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poetry-protest-pornography · 8 months

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I've seen a lot of people hating on Ray, and it's honestly baffling to me.

As someone who has loved, and been loved by addicts -- someone who was raised by an addict -- it's honestly infuriating and painful to see so many people write Ray off as just a selfish drunk.

At first, it was clear that most people have never met or loved an addict. But it's become more and more about just straight up dehumanizing addicts, as though Ray's alcoholism makes him a bad person who doesn't deserve to be happy.

And like, fuck. If people can't see a character as sympathetic as Ray as a whole person, Ray, whose motivations and hurt are so clear and easy to understand, then what about the people in your lives who are addicts or otherwise struggling with mental illness? What do you think about strangers you might encounter who have fucked up their lives or relationships because of addiction? What about the addicts who aren't so easy to understand and want better for? What hope and care is there for them in your eyes?

Do they not deserve to recover and make amends with those they've hurt and be met with understanding -- not even necessarily forgiveness! Just acknowledgement of their struggle and their attempt to get and be better!

What about the addicts that never really make it out of their addiction? Do they not deserve basic compassion? Yes, even the ones who are mean in their inebriation. Even the ones that can't see or can't care about what they're doing to the people around them.

Ray is easy to understand, and he's easy to love, and some of y'all are holding him to standards the rest of the characters don't have to meet, and it is 100% because he chooses alcohol to cope with and avoid his pain. And I just think you should take a few to really think about why that is.

(it's interesting that Ray's friends and his dad all do this to some degree, this dismissing his worth because of his addiction and reducing him to an inconvenience. That they all dismiss his feelings and his ability to feel, and even tease him about his need to be loved. They all refuse to see when he's trying to be better and making progress, because they've all decided that he can't change, that he can't get sober, and that means they don't have to stop encouraging and enabling his drinking; they don't have to care about him.

Mew gets a pass for his drinking and drug use and assholishness, because they can blame Ray for it.

Sand has been the only person to see Ray as a whole person, and to love him anyway.

It isn't easy, loving someone so deep in their addiction. But Sand knows who Ray is, he sees Ray, and has let himself love him anyway. And some of y'all have decided this means Sand is being stupid, or that Ray has manipulated him into it, and this means they're terrible and toxic for each other.

It's interesting that some people find so little likeable about Ray in particular when the whole lot of them are such a mess.

They're all selfish and destructive in their own ways, but Ray is the one who gets talked about like he doesn't deserve to be happy or redeemed. Because people can't understand why an addict behaves like an addict, and doesn't just choose to stop.)

Anyways, this got away from me.

The way this show is portraying young people living with addiction is so real and accurate, and it's difficult and painful to see Ray and his addiction be treated like he is by the people in his life, and in discussions about him.

I sincerely hope that the people stuck on characterizing Ray as less than never know the pain of addiction, but I really really hope that any addicts in their lives/ who may come into their lives get better from them than they're giving this character who is so clearly good, who is trying, who is so easy to understand; because those people deserve better.

#this got rant-y and kind of messy oops #only friends the series #only friends #ofts ray #sandray #kind of

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sleepy-moron · 1 year

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Super messy kingdom hearts feelings

Riku is genuinely one of my favorite characters in any piece of media full stop, and it’s really hard for most people to understand why I love him so much. To a lot of people who only really played kh 1 and 2, Riku is just a kind of generic rival character, and for a lot of fans of the whole series he’s one of the best characters in the franchise but nothing particularly special in the grand scheme of all media ever.

I think understanding that Riku is deeply in love with Sora is essential to understanding what makes Riku such a wonderful character. There is so much more to him as a character, but his primary motivation has always been deeply intertwined with his love for Sora, and that’s not something you can ignore.

Riku speaks to a very specific experience that most people probably have not had, but if you do relate to it he becomes so special and important. So I’ve got to get a bit personal here to properly articulate what I mean.

When I was younger, I was best friends with one of my neighbors. We had been friends for years and spent a lot of time with each other. Then, a new kid our age moved into the neighborhood, and my best friend was suddenly spending all their time with another person. I had a lot of very strong feelings about this, to the point I would feel physically sick from it all. I didn’t understand what I was feeling or why I felt it so strongly, I just knew it hurt and I hated it.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I am very much not straight and had a massive crush on my best friend when all this was happening. I was jealous, sad, angry, guilty, and legitimately disgusted with myself and my friend. Our friendship was never really the same after that. On top of all this I was also dealing with undiagnosed mental illness as a kid, so I was basically just an emotional wreck pretending everything was normal for a few years.

I also watched my dad and brother play a lot of kingdom hearts as a young kid. I didn’t really understand the games but I was entranced by them despite this. Flash forward quite a few years to right before kh3 came out, and I decided to start watching people play through all the games so I could actually understand what the story was. I had by this point mostly finished having a sexuality crisis and was starting to deal with the unaddressed feelings I still kept locked up.

And then I got to see Riku in all his messy emotional gay coded glory, and it just resonated with me in a way I didn’t know I wanted or needed. Watching this kid feel all these messy and ugly things that he couldn’t really understand and lashing out because of it, to get to see him atone for his mistakes and begin the long journey to not only forgive himself but also accept himself and all the things he felt, it was just so emotionally significant for me. I had never really thought about what it would be like to see this part of my life reflected by a character, but once I had it I was just overwhelmed with how strongly I connected to the Mickey Mouse anime games.

I finally had the time to watch the 6 hour Riku is gay and why it matters video the other day, and it emotionally destroyed me all over again. I don’t think I’ll ever really stop being emotional about Riku, sometimes you just consume a piece of media at the right time and it just stays with you forever. That’s really why he’s so special to me, I happened to get to fully see his character at the right time for him to be so important to me in a way very few characters are.

#Merlin yells about kingdom hearts #soriku #(well soriku is implied…sorta)#listen I was in my feelings and have not proofread this #this is just straight up unfiltered word vomit about my special little guy #riku kingdom hearts

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antitheticallyargumentative · 9 months

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Hi! I would very much love to hear the entire long rant about Ted and Jamie’s relationship!

I love you for indulging me.

A little disclaimer that I in no way hate Ted. I love him. He has good intentions. He's just a flawed human with a lot of his own baggage that hinders him from actually being able to objectively see Jamie's situation for what it is. And that leads to him offering shit advice. He seriously fucked up when it came to Jamie, (in my opinion), even if his heart was in the right place. So here we go.

TW- mentions of mental health issues, canonical suicide, and abuse and trauma

The way I see it, there are several things happening here. 1) Ted sees Jamie as a surrogate son-figure, because he misses his own son and Jamie is a little bit wayward and lacking his own father-figure, and that activates Ted's savior-complex-I-can-fix-him ways. 2) Ted sees Jamie as a little part of himself- his own inner child. The sixteen year old boy who brutally lost his own dad and never worked through the grief. 3) Jamie sees Ted, at least a bit, as a form of father figure, in the way that he both wants his approval and is innately distrustful of him. (Mind games.)

The problem then lies in the fact that Jamie is not truly either of these things that Ted sees him as, and Ted cannot be a healthy male figure for Jamie because he has too much of his own shit to work through, first. And Jamie also has his own.

I think that, at his core, Jamie wants to be a good person. His time at Richmond has seen him growing into one, and in his head I think he at least partially equates that to Ted's influence. So he wants to stay in Ted's good graces, because like he's said he never got a lot of support from older male figures, and that's clearly something he craves. He wants Ted's approval, but there's also the fact that Ted has left him during confrontations with his dad twice, and in Jamie's eyes, sent him away to Manchester City right after he started trying. Need for approval paired with feeling like he's walking a very fragile line and can't quite trust anything about his relationship with Ted to stay safe.

Ted holds onto a desperate need to fix things. When you see someone hurt themselves, or lose them to mental illness, it's traumatic. It makes you wonder if you could have, should have, done more. Seen it coming. If you could have stopped it. Ted said to Dr. Sharon that “I wasn’t ever gonna let anyone get by me without understanding that they might be hurting inside.” So now he walks through life trying to make sure everybody stays OK, except for himself. And you can't do that. It's not healthy. So when he sees Jamie, this twenty-something-year-old kid with a fucked up relationship with his dad, Ted can't see it clearly. He's so caught up in his own father-related trauma that he projects that onto Jamie. He gives Jamie the advice that he means for himself. Ted needs to forgive his father, so that he can process the grief and the trauma and move forward. Ted needs to give that to himself. But that is incredibly dangerous advice to give someone who's father is clearly shown to be emotionally and physically abusive.

Ted and Jamie both have a lot of father-related trauma. But their situations are not at all applicable to each other, it's just that Ted can't see that because he hasn't worked through any of his own issues. Which leads to complicated relationships and shitty, dangerous advice. There we go.

Woo! That was long.

#ted lasso #jamie tartt #james tartt sr #ted lasso's father #ted lasso & jamie tartt #psychology!#relating psychology to tv show characters aka my favorite pastime #tw mention of mental illness #tw implied abuse #tw suicide mention #tw abuse #tw trauma #cw mention of mental illness #cw abuse #cw trauma #cw suicide mention #asteria argo #maisie speaks

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sunkissed-zegras · 25 days

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Hamster nonnie on the computer get ready. This is a big heavy so buckle up... plz :b

Or I'm soaking your socks in pickle juice, your favorite fucking socks at that >:b.

Touching on a topic I've mentioned in the past; about how The girls are lucky the manager is the way she is.

People who have been on the team with the manager years before, make it a point to tell the freshman to "Be grateful that she's as understanding and empathetic as she is, don't take it for granted." I see the manger as someone who was doing summer training before she officially became the manger, and had some situations to deal with then and very quickly showed that she may be remorseful, but she will not put up with your shit.

I've talked about how the manager want's to be petty soooo fucking bad when the girls hurt her, or piss her off, or whatever; but she can't. She understands. Going back to the manager being an academic weapon I heavily suspect that due to the broken family she came from, she's taken Psychology classes to try and understand why. How does the brain work, why did her dad leave, why is her mom barely present.

She wanted answers so she threw herself into Psychology thinking that that was going to give her what she wanted, but quickly she realized the harsh reality of the actions of the people around her. It wasn't some chemical deficiency, It wasn't an Illness, people just sometimes are like that. This realization really took a tole on her, I feel like us as people have that realizations sometimes that people are just bad people regardless of what mentality they have. There was no excuse.

During this time she also got familiar with co existence within cause and effect:

Yes she is resilient, and she needs a break.

Yes she was sure, and things change.

Yes she forgives that person, and that does not mean acsess.

Yes others have it worse, and your pain is still valid.

Yes she gave it her all, and she needs to back up.

Yes her parent's did all they could, and their choices wounded her.

Yes she can understand the situation, your frustration, your emotions, and that does not mean that it was right to take it out on her.

And I feel like that ^ always sends the girls and even Geno into a loop. Of how understanding she it whilst also standing 10 toes down on that boundary that just because she understands, does not mean it was okay. Being stern yet caring, putting up a border for space because she needs it, but it's soft enough to touch when she's needed.

When any of the girls know they fucked up, while they may be hesitant, and sensing the aura the manger is giving them. They still feel comfortable stepping up and apologizing when they feel ready. She's build this empire of warmth and nurturing covered with fences full of thorns as a reminder of acceptance but stinging realizations.

There's that comfort but also that professional boarder that she also puts up, not to caring and kind to make it seems as though what happened was okay & they're back on good terms, but not cold and stoic enough to make it seem as through they've revived someone who is just their manager and a void of who used to be their friend.

-🐹(sorry not sorry for the angst nehhehhehhehheh)

oh my hod, you’ve done it again nonnie 😮‍💨😮‍💨 this is ABSOLUTE GOLD!!!!

she’s such a psych girly i’m so glad we agree on this because yes!!! she’s such a healthy communicator too bc she knows that if you keep it all in, it’ll blow up in your face HOWEVER she never pushes them to open up until they want to, cause she also knows that isn’t good either

I ALSO LOVE WE CAN GALK AB RHE FUNNIEST SHIT ONE SECOND AND THEN NOW WE’RE PSYCHO-ANALYZING HER ITS SO FUNNY😭😭😭😭😭😭

this entire ask is just chefs kiss 💋

#🐹 nonnie!#uconn wbb manager thoughts 💭

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theconstitutionisgayculture · 1 year

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Way too many people really don't understand what forgiveness is, either as a real life concept or a literary theme, as God does it show. Especially in literary or fandom discussions where people seem to think a character being forgiven or getting a redemption arc means "everything they did is good now" or "the person doing the forgiving is admitting fault for what that character did to them". Both of which are utterly wrong and completely invalidate the entire point of forgiveness. If someone did nothing wrong, then there's nothing to forgive. The presence of forgiveness indicated that either a negative action took place, or an action took place that negatively effected someone else. So forgiving someone isn't about saying they never did anything wrong, or admitting that you were wrong. That's a very childish way to view the world, tbh. Life isn't a series of actions that have two sides, right and wrong, and everyone is either on one side or the other. But that's a whole other thing.

The reason why forgiveness is such a big theme in fiction and in society (aside from the obvious religious inspiration in largely Christian cultures) isn't because someone who wronged you "deserves" forgiveness, or because their feelings matter more than the feelings of the people they've wronged, or anything like that. It's to highlight that holding on to hatred hurts you more than it hurts the person who wronged you. And that's a lesson that's especially needed today when, not only do people hold onto things forever, but the act of healing from trauma or mental illness is seen as immoral or bad in some way. How many people out there are in or approaching their 30s and are still mad about being bullied in high school? How many times have you heard someone say "I hate men because my dad was abusive" or "I hate women because I was cheated on" or "I hate white people because some long dead white person I never met enslaved some long dead relative I also never met"? Does holding onto that hate ever make a single person happier? Does it ever effect their life in positive ways? Or does it just fester and make them bitter and hateful? Does it make them more likely to perform actions against others that are similar to the actions that were performed against them?

If you think about those questions honestly for even a second, the answer is obvious. All hate does is bring about more hate. Forgiveness, both in real life and in literature, is about you letting go and moving on. It's about spending your life having a positive impact on yourself and those around you instead of being mad and miserable and spreading that misery to others. It's about being free. It ultimately has nothing to do with the person who hurt you. It's all about you. You don't even need to ever tell the person you forgive them. Because in the end, the power that most other people have over you is the power you give them. And why would you want someone who wronged you, someone who most likely doesn't care about you, that kind of power over your emotions and your actions, sometimes for decades? Because that's all you're doing by willfully living in the worst parts of your past.

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angry-geese · 2 months

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Goose, my beloved my bestie, if I want to get into the Fallout universe, where do I start and what do I need to know?? (pls infodump 🥰 I figured an ask post would be easiest so I don’t lose it)

i had to hop onto my laptop to type this out because i already know its going to be long xD

adding a cut so this doesnt take up the entire dash skdjhfskhj

tbh it's pretty hard to play through the series chronologically because it's not really one consistent story: it's a bunch of different stories being told in the same setting. i think the best place to start kind of comes down to which you enjoy most: rpg elements, story, or gameplay.

the older games (like 1 & 2) grant you the most freedom as far as roleplaying goes, but their top-down aspect can be a little off-putting to some people, as well as (at least from personal experience) they're a lot less forgiving than the newer games. your build has to be pretty particular in the beginning if you want to survive combat. even if I'm playing a speech heavy character, i find that i have to tag unarmed/melee skills just to get through the tutorial sequence in the beginning of 2 if i want to survive the intro. a lot of people like them due to their rpg value. it feels like your choices really matter in the wasteland. compared to the later games, they're pretty lax with what they let you do. there's not really a lot of icons on the map telling you where to go or what to do. personally, i need a little more direction when playing a game, but i understand the appeal. out of all of the fallout games, 1 & 2 are probably the ones i have the least hours into out of all of them

fallout 3 and New Vegas are a little clunky with their combat systems but that can be blamed on their age (and probably nv's shorter development time). new vegas and 3 are quite different but im lumping them together because they came out around the same time. new vegas is a cult classic. probably the most (at least openly) loved of all the fallout games, and for good reason. the story felt like old fallout while using the same game engine as the newer one. a lot of the same people who worked on the first two fallouts went to work for obsidian (who developed new vegas) after black isle studios went under so they took a lot of their ideas for the original fallout 3 (which was meant to be another top down one set in California if I'm remembering correctly!) but made it into the 3d rpg style we know today. the combat can feel a little clunky in fnv, but if you want to play a game that has the feeling of "old fallout" with the gameplay of the newer ones, new vegas would be a good place to start

fallout 3 was the first game i got into back when it came out in like 2008 bc my brother had it for his old xbox xD. compared to 4 and new vegas, the capital wasteland is a lot less populated and more barren feeling than other games. supplies and ammo are rarer (assuming you don't know where to look for them) making the game feel like more of a struggle. it makes sense seeing as you start out as a squishy vault dweller who has never seen the wasteland before. story-wise it's pretty good. you can bypass like the first half of the main storyline by just making a beeline to where your dad is in vault 114(?? I'm blanking on the number rn so this might not be the right vault) and avoiding megaton altogether. i don't recommend doing this though because you will miss A LOT of worldbuilding and experience/levels. as far as rpg elements go, you can either be a savior of the wasteland or a real evil bastard depending on what you choose. it feels like you really make a difference for all the settlements/people you decide to help. part of my gripe with this game comes down to the ending. ill avoid spoilers as much as i can just in case you want to play through the game but im not a fan of games you cant continue playing after the ending especially when there's a workaround with one of the companions. overall fallout 3 is pretty enjoyable if you can look past the limitations of the game engine

If you want something that's a lot more forgiving during gameplay, but still feels like the wasteland, I'd start with fallout 4! the combat handles a lot better than 3 & new vegas, but as far as rpg elements go, you're kind of railroaded into the typical good-guy path which i personally don't mind because that tends to be my playstyle in games anyway lmaoooo. fo4 was one of the first "mainstream" fallout games so the story is made to appeal to a more general audience. it's not nearly as dark as the storyline of the earlier games although you can find these more ominous elements tucked away in terminals and environmental storytelling. this game has some of my favorite companions out of the entire series, and fo4 has one of my favorite dlc's out of the entire series which is Far Harbor. if you're into modding your games, the community for fo4 was still pretty active for it even before the show came out. i know a lot of fans of the series have a gripe with the storyline of this game in particular due to it railroading you down a certain path. not to mention, a lot of the actions you make in the commonwealth feel like they don't really change the outcome. however the gameplay is pretty forgiving to someone who hasn't played this series before. your starting stats aren't really the difference between life or death as they give you a lot of room for error. i personally really enjoy the settlement building system and i'd love to see it implemented in later games with tweaks to make it even better. I'm also pretty biased in what i say about fo4 because i have the most hours into it out of any of the other fallout games and it's very near and dear to my heart xD

also slightly related to fallout 4-- if you're looking for a youtuber with some amazing settlement ideas, i really like the creator IfThenCreate who has a whole ongoing series about different settlement builds around the commonwealth. she's very charming and her videos are very cozy and tbh i could listen to her for hours (which i probably actually have because her videos about sanctuary hills are like four hours combined xD). not all of her content is fallout related but at the moment she has probably one of my favorite fallout related series :3

tbh i can't really speak a whole lot about fallout 76. out of all of the games (ignoring tactics and the brotherhood of steel ones) it's probably the game i have the least hours into. as far as gameplay goes, it seems pretty solid. i enjoyed the way they did Appalachia, but I don't think this is the best game to start with if you're just getting into the series. 4 or new vegas is going to be a better place to start imo

if you have amazon prime I'd say start with the show ksdjfkj I've only seen the first two episodes (as of right now at least) but it looks amazing so far. it's the best way to dip your toes into the series without having to commit yourself to tens or hundreds of hours of gameplay xD

also if you get into the games prepare for them to crash. like a lot xD my poor old xbox one could barely handle downtown Boston in fo4 and while it's definitely better on my computer, it still struggles. i also tend to mod my games to hell so that might be part of my problem lmaoaoao. the games can be buggy at times (especially the Bethesda ones) but if you can look past that they're all pretty enjoyable

#goose answers #ari <3 #its perfect timing you ask this because like all of the fallout games are on sale on steam right now xD #it was like 6 in the morning when i started writing this so sorry if its a little incomprehensible xD #this is all my opinion of course and i think some of the beauty within this series comes with finding out which part of it you like best :)#as far as pc v console goes i dont really have an opinion on it #the first two games i think you can only play on pc #i find a controller is easier to use for shooter games but my computer tends to run fallout better than my console #but console is the one i have more hours on by far #so really it comes down to personal prefrence lol

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boston-babies · 2 years

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Chris & Brandon

Brandon found his dad and Dani over by one of the carnival games and walked over “ping pong ball in a fish bowl?” Dani nodded “Daddy’s testing out his beer pong skills” Chris stopped and gave Dani a look “Danica Taralynn” she shrugged “what? I’m twenty not stupid” Chris gave her a disapproving look “could you not say it in front of your very impressionable one year old brother” She looked down at Teddy who was happily munching on his animal crackers and seemingly off in his own world. She looked back up at her father “I think he’s fine Dad”

Chris shook his head and looked back to Brandon “whats up Bran?” Brandon put his hands in his pockets “I was actually wondering if we could talk?” Chris nodded “yeah of course”. Dani took that as her cue to leave. She picked Teddy up, placed him on her hip and walked off “Come on Teddy Bear, let’s go embarrass Ryan in front of his girlfriend”

Chris and Brandon shook their heads. “Let’s take a walk” They walked in silence until they got some where a little quieter “what’s on your mind Bran?” Brandon took a deep breath “look I know you’ve already talked to Dani, Ryan and Brady but I just wanted to talk one on one too” He sighed “look I know I’m always the quiet twin that doesn’t get involved and tends to keep more of a level head then Ryan and Brady but honestly dad it really pissed me off too with what you did to mom”

Chris nodded “and you have every right to be mad Brandon, what I did was cruel and selfish. My first thought should have been to not hurt any of you. I’m also not expecting you to ever forgive me for this but I do need you to know that no matter what happens between your mom and I, I will always love you no matter what”

Brandon looked down at his feet and nodded “you can’t hurt mom like this any more. You haven’t really seen the pain you’ve put her through but we all have and seeing mom that heart broken is devastating. If you ever hurt mom again, I truly will never forgive you and I will make sure along with Ryan and Brady that you won’t go near her again if you do”

Chris nodded “I understand and I give you my word Brandon that I’ll never hurt your mom again and Ill spend the rest of my life making it up to all of you” Brandon nodded “okay but this is the last chance” “and I promise you I won’t take it for granted”

Brandon gave his dad a hug “I’m holding you to that Dad”

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jojoturnip · 2 months

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It's the first kidney stone I've had since living with you.

I realized after moving out that they had much less to do with my diet and much more to do with stress. Living with you hurt me in a lot of ways, especially at the end.

And, I'm not saying it's all you, obviously. I made a habit of piling my plate so full that I wouldn't have too see past the mountain of things to do to the work of healing and rebuilding myself. Our third roommate, the fleas, transitioning from college to working full time. That was all stress.

But, in my last few months of living with you, I was getting stones regularly. Something that had never happened before. And I'd had those busy-body habits most of my life.

It's heartbreaking, you know? Because I really did love you. I really did want to be your friend forever. I really would've lived with you again.

But, I was hurting myself.

I don't think you ever noticed it. I want to think you didn't know you were hurting me.

The first time I really cried after leaving was when I found out that you weren't narcoleptic. I'd always imagined that you couldn't get out of bed and do it yourself. That it had to be me by default, not by your choice.

I'm not so certain anymore.

That's not to say I don't believe you can't be chronically ill and struggle to get out of bed in another way. Of course you can.

But I was passing fucking kidney stones the whole goddamn time, and I still carried myself and then part of you, too.

Today was the first day I've taken off sick at my job. I really haven't felt sick much at all--a rarity for me in through the winter months. The latest stone came from stress, I invited my grandparents over after not speaking to them for three years.

I was so scared and nervous and just out of my mind. I did everything I could to distract myself, but I felt terrible. I knew I had to do it, before August rolled around. Sooner rather than later. I'd promised.

It makes sense that they're coming stressed me out enough to give me a stone. It makes sense that I've had more nightmares keeping me up recently.

What doesn't make sense is that they handled everything better than you did.

I spoke the truth to them. Not about everything, but enough. They don't need to know my whole story. We just have to find neutral ground. For my sister. For her daughter.

It hurt, and I cried so much the whole time, and they didn't even remember some of the hardest parts of my life. They tried to argue they had done more to face my father when we were kids, to get him to be a better dad, but they claimed he was out of their control. Claimed that he still is.

We're not on friendly terms. I doubt we ever will be, but they took it all so much better than you. They recognized I had my own life, and that I wouldn't be taking abuse or staying silent about it any longer. I'd felt my ted-talk communication skills kick in, and I'd expressed understanding for their side, too. It would be hard to accept your son is a shit father.

They can't deny it much anymore. He's scheduled a cruise for when his granddaughter is due.

Things haven't been easy lately. Hell, I've met so many of my darkest fears head on since the end of last year. My world has flipped inside-out, upside-down. But, I've been pushing through it okay. I'm so much stronger than I thought I was.

It breaks my heart again after meeting with my grandparents to know there was an option for a different reality. You could've been there, beside me, carrying our own loads but lifting each other all the while. We could've grown closer. We could still be friends.

I miss you a lot. I'm not afraid to say that. I can hold the contradictive love and fear in my hands. Do you still have nuance, even though she detests it?

Sometimes, I wish you were still around. I have so many stories to tell you, so many questions to ask. Sometimes I wish my therapist would tell me that I had done something wrong so I could grovel at your knees and beg for forgiveness, beg to start again.

I'll always miss you. But, you weren't healthy for me. And I know you aren't safe for my loved ones now.

I have to live with missing you. And the fears you've left behind.

At least there are fewer kidney stones.

#no one would believe the amount of times I have peed today #tmi but I'm tired of the kidney stone #and I have only had this one moving for a couple of days #how on earth did I manage last summer?#my writing #add this one to the lists of reasons to not go back to bad people #My body literally rejects it!#but my heart is like oh but i miss the good times #is my whole life a series of honeymoons? completely possible #whoop gotta pee again ig #folks who are reading this: why?

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mycomori · 3 months

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i hate him. i hate that i trusted him. i hate that i related to him. i hate that i could become him. it’s like overnight wilbur went from being a constant source of comfort and happiness to someone i would rather die than become, just like my fucking dad. blah blah daddy issues i’ve heard it all and i don’t care. i don’t know him, but this betrayal feels so fucking personal, it’s like i’m reliving it with my dad all over again. and shitty part is ive never really talked through everything with my dad, never truly confronted him and if i ever did it was when i wasn’t in my right head and i payed a big price in further trauma for opening my mouth. i learned early it’s easier to keep you mouth shut. and i never planed to confront him, i still don’t plan to. he’s an old man, he know she made mistakes and he suffers for it i can tell. i love him so much to let my silence be his peace, but it’s not my peace. its my living hell. it’s what keeps me so stuck. it’s what keeps me drinking long after i desperately needed the comfort of alcohol. it’s what makes me so sure ill never be able to stop smoking weed for fear ill fall apart. it’s what made me swore to never have kids even though i want them. it’s what made me terrified of relationships and swear off them entirely. it’s what made me simultaneously so trusting and so fucking distrustful. and it feels like this a hit to the heart, something vital in me broke when i realized who he really was. not because of him, but because of how prevalent he was in my life when it came to things i turned to for comfort, how his content made me smile and laugh and cry and furious all together. it all feels tainted now, ruined by the truth of who he really is. a man just like my father, mentally ill and unable to process his pain without hurting those he’s supposed to love and care for. and that’s just another way i can almost relate to and understand him. but i can’t accept it. i can never accept that. i am desperate to go back to blissful ignorance just as i was with my father but i know all too well i can never do that. i’m not a person who can ignore a wrongdoing like this. i forgive but i never forget. and this isn’t my wrong to forgive. so i just remember. how fucking shitty it is to always be the one who remembers…

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isleofdarkness · 1 year

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hii!! i just found your page and your au is super well structured//

but who is exactly is constantine (parents, personality, etc.) and what is their backstory? what is their deal with mim? what pushed they to make the deal? how does the deal effect them, positively and negatively? what groups on the isle are they in? also how do the deals with mim work with constantine, lydia, and zevon? are there any social repercussions that people face through making a deal?

sorry if it’s a lot, but i just wanted to clear some stuff up. but this is all really cool!!// -silver

(This probably won't make much sense but I just spent an hour on it so if you see any typos, no you didn't. And never apologize for sending an ask.)

Constantine is the chosen name of Hans Westergaard the second, he changed it because he doesn't want to share a name with that monster. His parents are Hans Westergaard of the Southern Isles and Nerissa "Queen of Bitchville, born from a long line of shitty mothers." He's Anna Westergaard's older brother at 19.

Anyone who's met Constantine would describe him as a very sweet kid. They would tell you about how shy and quiet he is, how happy he is, how he seems like he doing so much better than everyone else on the Isle.

Most people are idiots.

Yes, Constantine is naturally gentle and forgiving and quiet, but a lot of the things people think are cute about him are actually iceberg symptoms of a long list of disorders. Constantine has both selective and elective mutism, borderline personality disorder, pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified, multiple motor disorders, multiple speech disorders, internalized emotional dysregulation, reduced affect display, multiple types of anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, a lot of worrying coping mechanisms, and an attachment issue that I can't find a name to but definitely should have a name. Constantine has a lot of issues from how he was raised. As a result, people he doesn't trust see Constantine when he's protecting himself. They see him employing a long list of survival mechanisms and repression of a lot of his personality because that's what he's learned will protect him. These behaviours will keep people from hurting him, so he doesn't try to hide them. The ones that would make people angry or would let people see the real him get hidden. To almost everyone, Constantine plays a part. Only two other people see who he really is.

Constantine is extremely emotionally intelligent, he can practically read minds. Even with Lydia, who experiences emotion in an abnormal way and hides what she does feel. Constantine can read her like a book. He has a sailor's mouth and an extremely dark sense of humour, but he makes sure he doesn't make people uncomfortable. He laughs at everything, even the dumbest of dad jokes, even things that other people wouldn't find humour in. He understands technology like no one else. Give him a pile of junk and he can make you an artificial heart that functions perfectly. He'll listen to every story anyone is willing to tell him and will beg Lydia to read any book he can get his hands on because he never learned how. He's the kind who would give his left arm if someone needed it but there's no way in hell you're touching his charger. He loves, trusts, and forgives Lydia and Zevon no matter what. He makes sure they both eat, sleep, and take care of themselves. He makes sure Lydia knows how beautiful she is, scars and all, and makes sure that Zevon doesn't doubt his intelligence for a second. He hugs them both at least once a day, tells them that he loves them, and makes sure that they know that, no matter what, he's proud of them. He supports them.

As for his story...

Warning for below the cut- forced underage prostitution, childhood sexual abuse, childhood physical abuse, complete lack of safety and anyone he could trust growing up, slavery, body horror involving mould, mental illness, and traumatic amputation

Hans started selling Constantine when he was a few months old. Constantine basically left the house when he was three months old and didn't come back until he was eight, because Hans would just toss him between brothels to try and figure out which one had the highest amount of paedo clients. He never had a safe, solid foundation, never had someone taking care of him for more than a few weeks at a time. He didn't even know he had a sister, who was two years younger than him, until he caught a small glimpse of her when Nerissa had him dragged back home. She was looking for magic and was trying to drain it from people with inherent magic. Constantine can't actively use magic, but he's constantly absorbing it and storing it. He's kind of a magical reservoir. When someone needs some in a pinch, such as what's about to happen, they can take some from him to begin to replenish their own.

Nerissa tried to use this reservoir. She reached into his chest, wrapped her hands around his heart, and started draining his magic.

It's been well over a decade since that happened, but Constantine will never forget the feeling of his own mother taking his life and rending his soul. He will never forget the way she grinned as she destroyed him.

And then Dawn got between them.

Constantine hadn't known, but this had been going on for weeks. His mother had killed over a dozen people and tried to kill a couple dozen more. The hardest hitters (Justice, Maverick, Mordred, Desdemona,) couldn't get close- if that magic got into Nerissa's hands, the damage would be unparalleled. But Dawn, with a magic of misery and decay, could.

When Nerissa reached into Dawn's heart, she didn't know that Dawn had focused every tiny piece of her godly magic around it. The shock of that level of power lowered her walls, and Dawn put everything she had into her attack. Constantine watched as black mould filled Nerissa's veins and organs, as Devil's Fingers ripped through her skin, as Dawn forced an immortal body to decompose in the most powerful was she could think of. It lasted maybe fifteen seconds but it put the fear of the gods into him.

When Dawn collapsed, trying to force her magicks to stabilize so she wouldn't incinerate Constantine and Anna, Constantine put a hand on her shoulder on reflex and let her draw from the reservoir. He'll never forget how hard Dawn was shaking.

"I can't do that again- fuck, I can't play with my humanity like that. If I..." she shuddered, taking a deep breath. It was easy to tell she was speaking to only herself. "That'll keep her down for maybe two days but that's all I can do. There's no way to fix this, she's gonna wipe us out-"

"Or," a new voice trilled. Constantine whipped around to face the newcomer, and grinning woman with a mane of purple hair. Despite her tiny stature and obvious age, he immediately identified her as a threat. "You know my offer, dear."

"And you know my answer, Auntie." Dawn forced herself to her feet, black eyes narrowed in contempt. "I said no and when I say no, I mean it. And the same goes for Justice. Our answers aren't changing and if you keep harassing us, Styx'll kick your ass so hard your spine will pop outta your mouth like some kind of PEZ dispenser. I don't care how close we are to family, I am this close to ending you. It doesn't count as spilling your blood if I turn your blood cells into black mould spores and fill your brain with yellowjackets and make horseshoe crabs fill your lungs and-"

Long story short, Dawn spent a good five minutes detailing to Madam Mim how she was going to use the forces of predation, decomposition, and a bunch of other stuff to make her suffer if she didn't stop bugging her and Justice. What had she been bothering Dawn and Justice about?

She'd offered that she would take away Nerissa's ability to steal magic if they sold their souls to her. Considering Dawn was part primordial and Justice can alter probability in her immortal favor, neither of them could do that.

But Constantine could. He didn't have anything that could hurt anyone, just something that could help people. He struck a deal, his soul for Mim taking away Nerissa's terrifying power, and his condition was that she could never stop him from giving the magic that he couldn't use to people who needed it. He was eight when he sold his soul.

For one sweet year, his life got better. Then he was sold to Maddy Mim, and what little happiness he'd built around himself came crashing down.

Madam Mim didn't have much need for cruelty, only control. As long as he did what she said, he wouldn't get punished. After eight years of sex work, Constantine was very good at doing what he was told. But that wasn't enough for Maddy.

Maddy loves causing pain. She would find any excuse to cause pain. She would cause pain when she was bored, when she was happy, when she was angry, when she had a few minutes where she didn't have anything to do. And her grandmother sold her three perfect punching bags.

Lydia, Constantine, and Zevon.

Constantine had it the worst. Zevon could go into its head and it wouldn't feel pain, wouldn't remember what happened. Lydia was hard to punish directly because she has absolutely no pain response and doesn't care what happens to her. Constantine, however, feels pain. He's been trained to express pain his entire life, sometimes to express pain he doesn't even feel. Constantine was fun.

He also became a way to punish the other two (usually Lydia.) If they do something wrong, it's probably going to be him getting hurt. Maddy's favourite way to get back at Lydia quickly became to chain her to the wall and force her to watch the consequences of her actions. Maddy would sell an hour with Constantine to the cruellest of the cruel, the ones who would love to have their way with someone they didn't have to worry about killing. Gaston is a regular. In fact, it's usually him. Sometimes Maddy will force Lydia to torture Constantine, or she'll force her to say cruel things until Constantine is in tears. That's how Constantine lost his leg- Maddy forced Lydia to take an axe to it.

But if she wanted this to make the three resent each other, it hasn't worked. If anything, the three are closer because of what she's put them through. Lydia and Zevon are the only two Constantine welcomes touch from. Constantine and Zevon are the only two allowed to treat Lydia's wounds and see her more humiliating scars. Constantine and Lydia are the only two Zevon trusts around it while it's asleep or otherwise vulnerable. Instead of pitting the three of them against each other, she's pitted the three of them against the world.

#the darkness speaks

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currymuncherxxx0 · 6 months

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Obey me demon brothers with a Chav! Mc

Okay so this hc is gonna be comedy lol. Its the obey me brothers with an mc who is such a chav. A chav is basically a very popular British girl in British schools or anywhere it doesn't have be in school lol. If you're British you'll understand lmao. #chav

As you arrived in devildom you had a very salty look on your face. Your fake lashes falling off, your face looking disgusted and your orange foundation and dark contour stands out.

Lucifer: Lucifer will obviously be very annoyed and irritated. This human causes more chaos than mammon himself. She's too loud and petty. And not to forget, the litres of Victoria's secret perfume sprayed on herself and in her room. It killed his airways. Lucifer comes to her to scold her about spraying too much perfume in the house of lamentation until she replies "Oh my god bruv, it actually bare stinks in this room yeah, you lot need to know what hygiene is." With that, Lucifer got frustrated. "MC! DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CONTINUE TO SPRAY PERFUME IN THE HOUSE??! IT WILL DAMAGE THE AIR!!" "Okay and, I don't care fam. It still smells like clapped pussios." Lucifer gets more confused now. More and more confused. He don't know a single thing about British slang. But as time went on, the MC and lucifer did have a love hate relationship. In fact, Lucifer even wanted to visit London with MC.

Mammon: Being the second born tsundere, Mammon is obviously gonna be like, "Oi, I don't like ya, MC!" and then he blushes. But when the MC is like, "Okay and? You keep staring at me like a bare madman still. You're clapped anyways." Mammon got more confused. What is clapped? As soon as he finds out what it actually means, Mammon starts sobbing into his pillows every day and night. Although Mammon was an idiot, he was never insulted by someone he loved. Since all of his brothers treated him like shit and insulted him badly. He had to cope with that trauma. A few weeks later, the MC realises how much she's hurt his feelings. "Look bruv. I'm sorry, okay? Look, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings still. It's just that I grew up having to be a salty skept. Forgive me still." With that, Mammon is a bit skeptical but forgives mc. The next time any roadman try to shank MC up, Mammon is here with her in his demon form. And if any girl tries to steal Mammon away from the MC, MC will smoke them still.

Leviathan: Now we all know that Levi is always in his room, watching some random h3nt@1 shit or playing video games. And he probably didn't shower for weeks. And because of that, MC does laugh at him. "Oi you man. What the fuck did you do with your hair, why does it look like some purple bowl? Are you Justin Bieber on crack mate? You're butters! Take a shower as well, fam." With that, Levi was just like "w-well you're obviously not gonna l-like a-an o-otaku like m-me." I swear, this guy gives pick me boy vibes. But the second that Levi takes off his shirt and his toned, outlined 6 pack and chest is showing, the MC is more confused now and also intrigued. "O-oi, MC, s-stop l-looking at me!" "Alai, you're actually so fit icl. You're leng. Since when did you have a chocolate bar shaped body when you're in that prison all day just busting shit?? You're tasty, bruv." And with that, the two of them have hate love relationships again. Levi swears to protect the MC from the opps. And MC swears to scrap anyone who even steals her bf away.

Satan: Well, Satan does has anger and daddy issues. So don't fuck with him or else you'll get smoked by him innit. "Oi, you! Yeah you, you yeah! You look like Cat Noir from poundland still." With that, Satan gets angry. "Well at least I'm smarter than you, kid." He's a bit angry. "You're calling big man a kid?? Nah. I'm a big man, pussio. I'll chef you and your dad up, wait you have daddy issues lololol" Satan has turned intona green flash and then into his demon form. "WTF DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME, B***!! ILL FUCKNG BREAK YOUR NECK!!" Satan was destroying everything around him now. "Okay okay fam, calm down fam. No need to act mental and that, get a grip mate. Sorry fam. Geez, you're so sensitive blud." Throughout time, they're still enemies. Yeah.

Asmodeus: Asmo is gonna be the one that the MC hates the most. MC thinks that he's too feminine as a man. As Asmo applies a heavy amount of foundation, concealer, contour, blusher, face powder, glittery pink, orange and yellow eyeshadow, thick eyeliner, long long false lashes, highlighter, bronzer and purple lipstick, MC just looks at him, weirdly. "What the fuck are you doing, bruv? You look bare zesty." Asmo does not know a single thing about British slang so instead he says this. "Oh, sorry for stating the facts that I'm beautiful hun. You're just jealous that I can blend my contour and concealer better than you, you just look more orange than Donald trump, your crusty musty looking concealer lips." MC gets angry. "Oi, what the fuck did you just say to me, bruv?? Do you wanna scrap?? I'll smoke you fam, don't fuck with me innit." Asmo isn't scared at all. "Well try and do that, love. You won't be able to walk the next day, hun~~~ 😏" of course he's gonna be some horny ass mf.

Beelzebub: Tbh, I think MC would kind of get along with Beel. Yes, she would find it irritating that beel eats the whole fridge but still. I have a feeling tha MC would actually have a crush on Beel. "Oi, Ed Sheeran looking man! Yeah you! You're leng still! You look fit! Man eats the whole fridge and still has bare tits and biceps." And yeah, MC and beel just have a nice friendship. As time went on, Beel smoked more oops and roadmen who touched MC and MC scrapped any chav that would lay a finger on her bodybuilder bf.

Sorry I didn't add belphie, I'll try to do that in the next part 😭

#obey me shall we date #obey me mc

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euphraisette · 2 years

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college au hcs college au hcs !!!

we always talk about les amis studying what they canonically study but what about cosette and eponine !!! (even though i have no knowledge about how college works in america, forgive my british self)

- cosette 100% does something in social sciences like anthropology but then has a dual degree with something that seems random like classics or art history but it makes sense for her despite everyone thinking its cliche that the new money girl that came from a very poor background but elevated socially with her dad majors in anthropology especially since she’s dating marius and ep’ and everyone’s like « oh yeah she’s dating pontmercy of course she’s into social studies » but it goes so much further than wanting to right the wrongs of society !! she wants to understand why people are the way they are and how povs clashes between metaphysical and physical experiences and she loves debating and getting everyone’s opinion and every point of view she can on every event which is why she loves history as well because everything is factual and it allows her to be grounded in something and to have the stability she needs. also she has a greek mythology and ancient politics hyperfixation so it was just the obvious study path for her

- eponine on the other hand is a woman in STEM ill always be an engineering ‘ponine truther !!!! she either does mechanical or electrical engineering because she likes building things and feeling useful and she always pitches the best ideas in her group projects and assignments!! she gets internships so fast and every factory wants to hire her for their internship she’s literally THE woman in STEM !!

Okay I am OBSESSED with these thank you for sharing anon <33333

Cosette has ALWAYS been a dual major in my heart, I've always felt she would go into law or something adjacent after Valjean told her the story of her mother right as she's deciding to leave home to go to college, and from that point on she's determined to become a public defender of sorts to make sure people get help the way Fantine wasn't able to, but she also loves history (i'm obsessed with the greek mythology thing wow) and decides to make that her other major in that and hopes to someday retire from being a lawyer and work in a museum. her minor is either dance or theatre because she's been taking ballet since she was a kid and she's really good, realistically she could go join a company or something but she wants to LEARN (plus in my head all of the Amis are doing SOMETHING in the arts, even just recreationally, and that how they mostly all met)

I LOVE Ep as a kickass STEM lady yessssss I love it. Personally I'm leaning towards her getting into like cyber security or something, since (because of her parents) she knows how people hack and steal money really well, and she even though she doesn't really have the money or a formal education background the school just lets her in once they see how proficient she is and they try to keep plausible deniability by not asking too many questions a la frank abagnale jr. She really likes what she does and likes feeling like she overcame her shitty background to do something really useful in stopping criminals from hurting people, but mostly she's in it for the money. she wants to buy a big ass house for her and gavroche to live in and a few guest rooms for everybody, with more than enough fine clothing and furniture and food whenever they need it, never having to worry about going without and doing it all on the up-and-up. That's really Ep's biggest dream, is to be successful and provide for herself and gavroche without having to resort to crime the way her folks did when she was young, as a way to prove to herself that she's better than them (everybody already knows she is)

#thank you for sending this and letting me ramble about my hcs anon i love you #hcs

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dear-tumby · 2 years

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just got out of a manic episode lol

yeah so im depressed now, no longer depresion haha funnys more like depresion no hahas and im pretty sure im scaring off my boyfriend so yeah, he stopped talking/hanging out with me when i was being honest about my feelings, like i was there when he relasped but i start talking my crazy shit and then suddenly mental illness is off the table??? whatever its not even like i like him or nothing like that. i dont understand why i do this to myself, this is just turning into a rant but ive been holding this down for so long it feels good to scream it out into the void that is tumblr yk? also like i drew on cut marks because it hurts less plus i can just wash that off, yk i do that a lot i put on makeup that made me look like i commeted suicide bc i was sad and suicidle(who would have gussed???) plus i just found this collage i really want to go to but no one belives i can do it and i act like that makes me wanna do it more but really it just shows how much people belive imma be a no body and im so scared im going to be suck here forever like my mom and dad. why does life have to be such a bitch like why do i always gotta screw up everything???? lke i have two boyfriends that care about me yet i want to date this girl thats never gonna love me back?? and when i say love i mean i actually love her so much and i cant talk about it because shell find out that im totally in love with her and shell flip out and distance herself from me and i need her shes my everything and if i don't have her in my life even just as a friend i think i need to switch schools again because that's what i always do, when shit gets rough go and hide because i cant handle all this shit and my parents are finally in a good place (mentally) and im gonna screw it up for them because ill stress them out by ignoring everyone and sleeping through meals and holidays and they'll yell at me because they don't understand and i don't blame them im a mess filled with self pity and gross tindencys so i cant have anyone love me truly because im so gross and i just want the felling of everything to stop, like i want to be so fucking happy that everyone thinks on on drugs, which i was on anti anxiety pills but then i felt nothing so i cut myself bu my dumbass was wearing white pants and my mom found out and yelled at me, and screamed and woke everyone up and my sibling still reminds me about it and every time he does i want to hold him down and beat the shit out of him, like does he even take my mental illness serously, does anyone??? are my parents just pretending to give a shit, at least my mom is, my dad cares for me but he just never says the right things, and i forgive him but i just want nothing to go wrong for once i just want everyone to stop. stop talking to me, stop trying to help but also ignoring my despreat cries for help doesn't make me feel any better and also i don't want to be lied toi want the truth even if it would hurt me yk? i don't know what i want, but i know it'd make me feel safe and happy and no long like everyone's trying to get me, i just want to have someone who'd look at all different sides of me and go "wow their awesome, and sure they do stuff i disagree with but there a good person who's gonna make it big and ill stand with them through thick and thin and its okay they have issues we all do and love every flaw" like im sure my boyfriend would say this but i don't want him to say it i want it shown i want to see and trust i can tell them anything and they'd stick around.

tldr: i was origanally posting this so everyone would know i didnt commet suicide but then it turned into a rant so, yah sorry, uh i read a really good south park fanfic so thats something good that happened, though it reminded me alot of me and me is my enemy rn so i was really angry but in a healthy good way, also thought my dad died but thats justsum good ol paranoia also sorry for all the typos, did ths on my computer at like 11:55 so im kinda half asleep

#tw vent #tw self destructive behavior #vent #but like #i missed tumblr #relationship problems?#im the problem #yipeeee #um #idk what tags to use #sh mention #$elf h4rm #but its not bad

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longlivelevi · 20 days

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Yesterday was confirmation

that I am in a completely different place mentally, and spiritually than that lost child even months ago. I was able to sit across my mother and just love her. Even if she was childish, immature, and so unaware of how her actions affect people around her. I understand now that part of her is also part of her inner alchemist to turn the world into something enjoyable for her. I remember the days when she couldn't move. Stuck to the bed and clearly she was heavily depressed. It broke my heart then. But my care for her was overshadowed by my childish assumptions that she meant to be so difficult, to make my life unecessarily complicated. She tried her best.

I remember her telling me when I was young how she had these mood swings she couldn't control, and I should tell her when she does it. To hug her so she can stop. So, she has always been aware. But she never changed because it's not about changing. It's about being human. How she was punished so excessively as a child. Put inside a barrel when she misbehaved and raised by a mother who is now dangerously mentally ill. She went through hell and found a way to live a life where she can smile. So growing up seeing her as a villain, I can now see her as a hero. My hero. My mother. I forgive you and I love you.

I have a responsibility to stop generational trauma and I have failed a lot already. The burden is heavy and my heart was so soft. It got crushed under the pressure. But all of it made me come closer to the goal. I understand I come from lines of broken families. My father who went through the hell of being a bastard child, under a domineering father that never loved him. The wounds still so prevalent in his eyes and his constant need to prove himself to people that never mattered. I understand, dad. I felt like that too. And I blamed him for so much, for abandoning me. But in truth, me and my mother abandoned him and we had too because he needed to learn to stop using violence as a resort to anxiety, and insecurity.

I come from a line of broken angels. But it's okay because I forgive them. I love my father, my papa. I love my mother. And moving forward, I want that to be the basis of my relationships with them and not the bitterness that has done nothing, but make me go further and further away from who I really am. The pain is important but also inconsequential. We all go through things. It's the character created from that which allows us to be more than it. For me to create things that will heal, I need to provide a way to healing. And in a society where toxic masculinity is so intertwined, where people are so defensive on their faults, where we let the streets decay while living in gated communities, where we allow people to live in slums as the gilded hills look over... Well, there's a lot of things to work through.

As a human being with their own faults, there's some things that are still hard to forgive. But if I can't forgive that then how can I expect anybody to forgive those who have wronged them. Not for those people, but for themselves. Funny how that works, huh?

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francistwentythree · 27 days

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Who do I want to be?

• Vegan in a way that respects animals above all and allows freedom and abundance of enjoyment in food. Literary education on veganism and the facts. A positive impact on the lives of animals. A safe and inviting space for others to come to and speak about it with. Never isolating, always impactful. Firm and sure without needing external validation. Never pushing the agenda when it is expectedly fruitless, never lowering myself by joking about it or appeasing discomfort the topic may cause in others.

• Dryness. I’m not a dry person anymore. I acknowledge it comes from negativity and I no longer hold that negativity in me.

• Thin. I have matched my lowest weight but have more of a butt x I am not interested in food other than as an experience or something to bond over with fellow humans. My body is at it’s happy place.

• Animals

I’m in a home somewhere I can see sprawling fields to one side and trees that change with the seasons on the other. I sit on my patio with my dogs and cats and babies and read a book. I have many favourites now. Books I can talk about and books that have touched me. I feel true whole unchangeable peace.

I love the stars and the night sky and floating in the swirling clouds against the purple night and I love the trees on Brisbane street and the smell of a cold morning in Berwick and I love buying mum a coffee at the shops after she’s bought us movie tickets and lunch and I love my sweet joshi and my silly little Jane and I love the pure joy I feel in the ocean and talking to Clare over an ice cream and when the first note plays at a concert. And I love when a really good oldie comes on somewhere and treasuring nostalgia and walking down collins street knowing it’s not forever but it’s here because I brought it. I love dragging jokes and warm milo and getting engrossed in a show or a book. I love the little breaths joshi takes after a spree of licking himself clean. I love the moment when I’m with the person I love and we both just shared a joke or an idea and I know we’re both thinking about how close we feel in that moment. I love stopping for a coffee in my car I love road trips when we’re leaving the city and suddenly in a big open space. I love pit stops and small towns and markets. I love myself for reaching goals no matter how small. I love that I know I don’t have to hate myself and I can stop it even if it’s hard. I love hearing vance say silly words and seeing how smart and vivid his four year old brain is. I love sweet kind people and I love the kindness in myself even though the world or maybe just my brain might try to make me hate it. A lot of my joy comes from things and ideas and moments where I am alone and that’s okay. It’s okay that I don’t accept other people’s energy when it isn’t beneficial.

I dont want to smoke weed. I dont want to do mdma and ketamine and I dont want to do acid or shrooms. I might one day and ill know if its what i want then. But I want to find the joy and understanding and connection in myself.

I don’t want to vape anymore. I smoke skinny menthols! I don’t smoke too often. I don’t smell of it ever unless I want to.

My softness is inherent and my rage is not. My depression and self loathing is not. My kindness is inherent. My humour. My love.

Depression is anger that had no where to go. I was so angry at my life. I don’t know why. Well. It’s difficult to accept it may have been because I felt entitled to more, to better. But I guess someone who wants more will be angry when they are stopped or unable. I was angry that the world wasn’t built for me, so clearly, so harshly. That I didn’t have the power to build my own because I was a child. I didn’t have the power and I felt weak. And my parents loved me and are good parents but they could not give me some of the things I needed. And I was angry at my sister. And at dad and I was so angry that life wasn’t a movie or a show or what my little brain was shown it could’ve been. I forgive myself for the things I am ashamed of. For the feelings and thoughts and actions I will take to my grave. I forgive myself and I have learnt. I have learnt and that is what matters. I have learnt and changed. I forgive myself that humans do not wake up and interact with the world differently. I forgive the world that it is not an inherently kind place. I trust that I myself can make it a kinder place, for me and those around me.

I don’t hate muslims. I don’t want to hate. I don’t even when I want to burn someone with lasers out of my eyes. I do not hate those yelling free Palestine or think they’re below me. I want to be more educated I want to learn. I want to actively learn and retain.

I release my hyperawrwnwss of my jaw and my mouth and my brows. My beauty is inherent and uncontrollable by little actions. I love myself and I don’t think about myself too often. I have time I move slowly. I find beauty in the dishes and in putting away my laundry. I say no and I prioritise myself. I do not try to appease others. I do not give any energy to those that insult or do not welcome me. I don’t try to fit in with those not meant for me. They are only passing by and there is no reason for me to hold onto them. I release them and pray for them.

I do not force myself to speak in fear of being boring or losing my relationships. I don’t swear as much. I understand the way I speak and I stand by it. By my tone of voice and pronunciation of words - it’s no longe impaired by a too fast brain.

I hold myself highly. I am number one and I care about myself too much to let any other single persons actions or words impact me.

I have loved and I have lost and I have learnt. I release with love and let myself feel pain sometimes at the same time if that’s what I need.

I love myself and because of that I am disciplined. Discipline not from a place of desperately having to but of wanting to. I acknowledge my world view is altered by the media consume and I guard it my mind as if its heavens gate.

People who’s energy I enjoy and who enjoy mine. Media only that is positive, humurous, inspiring or artistic. Educational. I don’t torture myself to feel but I am aware of the bad. I’m aware of it without letting it impact my emotions.

I dress the way I’ve always wanted. My skin is beautifully clear and glowing.

I wanted something out of my brunswick sharehouse experience and I got it but in a way that wasn’t all bliss as it tends to be in daydreaming, it was mixed in with lessons. I cannot be wild if I am not my number one the entire time, if I haven’t taken care of myself along the way. Kept my room clean. Drank water and showered. Eaten something healthy and done my laundry and reflected. Prepared routinely not sporadically. Quality over quantity of people forever. You will feel alone in a room whether they are sick asf naarmcore xd or the kind of off ones. That shit doesn’t fucking matter. The right ones are the ones that come when you are on the path you want and that is that. You are not below anyone. You are open. You don’t need to naturally understand how to live with a stranger. All you can do is be kind and respectful and trust your gut. Trust your gut and it will trust you.

I am not afraid of my routine because I know I am not chained to it.

I know how to manage negative emotions and have broken cycles I thought were part of me (they weren’t)

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