#i want to see sapphic handmaidens is that too much to ask | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lapeaudelamemoire · 5 years

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The number of people I'm reading on here & elsewhere about wlw, and maybe to a smaller extent mlm, is really getting to hitting a point where i think this is where it's gonna start.

I think loving women is helping me love myself more. & considering the shitty way in general that women are treated by men at large I really think this might extend beyond my own personal experience. Not just sisterhood but women genuinely, sapphically, loving women. Romantically and sexually and sensually.

I want to do that more. I'm tired of trying to love men gently because in my experience that just gives them more leeway to fuck you up through your tenderness. Women don't take advantage of that.

Look, I'm happy - to love anyone. I'm happy if a man wants to give me his love, & I'm grateful for it too. But I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for them to say something I can't get with or that just immediately drops the floor out of how far away & impaired their understanding of what it's like for me or to be me is. & eventually it just - they're almost never as soft, & frankly, the sex is lacking.

I'd love a man who would & could dom me the way I see in .gifs or stories on here. But I'm also not so sure any more that even then something might not be missing. I'd love to have a man top me in masculinity - not the toxic violent thing but just the chivalry, the giving me his jacket if I'm cold, the taking care of me - topmost, the taking care of me. With Jasper, I gave him my jacket. I carried his gym bag. I bathed him & scrubbed him & whatever. I'm not saying that's not okay.

But I want that for me, too. I want to be the one in The Handmaiden where someone undoes the buttons on the back of my dress and takes my jewellery off at the end of the night and washes my hair in the bath - one memory of Jasper is when I asked him to please shampoo my hair for me because a nail had torn in the bath. I want someone to braid my hair for me. I want to lay softly with someone my head on their pillowing breast.

& with men it's always a competition of some sort.

There are very few truly soft men I've met. Who also know how to take care of someone else, or even themselves, emotionally. & I'm tired. I've loved enough men. I loved Jasper most when he laid in bed beside me and his eyes were the softest things like a baby's blue terrycloth blanket, and that gaze.

& maybe I just want a woman I can wake up to & know there's no impressing to be done. We'll just have coffee and she'll laugh and it'll sound like tinkling in the wind or hearty and earthy. & maybe I want to softly part her thighs the way I've always wanted mine to be, & maybe I want to tell her all the things I wished some man would say to me, the things I've done for myself instead. Maybe I'll say she's honey & I want to get all sticky with her & maybe when we go out we'll be free and feel carefree the way I ran down outside of the castle in Lisbon with Kai & she'll gently rub circles where my lips part through my clothes & I'll stare dazzled at her in the sun & at home I'll do that thing again where she reads & my tongue reads her instead on the sofa and me on the floor lapping at her like a cat.

Maybe I want a girl to buy roses for this time. Maybe I want to be the one who gets to be all tangled up in someone else's hair. Maybe. Maybe she'll be in bed & I am & she comes in & I look up & smile & she tumbles in and kisses me. Maybe I'll finally say to some woman I think is stunning that I can't stop thinking of her sloping breasts in her see-through nightie & how much I want to put my mouth to her when she steps out of the bath over me and cover her skin.

Because I'll bet my life there's so many of us who have waited, and wanted, & wished for the day some guy would say that to her, do that for her. & maybe I'm done waiting on a man to show up. Maybe I can do that for someone & she can do that for me too, & we won't wait, or wish, or want for, any more.

Maybe I had my god & he was a man & yea I'd still get down on my knees maybe, probably, & yea I'll miss strong hands bigger than mine by so much & maybe I'll miss the way he comes, but there are so many other ways of love, to love, & I've spent so much of my life not exploring or being explored by someone like me. Maybe I want the soft hands for myself this round, maybe yea he'll date some other girl & well, maybe so will I. Maybe I'll be the one swapping lipstick & marks on my cheek. Because why only them? Why give it to them but not have it for myself?

#personal

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