few teardrops soak into his shirt before he collected himself.

He ran a hand through the back of Mob's bowl cut, "It looks like you got most of it out, but you probably want to get properly cleaned up, huh? How about I walk you home and-" Mob shook his head again.

"You don't want to go home?" Reigen took the resounding silence as a yes, "And you probably don't want to go to the office, right?" Nope, alright, last resort, "Okay, what about my apartment, then? You can get cleaned up and I'll order takeout." He sweetened the deal, "And we can watch those action shows you like?"

Mob thought about it; it had been a while since he had been to Reigen's apartment, but he remembers it being pretty cozy. He liked hanging out there when he was younger and his parents needed his boss to act as his pseudo-babysitter. Reigen always tried to make his few stays there fun. And although 'free' dinners were regular with Reigen, Mob was really hungry from missing lunch to hide in the Telepathy Club room. Takeout sounded like a dream at this point.

"Mhm." Mob hummed.

--------------------------------------------------

Reigen gathered his haphazardly folded pyjamas, placing them in Mob's arms. He shot the boy a smile, but Mob's eyes were glued to the ground, glazed over with a distant frown on his face. He took the clothes with a quiet thank you, padding into Reigen's small bathroom. The door clicked behind him loudly in the silence.

Reigen sighed, scrubbing his face with a hand. Maybe he should get into something comfier as well.

The shower started as Reigen dug around for anything remotely wearable. I hope I didn't give Mob the last of my clean laundry… Just then, Reigen pulled a crumpled sage green ('barf green' a particular spiky haired kid jeered in his mind) tracksuit from under his bed. It didn't have any obvious smells or stains so it was passable in Reigen's book.

He jumped into bed, relaxing into the pillows and dragging his laptop towards himself. As he sent out emails and filled out his calender with upcoming appointments, he heard the shower shut off. A few minutes later, Mob shuffled out of the bathroom, wet hair plastered to his forehead and cheeks red from the hot water (or from crying, his brain supplied unhelpfully). He was fiddling with the hem of the oversized sweatshirt Reigen gave him. It went past his hips and the sleeves pooled at his wrists. The pyjama pants he wore had to be rolled up at his ankles and cinched tight around his waist. Reigen didn't like he frail he looked.

Reigen pulled out his phone, rummaging through all of the random papers in his desk for a takeout menu. Just as he sat up to move to his couch, the mattress dipped next to him as Mob settled on the bed. He pulled his knees to his chest. Wordlessly, Reigen handed him the menu.

Once they had their food ordered, Reigen pulled up a new tab in Mobgle, quickly searching through suspicious websites for good quality rips of Mob's favourite shows.

"Cover your eyes, I don't know what kinda ads will pop up." He reminded Mob, chuckling. His student just hid his face in his knees.

Soon, they were huddled around Reigen's laptop, eating their dinners and watching TV. The show was in pretty good quality, but even then, Reigen had no idea what was happening. As he watched the flashy fight scenes, he wondered why kids even liked this stuff. It was just guys yelling at each other and blowing shit up with magic. He realised that might be a bit hypocritical, remembering the magical girl cartoons of his childhood. Kids like to watch other kids wear colourful outfits and fight with superpowers.

Reigen cringed; after seeing what that mentality did to real children, he couldn't watch the show without feeling a bit sick to his stomach. Or maybe it was the two bowls of ramen he ate…

The credits played softly, some woman singing about friendship over quiet piano. Reigen collected their leftover bowls and chopsticks, taking a quick three-step trip to the kitchen to throw out their trash. He stretched, wincing at the way his back popped way too loud to be healthy. As he made his way back, he realised Mob had paused their show.

Reigen hesitated at the side of his bed, before perching on the edge of it next to Mob. He reached out and patted his knee, silently imploring him to talk.

"Shishou-" Mob started, face crumpled in a way that looked painful, "I'm sorry for bothering you." He bowed, "I caused so much trouble today for no reason. I made you come to my school when you could have been working."

Reigen shook his head harshly, "No, no! No, Mob, you didn't bother me. You needed my help back there. What kinda shishou would I be if I didn't get you out of trouble, anyways? Besides," he cracked a smile, ruffling Mob's hair, "I don't blame you for skipping class after what that jerk did."

Mob ducked his head down, wrapping his arms around his knees.

"That's not… why I skipped." He whispered. Reigen stilled.

"No?"

Once again, Mob was tense. He was pulled so taught, he was shaking. The room held its breath for a minute or two as Mob collected his thoughts.

"I wasn't feeling well this morning. I had a nightmare- uhm- about school."

Reigen hummed softly, not wanting to break whatever spell made his student want to talk about what was bothering him.

Unfortunately, Mob held his tongue, falling silent again.

"What happened in your dream, Mob? You can talk to me, you know." Reigen prompted. Mob's face was blank, but his breathing came out in short bursts, revealing the emotions boiling just beneath the surface.

"Do you remember when we had to- to help that possesed girl?" It didn't make sense; why did Mob look so scared?

Reigen nodded. Of course he remembered that awful job; he remembered how he had to sit and watch his disciple put himself in danger while he could do absolutely nothing. He remembered getting in a cab to go home and how Mob refused to look him in the eye the whole ride, but glued himself to Reigen's side. He remembered how jumpy he was and how unstable Mob's powers were for a whole week after. Now, three weeks later, Reigen was just glad they got out of there without incident and they could put the whole thing behind them.

"Asagiri? Yeah, what about it?" Reigen replied flippantly.

Mob flinched.

"When I was in her mind with…" He was staring at his feet, gaze worryingly distant. It looked like he wasn't even present in their conversation– like he was only talking through himself from somewhere else.

"With Mogami," he mumbled the psychic's name, "I was in there for a long time. I think it was longer for me than it was for you."

Reigen stayed silent, rubbing small circles on Mob's knee with his thumb. He hoped his small reassurances were enough to clear that fog from Mob's eyes.

"Um- it was months, actually." He confessed. Months?! How could he have been there for months? It took only half an hour at most for Mob to exorcise Mogami. Reigen barely bit back his questions.

"That world I was in, it was…" he paused, struggling to find his words, "Shishou, you didn't exist and my family didn't either a-and-!" His grip around himself tightened. As his aura spiked, his hair started to float, revealing wide, scared eyes underneath.

"Everyone hated me– Minori hated me and Ritsu didn't care about me and all of my classmates thought I was awful-" Mob couldn't breathe. All he could see as he squeezed his eyes shut was Minori's malicious smile. The smile she gave him when she picked on him, called him names, cornered him in the halls, poured milk over his head. Cold sweat dripped down his face and it was like he was back there, his own blood gushing from his head and over his cheeks. It felt like dying.

Meanwhile, Reigen was getting more confused with each confession; what was this other world Mob was talking about? What does he mean he didn't exist? Were they still talking about Mob's dream? What does this have to do with Mob skipping class?

"I'm sorry, Mob, but I don't really get what you're trying to say?" Reigen said gently. Mob's eyes opened and he startled like he forgot Reigen was even there.

"M-Mogami," again he said it in a hushed tone, "He made a world in Minori's mind. It was like my life here but- but none of my friends were there. And I think my family wasn't either because... I lived alone." He didn't mention how Mogami took away his powers. He didn't know what he would do if Reigen found out what he did once he got them back.

"Minori…" Mob scrubbed his palms over his eyes, drying the tears springing up against his will "She always targeted me at school." 'And everywhere else,' was left unsaid.

"I don't know why, um– why she hated me so much, actually. One time…" His hands twisted in his borrowed sweatshirt, right above his stomach, "She spilled a carton of milk on me. On purpose." He confessed in a hushed voice.

Reigen's heart clenched. So that's what he's so upset about, he thought, relief flooding through him. Just as he started to make up a speech about how that job was over and he was safe, Mob continued speaking.

"A-and I was scared of going to class because…" The cups and plates in Reigen's cupboards started to rattle, "Be-because-" he flinched as a something shattered in the distance, phantom pains sparking on the skin of his cheek. Reigen paid the ruined dish no mind. He barely ate out of them anyways.

"My teachers they would- uh. If I got a-a question wrong… they hit me. Um- hard." Mob's words oozed shame. He hung his head, cheeks flush with humiliation.

It's not everything, Mob knew. It would probably never be everything, if he was being totally honest. Six months of pent up frustration at the world, crushing loneliness, and a hopelessness so all encompassing he thought he would choke on it every day couldn't be voiced in a single conversation. All Reigen needed was context right now, Mob told himself. There was no need to worry his shishou with details of box cutters and cats and the cackling laugh of high schoolers.

He threaded his fingers in his flowing bangs, "I know it's not real," he reassured himself, "But it's still so- it makes me feel so-" he floundered, mouth popping open and closed.

"Scared?" Reigen supplied weakly. This whole conversation made him feel like that, actually; scared and weak.

Mob finally looked him in the eyes and the open desperation could have made him cry. He opened his arms and Mob fell into him.

“I had a dream about it last night…” he croaked, “I co-couldn’t calm down all day. I was scared of hurting anyone s-so I hid in the club room instead of going to class.” Mob’s voice broke, “I’m sorry.” He whispered. Whether Mob was apologising for breaking the rules or for keeping this a secret from Reigen, he couldn’t tell.

Reigen tucked the boy's head under his chin, wrapping his arms around his small back. Small because he's a child. A child you failed to protect. He counted with Mob, trying to get his breathing under control. Reigen tried to stay present but his own distress was mounting by the second, stirring in his chest and making his heart race.

How long did Mob say he spent in that hellish world? Months? Reigen tightened their hug with shaking hands. Mob was trapped in Mogami’s manipulative illusion for so long with no one to turn to– not even himself it sounded like. Reigen was almost glad for it; he didn’t want to know how Mogami would have twisted their relationship. He didn’t want to think about what kind of irreparable harm he could have caused.

The thought of himself raising a hand to Mob in the same way his teachers had was enough to make him nauseous.

After what could have been hours of hushed voices and panicked sobs, Mob’s aura calmed down and Reigen’s apartment was finally still. Reigen held his student long past the sun setting, no matter how much his back protested the action. He rubbed circles in Mob’s back, talking about anything and everything until he slumped against his chest, fast asleep.

He was in the middle of a rant about the proper way to season pork when the peace was broken by his ringtone. It was muffled, tangled in the comforter they both sat on. He rifled through the blanket's folds, digging out his phone and flipping it open. The time blinked back at him.

"9:13 already?" He mused under his breath, hitting the answer button.

Before he could start up his customer service greeting, the woman on the line cut in.

"Reigen?" Mrs. Kageyama demanded, relief lacing her concern. Reigen's eyebrows rose.

"Oh, hey, Mrs. Kageyama." Reigen answered dumbly. She forewent her usual correction of the formality and rushed into the reason why she called.

"Is Shige with you? He was supposed to be home hours ago and he hasn't been answering his phone." Her tone was scolding but the frantic pace she spoke with gave away her anxiety. Reigen looked down at Mob's slowly rising and falling back as the boy dozed. He still clung to Reigen's middle in a tight grip, sitting up despite his exaustion.

"He's with me. Sorry for worrying you, I didn't see the time." He pinched between his eyes, "It's been a long day, if I'm being honest. Shigeo's asleep right now, but I can get him a cab or something if you need him home."

Mrs. Kageyama answered slowly, a warning just under her words, "Did something happen?"

Reigen winced.

Lying to Mob's parents wasn't something he loved doing- they already put so much trust in him with their son and violating that trust made his skin crawl. They could also be pretty intimidating when they wanted to be, especially his strict mother. What had happened on the Asagiri job was horrible and keeping that from Mob's parents didn't sit right with him.

On the other hand, Mob seemingly hadn't told anyone else about it yet. If his student wasn't comfortable telling his parents about Mogami, then Reigen had no place doing it for him.

"Nothing drastic. Just a bad night's sleep, I think," he stretched the truth. "He's hanging out at my place." Reigen let out a hollow laugh, "Don't worry, he's been fed. We were just eating ramen and watching TV before you called."

"I wasn't criticising you, Reigen." He could hear the smile in her voice as she teased him, "I'm sure you boys had lots of fun. Just make sure he hasn't been cursed or whatever it's called."

His smile strained. Sure, Mob hadn't been cursed by a spirit, but another kind of heavy presence hung over him. This was something they couldn't just exorcise in a second– something that would follow him around for the foreseeable future.

"I'll have you know, Mrs. Kageyama, I'll be 30 soon. I wouldn't exactly call myself a 'boy' anymore." Reigen joked weakly. It was hard to keep his festering guilt out of his voice.

She hummed sarcastically, "Goodnight, Reigen. Let me know when Shige wakes up." Reigen agreed and quickly hung up. He snapped his phone shut as quietly as possible, letting out a sigh into the remaining silence.

Judging by the time and the heavy weight of Mob's head on his shoulder as the boy slept soundly, Reigen was sure he wouldn't be getting back to Mrs. Kageyama anytime soon. He shot her a text saying just as much.

Gently, Mob's fists were released from the sides of his tracksuit. Reigen tucked him in, slipping off of the squeaky mattress. He nabbed his laptop from where it lay forgotten next to Mob's head, settling onto his couch and resting it on his stomach. The couch was way too small for Reigen to sleep on, but he could handle his ankles dangling off the arm for one night if it meant Mob would sleep peacefully in turn. He reached around under his coffee table, finding a thin fleece blanket with a triumphant smirk he didn't really feel. It also didn't cover his feet.

Reigen fell into a restless sleep, passing out in the early hours of the morning with his clunky laptop pressing into his gut uncomfortably.

The only solace from his endless nightmares, was the soft, steady snores of his student filling the air in his apartment. Everytime he woke, stomach roiling and berating himself over how badly he had failed Mob, he was comforted by that noise.

Part of Reigen knew that it was probably because the boy was exhausted after the day he's had, but a smaller, softer part of him wanted to believe he put the boy's dreams at ease. The thought that Mob felt safe and cared for, at least for now, in his presence warmed his heart– no matter how much he tried to deny it.

Reigen dialled Salt Middle School the next morning, calling his student in sick. He and Mob spent the day walking through parks and eating mochi, instead. They don't talk about their conversation last night, but Mob leans into his space more than usual and Reigen makes sure to smile at his student more; when they part for dinner, Reigen ruffles his hair and Mob huffs out a faint laugh, not bothering to duck away from his hand.

#something something i like when reigen takes care of his kids and listens to their problems #dont tag as anything weird or ill hunt you down. this is platonic i cant believe i have to say that #mob psycho 100 #mp100 #my fic #2 fics in one night? i have way more where that came from baby #i think at this point i have 8? ish? at least 5 are finished and 1 of them has a finished draft that i just need to finish the good copy of #smth you should know about me is that LOVE mogami arc. like love love. im obsessed with it #its just so raw?? compared to the other arcs i think it goes the farthest content wise. like mob gets stabbed lol #only rivaled by the 7th division arc i think. but even then the most violent bits in there are short #i think its so interesting that mob was trapped in another world (that he was 100% convinced was real btw)-#-where he was relentlessly othered and bullied-- esp in the manga! its not just minori- he gets picked on for being bad at sports #-and minori makes it a point to single him out as someone weird and different from the rest of their classmates #its just so. like ik the lesson he learns is that some ppl change and some ppl wont and he has to accept that when faced with conflict-#-but theres no way that other world didnt fuck him up are you kidding me #you just know mob cant look at crows anymore without feeling uneasy. or cant stand the smell of spoiled milk. or gets nervous in class #reigen arataka #shigeo kageyama #mogami arc #mrs kageyama doesnt have a name </3 sorry girl i love you forever tho #mp100 fanfic

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coldshrugs · 1 year

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staring up

pairing: io/estinein word count: 900 note: this wasn't actually supposed to be sad but io's tragic backstory leaked in. inspired by this cute art of cartoon ducks.

Mor Dhona is surprisingly cold tonight; a northern wind blows down from Coerthas and carries the promise of snow. Tataru spent the day decorating the Rising Stones in shining Starlight baubles, and Ephemie mulled enough apple cider to fill even the farthest reaches of their base with the scent of cinnamon.

Winter is around the corner.

The chill in the air does nothing to deter Io's plans. She waits by the aetheryte, wrapped in a thick fleece blanket and holding two steaming mugs of cider. Neither warmth compares to the giddiness burning in her chest.

She's early, impatient to see him. If she has to guess, Estinien will account for this. And maybe she hopes, just a little, he's longed to see her too.

The air before her shimmers and sparks white-blue, and there he is, not at all dressed for the weather but wearing a knowing grin.

Estinien strides the few paces between them, kisses her temple (too far from her lips), and says, "And here I thought you might surprise me, Io."

The retort about the measurability of his own actions is lost as he takes a mug and her free hand. "Now, where are you taking me for this "star watching?""

"Gazing," she corrects. "And there's an overlook not far from here that should be perfect. This meteor shower is expected to be one of the most active Eorzea has seen in some time."

They exit the settlement, carefully balancing their drinks as they climb the rocky ridge. Jagged crystals poke through the soil at odd angles, glowing softly along their path. It's less than arduous, but their hands remain entwined until they reach their destination.

The cliff is unassuming from the main road, secluded enough that they won't be disturbed. Estinien slows as they near the precipice, caught off guard by the view. The land below them, around them, is alight with crystals echoing the same bright blue as the Crystal Tower stretching into a cloudless sky speckled with winter constellations. Silvertear Lake reflects it all like a dark, glittering mirror, marred only by the silhouette of the Agrius and Midgardsormr coiled around it.

Io tears her eyes away from Estinien's surprise in time to catch the tail of a meteor streaking across the sky.

"Come." She tugs his hand. "Let's sit."

They settle down just before the cliff's edge, Io sitting between his legs, her back against Estinien's chest. She's turned slightly to make conversation easier, and one of his knees bends upward to support her. The blanket wraps around their shoulders, not wide enough to fully cocoon them both. Neither complain; the wind whipping across the overlook is an excuse to inch that much closer.

The shower starts slowly, a lone star winking across the heavens here and there, but soon the night sky is radiant with them. They point one out, following its sparkling descent only to miss the next.

Io sips the last of her cider and places the empty cup next to Estinien’s. Her hand falls to his raised knee. "Do they wish upon stars in Ishgard? Or is it considered blasphemous?"

"Blasphemous? Against what?" Estinien meets her eye, and his confusion is earnest.

"The Holy See's church. Or perhaps the astrologians don't like it. I'm not sure, Estinien, but Ishgard is not exactly whimsical."

His laugh is rough and short as his fingers twist into her hair. "Is Dalmasca?" He watches her watching the sky. The attention is welcome and comfortable.

"More than Ishgard, yes." She nudges him with her elbow. She thinks to tell him about decorating her village in a whirl of color for summer festivals that lasted days, or racing from tree to tree with her siblings, grabbing ripe fruits along the way as a prize for the winner. Perhaps, the evenings when the entire community gathered to eat, sing, and be together because they could?

She goes quiet in his arms, thinking of her last day in her homeland. Loose dirt flying into the air with each explosion. Red all around her, fire and blood. The fear in her younger siblings’ eyes, even as they looked at her with unconditional trust, and the gnawing in her gut that, in the end, their trust was misplaced. That last day makes all the other memories too sore to share. She tries to keep the ache out of her voice. "I can't account for the more recent changes."

“Look at me,” Estinien says, and she does. His expression is serious, his eyes soft. “We are far from that place. Those places. The scars serve as a reminder of what was lost. They prove, too, that wounds do heal. We’ll talk about our first homes someday.”

Io bites her lip to stop her eyes from watering, and she nods. Her face turns to the sky and the beautiful lights cutting across deep blue, but her attention is on Estinien’s arms pulling her into his warmth. His chin is on her shoulder, and he kisses her jaw. She reaches up to stroke his cheek, and he sighs into the touch. They’re quiet for a long time.

So long, in fact, that the meteor shower slows and Io assumes it’s reached its end. One last star bursts to life, brighter than most of the others. This evening's incandescent punctuation.

"You should make a wish before it goes."

He squeezes her tightly.

"Let it go. I have no need."

#azia writes #io laithe #io/estinien #love to post a fic at 1am and run #ANYWAYYYYYYY i'm sick and ill about them #i feel like i'm swinging wildly out of character but like. estinio's whole vibe is comfy domestic softness and a sprinkle of healing #plus it's always that good shit when one of them is sort of grumpy or short with most other people but just. a puddle for their love #and i like to think they're both far more open with each other than they can be around other people #but there are still some things they can't talk about. even if they understand #idk idk I'M JUST SHRUGGING. they're spinning violently in my mind what else am i meant to say #BYE

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toytulini · 10 months

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I saw Barbie last night, I dont think i have a long film review of it for yall but idk I'll put some thoughts under a readmore I guess?

-Right off the bat, I enjoyed it, it was fun. It was a fun pink poppy romp. Thats about what I expected of it, and thats pretty much what I got

-Its not particularly radical in its gender/feminism takes, its very basic, which, I saw a number of ppl mention that before I saw it so I wasnt expecting anything radical. It couldve done better. it was. fine. im shrug about it i guess.

-My mom enjoyed it and was apparently not expecting any sort of emotional depth or story at all so it caught her off guard. I heard her crying. she cries easy at movies. I'm glad my mom liked it. Maybe she'll absorb some of the very basic feminism it drops idk.

-I knew the Kens adopted patriarchy and introduced it to Barbieland but it felt lile that happened very fast, idk.

-The ending....I. is her going to a gynecologist supposed to be like. shes gotten a vagina by deciding to be human?? or is she trying to schedule a surgery or something? that felt pretty weird to me if im honest, i thought it was gonna be a job interview or smth... Especially with how everyone was like "Barbie is ace (heheeh i agree) cos she has no genitals! (sorry what. excuse me. wanna run that by me again?)" like okay that makes that headcanon reasoning even more dewply uncomfortable that it already was?

-I enjoyed weird Barbie. i wish theyd cast someone else cos iirc ka/te mckin/non was a transmisogynist? unless she apologized or said she changed her mind on the topic since like 2017?? but i havent seen anything? idk. just. annoying to keep platforming these ppl. i guess theres probably other actors involved that have shit views of trans ppl. whatever i guess.

-I did dress up a little. i feel like my outfit had Weird Barbie Vibes. maybe ill post a pic.

-I did enjoy it and it had a number of shots and or transitions i liked, i think the one with the disco ball to the moon or whatever was enjoyable.

-god we really are so weird about barbie

-it just feels factually incorrect that all dolls pre barbie were baby dolls? idk. im sure it was the most common kind. but idk. not to be weird about The History Of Dolls but like. the porcelain dolls from the Victorian era. idk if those count as baby dolls. iirc those were to help young girls practice prepping dead bodies of loved ones for funerals or smth??? but i guess porcelain dolls have a sort of babyish look about them. and are fragile so you cant play rough with them.

-Like i Know its a 2hr long toy commercial for mattel but also god that cant be right. even if they werent filling the same niche as barbie as idk basically a fashion doll? there had to be other dolls right?

-I know the flat foot thing is Supposed to be over the top and silly for them all to get upset about but also tbh. as a bitch with falling arches the way some of yall make jokes about flat feet still is uh. well. rude. but also lmao man. the day my arches started hurting for no reason while i was barefoot did sorta feel emotionally like her feet falling to the ground lol.

-i want to introduce barbie to margot robbie's harley quinn owo. i think that would be Fun :3

-i want Ken's job. how do i do Beach as an occupation.

-I actually liked how they handled Ken and Barbie's rship til the end. i feel weird about that ending overall and also it feels weak wrt her dynamic as Ken. they make him grapple w her not reciprocating his feelings the same way but then she just leaves barbieland anyway?? and ig they dont get to explore a friendship or qpr dynamic. ok. its fine i guess.

-her saying she has no genitalia felt so transgender in a way im not sure it was intended to. ken saying he has all of the genitalia felt even more transgender. headcanoning them both as extremely transgender in fun weird new ways and no one can stop me.

-Allan is my favorite character i think. bro me too

-bibbleless movie. add bibble.

#toy txt post #barbie spoilers #barbie movie #everyone kept trying to get my dad to come see it and like.i get it.but genuinely he would hate it even if not for his conservative bullshit #he hates goofy fun movies. OR. he wouldve actually enjoyed it a little bit and been REALLY ANNOYING ABOUT IT bc he would never admit it #and insist he hated it #and hed enjoy the ken patriarchy thing too much #basically im very glad we didnt drag my dad along cos i have to live with him and i think he would be insufferable about it #he has no appreciation for any kind of whimsy or fun! he would hate this silly movie #also this was the first time id been in a movie theater since pre2020.#i enjoyed dressing up in a silly little outfit. but i think i wouldve been happier to wait for it to be out of theaters tbh. theaters teste #tested my patience even before covid like oh im gonna sit uncomfortably in this chair and crane my neck up at this screen and i cant pause #it and theres no captions and people are Eating all around me and now i go and its all the same but im the only one wearing a mask so i dont #get to have a lil snack either and i still have to hear ppl eating around me and part way thru the movie someone across the aisle was making #some kind of horrible very wet and loud gulping noise with their drink or Something?? and i did feel violent about it #i would never be violent about it but my god do i feel like biting. you know. anyway. not sure if ill bother seeing any more movies #in theater now. i just would like them at home. idk #i will give props to barbie. it was like kovie theater loud but at least it wasnt giant major booms and inaudible ass dialogue

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noisytenant · 1 year

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i think the world is so much more beautiful and safe-feeling when you think about the things that people find scary and confusing and uncomfortable and sit with them for a while.

i think a lot of us worry that we will be consumed by badness, corrupted in some way if we take the merest look, but i don’t think that’s how it works.

there are always more things cast in shadow, but my life is much better for not treating certain topics as untouchable on principle. i feel more lucid, in control, and generally “bright” for allowing my curiosity to take me where it leads. and in believing in my own ability to take care of myself and behave as a moral actor, rather than viewing myself as potential prey to a great unseen evil, i have been affirmed of my moral philosophy and character with a level of security i never felt before. i hope others can experience this liberation in their own ways.

#indexed post #Sorry if this is vaguely worded but it kind of refers to like everything #Just. Anything you think is scary and untouchable. Asking ‘How bad could it be? Is there an entry point to penetrate its monolithic status?’#I can say specifically that like the severity and frequency of aggressive and violent intrusive thoughts—#which i have had for literally my whole life—#have diminished nearly entirely. Not to say i don’t have moral OCD but it is a lot more manageable and.. like… Nuanced.#It feels less like OCD is a malignant disorder upon me and more like a way of living and being that can be painful but also Okay #So yeah… Spreading the word… I mean I could talk about like strategies for doing this but also idk it varies.#Maybe someday ill finish my essays on such topics and publish them for real

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