#idk it's just that everytime i would see someone and know they were queer my heart would shake in this weird way

[idlyingabout]

I spent some 10 months working in this retail supermarket shop that's close to home and after quitting the only experience that's stayed with me is those rare few times when i would see other queer people just existing in public. Maybe it's because I'm kind of a coward and could never be that openly out, or the environment in this area of the city that I know is very christian and very hostile (the things that i've heard my coworkers saying...) but I came to treasure those rare moments in a very special way. It can feel kinda lonely here, where sometimes it seems like it's just me and the friends I met in artschool and the people in other areas that i see on instagram, weirdly far away from me, and knowing that it'll be decades before we achieve anything meaningful in this country, but seeing someone being so open and brave like that makes me wanna keep going y'know? Maybe someday I'll live in a future where my teacher from artschool didn't have to travel to the USA to get married, and I can go to the beach with my friends and have twin scars on my chest.

#i say stuff #trans tag #idk it's just that everytime i would see someone and know they were queer my heart would shake in this weird way #i can remember like two lesbian couples #two men that asked me about curtains and as I was walking away heard one of them call the other 'darling' #this trans girl that was shoping with a friend and she had beautiful green braids #a couple of other trans women who asked me about what comforter sizes we had #i feel like i would see these people and in my head chant 'please look at me please recognize me please' #maybe i'm being weird idk #also i was working in this store as like a temporary thing #after graduating here with an associate's i applied to this artschool in the USA to like finish my full degree #they accepted me and I spent almost a whole year looking for help to actually study there #i looked in many ways and help never came sadly #a part of me also just wanted to escape from here #maybe some weird karma from that prevented help from coming idk #anyways maybe things can get better. maybe #i started tearing up just writing this

[kiefbowl]

Everytime I say to myself "im bisexual" i get this sense of deep guilt, and i just feel like crying flor some reason.

I know im not straight and i know im not a lesbian so the only logical conclusion is that I'm bi but i just dont feel like I am? I also dont feel like I'm allowed to have these feelings of struggle because i see people online say women are prtending to be bi for queer points so i feel like I'm overreacting you know.

Everytime I think of myself being in a relationship with a woman i feel a deep sense of shame.

I feel guilty like im a monster you know. I grew up in a homophobic country and only moved out like 3 years ago so i think maybe thats why ? Idk im just lost. I see people online just like being super happy about being lgb and im like why am I struggling? Im not supposed to feel this way. I feel like a fraud.

I was outed, kind of, I mean I wanst even sure i was bi but she told everyone and like my friends started behaving differently towards me and idk I just well first of all why did she tell people?? I didnt even know if i was into women i just wanst sure i wanted to make sense of it first i felt exposed in a way(dont worry my uni was chill so no physical harm or anyhting like thta)

Like that was my thing!! It was my fukcing thing and you don't get to tell people about it . Why did she do that. I know its not a big deal but now like if you ask me if im out i would say no ? Like no one knows im bi here in this new country.

Im rambling.

I have never said the word "im bisexual" out loud like ever

I'm going to give you permission about something you haven't specifically asked for, but in my wisdom I'm going to grant you this permission:

You don't have to know.

It's okay! You've moved, you're young, you're getting away from homophobia and finding new kinds of homophobia...that's too much stress, just stop worrying about it. So you don't know today, who cares? You'll figure it out. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in 50 years.

If it's causing you this amount of stress, and if all the voices of all these people in your head causing you doubt, then you aren't allowing yourself to discover by simply living. You're becoming a police officer in you head, and you're navel gazing as a form of punishment, and let me tell you, even if you were straight as ruler that wouldn't help you find love and fulfillment.

You're sexual orientation is something natural within you. So whatever feels natural, that's the truth of the matter. If you are trying to attack this as a thinking problem that needs solving, you just won't get there. Go out and party, go out and enjoy people's company, go set life goals and focus on them...and one day when you're not thinking about it you will meet someone you can't deny is the most lovely, beautiful person in the whole world and all you want to do is kiss them. And then you'll know.

This is about no one else but you. This is your sexual orientation, this is your life, and you don't need a peanut gallery weighing in. Fire your shitty friends if you have to. If people ask, you can say "I'm figuring it out" or even flat out say "that's none of your f*cking business." Or, if you want to be funny, pretend you have a very selective hearing problem.

Prioritize the things that you know are fulfilling you right now, and all the stuff you don't know yet will come back around in due time. This is true of love as it's true of everything else we obsess about. You don't have to know everything about yourself to be a good person.

Good luck, sis. Have fun smooching cuties, studying seriously, and enjoying the sun.

[jet-apologistmybadhomies]

oooooh tell me more how u feel abt striker! me, personally, i adore him in oops but don't care for how he was handled in western energy 😒 the fight scene against mnm is my fave in show, tho!

oh my god i been waiting for this question!! everytime an ep drops with him in it i spamm my Friends about how i feel

me everytime hes on Screen

so i must apolgize this Just all my thoughts written into one messy text

u gotta know tho i absolutely love that Western outlaw bullshit like the Moment someone looks like that? i am eating it up its a gulity pleasure

his first appearnce was so cool i mean i did find the whole "hes the better Version" jealously trope kinda boring

but Striker was so cool during and did not acutally have anything"romantic" going on with millie just saved that for me

he has at least in his first ep that eat the rich mentallity that Always wins my heart the fact that hes queer also maybe did make me like him more cuz Cowboys should be gay 😁 nah fr he was giving me queer outlaw and the fact that everytime he Attacked someone it was acutally "scary" at least for the characters like sorry but

in a show thats about Killing and yk treats it as a joke to make him choke moxxie and have it genuinly feel threating was just awesome

u just knew he was different from the other villains

his Style was honestly fake Cowboy but i think we all know that the thing is its so stylish that i just dont care

Striker just eats with almost everything he did in the ep and the voice only made it better i even honestly like his second voice actor too but that may be cuz i am based

and yk its all good until the next time he Shows up and they start to make jokes 🥲 and its like WHY like he even swears like all the time which he didnt before and it takes from his whole vibe away ☹️ but yk i can forgive that cuz he literally Kidnapped stolas and the fact that hes working for stella gives him that lil hypocritic that i just love so i was yea its okay especially when he was on that horse 😙

and the fight scene was also awesome and i tbh found even "Harder" joke funny Where he just keeps having his fights be sexual and hes like wtf ACUTALLY if that would have been his first 'fuck' in the show it would have been 💯 funnier

but u could like feel that he gotten a whole less scary even tho he acutally harmed stolas

and that that mess of the third ep where he still has this cool vibe but its just completly runied by the fact that hes not scary that he has in the lost his cool and every other character is just weirdly useless next to him

him working with moxxies dad could be Potential for Angst tol but i honestly dont like Striker working with ppl i Think he is that loner and it fits him yk? but thats fine until he totally loses to blitzo and fizz even if his other fights were so cool? and now he looks like a rat which is still funny but kinda sad yk?

its Basically i can appricate the funny parts but its also so sad to his such a cool character be the butt of a joke 🥲 like it ruins him

BUT i still love him and i wish we acutally got to know more? like his Mixed , hates royals , is homeless and works with stella? like the Potential is so wasted

and i cant even see it working if they do try because even tho we have this whole opression shit going on the show keeps fucking it up? like imps supposed go be low?? but theres one thats a Mafia head theres on thats a star like sure they can be that but if so many can do that then blitzo and Striker just look dramatic next to it

or the fact that they keep making the sins nice at least some of the rich nice its just it makes Striker look like hes upset over nothing

anyway with all that out of the way .. i also think hes hot i am sorry especially the whole snake sounds and shit he has going on? yea idk

ps

i do kinda like him getting more unhinged the more he shows up? like ooo hes crazy too i love that

#striker helluva boss #take this with a grain of salt #striker #helluva boss Striker #helluva boss #just my thoughts in a big bowl #also i really like to headcanon him as ace #and make him use sex as a Manipulation tatic #“why is Always gotta be a sex thing” #so real Striker

[for-responding]

Going on a rant about labels and sexuality

Ok so, asexuals and demisexual

Not everyone wants sex. Not everyone likes sex. And even though hookup culture is very big right now, it’s ok to not be into that.

If you get horny but don’t want to have sex (me lol) that’s valid. Maybe I will want to have sex one day but honestly despite being 20, I’m terrified of it and still feel like a teenager I don’t feel mature enough to do it (and also Christianity has me scared of hell so there’s that to)

And if you’re like 12, having sex with other 12 year olds…ok. I don’t care idk.

But back on topic. Everytime I see the topic of a sexuality and Demi sexuality come up, I think “isn’t that just a personality trait?” And I don’t mean that in a belittling way. Some people find power is labels and that fine.

But when I see the definition it seems like a normal thing. And that’s it, it is normal. If it’s not negatively impacting you and you’re not unhappy like that, I dknt see why waiting for a deep connection before having sex is a problem.

I think it’s just the vast majority of people seem to wnat sex much earlier. And that baffles me too

I’m a very horny person, I don’t know if it’s from trauma or if I’m like that. But I don’t wanna think about that. So I’ve done things horny people do, I have lots of crushes on fictional men. And my most intense real crush/infatuation has been with a kid form high-school. I never thought SEX, but I thought they were really hot. Regardless i havnt dated or fucked anyone. And that’s fine.

But what I’ve seen if that asexual and demi people don’t even feel that. They don’t see a swooping bangs and dark eyes and drool like I did lol. They just see another person, and that’s chill. That’s cool and good. But then once they get to know said swooping bangs, and they’re deep friends, then they’re like, oh my g-. They’re hot and I kinda wanna get freaky

I’m just rambling so pls feel free to ignore this

I’m not inavliating anyone on purpose. But I do feel like while it can fall under the queer space it’s also normal. Like how homosexuality is naturally occurring.

I always wondered why it would be an issue though. Why would you discriminate against someone not wanting to have sex.

But I’ve stated my distaste for marriage and kids and my mother will get all “I want grandkids blah blah”.. like maam. Did you adopt me just to give YOU more children?

That’s the weird bit. Why doesn’t society care that you’re NOT getting laid? That seems like a perfect scenario. No risk of unwanted pregnancy or sti or std or hopefully other negatives to sex. I’d be happy if my kid came out as ace, or if they chose to have a partner I wouldn’t care

But then there’s the case of being ace because of fear (me lowkey) or trauma (or religion) AND THATS FINE. Maybe talk to someone about your fears if you feel like it but you don’t need to have a good reason to not want to have sex

It perfectly fine if you got abused and no longer want sex. I hope you heal and that you find what’s right for you. But you never ever have to do what makes you unfcomforbale.

Ok .I’m done.

Honestly I think I just like to exercise my thumbs .

Ranting on tumblr if my form of therapy because I can’t afford medication or a real therapist :)))

[aroaceconfessions]

We gotta stop blaming cishetallos for problems from inside the community for a sec or we will be wasting effort on the wrong target.

Like, this sounds crazy, I know, but hear me out: they don't know we exist. Not saying if they knew they would be fine with it, in my experience a homophobe, a biphobe, a panphobe or a transphobe will be also amisiac once they learn about us. The thing is most of them have yet to learn we exist. Our allies are almost all of them other queer people but that also means that the prejudice we feel as aromantics, asexuals and people on the spectrum also comes from within the queer community.

I realized this reading posts from trans people, specially non-binary, mogais and such, about some specific prejudice they go through and how, to overcome them, they needed to stop pretending it was coming from an outsider who in most cases don't even know they exist. Those who do it unconsciously need to be told they are doing it so they can stop, and those who know well what they are doing need to be either re-educated or fought off. No social media network do shit when you report an arophobic or acephobic content/account, so people know there are no consequences to it and guys… lying to ourselves ain't gonna solve shit.

If we don't start acknowledging that as a community — the lgbt+ one, the queer one —, an yearly post saying we are loved while still practicing aphobia, even if you aren't aware, not only doesn't suffice but harms us, and that most of the aphobes who are aware of their actions and intend to act as such are from within the community we will make absolute no progress.

We barely are taken serious when we talk about the need for positive representation, we will just be stuck in this cycle of "we exist, we are valid, we are not faking". We won't ever go to the "our identity is not a mental illness symptom nor a trauma indicator, make it illegal to use it for diagnosis" and "the laws and most contracts for any kind of service does not consider people who are non-partnering and limits us in many ways, reconsider them" or "rights who are only given to partnered people are not rights but privileges".

It's Okay to call out someone when they are doing harm even they think they are doing good. It isn't mean or ungrateful. It's necessary.

We went through the "aspec people are not inherently LGBT". The different in nature of it from other exclusionist movements [as in how those movements began and were treated by the community (some really starting from outsiders), and how what we are going through since the mid 2010s began and is treated], should be more than telling. We need to make people realize that it shouldn't be treated as just a casual thing to be an exclusionist, we need to de-normalize this mentality of its okay to support the community while excluding A-spec people. People should be angry too. I wish they would start getting angry too because is so very tiring to make post like "if it was an *another lgbt identity* you would be angry" everytime something aphobic happens not only because it's a painful truth that doesn't seem to get better but because there will always be someone there to twist our words.

I don't know how to articulate this but what I mean is we gotta focus the whole awareness inwards a bit, the explaining, stop blinding ourselves from the clear truth.

Most people who don't know about us will learn about us from allo-allos. We don't have the platform to spread awareness as strongly so of course the help is appreciated but everytime I scroll through idk tiktok I see someone trying to be supportive and explain what is Aro, what is ace, what is demi, and such, but saying it in a very vague and, surprisingly more often, very damaging way and I'm thankful for the effort, I really am, but… you gotta be aware of who will be telling your story.

#aromantic #asexual #aroace #aphobia

[thatblondeperson]

Gonna voice my thoughts. WFA not even mentioning Tim and Steph being together in the past and vaguely alluding to it at best and trying to pass them off as platonic besties while having Bernard when he was JUST introduced and his relationship with Tim is barely there feels like deliberate downplaying. I mean they have Tim ties with the YJ and Steph's time as Robin which are important to both of them but Tim and Steph's relationship is just as crucial to both of them as these are. I'm not pleased

You know anon, I'm gonna be a little harsh here, and I'm sorry. I gotta put my foot down, because I know you're messaging @incoherentbabblings about this too, and neither of us really wanna be a part of this tantrum.

WFA is pure fanon. It's pretty weak at storytelling, it's supposed to be light fluff, it's really not supposed to be taken seriously. You are taking it way too seriously.

We do not know if Tim and Steph were previously an item in it, we don't know if they will be again. Duke had a gf for all of 3 issues. WFA moves pretty quick. Storylines are gonna bounce around. It's short and sweet and mostly unsubstantial.

I don't they've ignored their relationship or their importance to each other.

Pretty blatant that Steph and Tim are important to each other here.

Sorry that Tim isn't mentioning in length about how they used to make out when Steph is literally having an identity crisis and crumbling inwards on herself.

And look at this stickers from the concept art, anon:

Tim's bi in WFA. He's gonna date girls, maybe Steph. He's gonna date Bernard and maybe other boys. Maybe it'll just be a one-off storyline, maybe it'll last. I don't know.

You know what I do know?

Tim, DC Comics, anyone, does NOT have to mention Steph everytime Tim goes on a date with someone else.

Bernard is a part of Tim's story now too. Whether he's just there to help push a queer narrative or whether we'll see him make a longer lasting impact going forward, idk. Idk why you're shocked that he's popping up in WFA. Yes, he's fairly new in the importance he has now, but Tim's queerness is a BIG deal. WFA wants to tell that story too. And GOOD FOR THEM. THEY SHOULD. IT'S IMPORTANT THAT TIM IS DISCOVERING HIMSELF IN NEW WAYS.

Yes I would like Steph to be a part of that. I'd rather that happen in regular comics than WFA where it would carry more weight. WFA does give fans some fun things we would never see in regular comics, interactions a lot of us crave, and it's fun. But it's basically a little fluffy elseworld.

It's not downplaying for Tim to go on dates with other people. It wouldn't be downplaying for Steph to. You gotta chill, anon. I'm not gonna rant with you because I just do not care and I do not see this issue the way that you do. I know you have a lot of feelings on this matter, but you have to stop trying to pull me and @incoherentbabblings into this.

You are obviously more than welcome to make your own post regarding this, I'm sure you have a lot more to say and more power to you for that. But I would like to be left out of the discussions against TimBer please.

#timsteph #tim drake #stephanie brown #personal #ask tbp #i really dont care #timber is cute #wfa is cute #its all whatever

[bibiana112]

aoi and/or akane for the headcanon thing?

Them!! Aight, Imma start with Aoi

Sexuality Headcanon: Well it's not really headcanon, he's bi and there's nothing you can do about it <3

Gender Headcanon: Gender nonconforming he/they dude that often goes over the top with acessorizing and honestly good for him I too will die if I am perceived without a tiara, scarf, gloves and earrings all at once

A ship I have with said character: @gaulemtypefemale-dm-l-016 talked my ear off about Aoilight once and completely sold me on the two. I'm not big on shipping but I want good things for Aoi and they're really cute and snakegay so like yeah I really enjoy this one

A BROTP I have with said character: Him and Phi! I read a fic once that had a bit about them getting along and forming a friendship based on being the only blatantly queer people in the crash keys meetings, and I love that for them lol

A NOTP I have with said character: Him and Clover... I won't tag my friend they haven't been active in forever but we've talked about this So Many Times lmao. They really like the two together and whatever good for them but?? I can't?? There was even one time we were on a freaking field trip bus and they were trying to make this pairing make sense and I was absolutely losing my mind. It was a ton of fun lol. Anyways, yeaaah.. she axe murdered him and he called her a stupid bitch while holding a gun, not my definition of romance

A random headcanon: I came up with this literally yesterday or so cause of the whole health thing I had, but like, I can see him giving himself a scar from scratching the syringe mark too much in the aftermath of the first nonary game

General Opinion over said character: Gotta be one of my top comfort characters of all time, no joke, don't wanna give away this bit of my tragic backstory so like, what can I say, seeing this story from his perspective just means a lot to me. The system and general life circumstances were never kind but he was just that stubborn and determined to find a way for their little family of two to be happy again despite all the compromises, like, being the older sibling as well sure helps appreciate some stuff going on there mostly the willingness to commit a crime in retaliation. Also I genuinely love that he's, by his own words, just a secretary and there for support lol

Okay now for the girl boss half of the dynamic duo

Sexuality Headcanon: Idk never thought about it much, she comes across to me like as someone who's not necessarily aroace but will not give a crap about picking a label because she doesn't give a crap about getting in a relationship with, or even paying this kind of attention to anyone that's not her boi™ but who knows when they're not star-crossed anymore how she'd be about it

Gender Headcanon: Nonbinary she/her because idk I get gender vibes from her, I feel like she'd have a lot of gender feelings going on under the surface, like, idk how to explain it. Is it because my hair used to look like that and I used to dress in a lot of baggy purples and blacks? Probaby Love the idea of her weaponizing her inner gender ambiguity with the Zero stuff tho

A ship I have with said character: Junepei, for the soul, it's got so much to it and none of it is straightforward aside from the fact that they have like a bond™ I like all flavors this ship comes in, divorce wins junepei, healthy lovestruck junepei and c-team polycule

A BROTP I have with said character: I think she would be besties with Clover, they'd go shopping and pester the hell out of their big brothers together <3

A NOTP I have with said character: I honestly don't know? I haven't really seen many ships with her that aren't Junepei or super tiny and valid rarepairs... Well I don't like Sigma, some people must ship the two right, don't like it

A random headcanon: Everytime she comes across Junpei or Aoi asleep on some part of their houses she kind of stops for a moment to make sure their chests are going up and down and they're like... alive. If she didn't stare and check then the images she'd have in the corner of her eye would be a bit too bloody. She doesn't tell either of them but abruptly wakes them up from time to time

General Opinion over said character: Here's the thing, I always use the word Ambivalent to describe my opinion on her, like, specifically that word. Not neutral, ambivalent. Contradictory feelings, much like she herself is quite paradoxical. She's absolutely outstanding as a character and though she's the kind of person I know I'd loathe to have to deal with on many levels there are also so many other levels that I like, can relate to her on? Going back and playing through 999 again made me stop and realize that, It's weird, I'd be fully on board with her if her motivations didn't graduate to a generic saving the world plot later on tbh

#also I think her and Aoi should get to have a bit of an argument over continuing to deal with morphogenetic field bullshit #getting justice and saving herself in 999 is something I can read so much healing into #but continuing with this thing they were forced into is an interesting direction that I don't think would have gone without conflict #also PLEASE I love to imagine them hanging out with the Fields after Aoi and Light get together it's such a fun dynamic #the girls would have so much material to make fun of them with #Clover using the emotional blackmail of ''remember that time you kidnapped us'' to get money from Aoi for snacks or some shit #but like. Not doing that to Akane lol #also Clover would be besties with Junpei too beforehand even and Thus IMAGINE THE GOSSIP between them #ah I think that's it #thank u anon for enabling me to talk about the Kurashikis once again it is immensely appreciated #a tag for asks #zero escape

[boomerang109]

If it isn't impertinent to ask, how did you know you were non-binanry? Have you struggled with family or have they been accepting?

as long as you’re asking respectfully and because you’re actually curious, i’m happy to answer questions about any aspect of my identity. (that’s my way of saying you’re not being impertinent at all and everyone should feel free to drop into my inbox whenever they’d like)

also, warning for a long post cause i’m a wordy bitch who doesn’t know how to add a read more on mobile

so my experience is pretty much directly transposed onto aang in chapter 8 of wwda so if you’re asking about my actual thought process, you can kinda visit there. (and it occurred to me later that suki being aang’s first place of comfort could possibly fall into the ‘cis-savior trope,’ but that wasn’t my intention and simply was a reflection of the friend who most helped me with my gender crisis).

i had always known people used they/them pronouns, but i don’t think it was until i was regularly talking to friends who used those pronouns that my brain really comprehended those were an option. and i kinda was there like damn they’re so lucky they have the coolest pronouns and at some point it occurred to me that being jealous of someone’s pronouns probably wasn’t normal. and it’s definitely weird cause I’ve always personally felt that vibe of not being feminine enough OR masculine enough (not being a girly-girl or a tomboy as a kid), but i know as a kid i identified that ‘feeling like i didn’t fit in’ emotion as a sort of ‘girl power’ thing, like “I can wear dresses AND have swords!” (which i still do both, but now i know any gender can do this) whereas now i see it as being not a girl, but who knows. gender is such a social concept, i’m constantly like 🧐 what’s my gender? idfk. but another thing that did help me figure out my identity was my dysphoria (which not everybody experiences!!). i’d always thought it was an ace thing that i hated my chest, cause i didn’t understand why it was sexualized and whatnot. (but now i bind and just !!!! everytime makes me so happy, even though i rarely can cause my lungs are SHIT) but, i think most people are like connected to their bodies? and i very much just am not. that’s part of why it was so easy for me to ignore my identity cause i can put on clothes i HATE and i’ll only think about it if it’s actively uncomfortable or there’s a mirror. otherwise, i am just not aware of my body. i went most of middle school and high school not looking in the mirror and i used to say ‘what i look like is other people’s problem, not mine’ cause y’all have to look at me, i don’t. but i’m just good at ignoring things in general, from gender to sexuality to neurodivergence, i’m so busy pretending to be what i think everybody wants me to be, that i barely know who i am. also for a long time i felt really bad cause i thought i was lowkey transphobic cause i internally would invalidate non-binary identities (but out loud was always very supportive and would be mentally berating myself for being a fake ally) and uhhh. i know am aware that the only things i was transphobic about were the exact things that apply to me, so uhh. that’s just some internalized shit. also my name irl is technically gender neutral and i think i’m much closer to dressing neutral/masculine now, but people still completely identify me as female which kinda sucks. but also I’ve been performing as female for my fam so it kinda works. idk it’s all weird ngl. but the actual answer to your question was i realized it when i was ‘jealous’ of other people’s pronouns (which actually one of my friends did the same thing where they said like ‘oh you’re so lucky you get to be non-binary’ and the person they said that to had to be like, ‘if you want to be non-binary then that probably means you are’ and my friend was like 👀)

family is an interesting question cause i’m not out to them. but i also have my pronouns (they/them) in my Instagram bio and 4 of my 5 siblings are on Instagram, as well as my dad. i don’t think they’ve noticed yet. i’m very lucky in that i know my family would never kick me out or anything drastic (although i did realize that i have a piece of my bank account mentally stored for ‘if i get kicked out and need to figure shit out by myself’ which was just a strange realization) but right when i was considering coming out to my dad, he decided to make jokes about how weird they/them pronouns were. (he saw i was uncomfortable and reminded me, ‘oh, but you know i always support you’ but, i had really bad experiences with both my parents the first times i came out to them as bi and/or ace (even though they both meant well) so it’s just not something i’m looking to repeat). my mom honestly should have figured it out cause i told her about it one day when i was questioning and then refused to talk about it once i realized i was non-binary (i don’t trust her to keep a secret) but instead she just keeps teasing me for being like my one sister whenever i mention shopping for boys clothes. and since that sister was the one who ignored me for most of her teenage years, i don’t really appreciate the comparison. (also i realized that my entire fucking childhood she always always told me how grateful she was that i was a girl cause she’d always wanted a daughter. and without realizing it i think i internalized that and was like ‘yes i’ll make sure to be a daughter for sure’ even though i don’t think i am one)

and so, that was a very long way of saying, it’ll be a big blow up when i come out to my fam so i’m avoiding it (even though that means getting misgendered allll summer) as long as i can, but i do know it’ll be okay cause my family always means well underneath all the bs

but i have had a really positive time with my friends. it’s hard at university cause people will still call me she/her and i don’t have the courage to correct them, but my two friends both use she/they so they’re obviously good about it. and i got one of my friends at home to tell a bunch of my high school teachers for me cause she was emailing them and mentioned me and i was kinda like ‘hey one less coming out for me’ which was nice. and i told two other friends right before i left and they literally clapped (which i felt like was a very awkward reaction ngl, but it was nice). and one of those two kept accidentally calling me she, but would apologize when i corrected her. also i think that friend might be using she/they pronouns now too, so idk if that’s another example of me transing my friends’ genders (as i did to clara😉) or just the fact that queers find each other

i don’t know if you wanted this much detail, but i’m not really one for being concise lmao. if you were asking just out of curiosity i think i probably fulfilled that, but if you’re questioning or anything (or just curious, that’s cool too), feel free to ask more questions. i cant promise i’ll answer as quickly as i did this (cause i’m about to go pack b/c tmrw we’re going to visit my sister and her baby ☺️ so i’ll be busy prolly) but i’ll answer eventually

i hope this was helpful and/or enjoyable? if anyone actually read all of it ahdhdjsk

#long post #ask a boomerang #grace tag #boom stop using tags as an excuse to stay in bed. it’s time to paack #WHAT THE FUCK THAT JUST POPPED UP AND THATS WHAT IM DOING RN NO FAIR #tumblr how dare you call me out for being predictable #i literally don’t even travel much cause we’re in a literal pandemic yet apparently everytime i do. I procrastinate packing

[flashfuture]

What is being a history major like? Honestly i saw your post about your final essay and I'm just curious ngl, like I'm an engineering major that goes to a tech school and our humanities department is uhhhhhh lacking lmaooo. Our school like doesnt have a ton of humanities requirements (i had to take 3 humanities classes total cuz AP credits). I literally just sit around and do math all day, as do like everyone i know at the school (except for my one friend who does game design stuff). Idk i took Sociology and a class about Infrastructures but like what is the average history class like. (You don't have to answer if this is too personal or reveals information that would allow people to know/locate your college I've been on tumblr for like 3 months and have no idea what is and isn't acceptable to ask :D that's right folks I came after the porn ban).

pshshsh what a weird time to join Tumblr

No no it’s all good. I go to a Liberal Arts college so it is more humanities-focused. But there is also some science-y stuff. I was gonna do Genetics actually I am quite good at science but I don’t have the patience for math it doesn’t come easily and I am too lazy to try skks

So I am double majoring in Classics and Archeolgical Anthropology as well as double minoring in Art History and Queer Studies. 

So for me it’s all history all the time. Each class sort of focuses in on niche things. Cause Classics is Ancient Greek of Roman studies but that’s a massive time period. So we focus on specific angles of study. Such as what Ancient Sexuality and Gender was in each area and how it evolved. 

It’s a lot a lot of readings of as much stuff as we can find. I also have to take Ancient Greek and Latin so we translate and lot of primary sources. Plato is really funny but no one realizes the Ancient Greeks essentially had symbols for /j and /s but they weren’t translated so we think Plato was being serious the whole time. And the Romans were so vulgar it’s funny I got to put face fuck in an actual paper. 

Art history is fun because art is also really really funny and no one wants to talk about it. Like when everyone used to be drawn as rabbits and frogs those were basically political cartoons bashing the shit out of people. 

Queer studies means everytime I see someone complain about the word Queer I want to shove books and essays down their throats. Like just read some Cathy Cohen babes and you’ll calm down. 

For me history is super easy because it’s like a story. I can remember the people and the dates and the important events super easily. 

So it’s me sitting around with my friends discussing social reform theories and translating ancient greek while making fun of the Greek Gods for being disasters and being fascinated over ancient graffiti. Plus a healthy dose of ranting about how the British and Nazis ruined the Vikings and how they were so much cooler than people think

I’m planning on living out my Indiana Jones dreams of making no money and playing in dirt. 

[rainbowdoom32]

So I'm going to start identifying myself as aspec. Previously I identified as a bisexual aromantic but upon furthur consideration I might be asexual.

I'm posting about this b/c 1) it puts it out there and makes the lable feel more real and tangible

2) I know some of y'all IRL or on a personal enough basis that I feel you should know

3) A queers need more visibilty in gen

4) cause I want to talk abouy it

So Idk how to do a read more and am on mobile so if you dont want to hear about what being aspec means to me start scrolling now

So. In the aspec community (do we have a better word?) theres an overwhelming discourse about sexual and romantic repulsion. For those of you who dont know thats when the idea of sex , sexual content, sex itself, the idea of romance, romantic gestures, and/or romantic content acts as a squick for you it creates some spectrum of a revulsion in you to be confronted with one or more of these things. Its an overwhelming discourse for many reasons but the one I want to talk about is that it makes it obvious that your ace or aro if your repulsed by sex or romance. The process for discovering your aspec identity is easier in a way, specifically in a way it isnt for me.

See I dont experience sexual or romantic repulsion. I like romance stories and porn. I actively seek these things out. I'm not put off by discussions of others romantic or sexual lives (specific aspects may repulse me but in general I'm interested in these especially when coming from people I care about). So naturally as a teenager I never considered myself as aspec. i considered myself bisexual almost immediatly (there was a thing where I thought I was tricking myself into thinking I liked women to be included in the queer community. More on that later) it took two very short very middle school esque (one took place my sophmore year) relationships and an accidental internet encounter with the concept of aromantisim for me to realise that the reason this wasnt working for me was because I didnt really want it.

The more I thought of myself as aro the more things made sense. At the slumber parties as a kid I never had a crush to confess. Those two failed relationshios? Guy friends I'd gotten real close to and thought my new stronger friendship feelings must be what romantic attraction feels like. Also the real sticker, I dont get jealousy in romance at all. Like that one goes over my head. I dont understand why cheating is the worst thing someone can do in a relationship to the point that people who've been sucked into a cycle of abuse and have become convinced everything is their fault will snap when they discover they were cheated on. That is absolutly mind boggling for me.

The point of that is I never got that ew ick romance feeling. As a reult the road to discovering I was aromantic was long and and full of doubt. Doubt that went along the lines of "Maybe I just havent found the right person". Which also happens to be the exact thing my mum says to me everytime I try to explain that Im aromantic to her. Bisexuality she understands and accepts. This she doesnt. So even though I know intellectually theres no right person for me that niggling doubt remains andit haunts me.

Now im going to devolve a bit here and I know what this sounds like but im seriously not trying to be offensive just explain something

See I read a fanfic recently. I dont remeber how I found it but it was a Stony fic and the story and the set up were very romantic cliche. Basically Steve was Tony's booty call it evolves to friends with benefits Steve falls in love. Textbook stuff. But see theres a wrench because the author identifies as aromantic is with the definition we have aromantic. They write their identity onto Tony. Thats something we do in fanfic and in writing. But the problem I ran into is this: the author identifies as aromantic because they experience romantic repulsion(yes they told me this) so in the fic Tony is in love with Steve but experiences romantic repulsion. The idea of romance of romantic commitment makes him anxious and sick. This is how the author feels FWB allows them to experience intimacy without triggering their repulsion. Identifying as atomantic makes them feel not broken. This so good right? This is why we have labels

Except. When I read this part of the story it hurt me. Directly. See Tong Stark has Daddy Issues. Ehen the author wrote about Tony's romantic repulsion narritevly they tied it into Tony's not nice childhood. I dont know specifically why it wasnt part of thwir explanation when I told them their story hurt me. I didnt ask. But this narritive decision made what was essentially was an author expressing their experience as an aromantic in a story feel like a personal attack against my aromantic identity.

See when I read that what I read was "Tony Stark cant commit to an actual relationship with Steve Rogers because Howard Starks Grade A parenting fucked up his ability to recieve expressions of love and his ability to commit. Tony Stark is in romantic love with Steve Rogers but his childhood trauma prevents him from expresing it in the traditional manner this is what being aromantic is"

That hurt. Because it hit that little doubt in my head about not having met the "right person" and mixed it up with some childhood trauma made you a broken person. It also hit me while I felt safe. Romance stories are my escapism. Their like an extra element of fantasy in a story for me. I specifically seek out romantic stories as a comforting mechanism. Fanfics in particular because of their inclusivity. I was in my safe space, and I was whammed in a sore spot.

The problem is though the author has a right to that story and that label and to express themselves. We usually draw the line at self expression where it hurts other people but thats not what happened here. What happened here was definitial confusion. The author and I were using "aromantic" to describe two different but similar romantic orientations. In doing so we hurt each other ironically in the same way. We both said to each other "Your identity is wrong and toxic you hurt people and yourself by expressing it the way you do". (I left a comment saying how her story affected me)

When I say I'm aromantic I mean I experience no romantic feelings. None nada zilch. The idea that I might one day experience a type of romantic feeling is an aggression against me. The same way the idea that gay people can choose to be straight is an aggression against being gay.

But I can't invalidate someone else to protect myself. What do I do? I dont want to hurt myself and I dont want to hurt other people? Idk

And now to why I no longer identify as bisexual.

I'm a virgin. Because most peoples first time is with someone their in a romantic relationship with. And we'll I dont do that. Im also a socially anxious person. I have no idea how to instogate a sexual encounter and honeslty I wouldnt feel comftorable dping it with someone I couldnt trust or alternatively someone I'm friends with and would have to continue being juat friends with in post we had sex awkwardness. So ive never had an opportunity to have sex.

But I also havent sought them out. And I dont feel particularly driven to. These are reasons to think your asexual but I'm sure it's also the experience of many introverted and secually awkawrd people. And it's not like I couldnt have sex at some future point. Even now if an opportunity arose I might say yes, of only to confirm my asexuality.

The thing that has made me actually consider if I'm ace tho is a weird quirk of mine. I cant get off to prom videos. I use lit erotica. Why? Cause the idea that those are real live people puts me off. Porn stars and amateur porn makers know people get off watching their videos. Theyre okay with that. But I'm not. At all. Thats a big ol nope for me.

See I'm a ciswoman. Which means I have a clitoris. An organ whose only purpose is to provide pleasure. As everyone knows reciving pleasure via the clit requires no participation by a second person. The fact that my clitiros functions as intended and that I use it isnt sexual attraction.

Thats a new idea for me. But it's true isnt it? Sexual attraction is about other people. And sure I can appreciate other people's hotness. But just because I think a horse is pretty doesnt mean I want to fuck it. Remeber that thing about thinking I was faking bisexuality?? I was right. I wasnt sexually attracted to women. But what I hadnt bothered to consider because of heteronormativity was that I wasnt sexually attracted to men either.

Other fun fact in case you might be an ace person who's read this far (why? Also hi Katie and possibly Sadie but definelty Nishat. No im not implying any of you are ace) I dont have sex dreams. But I do have dreams in which I masturbate. So stick that jn your pipe and smoke it.

Anyways these are all experinces that I have that I feel neccessry to share to make it so the repulsion story isnt the only one out there. And also to start a discourse about how experiencing and not experiencing repulsion affect aspec experience. Thanks for reading!

#aro #ace #aromantic #aromantism #asexuality #aspec #lgbt #lgbtqa

[theonlygardener]

I told my counselor yesterday about how angry I am at you sometimes. How angry I am that you just... get away with everything. How angry I am that when I finally stood up for myself and told you to get out and wanted you just gone finally, you refused. Despite that you have the ability, the opportunity, the money, the support. Despite that I’m disabled and literally unable to go anywhere. Angry about the fact that you had the nerve to tell me to leave under those conditions. 

Angry about what you probably tell yourself and others so that you can sleep at night, that you probably leave out the drug use, you probably leave out the fact that you already had one foot into another relationship before even working up the balls to tell me you didn’t want to be with me. That in fact you never worked up the balls, you tried to keep me strung along as far as you could, and you made me make the hard choices you were too willfully weak to make, You probably leave out the fact that you hit me square enough and hard enough to give me a concussion and make me spin around and hit the ground. That you hit me hard enough that my ears were still ringing and I was still getting headaches for a week and a half afterward, if not longer, because it turns out I could have had MS the whole time you were making me feel like shit for being chronically ill, and who knows what damage is where. You probably leave out the fact that it took three people thirty minutes to find my glasses after you hit me. So that you can sleep at night. And so that you feel valid in targeting that new girl you started on before you even gave me a chance to catch my breath and wake the fuck up from the nightmare of loving you. 

I told her how angry it makes me sometimes. That the people who raised you and that you ran to and that now surround you reinforce this worldview. And that the whole time they were abusing you, and me by association whenever I chose to be around them, finally got into your head and convinced you that I was an enemy. Not christian enough. Not straight enough. Not abled enough. Not monoamorous enough. Because now it serves you to believe them, now it gives you the advantage of getting away with all of it. It makes me angry that 6 years of loving you full stop still wasn’t enough to even make you think for like half of a second that maybe turning into your worst influences in life wasn’t good for either of us, but especially you. 

Because when I told her how angry I get sometimes, she pointed out a thing which I often remind myself of - that you’re not gonna live a happy life. And she’s right. You hate yourself so much for your own disability that it stained me. It stained me with blood and near starvation. You have a miserable conservative abusive wanna be white trash family. You have a miserable boring useless capitalistic $14 an hr job that introduced you to drugs. And you’re going to get into miserable relationships where neither you nor your partners can be themselves, targeting them at work like you targeted me, because being forced to be around someone for eight hours is somehow relationship material, and you’ll hate each other for it. Because that’s not who I was and you “couldn’t handle it”. What you can handle, is a pis poor miserable excuse for life. And I told my counselor I know this logically, but I still feel angry sometimes. And she said that was valid. 

I had a dream last night, dreamlike in it’s silliness. But we were in the same home again, idk if we were together though I hope not because that’s not what I want. And we were doing the same activities separately, and I passed by you unexpectedly and you said “wait why don’t you come do that with me? Together?”. And the conversation we had was much like the ones we had shortly before you told me about the girl you’re targeting now, it was much like “well I don’t trust you and it takes time to build that trust”, because, as much as I laugh to keep from crying now, even right up until the end I forced myself to try to trust you by any measure, when you asked. I would literally shake uncontrollably, and cry, and feel like screaming and disappearing and not feeling anything anymore, anytime I got into the car with you. I haven’t felt that since the last time I was severely abused. I don’t even experience that anymore with my mom, my first abuser. You hurt me a lot and I let it keep coming, and I let you convince me to think I just needed to let you in again and again, by degrees, repeatedly. And everytime, you let me down. And in this dream I told you that you just hurt me too much and I didn’t trust you. I let it all go and I said I did everything I possibly could and tried my hardest to be what we needed to keep our relationship, I did everything you didn’t do. And you said “I’m sorry, I just didn’t think I could handle it”.

I woke up. I know the implication. You didn’t think you could handle my being disabled and queer. 

And I felt.... sad but release. Because buddy, it’s not just a matter of me not trusting you, I don’t love you anymore. There’s nothing lost on my end if there’s nothing to be gained. Because there’s no rebuilding of anything. That’s something you lost, lost lost, that is gone forever and there’s no recuperating it at all ever. You don’t get anymore chances. I don’t ever want to know you or be close to you again. You’re disease, no one wants that, when they find out who you really are. You’re the bubonic plague and aids of trauma rolled into one life altering package.  

And the fact that you think you couldn’t handle me, couldn’t handle my disability or queerness. That’s..... sad. Unfortunate and pathetic. And it’s your problem of a misconception. Not mine. Not anymore. Because if you can’t handle the human and honest and fragile sides of me then you can’t handle your own. I mean. That’s no surprise to me, I was with you for 6 years. I’ve seen the fact that you can’t handle yourself with my own eyes. I watched your parents drill into you again and again a lack of awareness and compassion. But you still don’t and probably never will see that how you treated me was such a mirror. The fact that you just think that’s how it is and that you just weren’t capable - like it’s the reason you abused me rather than an excuse, like you just weren’t capable of anything but abuse. Pathetic. 

And it doesn’t deviate from your pattern either, because you loved to blame your autism and trained me to parrot you and blame your autism too. When the fact is that I’m autistic too, so are many of my friends, and I’ve always been apparently more “capable” of the care that your “weren’t”. Even when you told me that the only thing stopping you from approaching your new target was autism (ouch), the first thing I did was tell you that that’s not a good enough reason because if someone turns you down for that then you deserve better anyways. The second thing I did was to realize that you just didn’t love me anymore and were replacing me, and lying about it. Finally, realizing that, still came second to supporting you. And you just are not good enough for me, put simply, to not be as caring as I am. And my friends have been very supportive, and given me the time of day and let me find strength in them the way you did maybe three times throughout 6 years. We’re not that different in disability than you. But we’re very different in how we love. And you’re not. good. enough. for. me. And not because you’re autistic, though I’m sure you love to blame that and probably even straight faced lie and tell people that’s why we’re not together anymore, because not loving you for something like that would be immense self-hate. But, oh, wait, that’s what you do. So you should know that.

You said as much when I finally left, you said you became resentful, hurtful (abusive), and replaced me because I “needed too much” (am disabled). You made that conclusion yourself because you were so intent on being innocent. But your disability excuses your abuse according to you, according to you none of the support I gave you was worth shit. You ended up treating me the way your abusers treated both of us, and that’s who you are and who you’ve always been and probably who you’ll always be. It just took one too many marks against me for you to finally show it openly. Pathetic. 

I’m not christian, not at all, and not enough for you. But I pray for your drug addiction and the self-hate that will make your life the same hell you made mine. I’m just not praying to your god, or possibly a god at all. And only once. Because the rest of my energy from now on is going to me. Just enough to rub salt in the wound of the karma you’re making for yourself, and to continue to be the better person you parade as with your weekly church attendance, but aren’t really.

You’ve never been worthy of my love. You’re not worth my time. I’m starting to think you’re not worth my anger. 

#abuse tw #physical abuse tw #trauma #drugs tw