#i havent even started grading my students essays

[carebooks]

Emma and Daniel did not belong together.

After extensively rewatching Every Witch Way during Spring Break (yep, that's how I spent Spring Break), I went through tumblr and saw people wondering if this fandom still exists. Well, even if there's only like fifteen people on it, let's discuss Emma and one of her main love interests: Daniel.

I would like to disclose that I am a Jemma fan, after Jax showed up in S2, Daniel went out the window for little thirteen-year-old me. This isn't a Daniel VS Jax post, this is just about Emma and Daniel's relationship. This post will mainly reflect on why I think that, in the long run, they did not belong together. They're definitely a first loves ship, but not an endgame ship.

In S1 both were still young and finding their footing, but mainly Emma. Daniel had already dated Maddie for a while and then went through the whole first season flirting and liking Emma after his break up with Maddie. Daniel was also on top of his game, being the Sharks Swim Captain, and other than Maddie being his girlfriend, his life was happy and fine. Emma coming in merely improved it, she was nicer, thoughtful, and down to earth. But Emma's story was just beginning, she was discovering being a witch, having to deal with her powers, a witch bully Maddie at school, and daily shenanigans that entailed the magical world. Daniel is the last person to discover Emma is a witch and he also has the worst reaction to it. Not that surprising considering how regular his life has been, but that kind of tells us where this was headed.

In S2 Emma and Daniel have been together for months now, all through the summer. The thing is, Daniel's been happier than ever and he thinks Emma's powers never came back, something that she's been hiding from him this entire time. Lying to your SO is never a good thing, especially about something this big, something that is literally part of you. There are reasons for both of them however:

Emma knew how happy Daniel was that she was 'regular' and didn't want to ruin what they had by bringing in all her witch stuff, which tended to bring all sorts of chaos and antics.

Daniel didn't want Emma to have powers out of fear that other evil witches would come after her because she was the Chosen One.

While these are reasonable explanations for both of them, they're not fixing any of their real issues. Emma should not be lying to her boyfriend, eventually, it did catch up to her and she tried using magic to make him forget. Also not a good thing, even if she wanted a 'redo' at telling him. When he does find out, it causes their downfall. The thing is, Emma lied because Daniel just can't handle her being a witch. He's said that her powers being back would "ruin everything" and has shown a fear of witches when magic was brought up in S2E05. Emma keeps telling him that powers or no powers, she's still a witch. Still, she chose to hide a part of herself to try to have a normal relationship with her boyfriend. But hiding a part of yourself is never the answer and it eats away at you.

S2 also explores the fact that witches can't date humans, it's not allowed. The Council tries to have Emma break up with him otherwise they must take the witches magic away, but Emma being the Chosen One is a special case. Her magic removal is not on the table and she wants to keep her powers regardless. (I mean I agree with Emma, let the girl date whoever she wants) But it is another thing that drives them further apart, unfortunately, the Council ended up being right, most humans just can't handle the magical world. (Andi can handle it, so can Katie and Sophie, but Daniel can't.)

When it comes to the Fool Moon, it has a different effect on all sorts of witches. Jax's greed and envy magnify, Desdemona turns vindictive and wants Emma's powers, and Emma's impulse control is gone. This leads to Emma casting spells without really thinking about the consequences and out in the open. The Fool Moon is just a witch or wizard's desires coming to the surface. In retrospect, Maddie was just as affected, she started improving (slightly, but still progress) and didn't run from her feelings toward Diego. She was more open and entered a relationship with him.

We also see Emma's clones in this season. Her first clone, E, encompasses her dark side with none of the good. She calls Daniel dull, she's bored with him and his ideas for dates, and she finds Jax fun and wants to do magic whenever she wants. She's happy when Daniel breaks up with Emma because 1. She found him boring and 2. They get to keep their powers now and the Council can stop hounding them. This may be Emma's darkest side but it's still Emma. Some part of her does believe that Daniel is dull and finds Jax fun. Granted, her third clone, the Nerdy Emma is all about Daniel. This is why the clone spell is so very illegal, a witch is essentially pulling out a part of themselves and without the rest to balance it, they become a paragon of just one emotion or drive or aspect of their original personality. They're not whole. The Real Emma shares all these traits inside herself, she does like Daniel, she does find him dull sometimes, she does like math, she does find it boring at times, and she does like Jax but she does think he goes overboard sometimes.

See, this is where we come into an important piece of dialogue in S2 E16 between Maddie and Daniel talking about their romantic troubles.

Maddie: But if you two were still together, you'd want her to stop using her powers? Daniel: Maybe. Maddie: Then you don't accept Emma for who she is. And as a fellow witch, I'm offended for her!

This is an interesting moment in which someone like Maddie, someone who doesn't like Emma but is a witch just like her, sees that while Emma lied to Daniel, she did it because Daniel doesn't accept her as who she is.

Daniel has openly expressed anger and disinterest at the magic world. And hey, I understand, after all the spells Jax has cast on him to make him look bad in front of Emma's dad, or just the usual magic hijinks from Emma or Maddie, magic is not Daniel's friend. He doesn't find it fun or cool like Andi, he's not desensitized to it like Katie and Sophie. He's suffered from it and doesn't want anything to do with it and hey I can respect that. But this isn't good when you're in a relationship with a witch, the most powerful one in fact. So he's tiptoeing a line constantly between wanting to be with his girlfriend but disliking and fearing something that's part of her (and part of his friends' lives: Maddie and Diego).

Let's get to S3 when he was marked by Mia with her Kanay spider. Spider!Daniel broke up with Emma, started dating Mia, was a general jerk at school, even tied up his little siblings. It turns out that Mia's Spider doesn't cause him to act strange or evil, it just unleashes someone's 'inner wild'. It makes them do what they most want to do. So, Daniel did want to break up with Emma. He called Emma and Maddie trouble-brewing witches and had no problem telling a complete stranger all about their powers.

Now we could get into how Daniel's life was turned upside down more than plenty of times because of magic, but nothing beats S4 when Emma literally rewrites time when Daniel disappears. He and his family end up running an animal sanctuary and dating Mia. Then his life gets put back and it's for the worse because now he has no animals, no girlfriend, and he's back in a school hated by the principal. Overall, Daniel was not having a good time in S4. One of the many reasons why Emma puts him back where he was happy. (I would also like to remind everyone that Mia and her previously deceased parents were alive in the new accidental timeline of S4. I believe that Emma also was the cause of this, not only did she unintentionally give Daniel a better life but the same to Mia. And then she restored that life at the end of the season.)

In conclusion, Jemma forever.

But really, I hope someone reads this and enjoys or sees the situation from both sides and how they weren't really a good couple. Kind of doomed in the end when you think about it. I mean the girl loves butterflies and he's allergic to butterflies. I don't think the writers were subtle with that one, huh.

#i spent so much time on this #i havent even started grading my students essays #i hate it here #but still this was fun; i hope someone out there liked it #please enjoy :) #every witch way #emma alonso #jax novoa #daniel miller #eww jemma #eww demma #maddie van pelt #andi cruz #diego rueda

[kikuneesama]

Ich habe 4.359 Mal im Jahr 2022 etwas gepostet

Das sind 761 more posts als 2021!

39 Einträge erstellt (1%)

4.320 Einträge gerebloggt (99%)

Blogs, die ich am häufigsten gerebloggt habe:

@dingdongyouarewrong

@belladonnaboudreaux

@calamitaswrath

@marierclaire

@enevera

Ich habe 838 meiner Einträge im Jahr 2022 getaggt

#nart reblog spree – 9 Einträge

#yea – 8 Einträge

#jjk – 6 Einträge

#spy x family – 5 Einträge

#my god – 4 Einträge

#anyway – 4 Einträge

#honestly – 3 Einträge

#its true – 3 Einträge

#sigh – 3 Einträge

#oh god yea – 3 Einträge

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#accusing him of deflecting after you asked him if he wants to hear his best friends voice again like you dont u nderstand how grief works

Meine Top-Einträge im Jahr 2022:

#5

when you write one of your favourite ships and it does so poorly, not even as in people dont click it, no, they just dont like it apparently

4 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. August 2022

#4

I’m offering free fanfics in exchange for a donation to ukraine on my other blog and today after i handed one off the person literally went through my story and like marked it as if they were a teacher grading an essay

not only grammar mistakes or comma but also like “wrong word” and “i dont understant what you want to say with this”.

needless to say my confidence is crushed forever so thats fun

5 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 3. April 2022

#3

Happy birthday @enevera!! Here is a little something something, I hope you might like. I'm sorry I couldn't come up with anything cooler fsdklfsdaklf. I havent written in a while and idk with my brain yet. Anyway, wish you a great day and all good things. Sending hugs <3

Uh, yeah, this is I guess Satoru x Suguru x Shouko .... maybe

2064 words

unedited because im lazy.

There is this certain type of cigarette smell that transforms Shouko back in time whenever she smells it. It does not matter where exactly she is, Tokyo’s main station, the narrow ways between the high rise buildings of Ropponing, the long way up the road to the school, if she just catches a whiff of that smell it is like she timewarped back to being a teenager.

Maybe that is why she stopped smoking those brands of cigarettes completely.

Once you enter adulthood, many people in the country start looking back at their childhood summers with this nostalgia for a time that seemed almost too perfect to be real. Anime, movies, music and tv often discuss these summers, the longing an adult feels for them and how a time like this would never happen ever again.

Shouko hated this. Summers were hot, summers were sweaty and overtly sunny and full of bugs and cicada noise. As a kid she would hide in the basement, and now, as an adult, she was doing much the same. 

Her childhood summer, the one she longs for, happened when started when she was 15. It lasted for much more than four years and it smelled of chewing gum, wooden rooms and menthol cigarettes.

Being a person who can see cursed spirits didn’t make you a popular student with the other kids in schools. So for her first 8 or so years in school, Shouko tried to stay out of everybody’s way. That didn’t mean they didn’t whisper about her behind her back, thinking her interest in medicine and especially forensic sciences were odd. Still, she didn’t have it as bad as other kids like her, she was not bullied, she was mostly just left alone.

It was good to be alone. She knew how to cope alone.

It was an unusually warm April day, the cherry blossoms just falling down the trees when Shouko entered Jujutsu High for the first time. She was almost sweating in the black new uniform with the long sleeves. She was greeted by the headmaster, introduced to her teacher and told that she’d share the year with two boys. She wasn’t very interested in them.

Shouko heard Gojo Satoru before she saw him. The corridor with the student rooms was full of the noise of his laughter. When he introduced himself to her, with that sly smile of his, and told her who he was, what significance he had, how he was going to be unbeatable, Shouko guessed and guessed right instantly, that he was overplaying.

That he was lonely was obvious, even if you couldn’t see his eyes.

Geto Suguru was a different kind of boy. He was quiet, an outsider and he knew it. He was friendly, always overly courteous. He inquired about her medical books and anatomy posters and overall did some friendly small talk. Shouko guessed that he too had been mostly alone and instead of becoming louder, like Satoru, had just quieted down more. 

All three of them were similar in that regard.

At first she thought she'd never like either of them very much. 

And so classes began.

Getting to know both of them was a slow but rewarding process. Shouko had been right about Satoru, he had been isolated from other people most of his life so far and craved human connections. He would come by her room even when she was studying, hanging on her bed throwing balls at the ceiling and down until she told him to leave.

Suguru turned out to be a real nerd. Super interesting and classic and modern Anime and Manga, though he hid his addiction well. In his room he kept most of his Manga volumes under his bed and in the corner, all neatly packed and dust free, as if they were porn magazines. But if he was asked about it, he would never stop talking. Shouko sometimes spent evenings with him just sitting side by side reading in comfortable silence.

She knew the boys were doing things together without her too. That they spent time with just the two of them. One time she opened the door to Satoru’s room for this and that and they were laying shoulder to shoulder on his bed. 

At the time she had no way to explain the stinging she felt at being excluded from the intimate moment.

They were a trio. Most first years came into the school in Trio’s or groups of four, but none were as close as the three of them. It was impossible to mention Suguru without mentioning Satoru and Shouko too. Triple S, the first years called them once they graduated to year two, and they meant it in annoyance and admiration.

That second spring, Shouko brought the menthol cigarettes for the first time. She ignored the “That’s bad for your health” and “those stink” comments from Satoru whenever she put on one, and his dramatically waving hands if it was around him. Smoking was nice and a stress relief and made her feel good.

Smoking wasn’t allowed in the dorms or through the open windows as the smell could seep into the furniture and curtains, so Shouko often had to go outside to have some. Either of the boys, sometimes both of them, often accompanied her then, even if Satoru often pulled a face.

The smell of the cigarettes seeped into all of them anyway, their hair, their clothes, their minds that summer, with so many things happening. Shouko was watching the boys grow from the sidelines. Her career path was different and so they were often separated. But before and after missions they’d still all sit together, outside, on porches or in gardens and on benches, talking, laughing and the smell of Shouko’s cigarettes were always there too.

Shouko loved both of them. Each in their own way, but at best together. In those times she used to think that if she’d be able to live with them side by side forever, she would never need to marry. They would be family enough.

Suguru could endlessly talk about manga he had bought, new shonen jump issues and anime adaptations, but it was Satoru who brought in the story that finally helped her figure her mind out. It was a Shoujo manga, something Suguru would never touch if he could help it. Satoru was raving about it, the story of a protagonist who couldn’t choose between two suitors. “She loves them both,” Satoru exclaimed. “So she can’t choose! It's incredibly exciting to read.”  

“You can’t love two people,” Shouko said in reflex, but took the books anyway. To humour him.

Amongst all the relatively standard romance and reverse-harem tropes Shouko actually did find the narrative pretty interesting. The lead character did love both boys very clearly and struggled to decide who to pursue. Didn’t help that both guys had different personality traits that fit neatly into hers, but none of them was perfect.

Vollständigen Eintrag ansehen

7 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 10. Oktober 2022

#2

alright @nyctibrae i continued f m a b (finally!) from the point we both stopped watching together which means episode 10 and my review for that one is: pain

get back for more reviews tomorrow

9 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 24. September 2022

Meine #1 des Jahres 2022

*slides into ur asks* Watching FMA I hear? 👀

Yes!! It is @foebito's favourite anime soooo we did the best trade deal of all the trade deals in history so I finally get to watch it :D I got to pick 4? Anime or so to match the runtime of FMAB which we will watch together (and 2 we already did and one halfway!) and we started FMAB... last week?

10 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. März 2022

Hol dir deinen Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 →

#tumblr2022 #Jahresrückblick #Mein Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 #Dein Tumblr-Jahresrückblick #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #oh my god its all in german #anyway asdfhalsdf #that one ask is like my most liked post

[idkhow-butyoufoundme]

FNFJDHDKHDKNDJH ITS DUE TODAY

#I HAVENT STARTED #W H O O P S #I mean it’s only RE it won’t be t h a t bad if my grade is shit #I genuinely don’t understand why we have to be able to write essays and speeches n stuff about Jesus #half the students here aren’t even Christian

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

 u know..... i just can’t bring myself to be motivated for something that’s as dumb as this degree lol... like i wanna finish it so i haven’t like wasted the last 3 yrs of my life but also........... i’m like........ what’s the fucking point u kno?? 

#personal #i just.... feel so done with it all lol #even my dissertation which i was rly hyped about has just been turned sour #(*starts singing jesus christ superstar*) #cos it's all about ticking boxes and getting grades and just complete SHIT like this #& i kno that's just the education system lol but it fucking sucks #this one teacher kept going on about how last yrs students had really good essays an i was like ???? so???? i dont give a shit lol??? #like we're not last year??? we're different fucking human beings like?????? #and then she was all like 'aND THerE WEre 12 fiRRSTS' & i was like ??? #i just cant b dealing with people who care more about us getting good grades then actually on teaching us something useful lol #likeee why else do u think so many famous people have careers completely separate from their degrees lol? #(side note: i dont rly have any interest in becoming famous... i just wanna b able to do something i enjoy that pays well is that too much?) #ok i'm just ranting now lol... i'm just.... Sad(tm) #i just havent had the chance to just... learn something since like year 8 or 9 lol?? #maybe even before that idek #& that's almost 10 years ago.... 10 yrs of education that's just fixated on me getting a certain grade #like.... grades only matter if u wanna go back into education lol... like literally... #and no chance in goddamn HELL am i going to do a masters or post graduate program ever lol #ok i'm done #(for now)

[collegecoward]

Hey, so I graduated this past May and since then I've just been working 40 hours a week. I feel like I need to go to college to do something with my life but I feel like theres so much in my way and I havent done anything to even start and I dont have a clue what I'd want to do. I'm so unsure on how to do anything regarding financial aid or even applying to colleges. I'm also worried that it wouldn't work with my schedule for my job. I work 5 days with 2 off days and I'm on evenings so I feel like I wouldn't be able to balance work and school, but I would have to bc I'm my only financial support. Sorry for the dumping my problems, but any advice?

How To Do College 101

Congratulations on your graduation! Working a full-time job after graduation (during a freaking pandemic, no less) is no small feat either, and I applaud you for that, too. Once upon a time, I was like you: I didn’t know anything about college except that I wanted to go, and now I run a blog telling people how to go to college. College might be strange and unfamiliar now, but in time, you will learn how to do it! 

This might be my longest post, so strap in for a fun ride!! My answer comes to you in three parts:

How To Do Community College

How To Do University

How To Do Financial Aid

P.S. I’m going to say this only once, but feel free to ask why: Do not attend a for-profit college. Okay, now onto the basics!

How To Do Community College

I encourage you to read my Ode to Community College. Community colleges are real colleges designed for people who are low on funds, are working or have other responsibilities, don’t know what they want to study yet, and/or don’t know how college works yet.

Step 1: Applying

Community colleges accept anyone who applies, and the application is usually just like filling out a job application, but you will also need to send in your high school transcript, and I recommend sending any test scores. Your college may have you take a placement test to see if you’re ready for college. If you’re not quite ready, they may have you take some pre-college courses in English or math before you officially start a degree program.

Step 2: Choosing a Degree Program

Among other things, community colleges award associate’s degrees, which are essentially the first two years of a bachelor’s degree at a four-year college or university. You’ll take introductory classes like English, math, science, and social sciences, as well as electives (i.e. fun classes). Here’s a list of programs that might be offered at your community college.

Step 3: Taking the Right Classes

Make sure you stick to your college’s degree plan so that you take classes that 1) count toward your associate’s degree and 2) will transfer to a university. Most classes you take for an associate’s degree (AA, AS, or AFA) should transfer to a bachelor’s degree (BA, BS, or BFA) easily enough, but sometimes universities aren’t very transfer-friendly. The best option is to transfer to a university that has a partnership with your community college, which is information you should be able to find on your community college’s website. If your community college doesn’t have any partners, you’ll want to research the transfer policies at the universities you’re interested in and follow their guidelines on what classes to take.

Step 4: Transferring

In your last year of community college, you will apply to a four-year college or university for your bachelor’s degree. You’ll need to pick a major when you apply because for the next two years, that’s what you will be studying. Make sure you tour the university before you attend and get acclimated before your first day! 

How To Do University

Whether or not you attend community college for the first two years or enroll directly into a four-year college or university, you’ll want to understand how to navigate the basics as early as possible.

Step 1: Exploring Your Options

Use my Self-Reflection Toolkit and this quiz from Marquette University to explore potential majors. These are just meant to get you thinking and guide you as you learn more about yourself and your interests. This process will take time to research and figure out, and if you enroll directly into a four-year college you can change your major after you apply. As I mentioned, the first two years are mostly basics and figuring stuff out, so either way you have time. 

I was very bad at choosing colleges to apply to and applied almost at random. I learned a lot from those mistakes, and on my FAQ page you’ll see me trying to impart that wisdom on others. I recommend doing your research, going on virtual tours, and getting used to just looking at college websites, even if you don’t know what you want yet. Start by window shopping for colleges in your state and see what they have to offer you. College Board also has tools for finding a college that fits your needs. It’s worth starting as early as possible, and I know that you can do it. Like I said, I was really bad at it and I still made it through.

Step 2: Applying

Applying to a four-year college will take more steps than a community college application. Many colleges require letters of recommendation, essays, and application fees (look on their websites for fee waivers). More information is on my FAQ page, of course, but be prepared to complete these steps before application deadlines. Each college sets its own deadline, but if you want to go next year, you’ll likely need to apply by January or February. Applying can be daunting, but you will need to do it at some point, even if you go to community college first. 

Step 3: Finding Resources

Access any and all resources your university offers, which will include advising, counseling, career services, and more. The same is true at a community college, but I would argue it’s even more true at a university. You might find out about internships, research opportunities, fun events, and all that stuff that excited you when you saw it on your university’s website! Even if you don’t feel like you need resources, you’re paying for them, so you might as well use them! Often people won’t know how to help you unless you tell them you’re struggling, like how you told me what you’re going through and I wrote a post that’s turning into a short novel! (I’ll be done soon, I promise.)

Step 4: Taking The Right Classes

Just like at a community college, you want to make sure you’re taking classes that count toward your degree and interest you. Make sure you’re following the prescribed degree plan on your university’s website and communicated by your advisor. If you find that you’ve chosen a major that doesn’t fit your interests, make sure you speak with your professors, your advisor, and anyone else whose opinion you trust.

How To Do Financial Aid

Step 1: Understanding The Basics

There are three major types of financial aid: loans (money you have to pay back after you graduate), grants (government money you’re awarded based on your financial need that you don’t have to pay back), and scholarships (money from a college or other source that is awarded for any reason that you don’t have to pay back). Loans might come from the government, your college, or a bank. I recommend borrowing from the federal government because the interest is so low (basically, it’s cheaper to pay off than a bank loan).

Step 2: Filling Out FAFSA

If you want to go to college next fall, or if you just want to do a practice round, fill out FAFSA now. I’m assuming you’re under 24, so you will need your parents’ tax information even if they’re not going to help you pay for college. Filling out FAFSA will never, not ever ever ever require you or your parents to take out any loans. Rather, FAFSA gives you access to any need-based financial aid you might be eligible for, whether that aid comes from the government or not. Loans agreements are a totally separate form, and you can take some loans without your parents’ help. If you’re not eligible for FAFSA, check whether your state or college has its own FAFSA alternative.

Step 3: Reading Your Award Letter

After a college sends an acceptance letter, they will also send a financial aid award letter. The letter will show you how much you’ve been awarded in scholarships and grants and how much you can take out in loans from the federal government or the college itself. You should compare your financial aid amount to the total cost of attendance, will you can find on the college’s financial aid webpage. The total cost of attendance is how much it costs to pay for tuition, fees, housing, and a rough estimate of your other living expenses. Basically, it’s how much it costs to be a student for one year.

As you said, I wouldn’t expect you to be able to work 40 hours while maintaining good grades, so may need to be frugal and creative to fill in any gaps financial aid didn’t cover. Private colleges tend to have a really big “sticker price,” but may offer generous scholarships as discounts, whereas public colleges tend to be cheaper and may have (large and small) scholarships to help you pay.

Step 4: Applying

In addition to the scholarships that you may be automatically awarded if you meet certain criteria, your colleges may also have scholarships that you have to apply for by yourself. This information will be located on a college’s financial aid webpage. There are also scholarships from nonprofit organizations and businesses. Visit my resources page for info, ask people you know if they’re aware of any scholarships, ask your boss and coworkers, and ask Google for “scholarships in [your town].”

Okay, I threw a lot at you, but those are the basics as I see them! You can totally do this. It’s going to be a big learning curve, but the payoffs will be big. And you can always come back here for more advice and reassurance. I’m proud of you already for thinking of your future and doing what you can to support yourself and your learning.

#application #apply #appblr #major #community college #transfer #financial aid #student loans #scholarships

[drashleighreid]

ugh i know i’ve made this post before but i’m honestly just in awe of how much and how quickly my studies/perception of my own abilities turned around last semester. like i’ve struggled so much with impostor syndrome and not feeling like i’m good enough or feeling less than. i’ve struggled a lot with my sense of self, especially through having adhd, i was the typical case of doing really well in high school and having rly inflated ambition etc and then going to university and crashing and burning (multiple times) i tried studying like 3 or 4 different things and ending up hating it/dropping out after a semester until i finally started studying film when i was 23. it kind of felt like a last hope for me like i even remember when i did my big 6 month backpacking trip before i moved to melb i was in toronto hanging out with my friend who was trying to convince me to get a work visa and move there and work with him and i told him i was thinking id go back to aus and start studying again but that id consider it and i remember he made like a flippant remark about me trying study again like it wasnt intended to be rude but just that he knew that id hated uni every time id gone lkjlkjsf and even when i started the course i knew that like it was kinda my last hope of getting a degree which had always been a big goal of mine, i felt shit about myself a lot of my best friends from high school had already graduated at this point and i just felt hopeless - and studying something creative after feeling for so long like it wouldnt yield a stable future was a bit of a ‘fuck you i’m done’ kinda move on my part too lol but even through the first year and a half (and even a smidge beyond that) i was battling back and forth whether to drop out and i cried about it to my therapist numerous times because i didnt feel good enough and that it was hopeless etc and that everyone else was better than me, more focused than me. i couldnt even sit through films without being on my phone bc my adhd wouldnt let me so how the f was i gonna work in the industry lmao ! it was so challenging bc i legit didnt know what id do if i dropped out !!! but i just kinda kept going no matter how miserable i was and how much i was sobbing in week 13 writing my essay or how much i felt like everyone in the course were making friends with each other but i had no one or how scared i was to share my ideas with people !!!! i literally felt so bad in every way !!! 

but like through small building affirmations things just keep getting better !!! last semester i pitched a concept for a 16mm short film and it was one of the 4 ideas chosen out of like 25 to be made and i had the most rewarding experience directing the project and made amazing connections with people and created something actually amazing ??? the teachers had almost no negative feedback for it and i got the best grade i’ve ever received lol and i made some rly good friends and got a lot of positive reinforcement from the actors and people saying that i struck a rly good balance with directing and that i was amazing to work with !!! but even after that experience going into 3rd year and beginning major projects i had reservations and felt really nervous because i didnt feel prepared and i was worried that people wouldnt like my idea or after only having written/directed for all of my projects so far i felt like i had to Perform again. the the impostor syndrome - though a lot more muted than before bc i have positive experiences to lean back on!! - was kinda there again like this idea that everything i’ve accomplished so far has been a fluke and that people are gonna realise im dumb etc. etc. lmao but like ! ive pitched an idea and people i dont even know from the course have reached out saying they love it and want to work on it with me and i have basically a full crew ?? just need someone on sound?? and we havent even had the class where we have discussions about it and talk more in depth, thats solely based on a less than 2 minute video pitch and ive had so much interest !!! and it just feels so nice !! like i know this isnt the end, we still have to get greenlit by the panel before it will move ahead to production but its just so validating to have people behind you who show interest and passion toward ur ideas !! 

and ive been chatting to other people about ideas and their film concepts/chatting about helping out with other roles on other films for ppl bc u can do that and id love more hands on experience on sets so im trying to get into sound design and production design bc like no ones gonna hire a film student grad as a director kljlkjsf you gotta be a worm ! 

but like basically this is a really long winded way of saying that i cant believe people actually really value my ideas and my vision and feedback. i got this message from one of the most intelligent people i’ve ever met and like... just two bros being in awe of each other... cleansing 

honestly like !! if you read this far wig go off !! i havent done one of these long winded feelings dumps in a long time but its like good and positive feelings moving forward, even in social iso i feel so connected and wonderful. peace n blessings love u all. chase ur dreams and dont give up !! @ past me and at all of u out there !!  its gonna be ok keep going u got this bitch !!! 

#p #read more #long post

[madokasoratsugu]

living dead

[muhyo/enchu/yoichi/biko friendship fic]

summary: The little ways whereby Muhyo, Yoichi and Biko cope (or don't) with Enchu's departure.

a/n: deep sigh. i was Sad so i wrote this instead of working on an impt essay. my grades are dying. so am i. so is everyone’s heart in this fic LMAO. pls read and enjoy !! as usual read on ao3 if possible, thanks!

ao3 / ffnet

Brushing a hand across his forehead, Muhyo feels Enchu tremble with barely contained giggles as his fingers snap against his forehead, an epiphany of giggles of erupting from the pale haired boy.

Enchu’s skin is soft, unscarred. It turns red from the gentlest squeeze, bruises from the slightest push.

He is fragile, that much is clear; but Muhyo doesn’t realise how easily his gentle friend hurts until the town is burning around them, people’s screams fill the streets and Muhyo hears Enchu whisper “you took everything from me”, voice cracking and eyes glossed over with madness.

(madness or sorrow, blame or grief, lies or truth

i love you or i hate you

those whispered words, always whispered in such a shy voice as if the words were a secret only for muhyo’s ears, echo in muhyo’s mind every time he feels the weight of his executor’s book in his hand;

his mind wanders further and the words get louder when he finds an assistant with a smile that captures the essence of fragility his friend once wore like a cloak wrapped ‘round his lithe frame)

--------

“You’re lying, lying, Enchu, why, why, don’t-don’t go! Don’t do this Enchu!”

Yoichi’s pitiful screams seem to pass right by the boy in mention, who smiles mockingly down at the tear streaked face of his former friend.

The judge to be’s hands are shaking, fingers frozen around his pen and seals.

He hears footsteps behind him, knows them well enough to know it’s Muhyo’s, knows Enchu well enough to spot the flickering panic in the way his chest dips in a quick exhale.

Opening his mouth, Yoichi gives out one last strangled plea.

“Soratsugu…!”

(yoichi remembers the pale haired boy with his brilliant smile, remembers how the corners of enchu’s sky blue eyes would crinkle with amusement, remembers the way enchu’s thin arms had curled around his waist, remembers enchu’s soft sigh whenever yoichi buries his face in the crook of his neck.

yoichi remembers, treating enchu who looked like he would snap in half at the softest wind, like the finest of china.

most of all, yoichi remembers the sound of enchu’s soft laugh;

like chimes, long bidden sorrows, a tired song.)

--------

“You’ll get sick again if you eat too much.” Biko always half-heartedly chides, another steaming loaf already being brought to the table to be cut.

She knows better than anyone else, of his weak health, too breakable bones and tragic immune system; she’s their room’s unspoken for doctor, fingers calloused and scratched from herbs and artifact making, constantly smoothing down Enchu’s back as he heaves into the toilet bowl for the umpteenth time that day.

“I can never, not when you’ve baked it.” Enchu always laughs as a reply.

(then enchu takes rio away, the first(perhaps fourth) person to mean so dearly to biko she would gladly have traded an arm, an leg for her to be returned;

yet all biko can think is ‘who’s been accompanying you these cold nights in the lavatory nowadays enchu, you havent been taking care of yourself; look at the weight youve lost, im glad youre alive’

and she weeps for the boy whose heart was weaker than his body,

for the boy she would have traded her soul to be returned.)

--------

None ever talk about the white haired boy when they gather (if they gather).

They trade boisterous greetings, loud smiles, but never, never broach the subject of their once-friend emblazoned on every ‘wanted’ poster, every front page of every newspaper.

Not even when Biko cooks for four; not even when Yoichi turns to reach for a hand that isn’t there; not even when Muhyo leaves Biko’s house, leaves all that he knows and dearly loves, and doesn’t turn back for two whole years.

--------

When Enchu left, he took something from them.

They don’t know what it is, but they all know it left them hollow, desperate, maddeningly sad.

It’s a something that pushes Biko to practice artifact making late into the night, cutting herbs by the moonlight and fusing metal by day, until her spirit is as scratched and burnt as her hands are; but never her heart, no, never her heart.

It’s a something that made Yoichi give up two whole years of his youth to pour over data sheets and dated photographs, scrutinising grainy images and decoding unfamiliar jargon until he earns a detested title he never needed.

It’s a something that weighs on Muhyo like his executor’s cloak, something that he never allows himself to put aside, contracting every envoy he can get his hands on to become a person worthy of a title he swore he would polish until every living being regretted ever gifting it to him.

--------

They were interviewed just once, about what they thought of the fallen student, the magic law exile, the betrayer.

Nobody has ever found the transcript, tape, or interviewer.

--------

“Muhyo, we’ll try again tomorrow.”

Biko’s voice is quiet, her hands soothing as she rubs salve over his new burn.

Muhyo remains silent, wishing a snarky remark out his mouth, but his leaden tongue prevents him.

Yoichi sits slumped beside him, clearly exhausted from the tempering drain of envoy contracting.

Matching purple bruises rest under both their eyes, but both show refusal in the firm grip of pen and book.

Biko presses harder onto Muhyo’s skin. Muhyo flinches. Yoichi murmurs a joke about her poor skills as a doctor.

One of the four emperors of Hell is difficult to contract, but it’s necessary.

As necessary as the scars that embed itselves deep into the trio’s heart, with every failed attempt, with every lead becoming a dead end.

As necessary as the pain they condemn themselves to, in hopes that one day they’ll understand the pain they unknowingly forced upon the one dearest to them.

“We’ll try again tomorrow.” Biko says, much more firmly.

She screws the salve container shut, and drags a comforter from her bag. Draping it carefully over the duo, Biko leaves no room for refusal, no room for either to shake and cry and give up - not for them, not for herself.

“We’ll try again tomorrow.” Biko repeats.

Hearing the flat note in her voice, Yoichi pulls her down to rest beside him while Muhyo finally mumbles an agreement.

--------

Time is supposed to heal all wounds.

Time is supposed to help them move on.

Muhyo points out the irony once, quite literally. The belltower with a clock face has never been fixed since the night the town burnt, a pronounced crack running across it’s glass face.

The hands of the clock inside are cracked, splintered. But running mechanisms keep it ticking in place, forever trying to move forward but failing.

Seeing that, Muhyo had laughed for the first time since the night his world fell apart.

Hearing that, Yoichi held Muhyo’s hand a little tighter, while Biko pressed closer to Muhyo’s side.

--------

Enchu is fractured glass, muddy snow, wilted bellflowers.

Enchu is a thousand metaphors, and then more.

Enchu was someone who loved and loved and loved -

And tired of it.

When he appears like he disappeared, in a flurry of confetti adorning a smile too crooked to be genuine, all three remember what the association, the world, always forced them to forget.

Enchu isn’t a metaphor.

Soratusgu is a broken boy who lost too much, too fast, who hurt too easily and pushed himself to try even when he couldn’t.

Soratsugu is a beloved friend.

And they would never, ever, forget that.

--------

“When we can properly meet him again,” Biko starts, softly. Always the only one brave enough to broach the subject, to force them to confront and heal, no matter how broken and backwards their healing may be. “What do you want to say?”

Yoichi visibly settles, lips thinning in a small smile. “That’s a hard thing to pick from an entire bucket load i’ve saved, Biko. Maybe where have you been all this time, you ass?” Always the only one brave enough to say what he thinks, from fear that one day they’ll be gone too, because he said something too late, too little.

Muhyo snorts, taking a step back to distance himself from the hubbub of the inventory store. “As if we already don’t know.” He mutters, leaning heavily against Yoichi’s side. Always the only one mincing his crude words, hiding a softer, gentler side, too afraid of hurting and being hurt again; yet speaking up anyway, because what are words if not to communicate and love?

Yoichi laughs, in a way that makes Muhyo helplessly grin and Biko hide a smile in the curve of her elbow.

“That’s right, we do, don’t we?”

--------

There’s a strangled cry, an outstretched hand, an alarmed yell, and Enchu pummels into the demon carriage, carried by love and magic and the faith of three friends.

For the first time, in a long, long while, the trio watches Enchu let go of his breath, and cry.

Biko is wiping away his tears as fast as they fall. Yoichi cradles him to his chest. Muhyo is slumped against his front, half-conscious.

Still, all three manage to say one phrase lying on the tip of their tongues for two long, long, years.

“Welcome home, Enchu.”

There’s a hiccup, a strained but familiarly beautiful laugh.

“I’m back. I’m back. I’m home.”

And for the first time, in a long, long while, the world settles around Biko, Yoichi, and Muhyo, and everything feels like it will finally be alright.

#muhyo and roji bureau of supernatural investigation #muhyo and roji #tooru muhyo #soratsugu madoka #himukai yoichi #yuu abiko #melon writes