#ig this could be a poetry thing? we'll say it is instead of me just having another meltdown LMAO

[overthinksinbisexual]

To Stay and Let Go

"I don't know what to do with it,

with all the love I have for her.

I don't know where to put it now."

Why am I still carrying it all?

("where can I put it down?")

My hands are overflowing but they're bleeding, too,

and I've bitten my nails down to the quick

but you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands

because I can't seem to make my fingers release- what?

"I'm afraid I will spend entire years trying not to need you."

(I already have)

And you say that you're a cringey poet now

but my thoughts have always been poetry around you

and I feel like i'm trying to scrub it away so that

we might get to somewhere where it didn't actually happen

but I can't unwrite the words that you carved into my heart

with soft touches and goofy laughs.

("I just want to make you laugh.

can't that be the whole poem?

I just want to make you laugh.")

And Jesus you're so beautiful

that it makes my chest hurt sometimes

and I feel like a failure because somehow

I stopped holding on

even though I've forgotten how to let go.

And I'm lying in a bland hotel room

reading Anne Carson and looking out the window

at the rows of rooms on the building next door

and I think I read something once

about cutting open a heart and finding only love instead of blood.

I don't think you're all that I am

and I'm certainly getting better at living without you

but I'm still debating if that's just because

I've successfully scaffolded the gaping hole inside of me

into something that can be ignored for the most part

aside from the continuous thoughts of you that

keep slipping through the gaps.

And you wouldn't even let me blame myself. Of course.

I hate you (no I don't).

I couldn't even bring myself to do that

and I'm getting worse and worse at faking it.

I always thought that it would kill me to lose you.

I am somehow disappointed that it hasn't yet.

And to be honest this doesn't really feel like getting over you

more like circling something over and over again

hoping that it will get blacked out.

My hands keep shaking and

I wish I could stop you affecting me like this

because I keep thinking that if I'd only known you better

if I'd only noticed sooner so you didn't have to tell me

if I'd only never met you so I wouldn't be standing here

heart ripped open like a pair of old jeans

knowing you won't even beg for it.

Knowing that you'd never ask me to stay.

I told you not to, you see

and I was always too good at asking and

you were always too good at doing

but of course none of that

applied to the things that mattered, in the end.

Maybe we never should have been here

but neither of us were ever very good at

controlling ourselves, were we

because it's hard to judge where to cut from this angle,

and now the knife's slipped and i'm spread open

because you always did know me better than anyone else.

I would’ve thought you’d have put a bit more effort

into not hurting me, then.

(Who let the fire start though, honestly?

Maybe we'll never know)

And you know what hurts the most is that

somehow, even after all of it,

it seems that the fact that you lied

still doesn't fix the fact that I love you

and you are so well woven into my life

that I wouldn't even know where to start trying to cut you out.

------

@gaslight-gaetkeep-gayboss thanks for bullying me into this ig

@florida-preposterously words!! (idk if you'll appreciate the tag but i hope so)

@not-perry-the-platypus i don't think you've seen this one yet

#my writing #free verse #poetry #my poetry #free verse poetry #have some free angst people!!