#i think they had the least screentime of all parent children Groups

[nosfelixculpa]

I'm sorry that I'm late. I was scared by myself. I'm sorry I left you by yourself. MOVING (2023)

#creations #gifs #kdrama #kdramas #moving #lee jaeman #lee gang hoon #i think they had the least screentime of all parent children Groups #but their power they had me distraught #jaeman the man u r the way he crashes into the school a legend #i care for them a lot #i might gif their ep 19 scene as well since i wanted to reblog it but its not anywhere does it fall on me Maybe

[chipper-smol]

Hollow Knight Telephone Round Two: Babysitter SL

Prompt: Shade (lord) is in the midst of final exams and they’re more stressed and tired than usual while babysitting. They accidentally fall asleep in the middle of a calm spell and the god babies become worried. The next time Shade comes over, all of the god babies present a gift they all made together!

By @minnesotamidian-blog​

Shade barely noticed their surroundings as they entered the nursery playroom. Plastic clattered and they sighed as Radiance yelled at the top of her lungs. At least she wasn't screaming. Yet. The scene was set: Unn was still in a crib and chewing on a bar, Root was climbing slowly onto a chair. Radiance was knocking over plastic blocks as Grimm cackled away. For once, Wyrm was playing peacefully with a kick toy, batting at it with his tail. Root got onto the chair and squealed, raising her arms. "Big Root now!" The little blue-eyed godling squeaked out.

Shade picked her up, hugged her to their chest before holding her out. "Now you're a flying Root."

She screamed laughter as Shade tiredly walked her around the room before setting her down near some of her favorite toys. They made sure nobody else had claimed the chair and took a seat, bending over to pick up the fussy moth. "Ancient enemy!" Of course she bit their hand.

Shade winced and just ran a hand over her fluff. "Are you hungry for something that isn't void?" They spoke tiredly.

"Oranges!" She yelled out.

The teen sighed as he went to the mini-fridge with snacks and found some miracle of miracles! pre-peeled oranges. Shade pulled them out and put her in a high chair with one at a time so she wouldn't be tempted to throw the extras at them.

Finals were here and they were really taking it out of the gangly god. Why did they have to know stuff about inorganic chemistry? Why did they have to know about history nobody cared about? There were some fun subjects, but the finals seemed to even suck the fun out of those classes, going over notes and studying everything just in case. They'd been pulling long nights and the night before had been an all-night cram session-and they still had to come to work, they couldn't afford not to. They'd underlined all the stuff the teacher had said was important to remember and had written down stuff from the last finals about each teacher's usual tests.

It made narrowing down what to study from impossible to I'm totally toast. They groaned as they set down a calmer Radiance the opposite side of the room from Wyrm. She found toys that interested her, at least. Root wandered over to Wyrm, who was really into knocking at the kick toy and purring. Root settled nearby and burbled as she hugged and gnawed a plushie.

The teen couldn't help it. The kids were calm for once; their head started to tilt forward, eyes heavy. They were exhausted. Shade's eyes closed and their breathing deepened. At first, their toys were too interesting to notice their babysitter's state; but it didn't take long for Grimm to get bored enough to fly over and notice. "...Shade? Shade's eyes are closed." They landed and the four children not in a crib headed for the batlike godling.

"Is Shade dead?" Wyrm sounded worried.

"Don't be stupid, they're having a nap!" Radiance huffed.

Root looked up and swayed before patting Shade's leg. "Grown-ups don't have nap times." She was tearing up.

"Nuh-uh, they're having bad dreams and it's tasty!" Grimm clamored onto their lap.

The others joined, Radiance grabbing Unn to join them on the sleeping teen. Grimm rested between Shade's horns, Unn was on one shoulder, Radiance on the other, with Root and Wyrm curled up together on Shade's lap, Wyrm purring for once.

When Shade woke up, they were surprised by the weight on their body and forced themself to look down and around before moving. "Uh oh, I fell asleep… sheesh, I'm glad this place isn't a fiery disaster." They picked the godlings up. "You're not dead!" Wyrm exclaimed.

Root burst into tears and even Grimm joined in on the crying spat. Shade sighed and spent the rest of the time comforting them until meal time and settled them down. Time to go home for them all!

But the worry didn't leave the heads of the little godlings. "We should make something for Shade. If they're having nightmares, they might be sad." Radiance sighed. "But that doesn't mean I feel bad for my ancient enemy!" "What do we make?" Root twirled around, slowly turning in place until she fell onto pillows in her dizziness.

"Something of clay! I can burn it dry!" Grimm hopped around.

"But there's no clay." Unn spoke slowly, thoughtfully. "But there's crayons and paper."

"Oooh. We can make a pretty picture for Shade!" Wyrm waved his head happily. The group went for papers and each started to draw on the paper. "You're taking up too much paper!" Wyrm whined.
Radiance complained in turn, pointing at the color he was using. "I want that color!"

Wyrm growled and argued back. "I had it first!"

They started rolling around over their drawings, biting and clawing. Grimm gave a solid scream that startled the two. "You ruined Shade's pretty pictures!" He yelled.

The two looked at each other and hung their heads. "...sorry." Radiance muttered.
"-'m sorry." Wyrm looked away from the moth, skulking. "Start again? You can have the crayon, Radiance…"

Radiance took the crayon and they all picked up the last piece of paper. "I think this is better." Root spoke cheerfully.

It was three days later, once Shade had a solid night's sleep and finals completed that they'd returned to work. A large construction sheet of paper in grey covered in scribbles and rough names and messages was waiting for them.

Feel better soon Shade

Love you

Best babysitter

Tastiest nightmare!

Not the worst anciant ancient enemy.Shade could only feel warmth and laugh, hugging the drawing to themself. There were some days the job felt like the best thing in the world.  ------------------------------- By @tomatotimes

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By @loud-whistling-yes

"No."

The kids protested louder. Shade lifted the TV remote higher up, now above their head.

"Screentime's over, I said no."

Wyrm attempted to crawl up their leg in what was a rather pathetic attempt at stealing the remote, but was promptly shaken off. Grimm tried next, flying overhead to snatch the controller. Shade ducked and grabbed him by the tail before he could send himself flying straight towards the ceiling fan for the third time that day.

"Find something else to do," Shade said as they stuffed the remote deep into their pocket, much to everyone else's dismay. "Look, as much as I'd love to shut you guys up for the whole day, you've all been staring at the TV for hours now and I don't want to get in trouble with your parents."

Louder complaints.

"No, no, no. I am not cracking this time." Shade announced as they pulled Radi, who was hissing like an angry cat, off their jeans and pulled their phone out. "You guys got me last week, never again. No more TV for you, we're doing something else before I lose my money for tonight. Google almighty, what is your suggestion."

activities to do with children

fun activities to do with children

activities to do with toddlers

what can I do with kids that isn't a major headache to deal with goddamnit

Go to the park? Shade took about half a second to consider the thought before wondering why they even thought it was possible anyways. Five kids from the deepest depths of hell, outdoors? No. No park.

Finger painting? A pain to clean up, but better than outdoors. Then they looked up from their phone and considered the idea with greater thought. Grimm's wings, Radi's legs, Unn and Wyrm's… er…. Body?.... Nevermind.

Play pretend? …. If they hear the name Hallownest one more time they might just go insane.

Hide and seek? No. No no no no no. No more hide and seek. Shade was utterly sick of hide and seek. If they had to spend another second stuffed inside the closet or trying to get Radi off the roof they'll probably quit the job right there and then.

Baking?

… That might work. Sure, cleaning up is gonna be absolute hell but it's the only thing Google suggested that they haven't tried yet without horrible results.

Shade stuffed their phone back into their pocket and made a getaway to the kitchen, everyone else following, probably still trying to get the remote back. Butter, eggs, flour, sugar, oh, even some chocolate chips…

"Well then," They declared, pulling every ingredient out of the cabinet and fridge. "We're making cookies! And no, no one is allowed to touch the oven when it's hot. If you guys behave we'll have cookies in like, an hour or something like that."

The kids watched in confusion as Shade ran around the kitchen, pulling out bowls and spoons and a bunch of other utensils while typing furiously on their phone.

Cookies recipe

Cookies recipe easy

Cookies recipe for beginners

Cookies recipe for kids

"What do you guys think about chocolate chip cookies?"

Multiple chitters of approval. "Chocolate chip cookies it is then."

Step one: sieve the flour. Oh wyrm, first step and it's already gonna go to shit.

"Okay, you guys can watch this but for the love of the holy wyrm, do not touch it." Shade measured the correct amount of flour before scooping Wrym and Unn off the floor onto the table so they could see while Radi pulled herself onto the chair. The Lady had already clinged herself onto their sweater and Grimm was doing just fine flying nearby.

“You guys get one chocolate chip each if you guys behave and don’t get flour everywhere.” Shade added. “Now, Lady, hold still and don’t move, I gotta keep my hands steady for this…”

************

"Okay, chocolate chip time." Shade popped open the jar of chocolate as the kids cheered. "Actually, we’re not supposed to be eating this plain, cause it's going into the cookies. But no one actually does that so you guys get five chips each for not setting the kitchen on fire so far."

"The recipe says a cup of chocolate chips but we all know that's a lie." They added while shoving their phone back in their pocket and grabbing a handful of chips before mixing the batter together. "I'm probably not someone you should take life lessons from, but here's one thing I can guarantee you should take to heart: never follow the recipe when it comes to chocolate chips, you count that with your soul."

Final step: oven time. The oven was preheated earlier, and the only thing left was to get the cookies into the tray and into the oven. "Now, who wants to make heart-shaped cookies?"

****************

Three deformed stars, five mutated trees, two malformed cats, several irregular hearts, a couple handfuls of chocolate eaten straight from the jar, and one (1) perfectly round cookie later, the cookies were on the tray, in the oven, and in a surprising turn of events, no one burned themselves… yet. Shade grabbed everyone and made sure no one was in a five-meter radius within the oven before picking up all the dirty bowls and utensils. “Cookies will have to sit in there for about 15 minutes, we’ll be cleaning up in the meantime.”

“Don’t look at me like that, and no whining, if you want cookies you gotta deal with the mess afterwards. That's the payoff, unless you're a wizard who has a passion for baking. Then that's fair, I guess." They dumped all the used utensils they could find and turned on the sink. The sief, three bowls, tablespoons and teaspoons.. Oh wait.

"Radi, the big wooden spoon, please?" Shade called, sponge in their hand and bowls being thoroughly rinsed.

Radi, of course, was not willing to help, because she's basically a feral house cat that just so happened to grow more legs than the average feline. Shade sighed and moved on to finding the next helper they could find.

"Grimm, I know you're touching the oven, stop it. I'm pretty sure you're immune to fire but not everyone else and you're setting a bad example for them. Get me the spoon please."

“Lady, here’s a cloth, help me dry the bowls up. Wyrm, … i have no idea how you can help, no limbs and all but uh, could you go get Unn? I have no idea where she went. Thanks.” The last sentence was to Grimm, who flew over with the mixing spoon and dropped it into the sink while Wyrm scurried away to find Unn, wherever she’s napping at.

"Radi? Radi, I know you're right behind me, stop pretending that you can't hear me. Lady has an extra cloth with her, you're on table wiping duty."

*********

“See? That wasn't so bad,” Shade sent the last of the bowls back into the cupboards and closed it shut. “And the cookies are pretty much done.”

“Also, no. You may not eat the cookies the moment I pull them out of the oven. These rules also apply to Grimm because it's unfair to everyone else.. Don’t look at me like that Grimm, I know you’ll eat them all before they cool and leave us nothing.”

The cookies smelt delicious, and were left on the dining table to cool. “Now that it's cooling down, it's naptime.”

A chorus of groans and wailing.

“It’ll be ready when you guys get up. Up up up, sleep time.”

**********

If you’ve been anywhere near toddlers before, you’d know that getting them to nap in their bedrooms is a near-impossible situation. And Shade was not a person who deals with near-impossible situations well. So following the months old custom, Shade turned on the tv, remote miraculously not pickpocketed, collapsed onto the couch, and waited for everyone piling on them to fall asleep before moving them into their bedroom and pretending they managed to wrangle them all into bed.

And it all goes to plan, the Lady and Wyrm were sound asleep on their lap, Radi and Unn were dozing off on their shoulders, and they're pretty sure the snoring from the top of their head was coming from Grmm. Now, step 2: get everyone off them and onto the beds.

… Or maybe later. It's been a long day, and the couch is pretty comfy. Yeah, just five more minutes, nothing wrong with that…

And if the parents came home to see a cleaner-than-expected kitchen, a tray of chocolate chip cookies, and five kids snoring on top of their babysitter, also sound asleep, then that’s nobody’s business.

And if the originally completely full jar of chocolate chips was pretty much empty, then that’s no one’s business as well.

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By @astronomicartz​

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By @hollow-kin​

Shade lord wanted to take a nap. They are sooo tired, but they are babysitting 5 baby gods for 5$/H. Grimm is a brat, Radiance his sister is also a brat. Unn was ether eating or seeping, same with grub1. Lady was, well sweet and cuddly. they needed to find a distraction for the kids, what would work?

Would tv work, would cartoons work? They had dinner already. Tv had to work or grub and radiance would destroy the house. They needed to take a nap. Now what to watch was a different question, they would have to ask the kids. “so, what do guys want to watch? “Movie!” well they were all in agreement, what was good. “What kind of movie do you guys want to watch?” “Fire!” “dath” “animal” “tree” “ok. No, we are NOT watching fire.” “awww” “i do not know what dath means so no. So nature show it is then.” they go over to the tv and turn it on, then select the world around us. Lady was quick to fall asleep, on their lap. Shade lord slowly fell asleep, and grub nested between grub and shade lord. Grimm climed up to shade lord's head. 

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By @hawaiianbabidoll

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By @neoliberalsatan

A gentle darkness surrounded the shade lord. He finally felt at ease. "finally", he thought, "rest." it didn't take long after that before the darkness started to take shape and a whole new world created out of shadows sheathed him.

But the happiness of the shadows didn't last long. A new and a new sound drowned out their world and all the animals and plants took to hiding back in his head. The shade lord felt the distressed creations stir inside his mind and woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. He rubbed his lowest eyes and accepted the call

"Hello, with shade lord. How can i help you?" "Oh sorry dear, i know it's terribly late but we got an unexpected call and need to leave. Since you've babysat Unn multiple times we assumed she would like to stay with you. Is it okay for you? Can we bring her to your place?" The shade lord thought for a moment and decided he could use the money. "Yea it's fine, she's always such a pleasure to babysit." The voice on the other side sounded relieved. "Thank you. You're a life saver. We will make sure you're compensated accordingly."

Feeling a bit more awake after the phone call he started to prepare for having baby Unn over. After a while her parents arrived and after some greetings he was home alone with the baby. He walked with her in his arms towards the living room and placed her gently inside the crib. She opened her eyes for a moment after losing the feeling of someone holding her, but then closed them again and fell back asleep.

The shade lord decided he couldn't sleep anymore and made some popcorn and decided to put on a movie. It didn't even take 20 minutes before he got called again.

"Hello, with shade lord. How can i help you?" "Oh yes finally someone who answers. Sorry but you're our last hope. We were going somewhere tonight but our babysitter called off. Do you think you could babysit our lovely Radiance? She's very good behaved and won't cause you trouble." "yea, no problem. You'll just need to bring her to my place if it's no trouble"

Not even 5 minutes later the parents showed up and dropped of their larva. Shade lord looked at it a bit confused but didn't get the time to say anything because the parents left as soon as they handed her over. He closed his front door and gave the larva a good look. She was white and had a fluffy appearance. She had 5 pairs of legs and yellow-orange eyes. She started to writhe a little bit and shade lord made sure to hurry to the living room. He took a pillow and placed it on the couch and softly laid her on it. She seemed at ease and rested on the pillow all stretched out

Shade lord continued his movie, which was finally starting to get interesting, but as usual the commercial break hit. He was in the kitchen making more popcorn when he got another call.

"Hello, with shade lord. How can i help you?" "Hello, is this the babysitter?" "Yes, that's the one you're speaking with." "Great, a family member had an accident and i need to be there for them so do you think you could babysit for me?" "Yep, totally." "Thank you, can we bring him to you?" "Oh yea, no problem."

A few minutes later his doorbell rang and he hurried towards it. The father carried his toddler in what could only be described as wing-esque appendages. The shade lord extended his arms for the man to put his toddler in and felt a gentle brush of the leathery membrane. He shivered lightly before feeling a sudden warmth light up in his face, like someone has started a fire. When he looked back up the man was gone and he closed the door. The creature he was holding in his arms was unlike anything he had ever seen. 2 horns sprouted from its black head. The face was as bleak as white linen on a summer day. It seems she likes make-up because she had already 2 black lines running from her cheeks towards her eyes, eventually fading into the darkness of her head. She had the same membranes as her father and no limbs besides it.

He wasn’t even in the living room before he heard his front door being was under siege. He put the weird creature down and opened the front door. Immediately he was assaulted by Hollow, a very energetic child. He was wearing a green cloak today and it finally seemed he was starting to grow bigger than a hand. His horns has also branched into the inside. Immediately after Hollow jumped on his he could hear Pale complain about his unprofessional work attitude. Although he was bigger than most it seems he wouldn’t grow much anymore. His tiny stature didn’t discourage him from being bossy. Finally White entered. By far the biggest of the bunch, she was also the most introverted. Her roots slid elegantly over towards him and even managed to stop Pale from talking for a moment.

He took them inside the living room only to find that somehow the larva and the winged creature had somehow gotten into a fight and now both were in hiding in opposite sides of the room. Normally he wouldn’t make such a big deal out of this if somehow his couch wasn’t full of tiny needles and a chair was on fire. He rushed to the tap to fill a bowl of water to extinguish the little fire. With the attention being diverted Hollow managed to slip from the watch of Pale and could now be found in the corner Radiance was hiding. The larva figured out quickly he liked to play games and had soon enough set up a plan to make him betray Pale.

In the meantime White had climbed the couch and started pulling out the needles while Shade lord had figured out what the membrane between the appendages from the weird creature were for. Namely, for flight. And now she was attacking his horns and he couldn’t reach her. As if her flying was not good enough alone, whenever he raised his arms she would back off and launch a little fireball  All this commotion woke up baby Unn who slowly started to slither away from her crib to find food.

The shade lord finally had enough of the little fire hazard and rushed towards the pantry to get a kettle. Once he had found it he peeked around the corner only to find that fire hazard eating his popcorn! All caution was thrown aside and he grabbed her by the guts and put her inside the kettle. She tried to heat it but he added some water to it. While it evaporated quickly it was apparently enough to bring over the message. Now he could focus his attention back on the larva again, only she could’ve produced those needles, which White was making great progress with removing them as a quick glance told him.

Now back to Pale and Radiance who were apparently having a fight (Darkness, that larva really has a talent to provoke others). They were arguing near the coffee table, because apparently they wanted a fight so bad they just ran to each other and met in the middle. Hollow was climbing one of the legs of the table, but wasn’t noticed by the shade lord because he was too occupied with the other 2. He tried to separate the arguing pair but they were at each other’s throats. They even had summoned a needle and a tiny dagger to fight each other. The shade lord obviously didn’t count on this tiny factor and had soon enough one in each hand. He screamed, trying not to curse, barely not failing miserably, and Pale managed to escape. In any other situation this wouldn’t pose a problem, but Hollow, after eating some popcorn, found himself at the right edge of the coffee table and pulled out his tiny wooden sword he got from Pale. The larva, Darkness curse her, used this to her advantage and made the sign to Hollow to betray Pale. The act of betraying Pale involved jumping off of the coffee table and hitting Pale as hard on the head as possible. Naturally, all of this went according to plan and even brought some extra spectacle. After Hollow had hit Pale on the head he wasn’t prepared for the recoil of the wood and ended up hitting himself in the face.

All of this lead to 3 crying children (1 of them from laughing, the others from pain) and 1 very angry young adult. He put the larva on the couch and took care of the others while White held a close eye on the damned 10 legged thing. After Pale and Hollow weren’t crying anymore he took the little fire hazard out of the kettle and continued his movie, which was getting to an end.

After the film ended a documentary started and had all the kids hooked. He went to check on Unn only to find an empty crib. He could however see a slimy trail lead up his wall and onto the ceiling. It went through the door into the pantry where he kept his food and toys for the toddlers. He looked up on the ceiling only to find a sleepy Unn with a letter block in her mouth. Suddenly Unn started to make a very weird noise and fell from the ceiling onto his face. He swiped her off of his face onto his shoulder and then washed it.

He returned back to the tv to watch the documentary that was still playing and plopped down on the couch. Not long after he was asleep with White on his left shoulder, Unn on his right shoulder, the little fire hazard on the same arm and Pale curled up in his lap. Radiance and hollow were still awake but occupied with the documentary instead of causing trouble. After the documentary ended they crawled up against his sides and fell asleep.

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By @constantlost 

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By @bugbeee

Exhaustion seeped into Shadelord’s body, limbs weighed down by a heaviness they hadn’t experienced in a while. The smatter of godlings that lay around them on the couch, or on them in Radi’s case, was enough to convince them that they had died and that this was the Eternal Void that was created to punish them for cheating on that test in the 8th grade. In their defence, it had been on rock sedimentation.

Wyrm continued his grumbling from the corner of the couch, still infuriated by the attack on his person only moments before. Root, the aggressor, looked remarkably pleased with herself. Shade knew they should probably punish her further in some way but... well, to be perfectly honest, they simply were not paid enough to do so.

They really should have charged more. Fifteen dollars at least per tiny demon they had to look after rather than the whole bunch. Fifteen dollars was not enough to encourage discipline. It was enough for them to make sure none of the godlings killed the other. And they had thought they had come up with an ingenious plan to secure some peace and quiet.

After much wrangling, they had finally managed to set up two separate playpens, each far enough away that the godlings wouldn’t start screaming if one of them saw their rival. Wyrm and Root in one pen, Grimm, Radi and Unn in another. It was a gamble, but one that thankfully seemed to have paid off. Radi was still exhausted from the tussle she had just had with Wyrm, and Grimm seemed content to chew off the heads of the plastic Garbies they had found. Unn continued to watch, and occasionally helped Grimm execute a Garbie in a spectacular manner. It was both reassuring, and beyond disturbing. Root and Wyrm meanwhile were cheerfully ignoring each other as they both played with their own toys.

It should have been foolproof.

Unfortunately for Shade however, they were dealing with infants instead of fools.

For some damned reason, Root had decided that now was the perfect time to act up, instead of being the sweet little darling she had been so far. Her target, much to their dismay, had been Wyrm. In all fairness, the godling had probably deserved it in some way; most likely he had tried to worm too close in order to steal some of the grubpaste and mushroom sticks Shade had left out as a snack. Root had seen this theft as a cardinal sin, and had subsequently decided that Wyrm deserved nothing less than absolute annihilation.

The momentary doze Shade had managed to fall into was abruptly interrupted by loud shrieking and wailing, resulting in them vaulting over the couch to hurriedly find out which one of the godlings was being tortured.

The scene that greeted them was... well, it wasn’t any less ridiculous than some of the other stuff the little goblins had pulled before.

Using her flexible tendrils, Root had seen fit to wrap them around Wyrm, and aggressively dunk him into the bowl of grubpaste he had attempted to steal from. His shrieks and hisses had woken up Radi and drawn the attention of the other children, who were now cheering on Root’s attack on Wyrm’s person.

“Enough,” Shade declared, shooting a glare behind them, “Root, let him go.” Root looked up innocently.

No, she seemed to say with her eyes, justice must prevail.

“Justice won’t get me my fifteen dollars,” they hissed out in return, and they could have sworn that Root shrugged, turning away from them to dunk Wyrm into the bowl yet again.

“No!” they cried out, quickly whipping down to grab the poor child before he could be further humiliated. After finally being saved from his vicious tormentor, Wyrm decided it was time to go into hysterics, lashing out with a sharp tail to fully show his displeasure. Root simply watched impassively as the rest of the children cheered.

Shade wondered if fifteen dollars was even worth it at this point.

“Alright, alright, enough! Root, you go in time out. We do not waterboard our fellow godlings in grubpaste. Wyrm, calm down, it’s just grubpaste- Settle down!” they yelped out, flinching as something heavy settled onto their head. The soft fluff revealed that Radi had decided to fly out of her pen and taunt Wyrm in person. Shade wanted to sob with frustration.

The door cracked open, and Ghost peered in, head tilted curiously.

Need help? they signed, and Shade wanted to collapse in relief.

“Please,” they begged, and their sibling nodded grimly, even as amusement danced in their eyes. Shucking off their school backpack, they quickly headed over to the other pen and signed to them, bobbing their head up and down in a soothing motion. Grimm and Unn were entranced. Radi less so. She remained seated on their head, but at least seemed to have finally stopped provoking Wyrm.

“I’m just going to clean him up,” Shade explained uselessly, watching as Ghost simply nodded and waved them off. 

With a tired gait, Shade wandered into the kitchen and turned on the tap, listening as Wyrm’s panicked yelps grew louder at the realisation of what was going to happen next. Radi snickered softly, before leaping off and gliding back into the living room.

Bath time, according to the godlings, was a fate worse than death, and something to be avoided at all cost.

Unfortunately for both Wyrm and Shade, it was a necessary evil. Wyrm disagreed. Loudly. And with claws.

He howled furiously as Shade slowly lowered him into the warm water, softly scrubbing at the now-dried grubpaste sticking to his skin. Despite his attempts, Wyrm failed to prevent them from continuing his bath. He turned to pathetic pleading instead, making soft mewling sounds as though he was nothing more than a poor innocent child who had done nothing wrong, ever.

Shade, who remembered the little bastard knocking a glass ornament onto their head, was not convinced. Ultimately there was no escape, and Wyrm reluctantly gave in to the soft scrubbing, though he made sure his rumbling complaints were known.

“Yes, yes,” Shade said quietly, “I truly am the worst. Close your eyes so I can rinse you.”

Wyrm, in a dumb act of defiance, did not close his eyes. The hysterics started again, and Shade contemplated drowning themself in the half-filled sink. Fifteen dollars, they repeated. Fifteen dollars.

Grabbing a tea towel, they quickly dried the godling off, carefully teasing out water droplets from soft scales. He child gnawed on their fingers in revenge. “I’m done,” they announced, wandering back into the living room with a now clean, and furious, Wyrm.

Ghost looked up from their position on the floor, back leaning against the couch as they played with Grimm. Radi immediately perked up at the sound of Shade’s voice, and quickly flew over, making herself at home on top of their head. Unn seemed to have decided to undertake the momentous task of scaling up the back of the couch, leaving a thick trail of slime behind. Root, still stuck in her pen as punishment, let out a wail, demanding to be let out.

Shade was all out of energy to fight back or deal with a tantrum.

“Alright, alright, out you go,” they muttered, depositing Wyrm on the couch before reaching down to lift out the petulant child from her terrible prison. She clung to them desperately until they finally collapsed on the sofa. She quickly wriggled out of their hold and instead plonked down beside them. Wyrm had hissed at the sight of her, and slunk to the other side of the couch to sulk.

Grimm let out a raspy cackle at the sight, before diving down to nip at Ghost’s fingers.

Unn finally made her way to the top of the couch and waved her eyestalks victoriously. All Shade could do was give her a tired pat.

They sank into the couch, the exhaustion creeping back in. It should have been foolproof.

Fifteen dollars.

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By @arandoskeleartist​

#telephoneknight #hollowknight #hollow knight #BabysitterSL #shade lord #pale king #radiance #nightmare king grimm #unn #white lady

[kirbyspits]

A lot of Makorra shippers only moved on because they’re afraid of being called homophobic for not shipping korrasami. I LITERALLY saw someone on Instagram yesterday call a makorra shipper homophobic just for saying korrasami came out of nowhere. Also, Korrasami shippers LOVE to bring up the "popping bottles" backlash to make fun of makorra shippers. I left the tlok fandom in 2014 bc it was so toxic as a teenager, but now i’m 23. I’m no longer afraid of shipping something i always loved.

Ah, yes, I realized I didn’t address the fandom's toxicity in the last ask, but I’ve spoken about it before. I don't talk too much about the past because I was at the edge of the fandom back in 2014/2015. I was aware of fights, but the discussions I saw were moreso on bi-erasure. I saw one post saying it was wrong to ship Makorra. I remember being really confused about why Makorra was actually problematic, but I didn’t appreciate being told who I can ship the only dark-skinned woman protagonist on a major television network with. Why are you forcing me to ignore Mako and Korra’s relationship? Book 1 is practically about Mako and Korra, all other characters be damned. Me preferring the story of one pairing and a popular romance trope, second chances, is not wrong, and no one would know how I view the LGBT+ community based on who I ship in one show.

I ended up leaving the community because I was disappointed with season 4 in general. When Korra was released on Netflix, I figured it was time to rewatch the series again (plus, I’ve been binging all my favorite romance anime). So imagine my shock when I created a new Tumblr and Twitter account to rant and rave about TLOK, and I saw nothing but hate and name-calling in the Makorra tags. I saw people casually throwing around the word “homophobic,” and one person said people who don’t like Korrasami are just misogynistic. 

I just wanted pretty pictures, and people are out here psychoanalyzing shippers! So, I dug through some blogs and to feel more grounded with this fandom I didn’t recognize. After reading through their commentaries and experiences, I actually became more upset at Bryke than the teenagers/children who comment on Makorra posts saying how much better Korrasami is or accuse Makorra shippers of being homophobic. 

Yes, I truly believe these comments are mostly coming from people in their late teens and younger, at least in 2020. I can’t speak on 2014/2015, but since we were younger, the early 20s/late teens, I wonder if our age group was also the loudest. Don’t get me wrong, adults can be horrible people and can get really nasty. However, every time I look up the rudest commenters' profiles, they were teens. When one Korrasami shipper wrote “screw Makorra” on my AMV, I figured I’d have some fun trolling them until I clicked on their profile and saw a child. Needless to say, I ignored them and reflected on how parents are allowing their babies on TikTok while my parents freaked out at the idea of showing my picture on FB growing up. 

*I’m not still mad about that*

Also, while it doesn’t give anyone an excuse to make such a strong accusation, part of me, as a straight person, feels like I can’t get too upset because I also become very aware of my privilege. The space I’m in is a majority of young LGBT+ fans (at least on Twitter where I’ve seen the most toxicity). Some people see TLOK as their safe space and imply why should there be Makorra shippers when they have all these other cis/het shows they can engage with. It doesn’t work like that, of course. TLOK doesn’t only feature Bi characters. They’re POC/Indigenous, women, and Korra has dark skin. That’s a lot of marginalized communities. Makorra/TLOK is my comfort show, not because she’s with a man, but because of the reasons I just listed. Also shipping Korra with Mako doesn’t mean she’s no longer bi. She’d still be attracted to women.

Here’s who I am upset with tho, Bryke. Mostly Bryan. While Makorra shippers called out Korrasami shippers for cyberbullying, the focus seemed to be on Bryan for making it seem like there was something wrong with them for not finding Korrasami’s narrative satisfying. It was especially sad to read bloggers who identified as being part of the LGTB+ community saying Bryan’s hetero-lens dismissed their experience and then having to defend/proving themselves to anonymous messengers. 

Fans saw it as a betrayal. They saw it as the go-head for the rude Korrasami shippers to harass Makorra artists because they “didn’t watch the show correctly.” When the creator, the person you admire, also puts the blame on you, that kind of pain is on another level.

Korrasami shippers played a huge role in kicking Makorra shippers out of the fandom, but we can’t underestimate how much Bryan’s statement is a slap in the face. He used his characters and social justice as a shield for reasonable criticism. Just because we say a story is bad and Asami is grossly underwritten doesn’t mean that we’re against the idea of Korra and Asami being a couple. 

Of course, I’ve seen some very problematic statements from Makorra shippers. After all, homophobia is real. However, aside from the actual bigots, people have no issue with Korrasami. They just wanted a stronger connection between the girls. Many people seem to think Makorra shippers were looking for more romance, but we know we couldn't expect that. We can expect more screentime, musical cues, and more emotional support, which most people can see as platonic, but be romantic if you really want to. Mako’s interactions in book 4 can be seen as platonic, but all of us Makorra shippers saw it to be romantic.

Popping bottles! I completely missed that joke in 2014 and I discovered it this year. I agree it’s pretty annoying, but I become a troll and say I’m popping bottles for my Makorra moments. I don’t get any engagement, but I don’t seem to lose followers for it. Maybe popping bottles represents “straight-baiting?” I don’t get it why it’s so funny after all this time, but we’re Makorra shippers. We’re the joke 🙄

Anyways, to wrap up, lately, there seems to be a bit of a shift on Twitter. When I first created an account. I stayed in my little corner live-tweeting about TLOK and Makorra. I had to stop looking at the Makorra tag because it was so negative. Now, I’m seeing people admit they’re cute, and then saying they’re platonic soulmates. I’ll take it, although, as one commenter said, “that’s boring!” 

Someone led a Makorra Week back in October, and it was really nice! I have feeling people speaking up on the name-calling and reminding people that we’re talking about 2D characters helped. We just want to be left alone and enjoy the scenes we have in the show, art, and fanfiction. 

Keep shipping who you want! Don’t let any stranger shame you for your shipping preferences, especially in fiction! I’m so happy you feel more comfortable shipping these two dorks! You’re not alone! I’ve been a Makorra shipper since 2012, and while I find Korrasami cute (I love Korra, and I love Asami), Makorra is my OTP. I really like them, and I think they were meant for each other.

#kirbyspits answers #come back makorra stans #anti bryke #makorra #tlok fandom

[panharmonium]

Merlin and Naruto

I did Merlin here, so here’s Naruto! :D

[disclaimer for everyone: I have only watched up through Season 10 of Shippuden (the arc with the Five Kage Summit), and I am trying to avoid spoilers for everything after that point, so please don’t interact with this (including tags, because tumblr shows them to me automatically) unless you are avoiding ALL spoilers.  For me, this includes discussion about whether you like/dislike future seasons, comparisons of various seasons in terms of quality, etc.  Thanks, everyone! <3]

My favorite parent-child relationship: I know they’re not blood-related, but Iruka and Naruto have me crying every time I see them together.  Naruto straight-up says that when he’s with Iruka he feels like he knows what it’s like to have a father, and honestly, Iruka loves Naruto so much at this point that he would insta-adopt him if Naruto asked.  I love how Naruto always cites Iruka as the first person who cared for him even later in the show when Iruka hasn’t had as much screentime, and when I saw Iruka cry because he’s so proud of Naruto at the end of the Pain arc, it was just...too much for my little heart to handle.

My favorite sibling relationship: You know, thinking about it, almost all of the people in Naruto are only children, as far as we know!  But in terms of just that sibling vibe - Sakura and Naruto definitely give me that feel.  I know he has a crush on her, but their relationship has always felt more sibling-like to me, and I especially love how deep their bond has become by the time we get to Shippuden.  They are just so comfortable with each other now - the depth of the love and friendship they feel for each other is palpable.  

My favorite family relationship (other): I adore Naruto’s relationship with Jiraiya.  That scene where Naruto falls asleep against his back almost killed me, and Jiraiya’s later line, “Your smile is my salvation” - that was too much.  It absolutely destroyed me.  The way Jiraiya kind of gave up on everything after his old life went to hell - neverending wars, Orochimaru gone, his original students dead, his student’s students dead, Minato dead - he just ran away after that, and it was meeting Naruto that kind of rekindled that spark of hope in him and helped him reconnect with his community and rediscover a sense of purpose in his life.  Naruto enabled him to finally come home, and I think that’s beautiful.

My favorite friendship between two people: There are so many friendships in Naruto that I love (one of the greatest things about this show for me has been how little focus is given to romantic relationships, at least so far; it’s very much a friendship-oriented show), but right now I’m in a bit of a Kakashi-Yamato hole.  I was super primed to not like Yamato when he first showed up, because him being there meant that my favorite character WASN’T there, and also he ended up replacing Kakashi on the one mission where the team finally found Sasuke, but the guy won me over in the end.  He is one of my favorite characters now - my heart just swells every time I see him - and I think his relationship with Kakashi is super interesting.  I’ve written before about how Kakashi’s only truly intimate friendships are with people who are dead, and I do think that applies when it comes to Yamato, too, even though the two of them are obviously very companionable and close.  There is still a level to that relationship where Kakashi is a bit of a mentor figure, the “superior officer,” which results in a degree of (still friendly and affectionate) distance.  And as with all of his other relationships, Kakashi doesn’t really confide in Yamato about his life or open up to him in the same way that he does when he talks to his dead friends - but at the same time, there is an element to their relationship that doesn’t exist in Kakashi’s other friendships, and it’s the fact that Kakashi trusts Yamato with his kids, implicitly and without reservation.  Kakashi’s entire life right now is very much enmeshed in what happens to his students, and even if he doesn’t necessarily talk about that with Yamato, Yamato is still deeply involved in that work.  Yamato VOLUNTEERED for that work.  And he continues to dedicate himself to it even when his first mission as Kakashi’s stand-in ends up going completely off the rails and turning into WAY more than he signed up for.  He keeps doing his utmost for Kakashi’s kids without it even being his original responsibility, and that is such an unusual thing, for Kakashi, who in every other circumstance is always the one stepping in to help other people, the one who always shoulders his burdens alone.  Nobody ever asks Kakashi if he needs help with these incredibly high-needs children, and neither does Yamato - but the difference is that Yamato jumps in to help regardless, and he stays no matter how complicated things get.  That’s huge, and it’s only going to become more important.  It’s just - it is difficult for Kakashi to have intimate friendships with people who don’t share his history, and this rules out almost everybody else in the world, because all the people who truly share his own history are dead.  But the degree to which Yamato has altruistically and irreversibly entwined himself into the most important parts of Kakashi’s new history - the chapters being written right now, the ones that are going to define the rest of Kakashi’s life - means that Yamato is well on his way to breaking through that wall and becoming the first exception to a universal rule. [There is a lot to be said on Kakashi’s side of this, too, like - every time Kakashi refuses to call Yamato by his code name I lose my mind just a little bit, and I have MANY thoughts about Kakashi basically dragging folks who’ve been victimized or exploited or experimented on out of ANBU and then absorbing them into his own team, where they become a part of a family-type unit that respects them and cares about them and treats them like human beings.  I mean, there’s a huge difference between the Yamato we meet in S2 vs. the Yamato we know in S10 (and the same thing goes for Sai!) - and that’s something I think about a lot.]

My favorite friendship between a group:  I love all of the team dynamics, but Team Gai is a fave XD  The absurd contrast between oh-so-serious Neji vs. Gai/Lee’s incredible goofiness (with Tenten’s exasperation in between) is comedy gold.  I screamed with laughter in S1 when Gai was trying to get Neji to put his hand in the circle and do their “shout a slogan like a sports team” thing - I’ve never seen anything funnier on this show than jonin!Neji trying to put up with Gai’s antics.  

My favorite mentorship: My favorite mentorship is always Kakashi and whichever kid happens be onscreen with him at that moment, but I’ll be honest and say that Kakashi+Sasuke was the first dynamic that got me actually invested in this show (as opposed to me just watching it because it was on and not really caring what happened to any of the characters).  They are still the mentorship dynamic about which I have the most complex feelings, and that is especially true after the last season we watched.  I will probably end up making a separate post about this, because I still have not written down all of my thoughts about the end of Season 10 and I am still trapped in my feelings about this very lost child and the only adult who ever tried to help him the way he deserved to be helped, and I know I have way more to say about them than I can reasonably fit in this bullet point.  But - the short version is that I am super compelled by the way that every tragedy that’s befallen Kakashi is precisely what shapes him into the only adult who can help this particular kid, the way seemingly senseless events ended up putting Kakashi in a position where he’s the only adult who can intervene on this kid’s behalf many, many years later.  The way Sasuke’s plight (and the potential that Kakashi has to help him) suddenly grants meaning to the worst parts of Kakashi’s life - that knocks me on my butt.  

My favorite rivalry: So I probably would not have said this until the episode where Kakashi comes three seconds away from being made Hokage, but I’m gonna say Gai & Kakashi, solely to express my love and appreciation for Gai in that episode.  This is the ep where Gai challenges Kakashi to a race through the entire village (as a sort of “last hurrah before we can’t do this kind of silly shit anymore” thing) and Kakashi is initially kind of reluctant to do it, because he’s stressed out about a lot of things, but he does end up agreeing to it, and then he has SO much fun, and I LOVED this so much; I can’t even tell you.  This moment takes place immediately after Kakashi returns from that horrible, awful confrontation with Sasuke, and everything preceding this scene was very hard for me to see, because everybody is just asking Kakashi to do more and more and more for them without giving him even a hot minute to be like “i almost just killed my own kid.  i almost just had to kill my own kid, who was trying to kill my other kid, who was trying to kill kid #1 first, so i wouldn’t have assume the burden of killing him myself.”  Nobody checks on him, nobody asks, and Kakashi has to just hold onto that horror and also fret over the uncertain yet chilling secrets that Madara Uchiha disclosed and also prepare to shoulder the crushing weight of an office he never asked for - AND THEN.  GAI SHOWS UP.  And even though Gai doesn’t really know what happened, he still checks Kakashi over from top to bottom to make sure he’s in one piece, and then he drags him into this stupid competition, and it makes Kakashi LAUGH.  They go running all out across the craterized scene of devastation that used to be their home, and they have FUN doing it, and Kakashi straight-up tells Gai, “This was just what I needed,” which - god.  It would be great if Kakashi had somebody he could actually talk to, sure, but there’s also a space in our lives for people who just cheer us up, no questions asked.  It’s like when you tell someone you have a problem and they ask, “Do you want to talk about it or do you want to be distracted?”  Sometimes you don’t need to talk about it.  Sometimes you just need people who will take you for a goofy footrace and make you feel like you’re running too fast for any of your troubles to ever touch you again, for a few minutes. 

My favorite hatred/antipathy: The answer to this question used to be Kakashi and Itachi, and while I’m even MORE fascinated by their dynamic now than ever, it’s taken on a whole new dimension, given that I think Itachi is (secretly) thrilled to see someone like Kakashi so committed to taking him down and keeping Sasuke safe.  So, in place of that, I’ll just say that I love how much all of the Akatsuki cannot stand each other XD  Almost none of them get along, and it makes me laugh every time - I can’t believe they ever get anything done, though I guess that’s to be expected when you get that many super-criminals together in a room.  I especially love how they all think Orochimaru is so stupid...cannot get over them laughing at him and his body-snatching immortality schemes.

My favorite potential relationship between characters who never talk in canon: Okay, these are both silly answers, but - I would have KILLED to see Jiraiya interacting with Minato’s team.  Like, I’m certain they spent time together, but honestly, what I wouldn’t give to have witnessed some of it.  All I could think about during that mini-arc where Jiraiya teaches Naruto how to sync up with Gamariki was how little!Kakashi would have taken one look at the dancing frogs and decided he would be using dog!summons for the rest of his life; meanwhile Obito would have already been in the frog’s mouth begging to be launched into the air like a cannonball.  Also - my sister said the other night how it is a CRIME that we never got to see Sasuke forced to interact with Jiraiya and honestly, that is too true.

#naruto #pan watches naruto #long post #meta #(sort of)

[kylermalloy]

my Thoughts on rebels

Now I don’t have any hot takes or any controversial opinions to put out here. Rebels is a simple show with a simple plot. There’s not a whole lot to analyze, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to enjoy. Sometimes all you need is a straightforward concept with lovable characters. So let me proceed to squeal about Dave Filoni’s second masterpiece, Rebels.

Spoilers abound!

Before I say anything else...

THEY HAD A BABY I haven’t stopped squealing.

Zeb Okay I’ll start with Zeb, for no particular reason. He was the only main character I hadn’t really heard about or seen much of before I started watching. In the first few scenes with him, I was afraid he’d become his stereotype—the thuggish gorilla who argues all the time, disobeys orders, messes up plans, and borderline betrays his friends. I was so pleasantly surprised when none of that happened. Maybe by virtue of being a kids’ show, these characters don’t have *edgy* or twisted nuances. Zeb is fiercely loyal. He likes smashing heads in and gets grumbly sometimes, but he’s never a hindrance. He’s not just “the muscle”; his ingenuity saves the day on more than one occasion. If anything, his nuances take him the other way—he’s incredibly sensitive and childlike in some ways. Being one of the last of his kind is a major plot point of several episodes, which brings so much depth to him and his psyche. It also informs SO MUCH on his relationship with Kallus. Speaking of...

Kallus I never, ever expected Kallus to be anything more than a season-long plot device. The fact that he stuck around and went through actual character development?? Amazing. The episode where he and Zeb are stranded together is gold. He’s got a sense of honor even as he works for the Empire, sparing the rebels as Zeb spared him. He develops a new set of ideals thanks to our heroes, and he begins to question and regret the things he’s done for the Empire—ethnic cleansing of Zeb’s Lasat people included. And that last scene of them in the epilogue? I’m not gonna lie, it was a bit shippy.

KANERA I know while the show was airing, fans were constantly asking when Kanan and Hera were going to get together. But for me, they seemed to be married from the first episode. Hera calling Kanan “love” and teasing him? Kanan constantly worrying after Hera while simultaneously believing in her ability to do...absolutely everything? Their parenting of Ezra, Sabine, Chopper, and even Zeb? Explicitly referring to them as “the kids” and themselves as “Mom and Dad”? Yeah, they’re married. And let’s not underplay their strengths as individual characters. Kanan—or Caleb—is exactly what you would expect of a Jedi whose training is only halfway complete. He’s cool and awesome, but also riddled with self-doubt and uncertainty. And Hera is the mature voice of reason this merry band of children so desperately needs—except of course when she’s the one rushing headlong into danger, whether to get a fighter prototype or to steal a family heirloom or to save a couple pilots in a suicidally risky move. She’s a perfect blend of mature reason and headstrong determination that makes a true rebel. (Wait a minute...she’s totally Katara! Maybe that’s why I love her so much.)

Now back to them as a couple! Most of the show did nothing to advance their relationship—further reinforcing my headcanon that things were always happening between them behind the scenes. Even though they became official canon in the last season, the appearance of their kid in the epilogue proves I was right—based only on what we saw, there was no time for them to make a baby. Of COURSE there were things going on behind the scenes. 😏 (I found the interview that explains exactly where Jacen came from, and I was equal parts ecstatic and freaked out.)

Did I mention THEY HAD A BABY???

Ezra So apparently there are people in the Star Wars fandom who hate Ezra? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised; Star Wars fans hate everything. Except the OT. If you hate the OT you’re a heathen. I can’t really think of a solid reason why people hate Ezra, except for the fact that he seems to be a Luke Skywalker analog. He’s a poor kid with Force sensitivities who gets adopted by a Jedi and becomes a venerated leader of the Rebellion. He also finds an oddball group of friends he comes to call family but eventually bids them farewell after the death of his mentor. They’re not carbon copies, of course—Luke’s an optimistic idealist; Ezra’s a cynic. Luke whines; Ezra snarks. Luke blows up the Death Star and defeats Vader; Ezra completes a series of far more complicated missions and defeats Inquisitors and Thrawn. Again by virtue of him being the star of a tv show instead of just three feature length movies, he gets a lot more time to have his adventures. Maybe there’s some resentment over him getting more screentime than Luke? Maybe it’s because I’m just Not a Luke Skywalker stan. I like him fine, but I don’t hold him up as some perfect saintlike hero. (I didn’t have any problems with his TLJ characterization.) The people who do need to rewatch the OT they hold so dear. Luke’s a beautiful drama queen and you all should love him for that. But I’m here to talk about Ezra! Listen, this child is a disaster and a half—just like Luke, just like Anakin, just like young Obi-Wan. There is nothing to not like about him—except that he reminds you of your favorite characters but he’s not them.

Clone Wars characters I initially started watching this show solely for the characters I already knew from Clone Wars. Ahsoka Tano has been my girl ever since I started watching Clone Wars, and I didn’t even consider watching Rebels until I knew they had undone her death. (If there was just ONE character they could needlessly save via time travel, they picked the right one.) At any rate, she’s perfect in this show. She’s more grown-up, more mature, but still retains that *young and plucky* spirit. (For the record, I usually hate the *plucky* characters. Somehow, she works for me. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t really do that annoying cocky smirk thing.)

But it’s not just Ahsoka. Rex survived! I’m so glad at least one clone (two? Wolffe?) made it out of the war okay. And he’s great here. His constant snarking with Kanan reminded me so much of his banter with Anakin (and I’m sure it reminded him of that too ;-; ) His presence on Rebels isn’t strictly necessary, narratively speaking, but it’s just a nice tie-in to the world we got used to in Clone Wars. It reminds us that this world with the Empire was once the world of the Republic, and there are still clones out there—even if there’s no place for them in this new order. This of course reinforces the tragic narrative of clones as sentient beings created for nothing but combat. And again, I commend both shows for making me feel that narrative so deeply!

Hondo and Maul were two of my favorite antagonists from Clone Wars, so seeing their multiple appearances here filled me with joy. Hondo cracked me up, as usual, and Maul’s farewell was touching and heartbreaking. I almost wish he were still around! There’s still his duel with Ahsoka in season 7 of Clone Wars... 👀 Honestly what surprised me most about those two were the way they were both presented as protagonists. Hondo especially, and Maul does become an antagonist again. But it really speaks to the way all paradigms in the galaxy have shifted after the Republic became the Empire. In Clone Wars, Hondo was portrayed as an annoying hindrance to our heroes. Now with the Empire as an adversary to our main characters, Hondo is an ally. An untrustworthy one of course, mostly in it for the money, but his interests usually lie with helping our heroes, not hurting them. Besides, nothing tops his relationship with Ezra. Their first meeting had me in fits: “You lied to me?? I KNEW I liked you!” (Also I forgot to mention the running gag of Ezra introducing himself as Jabba the Hutt? Genius. And hilarious, since some people actually believe him at first)

THEY HAD A BABY!!!

Thrawn I need to see this guy again. Whether in a continuation where we learn what happened to him and Ezra, or some other moment in time where we see him younger, rising through the ranks of the Empire full of ambition and ideas. He’s quietly menacing, always confident and meticulous. He does a great job of making the rebels feel helpless in their fight, needling their pressure points and taunting them—but he never makes the conflict personal to him. He always remains detached, just a guy doing his duty. He’s just there to pick up interesting art pieces. I love the way he’s acted—always quiet, cultured, practically whispering. I didn’t know he was voiced by Lars Mikkelson until after I watched, but that was a perfect choice. I found the Inquisitors a little flat as villains (antagonists, whatever) and the other Empire ministers and governors not very threatening. Thrawn was the perfect balance (lol) between interesting and a genuine threat.

MANDALORE For all of Sabine’s merits as a character, I love her most in the Mandalorian arcs. The episode where she comes into her power and wields the darksaber is one of my favorites. She’s not a traditional stern, stoic Mandalorian character. She’s a free spirit, incredibly creative and intellectual. Yet she’s also afraid of her mind and what she could create—for years she created weapons for the Empire to feed her hubris. Maybe that’s why she mainly sticks to painting throughout the series. :) Anyway. I look forward to the follow-up detailing her adventures with Ahsoka.

Chopper I rolled my eyes so hard when I first saw Chopper. Everything from his name to his design screamed “kiddie version of R2D2” and I was fully prepared to hate him. I don’t. He’s just like R2, in that every sentence he says sounds like it’s punctuated with about ten different swearwords. It’s hilarious seeing such a cute character being so surly and even threatening on occasions! Chopper kicks some serious butt. He even comes with a tragic backstory!

Lastly, I don’t think I’ve mentioned...

THEY HAD A BABY AND HE’S ADORABLE

#star wars #rebels #mymeta #ish #kylerrambles #zeb orrelios #kallus #kanera #kanan jarrus #hera syndulla #ezra bridger #jacen syndulla #ahsoka tano #rex #hondo ohnaka #darth maul #grand admiral thrawn #sabine wren #chopper

[shima-draws]

Okay listen I really really enjoyed The Wonderland/Birthday Wonderland a LOT but there’s definitely like. Huge chunks of stuff that are missing from the plot that I would have loved to see;; SPOILERS AHEAD BEWARE

First of all let me say that this movie definitely would have worked better as a TV series. Why? Because the world itself is MASSIVE. There’s so much worldbuilding shit going on that they only got to touch a little bit of each section, and left so many things open ended. And then there’s the fact of the plot itself that leaves a lot of holes behind and unanswered questions.

Rest is under the cut so ya’ll can avoid spoilers if you so desire:

What the fuck happened with the sweater contest? They make it out to be such an enormous, important part of the plot that literally ends the moment Akane hands the sweater over. We see her protectively guarding it the entire journey to the city, and yet it’s never even touched upon if the sweater wins the contest or not. What happened bruh?? I want to know if it won, a lot of unnecessary screentime went into the development and story of that sweater! Don’t leave me hanging!

“Our world is dying”, Hippocrates says, as the majority of the land is still thriving pretty okay from the looks of it. Aight. There’s lots of gorgeous visuals in this film that are made clear through the gift of water that they’re living--and apparently there isn’t even enough water to go around for humans to drink. At that point literally everything else would be dried up, right? There is literally a giant pond--GIANT! With koi fish right outside the city. They just gotta learn to distribute their water better;; it’s a shitty system tbh lmao I mean there’s plenty to go around. They just don’t bother to try spreading it evenly, which is why some places are flourishing while others are not. They really should have spent more time showing how people are suffering from this rather than showing the remaining gorgeous parts of the land--that would have made the impact of saving that world that much stronger, made the stakes so much higher. If Akane had seen how bad it really got without water, maybe that would have driven her character development earlier on, and made it more significant.

Akane’s change. It felt...really...anti-climatic. Or maybe just rushed. It was a sudden, minor sort of thing that when I realized I was like “Oh, okay, she’s already come to the conclusion that she can be strong on her own, but I wanted to see that?” They didn’t execute it super well. It feels like we’re missing an entire scene where Akane finally breaks through her fear to gain courage and make her own choices. There was definitely a bit of that right before she made her grand speech to Zangu, but there was nothing that prompted it. The whole movie is a coming of age story for her, building up until the moment where she has her great breakthrough and is able to be confident with herself. But...they don’t show that. We don’t get to see that moment. I don’t know why, because it’s the most important thing of the entire film? They really could have handled that better.

I really wish they touched more on Midori’s involvement;; she was so minor I almost didn’t catch the connection between her and the previous Goddess of the Green Wind. I like that Akane feels closer to her because of this, but we never really get anymore information than that. How did Midori end up in Wonderland so many years ago? Was she a reluctant hero type like Akane, or was she determined to save the world? Did she meet Hippocrates way back then, or was it a different alchemist that lead her on an adventure? Was something wrong with the prince at the time which required her presence in order to make sure the drop rain ceremony went well, just like Akane? I don’t know! I want to know!

The ending was SO abrupt and short. Literally right after Akane and Chii get back that’s it bam roll credits movie over! I’m like. Whiplashed by it. I wanted to see how they were affected by the journey (besides Chii immediately going to take a nap which fandjksad MOOD), and how they’ve changed from their adventures. We obviously see a huge change in Akane at the end, but how does this affect her life in her own world? Does she start treating her friends differently? Does she ever make up with the girl she abandoned in order to be in the popular group (which is another huge thing they never came back to). Is she more determined to do things now, to be confident? Is this a change her mother notices? At least show the impact of what they went through;;

Halfway through the movie we’re introduced to a London-type city that’s really...not so fun looking. Dark, gloomy, and depressing, with obvious signs of poverty, where everyone looks angry all the time. It’s a very very clear outlier in the colorful Wonderland. I’d love to have seen more history on this city...why is it so different from the rest of the world, and so dark? Why do all the people seem so unfriendly, when those outside of its walls are generous and kind? How did this city come to be? It’s such an enormous mystery that they never talk about, besides hinting that this was where the prince had ended up once before he became Zangu.

Speaking of the lovely prince. I know we got kicked in the face with his backstory (and that shit hurted, this poor baby who also kinda deserved it but not to THAT degree), but I would have liked to see even more. Maybe I’m biased because he became my favorite character the instant his identity was revealed, idk. (And, to me, he feels way more fleshed out and rounded as a character regarding his development than Akane does, which is another reason why I like him best.) But while we were given his motivations in becoming Zangu, the personality difference between Zangu and his regular princely self is IMMENSE. I really don’t think the prince would have ever committed such acts--he may be a little shit and have a lot of anger issues (which, valid, I mean his parents died and he suddenly has all these huge expectations on his shoulders and he’s. He’s just a kid man, that HAS to be traumatic) but I really don’t think he would ever strike against his own people or openly threaten them. Sure, he’s definitely shown to be prone to angry outbursts, and is fond of pushing everyone who cares about him away, but he’s not purposefully malicious. And as soon as Akane transforms him back, he calms down immediately and becomes immensely selfless and heroic. So: why the enormous change of heart? I think something that could be canon that they never really mentioned is that, when he was transformed into Zangu, he became sort of a puppet. A lifeless doll without any real empathy, and the only emotions he could feel were a burning anger and a desire for revenge to those that wronged him and made him feel pressured to perform the drop rain ceremony. Being trapped inside a body like that probably just made those feelings escalate, resulting in all of the crimes he committed and all of the people he hurt. (And maybe they did touch on this but I just don’t remember since my memory is garbage lol)

Going off of that, I know this is the type of story where we follow the hero characters, and as soon as Chii and Akane made it home that was it, we weren’t allowed another peek into the Wonderland. But...what if we were granted that opportunity? Could we have gotten the chance to see how things changed after they left? Perhaps the prince began a journey traveling to all of the towns and villages he terrorized, and apologizing to the people. Maybe Ron starts to train under Hippocrates just like Pipo. Maybe the rain washed away all of the sorrow in that lonely city, which caused people to start to change it and make it brighter. Change, change, change! I want to see proof of Akane’s help! 

Why the fuck did the other alchemist/sorcerer (I forget his name and there’s no info on him anywhere MDAKMASD I’ll update this when I find out later) do that to the prince?? That was SERIOUSLY fucked up. “Oh yeah, to punish this child for being naughty and angry after his parents died, which is actually perfectly reasonable, let’s turn him into a doll where he can’t MOVE OR SPEAK and let him sit there in absolute torture until I feel like setting him free again, instead of trying to find an alternative way to confront him about his anger issues”. Dude;; No wonder he was so fucking angry and bitter when Ron finally allowed him to speak again. I would be too! Trapping children in naughty doll prison is not the answer!

I’m trying to think of more but I think I covered most of it :’) If ya’ll have anything to add, please do!

Like, overall, the movie was GREAT. It would have been even better if they didn’t shove so much information into it that ended up becoming irrelevant later on. It felt as if they were trying to cram a TV series into a movie, trying to cover all of their bases but failing. There’s just so many things they left open-ended and unanswered;; and you know me, I’m a slut for lore like this so I want to know EVERYTHING. And I only got little bits and pieces of it. I really would kike to know if they just cut out large portions of the movie to fit the time limit and the budget;; because that would make a lot of sense, because it feels as if I was handed a puzzle without all the puzzle pieces.

#Basically Shima goes off about everything she wanted to know about this movie #The Wonderland #Birthday Wonderland #Long post #バースデー・ワンダーランド #Shima speaks #Spoilers

[pellicano-sanguino]

Today I went to see a play that’s based on the Little Vampire books by Angela Sommer-Bodenburg. I know, it’s embarrassing for an adult to go see a play for children, but I have a strong nostalgic connection to these books. They introduced me to the concept of vampires and got me hooked on the genre. So, here are some random thoughts about the play.

I should probably say a word or two about the books first. The first book came out during the 80s and after re-reading it a while ago, I must admit some parts of it haven’t aged that well (also, I’m no longer the intended target audience). I will give Sommer-Bodenburg credit for not watering down her vampires into child friendly versions. There are a lot of childrens’ vampire fiction where they clearly just wanted the aesthetics of vampires, not the actual brutal reality of vampirism like blood drinking and, you know, the whole being undead thing. Angela Sommer-Bodenburg doesn’t pussyfoot around the creepier aspects of vampire culture. Her vampires drink blood (except Anna, who hasn’t grown her fangs yet), and they talk about their deaths quite frankly and openly, including that they were turned by their own family members. 

The basic premise is a small boy named Anton befriending some vampire children and them trying to hang out with each other while keeping it secret from each other’s families. The play is based on the first book of the series and I think it’s a pretty decent and quite faithful adaptation. They’ve changed some things, but not much and the plot follows the book accurately.

Not gonna lie, the actor playing Anton was really wooden and fake, like a cardboard cutout. That’s the problem of having grown adults play small children. I know theater is all about suspending your disbelief (like in Takarazuka, believing that the clearly female otokoyaku are in fact male on the stage), but somehow I just have trouble buying Anton’s performance. Doesn’t help that he speaks in a very formal version of Finnish that no child speaks in real life. He tries so hard to make his voice and body language appear childlike, but it’s just not working. 

Rydiger on the other hand is fantastic. He’s quite different than the Rydiger from the books, but I don’t mind. In the books, Rydiger was my least favourite of the vampire children but here he is the best one of them and the best actor in the whole play. Instead of being a bratty, insufferable gremlin, he has elegant mannerisms, pleasant voice and he’s the most reasonable and caring of the vampire siblings. It’s not book accurate, but I approve. I especially like how this Rydiger talks and uses his body language. Unlike Anton, who shouldn’t be speaking in formal Finnish, Rydiger was raised over a hundred years ago and so was taught different kinds of speech and manners. He really comes off like a creature from another time. I love his little hand gestures, and his costume is so stylish and much more nice looking than the ragged gremlin-Rydiger from the books. Despite his adult-like mannerisms, Rydiger still acts like a child, much more accurately than Anton.

I fail to see what this cooler version of Rydiger sees in the boring, wooden block that is Anton. I totally see what Anton sees in Rydiger, who wouldn’t want a stylish little vampire friend. In the books I criticized Anton’s reasons for keeping up his friendship with Rydiger. In the books, Rydiger was a rude little shit, constantly making fun of Anton, stealing his books and being generally a real jerk. I thought, that if Rydiger wasn’t a vampire, Anton would never put up with such a lousy friend. Anton only tolerated Rydiger’s bullshit because he was a vampire and having a vampire friend was cool. Kids, don’t keep up friendships with people just because you like what they are, the more important thing is who they are. Anyway, in the play I can more easily buy their friendship (yes, Rydiger gets his moments of being a jerkface, but not nearly as badly as in the books). The scene where Rydiger teaches Anton how to fly was very adorable. And because the child characters were being played by grown adults, also kinda...  romantic?

“I’m flying, Jack! I’m flying!”

Anton’s parents were your token Normal People (TM) of the show. Both in the play and in the book they make fun of Anton’s interest in vampires, especially his mother (I swear, Angela Sommer-Bodenburg must have had some mother issues). It’s very sad to see parents mock the interests of their child. I know the feeling, it’s one of the reasons I always place the books I read down cover first so that no one can read the cover and call me stupid for liking a book like that. I’m so conditioned to do this, I do it even when I’m all alone at home. Do not mock your childrens’ interests, people, it will have long lasting effects. 

For whatever reason they changed Geiermeier the vampire hunter’s name to...  I don’t quite remember, Kalmankulma or something similar. Anton’s surname was changed to a Finnish name too, and they’ve updated the story to modern times, since they talk about euros instead of marks. But Anton’s family still has a corded phone, and Anna could call them from a phone booth. It’s weird they updated some parts but also kept some things that have become obsolete tech since the 80s. 

Man, did they fuck up Anna. I hated the look they gave her. What is up with that white, poofy hair, she looks like an old granny, not a five or six year old little girl. And why is her dress so short, we do not need to see her legs all the way up. Ugh, and how they failed with her character. Everything good that I said about Rydiger they must have cut off from book-Anna. In the book, Anna is the kindest, smartest and most humane of all the vampire children. The boys are selfish assholes who treat Anton like a fun toy, but Anna actually genuinely cares about the feelings of their human friend. She is also a strong independent young lady who has a fiery temper and will not tolerate any sass from her mean spirited brothers. Her only downside is that she’s a victim of a really annoying childrens’ book trope, namely that whenever there’s another female character around she becomes jealous of Anton and is unnecessarily rude to the other girls. I get it, kids can be bratty and jealous, but can we please stop teaching little girls the stupid lie that all girls are each others’ enemies and must fight for the attention of boys. For fuck’s sake, let girls be friends with each other, thinking they can only be friends with boys is ridiculous and misogynistic!

Well, Anna of the play is not smart, caring or strong (unless you count annoying, noisy hissy fits as strength, I guess). She has turned into a brainless diva, who simultaneously is smitten by Anton and also doesn’t care what he has to say about anything. Why would you do this to my favourite character!? In the books there were some really heartfelt scenes between Anna and Anton. Like, when Anna proposes the idea that when she gets her fangs she could bite Anton and turn him so that they could be friends forever, and Anton makes it very clear that he has no intention of ever becoming a vampire. This saddens Anna, because it means that Anton will grow to be an adult but Anna and her siblings will forever remain children, with no one to play with. These two must come to an understanding that while they like each other very much, they belong in two different worlds and they must accept that it means they will one day have to say goodbye. All things come to an end, it’s only a matter of when and how. So, why wasn’t a meaningful scene like that in the play?

Finally, we have Lumpi (whose name was changed to Leo in the play). I think he was fine, maybe suffering from a tiny bit of overacting, but still an ok performance. He doesn’t get much screentime, because in the first book we don’t get to see him much. Which is a shame because he is my favourite right after Anna. 

If you thought Claudia from Interview with the Vampire was the most tragic of all child vampires, then clearly, you have not met Lumpi von Schlotterstein. He was turned right in the middle of going through puberty. And so, he is doomed for all eternity to suffer from acne, breaking voice and mood swings. Truly, a lamentable fate is his.

Adding Lumpi to the vampire children friending Anton added a lot of dramatic tension to the group. Because of his mood swings, Lumpi was unpredictable and sometimes even downright threatening. Out of all the vampire kids, he had the least control over his vampire instincts and there were several moments where he considered drinking Anton. So scenes with him could be really intense. Also, he was supposed to be the vain kid with style, being especially proud of his long, sharp fingernails that he cared and filed constantly. They took his style and gave it to Rydiger, they took his vanity and gave it to Anna. Well, he still had a nice, red shirt that went well together with his white scarf and black cape.

Rydiger’s grandmother Sabine also makes an appearance. Strange that they added Sabine and not aunt Dorothee, who was the most dangerous, most blood thirsty of all the von Schlotterstein vampires. In the books Dorothee is the one the kids need to look out for whenever Anton’s visiting their home in the graveyard. There’s a scene where Anton has to hide in Rydiger’s coffin because of her and in the play they do the scene with Sabine. Well, maybe they thought any old vampire lady will do. Also they clearly wanted her to be more comedic relief character, not a threatening, blood drinking monster. Just like Dorothee in the book, Sabine commands Rydiger to go back to sleep and he has to cram himself into his coffin with Anton still there. Once Sabine’s gone, the boys get out and sigh in relief, and Lumpi comments “Well, did you take advantage of the opportunity, brother?” Look, I know he means blood drinking, but these kids being played by adults I can’t help but think about gay vampires sharing a coffin. Doesn’t help that Rydiger replies with a disgusted “Of course not! I’m not like you!” Which enrages Lumpi, because “W-w-what are you implying!?” I’m sorry, my mind is in the gutter, but I can’t help it. Carmilla and Anne Rice have made me see lesbian and gay vampires everywhere.

Well, for a small budget childrens’ play, it was a fun show. Wished they hadn’t changed some of the characters so drastically, but overall it was pretty book accurate, which was a relief (I was worried they were going to make a story of their own and just use the characters’ names, like that awful movie version). A nice nostalgic visit back to the first vampire books I ever read.

#vampire #theater #little vampire #angela sommer-bodenburg

[purfectmlpblog]

...alright fuq it lemme explain my thoughts about the finale spoilers lol

Don’t worry, I WILL be posting this under a read-more so PLEASE turn away and ignore this now (especially with some “spoiler” tags on if you use ‘em) if you don’t want to be spoiled for the finale until it officially airs. I just can’t contain my thoughts no more after ponderin’ them and who knows when it’ll officially air in English (’cause slow schedules can be a pain to deal with lol) sooooo... yeah you’ve been warned xp 

...Ooooh boi, well admittedly I kinda skimmed through what the whole plot was about behind the last three episodes (I was moreso focused on all the stuff happening for “The Last Problem” so lol), but I’ll try to keep it brief for the most part:

-So... that whole thing about Grogar being the last “big bad” was just a total lie... since apparently it was just Discord masking himself as the guy just to give Twilight one last battle to face? ...Ehhh, I get that he apparently had “good intentions” but this just seems to be pushing it too far even for Discord’s standards tbh... like these are his friends now (including Fluttershy, his best friend) so why would he allow this much risk to be thrown at them for the sake of just teaching them a valuable lesson about overcoming obstacles? ._. Then again, this IS Discord we’re talking about so him pulling some shady stuff like this is to be expected, I guess? Idk...

-As another twist to the trio of bad guys... NONE of them get redeemed at the end (not even Cozy Glow... who again, is nothing more than a whiny child compared to Chrysalis and Tirek :P), as they all pretty much get blasted with the same stone spell that Discord was under for what I can presume to be forever. I mean... had Sombra been placed in Cozy Glow’s position then I guess I’d be a bit more satisfied with this kind of ending for them instead of feeling questionable about it (’cause again, Cozy’s young age ^^;)... but at the same time, for what it is it’s at least a refreshing change of pace from just having them all instantly forgiven and befriended by all the main heroes. Now that would’ve been cringey... >_<

-We got a reaaally big group of cameos from many past ponies/other creatures from the show to aid in the final battle, including Sunset and a few of the MLP movie characters like Tempest, Capper and Skystar! o.o A shame that Captain Celaeno couldn’t have been added along with them but still, pretty cool to see that particular trio regardless along with my girl Sunset ❤️ about time the main show acknowledged her importance to Twilight -.-

-Moving onto the big finale itself, “The Last Problem”, we cut ahead to I presume to be a couple decades or so since the last episode... where Twilight and her friends are all grown up and leading their own lives as Twilight’s pupil (Luster Dawn, was it?) comes to prepare herself for her own first friendship lesson. Surprisingly, unlike past finales it’s not so much a really heavy or action-packed episode but more of a “relaxing breather” kinda filler... yet still pushes the feels the more we get to see the aged-up cast and realize how this truly is the end for our heroes :(

-We’re also given a nice flashback to Twilight’s coronation as Equestria’s new leader, though it didn’t go according to plan it still provided some heartwarming feels to teach that friendships will always remain solid even if some end up moving far away. Awww ;w;.

-As for the “Grown up” designs themselves... I’m kinda torn, tbh lol

On one hand, I do like Rainbow’s, Fluttershy’s, and AJ’s older looks just fine. AJ’s especially gives me the feels looking at it ‘cause of the shawl... really hits in that poor Granny Smith is no longer around by this time :( at least she’ll always keep her memory strong in her heart ❤️

As for Twilight, Rarity, Spike and Pinkie... ehhhh ^^;. Rarity’s sparkly shawl is rather pretty though that big grey steak in her hair kinda clashes too much with the regular purple imo, Pinkie’s beehive look could’ve been fine if they just took out all that random junk in her hair, and while part of me kinda likes the “ethereal princess-y” vibes of Twilight (despite the rather dark implications that she’s gonna outlive her friends now ;-;)... the fact that she still sounds like her old dorky self when speaking kinda kills the effect for me... plus idk if only a couple decades in the future would be enough to make her this tall as an alicorn, I mean even Luna (who’s older than her) is alot shorter so it’s just a little off-putting to me to see her so “Celestia”-sized ^^;. And as for Spike... yeah, I don’t even know what’s going on there, so... let’s just move on, please lol.

So then we get to look over how everyone else in Ponyville’s doing, with so many new species living there now, some old kiddos grew up like the CMC and the Cake twins, Starlight and her friends (plus the Student 6) continuing to run the friendship school together, and apparently some canon couples started to thrive during this time too including Lyra and Bon Bon, Big Mac and Sugar Belle, and... Pinkie and Cheese? o.o 

...Um, wow lol Wasn’t really expecting that considering that most of Cheese and Pinkie’s previous screentime together (which was only in like, two episodes?) wasn’t really that romantic from what I can recall, but guess the writers decided to just throw it in anyway ‘cause it’s a popular ship? lol I mean, not like it’s a bad one or anything but it still feels a bit randomly-placed in a narrative sense imo ^^;

Speaking of their daughter (Lil Cheese, I think?), while I do think she’s cute, part of me is kinda disappointed that they didn’t really get more creative with her design like they’ve done for Flurry Heart and the Cake twins :c. Color-wise she looks okay but... why just make her a recolor of her mom’s filly design? .-. Even putting her hair in some pigtails or something would’ve worked better imo.

-Some more design nitpicks I had were certain weirdly placed hairstyles like Pumpkin Cake’s and Diamond Tiara’s, as well as why Gummy the alligator just looks like he resized into a giant than legitimately grew into an adult lol. Also this might also be nitpicky but why exactly is everyone (minus Twilight) so old-looking with grayed hair and/or eye bags (ex. Rarity and Sugar Belle), when a couple of them have school-aged children at this point? .-. Hell, even most of the Mane 6′s parents didn’t look this old (including Twilight’s, and they’ve got a granddaughter lol), so I’m kinda confused by this type of design choice tbh.

-I don’t really remember if they explicitly stated what happened to the old princesses during this time since they didn’t show up again, nor what the final fates of Shining Armor and Cadence were (save for a brief shot of Flurry Heart having her own stain-glass window in the throne room). Idk, just would’ve been nice to have gotten more explicit about that ‘cause I don’t wanna think of these poor royals being gone now with just Twilight being the leader now ;-; 

-I guess there was also a couple “implied” ships thrown in too like Fluttershy and Discord (though that one might be more “loose” to interpret, depending on how much you like the ship) and apparently AJ and Rainbow Dash seem to be having something “deeper” going on considering they specifically walked in together when all the other Mane 6 walked in individually into the throne room. Hmmm...?

-And lastly after a bit more filler and than a montage song of the Mane 6 harmonizing together one last time, we get to close off the entire episode, season, and series with one final shot of the heroes standing on a sunset-y hillside together, saying goodbye to Twilight’s student who goes off on her own friendship adventures... and then the screen fades to a book closing as a call back to the very first episode of the series over 9 years ago... where the exact same book opened up to start off our beloved show to begin with T-T

....aaaand yeah my feels exploded over again, sorry T-T. Despite the lil nitpicks I had here and there (and how I wish certain plot holes could’ve been handled better in hindsight), this was still a really sweet and thoughtful way to end MLP: FiM with one last batch of fluff like this... the end of a good 9-year run of the show which’ll surely leave a special place in every fan’s hearts, including mine ❤️

Though again, like I mentioned before I still won’t be considering any of this actually “canon” in the main universe I’m setting up, which is all basically an AU at this point since I haven’t really been keeping up with the show as frequently to care much for sticking with the main canon :p. For my fellow content creators, please don’t be afraid to keep working on your own next gens and such btw, even if some of it might be contradicted in this particular finale I’d say anyone is free to make their own interpretations however they want, canon or no canon~ ;p

  Hope y’all understand that well and I hope you guys have a great rest of your day! 😃 

#mlp spoilers #purfy chat #long post #mlp season 9 spoilers #mlp finale spoilers #spoilers

[gellavonhamster]

thoughts on ASOUE Season 3

from someone who remembers the last four books (except for TGG) quite badly - I think I have to mention this at once. Overall I really enjoyed it, but to me, it was a season of bringing everything to the max - an expression which here means "some parts being absolutely perfect but some parts also being completely ruined". More detailed review under the cut.

Things I loved:

Acting. The main kids have developed into really good actors; their performances were outstanding. It is difficult for me to determine how much of Sunny is CGI and how much is actually Presley Smith, but she was as adorable as ever (I LOVED how sweet and pleased her face was when she suggested pushing Olaf overboard). Malina Weissman and Louis Hynes delivered a lot of emotional scenes and showed the inner conflicts faced by the Baudelaires perfectly (also, remember how we speculated about why the Baudelaire siblings never really cry on the show? Well, there was a lot of crying this season and I cried with them, too). The rest of the cast was also splendid. Kitana Turnbull is still nailing it as Carmelita, Lucy Punch is still an amazing Esme, Tony Hale is still a great Jerome. Neil Patrick Harris's performance this season included a number of heartfelt scenes I wouldn't even think the show version of Olaf capable of. Usman Ally's performance, together with additional character development, was more than I could ever wish for Fernald, one of my favourite characters. Really, everyone did great.

I agree with the review that said that in this season, children are finally not overshadowed by adults. The adult characters (Kit, Fernald, Lemony, Dewey) still get more to do than they did in the books, but they do not take up as much screentime as Jacques and Olivia or the Quagmire parents. It is truly the kids (the Baudelaires + Quigley + Fiona) who are in the focus. As it should be.

When I say that something in a book/film/show made me cry, it is often an exaggeration, but I literally wept when Sunny was persuading Violet to leave her in captivity as a spy. Especially when Sunny tied up her hair the way Violet does, and also when she showed that she learned to be brave from Violet. It is my favourite moment of the season.

Quigley. I can't say the Quagmires are my faves, but it's still a pity that the show made Duncan and Isadora (to my mind) pretty bland. Quigley feels like a much more fleshed-out, interesting character than both his siblings combined - brave, resourceful, but also a bit reckless. And he's the only Quagmire who has the right hairstyle (well, at least he looks very much like the Quagmire triplets in the illustrations for the translation I've read).

Fernald and Sunny shared the cutest moments of the season. Yet still - I thought that when Fernald threw the cage off the mountain, he knew it was empty, but even if he did not, it wouldn't be completely out of character for him to sacrifice something he cares about to win Olaf's respect. Loved the Cinderella parallel and how Fernald is a messed-up version of Sunny's fairy godmother. Also when he found out she was poisoned and took her in his arms T_T

The interaction between Fernald and Fiona was exactly what I hoped for, they're ride or die for each other since the very moment they're reunited

Jerome/Charles and Babs/Mrs Bass! I'm choosing to believe both Jerome and Babs survived the fire (I mean, Justice Strauss managed to escape, and she was on the freaking rooftop!) and reunited with their respective love interests. Here for the implication that Charles is now running the lumbermill on his own after Sir fled - maybe it will finally become a better place of employment.

I dreamed of Bea II and Lemony sharing root bear floats and I cannot believe I actually got to have this

Kit and Lemony having some scenes together!

The first shots of the Hotel Denouement... very pretty, very aesthetic 

I liked how it is shown that the Denouement brothers still care about one another despite their ideological differences (the way Frank and Ernest are both clearly grieving during the trial!). Another thing I liked was how at first they made it seem like Kit is dating the wicked brother. If I haven't read the books, that would've been a big "holy shit" moment.

The Man with a Beard but No Hair and the Woman with Hair but No Beard were properly menacing, and making their beard and hair essentially the same but upside down was brilliant. 

Some of the theories they chose to make true on the show are the ones that I believe to be true as well (e.g. Lemony being the taxi driver in TPP, The Man with a Beard and the Woman with Hair being Olaf's chaperones/guardians, Olaf and Esme having murdered Carmelita's parents).

Lemony carrying around photos of his siblings :(

When Violet closed Olaf's eyes, I cried again.

Things I hated:

I propose we all agree that Ish is lying about being the founder of VFD because he hasn't seen new faces in ages and finally there are some new castaways whom he can bullshit about being more important than he actually was and stroking his ego. It became clear a long time ago that the show doesn't give a damn about the canon timeline, but VFD being that recent does not make sense even in the Netflix-verse. What about so many VFD buildings, the underground repurposed as secret tunnels, the whole city being shaped like the VFD sign? It couldn't have happened that fast. What about Kit saying she hadn't learned to hang glide until she was seven? Does not sound like a regular thing to teach a child. Also it means that All the Wrong Questions cannot be adapted for the screen because then the Netflix-verse would contradict itself. The VFD was introduced as such a huge, omnipresent organization, and in the end it boiled down to, like, a group of too ambitious students letting their teacher fill their heads with nonsense The Secret History-style? Ridiculous.

The only things I liked about the opera flashback was how dashing everyone looked (I think this was Esme's best look in all three seasons) and how happy and careless and relaxed they were while Beatrice was singing. In all other respects it was a trainwreck. I am not upset that on the show it didn't happen when the characters were kids because I do not have a strong opinion on what age everyone was then, and because learning that your friends and your girlfriend killed your parents sounds like a traumatizing experience no matter the age. But that's the thing - on the show, it didn't go down like this. The horror of what happened was downplayed by reducing the number of victims to Olaf's father only, by not mentioning Kit's involvement at all and turning a premeditated murder into manslaughter. And where's Bertrand? Olaf blames both Baudelaires but we are shown that he saw Beatrice and Lemony with the darts. It isn't even implied that Bertrand made the darts himself for this purpose specifically because Esme has the same weapon. And how does it all tie with the masked ball scene in s2? Kit writes Lemony a note saying that "Olaf knows" - of course he does, he fucking saw them! Why did Esme have the sugar bowl with the antidote with her at the opera - was she just casually drinking tea with this rare and precious substance to overdose and gain superpowers? What about the sugar cubes left behind - was there also some regular sugar in the bowl to, idk, make it seem less suspicious? An absolute mess, in my opinion.

To continue the previous point: Bertrand seems like an absolutely unimportant figure, his role minimized to a minute or so on the island, and he deserves better :(

This is small in importance but I really disliked that Kit said that Violet ties up her hair just like her mother while in the books it was her father, no matter whether Kit meant Bertrand or Lemony =/

Also, like. Taking "or she!" from Fiona and giving it to Violet. Didn't like that. Neither did I like Fiona calling Phil Cookie.

IIRC they also gave "It's Herman Melville" to Kit instead of Klaus? Why

Larry was a recurring character who had a lot to do in s1 and 2, yet his death (and a horrible one, he was literally boiled alive) was presented in a quite an offhand way. I'm not saying he should've necessarily stayed alive - in fact, his death fits in very well with the motif of all decent adults eventually getting killed - but, in my view, it should've been given more weight.

As I've already mentioned, I don't remember The End that well, but everything about Ish and drugging the islanders seemed significantly less scary than in the books somehow

The shot of Duncan and Isadora was clearly copy-pasted from TVV... listen, if you're giving them a 100% happy ending, at least do not half-ass it

Things I have mixed feelings about:

I loved the Kitlaf stuff; probably showing that they were together in the opera flashback makes it less of a revelation than in the books, but I thought all their shared moments very moving. I also found it an interesting choice to make each of them recite bits from both poems, thus pointing out that Olaf once was not a stranger to love and romantic poetry and that Kit might share his ideas about "man hands on misery to man". However, I think it's a pity that Netflix eliminated all hints at Olaf possibly being Bea's father. Even if he was not, the possibility of it being true in the light of the Baudelaires still raising Bea with love and care is, to my mind, very important. 

Jacquelyn being R... well, we saw that coming. Her mother's death being so recent is another "fuck you" to the canon timeline, but at least it explains why in the previous two seasons nobody called her the duchess - officially, she wasn't one yet. I don't perceive the show as an extension of book canon - to me, it is just one interpretation among many - so this reveal hasn't changed the fact that I imagine R being different from Jacquelyn. On the one hand, I am happy that one of my favourite characters made it into the adaptation (yes, one of my favourite characters is a sum total of comments made by other characters and a possibly fake letter, what of it), but I would've preferred if her portrayal included more of what we know about her from the books, such as her being close to both Lemony and Beatrice.

By the time s3 aired, I had already reconciled myself to the fact that the show version of Kit will be extremely toned down, so this disappointment was expected and therefore not that strong. I think there were some moments in which she actually was more of her book version (recruiting kids to fulfil dangerous tasks like it's nothing special, telling Lemony he should return to VFD), but of course this definitely noble, action-hero, composed Kit who looks forward to becoming a mother and leading a quiet life with Dewie on some island (wait, did they mean the Island?) is significantly less interesting than morally grey and depressed Kit who took part in many dubious or outright sinister plans (such as the Anwhistle Aquatics fire and the murder of Olaf's parents, in which both she was not even involved on the show) and did not seem to care about her baby that much. It is truly ironic that Mr Poe repeatedly accidentally calls her Jacquelyn because show!Kit feels very much like a Jacquelyn 2.0.

My first impression of Fiona was "oh no, they really gave her all the flaws her stepfather had in the books". I ended up liking her because she worked on her behavior and most of the times she was rude it felt like she's just trying too hard to convince everyone, herself included, that she's got this while constantly being unsure and confused on the inside. But her weird rivalry with Violet still rubbed me the wrong way. I'm glad they resolved their issues in the end.

The sugar bowl containing the antidote is an okay choice (timeline inconsistencies aside), but 1) I would've preferred it to stay a mystery, like in the books; 2) I still like the "this bitch empty" theory more.

There was more of VFD being not entirely noble in this season (e.g. the Medusoid Mycelium) but of course it is still a very watered-down version of what this organization was like. 

Listen, I'd be lying if I said I hated the happy ending for the Quagmires and the Widdershins. Heck, my favourite post-The End headcanon is that they all (and Hector!) survived the Great Unknown and stuck together as one big family of choice. But what was the point of showing us the Bombinating Beast Great Unknown and, most importantly, having someone mention that it is a metaphor for death if it is not used as such? It is a metaphor, it does not necessarily mean that they literally died, it could just as well mean that the Baudelaires simply never learned what happened to all these people. A wasted opportunity.

I assume the Baudelaires never got separated from Bea in the adaptation (since she does not immediately ask Lemony about them but proceeds, on the contrary, to tell him what happened to them) and the reason she searched for Lemony was simply wishing to get to know her uncle. It's not bad, it fits well in the more optimistic narrative of the show, but the original story is still more interesting.

That's probably all - at least all that comes to my mind at the moment.

On the whole, I think Season 3 and the show in general were rather a good adaptation than a bad one. Most importantly, I think it succeeds in performing what I consider the main function of an adaptation - making the audience interested in the source material. I am sure more people will read ASOUE (and ATWQ, and other Snicketverse books) after watching the show. I am also sure those who will read after watching the show first have a big storm coming.

#asoue spoilers #asoue #a series of unfortunate events #snicketverse #asoue season 3 #talk talk talk #gella talks snicketverse

[bigskydreaming]

So. RUNAWAYS.

One of the core fundamental missteps of the show, IMO, is that it put so much screentime and story direction and effort into fleshing out the parents more, making them more nuanced, 3-Dimensional characters and building on their motivations to make them more sympathetic, show that they didn’t want to do all these things but felt boxed into them.

I mean...okay, yeah, they’re more interesting now than they were in the comics thanks to them being more fully realized characters, and if we have to see them without any of the actual Runaways present in order to progress the plot, at least now they’re more compelling to watch on their own than their scenes in the comics, but like....the show didn’t stop there, and rather it tended to treat them as though they were an equivalent presence and supposed to be as much a focus for audiences as the teens themselves, and...no thanks?

Because while the show might have succeeded in making them more nuanced, it didn’t succeed in making them more sympathetic, and I think it believes it did. But the problem is, no matter what you do with the parents and their storyline, and the end of the day, the core premise of the show is still six teenagers who find out everything they know is a lie, and without preparation, without experience or training or vast resources to draw upon, they stand up to it and say no, this is wrong. No matter that they’re hopelessly outmatched and they and the audiences know that, no matter that it meant going up against their own loved ones in order to do what they believed was right.

And next to that...no amount of justification or backstory for the parents changes the fact that what little resources, strategy and experience the Runaways had available to them when they decided to fight back, the parents had one hundred times that, and sixteen years to do something about this Faustian bargain they’d made and apparently all hated so much.

And they didn’t. 

So, no sympathy from me for these people with vast resources and business empires and shrewd Machiavellian minds and brilliant scientific genius and literally the most tools a person can possibly accumulate at their disposal, not to mention SIXTEEN YEARS to come up with the motivation and a plan of action to do something about how much they hated what they were doing....and not a single one of them could accomplish what their teenage kids took all of a month to decide to do and implement.

Nah.

By arranging the story flow the way they did, the writers started out with ‘the bad stuff’ and then consciously made the parents’ actions and choices significantly less villainous as the show progressed while simultaneously adding more and more moments of vulnerability, insecurity and their own fears. But that’s plot manipulation and might disguise but can’t erase the fact that these people still voluntarily sacrificed more than fifteen innocent teenage children for the sake of the man they all claimed to be terrified of....even though WITHOUT these sacrifices, that boogeyman we’re supposed to buy as having bullied them all into this, would have remained a bedridden shrivelled up husk like he spent the first half of the season. Like...super convenient of the show to forget when they’re all running around terrified Jonah might hurt their kids in the second half of the season that um...if they’d all just decided HEY WHAT IF WE DON’T MURDER THIS LAST KID HERE....Jonah would have stayed like he was or even died AND THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING FREE.

Let’s not forget that for the first half of the season, it was their fear and mistrust of EACH OTHER that kept them all in check. Hard to feel bad for Tina when for multiple episodes it was Tina that was the bogeyman by choosing to be Jonah’s enforcer when he wasn’t around himself....even though like, he wasn’t around himself and so if she’d just chosen not to enforce, there’d be nothing to fear. And hard to claim Tina didn’t have options because there wasn’t much she could do on her own and nobody trusted her...when the reason nobody trusted her was because they thought she’d murdered two of them and all along she could have just said umm guys, no, actually that was Leslie. And so on and so on.

And similarly, let’s not forget that while fear of Jonah might be claimed as their primary motivation in the second half of the season, it came with simultaneously downplaying the MASSIVE REWARDS they got for doing his bidding. Their Brentwood manshions, the scientific advancements he made possible for the Steins and the Yorkes, fucking church based on him that gave Leslie all her power and influence, Tina’s staff, etc, etc.

Like, just because the last several episodes were all oh we did all this terrible stuff because he made us and we’re afraid of him and we had no choooooooice doesn’t change the fact that they had sixteen years to think of an alternative, regular intervals apparently where they had opportunities to betray him while he was bedridden, and vast resources to draw on.....but they were also doing pretty okay outside of all that, which miiiiiight have been a factor in their ‘hmm what if I just did nothing instead’ decisions.

Juxtaposed with their teenage kids who grew up surrounded by luxury and took all of a couple weeks to decide screw all that, screw our parents who we thought were these decent loving people and still might be some of that but also did these terrible things as well and need to pay for that, and like....decided to pit themselves against both their parents AND their parents’ boogeyman with nothing but the things they’d known about for 2.5 seconds and could barely switch on when making their stand.

So....they’re really not remotely the same, show, and while there’s something to be said about narrative parallels and comparing and contrasting the two groups to show that the kids’ path was better, next season you should pull WAY BACK on the parents’ plot throttle and occasionally remember that They Are Also Bad People Who Have Done Bad Things and not actually Just The Same As Their Kids, Feel Bad For Them Plz.

#runaways #runaways spoilers

[groundramon]

Its only been 15ish minutes but I’m still thinking about this post and I really like how instead of being offended about the outrageous displays of sexism in the exact field im going into, instead of being mad that a show I really enjoy was canceled prematurely/at a spoiler (? so I’ve heard, like I’ve said I’m only on season 3 so...), I’m just like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN TERRA WOULD’VE GOTTEN MORE SCREENTIME IN SEASON 6″

That says a lot about where my priorities lie.  Like sexism in the children’s television industry and division in the toy industry are two things I’d love to work against once I get into the industry (I mean im not planning to change the world lmfao but I can try) considering both fields are close to my heart and I’ll probably be working with them extensively once I get a job (not sure how involved I’ll be in merchandising but I’d like to have at least some hand in it), and I hate enforcing gender roles on kids (do you know how fucked up I’d be if my parents didn’t let me play with “masculine” toys like dragons, Pokemon figures, ect-), but Terra is more important.

My obsession aside, I do wonder how much that’s changed in recent years.

Teen Titans aired from 2003 to 2006, and honestly I think sexism had the biggest grip on children’s television in that time period than any other time period.  Sure other older shows would just...not show females in equal roles to their male counterparts, but in the early 2000s, either you did that too or you made a big deal about your female character being given equal treatment to her male counterpart.  Oh boy, look at Rika from Digimon Tamers, it’s so WEIRD that she’s a GIRL and she’s SO GOOD AT TAMING AND THE CARD GAME, wOWEE.  I give Digimon Tamers a lot of slack for that because it was extremely realistic about its sexism lmao (Henry never said anything about Rika being a girl, Jerry and Rika were both treated as equals in the overarching narrative, ect) but my point still stands.  Teen Titans is really good about how it treats its female characters, but I can still see the fingerprints of this era all over it, from its character designs (DRAW RAVEN WITH A THICKER WAIST YOU COWARDS) to its choreography (if Starfire gets wrapped up by one more tentacle I s2g-)  They also both have male-dominated casts but like...what show doesn’t?  Steven Universe, and then shows specifically targeted towards females?  And like, I’m not gonna sit here and yell at shows from the early 2000s because these were the better shows out there, they tried their best.  I can find a more sexist show airing nowadays easily, and like whatever, plenty of shows have done just as bad if not worse and I’m just using those as examples because I’ll stan those shows til i die.  I’m just sayin, it’s not surprising given the time period.  (I also have no idea how ATLA survived and thrived in the late 2000s, seriously what the fuck, how did Nickelodeon do something right in those years)

Fastforward to nowadays though, and while male-dominated casts are still the...well everything except Steven Universe and female-oriented shows, there are so many shows that really don’t seem to appeal to a particular gender.  If you made me pick, I’d say shows like Steven Universe, Adventure Time, and We Bare Bears are probably aimed at 7-10 year old boys.  But honestly?  They’re relatively ageless and genderless shows; SU and AT are both adventure-comedies, and We Bare Bears is about as gender-neutral as a Tom and Jerry cartoon.  And I already mentioned that SU is like the only cartoon I can think of that doesn’t have a male-dominated main cast and isn’t targeted exclusively at girls.

One thing that the 2010s have brought that I really appreciate is ageless, genderless shows that aren’t just there to sell toys.  Sure you can find merchandise for AT and SU (I cant find any WBB merchandise though :( i wouldnt mind an ice bear plushie but its fine...im fine...) but it was never their primary goal.

Green Lantern was canceled in 2013, and while that doesn’t seem that long ago, that was actually four years ago (jesus christ why am I so old).  Young Justice was canceled the same year, but it was announced last year that it’d be returning for a new season.  Legend of Korra was canceled in 2012, meaning it could’ve easily been part of the same sexism in the industry that killed Green Lantern and Young Justice.  I did hear something about there being concern from Nickelodeon executives about Korra being a girl, but the writing team was allowed to proceed when a test screening showed that boys didnt care about her gender (surprise surprise! kids arent sexist assholes until you teach them to be. who knew? oh yeah I FUCKING DID) so...

Yes shows like Adventure Time and Steven Universe were out or coming out around this time, but the industry hadn’t made the shift in mindset yet.  Adventure Time was a hit at the time, but like Avatar: The Last Airbender, it was an outlier, a show that was picked up for so many seasons and just too big to kill when its contract was up.  But with shows like Steven Universe, Clarence, We Bare Bears, ect...the cartoon industry has become a lot more gender-neutral in my eyes.

The group that networks are most concerned with appealing to now is 90s kids.  The hip thing to do is play with nostalgia and reuse old properties, for whatever gender people you want.  That’s why Teen Titans Go is still playing when it appeals to people of all genders, despite Teen Titans doing the same thing (in an arguably better show) a decade ago.

But one thing I dont understand is 90s cartoons.  90s cartoons - the original CN cartoons, the original Nicktoons, the original Disney cartoons - none of them seemed particularly...gendered.  Like anyone could relate to Hey Arnold.  Courage the Cowardly Dog was scary no matter your gender.  Everyone loved Ducktales - altho I guess Disney isn’t behind any of the situations i mentioned before (it’s mostly CN and then a little bit of Nickelodeon, but I do know Disney’s done some...kinda shady shit and does have a tendency to gender its shows, but idk if it’s ever canceled a show for that reason)  I dont know.  I wish I had the motivation and resources to do more research, but I’m just some idiot on the internet lmao.

I guess my point is that Teen Titans, The Legend of Korra, and related shows would likely be much better off if they were airing in 2017.

#stormy speaks #i havent even seen like 75% of the shows i used to back up my case here and i dislike 25% of those 75% but shhh #also is it bad that im looking at the little bit of research I HAVE done for this and thinking #yknow everything kinda points to a possible sixth season for Teen Titans.... #potentially on adult swim but idk about that #Young Justice was one of the shows that was canceled for a similar reason and its getting brought back #CN just started reairing Teen Titans - which is exactly what they did with Samurai Jack before it was rebooted btw #so //waggles eyebrows #then again i dont want to get my hopes up or anyone else's hopes up because...cn is...yikes #i just hope that if there IS another season of teen titans made they include the ideas about terra #because #cries #IM LOVE HER #SM

[parentingguide8-blog]

5 Well-Meaning Rules New Parents Will See Blown To Hell

New Post has been published on https://parentinguideto.com/must-see/5-well-meaning-rules-new-parents-will-see-blown-to-hell/

5 Well-Meaning Rules New Parents Will See Blown To Hell

We’ve talked before about lies parents swear they’ll never tell their kids but end up telling anyway because kids are so easy to lie to. But what about more sympathetic victims, the parents themselves? Parents tell themselves lies all the time — I know because I am one, and am as mind-bogglingly self-delusional a person as they come.

Join me, won’t you, on a trip through the shadowy fields of self-deception.

5

I Won’t Let My Kid Do …

You’ve got an idea about what it means to be a functioning human being, and the kind of behaviors that are acceptable or not for your kid to display. You might be wrong, but that’s beside the point; your kid sure won’t know, and you’ve got the legal and moral responsibility to impress that shit on them anyways. Which means when you see your kids demonstrating those unacceptable behaviors, you’ll put a stop to it. No hitting your brother, no throwing books, no seizing the means of production. Simple, right?

Why You’re Lying To Yourself

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The problem with that is it’s not enough to correct a child’s behavior once. They’re not smart like a robot or a carp or anything. I would estimate, based on my own experience raising two damned rambunctious boys, that it takes one thousand fucking corrections for them to understand not to do something. They will seize the means of production so many times no matter how often I tell them not to, I need that. The process is so long and exhausting that you don’t even really notice when it’s over; by the time they finally learn whatever lesson you’ve been trying to teach them, you’ll be enraged by whatever new thing they’re fucking up. Speaking ancient, forbidden tongues or whatever.

Anyways, because it takes so long, and their disobedience will occasionally catch you at a moment of complete exhaustion, you will sometimes let it slide. A threatened punishment becomes an angry stare becomes a collapse into the couch. This is bad, the kind of inconsistent pattern which confuses your kids and breeds terrorism. But being tired is actually worse, so … this’ll happen.

Just don’t kid yourself in advance is my main advice. On some days your child will be a shitlord and you’ll be basically OK with it.

4

I Won’t Let It Affect My …

Some of my friends had kids before I did, and I always felt really happy seeing them out doing regular-people activities with the rest of us after they had kids. Drinking beers and yelling and such. “Good for them,” I’d whisper to myself. “Even with kids, you still gotta live your regular life. I’m gonna do that too when my time comes to pass from the realm of regular people.” And then everyone would look at me strangely and yell and I’d go home.

Almost every new or prospective parent seems to do this, because it just sounds so reasonable. How hard could it possibly be to incorporate your kids into your old hobbies?

Why You’re Lying To Yourself

Hahahahahhaha, no.

First, here’s what’s going to happen to the time you used to use for your regular activities. Your kids will consume 95 percent of what you previously considered free time, and also about 40 percent of the time you’d previously dedicated to activities like grooming and sleep, and then another 85 percent of time that didn’t even exist until you had kids. This probably depends on the age of kids — mine I think are still getting younger? — but for a good long while, imagine you have about 10 percent of the free time you once had. That won’t be too far off.

Now, that’s not nothing! You can still do fun regular-person activities with that time, or find ways to fold your kids into those activities. But you won’t be able to do a lot of it. Watching entire seasons of television will seem incredibly exotic. The movie industry will leave you behind like a rotting corpse (are zombie movies still big? I sincerely don’t know.) If drinking beer and yelling is important to you, you’ll still do that; but you’ll be home before seven, or only do it twice a year, or almost never steal a cop’s gun anymore.

There’s a bigger issue beyond just time. Regular-people activities will simply be less attractive to you in a way that’s hard to understand before you become a parent. You will be entirely happy spending days on end reading very short books and fighting about underpants. Ok, not happy, just con- no, it’s not content either. It’s something though. Huh.

Huh.

I think this is called Love but I can’t claim to have reviewed all the literature on the subject, seeing as I haven’t read a book more than 12 pages long in a couple years. Let’s put a pin in Love for now though.

3

I’ll Feed Them Nothing But …

I’m fairly easy-going about diets; left to my own devices, I eat a bit like a raccoon. But even I understand the importance of healthy habits. You set your kid up with a good foundation, and they’ll grow up big and strong and one day destroy you. It’s what every parent dreams.

So in my house we tend to give the kids fruits, veggies, grains. Not too much sugar. Only fair trade snake blood. And because kids are little habit sponges, this has to be a whole-family thing; I have to lead by example. I try not to shotgun cans of coke around them anymore at least.

I do that in the toilet, like my father before me.

Why You’re Lying To Yourself

Have I mentioned the exhaustion yet? FOLKS, IT’S A FACTOR, FOLKS. Because you’ll be working and parenting a solid 63 hours a day, and pizza tastes so good and it’s so easy, yeah, your grand plans about diets and home-cooked meals every day will occasionally evaporate.

In truth, this is kind of a broad category, because it can apply to so many decisions you make about how you’ll raise your kid. The amount of screentime they get, or active play they’re forced to do, or length of time they can wear pajamas; you’ve got well-founded ideas about what’s reasonable or legal for all of those things, and you will cave the fuck in on at least one of them nearly every day, simply because children are relentless and you’re fat and slow from all the pizza.

I guess the main thing is to do the best you can, and maybe get the pizza company to block your calls. And stop beating yourself up so much. Parenting’s tough. Because of that, you truly mean it when you say …

2

I Won’t Judge Other Parents And Their Kids

As you get into parenting a bit and realize just how damned hard it is, you’ll develop a lot more sympathy for other parents. A screaming child in a restaurant is a mild annoyance to most of the customers, but it’s only the latest in a day of grievous emotional wounds for his or her parents. And if you happen to witness this during one of the rare serene moments you get with your own kids, you’ll swear to yourself not to ever judge or look down on another parent’s failings again.

Why You’re Lying To Yourself

You will judge the shit out of every parent you see. The parents who give their kids way too much sugar are deadbeats, but the ones who don’t give their kids enough sugars are bound-up assholes. The parents who let their kids climb up the slide, or the parents who don’t let their kids climb up the slide — one of these groups will irritate you out of your actual skin. The parents who take their kids to nice restaurants are monsters, but so are the parents who take their kids to breweries.

I take my kids to breweries all the time, actually. It’s fine. They’re cool.

The breweries, that is. The kids aren’t too cool yet.

The problem is that every decision another parent makes which isn’t identical to yours is effectively a refutation of your parenting techniques. It suggests this person doesn’t think you are raising your kids the right way. Can you believe they implied that? About MY delightful boys?

Vayse, Cromwell, put down your sugar right now. We’re going to the brewery.

1

I Won’t Become My Mother/Father

Even if you have a good relationship with your parents, you’re still probably a little resistant to the idea of actually becoming one of them. It just feels wrong — for all their qualities, they are clearly the least cool people on Earth. As we become teenagers, a huge part of how we define ourselves is on how we differ from our parents. We’ll pride ourselves on our differences and say to ourselves, “I’m not going to wear socks with sandals,” or, “I’m going to understand how text messages work,” or “I’m not going to be able to afford a house.” Things like that.

And for many years, we’re right. We’re not like our parents! We do cool things like drink beers and yell. And even if that trails off a bit when we have kids, there’s no way we’d actually become them. Right?

Why You’re Lying To Yourself

Parenting involves a lot of situations you’re not going to foresee, things no parenting book or nature documentary about baby penguins will prepare you for. Small things, mainly, and not even bad ones. Like what you’ll say or do when your kid makes something cool out of Lego, or throws some food against the wall, or praises ISIS. You will find that in these unexpected situations your immediate, instinctive reaction will spookily mirror whatever your parents did with you. You’ll catch yourself giving the same nicknames or praise your parents gave you, or delivering the same punishments. “Attaboy, tiger,” or climbing up on the counter and jumping down on them just like mom used to.

You weren’t able to see this for most of your adult life to date, having defined yourself by your familiarity with technology, or your deeply sexual nature: aspects you never saw in your own parents. Clearly you were a different person from them! But once your own kids roll along you’ll realize that your very idea of what it means to be a parent comes from one very specific source: your own parents. You are them, and they are you, and you are about to become very, very lame as a result.

You can remain deeply sexual though; that’s fine. They always hid that from you.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and if proud of all of you, tiger. As the author of the amazing novels, Freeze/Thaw and Severance he thinks you should definitely go buy both of those now. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/