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nico-idc · 3 years

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random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

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youtube

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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cyrotoons · 3 years

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a small update

hey i know its been a while, just wanted to update yall on the situation since i havent been active much

so long story short, this is a really important year for me at school, plus ill be moving schools next year,, plus i have summer school,,,,

ive kinda burnt myself out during winter break drawing (yea ik, my fault my fault, i just wanted to have drawings done in advance in prep for school) and kinda dont have much time left to make up for the sloppily done/incomplete work

ive been working thru my burnout (protip: DONT.) which only made it worse, plus i still have big projects to wrap up to get at least a decent grade

honestly a lot of pressure is on me, mainly cus

1) my teacher is strict

2) i have been known to be one of the kids that do well in school

3) my teacher has put even more pressure on me because this^^^

4) as said earlier, really important year in school for me and im moving schools next year

5) im asian, and those strict asian parent stereotypes are extremely true

6) yay projects, esPECIALLY GROUP PROJECTS THAT ARE DUE REALLY SOON AND WE'VE BARELY HAD TIME TO COORDINATE SHET

7) working on a big class thing, my teacher has put me in charge of something big and i couldnt exactly say no to it

i could go on but to save time typing ill leave it at that for now

school ends in june, though as said earlier i have summer school, which i can only assume takes up july,, and going to a new school, ill need maybe a week or 2 to get my shet together

which leaves about the first 2 weeks of august for myself

how fun, my birthday is near the end of the second week, ill probably be working on something

anyway, assuming i can get some drawings done within those 2 weeks ill probably just really inconsistent stuff

my style's changed quite a bit since ive kinda been suppressing my anime style and been forcing a more cartoony one, so now my style looks a lot more anime

ive also been trying to redesign my persona to make it look a bit more like me, and in the process trying to let my hand do its own thing instead of forcing it to stick to the cartoony style i wanted (when i come back you can probably expect a ref sheet of my new persona)

ive also kinda have this thing where i obsess over certain things for a while, so most often ill be making fanart for whatever id be obsessed with atm,, so if ur expecting more tf2 or portal or some shet theres no guarantee

plus ive been sucked into the genshin fandom,, (i also learned what kinning is and i kin xingqiu sm,, kaeya is also my absolute fav and my dps-)

oh oh also ive been working on this rpg thing for a year now, atm its called oculi dreams, im still in the concepts phase of it so dont expect too much in the near future as im the only one actively working on it

theres probably so much i need to say but honestly ive been crying abt so many things lately this text post would go on forever and just turn into a rant-

ANYWAY TLDR

schools been shet, im stressed, burnt out, a lot of pressure is on me, im behind on schoolwork and have a limited time to catch up before report cards, school ends in june but i have summer school in july, i attend a new school in sept, my art style has changed into the more anime style ive suppressed for a while, im working on this rpg on the side and still in concepts phase, dont expect consistency when im back cus honestly ill just draw fanart for random games im into, the earliest i predict ill be active again is the first 2 weeks of august then i have more stuff to attend to for a while, it is god knows when in the morning and i still have work to do so cya then-

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luckyfirerabbit · 4 years

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Jaune Doe: pt 7

(short and sweet, it’s how it came out)

It's been hills and valleys for him the last couple weeks. The nightmares come and go in waves, a few nights on, then off, then on again for a few more. His appetite is inconsistent but he doesn't appear to have an issue with it, though the staff is worried about his weight. But, on the positive side, they've got him off the IV completely and are managing his pain rather well with Ibuprofen. He's up and walking as expected. His concussion is healing as it should as well, but his memory is still spotty at best. Aside from his sleep disturbances his mood is stable, even pleasant, and he's able to tolerate what few visitors he receives with little issue.

Today, however, Jaune is noticeably concerned, lounging in his bed and staring at the ceiling with a sever knit to his brow. His transfer date is coming up and he doesn't know what to do. Pyrrha said she would figure it out, or at least help him do it, but she hasn't brought him anything yet, not even the copy of his file that she promised.

What's going to happen to him? Will they just toss him out? No, no...would they really?

"Knock, knock,"

Jaune blinks out of his troubled haze, reflexively smiling. "Hey, Pyrrha, I was just thinking about you."

"Oh yeah? Good things I hope." Oh my gods, why did I say that? She's starting to second guess herself already.

"You could say that." he lilts his head, noncommittal. "Everything okay? What's in the bag?"

"Well," she knows he's referring to the duffel bag she has in one hand. She approaches the bed and sets it down near the foot of it, asking for permission to sit on the edge before continuing. "I actually wanted to talk to you about your transfer."

"Oh, good. What did you find out?"

"I've got all the information on the hospital campuses available for you right here." she props her briefcase on her lap and opens it, passing him a folder that he had expected to be much thicker. "Most of them are nearby, and a few of them have single occupancy units so you could have some privacy if you wanted."

"That's great, thank you." he takes the papers, seemingly genuinely relieved. "And what about the copy of my file?"

"That's here too." she's still sifting through everything she keeps in the case, producing another pale colored file.

He shows his gratitude through a short lived but heartfelt smile, though the expression kinks with curiosity. "And the bag?"

Pyrrha snaps her case closed and takes a sharp, stabilizing breath at the same time. "I...bought you some clothes. I had to guess your size for the most part, but...yeah. There's some hard-soled slippers in there that should fit you, too, at least until you can tell me your shoe size."

"Pyrrha," he's stunned, "y-you didn't have to do that."

"I know, I wanted to." she can't look at him, focusing on her hands and the way her fingers drum at the edges of her briefcase. "I also wanted to ask you something."

"Besides my shoe size?" the little chuckle at the end sounds nervous.

"Yes," she laughs in turn. "I was wondering...I applied to be your sponsor. If you want...you can come and stay with me."

His brow creases, a mixture of concern and uncertainty flickering in his eyes. His hands fumble with the papers he's holding, eventually settling to let them sit atop his thighs when he draws his legs up. "I...you didn't...why would you do that?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," his hand reaches back and cups his neck, rubbing out the anxiety he feels mounting in his chest. He lifts his eyes and meets her gaze briefly. "It's...shit," he pushes his hand through his hair, fingernails in his scalp and catching on a cut he forgot about. "I don't know how to say it without sounding like an asshole."

"Then just say it, it's okay." she assures him.

"What's your angle?" he blurts out, feeling the shame of the hidden accusation immediately.

Part of her thinks she gets it, it's the same part that pushes down the little hurt brought on by his suspicion. After everything he's been through -just the stuff she knows about- how was he supposed to trust her like that? It's a wonder he has any trust for her at all.

Eventually Pyrrha just smiles and waits until he looks at her again. "Like I said before, I just want to help."

He still holds a certain uneasy wariness in his face. "And if I say no?"

"Then that's your choice." she nods once. "I'd hope you'd accept the clothes, though, considering you don't really have anything," she laughs, an attempt to break the tension that she's certain fails, "but you're welcome to say no. I'll still be your advocate, I'll still work on your case and make sure you're taken care of. Nothing changes."

Jaune hears sirens in his head, warnings, some vicious and desperate thing screaming for him to retreat. It's a trap is all he can think, in spite of everything he's seen -he knows- to the contrary.

For a moment the two just look at each other, and Pyrrha eventually takes that as a sign. She eases to her feet, her brief case tucked under her arm.

"Take some time to think it over, and just let me know when you've made a decision, okay? Until then, if you need me, just have someone page me."

He nods. "...Thanks." he offers timidly.

"Of course."

---

Every so often Pyrrha will skip her evening trip to the gym in favor of dinner out with her coworkers, which usually consists of Blake or Billy or Sahv, or some combination of the three. Tonight it's Blake and Yang joining her at Magic Wok. The three of them manage to get a booth tucked away in a relatively quiet corner, the perfect spot to sit and talk without disturbing or being disturbed by others.

"Am I an asshole?"

Blake coughs as her food goes down the wrong pipe, causing Yang to reach across to pat her lover on the back as she gapes at Pyrrha from across the table.

"What on earth makes you say that?" Blake sputters once she's able.

Pyrrha shifts in her seat, uncomfortable under their joint scrutiny. "I mean...maybe asshole isn't the right word,"

"Damn straight it isn't." Yang insists. "That's the last word I'd ever use in regards to you." she looks to Blake. "You okay now, baby?"

"I'm fine." one last cough. "But seriously, why would you think that?"

"Well, like we talked about, I told Jaune I was willing to sponsor him." she prods the tangle of noodles on her plate with her chopsticks. "And...just like you said he might, he got defensive and kind of...shut down."

"So why would you think you're an asshole?"

"Because," Pyrrha slouches, putting her hands in her lap as if she can hide her discomfort. "I just...I hate when I upset people. Especially when I just want to do the right thing."

"I'm not saying you shouldn't take it personally, because you're doing that anyway -that's right, I've got your number, superhero," Blake's felid ears match the asymmetry of her eyebrows, "but I don't believe he got defensive simply because it's you. It's because things are changing for him again, what little stability he has is about to shift and he doesn't know what to do, if there's anything he can do. And that's probably coming from a long time of having no control over his own fate or well being. Then, of course, there's the more than likely possibility of general trust issues."

Yang takes a long draw from the straw in her drink, her brow furrowing as she swallows. "He's probably convinced this is just some elaborate scam, and the minute he agrees to go home with you, all hell's going to break loose."

And part of Pyrrha knows there's not much she can do to change that for him. Jaune would have to discover for himself if she was trustworthy, if what she was offering him was real or some cruel joke at his expense. She shudders at the idea of just how bad he might think things could be, a man who -while drugged out of his mind and mad with pain- still had the wherewithal to be terrified and fight back against those that were trying to save his life.

"If what he went through was anything like," Yang continues, pausing to put a crispy rangoon in her mouth and tuck it in her cheek. She'll gesture with her hand, knowing they both know what she means. "Gods only know the kind of head games he's had to navigate until now. But I agree with Blake, I don't think it's because of you."

"I know, I agree with you too, just,"

"Just you're a micro-manager and this is something you can't change." Blake explains knowingly. "But you've got a good enough head on your shoulders to let it run it's course."

"I certainly hope so." Pyrrha sips her drink. "And I don't want to influence his decision so I'm keeping our visits to a need-only basis."

One golden brow rises. "Want me to influence him for you?"

"Yang," Blake warns gently, half-heartedly.

"No, I'm serious. Listen," Yang shoves down another rangoon and swallows, leaning towards Pyrrha on one elbow. "He doesn't understand the kind of person you are, he probably thinks you're like some fucking unicorn -all mythological and sparkly and too good to be true. Let me talk to him, I mean, you've been meaning for me to anyway, right?"

"True." Blake nods.

"But he should make this choice on his own." Pyrrha reaffirms. "He deserves that."

"He also deserves the best chance at recovery and getting his life back together." Yang counters.

"Also true." Blake chimes, seeming more focused on her food than the conversation.

"And I think you can give him that chance, Pyrrha. Hell," she laughs, easing away, back into her own space in the booth. "If it weren't for you, I might not have met Blake, so you basically saved my life."

Pyrrha blushes and tries to hide her face, failing miserably. "I just got you the referral."

"Semantics." Yang waves her hand in dismissal. "So let me go to bat for you, just this once, and I promise I won't use my impeccable charm for evil ever again."

Blake laughs, almost choking on her food again. Once she's able to she quickly swallows.

"Come on; I kind of feel like you owe me after not letting me curb-stomp your ex."

"Yang," Pyrrha exhales hard, appalled more so at herself for the effort it takes not to laugh than at Yang for the comment. "He wasn't that bad,"

"Bullshit." Yang points a finger at her, sharp, decisive.

Blake clears her throat, takes a quick drink. "Being in denial doesn't change the truth of the matter, Pyrrha, it would be better if you just accept it."

"I've gotten better at it." she admits meekly. "Just...I don't think anyone deserves to be curb-stomped. Believe it or not, I'm not a huge fan of violence."

"Well I am," Yang's finger has changed to her thumb and points back at her, "and as far as I'm concerned, a man who hits his wife deserves a helluva lot worse."

Pyrrha sighs and smiles. "And while I appreciate how fiercely protective you both are of me, it isn't necessary."

"You heard her, down girl." Blake nudges Yang with an elbow.

Yang tucks close to Blake, diving face first into the crook of her neck. "Woof,"

"Oh my god," Pyrrha groans, "check please,"

#Jaune Doe #jaune arc #pyrrha nikos #bumbleby #blake x yang #blake belladonna #yang xiao long

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pettishrew · 4 years

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MIND MY WICKED WORDS AND TIPSY TOPSY SLURS; I CAN’T TAKE THIS PLACE, NO, I CAN’T TAKE THIS PLACE.

𝖖 𝖚 𝖔 𝖙 𝖊 𝖘

i don’t feel very human anymore. —7:59 pm 4/28/15; l.m.

Where did you get those big eyes? My mother. And where did you get those lips? My mother. And the loneliness? My mother. And that broken heart? My mother. And the absence, where did you get that? My father. —Inheritance, Warsan Shire

“And I’m a master of speaking silently—all my life I’ve spoken silently and I’ve lived through entire tragedies in silence.”— The Meek One, Fyodor Dostoevsky

How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back. —J.R.R. Tolkien

“There are no permanent friends, only permanent interests”

UNTIL LIONS HAVE THEIR OWN HISTORIANS, THE STORY OF THE HUNT WILL ALWAYS GLORIFY THE HUNTER.— Chinua Achebe

“Self-hatred is only ever a seed planted from outside in. But when you do that to a child, it becomes a weed so thick, and it grows so fast, the child doesn’t know any different. It becomes as natural as gravity.”— Hannah Gadsby, Nanette

You got to take a deep breath and give up. The system is rigged against you. Bo Burnham

𝖇 𝖆 𝖘 𝖎 𝖈

NAME: Peter Thomas Pettigrew NICKNAMES: Pete, Wormtail, or Wormy AGE: Twenty BIRTHDAY: August 22nd GENDER: Male PRONOUNS: He / Him

𝖋 𝖆 𝖒 𝖎 𝖑 𝖞

MOTHER: Enid Pettigrew. 47. Alive. FATHER: Sean Morivan. 52. Status Unknown. SIBLINGS: None

𝖕 𝖍 𝖞 𝖘 𝖎 𝖈 𝖆 𝖑 𝖆𝖙𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖇𝖚𝖙𝖊𝖘

FACE CLAIM: Alex Wolff BUILD: Moderately Overweight HAIR: In need of a haircut. Curly and unkempt. HAIR COLOR: Brunette. In the summertime, it gets a golden, almost colorless hue. EYE COLOR: Brown SKIN COLOR: Light with olive undertones DOMINANT HAND: Right ANOMALIES: He has a birthmark on his left shoulder. His skin freckles in the summer. He also has faint scars on the inside of both of his forearms. He also has a small tattoo on the outside of his right thigh. Peter got it on a dare and it looks like ( x ) SCENT: He often smells like chocolate or peppermint. Mostly because those are the last things they would have eaten. ACCENT: British. More of the cockney nature than anything else. ALLERGIES: He is moderately allergic to dairy. Not enough to stop him of course, but enough to make him uncomfortable if he eats too much of it. DISORDERS: N / A FASHION: Peter wears whatever is comfortable and fits for the most part. He does tend to stick to neutral colors, like black, grey, and beige. He doesn’t like to draw attention to himself. NERVOUS TICS: He stutters when he’s nervous. He also rubs the back of his neck when he’s uncomfortable. QUIRKS: His quirks are identical to his nervous tics. One doesn’t often happen without the other.

𝖑 𝖎 𝖋 𝖊 𝖘 𝖙 𝖞 𝖑 𝖊

RESIDES: Plainview Point Apartments BORN: St. Mungo’s RAISED: A little outside of London PETS: A Tawny Owl named Eros

CAREER: Obliviator EXPERIENCE: 2+ years in the position EMPLOYER: The Ministry of Magic

POLITICAL AFFILIATION: The Order BELIEFS: Peter doesn’t believe strictly in anything. MISDEMEANORS: None FELONIES: None DRUGS: None SMOKES: Tobacco, and occasionally Marijuana ALCOHOL: Infrequently DIET: Poor

LANGUAGES: English, Welsh, and some Italian

PHOBIAS: Death or Serious Injury. HOBBIES: Reading and Baking. TRAITS: { + }: forgiving, analytical, easy-going, optimistic { - }: fearful, cunning, indecisive, meek

𝖋 𝖆 𝖛 𝖔 𝖗 𝖎 𝖙 𝖊 𝖘

LOCATION: Anywhere that is small, where Peter feels like no one can get to him. SPORTS TEAM: Ireland GAME: Wizard’s Chess. MUSIC: He doesn’t care much for music. If he does listen to it it’s softer sounding music, that’s almost wistful. MOVIES: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope 1980. Alien is a close second. FOOD: Anything sweet. Peter’s sweet tooth is insatiable. BEVERAGE: Pumpkin Juice or soda. COLOR: Pale Yellow

𝖒 𝖆 𝖌 𝖎 𝖈

ALUMNI HOUSE: Gryffindor WAND: UNICORN: Unicorn hair generally produces the most consistent magic, and is least subject to fluctuations and blockages. Wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. They are the most faithful of all wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner, irrespective of whether he or she was an accomplished witch or wizard. Minor disadvantages of unicorn hair are that they do not make the most powerful wands (although the wand wood may compensate) and that they are prone to melancholy if seriously mishandled, meaning that the hair may ‘die’ and need replacing. FIR: My august grandfather, Gerbold Octavius Ollivander, always called wands of this wood ‘the survivor’s wand,’ because he had sold it to three wizards who subsequently passed through mortal peril unscathed. There is no doubt that this wood, coming as it does from the most resilient of trees, produces wands that demand staying power and strength of purpose in their true owners, and that they are poor tools in the hands of the changeable and indecisive. Fir wands are particularly suited to Transfiguration, and favor owners of focused, strong-minded and, occasionally, intimidating demeanor. 9 1/2 Inches and unyielding. AMORTENTIA: Chocolate, Peppermint, Garlic, and Old Books. PATRONUS: He cannot produce one. BOGGART: Prior to the war it had been his mother dying. He truly doesn’t know what he would do without her. However, since the war has begun his Boggart is Lord Voldemort.

𝖈 𝖍 𝖆 𝖗 𝖆 𝖈 𝖙 𝖊 𝖗

MORAL ALIGNMENT: True Neutral MBTI: INTP

INTPs are often thoroughly engaged in their own thoughts, and usually, appear to others to be offbeat and unconventional. The INTP’s mind is the most active place, and their inward orientation can mean that they neglect superficial things like home décor or appropriate clothing. They don’t tend to bother with small talk but can become downright passionate when talking about science, mathematics, computers, or the larger theoretical problems of the universe. Reality is often of only passing interest to the Architect, as they are more interested in the theory behind it all.INTPs are typically precise in their speech and communicate complex ideas with carefully chosen words. They insist on intellectual rigor in even the most casual of conversations, and will readily point out inconsistencies of thought or reasoning. Social niceties may fall by the wayside for an INTP who is more interested in analyzing logic, and they may offend others by smallmitting their dearly held values and beliefs to logical scrutiny. Trivia: - more likely than other types to study a foreign language - most frequent type among college students committing alcohol and drug policy violations - have the lowest level of coping resources of all the types - one of the types least likely to believe in a spiritual power - highest of all types in career dissatisfaction in school have lower grades than would be -- predicted by aptitude scores - more likely than average to complete engineering programs - personal values include autonomy, freedom, and independence - Overrepresented among working MBA students - Commonly found in science and technical occupations - famous intps: albert einstein, abraham lincoln, marie curie, and charles darwin

MBTI ROLE: The Architect or the Logician ENNEAGRAM: Type Five ENNEAGRAM ROLE:

The Observer: Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

TEMPERAMENT:

Melancholic. The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and thoughtful. Melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate, getting rather worried when they could not be on time for events. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. Often they are perfectionists. They are self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others.

WESTERN ZODIAC:

Leo With the Sun approaching the end of Leo, August 22nd has its peak in creativity and our childish need to present our inner being and express ourselves. This is an emotional date when passions need to be calmed in order for us to swim out of them with a clear mind and a plan we can hold on to, so our dreams can be reached. Those born at this time are connected to others on a different level than the rest of Leo representatives and feel a constant need to set free from ego battles and follow their hearts.

CHINESE ZODIAC:

Year of the Rat The Metal Rat are honest, frank, and optimistic, and will not get depressed no matter how terrible the situation is. They have a quick respond and strong environmental adaptability. They treat people kindly. But most of the people born in 1960 year of the Rat are self-centered. They always think of themselves first. They are impatient, suspicious and kind of vain.

PRIMAL SIGN:

Otter: Social, funny, and outgoing, those born under the sign of the Otter use their warmth and charm as their primary tool in navigating life. Like their animal namesake, members of this sign are clever, feisty, and gregarious. They usually spend a lot of time grooming themselves for their looks are of great importance to them. They are not terribly territorial either, preferring to sleep where their adventure takes them for the night. A nice home will eventually be required, but a young Otter can travel the world for years without getting too homesick. Otters like to be in charge. This way they can not only get what they want, but receive attention and respect while doing so. They can occasionally behave somewhat self-centered and egotistical, but are usually smart enough not to push their self-proclaimed authority too far. Otters want to be the best, and they understand that being the best takes work. As long as they get to do thing their own way, there is little they won’t undertake.Members of this sign have a sense of pride that only a few other signs can top. They absolutely hate looking unintentionally foolish (though they will act the part of the fool if it gets them a good laugh) and have little tolerance for those who don’t respect this important (if unspoken) rule. They like to be seen as evolved, wise, and powerful, which they often are, but this can sometimes cause them to hesitate trying new things. Above all things, Otters don’t like to live by other people’s rules. As long as they keep life in perspective this shouldn’t be a big problem, but out of perspective Otters risk becoming greedy and narrow-minded and there is always a chance that they will take what they want if nobody is willing to offer it up to them. Members of this sign can also be a bit judgmental of others, particularly those who are less successful than they are at that point in their lives. As they mature they tend to realize that everyone operates differently, and will slowly come to accept this, especially if they have a hard road to reaching their goals.

TAROT CARD:

The Fool: The Fool, at its core, represents the unfettered soul. Free of experience and prejudice, they are also free of fear, and therefore come into new events without the trepidation often experienced by those that know what they might expect. This is both a benefit and a detriment to the Fool, their eyes are on the path ahead, or on the sky, but not at what is right in front of them. This can make the Fool easy to trick, to persuade, or to side-line. But they also do not know what others believe is ‘NOT’ possible, and this makes them capable of greatness, new ideas, and innovation. They do not know a thing cannot be done, so they merrily set about to do it anyway. Sometimes they succeed.

TV TROPES:

All the Other Reindeer, The Chessmaster, Cornered Rattlesnake, Dirty Coward, Fair Weather Friend, and Opportunistic Bastard

SONGS:

- Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons - If It Kills Me by Jason Mraz - Sinner Man by Idris Elba - Creep by Radiohead - The Devil You Know by X Ambassadors

IDEOLOGIES:

- Beer is the scum of all the alcoholic beverages. He think it tastes akin to piss and doesn’t understand why anyone would opt to drink it willingly. - Peter has never had a pet aside from the owl. And doesn’t understand the want to keep things in captivity for your own benefit. This principle extends to muggle zoos as well. - Chocolate frogs are the best candy that Honeydukes sells, this is not a matter of discussion that he is willing to hear. - Peter believes that if something is easier done through violence than diplomacy that in those instances the people should be empowered to pursue violence without diplomacy first. - Wool is a terrible fabric and he won’t wear it. It’s itchy.

#dulcetask #TASK: 001 #▲ ĸιlled мy old ѕelғ вυт тнe new мe ιѕn'т мυcн вeттer ( peter hc )#tw eye gore #// kind of #// it's a black eye

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metalgearkong · 4 years

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Jedi: Fallen Order - Review (PS4)

11/24/19

Developed by Respawn Entertainment

Up until now, Electronic Arts has taken the wrong direction with their exclusive Star Wars license. So far they created not one, but two awful Star Wars: Battlefront games, both overstuffed with microtransactions and unethical loot boxes. Sure the graphics, sights, and sounds of Star Wars were present, but when the entry fee was $60 and the base game had so little to it, I wasn’t a fan. Jedi: Fallen Order is an answer to all the rightful criticism EA has taken, and they have finally funded developer Respawn Entertainment to make a dedicated single-player, offline, action/adventure game that Star Wars fans have wanted for years. Jedi: Fallen Order is an enormous step in the right direction with the Star Wars license, and shows the potential on what a lot of money and talented people can create when backed by passion.

This is yet another game taking place place between episodes III and IV, a few years after Order 66 and the fall of the Jedi Order. I don’t know if the Force Unleashed games are still considered canon, but I certainly hope not. We play as Cal Kestis, a young Jedi Padawan who survived the purge, and has been hiding out for years as a scrapper taking apart old ships from the war. The Empire has established itself firmly as the dominant superpower of the galaxy, equipped with all the classic Star Wars stuff I love, such as AT-ATs, AT-STs, Stormtroopers, and TIE fighters. A few additions include the Inquisitors, apparently Dark Jedi not following the "rule of two,” who seek out and kill the remaining Jedi in hiding. I guess they come from a TV show or something, but I’ve never watched any of those. Accompanying them are Purge Troopers, who use electro-magnetic melee weapons and can be a struggle to take down. I think the Purge Troopers should have just taken the role of the Inquisitors because I think it would be way cooler to know that the only experienced Force-users left alive now are Obi-Wan, Yoda, the Emperor, and Vader.

The gameplay could be described as a combination of Uncharted exploring, and Dark Souls combat (although it more so reminds me of 2018′s God of War, also inspired by Dark Souls). I didn’t give this game enough credit in the beginning. I decided to play the game on the hard difficulty option, but a few a few hours, I bumped it back down to normal mode. I underestimated the combat and how tough even simple enemies could be. Encounters involve locking on to one enemy at a time, and timing attacks, parries, and dodges. Even low level bad guys can take down your health, especially because they usually appear in small groups. I quite enjoyed fighting members of the Empire, especially basic Stormtroopers, but fighting creatures was much more annoying. Space bugs, space rats, and space crabs feel like a chore to kill as they leap backwards and avoid your lightsaber strikes, and its often harder to read their telegraphs.

Coming across a squad of Stormtroopers is always where I had the most devilish fun. I appreciate how the game gave the troops a lot of personality. You can hear them chatting to each other before a fight, and they make sarcastic comments as you slowly dwindle their numbers. Laser bolts can be reflected back at the shooter, making ranged combat pretty easy. It’s when the game mixes melee enemies and ranged enemies where it gets a little more tricky and engaging. Every melee trooper is a Scout Trooper and I found that a little hilarious and inconsistent compared to a Scout’s role and ability levels from the films. I didn’t realize they can stand toe-to-toe with a Jedi using their electric sticks and block plenty of lightsaber strikes before being killed. I also liked the detail that when an AT-ST is defeated, you then get to brutally execute the pilot as he scrambles out and fires his pistol as a last ditch effort before his merciless death.

Bosses range from the aforementioned AT-STs, as well as large indigenous creatures found on different planets. Each world, from what I could tell, also has an optional, semi-hidden boss. These didn’t draw my attention much because they’re basically clones of other tougher creatures, only with a greater damage output, higher speed, and more health. You do get experience points for defeating enemies, but I lived happily without taking down these frustrating side-bosses. The most blatant rip-off of the Souls-like formula is the fact that when you rest at meditation spots (save points), it resets all the enemies in the level. This makes more sense in a game with tighter gameplay, such as Hollow Knight or Dark Souls, but there’s not as much of a need for experience points, and the gameplay isn’t reliable enough to warrant farming XP from regular enemies over and over again. I nearly gagged when the game warned me that meditating resets the enemies around you. I’m sick of seeing this mechanic, especially if it isn’t necessary.

I wish the gameplay was a little tighter and snappier. Enemies telegraphy their attacks well enough most of the time, but if an enemy is about to do an unblockable attack, the game doesn’t let you react quick enough to go from blocking to dodging. Many times I’d be blocking or trying to parry, and when an unblockable attack was coming, I couldn’t quick-step to the side fast enough. This means your reflexes not only have to be good enough, but you have to give the game a head start because it takes some time to go from one thing to another. This would happen often enough to get me frustrated. Another annoyance was Cal falling to the ground when the block meter isn’t depleted, and getting hit repeatedly as he’s trying to get up. I get that you can’t block forever, but you shouldn’t be “stunned” when the block meter isn’t empty yet. I don’t know if some of the clumsiness was intentional, but I would get pissed off during tougher fights because I felt like I was fighting an enemy as well as the mechanics.

This all has to do with combat, but I found the traversing to be more reliable. Respawn Entertainment definitely borrows heavily from the Uncharted and rebooted Tomb Raider series. Cal can’t do a lot at first, but as he remembers powers over time, you unlock more abilities such as Force push, Force pull, wall running, double jumping, and more. Sliding down icy or muddy slopes is always fun, especially when combined with other traversal obstacles such as gaps and the need to wall run at the beginning or end. If you die in combat, your brought back to a meditation point, but if you die while adventuring, the game resets you quickly and with a small loss of health. The animations were great as well. I really did feel like a character in the Star Wars universe climbing rocky terrain, jumping over ledges, climbing, and all sorts of stuff like that. It gave the game a cinematic feel even during gameplay. Same goes for combat which can be a little imprecise, but at least looks great. It’s funny, however, that a lot of what prevents Cal from going to new places is the game, is him simply not “remembering” how to do something, especially when he will recall one of his skills out of the blue.

One of the greatest strengths of the game is also it’s greatest weakness: the level design. Each planet you visit has its own interconnecting environments, of which short cuts can be unlocked so you can loop back around easier in the future. The map is also extremely helpful as it gives you a 3D view of the environments, shows where you haven’t explored, shows where places are locked, and shows things like meditation spots. But there isn’t one bit of fast-travel in the game, so when you find yourself deep in a tomb or canyon, you have to hike your way all the way back to your ship. Granted, the developers have tried their best to make the way back interesting with new enemies or new ways to get back to the start, but when some of the environments are as large and twisting as they are, it can be a grind to get from A to B sometimes. Regardless, I’m impressed with how big and detailed each location is (my favorite being the lush jungles of Kashyyyk). It also gives you reminders of places you can re-explore once new abilities are unlocked.

The story itself is one of the worst aspects of the game. While the settings and storytelling itself can be quite good on regular occasions, the overall plot is extremely basic. When Cal is forced to use his powers to save his friend during an industrial accident, he draws the attention of the Empire and the Inquisitors. The game becomes a race between you and the Empire to find a hidden list of Force-sensitive children left in the galaxy. This list (Holocron) has been hidden by a former Jedi who simply has put it in a difficult place to get to simply as a test, so that anyone who finds it would be “worthy” or something. We don’t necessarily see the Empire taking steps to find this list, but they pop in and our during cinematics when it’s convenient for the game. It’s basically an excuse to hop between a handful of planets and get slightly further and further as we unlock new abilities (a la Metroidvania). We spend a vast amount of time in deep tombs, putting Lara’s recent adventures to shame. It got old after a bit, even if the graphics and designs were gorgeous. I also think the game had one or two many giant ball puzzles.

The acting can be hit or miss as well. The most annoying character was Cere (Debra Wilson), one of the members of your small crew, who is a former Jedi Master, but has cut herself off from the Force. I think on a technical level, Wilson plays this character like a seasoned actor, but I found Cere’s character to be like one of those teachers or supervisors who is more dramatic than she needs to be. Cere comes off as condescending and a bit self-important, making excuses for herself while holding Cal to a very noble and high standard. She just comes off as endlessly melodramatic, and I don’t see a lot of need for her to have been a former Jedi, especially because she’s nothing but a co-pilot, quest-giver, and expositioner.. Cal Kestis (Cameron Monaghan) is a very vanilla hero who isn’t too bright, but is very altruistic. He has to have everything explained to him, even though I think he could have easily been telling other characters information, rather than being so clueless as a Jedi Padawan. Monaghan does a pretty good job playing him, I just thought the character itself was a little bland and typical.

Instead of the main Inquisitor chasing you around (called the “Second Sister”) I think being pursued by Darth Vader would have been way more fun. How much cooler would it have been to be hunted by THE Darth Vader, him doing exactly what his job was during this time period? Another inconsistency that irked me was that Cal is a Padawan, yet he’s proficient in single blade, staff, and double lightsaber combat. I know this makes the game more “fun” but it doesn’t make sense to me that a teenage Padawan is an expert in three forms of lightsaber combat, each of them needing nearly a lifetime to master. I was annoyed I could switch to a lightsaber staff at any time with no background or explanation for it. I would have liked it much more if the story and game stuck to single blade combat, and not felt like it would have been too basic or boring for most players. But I think the larger thing to blame is the Star Wars canon and Force-using, lightsaber-using people don’t get much of a technical explanation on how much the Force aids you or how much training you need to do on your own.

It may not seem like it, but overall I am actually pretty happy with Jedi: Fallen Order. Not only does it eschew the practices EA has become notorious for, but it’s a game in a genre I really enjoy. Aside from some combat imperfections, flat story, and average characters, I had a lot of fun exploring this game at every turn. Finding chests with cosmetic collectibles and playing with the Force powers kept me going from one corner to the next. I also enjoyed the music which was done by composers Stephen Barton and Gordy Haab, instead of relying too much on the famous John William tracks (although they are heard far and few between). They evoked a Star Warsy tone and atmosphere without outright copying existing works. I loved moments like my first AT-ST fight, or climbing and piloting an AT-AT. Most of the set-piece moments were exciting and unique for a Star Wars video game. It certainly has its blemishes, but definitely not things that couldn’t be ironed out in a future sequel. I really hope Respawn Entertainment and EA continue on this path of coming up with semi-original stories with their Star Wars license and make single player driven experiences.

7.5/10

#jedi fallen order #star wars #lucasarts #respawn entertainment #cal kestis #debra wilso #inquisitors #darth vader #stormtroopers #star wars game #review #ps4

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tumblunni · 5 years

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Why is gyan amakano so cute. It should be illegal. I hate how he has such a huggable design and then his character is totally wasted on being half super evil jerkman half Every Fat Stereotype Simultaneously. Like seriously how did this even HAPPEN

Artist: ok so ive drawn this round softman in a cute lil fancy tuxedo who always carries lollipops in his back pocket

Writers: ah yes, the perfect Irredeemable Murder Cannibal Man

Or like..

Writers: we need an Irredeemable Murder Cannibal Man

Artist: dont worry bro i got ya *draws a big circle with a happy face*

Or of course theres the alternative universe where nobody involved in this project ever noticed that this character design looks fuckin precious, but i dont want to live in that world

And then he's only in!! Two episodes!! And theyre so weird and not great!! Its like they kept changing their mind whether he was meant to be funny or scary. Goes from "ha ha a fat man enjoys cookies" to "he literally wants to make cannibal cookies out of humans" to "but ha ha look he's cosplaying as the genie from aladdin, lets go back to laughs now".

And also they made him be a huge jerk to Are Bacchino and that pisses me off!! Its already a bit shitty that they made a character whose entire "joke" is that he has ocd/germaphobia and its meant to be funny? Somehow? That he has this mental illness? And is frequently exposed to stuff that terrifies him?? Funny how???? But then theres a really rather disturbing montage of Gyan punishing his sidekick by straight up triggering his phobia and YIKES MAN sorry thats even more evil than the cannibalism! Also why was it drawn all overly detailed and Saw-esque?? Why did we need so much art effort put into showing dirty feet and a guy being forced to stick his hand in a shit filled toilet. Was this someone's goddamn fetish or something???

So yeah. Upset.

U P S E T T I. R E G R E T T I.

I'm so mad they wasted a cool character deisgn and cool concept on such a shitty execution. Like even the plot could have been cool? They could have got a lot more episodes out of the idea of these two runnibg thru fairytale books and cosplaying as different classic villains. And if theyd just made a damn decision and gone with either funny cute or scary bad then it could have worked! Personally i am voting for funnycute obv course. But also thatd work best with this plot, it would have been better if it was just a low stakes goofy adventure with something like "oh this dude wants to find the legendary magic wish thingie to wish for a lifetime supply of chocolate and our heroes wanna wish for something actually important so thats why they fight". Could have even added some drama cos like he doesnt know the thing is actually dangerous and then what if he ends up possessed by it and you still get a fight with him thats pretty high stakes without having this weird inconsistant personality thing. Could be quite a dramatic twist to suddenly have comedy villain man as a genuine threat! Ans could be a way to resolve it all with friendship cos you could have Are Bacchino teaming up with the heroes to save his boss and then Gyan is like "whoa i guess you guys were 100% right all along" when he gets saved from his own bigass mistake and all. And then THE GAMES COULD ACTUALLY MAKE HIM PLAYABLE PERHAPS, JUST SAYIN

Also PLEASE rewrite like every single thing about the relationship between the two of them. Please take whoever said "yeah gyan should outright torture his one and only friend with a messed up Saw movie ocd-triggering machine" and throw them out the window. Consider this: what if..they were actually...friend. Like i feel they'd have enough comedy potential already just from being a "rival mafia" thats literally two people who are ludocrously incompetant at everything they do and only ever succeed at (literally) stealing candy from babies. Play up that side of things more! No need to throw random super evil shit at the funnymen to make them seem more intimidating, theyre at their best when theyre not intimidating at all. And you could still have the same gag of the fairytale world forms always being Gyan as some sort of classic villain and Are as a talking carpet or whatever, like just say thats how the magic works instead of Gyan doing it on purpose to be a jerk. And you could even still have Are being the funny underdog just from sheer bad luck instead of being purpisely mistreated by every single character in the entire cast. Or have it that Gyan is just a bit of a bumbling idiot boss who doesnt notice his mistakes and Are is like the hypercompetant sidekick who always ends up taking the consequences of those mistakes because he's like an overportective bodyguard. Which could also be a way to establish some cute friendship moments! Like i dunno someone's about to throw a pie at Gyan and Are does an overdramatic diving save and a whole fake death scene from the sheer horror of getting banana cream frosting on his suit. "Boss...go on without me..." *cough choke* And Gyan is like *equally overdramatic tears* "He made the ultimate sacrifice! I will avenge him!!" *charges forward to fight the heroes and just gets easily beat up like usual* And then its like *even more continually dramatic narration* "and the boss was beaten and bruised, but he carried me for miles through wind and storm" *over footage of like ridiculously impossible heroic adventures thay clearly didnt happen* And then it just cuts to the two of them sitting at like...ye olde fantasy laundromat. Are sobbing like "oh boss i'll never forget this" and Gyan is just like *thought bubble* "i wish i got to eat that pie tho"

I dunno maybe im naive but i just think shows are generally more fun when characters actually like each other and have motivations beyond self interest. Obvipusly not EVERY character has to be like that, but nobody is ever kind at all in the damn anime whether theyre villain or hero. And also specifically these sorts of minor role villains can benefit a lot from being fleshed out this way to become way more memorable! Like gin and kin became way better in Psychic Specters when they got the added trait of loving and cherishing their little brother. (To the point of it being a literal battle power that made their horribly hard boss fight even worse, lol!)

Also just...plz dont make a man so cute if hes meant to be big badness. Like seriously Are looks scarier than him and Are is like the least scary man to ever have those scary ass eyes! Smol depressed man with ocd and tol round lollipops friendo. I WANT TO LOVE THEM

Im gonna just cross my arms and sit here stubbornly hoping for The Anime/Game Effect to kick in. Like 99% of all characters in the anime are jerks and even when anime originals end up cameoing in the games they tend to become generally nicer and more well developed as people. So fingers crossed for a yw4 appearance thats full cute and 0% cannibalism!!!

Seriously fuckin.. CANNIBALISM

Why does the anime do that so much as a "funny" "joke"? The episode where Jerry murders a sentient dessert yokai in graphic gory detail still haunts me. "Ha ha its funny because technically theres no blood so we can show her gasping for breath with a hole in her lungs as a man eats her corpse" Did they put the entire budget into that one death animation??? Oh no cos they saved at least a little of it for the Herbiboy Gets Murdered By A Lawnmower episode T_T

Anime why u be this way.

#gyan amakano #i wonder what dub name theyd give these guys if they made it into yw4 tho?#apparantly are bacchino is a pun on al pacchino + germaphobia #but i dont know if theres any pun behind gyan's name #i can only speculate that it might have been based on the real name gianno

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markfordeletion-blog · 6 years

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LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO ME! -!!!-

@metrophor

If you let out one wise-crack that I don't like on this thread I will take your ego, shove it into your id, and push it so far into your soul that your mother cries tears of joy after you qualify mentally as anything more stable than a vegetable that can hold a pencil. I am very accurate. I'm hurt, I'm not dead. I wanted to talk about a suicide attempt I had a couple of years ago. I was having problems with a girl that I like. I was talking to her online. On her channel she mentioned that if anyone had problems that she would be there to talk to them. I started to talk to her about my mental diagnosis. I freaked her out, which made things worse. I couldn't stop talking about all of the problems in my head. It made the relationship tense and I was already dealing with major friend-zoning while she flirted with all of the other guys. The thing is I've never been able to win at that game. As things got worse I basically gutted myself in a message. Everything that I could think to say about what scared me. Every damn creepy detail about my diagnosis. She cut contact with me after that. The thing was I couldn't let go. I tried every avenue to keep talking with her, just because I still believed that she would listen, like she said. I was still able to watch her content and chat, but even then one day I had an episode and she told me to get lost. I tried a few other times to reach out to her. In my mind I still loved her. But in reality I just couldn't let go of my pain. I'm always in pain these days, or empty. Not even numb, though I still don't feel. There is a direct quote of her calling me a 'retarded psychotic faggot bitch' which to avoid explanation titles my condition to a T. I take people at their word. I checked her channel one more time and saw her basically giving another guy a lap dance. She looked like a piece of plastic. I've carried myself for 29 years as an abuse victim. I have had to deal with being belittled by everyone who gets to say that they care about me. I am incredibly intelligent, it just comes out in a stupid way because of how analytical and referential it is. That is to say I am intelligent in a retarded fashion, which honestly juxtaposes tradition intelligence based on it's inconsistencies. It's almost like Kaiden Alenko from mass effect as a biotic, to paraphrase "The L2 implants are more painful than the L3's, but they spike higher". Excuse me. I'm somewhat floored looking at what seems to be the summation of my existence. Anyway I've carried myself and every piece of trash that looked like it might get wet in the rain with me, and didn't. fucking. break. until I saw that. I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her. I'm the one that can't let go and she told me to stop several times. I broke. I was already dead. I didn't even think when I grabbed a full bottle of aspirin, minus 4+-2 pills. ~90 325 milligram tablets of aspirin. To punctuate the whole thing I squirted iodine down the back of my throat. Crawled into bed and passed out. I slept for about 14 hours of what I can only describe as being mildly uncomfortable. I woke up vomiting, but the pills had already passed into the rest of my system. It was just bile. I passed out again and when I woke up I called 911. I looked up aspirin poisoning recently and that much aspirin should have liquefied my intestines. I sat in a hospital room with an IV bag basically absorbing the aspirin into my system. When my blood was draw, roughly 2 days after I took the pills, it was sludge. Dark crimson with a matte black finish that I suspect was from the aspirin. I'm tired of not being good enough. I was never good enough for my parents. If you are still reading this, I need help. The only contacts that I have where I live are my family and they treat me as a sub-society relation. Every word I say is criticized and if the tone of my voice emotionally influcts to much they start pretending that I am dangerous. I am in danger of loosing my apartment, section 8, SSDI, bank account, car. I still have a future. I'm smart, trained, skilled. But I just need to float a few months. I am in need of about $3000 to be safe for the next month. SSDI is being re-instated but it might not kick in in time. I aced a conversation with a clinic lead about an application, and they are in high demand of my position. That is to say, I am good to pay back the money. I am trying to sell things to make up the difference. I have an autographed basketball that in all rights could run up to 10k, and potentially more if you find a motivated buyer. If you can help with a loan, consider it a gift. I'd still pay you back. I don't need nice things, and in all rights it's bulky and just gathers dust. I never much liked basketball. It would be important for me to send it to anyone who could help. Just as a thank you for reaching out. I have a signed baseball that is more important for me to keep anyway. I'm scared right now.

You’re so very special. I wish I were special. But I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo.

You’re not new no, I’m done. tell viv hi

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themakingofkai · 6 years

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L&D

I wanted to record my take on the arrival of TBD Kaleem Rokadia somewhere and I figured I hadn’t told you guys yet anyways so feel free to ignore these journal like entries - my feelings won’t be hurt. Also I only get small chunks of time to myself so this will likely sound inconsistent and be written in installments.

Tuesday - I’m at lunch with another expectant mom and I get up to put on my jacket and I feel a gush. Did my water just break?! Shoot - I’m strep B positive so if my water broke, I have to go to the hospital even if I’m not in labor. Bummer, I was hoping to labor at home as long as possible since we did get the apt so close. Call my OB and they say to come into the doctors office to assess what’s happening - luckily their office is two blocks away as well. OB says it was my mucous plug which can include water like ish and that this is a sign of labor to come but no timeline. During my vitals my blood pressure is high but my adrenaline is also pumping bc this may be go time. I’m 1cm dilated and they send me home. I’m quite pleased that there is still a chance to labor at home.

Tuesday evening - I start to feel period like cramps. Likely literally at the period level of pain which it’s been 9 months so it’s hard to decipher how bad the cramps are. We walk to an open house at our pediatrician office which I had signed up for 1.5 months ago. The crampsget a little worse during the Q&A session and I imagine myself going into labor amongst a bunch of other pregnant couples and one of the pediatricians - I’m feeling like I’m in good hands.

Tuesday overnight - Ummmm...those aren’t cramps, those are contractions - funny, I didn’t expect contractions to feel the same as cramps but it is early labor so that makes sense. We start to keep track and the timings are all over the place. I can definitely tell when a contraction peaks but I can’t really tell when it ends bc it just kinda fades away. But the timings aren’t really keeping a pattern. The rule of thumb was 4-1-1 which is contractions every 4 min, each lasting 1 minute and that going on for 1 hour. This ish was like 30 sec or 14 or 45 and sometimes 2 minutes apart but sometimes 15 minutes apart. We decide to watch the newer Law & Order SVU episodes I had been waiting on to pass the time. Nothing like a child abduction to get you in the birthing mood. Around 3am we give up on keeping track and the contractions haven’t gotten so bad that I can’t sleep. I go to sleep thinking that tomorrow is going to be the day - AAKKKKK! - should I look at my vagina one last time tonight before it goes through all the crazy?!? Naw, too sleepy.

Wednesday - we have a scheduled OB appt in the afternoon so I start cleaning everywhere and make sure our bags have any last minute items. Wow - today is going to be the day isn’t it? It’s kinda weird the like know. I hadn’t known when it would be for so long and now the end felt so near and I was ready to be pregnant for another week easily. 39 weeks exactly today. Contractions are still inconsistent but in effect.

They take my vitals again at the OB and my blood pressure is high again - calm down Uzma. You getting too excited about this. I have a couple of contractions while in the waiting room and I can tell the other women are paying attention to us- anjum writing down times, my cringing and my lame attempts at breathing. The OB sees us and they do another physical exam and I’m only about 1.5cm dilated. Really? Dangit - those contractions felt more like proper early labor instead of cramps now so I thought things had progressed. I’m told I’m having prodromal labor.

Wait what - is that like false labor that could go on for days and I could not be in labor until like next week. But they want to take my blood pressure again because the heightened BP is concerning. It’s high again so our midwife advises that we go to the hospital to do some BP monitoring to ensure it isn’t something like preeclampsia. She gives us the heads up that is a chance they will admit us so take our bags and get something to eat before going as well.

Wednesday early evening - I go to Mr Falafel but can barely eat my food. The crampy false labor pains are kicking in a bit more. Two police officers in line before us are intrigued that we felt the need to stop at Mr Falafel on my way to the hospital. Probably bc I can’t stand and take a seat while anjum orders takeout. I can’t wait for the food - anjum walks me home and then goes back to pick it up. I cuddle up to endure my last few contractions at home in the comfort of my bed. Anjum gets home and tries to feed me but also tries to gather a load of dishes to get done. We head to the hospital and it isn’t too busy on the L&D floor. Triage is quick and I’m hooked up to get BP monitored immediately. Now the other things they hook up to me shows us the baby’s heart rate and for the first time, we can see when a confection is happening/coming. Woah - that’s weird. So anjum can give me a heads up when one is on it’s way and when it’s gotten over the hump of it’s peak. Ravi Patel is the doctor (resident) that sees me and he examines me. I’m only 2cm dilated. Hmm. The nurse has to draw blood but she recommends I get an IV put in in case I’m admitted. I didn’t realize I had an opinion until later but her IV installation skills were dope! And she made sure the location was somewhere it wouldn’t bother me for future possible baby holding.

Wednesday night - so the contractions keep getting stronger but I’m not dilating so they say they want to insert something called Cervidil and it could go in for up to 12 hours to help me dilate. I’m mildly worried bc they recco I don’t get an epidural before this and I was already in some pain. Also the first 2 hours of insertion I can’t get up so I’d have to use a bedpan. Did I mention this was my first time staying at a hospital in my life? And now I was adding my first bedpan experience to it as well. Good times - ugh. Overnight were the fun contractions - the ones where I cursed at the world and sometimes anjum would try to help me breathe and relax or he would just be apologizing that I had to experience this. When I was able to get up and walk, I would have contractions standing up and just lean on anjum like Weekend at Bernie’s style, all limp and lifeless. Anjums size came in handy because I would literally have him lift my body out of bed to the toilet - I was tempted to punch him at times but I held back.

Thursday morning - they took out the cervidil but I hadn’t dilated too much so potocin was going to be needed. I had clear instructions from two girlfriends to get an epidural before starting potocin bc the contractions get even more intense then. So I made the request and took on a few more intense contractions while waiting for the anesthesiologist. EPIDURAL FOR THE WIN! Such a game changer.

Thursday noon - I’m not dilating fast enough and the baby’s heart rate shoots up and plummets to unhealthy places with each contraction, my heart rate was also shooting up. They think it could be the potocin so they stop administering it hoping I’ll naturally contract and dilate.

Thursday afternoon - I can hear the midwife and doctor sitting next to me, watching the monitors and discussing options. My midwife was way against epidural and interventions during any of my doc appts so hearing her be on board for alt options feels serious. I’m half asleep but hoping I’ve dilated enough to get this party started. They check me, I’m at 7cm, and that’s not enough. At this rate it would be another hour per cm and then the stress of actually delivering could be dangerous for the baby. They talk with anjum and I about a csection and in that moment I feel emotionless. I know the birth plan goes out the window and there is a 50% chance of csection with preeclampsia but that wasn’t supposed to be us. I finally open my mouth to ask that I want to make sure anjum can be with me and the emotions roll in. I’ve never had surgery; I wasn’t ready for that; why us; what could I have done to prevent this? I had primrose oil at home and that was supposed to help with effacement - I should have used that. Anjum was calm and comforted me as I nervously agreed that continuing may be risky.

C-section the process was a lot faster than I expected and anjum was by my side. I felt movements and pressure but no pain. They wouldn’t let anjum watch bc of the risk he may pass out so he was behind a curtain with me. The anesthesiologist who was a total desi aunty was the first to call that the baby was a boy just as they were about to show us so we could find out. Thanks for that, aunty. We were told earlier that our baby would go to the NICU after birth but the pediatrician attending the csection examined him and determined he didn’t need to. What an amazing relief. I was so groggy and at times couldn’t keep my eyes open after he was born but this I could comprehend - my baby won’t be going to the NICU. Anjum got to spend time at the warmer as they examined, he ceremonially cut the cord, and watched him get cleaned up. They brought him over to me for skin to skin time after he was examined and cleaned up. I had the choice to have anjum stay with me or go with the baby and I sent him with the baby. Then I was left alone while they cleaned me up but I was still behind a curtain. I was left with my thoughts and occasionally falling asleep bc of how sleepy I felt. I remember having all sorts of vivid thoughts in that time but I can’t remember them now. I reunited with anjum and baby in the PACU recovery room. I was so out of it that I had anjum stay by the baby’s side anytime they took him to get checked up or anything. Anjum ran back over to me from the warmer where baby was being checked out by another pediatrician to ask if it was okay to give the baby a bottle. His blood sugar was a low and she recommended it. ACK! I wanted to breastfeed and the first thing he would eat was gonna be a bottle. I was in no condition to disagree with a pediatrician so I said okay. In hindsight I could have tried to have the baby latch on to me. I didn’t realize I already had colostrum until another hour or two later when one of the nurses encouraged and showed me how to have the baby latch on. So another one of those not according to plan situations but after the first bottle, his been breastfed since so perhaps that wasn’t the worst decision.

And here we are a week later and we still don’t have a name for our little untitled baby boy. We are hoping to fall asleep and wake up to some inspiration on our short list. Wish us luck!

And you now know we decided on Kai Kaleem Rokadia. Born 2:32pm on Thursday, Dec 14th. 7lbs and 19.75 in length.

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