I’ve been borned and raised in a very “important” and old family with a lot of money and many huge egos.
When I was a little girl, I wore pretty pink & white dresses, I learnt how to play piano and I did horseback because that’s what little girls do in this family..
I learnt to shut my mouth when my father, uncles and brothers were speaking. I learnt how to quietly clean the table while they were talking politic, smoking big expensive cigars. Because that’s what women do in this family.
When I still was a kid, barely a teen, I met that boy in high school. He was handsome and kind. He was from another important family also. That was a deal.
I was 16 at that time, but my parents saw me married with that guy already. Finally, and without any surprise, my boyfriend proposed the day I turnt 20. I said yes. Of course I did. Our families organised a huge party.
It sounds like middle age? No, no, no. 2010′s in Europe.
I wasn’t happy. He wasn’t bad with me but I wasn’t in love with him. But I liked to tell to myself that I didn’t have any other choice. At a young age, I had a nice boyfriend, we were even engaged. We had a big and pretty appartment in a beautiful city. I hadn’t to fear unemployment because after my studies, I’d have a good job in Family Business. I didn’t dare to complain.
Then… I grew up. I met free people who looked happy and wild. I discovered some wonderful people on the internet who chose their own lifestyle which make them truly happy.
I wanted to do the same. I was tired of faking some ridiculous and old fashioned happiness.
At the age of 23, I left my ex-fiancé. Everybody was pissed. For the first time in my whole life, I did a thing against my family’s odds and they weren’t happy about that, far from it. They didn’t left me, they aren’t monsters but they made me understand, everyday, how much I was wrong.
And now… Now… I want to keep going. In September, I’ll move in a new unknown city. I’ll still work in family business, I’m still scary to cut all bonds. I feel deeply insecure and I feel unable to live by my own yet.
After the piano, I want to learn to be happy by myself without any father, uncle or brother to tell me what to do. I want to explore my own sexuality, I want to be able to please myself. I would love to try new things with… Girls, or boys, I don’t really know yet.
I want to free myself. This is only the beginning hopefully.