#i must force myself to do everything

[thatfizzyyyy]

🧍🏾‍♀️

#oops im rambling #am just talking abt my mental helth in the tags #i have no motivation to do anything #i must force myself to do everything #i spend all my time alone #bc my parents keep me locked in this house #and i dont have the energy to fight for myself even a little bit #but i lay down and look at images on my phone #and in the silent peaceful moments #it almost doesn't feel like im wasting away in my cage #but thats not the point of this #i just mean to say that i just lay in bed all day #and i cant bring myself to do things i used to enjoy #like reading or writing or making art #im trying to make more art but thats only so i can make money #not really for my own enjoyment #i don't even watch tv or anime anymore #its too hard #i wasn't always like this really #the only thing i do consistently now is journaling #i dont even feel sad abt it but i just c dont feel like doing anything

[stuckinapril]

Something so ineffable about exhaustion that comes not from a lack of sleep but from a lack of rest

#neeed a day where I’m doing nothing but I don’t think that’s forthcoming #I was out all day + forced myself to hit the gym before coming home and I am TIRED #it took a hot shower to feel my bones. and now I have to study. and then I have somewhere to be tomorrow #and then I go back to the neuro clinic on Monday. which is FUN I love it #but I don’t think I can be fully present in anything if I’m so divided between everything #multitasking is an absolute must but I think downsizing just a little bit will probably mean I get to be a healthier vessel #I just need time to chill in bed and watch silly movies and read books and chart stars and count rocks idk

[vaguely-concerned]

thinking about how augustine puts all the blame for what happened to alfred on cristabel and by extension mercy, because if he didn’t direct all his anger that way he’d have to be angry with john......... and even, most painfully and fraught of all, with alfred himself. and that is so deeply incompatible both with his devotion and loyalty and love and with his immense eternal-life-long guilt. (it somehow feels like there’s something alike here to the dynamic that happened between harrow and gideon after the suicide of harrow’s parents to me -- the trauma-weight shifting blame and guilt and responsibility around to wherever will hold it when it’s too painful to look at straight on -- though I can’t actually explain it properly yet, and in that situation there wasn’t also a notorious deific gaslighter involved to intentionally muddy things up even further over centuries lmao). augustine is definitely not a reliable narrator of what happened back then because of all of this, but notably mercy never really defends cristabel against this particular accusation of being the instigator of the suicide pact either, for all that she clearly loved her immeasurably and will fiercely defend her against any other criticism. so it appears they’re more or less in agreement about what happened back then, they only differ in what they think it means? I don’t know honestly haha I have only Vibes here and from the outside it’s of course easier to spot that at the end of the day the real blame lies with john and the system of empire he set up around him anyway.

there’s also a really interesting contrast between mercy and augustine in how they relate to their cavaliers in the now -- mercy sort of keeps cristabel alive, she keeps bringing her up in conversation, makes idle observations about what she might think of things; to her cristabel seems to be very much still present even in her absence. meanwhile augustine, during the divine threesome dinner party (I love these books), describes being prompted to talk more about alfred and what happened back then as ‘oh very well, then, just dig him back up’, like he wants to at least let him rest in peace, considers him dead and buried in some way that’s of course at odds with the fact that he’s kept forever alive inside him as fuel. (which are also the opposite impulses of what they envision for themselves after their bout of some light recreational mutual deicide -- at that point mercy wants to be buried with cristabel in death, and augustine feels the obligation to keep himself and alfred alive at least until they’ve done what little they can to mitigate the damage they’ve caused. I love how they trade roles back and forth like that at the end of the book it’s so neat. ‘mom said it’s my turn to have the hysterics so you gotta keep your shit together for a few minutes before we switch again’)

mercy says ‘she’s still here’ and augustine says ‘he’s gone’, and they’re both right and they’re both wrong. and this is the system john put in place at the start of his new world: a world where nothing is truly alive but grief.

#the locked tomb #the locked tomb meta #harrow the ninth #mercymorn the first #augustine the first #john gaius #cannot WAIT for nona the ninth to punch me repeatedly in the face while going 'stop punching yourself! stop punching yourself!' honestly #I did this to myself. no one forced me to get attached to the horrible old war criminals #I must admire john's ability to frame himself as both in the wrong for everything in general but nothing in particular at the same time #like yeah he carries the weight of the universe on his shoulders but also nothing is ever actually his fault. just happened like that. #no one could have done anything to stop it. oh alas. what do I know I'm only god #he's so awful <3

[archirdarchernar]

.

#vent #it feels awful #not knowing what the fuck to do #i WANT like a fucking gluttonous beast #i wanna be good at everything #i wanna be good at art and singing and worldbuilding and writing and editing and animating and academics #and i never feel satisfied #and no ones forcing me to do any of this #i just fucking want to for some reason and its destroying me #i just end up being not good at anything. im shit at studying and sleeping and keeping to deadlines #i want there to be enough time for me to explore everything #for me to learn everything at my own pace and perfect my skills #but it just feels like i have no time for myself anymore #everything i have i must dedicate to studying for a levels and its so tiring. i wanna draw and be creative too but theres so much course #content that its killing me. i want my free time back #and im forever thankful to my parents for moving with me all the way to the uk so i can learn about things that actually interest me but #even that doesnt really mean anything anymore thanks to the standardization of education and especially exams and exam boards #so my parents spent all that effort and money for nothing and i really just want to break down and cry and say sorry #but that would just hurt them even more and even i dont have the heart to do that so im stuck with this and im so goddamn tired #and of course by spreading my attention and efforts so thin everything i do is lackluster so of course my grades are shit #and i get sick often so my attendence record is also shit #it just feels like im a burden for existing like a malignant tumour #and i have to relearn how to cry. imagine that. a grown adult not knowing how to cry #i never knew there was supposed to be emotional relief when crying sometimes because whenever i cry when im overwhelmed...or anytime really #i get told to stop immediately so i got trained to hold everything in.and i get that its easy for the adults to deal with a not-crying child #but i kinda feel cheated #i want that emotional catharsis that comes with crying your feelings out and i have to teach myself how to do it #how pathetic is that #had to get this out there its just too much for me #arc 3am logs

[izzy-b-hands]

why couldn't the rain have waited until AFTER Housemate was at work to start pouring like this

#text post #i know ae will be fine but i get nervous when the roads have the potential to be slippery #also. wish it was weekend so ae could be here and we could be chilling together while it rains #im still on partial bed rest with the back so im resting rn listening to it and just. yeah #goal today is to get back on laptop for extended time without my back freaking out #and do more yoga and stretching #nap if i must bc my body knocked me out yesterday trying to catch up on sleep from this last week #it's driving me nuts feeling better enough to do some stuff but not everything yet can u tell lmao #I dont wanna reverse progress and fuck it up again right away tho so. forcing myself to be patient with the situation

[vzajemnik]

guys im genuinely going insane from loneliness atm. have been for the past 2 months. its getting bad

#🗞️ #getting so bad that im a) entertaining a thought of forcing myself to develop a crush on a CLASSMATE. literally death sentence #and b) soooo entertaining the thought of going back to my cishetsona and doing all those things i was doing earlier this year bc at least #i used to get laid regularly. was i hooking up with men and wanting to kill myself badly every day. yes. but at least i was having sex #& at least i was getting to know new people every other week or so.........my fucking god #i cant let the demons win and if a demon must win let it be the first one i cant keep altering everything about myself just to feel #lusted after. my fucking GOD

[altruistic-meme]

shaking in my fucking boots with excitement to go home and eat something

#i have to make it through the rest of work and also do dishes first rip but!!! #depending on the level of Dead i am after i finish the dishes will determine whether i make tortellini or sandwiches #either way though I'm hungryyyyy #and i want some food!!!!!! #but i do not want to spend money on food so i must wait until i get home!!!! #ough #anyway i am doing everything in my power to have a Good Night at work tonight #despite the shit news we got earlier and the several issues that happened at the start of my shift #i will have a good night if i have to FORCE MYSELF to have a good night and that's that #also have to check my mailbox for yarn when i get home bc it was stopped to arrive today :) #shh ac

[catboyrightsdefender]

i think i might be having some sort of breakdown because of the fact that being done with my degree and studies changes everything

#like ...i can do anything now and i Have to do it. this is both terrifying and exciting #mostly terrifying rn but. yknow #and i realize how much i was hiding behind my studies and stopped myself from doing things that would put me out of my comfort zone #i know im scared and cowardly at heart and my studies gave me so much security. 'i can't do that i have class'. 'i can't do that i must #focus on my thesis'. and know i have no excuse no things to hide behind #the number of things i lost because i hid myself makes me so sad. i hate how scared of everything and cowardly i am. now i'm gonna be #forced to change which is a good thing i think #.txt

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

#just the thought of him not loving me the same way and amount i love him makes me want to slice myself up #ill only stop cutting when i cant feel anything anymore not pain not love just emptiness #just want to be with master but dont want to make him stressed out because im too dependent and reliant on him #why cant i just feel my emotions the right way or a normal amount or at least less strong? why am i like this? #why cant i love like a human and why must that shit be so complicated? why am i so feralminded? #and why cant i feel my loves separately? should i even? or am i not understanding it right? why do i feel everything wrong? #why must i love him like a wild animal loves its lifelong mate? but also like how that animal loves the taste of prey and hungers for it? #like a dog loves its master and feels the unending loyalty and unconditional love overtake remaining wolflike instinct #like a best friend i also wish to do stereotypical romantic and domestic things with and so much more #i want to be bound to him in any way possible marriage and collars and microchips and blood pacts and marking and such #but im so scared he wont want that anymore i want to stop feeling i need to completely stop feeling and worrying but i cant #even when im emotionally numb i still feel that canine love for him even if just a glimmer #i wish i knew what he thinks love is and what hes comfortable with and how he felt and experienced love and if he still loves me like #he did before he came out as aro....im scared to bring up how calling himself aro and me his exception actually hurts and idk if i should #tbh him saying hes aro yet says he loves me feels like when a close friend keeps saying they dont have any friends while youre right there #like my existence makes his identity a lie or a betrayal to him i cant shake the gross feeling that hes forcing himself to stay for my sake #....hell am i even his exception anymore? what did he mean by same amount but not the same? what changed? did anything actually change? #wish i could figure out what love is and how to feel it right..esp dont understand romantic or queerplatonic or anything its all confusing #i want to take on the world with him and stop being an emotional wreck so we can fuck anyone together like we swore to #i just want to live the rest of my life by his side and i want to experience all we can together #picnics and movies and living together and sharing a nest and....idk i just want to be with him forever and hope he still feels the same #it would literally kill me if he ever left or fell out of love i think i would lose whats left of my mind and end up bleeding myself dry #i want us to be together forever and never ever stop being mates but i cant help but be terrified and confused and hurt

[seventh-district]

sitting here watching this video take 6 entire hours to get 4% of the way uploaded and begrudgingly coming to the conclusion that i can no longer put off upgrading to fiber internet

#i simply cannot be a YouTuber under these harsh conditions (0.3mbps upload speed) #Seven.txt #video stuff #this is so sad i’ve got SO many hours worth of videos to upload and now there’s a wrench in my plan #(that i threw in there by not. upgrading the internet over the past several months or however long it’s been available atp) #why do i do this to myself #listen. if it ain’t broken i don’t feel like fixing it. and that applies to. everything in my life lmao #but these horrendous speeds have forced my hand. i must Upgrade #hhhhrrrrgggggh okay. i’ll move that further up my laundry list of Shit That Needs Doing Soon #i shouldn’t be dragging my feet like this i should be grateful! happy! i wanted better internet for so many years and now it’s here! #but Oh the Horrors of having to actually set up an appointment and have someone come install it #but i can’t take it anymore. every day that cable coiled up on the telephone pole across the street taunts me. so close yet so far away

[encrucijada]

i think it really is time to accept i have creative burnout.

#i always get moods where none of what i'm writing interests me but it usually goes away after a while #but this time it's been happening in shorter lengths of time... so think i must face the truth... #god it just Sucks when writing is all you like to do but you can't bring yourself to do it #i don't want to Not write but it's not good for me to force myself to do it #i'm also so tired all the time which does not help. #this has been going on since camp nano when i tried snd failed to write that i'll never fall asleep au #words just... aren't working for me... everything i write reads stiff #i keep stopping before i even properly start things because i Know i'm just gonna drop it anyways #something is gonna make me drop it. i'm like a dog that's been trained to expect disappointment #i just.... want my brain to pick something and commit. for once. #also yes literally worst timing to open commissions lmao. i might close them. write the one i got and... sort myself out #pia.txt

[isekyaaa]

I think my beef with the whole "It's hard to love someone like me" shindig is the fact that to be alive and have no one love you is extremely rare. Chances are at any point in time, you are being loved, even if it's just by your family. And if that's the case, you're just taking a super negative spin on something wonderful. You can say that you're "harder to love" and leave it as just that. Or you can say, "I am harder to love, and yet I still am loved despite it. People see the struggles in loving me, but they still love me anyway."

I think the deal is less that people don't feel they're worthy of love, but more the fact that they don't/are not receiving love from the people they want it from the most. Either that, or they're not receiving love in the way they personally define as love. To them, love is defined by specific actions, and if those actions are not fulfilled, it's either not love or not a high enough level of love.

Then there's the ordeal of what truly accepting people's love entails. It means that they need to let go of the idea that they're inadequate and take the responsibility of being someone worthwhile. It's easy to use feelings of self-hatred and inadequacy as excuses as to why they won't better themselves. But even they let those feelings go and acknowledge them as false, they have no excuses anymore. They are forced to travel into the unknown with nothing to hide behind. It's terrifying.

It's why I have a hard time with requests dealing with mental illness and hurt/comfort. All those requests do is enable people that hide behind their self-esteem issues. Rather than improve, they'd rather burden people with essentially being their caretakers. It's a selfish self-centered mentality that I just can't condone.

#rambles #self #i still struggle with it but the reason why i specifically chose to start learning how to love myself was like... #realizing how NOT loving myself hurt the people around me #when you don't love yourself you become self-obsessed #you'll blame everything #your upbringing #your mental illness #your circumstances #your parents #literally everything but you #and you force the people around you to suffer because you don't want to take ownership for yourself #it's selfish #please note this is directed at people that don't try #people that struggle against their insecurities and truly try to better themselves despite constant setbacks are doing wonderfully #they are not who i am talking about #these are directed at people that just stagnant #i am just venting a lot these past few days HAHA #to people that think they're impossible to love.... #you must think REALLY highly of yourself to think it's impossible for anyone to love you #you're not special lmao #the world does not revolve around you #nobody looks at you and thinks 'wow i am gonna hate that person SPECIFICALLY' #pls come back down to earth and get your head out of your ass #youre very much deserving and capable of being loved like 99.99% of Earth's population #you really think you're so phenomenally terrible that you're part of the 0.01%? #god get over yourself

[new-lorien-artist]

Very tempting to just drop the whole 13yearsoflorien project, quit art and writing for like a couple years, get into the daily grind of work, exercise, eat and sleep, then hop back on LL Tumblr only to depress myself because everything I ever knew is gone now

#it's the dead of night so technically i shouldn't be trusting my late night thoughts #dear god though if i must vent #i don't know if it was my own enthusiasm or the fandom having people to talk to that made it fun for me for a while #but i certainly lost my enthusiasm in general and have become terribly snippy in the last several months #I'm angry and tired and frustrated all the time and it bled into the way i interact with people #which is to say #i rarely talk and i force myself to be uplifting and happy and super encouraging #for others' sake or mine i cannot tell #i have so much anger because everything is so boring to me now #I've kept myself holed in this fandom and stopped growing in my media and literature intake #my growth as an artist and writer #and my social skills in general #i sacrificed a lot just to get that feeling of happiness and satisfaction back #and this 13yearsoflorien project was a one last shot to get things rolling #i know it's only been two months #but I'm exhausting myself to the bone and it hardly feels like the pay off will be worth jt #especially when I've stunted my growth so hard #and everything i make is coming out subpar when i know i could do better #ernest talks

[hecksupremechips]

Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨

#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me #but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk #just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more #fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’ #and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟 #then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person #to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever #i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better #but also way worse at the same time #i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely #but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped #cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out #i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want #its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake #cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it #ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else #im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there #then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that #crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening #and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil #the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me #its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything #aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol

[luminescentturtle]

who the fuck decided to make living miserable

#why must everything be forced upon me #why can i not choose my own life #why do i have to go to school to get into a school that will leave me in debt for the rest of my life just to get a job to pay off that deb #just to fucking eat #i feel like a hamster in one of those spinny wheel things #i just keep running but im never going to get anywhere #this world is designed so that i never get anywhere #honestly want to lock myself in my room until i just wither away #turtle talks

[i-like-gay-books]

i find it so funny that even though i already knew about myself that i have a tendency to not realize how bad i feel in the moment and i need to listen to cues from my body to figure that shit out sometimes i still, last semester, when i started not being able to sleep very late and felt restless even on days when i got out and walked around, thought that my body was just being sillyfunny because my diet was wack and not because of mental reasons

#to be fair my diet was wack #turns out the best way to learn how to cook for yourself is not to be forced to do it for a semester when youre also trying to acclimate to #new country/ culture and taking four full seminar classes that require a lot of energy outside of classtimes #anyways #if you go back on this blog on the cloudy rambles tag #you can see where i start complaining about having physical anxiety symptoms but not being stressed about anything??? #i was--in fact--very stressed by everything #i just didnt want to admit i was having a bad time because study abroad is supposed to be fun! its supposed to be life changing! #nobody is miserable when studying abroad! #anyways hindsight is yet again everything #thinking back now #having lost all of my symptoms within two weeks of getting home #it was definitely my body trying to tell me something #i think part of it is that my symptoms can be so intense #i convince myself theres no way this could all be a result of my mental state! some of it MUST be external factors #(i also have health anxiety which lends itself to paranoia. so that definitely contributes.) #but no #got home #went on vacation #im fine now #will say though #i need to get some mint tea #one thing about england is tea #my stomach never hurt for days in a row while i was there #my stomach has been gross for a few days #thats what got me thinking about all this btw #see stuff like this really has me considering the possibility of adhd hardcore #alright i need to stop now or ill be typing forever #is there a tag limit? probably #cloudy rambles