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having-conniptions · 10 months

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I don't know who needs to read this but you have probably made such a big (positive) difference for someone just by being yourself, just by being kind or even just by being there.

Let me tell you a little story that I've been dying to share because it has impacted me so much.

Half a year ago, I changed workplaces as a trainee because the place that I worked at was slowly but surely eroding my self-confidence, my motivation to do the job I love and my will to keep going. There was one coworker in particular who must have felt threatened by me because I was "only" a trainee but she was "only" part-time help. And she had it out for me. She constantly criticized me, patronized me, berated me, scolded me for mistakes I didn't make and regularly raised her voice at me. The person who was in charge of my training didn't do anything about it and also didn't really know how to train me. Other workers jumped in to fill in those responsibilities but unfortunately those were the ones that were barely there due to health problems or part-time or because they just worked in a different part of the building most of the time.

I sat in my car during my lunch break and cried nearly every single day for weeks. I felt like I was just not good enough, like I could never get it right, like I would never learn what I needed to learn.

Now, I hear you asking, where is the feel-good story you promised?

Well, we had an intern. A 17-year old kid. He was suffering as well, probably as much as I was. He also usually didn't work close to me BUT sometimes we got assigned tasks together that we could do without everyone else looking over our shoulders the entire time. Those were the only times we didn't feel judged or scrutinized or looked down on. We took our sweet time completing those tasks, often goofing off until we thought people might suspect we weren't actually working.

One time, he found two huge bottles of bubble liquid (or whatever it's called) while we were working on something in the pretty isolated break room. He opened one and started blowing bubbles. After approximately 15 seconds of "that is definitely not allowed", I grabbed the other bottle and joined in on the fun. The childlike joy I felt in those five minutes that we spent just blowing and breaking bubbles felt like a freshwater spring in the middle of a desert. That kid really saved me a little bit with those bubbles.

Another time, we were supposed to carry old boxes filled with books and photo albums from one floor to another, and we just started looking through the photo albums and showing each other what we found. It was so mundane but wholesome and most of all it gave us a fucking break from everyone else.

Every time we crossed paths during our regular work we'd vent to each other if we had a couple of seconds alone. He noticed that that one coworker was targeting me specifically and I felt so validated. He told me he couldn't bear working there anymore and I let him know he was not alone.

I don't know if this kid (I'm still calling him a kid even though he should be 18 by now) knows how much he saved me just by being there and being a kid and reminding me that in my heart I was also still a kid. And I hope I managed to return the favor even just a little by being there and listening.

We never talked outside of work and I wouldn't say we were friends but we kept each other going. Saved a little bit of each other's sanity.

I got out of there six months ago and shortly after I left his internship ended. I hope he's okay wherever he is now.

You don't have to be a hero in order to save someone. Most of the time it's enough to be kind and to be yourself.

#that experience has changed me forever #just my faith in humanity being restored bit by bit #and let me just say #the kids are all right #even a partying teen living his best wild teenage life had more emotional intelligence than the boomers i worked with #wholesome #true stroy #workplace bullying #bullying cw

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rubberbandballqueen · 1 year

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yesterday at work, the kids had to like, make their own puzzles by drawing stuff on paper n then cutting them into pieces n stuff, n this one kid came up to me saying that the kid sitting next to him was saying mean things, n the second kid was like, "it wasn't me, it was him!" n pointed at the creature he'd drawn for his puzzle.

i didn't really know how to handle the situation (though thinking about it, i probably should have just said that just bc the creature was saying mean things abt his friend didn't mean he was in the right for passing on those thoughts), so i just told him i didn't want to solve his puzzle if the creature it featured was gong to be so mean to other people, and for some reason it worked??

i guess it's just easy to forget how deeply children care about what adults think bc of how we as adults have learned to not care so much abt what other people think and operate on the assumption that others don't automatically care abt our thoughts.

#the worm speaks #it felt difficult to handle in the moment bc i don't want to stifle children's compulsion to explore ideas n concepts through fiction #specifically bc fiction and fantasy are very harmless spaces; but obviously what was being made was being used as a vehicle to bully others #and that was absolutely in need of correcting #and i wasn't sure how to reprimand that w/o possibly teaching kids to conflate something bad happening in fantasy #with doing bad things to others in reality #anyway thinking abt it today when making this post helped me pinpoint how to handle it next time #i.e. that kids are agents in their own right and they have the choice to pass things on to others #whether that be something kind and true like compliments; or mean and vicious like bullying; or even literal germs and disease!!#anyway the second kid actually seemed really nice once i insisted that i didn't want to do his puzzle bc it featured something mean #n like obviously i didn't want to tell kids that the things they make up are automatically reflections of the kind of person THEY are #bc that's super not true!!! but i poked abt asking him a couple questions abt it n that's how he ended up telling me 'he told me to say it'#'he lives inside of my head' n i was like 'hmm.' bc he's pretty young... first grade i think? so maybe a reflection of meaner impulses #but i'm not him! i can't say that for certain! n i don't believe in making those kinds of assumptions about people #so i guess the way i handled it was basically saying i didn't want to interact w/people who are influenced by others to be mean #i guess i'm always expecting to be working w/teenagers who'd be like 'you don't get it! i'm gonna make my own choices!'#n i'd be like 'yep sure buddy i'm not gonna stop you! but i'm setting my boundaries right here'#i have a bit of beef with how some of my coworkers treat kids-- like none of them are outright cruel i think #but i don't think some of them are being genuinely responsible with how they interact. i think it's good that they all try to be nice #n some take that to mean 'treat them like your friends!' (proceeds to gaslight kids abt whether a certain snack was available)#(n when the kids called them out they were like 'we're teaching kids to think for themselves! n to be confident in their own experiences')#like. i don't think that picking out the snacks you like before feeding the kids is right. we are not kings; we are caretakers #n like i can see how that can be kind of a joke one might make in certain flavors of friend groups but like. certainly not to a child.#one plays obvious favorites; others place restrictions w/o explaining why they're there (bc they're obvious to adults)#n tbh i'm probably a headache myself bc i'm ~probably~ enabling kids in some way so i'm not gonna condemn the ones who #tell kids 'no you can't do that' w/o much explanation. n i think for the most part they're all trying #but i STILL disagree w/my now-gone supervisor who insisted that i treat kids the way i do 'bc it's in my nature/personality'#it most CERTAINLY is not!!!!! i was SUCH a hater of ANYONE younger than me for a LONG TIME growing up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i had to be TAUGHT these things. i had to LEARN to LISTEN to kids and take them seriously!!!!!!!!!#a kid on friday told me he had mixed feelings abt some of his older friends possibly becoming youth workers at the camp in the summer

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8unniediets · 1 year

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yes I have a restrictive ED yes I'm fat yes my girlfriend likes my tummy and yes she teases me for it in a nsfw context sometimes and no she doesn't know i do this to myself.

but anyway got called piggy and had to safeword, and like how do i explain. babe that's the word i trigger myself to st@ rve with. LMAO.

#i didn't explain i just said it was a word i used to get bullied with #which is ALSO true #it's interesting??? she went to pig before cow and says that cow felt like it would have been more mean between the two #and in my head. pig makes me feel infinitely worse about my body #and cow somehow makes my body image a little bit BETTER. maybe bc I'm a furry and adore chubby cow ladies lmao

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brainjuicey · 2 years

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somebody said we twist in our self made cages but that’s redundant, derivative and self-pitying. i disdain the idea of holding ourselves back. i was born here, in the dark and muck and i’ve held my arms to the sky until it rained blood down on us and washed clean. do you not feel the same way? i’m sorry for you because you want to feel sorry for yourself. what a miserable way to be, to think that existence is a prison created by your mind. your mind that is you. you are you and you choose to think that you’re choosing to cage yourself? what a freak.

#some sort of intellectualism.#passing judgement on pessismistic pigeonholing of the human existence #positive nihilism <3 #every new experience is only limited to how you choose to percieve it #feeling a bit trainspotting here guys the influential upbringing of being surrounded by hippies druggies and stoners is showing #trainspotting and fight club are so.... you know #fuck that guy fuck his stupid little fruity scarves as if he knows anything about life #rich people pussy footing difficult experiences to ENRICH their lives drives me insane. be a terrible human already like the rest of us #i vibe with slajov zizek honestly.#my dads roommate when he moved to ireland was a romanian man whose wife later moved here too and was in my mothers flamenco class #nd theyve been family to me all my life and that man is one of the most traditional borderline sexist Macho man ive ever met #he wears tassles and cuffs his short shirt sleeves and leaves it hanging half open with dangly necklaces and thinks. thats masculinity #its the white trash hippie kid raised by that man that makes me want to call ewan mcgregor a pussy #what a position of privelege he has! and is totally unaware of it. not even doing something bold or true. just #blandly echoeing a certain something of vulnerability and camp that like. straight ugly bitches like you have been doing for decades #i dont believe in violence but i think ewan mcgregor should be jumped by the scumbags in my neighbourhood #maybe that will give him a reality check #what a fucking tool #just blatantly bullying a senior citizen rich performer in my autism website tags again #not even the first time #and ill do it again!#oldfuck mcgee #nay said get him and i did

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cittythekitten · 1 year

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After escaping from Dust by entering the train, they both met with Mecha. Mecha knows about a hacker that’s using a drone to kill a child so he suspect the drone that’s accompany Abyss is the murderous drone. Mecha so far the only people that is not interested in killing a child. Unlike others monsters and robots, he does not need to consume people to live. He just need to drink oil. The other ‘Terminators’ need blood or magic to stay alive. Also what happens next is that Mecha runs away from Killer with Abyss. Child kidnapping is completely normal in this world. Killer found them back thanks to the tracker he put in Abyss’s back. Undertale by Toby Fox Killer by @rahafwabas / @rahofy-sketch Mecha by @wolf-wrathknight / @wolfwrathknight Abyss by @metakazkz Art by me

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astrxealis · 2 years

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sorry for rambling so much about milgram btw my thoughts are often a mess and i think too much about it but i am good now i think <3

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა milgram ໒꒱ *·˚#i finally properly get fuuta's character i think teehee. after a lot of thinking and thinking and thinking #it hurts my head a bit ngl (figuratively) bcs ejghbghjag i try to look at it at all sides and whoops i end up getting confused w #what is the truth and what are my actual beliefs/feelings/thoughts a bit! </3 but my head is clearer now (hooray!)#anyway yeah fuuta innocent. guilty -> innocent -> innocent imo!! can't say totally for sure tho w the 3rd but i think he shld be forgiven #i feel a bit ehgbah for my thoughts being so messy before (also scared someone will misunderstand me) but i think yeah i was looking #at it already in the 2nd trial perspective. how to explain. but yeah blah blah blah yeah!#i think he's a good guy at heart fr but he. yeah. and i think there's smth to do with the 'pressure' and all with that #he needs to hold himself accountable for his actions even if it may be true that yk. he isn't the only one and it's rather sad he's the #only one who got all the blame so i get why he's acting that way even though ofc it isn't okay in the end. dude needs to admit and all #and he's getting uhh better! i want to talk more oops but it's almost 2 pm holy shit. i'll probably put my coherent thoughts in my notes #instead. but yeah. tbh i'm not sure if i can really say he always felt somewhat guilty/regret ever since the start #bcs it's he may just first feared the consequences but then again he never expected it to escalate to death (tho even if the #outcome turned out to not be that bad. cyberbullying is never okay!!! bullying is never okay!!!!!) but he's the character #who puts up a front of sorts and as someone who often likes characters like that. it's possible i'm misinterpretating him but #personally that's how i see it ^___^ but dude yeah guilty first trial fr so he can be more yk to really loosen up and admit it n all #or at least. take a step closer to doing so. yeah!!! okay i think i've properly cleared my head now #i just hope no one like. misunderstands me from my many rambles WABHBJHBG #oh i actually really relate and understand fuuta actually. yeah. NOTHING AS BAD AS HIM i mean that genuinely but yeah #he's starting to accept that his actions bring heavy consequences and he's showing a lot of guilt and regret. still a tough front tho #aghhhh i really hope he gets voted innocent this time around for real. he's a good guy at heart and i do think he always knew #he was guilty. and etc etc etc i stop rambling now zzz love fuuta fr tho his character means a lot to me actually #actually idk there's still a lot to his character i feel. it's either from his perception still or yk. does he actually feel guilt?#but yeah imo he does. and i'd like to believe that too also bcs i get his character but i ofc can't still tell for sure!#blame shifting may still be a problem. he feels regretful for sure i believe but for what reason is a question still #tbh judging fuuta here is (for me) like judging me from a bit into the past so sorry if i'm really fired up about this.#i get he's just a fictional character but i really want to do this 'right' (but what is right tbh?)#in any case even with all the complications i think he's improving. sort of. and guilty is concerning for him if he YEAH. so innocent.#oops too much tags but i get it now <3 !! also btw i've never bullied/cyberbullied anyone just to be clear :] just to be clear

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killmebythebeach · 2 years

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Just finished tma. I have to go to fucking school tomorrow. How do I FUCKING BE A PERSON AFTER THAT?!?!

I'll probably reblog with more tags later (cuz 30 just isn't enough) but !!!

#you know the drill tma spoilers in the tags dont read tags unless youve watcged the whole series. statement begins #i never really cry over fiction and that held true but FUCK did i get close when jon said 'that ones for sasha'#ill get to the lamenting but let me talk about my fucking !!! first. helen my beloathed i was so fucking happy when you died #i enjoyed her character imensly but GOD was it satisfying to hear jon say 'helen... was that a lie?' and !!! shes a gaslight girlboss #hearing jude and notsasha get smited was also so good. hmmmm i love how slimy jude sounds and how corparate notsasha sounds too #love the moment when all the acatars jon kills realises theyve fucked up (careful who you bully in middleschool)#and daisy and basira :( never liked those two too much but it was still sad :( basira confuses me from a worldbuilding standpoint #i love it though. shes the only person in daisys domain and i think thats metal as fuck. but seeing trevor and breekon alone made me sad #and annabelle!!! stunning. love her. would die for her. shed let it happen.#that being said i want to punch her so fucking bad. shes the tape recorders?#i saw this post where it was like 'what kind of kid was jon that the web thought hed bring the apocolypse?' and i thought itwas exagerating #georgie and melanie! georgie was a favorite from s3 so im glad we get to see her a bit more! even if shes a... cult leader?#oh :( when jon leaves them to get martin from annabelle and when he comes back the other seven survivors are gone :(#i hate all the arguing though :( i have the nuance of an oreo so seeing my blorbos argue just makes me sad :(#anyway. night night my beloved. recollections my beloved. wonderland my beloved. checking out my beloved. gah!#and the rosie and elias statements!!! ive always wondered about rosie and now i wish i never found out!#and hearing jonah and jon work together on the elias statement sounded SO COOL!!!#with jonah being like the voices of all the people hes inhabited. and all the archivists wandering london like zombies!#i was sort of disapointed jonah wasnt like super hard to defeat but holy shiiiiiiiiiit #i. LOVE. the 200 statement. its like 10 minutes long but i just might have to make an animatic of it.#oh its so fucking cool. i always imagined the web and eye as the smart entity power duo but no.#the web was playing the eye like a cheap whistle the entire time. i guess the eye does need avatars to actually do much #like lonely your alone. end you die. desolation is your fault. spiral is all you. but eye needs people to do stuff with its information #martin and jon. Martin and Jon. MARTIN AND JON.#those fucking idiots. hearing martin enter the room and both him and the listeners realizing what happened felt like ORPHEUS turning around #dude. martin stabbing jon always gets joked about. i thought itd be a light hearted moment or some shit #and hearing the three girls at the end. basiras 'good luck'. gah. just hearing the birds chirping was enough #but i also get to know simon was probably mauled to death by a crowd wich i find hilarious.#jonahs 'good luck' as well. like sir. jonah fucking magnus does not have the right to choke me up.#the magnus archives

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fazcinatingblog · 7 months

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My boss is going to be so mad that I put both new guys on BGL when she only wanted one new guy to be on it (because technically he has experience with it) and not the other lol help

#it'll be fine #i mean I'll have to tell her #she'll find out when the new guy sends his timesheet #maybe I'll say he bullied me into it #it's true he's a bit of a bully #he was mean to me on his second day and he's gotten better/nicer since but like....#hmmm #anyway

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peppermint-toads · 18 days

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you know what would kill simon riley?

you and soap bullying him as he tries to ride his first cock.

“what? big strong military man can’t take a little dick?” how embarrassing.

johnny stands in front of the bed with his arms crossed, watching simon pathetically try to bounce up and down on the tip of the purple dildo without it slipping out. you’re sitting on the edge of the bed, antagonizing simon as much as you can before the moment ends.

“aye, bonnie. he can dish it, but he can’t take it. nothing new for him.”

simon grunts in frustration. “shut up. the both of you.”

you giggle, because he presently poses no threat to either of you, which is typically not the case.

“i remember when you took my ass virginity, simon. don’t you? told me to take it like a good girl. think you can take that fake dick like a good girl, huh?”

a strained moan tears from simon’s throat as the tip breaches his hole and he takes the first couple inches.

“fucking, jesus.” he’s panting and refusing to make eye contact with either of you.

“that one isn’t nearly as big as soap’s. how do you plan on taking his?”

“i can do it.” simon sinks halfway down the dildo.

that part is probably true, even if it hurts like a bitch and there are tears welling in his eyes, he’s a stubborn bastard.

it started with typical banter. simon and johnny having a bit of back and forth over dinner.

“you couldn’t even handle me, lt.”

there it was. you knew he shouldn’t have said that because it sounded like a challenge. and simon couldn’t turn it down. which led you here. with simon almost fully seated on your stupid dildo.

“hate to say it, but johnny’s right. he’d split you in half.”

simon groans, he’s been feeding off your degrading comments this entire time, and you weren’t about to stop.

“look at you, whining and crying on my dildo. couldn’t even have the decency to get your own? pathetic.”

simon’s ass hits the silicone balls and he keens. his dick twitches as he cums all over himself, untouched. he collapses onto his back, heaving.

you and johnny stare, open mouthed at him. you can’t help the laugh of disbelief that spills from your mouth. you immediately clamp your hand over your lips and look over at johnny. he’s just as bewildered.

#simon riley smut #simon riley x reader smut #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley smut #simon ghost riley x reader

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centrally-unplanned · 11 months

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We (somewhat rightly) mock the 2000's era fansub translation notes for their otaku fixations and privileging of trivia over the media, but they should be understood as serving their purpose for a bit of a different era in the anime fandom. Take this classic:

Like, its so obvious, right? Just say "pervert", you don't need the note! Which is true, for like a 'normie' audience member who just wants to watch A TV Show - but no one watching, uh *quick google* "Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne" in 1999 is that person. The audience is weebs, and for them the fact that show is Japanese is a huge selling point. They want it to feel as 'anime' as possible; and in the west language was one of the core signifiers of anime-ness. 2004 con-goers calling their friends "-kun" and throwing in "nani?" into conversations was the way this was done, and alongside that a lexicon of western anime fandom terminology was born. Seeing "ecchi" on the screen is, to this person, a better viewing experience - it enhances their connection to otaku identity the show is providing, and reinforces their shared cultural lexicon (Ecchi is now a term one 'expects' anime fans to know - a truth that translator notes like this simultaneously created and reflected).

But of course your audiences have different levels of otaku-dom, and so you can't just say 'ecchi' and call it a day - so for those who are only Level 2 on their anime journey, you give them a translation note. Most of the translation notes of the era are like this - terms the fansubber thought the audience might know well enough that they would understand it and want that pure Japanese cultural experience, but that not all of them would know, so you have to hedge. The Lucky Star one I posted is a great example of that:

Its Lucky Star, the otaku-crown of anime! You desperately want the core text to preserve as much anime vocab as possible, to give off that feeling, but you can't assume everyone knows what a GALGE is - doing both is the only way to solve that dilemma.

This is often a good guideline when looking at old memetically bad fansubs by the way:

This isn't real, no fansub had this - it was a meme that was posted on a wiki forum in 2007. Which makes sense, right? "Plan" isn't a Japanese cultural or otaku term, so there is no reason not to translate it, it doesn't deepen the ~otaku connection~.

Which, I know, I'm explaining the joke right now, but over time I think many have grown to believe that this (and others like it) is a real fansub, and that these sort of arbitrary untranslations just peppered fansub works of the time? It happened, sure, but they would be equally mocked back then as missteps - or were jokes themselves. Some groups even had a reputation for inserting jokes into their works, imo Commie Subs was most notable for this; part of the competitive & casual environment of the time. But they weren't serious, they are not examples of "bad fansubs" in the same way.

This all faded for a bunch of reasons - primarily that the market for anime expanded dramatically. First, that lead to professionally released translations by centralized agencies that had universal standards for their subs and accountability to the original creators of the show. Second, the far larger audience is far less invested in anime-as-identity; they like it, but its not special the way its special when you are a bullied internet recluse in 2004. They just want to watch the show, and would find "caring" about translation nuances to be cringe. And since these centralized agencies release their product infinitely faster and more accessibly than fansubs ever did, their copies now dominate the space (including being the versions ripped to all illegal streaming sites), so fansubs died.

Though not totally - a lot of those fansub groups are still around! Commie Subs is still kicking for example. They either do the weird nuance stuff, or fansub unreleased-in-the-west old or niche anime, or even have pivoted to non-anime Japanese content that never gets international release. But they used to be the taste-makers of the community; now they are the fringe devotees in a culture that has moved beyond them. So fansubs remain something of a joke of the 90's and 2000's in the eyes of the anime culture of today, in a way that maybe they don't deserve.

#may have said this before - it be that way sometimes #anime culture discourse

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saetoru · 8 months

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Do you think there could be a chance where reader and bully! gojo meet again years later and try again? Maybe 🥹

part one here — contents. fem! reader, exes to lovers, neighbors to lovers, slight nsfw so minors do not interact, slight angst but it’s a hopeful (pretty much happy) ending, idk what else lmk what i missed

imagine you guys are neighbors—you accidentally meet when you’re both walking up to your apartment doors one night after work. he pauses, and you can feel eyes staring into you from the side so you look over and yeah. wow. there’s your worst heartbreak of your youth standing right there in all his glory, staring at you like you’re a figment of his imagination come true. like he never expected to see you again (you suppose he probably didn’t).

“hey,” he says softly. satoru has never been one to greet someone first, never been the one to reach out and bridge the gap himself. he always waits to be approached. that much has surprisingly changed since the last time you saw him.

“oh…” you trail off, “hi. it’s you.”

you don’t seem half as happy to see him as he does you—but that much is to be expected, of course. satoru didn’t have the luxury of moving on, you can tell because you still can read him just as easy after all these years. like he hasn’t changed the small quirks about him, like he’s still tried desperately to hold onto his past because that’s where you were. he still looks desperately in love like the night you left him.

it’s pathetic, you wanna say. to still be in love for so long. when it’s so clearly over and there’s no coming back. a small part of you is filled with this sick, evil satisfaction that he’s still thinking about you when you don’t spare him a single thought.

but you suppose you’re not at over him as you thought when there’s this much excitement bubbling into you at his suffering. maybe, if you were actually completely over him, you’d be indifferent to him. you wouldn’t forget, but you’d forgive. you’d hope he learned his lesson and spared another innocent, poor girl from what you suffered for simply loving him. for simply wanting him to feel cherished and special and worth someone’s time.

you hope he’s better now—not for yourself, but for someone else. he doesn’t deserve a second of your time.

“you live here?” he asks, mildly shocked.

you’re almost offended. does he mean he thinks you can’t afford to live in the same apartment building as him? or is he just that shocked to see you? nothing about satoru seems genuine—you can’t help but assume the worst in him.

“yes,” you say curtly, “i moved here for work.” (why did you add that? why are you giving an opening to make conversation?)

“oh, really? me too,” he nods. (why is he making conversation? why couldn’t he have just ignored that opening and spared you the trouble?)

“oh,” is all you say. it’s silent for a bit, and then, “well, i better—”

almost like he knows what you’re about to say, he cuts you off with a quick, “i teach now.” you blink, staring at him in confusion. he rubs his neck as he adds, “i uh…i teach at that high school down the block. so uh…that’s why i moved here.”

“that’s…that’s nice,” you nod awkwardly. why is he telling you all this?

“yeah, my students are really cool,” he adds with a grin—it’s…a bit cute, actually. because he means it. his smile is too fond for it to not be true.

this isn’t the satoru you know—at least, not the one you think is the real satoru. you’re not so sure which side of him is actually him.

“i’m glad you enjoy what you do,” you offer. there’s not much else to say. “i’ll be heading in now.”

“right,” he coughs, “s-see you around.”

and then you really do see him around.

sometimes, it’s when you both leave in the mornings—he lets you enter the elevator first and presses the button for you when he gets in. he always lets you exit first too, like he cares to be chivalrous even if you’re not together anymore. sometimes it’s when you’re coming home—he’s holding a bag of take out as he walks up to his own door. you suppose he’s never been one to cook, and that probably hasn’t changed. sometimes, you’ll see him at the grocery store too—his cart is usually just filled with snacks and sweets. it’s not a very adult like shopping cart, so something’s evidently never change.

and every time he sees you, he always tries to strike up a conversation. no matter how short of a window your time is. even if it’s the forty five second elevator ride from floor one to floor three, he’s determined to say something.

today my students got me a gift—it’s a pair of sunglasses, because he still apparently loves those.

i got to take my students on a field trip today. i’ve been planning it for weeks—they have to write a paper on it, though. they’re not too happy about that even if they enjoyed themselves.

today was my student yuji’s birthday. i let the others out early to celebrate with him—they’re apparently all a good bunch of kids. friendly and tight knit in a way satoru’s never experienced. he thinks kids should hold onto that. good friends are hard to come by, after all.

and you’re always guarded. always so cautious and careful when you talk to him. sometimes you try to be polite, other times it’s abundantly apparent you don’t want to converse. he doesn’t pay it any mind, though. just rambles away and away and away and talks enough for the both of you because he’s just happy you’ll listen. even if begrudgingly.

and then one night, it happens—it’s late and you had to stay extra in the office. you’re grumpy and tired and the only good thing about this is that it’s late enough that you probably won’t run into satoru today.

except he’s waiting right there, head against your door as he fidgets with the door knob and grumbles incoherently under his breath.

“stupid damn door,” he slurs, “jus’ fuckin’ open.”

“ahem,” you clear your throat—he stiffens. “any particular reason you’re trying to break in?”

he turns to face you—stumbles a little as his glossed eyes look at you in confusion. he’s drunk—you can smell the liquor on him.

“whad’ya mean? ‘s my door,” he holds an arm out to gesture at your door.

“no,” you sigh, pointing to the door next to yours, “that one is.”

“oh!” he perks up, “‘s why it wasn’t working?”

“most likely,” you nod awkwardly, “that’s usually how that works.”

you watch as he unceremoniously stumbles over his steps to his door—how he tries but fails to get his keys through the key hole before you sigh and take pity on him. you don’t have it in you to leave a drunk person out in the cold, no matter how much (bad) history you might have.

“here,” you sigh, grabbing his keys from his hand and opening the door for him. you try to ignore that brief moment of warmth where your hands brushed against each other.

“do y’know what today is?” he mumbles, breath fanning over your shoulder as you open his door.

“i….tuesday?” you ask, in confusion. he looks crestfallen when you stare his face.

“oh, n-never—” he stumbles a bit. you catch him before you realize. “never mind.”

somehow, you barely manage to help him to his couch before he’s passing out, too drunk to really register anything else. satoru never drinks much—it was the funniest part about him. you used to tease him for it all the time, for being a frat boy who can hardly handle some alcohol.

i like being in control, he’d say petulantly, i don’t need to be drunk to have a good time. i am the good time.

you take a quick glance around his place before you can catch yourself. it’s not very different from your place—the living room is the same size and the structure is more or less the same. his tv is a bit more expensive, and his furniture is more simple. that’s about it.

you glance down at him one last time before walking out and shutting the door behind you. you hesitate for a moment before turning on the screen of your phone to check the date—it takes you a moment, but then it hits you.

it’s the day you broke up. all those years ago. it’s certainly been a good few—you almost forgot the date, but apparently satoru remembers. he remembers enough to go get shit-faced drunk as if the memory is too much to bear.

does he do this every year? drink away his sorrows every anniversary of the day you left him? does he really still care that much? why hasn’t he moved on?

and then you stop thinking about it. it’s not your problem.

but then you just…can’t help but be a bit more gentle around him. it happens without your control. maybe it’s muscle memory. maybe you’re finally letting your muscles relax and do that involuntary thing of their own that they do.

evidently that’s to be more soft with the boy who broke your heart. except he’s a man now, you suppose. he should’ve been a man when you dated him—but you’re glad he grew up eventually. even if you couldn’t be there with him for it.

but you’re a bit more friendly with him now—you suppose you can coexist with your talkative neighbor that also happens to be your awful ex boyfriend. you answer him a bit more when he talks to you, ask him about his students when he brings them up—he brightens so much when you do. it’s….painfully endearing.

yuji is sweet, a little too kind for his own good. nobara is a little tough to soften up, but once you do, she loves tenfold. megumi is a grump, but he’s a real softie. yuta is a bit socially awkward, but he’s got a good heart. maki is all business and very studious, but she’s a determined young girl. panda is not a panda—his name is odd but he’s funny. toge is quiet, but he looks out for people.

they’re good kids. he cares a great deal about them.

and then you start to tell him about your job. how your boss is another baldy that’s annoying—just like the professor you both shared. he chuckles at that. your coworkers are a good gossip, but you’d never go hang out with them outside of work. well, maybe except for one—utahime is a nice person, even if a bit of a priss sometimes.

it’s nice, talking to him. he’s funny, makes banter easily like it’s second nature. sometimes….sometimes it feels like old times. you’re not so sure how you feel about that, but you think it’s not bad. you can be grown ups, the two of you. you can be adults and ignore your immature past. the hurt is still there, but it’s manageable now. doesn’t linger and doesn’t weigh on you anymore.

sometimes satoru still stares at you in that way he did all those years ago, sometimes he still stutters over his words and loses his train of thought when he meets your eyes. he still loves you—you knew that from the start.

you stopped loving him a long time ago. that’s what you thought, anyway—but sometimes seeing satoru is….too familiar. it makes you feel things you thought you buried away for good. maybe it’s just deja vu, maybe it’s just the history speaking for itself.

or maybe…maybe you’re starting to tread a more dangerous path. the one that led you to your first, and worst heartbreak. you can’t step foot on that path again, no matter what.

that’s what you tell yourself, anyway—but satoru and you are talking one night. in front of your doors, like usual. you’re excited from a raise at work, and he’s excited because his students have done exceptionally on their final exams and you’re both celebratory in spirit enough that it turns into a cheery hug—and then…and then you’re kissing.

that wasn’t supposed to happen, but it does. you don’t know who kisses who, but you’re both wrapped up in each other and your lips are pressed against the others and oh, he feels so, so familiar.

like home. even if it’s not always safe to be there anymore, it’s still your home. you can’t let go of that nostalgia.

and then his hands cup your cheeks and your arms wrap around his neck and suddenly he’s in your bed—your door was already unlocked and the two of you somehow managed to stumble through the entire apartment until your back hits your mattress. your place is similar enough to his that he finds your room without any issues.

it was never supposed to happen—the shedding of clothes and the desperately needy kisses. the way you held his face and he held you. the way he trembled as he touched you, scared he’d mess it up again. the way you laced your fingers and kissed him between his brows like old times.

and then he fucks you like he means it. has his head in the crook of your neck and sniffles into your skin, rolls his hips and makes you mewl his name while he tells you every good thing about you.

you’re beautiful, the prettiest he’s ever seen. you’re so soft when you love, so delicate with the ones who hold your affection, it’s too much for anyone to deserve. you’re laugh is like music, a melody that’s impossible to grow tired of. but the most important part? you look at everyone like they’re worth something—just for existing, just for being there with you and crossing your path. worth your time, and energy, and compassion. they never have to work for it.

it’s rare, finding someone like that. it’s even more rare to get them to fall in love with you—satoru has never stopped regretting letting that go.

he whispers that all through breathy moans and the occasional cracked sob. whimpers when your fingers lock into his hair and pull the strands when his swollen tip kisses that spot he never forgot how to find. you cum first, falling apart with a gasp—and he cums right after, like feeling you is what it takes to make him come undone.

you still do that thing you did—rubbing his back as he spills into you, soothing him as he pants harshly into your skin. the only difference is that you don’t kiss his head sweetly and call him yours. god, he misses that so, so badly.

when his body slumps over yours, it’s when it hits you, what you just did.

“oh no,” you breathe, “oh god. we….we shouldn’t have done that, should we?” you ask tiredly.

satoru’s lip is trembling—he can’t bear to have you regret him. not again.

“i love you,” he says desperately, “i…i never stopped.”

“obviously you didn’t love me enough,” you mumble, not looking at him. it’s something you’ve realized—looking satoru in his eyes makes you weak.

you can’t have that.

“i’ll love you more than enough now,” he promises.

“what if i say i don’t love you anymore, satoru?” you challenge, “it’s been years. i didn’t wait around for you.”

his breath shakes at that. you think you got him there, but apparently he’s determined. it shocks you.

“then i’ll love enough for the both of us.”

for a moment, you can’t help but think if only everyone could see him now. years later. gojo satoru begging you to let him love you hard enough that you don’t have to. being okay with half of you because that’s better than none of you.

it’s almost comical. maybe a little sad. entirely avoidable if he’d just been brave from the start.

“that’s not fair to you,” you sigh, “you’re an asshole but…but you don’t deserve that. you deserve someone who can love you—”

“then i’ll show you,” he grabs your hand, pressing it to his face as he looks at you with enough hope that it’s almost too cruel to crush it. even for someone like him. “i’ll show you how to love me again. it’ll be easier this time. i promise.”

there’s a tear that slips down his cheek—and then another and another and another. and your thumb, just like muscle memory, swipes it away.

you want to tell him—it’s always been so, so easy to love satoru. easier than anything in the world. easier than loving yourself. it came like second nature, flowed through your blood stream and pumped through your heart. you loved him so easily.

you wish he’d loved himself a little bit easier back then. maybe he’d have realized who was worth keeping and who wasn’t. maybe he’d be happier now—a selfish part of you thinks you could’ve been happier that way too.

“satoru,” you sigh, “i have more self respect these days.”

“i know,” he nods, “i’ll be good—so good. i promise. i’ll wake you up with breakfast in bed and we can have three cats and i’ll pay for the vet visits. just like you always wanted.”

you can’t help but chuckle at that. he’s always known how to be charming at the right times.

“and what about the fancy window i always wanted?”

“i’ll get you one of those too,” he swears, “find us a nice place by the school and your job and we’ll be the best cat parents ever. and i’ll be good. so good.”

“i can’t do that all again,” you shake your head, “crying over someone like you is not worth it.”

“i won’t make you cry,” he insists.

something in you screams to believe him—that voice from your youth. that one that never quite stopped falling in love. that one that can’t ever really let him go.

“you don’t deserve me,” you mumble, pulling him close. he tucks his head into your neck, kisses your skin and breathes you in like he needs you to live.

maybe he does.

“i know,” he murmurs. “but i love you. i’ll make you love me again.”

“good luck,” you snort—your hand weaves into his hair, and your lips kiss his head.

well….maybe he’s already succeeded.

#i wasn’t gonna tag this buuuuuuuut….its kinda long so #i was like eh why not #but i’m not like tagging every tag just the main few #gojo x reader #gojo x you #jjk x reader #jjk x you #bully! gojo tag

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