#i never realised how accurate this shit was until i actually got to uni

[ariondevereux]

Okayy, I’m on my uni commute and by now I think we know that this is when my brain goes crazy over your ocs. Alsoo, my disclaimer of, if these ever get annoying do tell me!

Maya x Phoenix:

Soo, I was listening to ‘Darkside’ by Neoni and ‘Counting Losses’ by Chelan, and I was thinking that they fit Maya’s personality pretty well, Darkside because she’s very much aware of her personal demons and think she’s a bit unloveable because of it. And then Counting Losses because she’s falling for Phoenix, probably doesn’t want to imagine this amazing, beautiful future with him because of her own insecurities but also…being happy with him does seem like a dream, so she’s in a bit of a limbo.

Shiloh x Abby:

I’ve been fleshing out the BDSI characters, and I got to the angsty stage and began wondering what Shiloh would act like really stressed whilst in the deep crushing stage when it comes to Abby. Like, they’re on their quest to taking down the Order, they’ve gone through a whole load of brutal shit, all scared, but they’ve made it out alive so that’s the main thing?? And I imagined Mei picking up on Shiloh being all stressed and upset and literally bringing Shiloh’s phone to them to call Abby because she’s very much his safe place, & at this point, Shiloh’s spoken to themself about their crush on Abby enough and Mei’s realised that the best friend that visits all the time is a lot more than just special in a friend way.

Lorenz x Clary:

You have an L-mancer oc <3 (I did tell you I check your Pinterest like the news!) and they have the grumpy x sunshine trope, I’m screaming!! I found out that L very much has the personality they have because… tragic backstory & past trauma, so they mask it by being confident, making jokes, being flirty— that’s their coping mechanism; and flirting with Clary was definitely just a ‘let’s do something a little risky and fun, especially as I’m your initiate for the next week or so’ at first, and then it continued, and continued, until L fell into this rabbit hole of ‘oh shit, fuck, fuck, oh…’ when they realised flirting with Clary is a lot more than just ‘this is fun, I want to get a reaction out of her.’ And I feel like L is determined to keep it to themself and not say anything because if Clary’s the grumpy half of the grumpy x sunshine trope, then if she ever found out about this crush then L probably thinks it won’t end well, and if anything, they’d rather have Clary around as something if not a lover because they can’t ruin yet another thing and add it to their list of bad backstories. I was also listening to ‘overthinking’ by Bearcubs, narou and imagine L going on a really long car ride by themselves, and they’re literally overthinking and Clary comes to mind and it’s the only time in a long time that they’ve let themself be vulnerable.

HELSPEOKEJ I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN I GOT THIS ASK AND HAD A WHOLE ANSWER IN MY HEAD BUT I FORGOT TO ACTUALLY REPLY

okok pls your music taste is immaculate!! i listened to those songs a few times and they’re so good i loved them sm especially darkside omg it’s so accurate for maya!! tysm for sending them to me 🥹 literally every time you talk about her i can barely wrap my head around the fact that you legit think about her 😭😭

OK OMG SHILOH PLEASE HE’S BEEN IN MY HEAD A LOT LATELY like i always imagine him being a smooth flirt but when he actually catches Feelings he’s a whole mess 😩🫶🏼 and shiloh isn’t the only one who would be stressing over feelings 🤭 for abby, she would stress over shiloh’s flirty comments and in her head she’d be like “how much of it did he mean?” because she really likes him and she’s not gonna try to hide it when it gets to a point where it’s already so obvious that there’s something going on between them. but she wants to make sure that it isn’t all just empty flirting from shiloh because even though she knows better than anyone that her best friend is an amazing guy and would never play with her feelings like that, she’s scared it’s all one-sided and her heart would be broken. abby’s not judgmental i swear shiloh just means way too much to her 😔

AND MEI MY BEST GIRL SHE’S SO SMART <333 omgogmogmg imagine mei and abby hanging out and shiloh thinks to himself “my favorite girls” CRYINGGGGG ok but when shiloh calls abby but he’s not ready to confess he’d probably say some excuse like “you wanna come over? mei misses you” and abby just chuckles “tell her i miss her too” and then there’s that heavy silence because abby doesn’t wanna hang up because she likes hearing shiloh’s voice and shiloh really wants to see her but he’s scared that would give too much away even though it never scared him before to say it so he just clears his throat or whatever and softly asks “so… do you wanna come over?” unfghghhh THE PINING!!! my sustenance 😩

AND LISTEN you’re so powerful because i’m not actually big on the grumpy x sunshine trope but i just had to do it for lorenz and clary because it would be so fun to develop their relationship nddnejsk and it’s funny because clary’s face is the farthest thing from rbf so i imagine that’s the reason lorenz wasn’t intimidated at all to flirt with her at the start until she just gave him this unimpressed look like “has that ever worked for you?” and from that point on, lorenz tones it down a bit but he still flirts with her from time to time. then time passes and clary gradually develops a crush on him because she realizes “he’s not that bad…. 😳” and that he genuinely cares about her. and because of her feelings, she becomes hyperfixated on the difference of his flirting then and now and how he doesn’t flirt as boldly as he did at the start. like this bitch forgets that she literally acted hostile towards him during his early attempts at flirting but when she remembers, she realizes it’s probably the reason he may be acting cautious around her and like… lorenz doesn’t have to worry about ruining things with clary if he took it further and acted upon his feelings because it’s clary who’s gonna ask him out <333

#i love you sm thank you for these <333 #mila ✨ #shiloh x abby #lorenz x clary #nikka answers

[naeshitsherlock]

I would put this under a read more under the cut or whatever but I’m on mobile and I don’t think I can so basically I just need to dump this here to put it in my diary tag for future reference and posterity etc

So I’ve been back to watching crazy ex gf on Netflix after a long break (watching too much at once makes my own personality go a little crazy so I gotta be careful) and it helped me realise the context of my brain a little better. Unfortunately I can’t find the exact scene on YouTube so I gotta send the script quote instead which has less impact

...so I can’t even find the quote so maybe I paraphrased it in my dream idk. But anyway, not the point. So Rebecca has an emotional collapse and just... gives up. Like wholly and completely. Overdosed on antianxiety pills and gets sent to hospital for a psych evaluation bc clearly she’s not right

And this new doctor comes along and tells her he’s talked to her therapist and checked out her symptoms and thinks he’s maybe got a real accurate diagnosis for her

And it suddenly fills her with so much hope, and she sings this incredible song that might stay in my heart forever

https://youtu.be/nK2DlLmVc20

“Fake it til you make it” is my absolute motto I live by bc I always felt like I don’t feel like other people do. If I get caught up in the moment of something then I can have fun, sure, but generally? Day to day? I mostly just exist inside my own violet thoughts

Everything is just a hazy dark purple

So she sings this song about finally, _*finally*_ having hope that somebody can tell her why she feels how she feels and that there’s a way to cure it

And she’s looking at people who have mental illnesses and says ‘perfect they’re not but at least they know who they are’ (I’ll come back to this part later for another reason)

And that hit me like a ton of bricks

So I’ve been on antidepressants now for three years, but over those years I’ve tested a whole bunch and different concentrations (wait, doses? Science brain takes over sometimes) and even though the one I’m on now makes me feel... I guess stable, I still don’t feel... good

And every time I see my doctor she asks if it could be better

And it’s so hard to remember what I was like _before_ I started taking meds, but then I saw this episode and it just smacked me up the head

Like if you go from having long hair to bald, it’s an easy comparison, yeah? But what if you just chop centimetres at a time until there’s nothing left

It’s so hard to compare between what it was and what it now is

Just sort of realising that knowing what your problem is is a huge weight off your shoulders and I realised how different I am now from me back then

And then I was watching this and Rebecca was like ‘it’s too much effort to do things or see people or go outside or even just exist’ in the most heartbreaking voice, like completely not a deadpan joke, just absolutely broken down and reduced to basal nothingness, and I got like a sudden timetravel moment back to those feelings

When I was in high school I couldn’t hang out with my friends bc of anxiety. My mum forced me into the car to drop me off once and she had to drive me home after I couldn’t stop sobbing in front of my friends for 10 minutes telling them that I really wanted to hang out with them but I felt physically atrocious and was about to throw up my entire gastroinstestinal system

Realistically, one of my biggest issues is that I haven’t even been diagnosed with depression. I’m taking antidepressants but my doctor has never outright stated that I have depression

And even though I’m rational and I know the symptoms add up, there’s still this really quiet voice in the smallest corner of my brain rejecting it

Even back last year when I was in a flat by myself and not working bc I couldn’t find a job, I had... at least two absolutely gut wrenching breakdowns

I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe, like a goddamn baby who can’t use their words to convey their feelings

And it sucked even more bc I CAN use words and I SHOULD be able to convey my feelings, and I just can’t

I cried for almost two hours

It was an awful wail/shriek and once I stopped hyperventillating it would start again

I’ve had anxiety literally as long as I can remember. I was never able to hang out with friends or go to a bathroom without my mum in a restaurant or even just go to a shop and buy something at the checkout until I started uni, and even then it was such a struggle getting through that

I still have that anxiety but now I’m able to boss it around better, but even then I shit myself when I have to go to a shop alone or just... have a professional opinion? Because I feel like an absolute fake

My entire being is just consumed by ennui (the most accurate definition being ‘a crippling listlessness’)

Even going to the doctor, I know it helps, but every month I get anxiety over making the appt, getting the train, seeing the receptionist, talking to the doctor, filling the prescription, making a future appt for the next month, getting the train back, and getting back to my flat

And the whole thing takes ~2h a month but it absolutely destroys me bc it’s not... I guess it’s not enough

I’ve never been seriously suicidal and I hope I never will be, but at the same time one of the reasons is... you have to have an actual desire to kill yourself

I don’t know the last desire I ever had

When I was in high school and my sister almost died in hospital from anorexia I had a complete break, bc my parents just went distant and I probably saw my mother... less than an hour a day. While I was 16. Once I woke her up to tell her I was going to school and instead of saying morning she said ‘I think your sister is going to die’

8am that happened at

I had to then deal with the anxiety of ‘how do I deal with going from being the older sister to the only sister’

If I could pinpoint a moment where I broke? That would be it

...getting back to your original point about how nice it would be to _live_?

I’ve never lived

Not once in my life

That’s why i was trying so hard with online dating even though I hate it so much, because I just want to figure out who the fuck I am and maybe that’ll help me live

It’s similar to the depression - I’ve never had the label so I don’t feel comfortable knowing what’s wrong

I can’t say ‘oh I have the flu, that’s why I feel shitty so it’s ok’

I’m never ok with feeling shitty just _because_, there’s almost always a reason

‘Perfect they’re not but at least they know who they are’ is the one thing keeping me going, that maybe if I work out who/what I am then I’ll start enjoying my existence

I have no major problems, nothing financial or emotional or physical, I’m privileged and surrounded by a support system I guess but I’ve still always felt an extreme detatchmebt

Recently I’ve found myself being super bitter and jealous towards things like the LGBT community bc it’s people celebrating their identity, and I feel like I don’t have one

And yeah ok I can tell myself things like ‘it’s fine to not have a plan’, ‘it’s ok to not know who you are you just need to find yourself’, ‘it’s alright not to get married and be in a committed relationship’, but there’s always part of me that can’t accept those things

#text #im v much not expecting anybody to read this but if you do pls dont judge me #i just needed to be honest with myself for once and get things off my chest #the most accurate words i use to describe me general basal feelings and emotions are very blue #melancholy ennui and just plain ol morose

[untitleddepressingramblings]

It has been so long since I’ve felt the need to shout into the void like this, but I think this year’s finally starting to get to me.

This year, the pandemic fucked the end of my last year of uni. I had to come home three weeks before the end of the semester, never went back for the exam semester (I didn’t have any, but I liked being around), I haven’t had a proper graduation yet, I didn’t even really get the chance to properly say goodbye to a lot my friends. That in itself, however, isn’t the problem. I struggled with it a bit, at the beginning, but I’m past it now. 

But I think I’m just starting to feel a little trapped by everything.

I’ve been very on-edge lately, and especially have felt it when it comes to the day-to-day life I’m currently living. I obviously came back home when the pandemic kicked off, and quickly got brought back into the routines. Bits of jobs at home, walking the dog, etc. And that’s fine, in theory. It was fine at the beginning. But it’s finally started to get to me in a weird way. I’ve been feeling like that’s all I do, wait around in my room until someone tells me to do something. And it’s meant I keep snapping about it. Dog-walking has particularly become a real chore. I adore my dog, but, especially in late afternoon/evening walks, it’s become incredibly difficult to want to get out to go on them. At this point in the day, around three-ish, I’ve often done quite a few other bits. Bits of food shopping, bits in the kitchen, occasionally picking my little brother up from school. And by the time all that’s done, I already feel a bit like the day’s gone. There’s a phenomenon I’ve seen people talk about recently around ADHD (which I have), where single tasks, even small ones, can feel like they take all the effort you have in a day, and it really does screw with your perception of time. 

Today, I’ve already been on one dog-walk this morning, and I’ve just been out to do some bits of shopping with my brothers. By the point we’ve got back, I’ve managed to settle for about ten minutes before my brother came up to ask me to come on a dog walk. For the record, I didn’t actually say no; I got stuck on a series of vague sounds and syllables and groans. I just wanted to not do something. But he goes off annoyed about it, tells our parents that ‘[I] won’t do it’, and at this point a switch in my head flips. I like accuracy, and clarity. If someone’s going to complain about something, especially me, I want them to be accurate. I never said I wouldn’t do it. I made it clear I didn’t want to, but I would have thought my family know me well enough to know that I can’t really say no to anything anyway.

This is, of course, part of the problem. I don’t feel like I can say no when people ask these things. Some of it, a lot of it even, is probably just in my head; I hate the thought of letting people down, and if it’s clear that the answer I give to a question like that isn’t the one they want, I will feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. That isn’t really their fault. I don’t know where it comes from, but I don’t think it’s my family. At the same time, though, I do wish they’d just stop asking me things, and stop acting like when I say know it’s just because I can’t be bothered. 

I realised today that I have been at home for the longest period of time since I started uni over three years ago. At uni, I was away for 3 months, back for a month, away for three, back for one, away for a couple of weeks, back for three/four months, then the cycle starts again. I was comfortable that way. I got independence, and when I started to get tired out by that, I could come home, and I never got time to be tired by that before I got to go back to uni again. Now, I’m at home, and, as I said, I’ve fallen into this cycle where I feel like my only purpose is doing shit for other people, and I can’t even say no because I know that if I do, and it’s not the answer that the asker wants, I’ll feel like shit for the rest of the day because I’ve let them down. 

What I need is a break. Like, I think I literally need a holiday from my family. To just get away, on my own, for just a couple of days, overnight even, just to have some space to refocus myself. Like writing my book; I often have to take a day off planning because I just need that focusing time. I need that right now. I’ve even looked into things, but NOPE! I can’t go anywhere right now, can I? I mean, I guess I could, but it wouldn’t feel responsible, I don’t know if I’d even be allowed in my Tier 3 area... 

So I don’t really know how I get out of this. I just feel trapped in this cycle, and I don’t know how to get out of it, because it’s not like I’m moving out any time soon. I can’t get a job, at least not one that isn’t going to either put my family at even more risk of the pandemic, or make me want to kill myself. So I’m just stuck. And I don’t really know how to get out.

[you-andthebottlemen]

7 - (ayyy wink wink)

Request: “Could you do one where you guys are childhood friends and there was always something between you but he goes off on tour and you guys don't see each other until a few years when he's back in town? Thank you!! xx”

So this one’s a little dramatic...rather that just cute. Idk how I feel about it??? What do you all think??

P.S: I know I’ve screwed up the timelines a bit and they’re not accurate to real life events but hey I don’t know everything and this is a fic...so cut me some slack :p 

*****

“Come on y/n, we are going to the McCann’s for dinner hurry up and get ready!” Called your mother.

You stomped down the stairs and looked at her with a frown.

“Do I really have to go?” you questioned.

“Come on you love them, you’ve never had an issue with going before?” She said.

Yeah you did love them and yeah you’d never had an issue before but that was because before, you didn’t realise you had a great big crush on Van. 

“Please, can I stay home?” You begged.

“No, y/n, you can’t.”

You rolled your eyes at her and stormed off back upstairs. 

“Van will be really disappointed if you don’t show up!” She yelled in a teasing tone as you walked away. You groaned and slammed your door shut.

......

So later that evening, despite your protests, you found yourself at the McCann’s bed and breakfast, having dinner. After the meal, you and Van escaped off to his room as usual. You’d basically grown up together. He was your best friend, although you weren’t his. Your mum and his mum, Mary, had gone to school together and stayed friends. Your mum helped out with the business sometimes. Mary also employed you and Van to do the odd job but it usually resulted in you just screwing around and Van probably breaking something. 

You lay on his bed on your back, looking up at the ceiling. He sat on the end playing his guitar and fiddled around with some new chords he’d thrown together into a new song. Every song he played just got better and better. You listened to him intently but were kinda zoned out. Usually, you never felt safer or happier than in this exact position but now all you could feel were butterflies and all you could think of was kissing him; it felt wrong and stupid. 

“What’re you thinking about y/n?” Van asked as he stopped playing the guitar.

“Just about that song, it’s really good what’s it called?” You lied.

“Hmmm ‘Tyrants and Trippin’’ I think,” he said thoughtfully.

“It’s gonna be a hit,” you told him, because you knew it was true.

He put the guitar down and climbed on top of you, in a straddling position. You tried not to blush and turn sweaty but it didn’t work.

“I have something to tell you,” he said quietly, playing with the zipper on your jacket. 

“I’m leaving. I’m going on tour and I don’t plan on coming back,” Van whispered. You’d never heard him sound so serious or scared. 

“Oh my god Catfish are touring?” You exclaimed. 

You pushed him off you sideways and sat up. This was huge. They’d played gigs and that but an actual tour...fuck. Your heart filled with pain silently. You didn’t want him to leave you. But that was clouded by your happiness for him and your pride in his hard work. You pushed all romantic thoughts and feelings about Van aside. He loved that fucking band so much. You knew he’d make it proper one day. You pulled him into a hug, sharing his excitement. Secretly, you held on longer than you should have because you couldn’t help but feel like everything was going to change from now.

......

So after that night, you dared not bring up how you felt. You kept it inside. Weeks went by and you helped him and the lads prepare for going away. You told them which songs were great and which ones sucked. They listened to you respectfully and trusted your judgement. 

The day finally came where you said goodbye and wished them luck for the UK tour supporting you weren’t sure who. You told Van to call you every day and he promised he would. You helped pack his guitar into the shitty white van and hugged all the guys goodbye. When you got to hugging Van last you held on extra tight and buried your face into him. He did the same. 

“You know, you’ve always been there for me y/n. You’ve always had faith in my shitty little band and one day I’m gonna do you proud. I’m gonna write so many fucking songs about you,” he whispered in your ear as he held you close. 

That made you think that maybe, just maybe he felt something for you too because you knew he only ever wrote about girls he was into. And there was a lot of them. But you also knew that Van was like a puppy or a child at times and he often didn’t mean to sound as deep as he did.

Bernie beeped the horn, giving you a fright. Van quickly kissed your cheek and jumped into the passenger side before you could say anything. They all waved at you as they drove away. 

That goodbye wasn’t meant to be permanent. But it was. 

Van started off calling you every day like he promised. You were so happy for him and the success they were finding. But you couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss in the bottom of your chest. You wished you could have gone with them. But as the weeks went by, he was getting further and further away. This all rang true when eventually he called less and then stopped altogether. He’d become too busy and gotten carried away with his new life. But you understood and never got angry with him. You would never give him shit for living his dreams, even if that meant leaving you behind. 

Eventually, Bernie came home and you heard an unlimited stream of stories. He was absolutely beaming with pride for his son. You were proud too but you still felt sad and empty. You felt alone without Van around. 

Soon months went by, then a year.

Van and Catfish stayed in London or wherever they could find an empty bed or space of floor, you weren’t sure. They gigged as often as they could and worked harder than ever. You didn’t speak to any of them but saw their posts on social media. Every time there was a picture of Van on your feed, your heart got just that bit heavier. You had to unfollow them all, it was too much. He was obviously loving life and you were stuck here in this small town, hopelessly in love with your best friend who you probably wouldn’t ever have time for you again.

......

You knew that over the years Van had, in fact, come home, but it was never for long and he never once tried to contact you. Catfish had completely blown up in such a short time, he could afford to buy his own place with Larry in England. So he was never around for anything other than seeing his parents. 

In time, your feelings had eventually faded and you had tried to push all thoughts of Van aside. Which was really fucking hard as not only was he the absolute talk of your shit little town, there were photos of you and him all over your house thanks to your mother. You were grateful for the time you spent living away at uni where you could be someone other than the girl Van left behind. 

You didn’t really have any negative feelings for him. You never resented him for any of it. How could you? He didn’t know how you felt and he was out there achieving all he’d ever wanted and all you’d ever wanted for him. After all, really you were just kids when he left. It was a friendship that had simply drifted.

“Hey y/n...I thought you might want to go to this?” Your mum asked one night at dinner, pushing an envelope towards you across the table.

You opened it to find two tickets to the show Catfish were playing in the major venue near Llandudno. You looked at her and sighed.

“Come on y/n it’s been years. Aren’t you at least curious about what they’re like?” She pleaded. Her tone reminded you of the night you pleaded with her to stay home and not go to the McCann’s. The night where Van said he wanted to leave and not come back.

“No. I’m not.”

That was a lie, you were. But you didn’t want to open old wounds. You’d tried to avoid Van and Catfish where you could. But every so often you’d hear the unmistakable growl of Van’s voice on the radio even if you didn’t know the song. Other times there’d be posters advertising their albums plastered all over town. Not to mention their online presence which you avoided like the plague. 

You turned the tickets over in your hand and thought back to all the nights spent in garages or Van's bedroom where he would soulfully scribble out songs that were way too big for the grimy pubs they played them in. 

I suppose just popping in wouldn't hurt too much, you thought.  

So later that night you and your mother got all dressed and ready and set off for the gig. The traffic was worse than you thought and you’d already planned to arrive well after doors so you and your mum only made it for the end of their set. 

You walked through the security at the doors and had your ticket scanned. Proper bouncers at a Catfish show? You laughed. 

When you walked into the concert hall you suddenly understood why. It was completely packed. There was a sea of people jumping, shouting, singing, smiling... It took your breath away. However, there was no band on stage. Had you missed them?

That’s when you heard it. The first few notes of Tyrants and Trippin’. Your breath caught in your throat and your eyes widened and almost fell out of your skull. 

Van came out on stage thrashing himself around and playing his guitar messily. From a distance, he looked the same. But when he looked up finally to sing the intro, you could see how he’d changed. The song had changed too, it was eerily similar to the one he had played for you that night in his room but like him, it had grown up. 

You had to lean against the wall and breathe. You were so overwhelmed with feelings you didn’t even recognise. The crowd was loving it, they were going mental actually. You were bursting with pride as each and every one of those people sang the words back to Van. The room was absolutely electric. It was the best thing you’d ever seen. Suddenly it all made sense why he never came back to that small town you both, once, called home. 

After the massive ending, he said a sincere thank you to the crowd and walked off dripping in sweat. You saw Larry come out and hand out set lists which everyone went mad for. He looked older too, but just as proud of his best mate. You were glad to see he’d stayed by Van’s side all that time.

“They were incredible, weren’t they? I never knew Van was actually good? Always thought he just messed around in school a lot,” your mother said and you nodded, fighting a smile. 

Your mum pulled you over to the back entrance, she was trying to find Mary and Bernie. You started to panic.

 “Oh god no, mum I can’t see them,” you insisted.

“Yes you can, you’re nearly 23 for God’s sake,” she was pushing you.

You’d seen Mary and Bernie around yes, but you all had grown apart since Van left. It had been almost two years since you’d seen them properly, with living away at uni and everything. Mary and your mother embraced tightly and Bernie kissed her cheek. When they saw you they smiled and both pulled you in for a hug, commenting on how much you’d grown and what a ‘fine young woman’ you’d turned into. 

They led you past more security and up through to the dressing rooms in the back of the venue. You felt like everything was going to go horribly wrong. Van obviously didn’t want to see you and you had no idea about how you even felt yet alone how you’d treat him. He hadn’t even thought to contact you about their first massive home show. Your palms were sweaty and your vision was starting to blur a little from anxiety. 

Bernie knocked at the door and some guy you didn’t recognise who had curly hair, a hat and a hideous velvet shirt on, opened the door. He shouted excitedly as Van’s parents went inside, Mary pulled you and your mother behind her. The hat guy looked confused but said nothing. 

The room was full of a crowd of people you didn’t know. You awkwardly stood behind your mum, feeling like a child, looking at the floor and wishing it would open up and swallow you whole. 

“Holy shit!” Larry came over and bundled you into a hug before you had the time to realise what was happening.

“Um hi...” you said shyly but smiling. 

“I’m actually at a loss for words, it’s been so long!” He exclaimed. 

“Yeah, it’s been ages. I caught the last song, Tyrants and Trippin’...it was so good,” you said, unsure of what else to talk about.

“It’s just Tyrants now...but yeah they’re class eh?” Larry told you, his eyes shining with enthusiasm. 

“Oh right...yeah,” you trailed off. 

Your mum had walked off with Van’s parents and was talking to the hat guy. 

“If you don’t mind me asking, why’d you stop having anything to do with us? When the boys took off, you just disappeared. Van said you didn’t want anything to do with him?” Larry asked quietly when you were finally alone in the doorway. 

“What the fuck?” You said a little too loudly. 

“Me disappearing on him? Oh, that’s rich, I never said any of that shit. He’s the one who totally stopped calling me, never returned my texts and never once came to see me in the last few years. Didn’t even tell me he was playing Llandudno. Only here because mum dragged me. He disappeared on me!” You felt angry and like you were going to cry. 

“What the fuck...” he said slowly. “I had no idea. I’m sorry, I would have said somethin’ to you but Van...”

Larry grabbed you by the arm, led you through the dressing room and out the back door into the loading area. You stopped dead in your tracks when you saw Van leaning against a wall with a cigarette in his hand, smoke gliding through the air around him. 

He looked up with a smile, expecting it to be the boys, but his face fell into a look of sheer shock when he saw you standing there and Larry's hand around your upper arm, making sure you wouldn't run away. 

You all stood there in silence. You stared at Van, taking him in. You saw his beloved necklace still hanging between his collar bones. His hair was the most different; it actually looked good. And his clothes were stylish, his black jeans and button up made him look effortlessly sophisticated. But you knew he wasn’t sophisticated...well he never used to be. He was dressed like a man; not the boy who left you at those years ago. 

“Give us a minute mate,” Van eventually said. His voice sounded the same, maybe just a little lower. 

Larry let go of your arm and turned to go inside without a word. Van dropped his cigarette on the ground and squished it with his boot once he was done. He quickly took out another and lit it as if his life depended on it. He held the pack out to you as an offering and you shook your head. Although you considered it, as your nerves were going through the roof. 

“I don’t smoke anymore,” you said.

“I guess a lot’s changed then,” Van responded simply.

You let out a small, sarcastic laugh.

“You look nice,” he said, obviously avoiding the elephant in the room.

“Why the fuck did you tell the guys I cut you off when you left?” You questioned, tears starting to well up in your eyes.

You started to ball your fists by your sides and shake a little. 

“I understand stuff got mental with the band and you got successful and I’m so fucking proud of you Van. I never got angry that you stopped calling but it hurt like hell feeling like you just forgot I ever existed, like I’d never meant anything to you,” you told him, letting it all release. It felt good.

He said nothing.

“So what’s your excuse Van? Why’d you never see me when you came home? Why’d you never, in almost 4 or however many years it’s been, even try to contact me once? Did you not care? Did you not get curious? Or was I just someone you stepped on in order to get to the top?” Tears were falling out of your eyes like a river now and all the emotions you’d been too scared to feel over the last few years took over your body.

He looked down at the ground, clearly your harsh words had hit home. He’d finished the smoke already and you could tell he was battling nerves of his own. 

“I don’t have a fucking excuse okay? I left, my life changed, I was in love with you and I handled the whole thing really fucking badly. I was young and stupid. What do you want me to say? I was embarrassed at the fact I’d left it so long...I just couldn’t bare the thought of finally coming home and seeing you with someone else. I decided to just leave it and let you do your own thing without me. I know it’s fucking pathetic and wrong, I just didn’t know what to do, I’m sorry y/n,” Van was almost shouting, he was really upset and it hurt you to see. 

“You were in love with me?” You asked quietly, whispering. 

Everything suddenly felt calm, as if you were in the eye of a storm and you let the last few tears fall from your cheeks to the ground.

“Of course I was. Thought about you every fucking day since I left you kissing your cheek,” he told you, running a hand through his hair. 

“What would you do if I said I was in love with you too?”

“Then or now?” He asked.

“Both.”

As soon as those words left your lips, he collided into you like a magnet and kissed you. It was like some ungodly force. Nothing had ever felt so right. Van kissed you with enough passion that it somehow, made it feel as though you’d never once been separated. You knew then, that despite what you told yourself, your feelings for him had never left you and that there had always been something between you.

#catb #catfish and the bottlemen #van #van mccann #vanfic #vanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic