#i should go back to using a normal word processor instead of the drafts here

[ikemenomegas]

do you have any favorite headcanons for omega kakashi? love your blog -3-

Cooking Kakashi (insert cooking mama ver kakashi icon... which is a game I would play the hell out of. I want him to like me so bad...)

I love that Kakashi can canonically cook very well and that he likes cooking for his loved ones. Even though the first of those people are no longer here, it brings him a lot of peace to cook for his Alpha.

He likes that he made something with his own two hands that contributes to the joy and health of his loved ones. It’s also an act of living that makes him feel more human and cooking tasty food for himself was one of the things he used to ground himself during his worst moments or when he was alone after missions (a good weapon needs to be able to at least function -> (eventually) I am a person and it's okay to enjoy things because I deserve it).

He was not originally much of an experimenter, but he learned enough about the basics that he was able to start improving upon recipes. His recipes are full of annotations because even though he's got a stellar memory, he's old enough he knows there's only so much space up there. However, half of these notes only make sense to himself. Good luck trying to replicate those dishes...

He's not much of a "collector", anti-clutter Kakashi

So his preferred method of receiving affection is not gift giving.

However, Cooking Kakashi™️ might accept a few things. Recipe books are a little hard because Kakashi has to be interested in more than just two or three things in the book. He typically prefers to decide on these himself. He likes to work through everything in the book and pick out his favorites. If you tell him you want to buy it for him though, he'll let you. A bookshop date, anyone?

The one thing he does love is the cooking supplies you buy him. High quality ceramics, one of a kind glassware, accent-like cups or bowls. If you're careful about only buying a piece here and a piece there, it doesn't build up clutter, and it becomes a nice special occasion kind of gift. Hot pot is not his most favorite meal ever but he loves the donabe you got him.

He also doesn't have a lot of spare nesting materials, but if you can talk him into letting you take him to a nesting supply shop, he'll usually buy something (because he thinks you think he needs more soft things, which makes him feel cared for but can also get overwhelming on occasion).

Overall though, quality time and some physical touch are his preferred ways of receiving affection.

Cat person who has dogs Kakashi

Kakashi shows up whenever he wants or perfectly on time, prefers only certain people and usually small gatherings or being alone (although being alone with his Person doesn't really count as company), has a lot of very, let's call them specific, habits, is incredibly particular about certain things... and is also something of a prankster.

In a way it's very funny because he's the pack leader of his ninken.

Very respectful but incredibly kinky Kakashi.

Consent is sexy and Kakashi is the sexiest because he's the kind of person who won't act without permission. He's also the kind of person who's almost too shy to even think of his Alpha in an explicit way. This isn't a purity thing. It's just a him being shy and feeling undeserving thing. Have to be careful because he's the kind of sub to say "you can do anything to me, I don't mind" and mean it, and part of a long term relationship with Kakashi is teaching him about his own boundaries.

I'm a big fan "yes he does wear that many layers" Kakashi

Part of it is a feeling of security. But it makes me wonder if he just tends to run cold for some reason. Bundle him up in blankets and feed him soup.

The hospital is very grateful for Kakashi's mate. He tends to run away less if his mate is allowed to either stay with him while he recovering and there's a few times where he's been very happy to get discharged home earlier because Tsunade knows someone responsible and capable of getting Kakashi to sit still while he's getting better.

Lazy Kakashi

Kakashi doesn't hate being a ninja. I get the sense that he thinks ninja are necessary in the world, and he's seen both the good and bad that shinobi missions can do. He doesn't hate it, but he's tired of it.

There's a difference between working hard because you have to and because you want to. I'm a huge fan of lazy Kakashi, no work Kakashi! he doesn't want to go on tiring missions anymore and he certainly didn't love being hokage! don't make him! Let him stay at home every day and do whatever he wants to do, let him spend all day in bed with you and a book and his puppies if he wants!

That said, he's been a shinobi so long, he would miss the athleticism if he ever had to leave, he likes being skilled. That's why he goes back to doing non-combat and teaching jobs after retiring. But he leaves plenty of space for well earned leisure time.

Hobby Husband Kakashi

He's used to having somewhat structured time, so sometimes he has trouble picking something to do on his day off. After the war, he also has to figure out how to fill additional hours since he doesn't stare at the memorial stone all the time.

He actually does like to just try new things. He's the type who naturally ends up pretty good at almost everything he tries though so there's not much he pursues more than one or two times. Once he settles in with his mate, he likes to do things with you. It's more fun and fulfilling than doing activities alone. His favorite hobby is reading though. Reading usually gives him an idea of what he might want to try next.

#from the notebook #oh look another thing I lost somehow and had to rewrite. rip me #i should go back to using a normal word processor instead of the drafts here #this is ask is from the first of february #truly the worst sorry #I needed a break from jjk content because it's making me feel very sad lately #finishing these was a perfect change! #hatake kakashi #omega!kakashi #naruto #omegaverse #alpha!reader #headcanons

[jcmorrigan]

I saw the tag- I am gonna ask you about the crossover universe- (omg I’m literally gushing about this)

OH, IT IS TIME!

 So you can find a lot of this on the “What is the WHAM ARMY?” page on my blog – I’ll try to remember to link it; I’m drafting this in a word processor first so I don’t use it. Essentially, this is the universe I’ve created for my fanfic “Taking Back the Crown,” which is about…basically my favorite villains all moving into the same house and trying to take over the multiverse. And then it got lore. And more lore. Because I cannot write anything normal. The fic is nearing its 150th chapter and I’m nowhere NEAR exhausted of all the ideas I want to put in it – it’s just my big playground for hyperfixation fun. Anyway, here’s a rundown of the major points of it!

 THE CAST

 The main characters are the eight villains who are the founders of the WHAM ARMY. The faction name is an acronym of their first initials. They’re my ultrafaves, the villains I always get fluttery heart for, and probably the biggest collection of losers you can imagine. I’ll put them in order of the acronym and give you some background on how each entered the team.

Wuya (Xiaolin Showdown) – So the connecting factor between these people is that Mozenrath (his name is a few slots down) is their team leader and the one who decided to build a team in the first place. Wuya was recruited when Mozenrath found her puzzle box in an ancient vault. This is set post-series for XS (and Chronicles is not at all canon), so what had happened is in the big Showdown right after Raimundo was named team leader officially in the finale, the Xiaolin Monks won ALL the Shen Gong Wu to their side and stuffed Wuya in the box. So Mozenrath found her and let her out so they could be pals. A magic potion let her regain human form fairly early on, and her power isn’t even nerfed either the way Chase Young would’ve done.

Huntsman (American Dragon: Jake Long) – ADJL is also post-series in this timeline. Mozenrath has the power to resurrect people from the dead at will because he’s memorized an ancient and incredibly complex ritual that he can execute mentally (note that this means you can remove this ability from him by tampering with his memories). The Huntsman was resurrected so as to show Mozenrath around the old Huntsclan vault (which is where they found Wuya’s puzzle box). No other Huntsclan member survived the purge except Rose (and 88 and 89, but they don’t count and aren’t in this story), so the Huntsman is starting from square one.

Ayam Aghoul (Aladdin: The Animated Series): Basically just got sick of losing. He’d teamed up with a few other rando Aladdin rogues to try and pick a fight with Maleficent, and she sent him packing. So he ended up finding one of the few residents of the Seven Deserts who was powerful enough to match him AND had a similar grudge against Maleficent.

Mozenrath (Aladdin: The Animated Series): The man of the hour and the creator of the entire team. He starts the fic by crashing Maleficent’s KH Disney Villain alliance and trying to add himself to it, but…ends up being such a disrespectful nuisance that Hades just drags him straight down to the Underworld. That moment inspired him to get his OWN band of friends and start making a name for himself.

Archibald Snatcher (The Boxtrolls): Met Mozenrath in the Underworld after his death in film canon. Annoyed Hades one too many times by claiming that he wasn’t actually supposed to die, seeing as he isn’t allergic to dairy (he is), so Hades threw him in the same cell as Mozenrath and…

Roman Torchwick (RWBY): I started writing this fic in 2016, immediately post-V3, so it’s canon-divergent after the last episode of V3 (but I got all the later-game characters to show up eventually). Which means Roman is ALSO dead at the start of this fic. He ALSO comes storming up to Hades insisting he’s not even supposed to be dead. At the same time as Snatcher is already pestering him. Which is how Mozenrath, Snatcher, and Roman end up in the same jail cell in Tartarus and get the idea that maybe they should break back into the world of the living and try to build something BETTER than what any of the three had beforehand.

Mad Madam Mim (The Sword in the Stone): Mozenrath, immediately after breaking out of the Underworld, attempted to take over Arthur’s kingdom by just walking in and throwing magic around. It backfired horribly when Merlin showed up. But then Mim showed up to counter Merlin and realized that maybe she had a potential friend here who was as blackhearted as she.

Yzma (The Emperor’s New Groove): Post-TENG, no KNG or TENS (but I reference things from TENS every now and again). Merlin turned Mozenrath into a rat, so Mim brought him to Yzma’s Secret Lab to change him back. There, they found Yzma as a cat, and she so desperately wanted out of her living situation that she added herself to the team. She was also restored to human form shortly thereafter.

 There is a potential ninth member of the core in the form of Vexen (Kingdom Hearts). KH is canon-divergent after DDD and basically ignores almost every game that comes out after Fragmentary Passage. Vexen, as Even, was trying to integrate into life as a hero in Radiant Garden, except everyone annoyed him way too much, so he decided to go be with people that would give right back any insults he dished out. And then realized he was much happier being on the evil team and doing mad science with no ethics. However, he will not be promoted to the upper ranks because 1. it would spoil the acronym and 2. he is unanimously agreed-upon to be the biggest wet blanket of the group and nobody wants him at the founder parties.

(Imagine my disbelief when the actual canon arc for Vexen was THE REVERSE ONE IN WHICH HE JUST DECIDES TO GO LIVE AT RADIANT GARDEN AND NOT BE ANNOYED BY ANYTHING and that’s why JC doesn’t like Kingdom Hearts III)

 Anyway, this crew is a bunch of silly friends who enjoy partying, singing, dancing, drag, indulging in vices, causing mayhem, taking over cities, arranging for mass murder, piecing together smear campaigns…but they’re all pretty much ride or die for each other. And that goes double for the ships of the set: Mozenrath/Huntsman, Mim/Aghoul, Wuya/Yzma, and my favorite ship to end all favorites, Roman/Snatcher (RedHatBlackHat is the ship name).

From there, you have a B-Squad of, like, seventy other people based on my faves. Nonnie, I know you saw this because of Vincent Edgeworth, Victor Blake, and Albert Krueger, and they are three of COUNTLESS examples. It’s a found crime family that keeps getting bigger as I get more fave villains and there’s hardly a rhyme or a reason. Currently, they live in a floating fortress designed when they stole Terra Cyclonia (Storm Hawks) and hefted it out into the aether between worlds with crystal technology.

 They have a rival hero faction in the form of the Cinnamons: a gathering of people who they’ve wronged who turned out to make pretty good friends themselves. While the WHAM ARMY are the villain-protag team that you feel slightly bad loving the escapades of, the Cinnamons are the rainbows, fluff, sunshine, (secret crippling depression and anxiety), and pep-talkers of the multiverse. They’re the deuteragonist team as opposed to the “villains” of the story. They also have eight “leaders,” but they were picked up a little less quickly than the WHAM ARMY founders, instead coming together over the span of a much longer quest. These people are:

Sora (Kingdom Hearts): Heart of the team and the person who pulled them all together, because Sora loves everyone. He, Riku, and Kairi witnessed the WHAM ARMY wreaking destruction on both Radiant Garden and Disney Castle, and Sora decided no one gets to treat his homes-away-from-home like that and get away with it! Between Mozenrath and the still-looming threats of Maleficent and Xehanort, he’s now collecting pals from all worlds to fight against evil and do as much good as they can do! (While having sleepovers.)

Ruby Rose (RWBY): Before she, Nora, Ren, and Jaune could get into Mistral, Sora interrupted them on their path and directed them right back around to Vale with the news that Roman Torchwick was back in action. After an incident involving the Destiny Trio and Team RNJR having to team up and actually kill the massive Grimm unleashed in the V3 endgame, they all headed out to Radiant Garden together to continue their mission.

Papyrus (Undertale): Sora found him while exploring worlds and they clicked immediately as pals. Then the WHAM ARMY, who was living in Mt. Ebott at the time, sparked an anti-monster racist sentiment through the town, and Papyrus was advised to leave the world for his own safety, so he went traveling with Sora.

Stork (Storm Hawks): Maleficent, who is also an active player in this game, made a power play by destroying the Condor with the entire Storm Hawks team onboard while they were on the Far Side of Atmos (post-series). Stork, believing himself to be the only survivor, attempted to take his own life – only for Sora to show up just in time and offer him something better: hope that his friends survived, and new friends to tag along with until they could prove either way.

Jasmine (Aladdin): The Cinnamons came looking to Agrabah for more information on Mozenrath. When Jasmine heard he was causing chaos, she decided to get personally involved.

Katara (Avatar: The Last Airbender): Post-ATLA, no LoK. Sora made a trip to the Fire Nation to see if he could head off the WHAM ARMY’s latest scheme, and ran into the Gaang along the way. After helping Katara, Aang, and Zuko protect the Fire Nation from a very near miss, Sora invited them to come travel with him. Only Katara accepted at first, the other two wanting to clean things up on their homeworld.

Kazuichi Soda (DanganRonpa): Post-SDR2, no DR3. Xehanort requested Izuru Kamukura be used as a vessel, and Kazuichi went in Izuru/Hajime’s place so his buddy didn’t have to. But the first chance he got, Kazuichi turned and ran from the Castle That Never Was…where Sora had just crash-landed. Kazuichi patched up Sora’s ship, and immediately became part of his crew. (Worth noting: in this AU, the Remnants of Despair were never brainwashed and were completely aware of what they were doing. Kazuichi is basically a redemption story, trying to be a better person to make up for the hell he caused. Also, while on the Despair side, he’d hacked off his leg to sew Junko’s in its place, disabling himself – that leg goes through an arc regarding what prosthesis is in its place.)

Rapunzel (Tangled): After the Vardaros arc of S2 of Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure. Rapunzel was targeted by the WHAM ARMY because she was essentially a living MacGuffin for one of their spells. Sora showed up, and Rapunzel decided to go along with him for safety AND fun, leaving Cassandra to continue the pilgrimage to the Dark Kingdom. (Wrote this before KHIII was out. And before the Evil Cass twist.)

 And just like the WHAM ARMY, these folks have a huge B-squad that lives in the Radiant Garden castle and helps them deal with the various tragedies they have to clean up after. Riku, Kairi, and Jaune Arc in particular get a decent amount of stage time.

 As you can see, Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty/Kingdom Hearts) and her forces are another big set of chess pieces on the board! After she sent Mozenrath to gay baby jail and it didn’t stick, she’s been trying to continue plans for domination as usual but ALSO wipe the WHAM ARMY off the face of the multiverse. She, Jafar (Aladdin), Ursula (The Little Mermaid), and Hades (Hercules) all came straight here from KH. But I’m working to model that team’s inner circle on the team in “Quite a Glittering Assemblage,” the sister fic by gavillain (it’s basically this premise but Maleficent gets a team to start instead, but similarities end there, his is a whole different, fresh, and fun flavor). I’ve just gotten all these characters intro’d instory, but the other biggies are Loki (Marvel – I based him in the Cinematic Universe but he’s kind of just an amalgamation of Lokis), Dr. Doom (Marvel), Captain Hook (Once Upon a Time), Russell Edgington (True Blood), and Fish Mooney (Gotham). Currently, they operate out of the Forbidden Mountain in the Enchanted Dominion.

 There’s also a very new addition as of the 140’s chapters: the Heathens. This is a squad of villains with moral lines in the sand (and some antiheroes or corrupted heroes). Basically, these aren’t your killers for fun. These are the people who steal candy from the gas station and think they’re slick, but the point is they’re enjoying themselves so just let it happen. The four founders of this one are Harley Quinn (DC – based on The Batman but an amalgamation of Harleys that leans sympathetic), Yang Xiao Long (RWBY), Giovanni Potage (Epithet Erased), and Velvet Crowe (Tales of Berseria). Currently, they operate out of the old mansion in Twilight Town.

 The Xehanorts are here, and that team is largely who you think it is – though I stripped away Vexen, Demyx, Marluxia, Larxene, and Luxord in order to replace them ALL with Xaldin. More crossover shenanigans to come on this front. This team isn’t very active – they’re waiting for the Keyblade War – but they’re operating out of the World That Never Was.

 There’s also another side villain faction: the Morbians, led by Mirage (Aladdin: The Animated Series). These are the demons of fear, the stuff that lurks in your nightmares, and…the villains I really like but who I don’t quite think fit in with the WHAM ARMY or any other more prominent group. But to give you an idea of what the flavor of this team is, she’s recruited not one but TWO Boogeymen – Pitch Black (Rise of the Guardians) and Oogie Boogie (The Nightmare Before Christmas).

 There will be more villain factions to come, and I kind of want to splinter the Cinnamons to multiple bases as well. Obviously it’s easier to split villains up because they’re fun to write at war with each other – when I have hero teams come up against each other, usually they end up becoming best buddies instead of fighting, and that’s how I like it, but that’s why there’s just ONE BIG HERO TEAM as opposed to the many villain squads rattling around.

 THE SETTING

 So as you have probably gleaned, the multiverse setup is largely based on Kingdom Hearts, which is one of my favorite things (in the KH1 through Fragmentary Passage era anyway). There are many worlds that can be visited either by Gummi Ship or Corridor of Darkness. Basically any evil-aligned sorcerer can use Corridors in this ‘verse – they’ve opened their souls to Darkness and have magic, so they can do so.

 The implication is that every world represents a separate “story” or part of one. As in if it’s a work of fiction HERE, it’s a world THERE. Some characters are actually savvy enough to know they’re fictional (e.g. Megavolt from Darkwing Duck, Xayide from The Neverending Story). Most of them aren’t built to handle the news, though, and just shrug it off if told. (No, really, the cosmic order prevents them from taking that news seriously if they’re not from something that regularly leans on the fourth wall anyway.)

 But sometimes, things get AU’d in without their full worlds. I was inspired by how Final Fantasy is treated in canon KH, and once I started bringing in more FF stuff by the same method, I felt motivated to do that with MORE fandoms if I felt the characters could be divorced from their settings and histories easily. I’ve done it for most Disney Channel non-animated properties as well as Satellite City (ain’t that the worst combo you’ve ever looked at). I’m planning to do it for Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn because I’m coming up on a location I want to delve into the civilization of but don’t have many canon characters for, so guess what, you get the FE cast now.

 Major worlds or relevant locations in play are the Cyclonian warship, Radiant Garden, Twilight Town, and occasionally the Enchanted Dominion, but we move from plotline to plotline with journeys to many, many, MANY worlds of things I want to play with the settings and casts of. Also, the Cyclonian warship is about to get replaced with another WHAM ARMY base; we’ll get there.

 THE STORY

 For the first major “book” of TBTC, the WHAM ARMY has found a spell that they think will let them conquer the entire multiverse by giving them control over Kingdom Hearts itself. All they have do to is collect a bunch of MacGuffins that correspond to twelve elements: fire, water, earth, air, light, darkness, life, death, time, space, entropy, and aether. In order to do this, they visit the worlds of KH, RWBY, Avatar, Storm Hawks, Okami, Undertale, Wakfu, The Legend of Zelda, The Neverending Story, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, and many many more. The Cinnamons catch wind of what they’re doing and start assembling. Meanwhile Maleficent is on the hunt for the Book of Prophecies and starts hiring villains on her team as well. After many madcap adventures and some devastating tragedies near endgame, the Cinnamons accidentally put the Book of Prophecies in Maleficent’s hands at the same time that Maleficent finally captures Mozenrath and gets him under heel. The WHAM ARMY and Cinnamons both launch attacks on Maleficent’s forces, and each walks away with what they came for. This is also the part where we slowburn up to the four major WHAM ARMY ships and many Cinnamon ships. In the end, the WHAM ARMY actually gets all the ingredients for their spell, but what they don’t know is it will actually cause the DESTRUCTION of the worlds. So an outside force intervenes (Discord from MLPFIM, who later joins the WHAM ARMY because he wants friends who actually appreciate him as a villain and won’t make him change) to stop them, and the next thing they know, they’re starting from square one.

 We’re now in the second “book” of this story. The Cinnamons are gathering up all lost friends – the rest of Team RWBY, the Gaang, the Storm Hawks (who did in fact survive the explosion), the lost KH characters. The WHAM ARMY, on the other hand, is gathering up more villains to bolster their forces for a new evil plan: to conquer the worlds one by one, starting with Atlantis (Disney’s Atlantis: The Lost Empire) and using portals to link to other territories of interest. While the WHAM ARMY is essentially working through a to-do list of what they need before they can launch such a massive invasion, the Cinnamons are finding strength in numbers because the writing’s on the wall that between Mozenrath, Maleficent, Mirage, and Xehanort, things are going to get worse before they get better, and as evil builds, good will need to rise to protect the innocent. As for Maleficent, she’s no longer able to chase the Book of Prophecies, and so, because she’s got Hades, Loki, and Salem (RWBY) there and they’re all like “Even though we’re pretty godlike, we are not that happy with how the gods we knew have run things,” Maleficent’s new goal is to slaughter the gods of all pantheons (minus those in her care) and replace them with her allies.

 Anyway, as I had said in the post you saw, Anon – I basically take everything fictional I love and shove it into this AU for daydreams because it lets me imagine my faves having CROSSOVER INTERACTIONS and doing cool epic stuff on a multi-world scale. (But as much as I’ve talked up the epic aspect, a lot of it is just…like…people fucking around and hosting karaoke nights.) Anyway, I hope this gave you a good sense of the madness, and I hope it serves as a reminder to everyone that they can and should just. Make a daydream and/or fanfic universe that’s indulgent as hell. Just do it.

#wham army #tbtc #long post #i considered a read more #but i hate the tiny text on my blog #i need a new blog theme

[iacon-city]

roses on fire

✷ driftrod; tw for suicidal thoughts, depression, dark feelings, slightly ooc characters.

Summary: “The matrix. Oh primus, it hurts so damn bad.”

There were nights where Drift just couldn't force himself into recharge.

There were cycles when his memories, Deadlock's memories, came to life inside his chamber and blocked out whatever slim shimmer of light made its way into his quarters, when the only solutions that remained were knocking down cube after cube of alcohol or simply wandering the halls into morning 'light'; clearly, he reasoned, the latter was far more healthy.

Yet never before had he experienced this.

The warrior was making his rounds along the outskirts of the ship, footsteps tracing patterns on the floors of the more neglected areas of the Lost Light when his optics caught sight of a form hidden away in the shadows that were cast along the cold metal walls. "Hello?" Drift's voice echoed as he slipped further down the hallway, and there wasn't a response as the figure shifted slightly. Now, Drift did not come to this area of the ship very often- no one did, in fact. This specific wing had been out of use for months, and the warrior couldn't fathom why anyone would be in this corridor at the present late time, let alone who. He narrowed his optics as his servos subconsciously settled on the hilts of his swords; "I-" he froze as he came to a halt in front of the mech, digits falling to his sides as he stared, surprised.

It was Rodimus.

"Rodimus? What the primus are you doing out here?" Drift shifted on his pedes as his captain merely dragged an arm across his face, a shaky vent escaping the prime that was pressed along the wall in solitary motion. "Roddy?" Drift's confusion quickly morphed into concern as he dropped to his knees beside the leader, a silver hand reaching towards orange.

The prime's face plate was stained with tear tracks.

"Drift," Rodimus' voice was surprisingly even, "what the hell are you doing up so late?" The swordsman faltered at the sudden question but responded nontheless. "I was just clearing my processor-" he hummed, spark hammering in dull panic, "but I think I'll stay for a bit, with you." The prime cracked a smile that didn't quite reach his optics, turning his gaze away from his crewmember; "Nah, there's no need. It's late, and you should get some recharge- it's gonna be a hectic day tomorrow." Drift grimaced at his captain's words, not moving from his kneeled position. "Rodimus." The warrior's voice was soft, "Are you-" he was interrupted with an abrupt "I'm fine." Spouting from Rodimus, and Drift scoffed in mock disbelief.

"Like primus you are."

There was a pause as silence filled the gap between communication; "I can't do this right now, Drift." Rodimus finally spoke with tired words, "Go back to sleep. We'll deal with this tomorrow, or, I dunno, never." The swordsman shifted to sit closer to his prime, his captain, his leader; he had never seen Rodimus like this, before, and the fact was scaring him. "I don't particularly find those odds comforting," he mused, "so I think it would be best to get it out of the way, now, when it's just the two of us and the cold air draft from down the hall." A small smile slipped across Rodimus' face at his friend's words, and he took a shuddering breath at the thought of maybe, perhaps, letting someone know, letting someone in.

"Just hurts, is all."

The captain gave Drift a weak laugh, "'M getting real tired of it." Drift tensed at his words, offering a gentle push to keep him talking. "What does, Rodimus?" The warmly colored mech beside him pressed a palm to his chassis, optics flickering closed as the prime's voice descended into a hoarse whisper.

"The matrix."

He dug his digits into the metal encasing his spark, "Oh primus, it hurts so damn bad." Rodimus' optics rose open, "It burns, all the time. It's growing and transferring and molding, molding me into the perfect little leader everyone needs me to be." Drift's optics were wild at the amount of pure pain that intertwined itself through Rodimus' words.

"Optimus talked about it once, y'know."

Drift's gaze was locked onto Rodimus as his grip tightened on the handles of his swords. "He told me, way back, that a prime wasn't allowed the luxury of having anything for himself; I didn't understand him, then, but it all makes sense now." The captain looked down at servos, optics staring at his hands as if they were foreign to his body; "A prime exists soley for the people, nothing more than a puppet controlled by the masses- everything he did, everything I do, is for the benefit of someone else. The greater good." Drift broke into Rodimus' train of conversation. "That doesn't mean that you have to throw away your personal ideas, Roddy. You can still have dreams, you can still-"

"No, no I can't."

Rodimus laughed, "I can't have a normal life, can't have friends, can't have lovers- in the end, the matrix won't even let me have myself." The prime's vents stuttered as his emotions overwhelmed him, "I don't know who I am, anymore. Hot Rod died the day the matrix touched my spark; when I am no longer prime, who will I be? What will be left besides a primus-saked husk and a disappointment?" There was a tinge of desperate panic in the underlying question, and Drift's own vents clicked on softly as he inhaled sharply; this version- no, this side of Rodimus was not one he ever foresaw existing.

It hurt him, seeing his close friend in such misunderstood agony.

"The matrix is a curse, a damn prop to support the ideals and tradition of a long dead society- all it does, in reality, is destroy to rewrite something 'better'. Make me into something- make me into something I never wanted to be." Rodimus' voice wavered,

"Sometimes I'd do anything to make it stop, even if it meant shooting out my own spark to make the burning cease."

His words made Drift's energon run cold, "I wouldn't wish the burden of being prime upon even the worst of my enemies." The warrior raising a servo cover his intake as a wave of pure panic washed over him. The prime noticed his action and let out a loose laugh accompanied by a tired grin. "Oh, come on, Drift; it wouldn't matter anyway, if I were dead. I'm already a ticking time bomb, so what would be the harm in offing myself sooner than later?" Drift recoiled at the utter nonchalance Rodimus spoke with. "You-" the swordsman's voice box gave out, "you want to kill yourself?" His captain waved a servo flippantly through the air as lubricant welled in the usually cocky mech's optics-

"It's not my first choice, but yeah. Yeah, it's on the playing field."

Rodimus' shoulders began to shake as the tears fell from his eyes, his little smile of melancholy dissolving into a quiet sob as he buried his helm in his knees, arms wrapping around his body as if he could just pull into himself and disappear.

"I just want it to stop, Drift. I just want peace and quiet, for once, instead of this static inside my helm."

Drift didn't hesitate to pull his friend into a close hug, burying his chin in the crook of Rodimus' neck as he held him close with shaking hands; "Don't ever take your own life, Rodimus." The warrior's voice wavered dangerously, "We need you. I need you." Drift held Rodimus tighter when he didn't respond, afraid that he'd disappear if he were to let go. "You should- you should talk to Ratchet tomorrow about the matrix and see if there's anything he can do for you. I'll even go with you, if you want. Just don't-" his optics fluttered closed as his vents clicked into high-gear,

"Just don't give up on me, okay?"

Rodimus let out a soft laugh as he once more dragged an arm across his face plate, erasing the tears that still danced down his cheeks. "Okay." He responded with a small smile, "Okay, I'll try." He leaned into Drift's frame as they stared into the dark, bodies held close as they kept each other from falling apart;

They stayed there until first morning light, a shimmer of silver and red.

#rodimus #idw #transformers mtmte #mtmte #mtmte drift #mtmte rodimus #rodimus prime #drift #driftrod #implied driftrod #deadlock #matrix #tripwrites #may be triggering #trigger warning #depression #suicidal thoughts #angst #angst with a happy ending #angst with a hopeful ending

[ahiddenpath]

Nanowrimo Update

Hey baes!  I haven’t done my writing for today, so as of 11/8, I’ve written 15,039 words.  I’m a day ahead, and I’m hoping to build another day’s buffer over the weekend.

Writing talk/excerpt/upcoming giveaway/life talk beneath the cut, wall of text ahead.

Writing Talk

So far, this has been the most painless Nanowrimo ever.  I’ve been doing this since 2008, with one year off in 2011 (Skyrim released on 11/11/11, and I knew nothing could compete with it).  I dunno why I’m doing so well, especially given that I’ve struggled to even sit down and write for... gosh, months?  Like two years?  I’m not even sure how long anymore.  I’m almost... mad?  Like?  Was I actually able to write this whole time, or...?  Did I only need some kind of deadline????

But, I’m trying to just roll with it instead of analyzing.  I can tell you that, like most Nanowrimo drafts, it’s repetitive and... pretty bad, just dialogue with stage directions.  But I know from lots of experience that fixing a terrible first draft that you enjoyed writing is much easier than agonizingly piecing together a decent first draft, so I’m just letting it flow.

Excerpt (Please forgive my unedited Nanowrimo draft, lol!  This will be the first scene of the Eimi in Tri fic.)

Eimi and the Izumis took their seats at a round table with a linen cloth.  Eimi kept glancing at Koushiro and his parents, trying to figure out how to act.  She had never been to such a fancy restaurant.

Their host, an older, handsome man in a tuxedo, helped Kae into her seat and said something Eimi couldn't parse.  After a few seconds, it registered as French with a Japanese accent.  Koushiro responded slowly, with a heavier accent, and Eimi nearly tripped on a table leg.

Stunned, she took her seat, quite missing that the host meant to help her next.  When he departed, she leaned into Koushiro, who sat beside her.

"You don't speak French," she hissed.  

He offered a sheepish smile.  "I prepared with a phrase book for tonight."

A server appeared by her shoulder with a water carafe.  Eimi leaned back to make way for her.  How long, she wondered, had Koushiro studied his phrase book?  Had he perused it for an afternoon and produced passable French?  For years, her language skills had surpassed his.  But they were first years in high school now, and the older he grew, the more Koushiro's brain expanded.  It was like watching the Winchester house growing and rearranging in its heyday, but with fewer occult references.

Not knowing what else to say, Eimi nodded and opened her leather-bound menu...  Which was entirely in French.  She swallowed a sigh that might have tarnished Koushiro's pleasure.

It was Kae and Masami's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, and Koushiro had taken pains to make it special.  Although he would never admit it to his parents, he had poured over restaurant reviews for weeks, comparing menus, ambiance, and service.  And apparently, when his choice turned out to be a French establishment, he had brushed up on the language.

His adoptive parents made it clear that Koushiro didn't owe them anything a biological child wouldn't.  This didn't penetrate Koushiro's natural sense of gratitude and appreciation, and here they sat, dressed up and smiling indulgently at Koushiro.  Everyone at the table knew that he was overdoing it... except for him.

Eimi caught Kae's eyes and had to fight down a laugh.  No one would call Koushiro out on this; he was being too damned cute.

Koushiro opened the menu and blinked.  "Ah, hmm.  Well, I can translate this."

That familiar look of pride and wonder transformed Kae and Masami's faces.  Eimi stared up at the chandelier overhead, struggling against laughter once more.  As much as she admired Koushiro's ability to pick up conversational restaurant French on a whim, she was objective enough to temper it with his inability to foresee the language barrier as an issue for his guests...  If only just.

Upcoming Giveaway

I’ve mentioned my AlphaSmart 3000 a few times, but short version: it’s a portable word processor that runs forever on three AA batteries, boots up immediately, and does nothing but store your typed words.  I can write about x1.5 as many words in the same time frame on an AlphaSmart compared to a computer, because all it does is word process.  You also can’t edit effectively on it, which slowly teaches you to focus on forward momentum while writing

What I didn’t know is that AlphaSmart created newer models before discontinuing their products in 2013.  I did some research and found that the AlphaSmart neo 2 has a more ergonomic keyboard than the AlphaSmart 3000 and has a word count feature.  Because I spend about two hours a day with this device, I decided that spending $30 was worth it to protect my hands.

So now I have an AlphaSmart 3000 that needs a new home.  While I feel a little strange about giving away the older model and keeping the newer one for myself, well...  I think it’s a great tool, and I’ve used it so much in the last six years.  It could definitely be helpful to one of my writer followers.

First, though, I need to track down a cable for it, because the Ebay seller of my new AlphaSmart neo 2 failed to include the promised cable.  In the meantime, if anyone has any ideas for the giveaway, I’m all ears.

Life Talk

I’m in a great place mentally recently, which I know is linked to being creative daily again.  It’s funny, because when you have anxiety (or depression, I imagine?), doing things sounds impossible, even if it’s something you love.  But doing things you love eases anxiety and depression, so if you continue to not do the things you love, your anxiety gets worse!  It’s a vicious cycle, and now I’m like...  Bruh.  Was a freaking deadline all I needed this whole time?!

I mean, regardless, I still needed therapy.  I still needed to learn the things I’m learning now.  But going forward, I’m definitely going to create a daily deadline for myself, even if it’s only 500 words/day (roughly 15,000 words per month, as opposed to the 50,000 words required by Nanowrimo).

However, lately I’ve been a storm of hormones in a tight bag of skin.  I can tell it’s not my mental state, which is calm and... honestly, shockingly receptive.  It’s something physical, and I’m going to get a hormone panel as soon as I can at my therapist’s recommendation.  

To give you an example...  A few days ago, when I came home from work, a car was in my assigned parking spot, so I couldn’t park.  This is annoying, yes, but all I had to do was park on the street and talk to my neighbors until I found whoever owned the car and got them to move it.  

Instead, I pulled over and shut down for about ten minutes.  I was so furious, I had to sulk/brood/talk myself down.  And then my anxiety was like, “I can’t talk to people, can’t talk to people,” while my rage (which is foreign to me) was like, “I WILL SCREAM AT THEM, HOW DARE THEY.”  

In the end, I called my husband, and he came out of the house and drove us to dinner, and the car was gone when we came home.  

This isn’t normal for me at all, and it sounds like some kind of hormone imbalance.  I can’t know for sure until I get it checked out.  In the meantime, I’ve taken to telling my husband when I’m feeling vulnerable/defensive/irritable.  I don’t want to snap at him over nothing, so I try to say something like, “I feel angry for no reason, and I need to be alone,” or “I feel defensive, and I can’t talk about this subject right now without being unreasonable.”

I dunno, maybe this sounds like I’m falling to pieces, but it’s separate from actual anxiety/stress.  It’s like...  A fake, sourceless thing.  I’m actually doing really well, it’s just that my body is bonkers.  But addressing it is simple, so at least there’s that.  And really, I should have had this done a long time ago.

And that’s all my brain is giving me right now!  I hope you’re all well :D

#hidden's life