#i’ve finally gotten covid so now i’m in bed generating some TAKES to entertain myself

[hoyatype]

does anyone else feel insane when they come across women/shaving/feminism discourse? in particular, when any assertion that having to shave one’s legs, pubic hair, etc is an unnecessary beauty standard and women should be FREE of this (my position btw)—

is immediately met w at least one woman saying: no, but i like it and i do it for me. statements like this don’t account for my particular situation where it’s not oppressive, it’s actually joyful! and i’m like…congratulations, you took a systemic analysis and narrowed it to your individual experience in an attempt to delegitimize it…thanks? it’s also deeply suspect that there are just so many women who have all independently and individually articulated a personal preference that conforms to what is normatively encouraged…starts to feel more like an enforced preference than an autonomously chosen one…

oh—and sometimes obscurely urgent reasons (it’s for sensory reasons and deeply important for this person’s neuroatypical existence) are brought into the discussion. i am sure this is sometimes true. but in many cases i also think people are uncomfortable with really facing their personal preferences and realizing that they’re not in alignment with their political inclinations, or uncomfortable having to own up to: well, i don’t have a defensible reason for this! so very often i suspect people are trying to invoke a Good reason that can elide critique…bc it’s uncomfortable to be questioned and reassuring to have a defense that forces people to drop any further questioning…

i genuinely would rather people be honest w themselves and say: i am doing this because i’m afraid of being socially and romantically and sexually penalized. it would feel more candid than having to obscure these behaviors as a personal preference.

and then we could have a real conversation about whether not shaving means that they won’t get the love they want.

personally: i’m not hardcore about this, i shave my legs when i wear shorts and skirts in the summer, but i just don’t agonize about my hair growing out a bit. it’s leg hair, everyone has it! and i’ve never ever ever shaved my pubic hair (sorry to burden anyone following me w this knowledge…) and i really haven’t had issues w this in multiple encounters and relationships with straight men. i am positive it DOES disqualify me for some straight men, but i don’t want to make a good impression on everyone, just an accurate impression of who i am and what my preferences and beliefs are. those guys are free to date women who are committed to spending $$$/month on waxing…i will never be that person and i am happy that no one i’ve loved expected me to be that person.

it’s not a terrible thing for someone to find you unattractive. it’s not the end of the world. it’s not a woman’s purpose to be attractive. and it is truly amazing and heartening that so many people fall in love with others who are not conventionally attractive! who are not dogmatically conforming to all beauty standards! “ugly” people can be loved and respected and cherished and i think that now, in an age of looksmaxxing femcel plastic surgery etc, we should remember this…

it’s funny how much i care about the Shaving Question bc in the grand scheme of things it’s a very small rebellion against beauty norms, but it is one i feel very passionate about and i really don’t understand why so many women are choosing to submit to it, spending significant time and money and effort plucking away all these hairs…especially when so many of these women, from my experience, are also constantly railing against the terrible chokehold that beauty norms and the male gaze have on them. (going to preemptively defuse a common objection here—that it’s different to defy a standard if you’re already very conventionally hot vs not—and note that the women i’ve been most perplexed by in this regard are cis white women who are fairly thin…they’re soooo close to hegemonic feminine beauty already and horribly afraid of losing out on any of it. i do think there’s some argument here that women who are already seen as ugly and unfeminine risk MORE by not conforming to beauty norms. but weirdly it’s woc, fat women, etc who are more likely ime to be the women who intentionally defect and choose their defections carefully. it’s almost like being on the wrong side of beauty standards encourages more criticality of it…)

it is just surprising and maddening to me. like. just don’t shave for 2 more days. or 2 more weeks. genuinely a lot of men do not notice and the ones that hold it against you are providing you with tremendously important insight into their expectations of women. and obviously a lot of women don’t care at all and you can be serenely unshaven together ❤️

i think it’s so important for women to defy feminine beauty/grooming standards sometimes, just for fun, just for practice—and when i say practice i mean it in the highest and most respectful sense: as a way of continually asserting your own agency against the onslaught of expectations for what it means to be a woman, to be “good enough”, to be “beautiful” (not to a specific person but in society’s eyes). i really do think women need to practice resisting beauty standards so that it becomes something possible and natural and even habitual. there is so much suffering present when you can’t escape these norms, and any act of defiance is a way of strengthening you against them imo

#i’ve finally gotten covid so now i’m in bed generating some TAKES to entertain myself #i don’t believe in choice feminism either #tradwives are so weird what’s up with them #i too would love to escape capitalism by having someone else engage in it on my behalf #but i’m not self-delusional enough to depict this as empowering or even strategically appropriate in 2022 #beauty #feminism

[bestwishes-beana]

COVID Craziness

My life has gotten really crazy, really fast. My dad was exposed to COVID at a poker game and my family has been in shambles ever since. While I don’t live with my father, I had contact with him when he was asymptomatic but after he was exposed. I found out today, about a week after his initial contact with someone who was confirmed with COVID, that he tested positive. He’s not one to complain, but he’s not doing well; please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. My dads healthy and persevering, but I’ve seen this disease wipe out the best of people. I can’t even entertain the thought. 

What my family and I have been struggling with is the selfishness of our reaction to the situation. I am one of 3 girls, and at the news, all of us were distraught, not out of fear for our dads, but for our social lives. My youngest sister was in hysterics, ugly crying about how she couldn’t see her boyfriend or attended her sport practices. My middle sister, forever the real responsible one, the uptight one determined to keep a straight face, is currently in her room virtually auditioning for her school musical. She’s gotten so much more talented than I ever remember, and I hope auditioning virtually doesn’t put her at a disadvantage. She’s been going through a rough patch and when she doesn’t rely on family, I hope she can rely on her friends. It’s her senior year and while she’s trying to make the most of it, she’s already losing so much.

And then there’s me. I felt like I was finally on an upswing in terms of my depression. I was making plans, no matter how small- a trip to the dollar store on Monday, coffee on Tuesday, fast food on Wednesday, dinner date Thursday, weekend trip on Friday. I felt good finally having plans to put in my planner, no matter how small. And then at the news, I knew all my plans were going out the window. All these little things gave me a reason to get out of bed and get dressed in the morning, and now I had nothing. I had been planning and looking forward to this trip for a long time - really just an excuse to have some well deserved alone time with my long distance boyfriend. I felt crushed and bogged down and overwhelmed by it all. And then there was the guilt- sitting here worried about my own life when my dad was bedridden by a mysterious disease that had taken who knows how many lives at this point. That selfishness only drove me deeper into this bitter cycle. 

I like to think I just needed a day. My sisters and I all tested negative, but we have to quarantine for 14 days since our exposure to our father, just in case we develop COVID in that window. Working from home got a lot harder and while I’m still feeling anxious and overwhelmed, I’m learning how to deal with it. There’s so much more family drama, but I can’t bring myself to go into it. The rest of it having to do with my grandmother, who currently lives with us. Our aid quit rudely and unexpectedly and along with a full time job, 3 girls, and her own personal life and shoddy mental health, my mom has to worry about taking care of her mother. I’m thinking of quitting my job to become an aid for my grandma so we don’t have to deal with this anymore. I would make less that I’m making with my current job, but it would be a big stress off my mothers plate. It would be nice to not have to deal with strangers yelling at me anymore. 

So I guess this is my life update as I try to process my world. I’m stressed and overwhelmed and relying on CBD probably more than I should. COVID is stressful in general, but when it affects you directly, it is all the more so. I hope people are being conscientious and staying safe. It’s either put your life on hold now or later. 

I hope things get better. If you want some insight into my mind, listen to “Karma” by AJR. But until next time.

Best wishes,

Beana