#i know this is my mood constantly

[flowersinmidgar]

3 hours of fishing and he doesnt even know if he can eat the damn thing

#IF YOU KNOW WHERE THE FISH IS FROM. UHH. YEA #babys first ff15 art. i like noctis #bitch is constantly so tired but his fav thing to do is fishing?? FISHING???? as if that doesnt clash with his mood at all #dragging himself out of bed at 5am looking the crankiest youve ever seen him but inside hes all “yippee!!! fishing!! fishing!!!” #yea. thisll be my last peep on here for a while because i have finals next week! wish me luck or dont #ff15 #✨scratchpad #final fantasy 15 #final fantasy xv #ffxv #ff15 noctis #ffxv noctis #noctis lucis caelum #noctis caelum #so many fucking tags god

[honeypleasejustkillme]

we all broke our rules for someone

#actually bpd #actually mentally ill #bpd fp #actually borderline #bpd shitposting #bpd #bpd favorite person #bpd problems #bpd vent #bpd mood #my friends constantly tell me how many red flags he has and i’m just like ‶red is a great color″ #like idc what ur guys opinions are about him.. i love him more than you anyways #like be fucking fr #and they know that.. they just try to make me ‶stop being dumb″ and know i ‶deserve better″ but idc i want him #like yea he’s done some fucked up things to me but so has everyone else so like it’s not a big deal to me anymore.. at the time i was very #upset but now it’s okay.. i don’t mind him hurting me as long as he’s here #beloved.txt

[averlym]

whshdfhfjf.,,,

#close up!! because i firstly Did Not render them with such insanity in order for tumblr's lack of general resolution to make it blur #look at all the lines!!! teehee i still really really like this style of digital painting it's super super fun to do!!! and also secondly #because i went back and added a tag ramble and as i seem to often be doing??? lately?? reached the 30 tag limit and went 'hm ok how else..' #anyway the tag essay on that one is now up and talks about the artwork generally and miscellaneous thoughts!! that said. i need a space to #ramble about beatrix at Length because look you don't draw and paint etc a character for like ten hours without having a lot of thoughts #anyways ! i digress terrifically. tag rambles are more like trains of thoughts masquerading as subways and you get on and it's unfortunately #a rollercoaster track. but this is My Blog and i can do Whatever I Want as long as i don't hurt anyone <- affirmations!! also Harm Principle #lately it's been like *kicks up feet* *opens tumblr tags* *treats it as own personal journal* and tbh Good for me!! anyways back to beatrix #fun fact ! the thing that pushed me over the edge to go watch the musical after looking through the tumblr tag was a very specific poll. #and the fact that the winning option was blue hair and pronouns made me double over laughing so hard i had to go see the source material #mm i feel like lately the academic Context has been tossing me essentially into a blender HAHA ;-; so everyone in adamandi is to some extent #a Mood. but bea-specific (haha be specific)(sorry!)(wow this is the same reaction mechanism of my friend who points out innuendos)(...) #i think it's the wanting to prove herself. like from the whole abuela etc thing there's proof here she's got a Stable Support System of sort #and instead what beatrix continues to do is push themselves. 'i guess u could say i'm married to my work? god that's depressing' // no one #here to enforce that // abuela tells me to rest says i'm constantly stressed and i'll just get depressed like before but i still have to try #like. that shred of desperation that pushes you to the brink to neglect yourself (well i guess physically but also your morals..) and like!! #the whole 'lose half your soul thing' proves she's self aware!! like they know what they're doing is super dubious yknow! but they're still #they're still doing it even if it goes into conflict with their morality system in a way and then they justify it to themselves (see pt 1 #of ghostwriter) and the whole wanting to achieve at all costs Despite the self awareness. (i think? this aspect also applied to quincy. but #thoughts on him will come later). more beatrix specific also is the fact that they genuinely adore their work.. 'i just love it here where #you know they'll be printing forever and you are just part of it' because that does kind of resonate with me. also the being behind in the #competition is real!!! i'm maybe talking about Art as a subject because that same drive for it exists on my good days i think. even #even when nothing seems to be going right and you've ended up at the back the intent passion inherent in what you do is still there!!! #the genuine. care she has for reporting. is so !!!!! to me... other beatrix thoughts include 'why reveal yourself at the end' aka vincent's #'u should have stayed silent u had a smart plan' like rip to them but i would not // it feels with bea's complex character i can't imagine h #her Not doing that. like the guilt is real i guess. and i am running out of tags but! smth also about her fervent hope or smth that she'll #eventually get to where she wants. and the resilient determination.. 'i won't let their deaths be pointless there's more good i'm gonna do' #they're so so real for that. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing; seeing myself reflected in aspects of characters like this.. but it's #it's there regardless. smth smth just make your peace with the person you are ig!! tldr beatrix campbell my beloved. hehe #adamandi

[hannie-dul-set]

anyway, here's a dump of out of context excerpts from several of my wips.

#guys i'm so sorry this is gonna do for now because although i have been writing. #i've also been wip hopping a lot because my mood switches very constantly HAHHAAHHAAHAHHA #one day im feeling jaemin being insane.......then i'm in the mood to write yearning ricky......then suddenly my revenge fic looks pretty fun #will i ever finish these wips. #only god knows.

[bumblebeehug]

i'm literally never leaving 14 mentally. i'm exactly the same, only now i know how to cope in public

#when i was 14 i was seriously depressed and i craved so much attention bc i felt like i was wrong in so many ways #so if i got attention i would finally be considered right #except i was making everyone uncomfortable with my pityparty (everyone was 14 at the time - how could i expect them to live up to my needs- #-> all of the time) #anyways i still crave the attention and i still feel out of place and weird but now i've learned how to live a little so i don't try to -> #-> overthink as much and instead go with the flow most of the time #but then there's moments like these where i cant help but to wonder if someone's opinion of me changed after i said something weird #and when i'm in this state i feel so lost on what to do bc i know attention would satisfy my seeking needs #but if i constantly bring down the mood everything gets weird and idk. life is hard and becoming 1 with nature would solve it all

[gncrezan]

testing out how different the pen pressure is on the new laptop w/ @asphodelgame <3

#yes its time i apologise to the pagans again!!! sorry everyone #my art #persephone #hermes #fields of asphodel #asphodelgame #foa #using the tablet on a new laptop is crazy my tablet has never responded like this . i wanna practice LOL #somehow i was surprised that using a laptop that was 7yrs old and screamed every time it opened photoshop didnt perform well . #but i am also here. testing this all out . and im always constantly in a foa mood cause i got attached to seph after a character study #so here i am <3 i think rezan next . or D and X cause what i've seen from the update i just adored how annoying they are #i also need to draw stuff for wts cause i had it all sketched on my old laptop.... #also done very quickly so excuse the mistakes on this im just having the time of my life getting my tablet to RESPOND!!!! #i also need to draw live cthonic reaction cause the idea of people around seph n hermes being like ohhhh okay. they dont know anything #**chthonic SORRY i cannot spell or think rn #ive sketched live pyri reaction before anyway i think we should get the whole gang into it #is just so funny . TO ME ONLY MAYBE . but its so funny #ive also been meaning to draw all the foa cast as quick busts cause i need to beat sameface off with a stick but just havent gotten around.. #ok enough of the tag wall . thakn u for coming to the ted talk

[cosmikazie]

april fools day is officially my least favorite holiday

#maybe if i were in a better mood today #maybe if i didnt constantly feel like throwing people into the sun #maybe if i didnt have to constantly worry about all manners of things #maybe if i could just get my mind off of shit and give myself a mental break i could appreciate today #but nope. im sick and tired of being pranked and joked with #im sick and tired of being AFRAID im gonna be pranked and joked with #and then IM somehow gonna be the bummer when i cant take it #im tired of being baited and im tired of being the joke #i fucking hate people sometimes you know that #vent

[manasurge]

.

#sometimes I wish drawing wasn't such a lonely activity #am in a bit of a social mood but can't find anything to socialize about #i also wish I didn't need to spend ALL DAY trying to prep my brain to try to draw; despite it being something I wanna do and enjoy #why must i have executive dysfunction over my hobbies #this is why it takes me one million years to something I can actually get done in a few days at most #i'm so incredibly frustrated and it's super depressing and bumming me out #it's just so frustrating and i'm so irritated at myself #i know it's shark week so maybe it's why i'm a bit of a mess; but usually it doesn't affect me during the time so idk #also i love how every night I get to deal with the crippling dread and lowkey anxiety attacks bc everything i'm avoiding/afraid of and it- #- keeps festering in my mind and makes me avoid sleep for as long as possible and i'm stuck in an eternal negative feedback loop #i can't even do the thing i enjoy bc my brain is making it hard for me #not to mention that I constantly get those thoughts about how i'm never getting anywhere in life and i am in fact; ALONE #no irl friends or family and it still scares me to think about how worse things will get in the future for me. #not to mention not having a career or being capable of doing any kind of secondary schooling makes the dread even worse #but again frustrated and i can't even apply positive activities like how I'd usually do; not to mention i'm just always mad at myself about #-everything lmao #stupid brain just let me enjoy me hobby bc i wanna do it and you're not letting me and it's making me feel worse #delete later probably idk lmao

[chaoticas-hell]

When your parents keep accidently admitting that yeah, you're the 3rd and really the only parent to your 15 yr brother:

#like I already knew but its wild theyre admitting it #for context Im 22 raising my 15 yr old brother #literally just today I took my brother to his dentist (I take him to every appointment when Im able) and had insurance problems that #required his ssn that I didnt know (dont know my own) had to call mom and this woman #while looking for his ssn card #told me that I should have it memorized- SHE HERSELF DOESNT #and a while ago my father (bastard of a man) told me when my brother was upset that he didnt want to deal with his emotions #you know #like a parent is supposed to #they constantly come to me whenever he has a 'mood' and ask me whats wrong bc they know he tells me stuff #dw I dont snitch but yall #them subtly admitting that theyre not parents to him and I am is getting too crazy #Im teaching him to drive btw and he wants me as a guarian so I can make medical decisions for him

[grimgummies]

Sudden urge to drop off the face of the Earth (have zero online presence) and just focus on my art and myself then suddenly come back like nothin happened but now my art looks super different and I'm prolly mentally better too

#Grim rambles #I just know this is one of my weird phases. I cannot for the life of me have a total lack of presence #I still want to talk to ppl :( #I love interacting with ppls posts #but the break from posting art for an undisclosed amount of time just to focus on myself and find the simple joy in creating again sounds.. #super appealing #my mood fluctuates constantly between loving and hating posting my stuff #like I love showing my stuff because people seem to enjoy it! #and I love showing my ideas and sharing creativity in a community of people with similar interests #but at the same time I feel like it has taken away what made art enjoyable for me as a kid #and that was creating simply because it was fun #now I feel like I kinda sucked the fun outta it #and I oughta take my own advice and return to my roots #I keep telling fellow artists time and time again to focus on themselves #not worry about an audience #just experience the simple joy of creating again #yet fail to take my own advice #it's like a vicious cycle I can't escape #it's almost become routine #and once you make a routine it's hard to break it #once I get a few things done I'll see what I can do #I just need to get into that mindset of 'I don't have to post my art I can just create to have fun'

[famewolf]

honestly, I think I'm going to wait awhile longer to finish bg3. been working on allowing myself time and space to let my whims flow where they may, and I recognized I was getting stressed for not having finished it in a 'timely manner'

me shaking myself: it's a fucking game!! play it as much or as little as you want!!!

#[static] #it's because I've been in an Elder Scrolls mood but I was pushing myself to finish bg3 since I'm nearly to act 3 #and i dont like being rushed not even by myself lmao #i love the game and i love the story! but i know that if im feeling stressed about it im not gonna have a good time #whats that thing called when you feel pressured to do something so it makes you not want to do it? i have that #in other news tho ive been having a great time in ESO again #800+ hours in and there's always more to do lol #taking a break from bg3 is also me trying to deconstruct this constant 'you must be productive even in the things you enjoy' bullshit- #- that my brain is constantly doing. i want to bite and maul that part of my mind #ive been getting better at it in the last couple of years! especially this year #but it's still such a fucking struggle my friends aaaaaa

[natsmagi]

happy 1yr anniversary to when the illness festered. i had no idea what i was getting myself into. To think it has been 1 year and im still this fucked up from it. love you wonder game

#i had been on a little switch story binge #i had read element and pleiades bc i saw ppl recommending them #but i had no idea that wonder game was significant at ALL #but i am the BIGGEST sucker for alice in wonderland. the 1951 animated movie was my favorite movie ever #and i would watch it CONSTANTLY when i was a kid #my earliest memories consisting of me just knowing how much i loved this film #and well anyway i remembered natsume had an alice card so i was like omg! i really should read that!! #and to get myself in the mood i even rewatched the 1951 film because i thought itd be a fun little refresher before i began reading #I DID NOT. EXPECT THE STORY TO MAKE ME CRY #AND I DID NOT EXPECT THE STORY TO MAKE ME A NATSUMUGIER #THIS STORY CAUSED IT ALL. IT RUINED ME. ALL BECAUSE I WANTED TO READ A SILLY LITTLE STORY WITH ELEMENTS BASED OFF #MY FIRST EVER SPECIAL INTEREST. ABSOLUTELY SICKENING #HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY BABE IM FUCKING RUINED FOREVER #nat rambles #i dont think u guys realize how deep my love for switch goes #bc like everything about them is a reminder of everything ive ever loved and found comfort in throughout my life #especially my younger years #they really do just bring me such unbelievable amounts of joy i almost feel undeserving to have something resonate this deeply with me #because thats how deep it goes #BUT ANYWAY #i cant show vulnerability online. Pretend i didnt say anything. #cant have people find out im a real person with real feelings with unique experiences in life that shaped the person you see before u today

[straight-into-the-animus]

jacob the first time they have to try to comfort arno through his dysphoria: your balls are so big they put them on your chest

arno:

#arno: self hate stop long enough to just ???? #im in a french fryes mood but don't know what to write so have this #i am so sorry #french fryes #arno dorian #jacob frye #i repeat this to myself constantly /hj #all the assassins are trans change my mind #t4t french fryes au

[thetimelordbatgirl]

For the love of god, parents on about seeing my nan for my mom's birthday...

#'its my birthday i do what i want' yeah and you know i wont stay home because im scared of being home alone and have nowhere else to go #like its fun for parents but it isnt for me #i feel like im on egg shells the entire time #im never good enough for this family #me and my cousin are just mood there i guess #like of course its fun for mom and dad they not constantly nagged at #plus its on victoria day #something we always go to...but guess its not good enough for my parents...

[lith-myathar]

There's this shitty thing about having trained yourself not to have needs, which is that you become so good at hiding them that even when you think you're signaling that you're upset and need help, it's so outwardly subtle that nobody really notices or they read it as a signal to leave you alone.

(Which is so wrongheaded in and of itself, like one needs to ASK for help not wait in silent agony for someone to notice you're in pain.)

and that sucks because it makes you feel like no one notices when you're upset because no one actually cares about you enough to pay attention

#it's such a self defeating behavior bc it's wanting people to be mind readers or whatever #to just be able to divine and anticipate your needs #kind of comes from the trauma response i think? like *I* am constantly trying to read moods and anticipate needs and reactions #like i want someone else to be as laser focused on my needs #as ive been on the needs of people around me living as a severe people-pleaser desperately trying to circumvent conflict #for as long as i can remember #but that's not really fair i think? because it's wanting people to act in a maladaptive way towards you? #to mirror your own maladaptive behavior #tell you what it's all Big Oofs and i really don't like it #i also hate the actual asking for help because *that's admitting i have needs* and not having needs = survival #it all just leads to problems getting really bad before i can even admit to myself i need to ask for help #godddddddd they did a number in me. like my parents weren't emotionally capable of dealing with my needs so they'd shut me down #with gaslighting or shaming or lashing out at me verbally #they didn't know how to help so instead they tried to make ''the problem'' (i.e. my difficult emotions) go away #they never went away but i did learn to stop asking for help or expecting anything but rebuke if i did

[enchanting-grom-fright]

can’t listen to so many songs anymore bcs they just like immediately transport me back to sixth grade breaking down after most interactions with my mom and having every single thing i did be reduced to the things she didn’t want me to be doing and i feel so bad bcs like she’s a good parent i’m just a bad daughter but now i like can’t be around her without feeling scared and she can tell and i feel so sorry i know i shouldn’t be this way but i can’t not be after everything she said and still does but i could never tell that to her bcs of the above so we just go in circles so it just gets worse everyday but 🎶🎶

#“u never open up to me” #hmmm i wonder why #it’s not like u spent years calling me selfish and say i’m ruining ur life and other stuff #but like #i know she cares #i mean i complain abt my dad not caring and then complain when she does so she’s probably right i am just an ungrateful bitch #but i can’t fix it now when u r constantly accusing me of doing stuff #which just makes me think abt everything even more #hhhhhh it is what it is #i’m not at her house rn idk why i am thinking abt this i was in a good mood and now i’ve messed that up oops #(iiii need to be productive today so i will get it back totally totally definitely definitely)