#ill probably fall out of this in a week

[rapidhighway]

every time i decide im going to dye my hair i go look in the mirror to like, picture it, and i decide i really like my hair color so i dont really want to change it because its pretty but also im left wanting for colored hair still

#like my hair is just brown and ive only ever dyed it with those dyes that completely wash out after like 3 weeks #so i can go back to the natural color after some time #but then im always disappointed when its back to normal #but when i stat planning on dyeing it again i look at the hair and its just.. nice #but i wanaaaa :((((((((( #but i want my normal hair tooo its pretyyy #anyway ill probably do it im just writing whatever rn dfvdfsdferre #ill find some nice semi permanent dye or somethin #my hairs falling out so im worried about that but it seems to be falling out no matter if i dye it or not so i might as well #have fun with it before i go bald like a shiny asscheek or somethin

[rohirric-hunter]

#lotro #commiserating with the woverine rn #in that i believe that biting would make me feel better about my current situation #fell behind a bit during the week but unexpected 3 day weekend because of *waves hand* stupid work bs #so ill probably be able to make it up #if all else fails reward track rewards can be purchased with mithril #at the rate of 10 mithril per reward #it is impractical to buy out the whole reward track this way but something to keep in my back pocket it i fall only 1 or 2 short #i have 25 mithril on this server b/c it came with the valar #i would rather not buy more for this purpose #so basically i can bail myself out of 2 rewards if need be #but need might not #im doin pretty decent

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

ok ok so you know how my life has majorly revolved around my pain since july & how that has been extremely difficult :) well lately I find myself getting up later than I want to & making my bed as badly as I possibly can & getting out of the house after noon when I planned to get out in the morning & walking to the library when it’s sunny & sitting there for hours & the whole time I’m most concerned with writing & that it’s incredible what I’m doing, it’s a little paradise

#you know how I hoped September would be kind to me well it delivered #I actually didn’t realize how mentally poorly I was doing until I got out of it ! #like oooooof it’s like a chronic pain veil #& to be very honest it’s because I’m physically better so I cannot blame myself and I don’t lol bc there will be a time when that happens #<< again #I mean better loosely I just mean I haven’t had 8/10 pain every day for weeks LOLLL #but it’s really quiet and beautiful & im grateful !!! like yay I can still create ! #I’m not thinking abt my pain 95% of the day now it’s probably about 40%? 50? so a lot but I’m literally not every single thought LOL #sometimes it’s even like 20! not even cuz anything is getting better bc it’s not but I will take it even if idk why!!! #(& by nothing is getting better I mean meaningfully better but I have been blessed with some good days lately which I had none #of all summer) #I say this bc every day I wake up and immediately think OH GOD MY PAIN which is so valid bc it’s awful in the morning getting up is like #falling into a black hole Lol but also while that thought is still there I also thought #wow I’m so excited to write today I’m so excited to see what Jeremiah does #HE IS THE NARRATOR OF HEALING #also like SOOO PRIVILEGED to be able to do this like I also wanted to say that! #anyway update for u since I know I have shared the Despair but none of the beauty yet lol #lots of love chronic illness/pain bbs <3

[surreal-duck]

messing around a bit

#delete later #man i havent rly drawn for myself in a while it feels weird #trying to play around w my style lately but i dont think its getting anywhere whwhkjsdghjdg #shoutout to yuzuru if nobody's got me after burning out all of my creative juices ik hes got me #should probably go to sleep early tonight got assigned another project to work on through next week at my internship 😔 #still going through a very mixed feelings stage regarding on how i see my art but ill live i guess #just. nothing is good enough. im never gonna be satisfied. i think this looks fine. this is the worst thing ive ever seen and made. #im gonna fall behind. it isnt a race. everyones already far ahead. maybe this is okay. why are you satisfied with this much its not enough. #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa being an artist am i right ! agony #well i guess lately its not that i just havent been drawing things for me but more like i cant for some reason. burnouts an asshole #even though i really really did want to make things it honestly sucked ass not being able to i rly dont know what id do if i cant draw #actually took some time for myself yesterday and walked around town a bit it was nice. pierced my ears again and treated myself #but as consequence of course i am now broke </3 unfortunate #hmmmmm idk what im saying kdjsjgdhhskgjdhsdg hope things r going well for everyone else if you're even reading this! may u have a good week #man i wish i just knew if things are gonna be okay #hngggg baru aja tiga bulan masuk balik sekolah sama udah secapek ini wkwkwkwkkwkwk payah gk sih gw ini #masih setahun lebih sampe lulus juga head in hands kenapa gk bisa tidur buat seminggu aja aaagh #ya yang penting juga gw masih hidup sih gk mau kemana-mana kyk gini #aaaaaaaaa gk mau masuk studio besokkkk mau tidurrrr #me when i have to do my job at work #i wonder what i should make for lunch and dinner tomorrow. knowing me though ill end up falling asleep as soon as i get out of the shower #sorry this is. all over the place props if you're even reading this far LOL apologies you have to see me rant a bit

[july-19th-club]

okay. ten thirty am. four thousand words behind schedule. house a mess. maybe seven hours of daylight left. lets fuckin go

#think ill put on some of the music i saw last night that might get me in the zone for a little bit at least #the goal today is to balance sprints with chores and see how far i get #if i can even get like. two or three thousand of these words. itll put me in a better position for tomorrow #ideally i'd get out ahead of myself since i KNOW i fall behind during the work week #but that's not happening i just dont have the time #and i will miss out on an hour tomorrow bc i have an appointment in the morning so i won't be able to write then #but woudl i have been anyway? if i didnt have the appt. #id probably sleep in #so we'll see #nanowrimo 2023

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ngl rn the idea that i still have to stay here working on the same stuff when a potential phd project is on the horizon is a lil soul #crushing. like god i wanna b able to read papers abt that. not work on my existing papers. or take measurements. or stay here anymore #like probably at least 6 months more. thats so long 😭 let me shed this skin #ugh. at least the decision making is almost over. one more interview and then i should have all the decisions by the 1st week of march? #and then its just up to me to decide. rn id say the school i visited. but thats plenty of time to talk myself out of it. ugh #ugh me trying to do my job: ok i have like 7 things i could me doing *starts thing 1* oh wait but *starts thing 2*. i just ping pong #between tasks and dont get things all the way done. then im like oh i need to remember X thing later *instantly forgets* but i did just #experience the glory of being reminded to do a task via calender #listen. its like my brain has holes in it and theyre threatening to destroy my life lmao #most of the time i feel like a pinball when ur just hitting it back and forth between the bars. threatening to fall between them #ay ay ay. my poor feeble brain. someday ill fix iy #it. or like. try to manage it better so im not constantly on the edge of catastrophe. but ya kno that day is not today or tomorrow #bc i am paralyzed of driving lmao and its fucking wimby out there #ugh. i miss the snow already :-( i wanna go back :-( ugh they got their hooks in me #unrelated

[yournewfriendshouse]

me all fucking week

#I have done so fucking well all year #watch me fall apart as soon as it reaches over 30C #still #I did ok with pacing today I think #hopefully #should probably sit tomorrow out though maybe #chronic illness tag #chronic pain tag #chronic fatigue syndrome #pacing is hard when there are a million things to do #but this iw why we start our tasks two weeks early #or a year early in some cases #from the fainting couch is a great meme account on instagram for those who don’t know #this is one of my fave memes of all time

[celticwoman]

thanks for the kind words the other day :-) i got my period yesterday so thats whats making it soooo much worse but im trying to keep myself busy even tho thats really hard rn bc i have no interest in anything which sucks but whatever. im thinking of taking my sisters to an ecopark tomorrow, just to get out and do something different and have a nice day out :-) so im looking forward to that

#well probably have lunch out too. just to make the most out of the day #and the botanical garden is like. right in front of the ecopark so maybe we can go take a look there as well #also were going to see barbie together after all. next week #were doing like a family outing out of it and my parents are watching oppenheimer while we watch barbie #my dads the one that really wanted to watch it and my moms not into barbie so shes going with him but im pretty sure shes gonna end up- #-falling asleep lmao #anyways thats all i wanted to share. the period cramps are cramping once again so i might take a nap #and after that i think ill redye my hair because its really faded by now. and ik i said i wasnt gonna do it more than once bc its black- #-and its super difficult to bleach but i just looooved having black hair. so ill stay with black hair at least until its longer and i can- #-cut the parts thatve been bleached #anyways my mom was supposed to help me but now she wants to act mad for something insignificant as moms do so ill have to do it myself :-) #okay now thats all bye #cami.txt

[youaremysunshine-court]

Highkey gonna cry I looked up this uni I have to go to on Insta and literally it looks like the worst fit for me

#might actually just take another gap year even if it makes me feel like a failure #do a metal working course in the village become a blacksmith #weld shit together for a living #i got rejected from my first choice and i never bothered looking at my backup option #bc i was so so so sure id get into my first choice #... #anyway #im probably gonna drop out in a week and then just take another gap year lol #its fine everythings fine #hey coach wymack ytf dont you come barrelling into my gym threatening me and giving me a safe space to study #lets be real even if he was fucking real i dont have the talent for it #its feeling a bit like i never tried hard enough so now my life is falling down around me and i have nothing to show for it hours #like #if i had only tried harder for gcses then alevels would have been easier and if id studied at all during alevels maybe id have got into a #good university and maybe if id got into a good university i wouldnt have to go to this one where ill feel like a sore thumb #god is that even the way that phrase is used #and maybe id be happier if only id worked harder to make my life better for myself like #learned something this year and uts that apathy will literally ruin your life #doesnt matter how much i write down my ten year plan if i dont care enough to keep it up in the present its all balls anyway

[hotdogct]

if your best friend said some really hurtful and mean stuff in the name of ‘honesty’ (unasked for) and you stepped back from the conversation: who should break the ice first?

or it’s not a case of ‘who should’, but is it even worth it at this point? we’ve never gone this long without speaking to one another in our 15 years of friendship. she has recently gone through some tough times and i understand how that factors into her lashing out at me, but it’s been a week now of silence. it hurts to think that she’s sitting at home feeling right and secure in her cruel statements towards me instead of any slight sort of remorse. i don’t know if that’s a friendship worth keeping any longer.

#i got fired from my one job last month and found out last week that my other job will be closing at the end of may #i didn't turn into chicken little aka panic and act like the sky is falling as a result and she took great offense to that lol #she insulted my boyfriend lmfao #and was like 'sorry i don't take you to ikea like he does or talk to you about kpop instead of the real issues going on in our lives' #like w h a t #she implied that the boss at the job i got fired from will sabotage any future job opportunities when he literally #was a labor rights activist prior to this job lmfao #i'm mostly sad imagining her at home with her toxic narcissistic husband who hates me #and what he's saying and how they're probably making fun of me together #i know thats my mental illness speaking to some degree (at least the making fun of part) #i know he hates me. i hate him. #but the difference is i've kept my mouth shut and didn't word vomit in the name of 'brutal honesty' bc???? #who fucking knows

[theycallmehexcodenow]

augghhh i want to do stuff but the stuff i do isnt Right because i have to do something else instead of the thing im doing but every time i pick up an action it is the wrong one i cant stand it let me do the correct thing please [there is no correct thing, we are all but cursed to an eternal activity wanderlust, this is the fate of all that which self-reflects]

#how to say youre mentally ill without actually saying youre mentally ill #i guess #its probably the autism #or the fact that test week starts tomorrow #man i dont want to do tests #:( #alas such is the way of life #truly feel like i am falling endlessly and insignificantly through the void #plus ive got nobody wholl actually bother listening to all my bullshit for the sake of me simply putting it out there #which is smth that i have to do constantly #release the demons into the world yknow #it is what it is #i want more bitches to talk to

[carcinized]

Ive missed so many tubbo streams lately imgoing to lose it

#I JUST DONT HAVE TIME ANYMORE #ITS SO. ARURGGHH #i havent watched any rats smp yet #NOR TODAYS ALT STREAM WHICH I HEARD WAS RLLY GOOD #im just. Aughh im so busy and not feeling well cus of Stuff and just :( imso sad i miss it #maybe tomorrow night ? but im gonna be burned out cus i have to watch a 90 min documentary for school tomorrow afternoon #maybe Saturday morning/night… or Sunday morning im free then #but he’ll probably stream again before then and just like #i am falling behind i hate this feeling :( #negative #sorry to be negative i just. really bad day today :( and bad week tbh #im not feeling positive. ill be ok just like. ack #tobin talks

[dangaer]

formal apology to literally anyone who has shipped with me because i will reach the point where i inevitably do not shut up in my replies both to your posts and when writing responses to you 😭

#❛ 𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 ⧽ — ooc. #TBD. #ive just spent 2+ hours on a really long reply for a confession moment and the length is making me so :flushed: #its why i keep my shipping rules as they are because as much as im bad at plotting (OTL) my muses fall hard for those theyre with and c #ould* not love another version in the same way! when ppl say they prefer ship exclusive i just get worse sorry </3 FYVGYFUVUVFY #that reply took it out of me so ill probably lurk for the evening:') in a dream world my drafts will be done this week but i dont wanna #push it and ruin my vibe completely:')

[ambersky0319]

my sib's escaping the house for the day and yknow what? so am i

#I'm gonna go to the library since I never can because it's only open while I'm at school and not weekends #but it's fall break so! I have the opportunity to do it this week! #I probably wont check anything out because I don't think ill have time to return it (+I can check out ebooks and audiobooks and all that) #but #it'll be nice to get out of the house ^^ #and just kinda chill yknow? #anyways #amber's shit you can ignore

[thenarrativefoil]

*frustrated health insurance noises*

#text #i wanted to try T to see if it would affect my MCAS but there was an insurance issue and it didnt go through until last week #so i signed up to try xolair shots instead #and then they both got approved in the same week #but i dont want to take both at the same time bc then i wont know which one is working #so now i have to choose which one to go forward with #and im like..... WHAT DO I DO #chronic illness #either way my hair is gonna fall out but with T it would probably happen slower

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight #bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired #but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do #like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point #why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying #and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened #from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out #like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going #to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks #ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do #when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced #and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions #and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this #will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun #and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up #and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me? #like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire #but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b #ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place #dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code #somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno #ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day #it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse #unrelated #i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard? #let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo