#idk who to tag anymore :/ idk how to tag edits lol

[diantos]

Juliette hearteyes Nichols

Silo 1.02 (2023-) ↪ Holston’s Pick

#Rebecca Ferguson #rfergusonedit #rebeccafergusonedit #silo #siloedit #dailywomen #m!lfsource #juliette nichols #My edit #i love her so much ur honor #it's been forever since i posted an edit of her #since i posted an edit in general lol #idk how tags work anymore and who to tag really #so fuck it if this gets 5 notes i got my main queen back on my blog again

[criminal-sen]

Petition for artists to stop calling their art 'sketches' and 'doodles' unless it's actually a sketch (quick, unfinished pencil on paper or the digital equivalent). It probably sounds like I'm kidding but I'm genuinely not; as an artist who used to tag lots of stuff this way, I thought it was a humble way of saying 'eh it's not that great' but then I'd turn around and see some artist whose skill is WAY out of my league saying the same shit about their gorgeous, full color art. And whether or not the intent is self depreciating (which is bad in itself), the takeaway I'd always get is 'this was easy and I didn't spend very much time on it'. Cuz that's what a sketch IS, it's something low effort and unfinished. And not to sound salty but it's a bit of a 'fuck you' to people at lower skill levels who would probably chop off a limb to turn out something that good. It then slowly dawned on me that I must be the 'fuck you'-er to some people, cuz we're all our own worst critics and I know some people really do like my art, regardless of how I might feel about it.

Anyway I highly doubt anyone's intentions are really 'fuck you', I'm sure yr all doing it for similar reasons as mine were, but it's a bit hurtful and disheartening nonetheless. If you put effort into your piece, be proud of it! Otherwise ppl are gonna think 'wow if THIS is just a doodle, what the hell am I even doing?'

Edit: hi hello, idk if anyone's gonna see this edit bc that's not how rbing works on this hellsite but I uh.. don't really agree with this sentiment anymore lol. Like yes, I do find it annoying and I do think artists should take more pride in their work but like. Getting upset everytime you see 'sketch' etc is just a shitty way to live yr life. I've been trying to get over it with mixed results but my point is, don't get mad at artists for tagging their shit a certain way please and thank you😭🙏

#i turned off rbs cuz i no longer agree with this (as stated lol) #and cuz the unedited version was starting to gain traction which meant i was explaining myself.. repeatedly.. #..to ppl who justifiably disagreed w it

[sophfandoms53]

Okay time to get sappy a week after the finale LMAOO

As always, The Tag is my favorite part of the season and if we get good feeds along with it? A feast. And a majority of this season was like that, and I shall highlight some of my favorite memories from throughout the season and the tag that I will always be thinking about in years to come

- This is the funniest one for me, but us being locked out of the tag during reilly’s eviction and how we discovered that just minutes before the episode started, but that didn’t stop us from live blogging anyway LMAOO.

- And then they had the AUDACITY to announce the pressure cooker was finally coming back the following week and we couldn’t even properly celebrate together so we were all just screaming into the void😭 (or the nether region lol)

- That random vegan person who dropped the season bc Felicia asked for real butter lmao??

- Omg that chipmunk account we all thought was ohthecleverness and y’all called it the squeakuel and i think this person vanished from the tag

- GOING BACK TO THE PRESSURE COOKER, THE FEEDS THAT NIGHT??? Immaculate.

- It was magic to watch that in real time with each other. The shock we were in that the hgs broke an hour and then come to find out they almost broke the original record by mere MINUTES.

- The panic every time someone we liked dropped. The collective “CORY NO”’s live rent free to me.

- Us STRESSING so badly when Cameron wouldn’t let go and then America threw it to him😭 truly was magic tho

- Watching Cory go from someone the tag tolerated to being the IT boy of the season and the tag, iconic, that speech and debate boy had those hgs clawing walls

- Cory shutting down any misogynistic or problematic comment from anyone (the 21 turned 22 year old being the most responsible person this season should be studied)

- Corswhores that’s it LMAOO

- Cory suffering from the second juror curse

- America truly being one of us

- Cirie a queen to watch live

-omg that time Cirie said “I ain’t never played with people this stupid before.” SHE WAS AHEAD OF HER TIME

-Izzy deserved sm better from the edit, you could not escape this girl on the feeds

-The episode edits sucking for a vast majority of the season and for the houseguests (i swear i’ve never seen a season’s edit and its feeds be completely different from each other before how tf did that happen)

- Our collective hatred for the multiverse twist

- FUCKING BOWIE JANE

- Everything about Felicia really, the FBJ remix, her and Mr B (smooches), even tho she was pawned all summer watching her game was so fun

- HISAM ROBBED KING BUT HE SAVED US FROM THE REILLY CULT

- Us being split just like the house during the Izzy flip (we managed to stay more civil than twitter ever did, as we should)

- AND HOW COULD I FORGET THE JARED AND CORY FIGHT IN THE HAVE NOT ROOM???

- Two hours of Jared forcing everyone to go in circles, Cory reaching his limit, Jag coming in, Cirie coming in, Bowie just sitting there

-“Who the fuck is for real for real???”

- This exchange kills me everytime idk why

Cory: You also told me seven deadly sins was fake.

Jared: Who THE FUCK told you that???

Cory: YOU DID.

Jared: You wanna know why I told you that?

- Jared’s “YOU must’ve misunderstood.” about Matt, and then Cory’s immediate “WHOA, WHOA, NO.” Lives rent free

- “Jared, you have been yelling for forty minutes.”

- That gif of Cirie face palming as she listened to her son completely obliterate their games

- Cory’s face palm image

- This happening on a hot dog bed

- Mecole, America, and Blue all getting ready downstairs while this was transpiring upstairs LMAO

- I can literally quote and go on about this fight for hours, and im so mad i cant go back and watch the unedited version anymore (UPDATE SOMEONE UPLOADED IT ON YOUTUBE LETS GO)

- Y’all remember that assignment i did about this fight? Not only did i get a perfect score but i also got a bonus point and my prof wrote a note that i was so descriptive he wanted to watch LMAO

- The post season being less chaotic than the actual season is such a funny ending

-everyone joining cameo???

- And lastly, How did your game change for, I’m gonna say the better, when you joined the Mafia with Matt and I :D

Alright all of that highlighted, despite the chaos and the exhaustion of this 100 day season (BB gods never do this to us again oh my god) it’s been such a pleasure to open up the tag and read my morning newspaper the last three months LMAOO.

This has been the most active I’ve been in the tag thus far and with a season this all over place, it was a trip. But, truthfully, I’d do it again. You guys always make all the nonsense worth it because despite the different sides we’ve been on all season, we know this show is a train wreck and that our real enemy is always production 😭

Thank you guys again for such a lovely community these past few months, and we shall be back in few weeks tragically 🥲🫡💙

#its been quite a season 😭 #despite its mediocre ending #it was fun mostly #and thank y’all for that #love you all through all the insanity fr #bb25 #bbrg #this is the new tag right LMAOO

[thinkingaboutfilm11]

GRACE F1 LORE

Thanks for tagging me @wisteria-wisteria <3

1. Who or what got you into F1?

Basic bitch answer but my dad. He was a big fan, and his dad was a fan. I was plonked infront of the TV to watch it as a kid, and grew up never missing a race. That was until Sky Sports braught it off chanel 4, and now my family can't afford to watch it anymore. I have to pirate it now coz I AINT PAYING 50 A MONTH go fuck yourself Sky Sports.

2.Who was the very first F1 driver you supported? Do you support them now? Have your opinions on them differed or stayed the same since then?

Probably Lewis? Or Jenson? I was (still am) a Mclaren fan as a kid, and my dad always cheered on English drivers, so I just copied him. I still love them both now, my opinions havn't changed on them at all!

3.Who’s your current favourite F1 driver?

Current grid? Probably Max, Fernando or Oscar. They are all so so talented, it's just a pivalidge to watch them drive. I think they're all really funny in their own ways too.

My favourite driver ever? Senna, obviously. Or Prost.... Can't ever pick.

4.Is there a driver pairing or pairings you support? What made you attracted to that pairing in the first place?

I support all and any pairings. F1 RPF in all forms is delicious thankyou. My faves are: Prost X Senna, Carlos X Lando, Max X Charles, Peroni X Villeneuve, George X alex, Mika X Michael, and Nigel X Elio.

The only ship I don't really vibe with is Pierre X Charles? Like idk I just don't feel it. But I'll still read it so lol

5. Do your parents, siblings or relatives have a favourite team and/or favourite driver(s)?

My dad supports Mclaren same as me. My sister isn't really into it? She finds charles hot and will watch edits of him but shes never watched a race or really gives a shit about the actual driving. Shes here for the thirst traps and Ferrari merchandise and I respect that so much.

6. Do you have any favourite races? Are there any that stand out to you the most?

Dallas, Texas 1984. What a fucking shit show. Absolute comedy sketch. Everything about that dumb race is so funny to me.

7. Do you have a favourite circuit? Can be from the past or from the current calendar.

Hungaroing! It was the first F1 race I ever attended, and the joy I get out of watching it and screaming 'IVE BEEN THERE IVE BEEN THERE' never leaves. The first race in person was special, so hungaoring is special now too.

8. Have you ever been to an F1 race in real life? Feel free to tell us your experience going to one if you like

Yes. And I don't know why but I was so shocked at how friendly everyone was. I think I was expecting it to be like football, but everyone got along so well no matter the teams ect. I always get general admission now, because its so much fun to sit and make new friends with other F1 freaks!!! Everyone shares food, alcohol, blankets, brollies ect- its alwaus such a good atmosphere at everywhere I've been.

9. Have you ever met an F1 driver in real life?

Yes. Seb and Jenson. In the same day. I nearly exploded, but actually managed to come off very normal and composed.

10. Do you have a favourite F1 car? If so, what is it?

McLaren MP4/4 1988.

LOOK AT IT

The details, the colours, the absoulte perfection of the livery, and of course the V8 underneath that gave way to MCAREN DOMINATION. Shes perfect.

11. Do you have a favourite one win wonder?

Gerhard Berger or charles.

12. Do you have any favourite quotes from the F1 world? This can either be inspirational or hilarious.

Anything that comes out of Alain Prost's mouth. That man should be a fucking poet. Also- "I'm cuming on your camera mate" hahah

I tag @astirian , @bluesourkiwi , @kimizilla , @whobuilthemoon , @penseesauvageand @eliorosb3rg. Or whoever wants to do itttt love u all

#personal

[potential-fate]

Get to know you- Sims Style

I was tagged by @simbury

What’s your favorite Sims death? -- I find it incredibly entertaining that sims can spontaneously combust if they get too warm.

Alpha CC or Maxis Match? -- mix, but ig it leans towards realism nowadays.

Do you cheat your sims weight? -- not that I can think of. sometimes if I am shooting a specific scene and they weren't that shape at the time. but not during gameplay.

Do you move objects? -- absolutely. I'm incapable of decorating without moveobjects on honestly.

Favorite Mod? -- uhm... I guess the 3t2 traits project or ACR/Romantic Standards.

First Expansion/Game Pack/Stuff Pack? -- I have been playing ts2 since it literally came out, so my first ep was whichever one came out first. I think that was Uni? but in spirit of the question, for sims 4 I only bothered downloading the game when they came out with cottage living lol.

Do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing? -- aLIVE. my brain always said essentially like a movie set "and we're live!" so.

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? -- Evren Thorne (who you're more likely to see in @luverofralts or @nappe-plays-the-sims game than mine) because he's not story relevant yet, or (much to everyone's chagrin) Callum

Have you made a simself? -- at some point far in the past, yes. I do not have that sim anymore, and I probably wouldn't do it again, but yk. I was also 11 when I started playing this game, so of course I made a digital barbie of myself. (not to say it's childish to do in and of itself, but that it's definitely something that every child tends to do)

Which is your favorite EA hair color? -- since ts2 only has 4, I'm going to assume this was more ts4 centric. in which case I like the neutral blonde/light blonde colors (the two that are less yellow)

Favorite EA hair? -- eh. for ts2 I wouldn't use any of them. for ts4... the mullet thing from werewolves? ig.

Favorite life stage? -- teens or young adults. (I think I may be the only person I know how actively likes Uni for ts2 the most lmao)

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? -- oh. both. depends on my mood.

Are you a CC creator? -- yeeeup. recreationally though. (read: with no real consistency.)

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad? -- I feel like I do lmao. I at least hope they feel the same LOL.

Do you have any sims merch? -- I now have a gameplay guide for the original Sims game lol. but I think that's all I own.

Do you have a YouTube for sims? -- nope. I uh... don't like watching gameplay videos, and sims machinema is way too time consuming to make so I do not.

How has your “Sims style” changed throughout your years of playing? -- oh gosh. I was one of those edgy emo kids so it was a lot of grunge and dyed hair and bright makeup. I've honestly been leaning a bit more towards that style again though so....

Who’s your favorite CC creator? -- depends on what I'm looking for. tbh a LOT of the CC I have now is older stuff that I just still like. but anyone who isn't exclusively making 4t2 stuff is probably someone I've downloaded from.

How long have you had Simblr? -- technically this blog since January 1st 2020. that being said, I moved from LJ to simblr in like.... idk, 2012? whenever that great migration happened.

How do you edit your pictures? -- a lot of photoshop. color correction, a slight film grain at the very least. most times I also do aesthetic edits to hide clipping, and add painted hair strands nowadays. if I can't get an emotion right for a screenshot, I edit those too.

What expansion/ gamepack is your favorite? -- for ts2 I really don't think I could pick one. the problem is I use like 90% of them for SOMETHING gameplay wise, even if I don't use the main function. ie: I love the chemistry/attraction from nightlife, even though the whole downtown thing is frankly annoying sometimes (do YOU WANT TO GO DOWNTOWN? no, random townie I do not. ) But, seeing as I listed it earlier, I guess university.

Tagging uhm.... @rebouks, @pralinesims, @luverofralts, and @nappe-plays-the-sims

#my posts #tag game

[koinotame]

\o/

hi! it's me, nana / koinotame!

if you're wondering why i went inactive and then deleted, my mental health kind of (really) tanked... and i ended up deleting my blog in a fit.

it's getting better bit by bit though! and i've been wanting to get back into writing (and talking abt my unhinged/yan ideas i can't really talk to anyone else abt), so. here i am! for now, at least

as for my previously posted writing, there's some good news and some bad news: the bad news is that everything i wrote directly into tumblr (99% of snippets, a lot of ask answers, most exact content warnings, etc) is gone. the slightly less bad news is that iirc there were very very few posts of mine that weren't reblogged by anyone at all, so they're probably still out there? feel free to send them my way if you find any and i'll rb them. @/midnight-remembrance also has reblogged a couple of them! there's a couple snippets i have saved in some places, so i might repost those on my own as i find them, but there's very few of those. the good news is that anything longer (proper writing — oneshots, hcs, yan alphabet responses and so on, prompt responses, etc) is safely backed up where i originally wrote it! some of it is also on my ao3, which is the same username. feel free to send me asks about any you'd like to see again and i'll repost them! i might not post them if i feel too embarrassed about/wish i hadn't posted them, and i might rewrite/heavily edit some of them, but i think there's only a handful that fall into the former category and none of them were particularly popular. either way, no harm in asking!

as for some other updates: i'm a little divided on whether i want to keep posting explicit nsfw or not so we'll see. i might just keep it out of main tags. idk yet. regardless of what decision i make, this blog is still strictly 18+ and that will not be changing. since we can reply from sideblogs now, this is a sideblog and not my main now. why? sometimes i prefer to check up on a blog frequently instead of following them for a couple of reasons, but this felt very awkward when they were following me. so this being a sideblog relieves a bit of that stress. if this makes it sound like i have severe brain worms, it's because i do. to that effect though, if we interact every so often feel free to consider us mutuals regardless of whether or not i'm actually following you =w=b tbh i.............. am not really into genshin anymore. i might post about it here and there but i just Do Not (really) Care about it anymore. scara aside to some degree i also have no clue what's going on post inazuma lol whatever projects or commitments to writing or etc i had made beforehand. i forgot all of them so just pretend that never happened ok? ok i'll also probably be posting more sparsely, but we'll see! and (this is obviously the most important bit) i have no clue where i put the mika edit so we're back to my og classic pfp. the header scales terribly and is temporary, please ignore that too

all that aside, as a treat for anyone who sees this in time,

*roughly 6/22 done, but fairly quick to write. roughly one paragraph per character (sneak peek line: "it's not too hard to be discreet with his unique magic when someone really deserves to fall face down a flight of stairs. or three. oopsie. odd they don't remember it, huh? well, he had nothing to do with that.") **more realistic isn't quite the right word(s)... probably won't post this one to the main tags regardless. won't be doing all of the characters (only important/relevant ones) and won't be writing more about/expanding on, so this one is just like. a one off experiment sort of thing. overall less violent than most takes on the au + leans a bit (or lot, depending on how you look at it) more on the religious aspect of self aware aus. i wrote a couple paragraphs a while ago, then rewrote them, but i'll only finish/post them if there's interest for it (sneak peek line: "aether has deluded himself and cast You aside entirely on his own—and when You finally grace them with Your real presence, zhongli is certain aether will be the first to fall from Your grace.")

i have one other new thing immediately ready for posting that'll get posted in a couple of days but that one's pretty silly

#koinotame #and hi to the three people that found this blog before i posted this o/ #long post #i ended up writing a lot. ehem. #<- the type to always have trouble getting essays down to the max word limit #if nobody ends up seeing this. well. it'll be here still when i post some actual writing #q

[sarah-sandwich]

on ao3 I always see people doing challenges... how do you join challenges?

-someone who wants to try a challenge

Daaahhh okay so I haven't participated in fandom challenges in years. Back in my day we had bangs (themed collab events between writers and artists they were awesome but also led to my 18 month burn out so watch out) but I don't see those anymore :( Might be because I don't write for spn anymore? Not sure what happened there. But I do see some challenges float across my dash sometimes.

There are a lot of bingo ones. Tbh idk where those come from lol They just sort of show up? I think people just make them and some get traction and others don't. You can try searching *keyword* bingo and see what comes up but I can't help you beyond that, sorry.

Challenges pretty much always have a recurring theme and timeline and hopefully a dedicated blog where the mods post prompts, FAQs, and rules. Like the sicktember challenge is a month long hurt/comfort prompt event that takes place in September. They already have their 2023 prompt list up so you can check that out as well as the linked FAQ and how to submit if you're interested in participating in that one (or if you just want to get a feel for how these things typically work).

Each challenge kind of operates in its own way with specific rules on what they allow in story submissions so be sure to give the rules a read before you sign up, but generally you get a list of prompts and have a certain deadline to finish writing and then post it on tumblr using the specified tags, or post on AO3 and add it to the specified challenge collection, or both! Again, whatever challenge you're interested in should have all of that spelled out for you on their blog. If you're iffy on the details you should be able to submit an ask with questions.

If you've seen a challenge you want to participate in on ao3 then you can try searching for it here on tumblr and hopefully find a blog for it, or you can comment on a fic that's part of the challenge and (compliment the fic first) ask how you can get in involved and where to go to find out more information.

If all else fails you can search "writing challenge" on tumblr and wade through the results until you find something that looks interesting, but keep in mind challenges tend to be seasonal so you'll see very different results searching now as opposed to December as opposed to February etc etc.

I have a tendency to follow challenge blogs that look interesting as they pop up on my dash (even though I know I'll likely never participate, I'm just nosy 😅, I wanna know what everyone's up to). Let me take a gander through my following list and see what all I've got...

@flufftober @whumptober @sicktember @shortfictionweeklychallenge @writeblrsummerfest @nanowrimo @ockissweek @webpril @spideypoolbigbang <- a bang!! @marvelartparty <- art only @parknerweek @flashfictionfridayofficial

That's everything from me. Does anyone else have any writing challenge blogs they could share?

Editing to add @marvel-events-central from the replies (look at all the good shit in that there blog 👀)

#writing challenge #resources #writeblr #writing community #i feel like i always go overboard when i get questions like this but here we are

[loosiap]

sims tag game

Thank you for tagging me @letomills ♡♡♡ It’s really kind of you to think about me (˶ > ᴗ < ) It’s sims tag game so I’m posting it on this blog instead of my messy main I hope it’s ok with you, I enjoyed reading your answers to this 

1. What’s your favourite sims death?

I’m a big fan of cowplant!

2. Alpha CC or Maxis Match?

Maxis mix leaning strongly towards MM

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight?

Hmm maybe when I was a kid? I remember not liking my male sims to be “fat” as I did not wanted them to have beer belly like my dad and I would force them to exercise if I noticed them doing this gain weight animation lmao

4. Do you use move objects?

Always!

5. Favorite mod?

I’d say Community Skilling is the most important mod to me. I hate that sims can’t gain skills on community lots in ts2 with a passion! xD

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got?

My first and the only sims game I had as a kid is sims 2 and I got it from my uncle as a christmas present along with Happy Holiday SP

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing

Both? My pronunciation is all over the place lol

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

But I love all of my simmies! But Barbara, she’s awful! She killed her husband with her selfishness by forcing him to overwork himself and then when his siblings helped her to resurrect him she cheated on him! As a family sim! ugh

9. Have you made a simself?

It never even occured to me to do such a thing

10. What sim traits do you give yourself?

absent minded, brooding, shy, loser, clumsy (I’m not fimiliar with traits as I never played ts3 so I’m guessing here lol); in ts4 i’d choose maybe socially awkward, loyal, geek?

11. Which is your favorite EA hair color?

12. Favorite EA hair?

13. Favorite life stage?

All but babies

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

I like to do both in ts2! In ts4 I only enjoy building

15. Are you a CC creator?

I don’t think I can call myself that haha

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad?

Oh I’m too anxious to befriend people I always feel like a nuisance ( 〃．．) But! for the past year since I'm here almost everyone who interacted with me was nothing but nice and patient with me, thank you 💕

17. What’s your favorite game? (1, 2, 3, or 4)

2! But I never played 1 or 3

18. Do you have any sims merch?

None

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims?

Nope

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing?

As a kid I always made crazy sims and I would mostly play in my own hoods now I’m more boring player who makes more realistic sims and play in maxis hoods

21. What’s your Origin ID?

I can’t remember lol but I don’t post anything on the gallery so it’s not important

22. Who’s your favorite CC creator?

This question is too difficult!

23. How long have you had a simblr?

May 2022 so a bit over a year

24. How do you edit your pictures?

As anyone can tell at first glance I don’t do much haha

25. What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next?

I don’t play ts4 enough to know what I need hmm... Maybe I’d like ea to just stop breaking this game futher so I could download bunch of mods without them breaking? lmao

26. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far?

OFB! I never had it as a kid and I enjoy it a lot now! Making buisnesses for my sims is fun

Tagging: @elvisgrace, @xwhitepolar​, @/you idk anymore if and who I can tag ;;; sorry if me tagging anyone in previous post of this kind was annoying, if I tagged you in another post of this kind feel being tagged by me here too if you like, I’ll be happy to read your answers!

#Loosia rambles again

[engagedtobefree]

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own. 

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun. 

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever. 

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship. 

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right. 

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it. 

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha. 

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason. 

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

#here's the novel no one asked for #personal #chris #idk what else to tag #i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol #my overthinking strikes again #even in the tags #whomp whomp

[lilithpleasant]

some sims questions!!!!

tagged by @pooklet ty!!

What’s your favorite Sims death?

oh gosh, okay, tbh, in general idk if i have a favorite, i do like a classic death by old age just because it makes me feel accomplished, lol, but specifically i think it'd have to be the time forrest bonnet died of cardiac explosion the literal second i hit play once i finished building his house 😂

Alpha CC/Semi-realism or Maxis Match?

idk why but i am definitely more maxis match for ts4 and semi-realistic for ts2? it just feels RIGHT to me

Do you cheat your sims weight?

only for my story sims, in the spirit of keeping things semi-consistent between chapters, because i swear sim stede gains weight faster than any sim i've ever played, and sim ed often ends up TOO BUFF from all of his energized swimming 😂 other than that, i do not, i just let them do their own thing. i dont really use too many custom body shapes for ts2, but definitely coming back to it after playing with the diversity in ts4 has been a bit jarring, but also custom body shapes are a lot of work so. idk what the solution is!

Do you move objects?

is this a real question?

Favorite Mod?

HMMMMMMMMMM! i'd say ACR, the shiftable everything mod, and for ts4 of course ye olde wickedwhims 🤭

First Expansion/Game Pack/Stuff Pack?

idk whatever the first sims 1 ep was??? i think? my friend had it and we played it at her house in 4th grade (well, she played, i watched because she wouldnt let me actually play it, lol) and then my parents bought it for me that easter and ive been hooked ever since 😂

Do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing?

living!!!!!!!!!! absolutely mindfuck to realize that some ppl DONT pronounce it that way 😂

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

ed and stede in ts4, altho i didn't TECHNICALLY make their bases, but i have done sooooo much to them and i am so attached they are like my children

prob val in ts2, lol, i am big on fandom sims i guess!!!!

Have you made a simself?

yeah!!!!! in ts2 and 4!

Which is your favorite EA hair color?

uhhhhh, like, for ts4? probably a pink, ofc, lol. natural colors??? idk no preference!

Favorite EA hair?

this is so specific idk i mostly use custom hairs tbh

Favorite life stage?

young adult/adult in ts4 and adult in ts2 for sure

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

oh both! i love gameplay but i also have to have it very aesthetically pleasing, if it's not fun for me to look at im not interested

Are you a CC creator?

yeeeeeee @ailuromancys

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad?

@angelapleasant @dirk-dreamer @simper-fi are all sim friends who i have formed lasting irl friendships with 🥰 altho i am soooo bad at keeping in touch with ppl anymore and i feel so bad abt that, they are still my favorites

@pooklet is top tier as well!!! 😊

@emperorofthedark i know it's been ages but you also!!!!!!!

Do you have any sims merch?

...no?

Do you have a YouTube for sims?

oh my god, no. the way i alternate between normal speed and triple speed should be outlawed, i cannot imagine it would be any fun to watch AT ALL

How has your “Sims style” changed throughout your years of playing?

i think mostly i've gotten better at taking and editing pics? gos was pretty much my introduction to sims cc (with the exception of some sailor moon skins/heads i had for ts1 that my dad had to help me install 😂) so that had a HUGE influence on my style that i never really strayed from. i think i toned it down a bit in ts4, but at my core, i am still very neon/grunge oriented

Who’s your favorite CC creator?

@pooklet @skulldilocks currantpotpie @angelapleasant @dirk-dreamer @leaf-storm @simmer-until-tender do you see a theme here?

How long have you had Simblr?

2010 i think! holy shit.

How do you edit your pictures?

for tumblr i crop them to 800x500, use the honeycomb psd (with a vibrance layer added) and then use pooklet's sharpening action

What expansion/gamepack is your favorite?

HMMMMMMM. this is a tough one. possibly seasons for ts2? ts4 i cannot even say, because there are so fucking many lmfao it's disgusting 😂

taggin whoever wants to do this!!!!

#xoxod

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

AO3 fic stats meme!

tagged by @allaganexarch!

rules: give us the links to your fics with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the fewest words.

Most Hits: push me gently (into love) | Wednesday (TV 2022) | Larissa Weems/original female character | rated M | 12,988 words

i'm not surprised to see this one here! def not my best work writing wise, but it has sentimental value to me! it's very silly and rom-comy. like an early 2000s hugh grant movie but a lesbian fic (which is kinda my vibe tbh)

Second Most Kudos: when the last restraint is gone | The Personal History of David Copperfield (2019) | Jane Murdstone/original female character | rated M | 25,031 words | ongoing

oh okay i actually like this one. i need to go back and edit it THOROUGHLY though, bc stylistically i don't like certain Choices(TM) that much anymore, but i am generally really fond of this one. a victorian lesbian romance with filthy smut and Longing(TM), what more can you wish for. i need to write the final chapter to wrap it up but i keep postponing it bc i wanna edit the entire thing before that and it is Long(TM) lol.

Third Most Comments: it's push me gently (into love)

again lol. idk why this one is so popular (that was rhetorical, i do know). alas, it's never the ones that pushed me as a writer and the ones that made me improve greatly. it's always the rom-coms with a lot of porn in them :')

Fourth Most Bookmarks: danger level - one | Star Wars (sequel trilogy) | Captain Phasma/original female character | rated E | 4,784 words

okay, this one is straight up porn lol. it's silly. if you wanna read something filthy and fun, go for it, i guess! not my best work, but it's okay.

Fifth Most Words: on wednesdays we wear black | Wednesday (TV 2022) | Larissa Weems/Morticia Addams | rated T | 7,741 words

IS THIS THE "HOW TO BEST MISREPRESENT AN AUTHOR" OR HOW TO PICK THE FICS I'M LEAST PROUD OF ADSJKHFHFSDAHFSAD GAME like i don't dislike this one, it's just my oldest fic and it's currently on hiatus bc i wanna rewrite it entirely and ughhhhh jdshffsddsa. i love the idea of it, i just. you know. aaaaaagh.

Fewest Words: the secret | The Sandman (TV 2022) | Lucifer Morningstar/Mazikeen | rated E (probably more of an M though)| 1,053 words

lolll okay this is the last fic in my kink!week series. so the premise was that i basically picked a really nasty/unusual/underrepresented/extreme kink for each of the days in the week with different gwendoline christie characters and went to town lol. and this one is the crown of the whole series. the one in which i rickrolled everybody :)))))))) (not as a kink, just to be a lil shit lol)

tagging: @zephyr-is-tired @alexusonfire @dianneking @notinmyvocab @criseydethetraitor honestly idk who else i can tag that didn't cancel me lol. if i forgot about someone (sorry!) and you wanna do it, consider yourself tagged!

#i will produce my own garbage and also consume it #fanfic tag

[emiliosandozsequence]

i stole this lol but it seemed fun so <3

What was your first ever story idea? What happened to it? it was a fantasy novel about an elf girl. i've never read a book where the main character is an elf, so i decided to write one myself. i did actually end up writing it; it was the first novel i ever wrote and i was 14 when i did it (still proud of that; it was 230 pgs in a word document btw). anyway, i ended up losing access to the manuscript, so rip, but i'm fully intending to rewrite it someday and make it a lot better than it was when i was writing it at 14.

What’s your writing routine? usually i'll put on music and just start writing whatever comes to mind for whatever scene i'm trying to write at the time. whenever i can't figure out what to do next, i'll go on tumblr and scroll for a bit until it comes to me. it's pretty effective, though my editor literally thinks i'm doing nothing all day bc of this even tho i Promise him i'm Working On It 😭😭😭

Are you a plotter, a pantser, or something in between? in between for sure. i plan things as i go. i start with an overall idea and then just...start writing and plan for the next chapters as they come to me. with the novel i'm currently writing, i've only planned up through chapter 8 and i'm currently writing chapter 4. i used to plan everything, but for some reason that made it so much harder for me to actually write the novels, so i don't do that anymore.

Do you try to tell moral stories throughout your work, or any other life lessons? What are they? there was a time where i did that, but the older i've gotten, the more i've realized a solid plot is a lot more important than telling any moral story. whether you like it or not, people are going to remember your book for the story you tell, not the reason you're telling it, and as a reader, i tend to go for stories with more solid plots than morals anyway.

What do you prefer, character development or worldbuilding? Why? both?? idk they both come very easily to me. to the point that there's been times where i think i haven't done enough of either and people have read my work and told me the opposite. i guess worldbuilding is more fun, but it's harder, which i think is probably why i like it more than character development bc that comes even easier to me than worldbuilding.

Do you have any tips for budding writers? i'll tell you exactly what my editor told me in the first class of his i took when i was 12: write like a shark. whatever you're writing, write it until it's done. go back and edit later. i've learned you can do a little bit of editing as you go once you've finished a few novels because then you know you can do it (speaking from experience; i've finished 7 and self-published 2 and am working on my 8th), but if you're new to writing and you haven't finished a book yet, don't do it. you will get caught up in it otherwise. especially if you have adhd (like i do).

Who inspires you to write the most? at the moment?? probably tamsyn muir. we have a shocking amount in common (our birthday's are literally a single day apart, though she's older than me by several years) and her books are exactly the kind of books i want to write. but also mary doria russell (duh) because we have very similar writing styles; ellen hopkins because she really was who really taught me (through me reading her books) how to write emotional stuff really well; brandon sanderson bc nothing is ever going to beat how i felt at the ending of the mistborn trilogy; and marie lu because her characters from the legend trilogy live in my mind rent free still and i can't help thinking of day every time i create a new boy.

tagging @thinking-in-broken-scenes @naysaltysalmon @the-lisechen and anyone else that wants to!! i just tagged people i know are also writers <3

#emilio.txt

[malewifemanhunter]

thank you @headgehug, @emodennis and @sunnyontheside for the tag!!!! man i haven't done one of these in a whiilleee sorry it took me so long jshdjhd

name: Ohra, malewife, whichever is easier to remember

star sign: libra sun (sorry for being an emotionally imbalanced slut)

height: 175 cm, or 5"9' for my american buddies

time: 1:45 pm

birthday: das for me to know and you to find out. (lol tho to be fair i will post about it when it is)

favorite bands/artists: uuuhhh, like mitski, gorillaz, the beatles, deaftones. i don't really listen to bands, i care abt the music only

last movie: Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. really cute chick flick, and the fits are sooooo good

last show: sunny lol. more specifically season 7. fat mac has me by the throat.

when did i create this blog: in 2016 for kpop, but i didn't actually using it until January 2021

what i post: horny stuff mostly, 90% sunny stuff only

last thing i googled: google keep wont sync in. the notes app is being so goddamn difficult for some reason, and idk how to fix it

other blogs: qweerpeep - for face app gender bend edits and uuhhh catboyohra for depweshion shit. i don't really use it anymore, prefer to write in a diary, plus i feel better now emotionally, but you can go look or whatever. don't follow tho, if you do i'm blocking u sowwy

do i get asks?: sometimes my friends send me cute asks, and other times people dump their godawful takes on sunny

following: like 179 ppl, a lot of those blogs i followed when i first joined, and they're inactive now :'(

average hours of sleep: no clue. i think like 6

instruments: kalimba. and i used to play the piano as a kid

what i’m wearing: gray tshirt with mickie and minnie mouse and beige short shorts

dream job: no fucking clue. genuinely, never thougth i would make it this far lol

dream trip: i wanna see my online friends, i don't really care where. would prefer a beach tho. and i wanna visit japan, so so sooo badly, and see my friend there. she's so outside internet culture, and i truly love that for her

nationality: romanian (nobody say shit about andrew tate to me, i will kick)

favorite songs: like rn? the fruits by paris paloma, la luna enamorada, nathalie, rich friends

last book i’ve read: songs of achilles, haven't finished yet, sure hope nothing extremely sad happens :)

top 3 fictional universes i’d like to live in: sgahgsdhgahsd bro idk. sunny? i don't have that much of an imagination

i have seen this game a loottt on my timeline lately and i have ni clue who did it or not, so just in case, @officialbillhader, @twinkmacrules, @stglennfucker, @lets-dont-this, @allgaysunny, @macisnotajabroni, @citytwinkmac, @cutemeat, @cocklickerdennis, @nightcrawlerzincorporated, @trillgutterbug, @kardinalkalamity, @aanteater-nose, @katyasghoulfriend, @kathleenbrash27, @citymacs, @ratcoffin69, @bastardmanvibes, @sewerkingcharlie, @chrundletheokay, @gothmacbro, @lesbee-dee you wanna tho~ also anyone else that wants to do it but hasn't been tagged, i wanna read as many as i can lolool

#ask game

[illegiblehandwriting1]

Hi there!

Hey guys, I'll admit it.

I'm not sure what I'm doing.

But I'm a writer, musician, and Zelda enthusiast! I write for Linked Universe mainly (Illegible_Handwriting on ao3) and I figured I should make a Tumblr, so here we are! I like a bunch of other things too, though (marble hornets, stormlight archive, gravity falls, unravel 2, metroid, doctor who, the owl house, rottmnt, ben drowned/awakening, generation loss, episodes 4-9of star wars, HUMAN RIGHTS DAMMIT, just to name a few) so I'll pretty much post whatever I want to.

I swear a lot, so be warned.

Nonbinary (and everyone is hella valid, homophobes/terfs/transphobes/racists/ableists/anti-Semites etc. beware >:( so be nice everyone)

I use "#illeg scribbles" for my writing, and #chicken scratch for any other rambles or posts I make. #reblog is exactly what it sounds like!

#smoke & ashes has its own tag, and so does #dear four chronicles! #the chosen and the champion also exists but I don't really use it anymore because I'm working on s&a, so if you want updates on that, use the smoke & ashes tag thx :D

And I don't know how active I'll be on here (probably not a lot) but we'll see how this goes! If I'm not active, don't be alarmed, that'll be normal probably lol.

I guess I should make a masterpost huh. Ok that's under the cut.

The Chosen and the Champion series (in progress)

The Chosen and the Champion (Switch gang tribute): Completed. A ton of Wild and Sky content because I saw Skyward Sword on Switch and went FUCK yes. This got off the rails very quickly. Just read all of them at this point, cuz I don't know what I'll bring back next. Chapter 20 and onwards is Exploring Sky's Hyrule.

Smoke & Ashes: Incomplete and in progress!! continues where C&C left off, with a huge fucking focus on Sky's adventure, specifically the end. However, unlike most fics, people are NOT very happy or forgiving with Sky. If you know, you know. VERY ANGST HEAVY. PLEASE READ ALL THE TAGS AND WARNINGS.

Like Mounds of Molten Gold: Incomplete and in progress!! Just a bunch of extra content for the C&C universe! Some are companion pieces to a specific chapter or section, while some are just random shit. There might be cut content every now and then. All of them help to give a deeper/more enjoyable experience to the main fic (in my opinion).

The Dear Four Chronicles (in progress)

Dear Four: completed. oneshot. pre-Minish Cap Four and post-LU Sky. Shenanigans ensue.

Hey Time: completed. oneshot. pre-OoT Time and post-LU Four. Shenanigans but it's 12k this time.

Hello Wind (temp title): being written! IDK when it'll come out, but it'll happen eventually. I promise.

The Groose is Loose! (temp title, in progress??? Maybe???)

A Weight Called Eternity: completed. oneshot. I asked the question "what was Groose doing during the Demise fight?" This is absolutely spliced from ch16 of S&A. Do I care? No. It's edited substantially as well, and is not LU, but SkSw instead. ALSO HEAVY ANGST

Other fics:

There it is again, that funny feeling...: Incomplete and in progress!! multi-chapter. It's a bunch of different ideas all stemming from the same base question: "what if Sky was the Fierce Deity?" Each chapter is a separate AU. Please heed the warnings on this one.

Imagine all the fun you and your future self could have, if only you had a driver's license: Completed. multi-chapter. Long-ass title because I never thought of a better one. Basically, pre-LU Wild and Sky are in Mariokart! Bunch of crack. Lots of fun.

Here lies Link: completed. oneshot. Four digs a grave for a dear friend. Also Wolfie is there for emotional support. Heed the tags.

Storybook: completed, i guess. oneshot, i guess. pre-Minish Cap Four knows about Sky and I think that's the most precious idea. If I ever come back to this, I'll let you know.

Freezing Flame: completed. oneshot. halloween from a couple years ago. Wind finds a graveyard. Heed the warnings.

All the Lights in the World (Are Slowly Going Out): completed, i guess. discontinued, really. multi-chapter. I tried Wumptober 2022 and I only got 3 prompts in. heed the tags and warnings.

Fluffy Pillows and Angsty Teens: incomplete! multi-chapter. Random shit i wrote!!

Beyond Recollection (discontinued): done, i guess. Multi-chapter. Was gonna be about a female hero after twi who people couldn't remember, but i left the idea.

As twilight fell: completed. oneshot. my first fic. don't read it. save yourselves. I might rewrite it eventually. heed the warnings in the tags.

#chicken scratch #smoke & ashes #dear four chronicles #illeg scribbles

[moni-logues]

2022 End of the Year Recap

rules : post the top 5 works you’re most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular), your top 4 current WIPs that you’re excited to release in the new year, your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year, your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year, and your number 1 favorite line you’ve written this year!

So, @amethystwritesbts tagged me in this on the old blog, but I thought this would make for a fun little transitional post, too, so I'm doing it here! I have had my [old] blog for almost exactly 53 weeks and have posted 58 fics! 🤪🤪🤪 lots to pick from lol

Top 5 works I'm most proud of

(These will all, in time, make their way here, too, but for now they are ofc readable @monimonimoon)

Marriage or Arsenic: my very first post! I'm proud of myself for starting! Proud of myself for writing and putting it out there!

Sweet Treats: I just like it!! I think it's fun! I love cute tattoo artist boyfriend Jimin!

Even Though: super spontaneous fic; decided about 11pm I wanted to write it and it was finished before 2:30am! But I'm really pleased with how it came out and it's nice to know I can produce shit if I really focus lmao

Thirteen Rounds: wrote it in one evening and then was really unhappy the following day and couldn't work out why I didn't l like it so I took my dog for a walk and figured it out. It then needed a really big, significant re-write and I did it! And then it did some serious fucking numbers lmao

A Fine Line: for obvious reasons lol. My first series! Wasn't sure I could do it! Wasn't sure anyone would like it! But I did! and they do!!

Top 4 current WIPs

The Comeback: here, have a banner! This is going to be the first fic I post here! (obviously not including AFL reposts). I hope you are looking forward to some festive angst!

Kintsugi: the long-fabled Yoongi friends-to-lovers (actually strangers-to-friends-to-lovers!). She's coming and, goddammit, I've made this bitch angsty, too. Have another banner!

Promessus: a Hobi fake dating fic that is going to require a lot of research and may not be viable if the results of that research aren't what I want! But I'm really excited about it!!!

SUPER TOP SECRET FIC: coming soon! Yoongi! A genre I've not written before! Stay tuned!!!

Three biggest improvements in my writing

I think I'm more aware of my (over-)use of adverbs now so I'm better at catching them while writing and in editing.

Writing long stuff! Actual plot! When I first started, I couldn't believe people were writing like, 5, 10, 15k fics and now I not only have one-shots that long but also a whole series! And more to come!

Deciding to only write in past tense. I kept sort of switching between past and present which meant that, even within one fic, I kept fucking up and writing in the wrong one. Sticking to one means I'm not making that mistake (as much! 😬) anymore.

Two resolutions for next year

This one is sort of already in plrogress but planning. Kintsugi is already outlined! I'm going to try to stick to the plan!

Read more -- both fics and books. I have read much less this year than I'd have liked so I really want to use this festive period to reset and start the new year with more intention and waste less of my time on my fucking phone, watching shit I don't care about on netflix etc. and actually make time for everything, which includes reading.

Favourite line I wrote this year

Remember how I said I've posted 58 fics? Yeah, I'm not going through those to pick out the best lmao. But one that I can think of off the top of my head is:

you knew you had somehow got things figured out but now, in the nauseating throes of the consequences of your own actions, it eluded you.

I'm not tagging anyone because idk who's been tagged already and I'm copping out lmao but everyone should do this, so consider yourself tagged if you are reading this!!!

#moni logs #tag games

[ofmdee]

some sims questions!?!?!!

thank u for the tag @eulaliasims 💜 im gonna do these for ts4 unless it's specified

1. What’s your favourite sims death? Omg. Ummm, is it cheating to say old age? I like the satisfaction of knowing i got that sim thru LIFE. But cardiac explosion is also a good one.

2. Alpha CC or Maxis Match? for ts4, def mostly maxis match, but i'm not like, super strict? something looks good i download it 😂 which is a problem.

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight? no??? i did take away sim ed's massive bulging muscles he got from too many autonomous workouts once, tho.

4. Do you use move objects? it is Always on

5. Favorite mod? probably MCCC. it does So Much.

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got? Livin' large!!!! 😂

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing? LIVING for real i never even considered ALIVE was even an option until recently

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? well, i don't really make sims too often these days, i usually play sims born in game? i mean i obv favor my ofmd sims, but i didn't actually MAKE their bases, they're from the gallery, just heavily made over. from my ts2 days tho i rly liked val.

9. Have you made a simself? oh yeeeee, many times! my most recent one moved in w my gfs selfsim

10. What sim traits do you give yourself? Realistically: Cat lover, loner, socially awkward, erratic, and lazy 😅

11. Which is your favorite EA hair color? ummmm i guess one of the pinks? idk it depends! never rly thought about it.

12. Favorite EA hair? bro idk

13. Favorite life stage? idk young adult i guess????

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? Both babeeeey. And story telling. And gif making. I use sims for a lot of stuff!

15. Are you a CC creator? I used to be (old ts2 content), but now i basically only make stuff for personal use for specific sims 😂

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad? i think? def friends and friendly acquaintances, not rly a SQUAD so to speak, but i've made friends with a lot of ppl on simblr that i'm friendly with outside of simblr now.

17. What’s your favorite game? (1, 2, 3, or 4) 2, despite not having played it in years.

18. Do you have any sims merch? just the games 😂

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims? nooo. i have a twitter 🔞, tho ;)

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing? in ts2 it was very grunge/neon, and that's harder to find for ts4, imho, and i rly miss that! so i guess my ts4 style is less..... alternative? which is a bummer tbh.

21. What’s your Origin ID? i share jessy's, lol, and also i 🏴‍☠️ ts4 anymore so i don't even remember tbh

22. Who’s your favorite CC creator? Buuuuuhhh i cannot choose just one! anyone who never paywalls their stuff, how about that? ;)

23. How long have you had a simblr? since like 2010 lol, this blog only for a few months, tho.

24. How do you edit your pictures? Photoshop! if they're for tumblr i crop them to 800x500, use this psd (that i've edited slightly by adding some vibrance) and then finish it with a super old sharpening action of pooklet's 😂 if i'm making gifs or graphics i switch up psds/etc but that's my go-to editing technique.

25. What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next? i dont want ANY more fuckin sims 4 packs i am so sick of updating my game just let it DIE. tbh.

26. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far? god idek, there are like 239483209483209 dlcs for ts4, it's hard to pick an overall fav. 🤣

if you wanna do this and haven't done it yet, here is your tag!

#xoxod #sims