#ive been so depressed lately but i never cross over because i truly love life. experiencing new or old art all the time. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lassieposting · 3 years

Note

skulduggery/alt!serpine for the getting together ask game?

I’m bored, so. Send me two (or more) characters for a headcanon on how I’d have them get together

OHOHOHOHO SEE THIS IS A GOOD ONE BC

ive already been thinking about this and im. Lowkey really glad im not the only one

See I always hated skug with any serpine, like I was a passionate anti from 2007 - about three months ago but. I enjoyed their dynamic in phase one and then i read like three of their interactions from sow and got converted or some shit apparently idfk, anyway u know i love an angsty ship

this got really long so tldr; enemies to vitriolic hate-sex buddies to lovers, painfully slow burn, but they'll both die claiming they still hate each other

It begins with China.

She orders him to kill Serpine, and he refuses. He's not even 100% sure why when he does. It's not like they're friends. He's killed people he liked a good deal more than Nefarian Serpine under orders.

But she says, "kill him" and he says, "no", and then things spiral so quickly that it's actually a few days before he even has time to think about her parting shot, flung at him as he walked out on her: "if you want to keep him, you'll be the one looking after him. He's your responsibility, not mine. And if he hurts someone, you -"

He'd shut the door on her at that point, but he knows what she was going to say. You look after him yourself, you train him yourself, and if he hurts someone, you kill him yourself. A wonderfully old-world way of looking at things. He's fairly sure he remembers getting the same speech from the housekeeper when he tried to bring home the ugliest feral tomcat he'd ever seen as a small boy.

(This will come back to bite him. He's not sure how or when, but it will. That's the way of things, whenever he turns his back on China Sorrows. Her last parting shot - a classic "you'll regret this" - ended up getting him killed.)

But then there's Mevolent, and cleaning up a city in the aftermath of its latest Traumatic Event, and putting a size 10 to the backsides of the City Guard, so his priorities get reshuffled somewhat, and it's almost a week later that he thinks to ask, "Heard from Serpine lately? He's being oddly quiet."

Valkyrie blinks at him from the passenger seat. Her fingertips tap tap tap at the touchscreen. She's messaging someone. He doesn't know who. "He's...around."

"Why the pause?"

"Hm?"

"You paused," he points out, switching lanes to get around a hatchback dawdling along at 60. "He's...around. You're trying to hide something from me. I'm aware you still talk to him, you know."

She doesn't deny it. He's gotten used to that, in the last few years. She doesn't tell him things anymore. It's that distance, the distance he can try to banter over but never truly remove. She's a lot further away than his passenger seat. "He's been looking for somewhere to live, like. Now that he's here for good. So, you know. That's probably keeping him busy."

Nefarian Serpine is living out of a stuffy first-floor rented room above, of all things, Vaurien Scapegrace's pub.

He knows this not because China was having Serpine followed (although she was) or because plenty of old faces from the Sanctuary still owe him favours (although they do), but because he receives a text from Scapegrace at a quarter to midnight, in the middle of a grisly murder scene.

have u beaten anyone up lately? do u want to? think thrasher just rented one of our rooms to a war criminal

He taps out a response, half-focused on the screen and half on Valkyrie examining the photos on the dead man's mantelpiece. She looks like she's just figured something out.

Which one? Thrasher, or the other guy?

By the time he's dropped her home, said hello to the furball and returned to the city, morning is bleeding into the sky. He knocks sharply on Nefarian Serpine's peeling rented door, and then again when there's no response.

From inside, a thud.

Then another, followed by some deeply impolite language, and then the door jerks open. Serpine, wearing an impressive bedhead, a scraggly attempt at a beard and a pair of patterned socks with a hole in the toe, squints out into the hall and snaps, "D'you have ANY IDEA what time it is? This place is supposed to - ah, shite. It's you."

"It is," he agrees.

Serpine gives him a sulky jerk of the head - an invitation - and vanishes back inside. He follows, closing the door gently behind him. Inside the room is dark and depressing and smells faintly of mildew and sweat. There are clothes on the floor.

He pulls the curtains open and looks out the window, giving Serpine some privacy to get dressed.

"Found me at last, have you?" Serpine asks from over by the bed. There's a rustle of fabric and the sound of a belt being done up. "What do you want? Come to take my other hand?"

That's it. That's what's different. "Other? You don't seem to be missing any at present, Nefarian. Valkyrie's work, I take it."

Serpine sits down on the bed with a squeak of springs, and when Skulduggery turns to face him, he's smirking and, thankfully, wearing trousers. "Ever so nice of her, wasn't it? Doesn't work like the old one, though. You know. The one I used on you."

He sighs. "And here I thought this last week would've given you time to come up with some new material."

Serpine shrugs and spends a moment picking out a pair of shirts from the wardrobe beside the bed. If it's a test, it's a painfully obvious one. Almost an invitation. Go ahead, shoot me.

No, this is something Skulduggery knows far more intimately. A display of brittle confidence in the face of a threat. I'm not afraid of you. Do your worst.

Serpine is afraid of him. Afraid of being arrested, maybe, or killed, or worse. He'd have relished that fear, once. Delighted in flipping the tables.

He leans back against the desk, ankles crossed and arms folded. After a moment, Serpine turns around with a shirt on a hanger in each hand. He holds them up for an opinion.

Skulduggery points wordlessly at the green one, and the blue goes back in the closet. "If you're not here to kill me, what do you want?"

While Serpine is doing up his buttons, Skulduggery retrieves the folded sheaf of paper from the inside pocket of his long coat, and holds it up. "I came to drop these off."

Serpine's vibrant eyes narrow. "What is that? An arrest warrant?"

"A list of landlords in Roarhaven willing to rent to refugees. Valkyrie mentioned you were looking."

Serpine blinks at him. Skulduggery doesn't often bother with the facade in Roarhaven, but if he had a face right now, he'd be blinking back. It's a weirdly awkward moment.

"...thanks," Serpine says after a moment, tentatively reaching for the papers; Skulduggery leans forward to pass them over. "That'd be...helpful."

He sounds very uncomfortable saying those words. When Skulduggery responds, "You're welcome," he feels much the same.

Serpine unfolds the papers and skims them. Three pages of property listings. Tipstaff had printed them off for him with only a raised eyebrow and a, "Never thought you'd move out of Dublin, Detective."

"What brought this on?"

He looks up. "Hm?"

"You show up here at an ungodly hour of the morning, nobody to rein you in, and you're being helpful? I don't buy it. I know China as well as you do. She told you to kill me, didn't she?"

"She did," Skulduggery acknowledges, and a very old, very spiky part of him gets a kick out of watching the blood drain from Serpine's face. "I told her no."

"Bollocks."

"Hard to believe, isn't it? But it's true. Ah, don't look at me like that, Nefarian. It's got nothing to do with you. I was just feeling argumentative that day. And, if nothing else, I can always rely on China to argue with me if I tell her no."

"So -"

"For my sins, she made you my responsibility, see. I'm supposed to keep an eye on you, make sure you don't get up to any of your old tricks. And if you do, then I'll kill you. I'll be checking in on you to make sure you're behaving yourself. Think of me as a...probation officer, of sorts. With benefits."

More blinking. This version of Serpine is not a morning person. He bets his alternate self got to sleep in far later in this Serpine's dungeon. "I'm not seeing any benefits."

"The benefit is I get to kill you if you step out of line. I never said the benefits were for you."

"Are there any benefits in this for me?"

He considers this for a moment. "You get to live. Because of me. I saved your life. "

Serpine's face is emotionless and his voice is flat.

"Oh," he says. "Yippee."

He's interviewing a witness when his phone rings.

He politely excuses himself, and steps out into the hallway to answer it. "Pleasant."

"Hello!" Serpine says brightly, and launches immediately into, "I want a car."

Skulduggery's fake face blinks at the sigil-embossed wallpaper. It takes a second to even register the voice, and another to pick up on -

"How the -? Who gave you this number?"

"Valkyrie." Serpine sounds completely unapologetic. "And you're supposed to be teaching me to drive."

Serpine can't see his head tilt. He does it anyway. "Am I now? And what gave you that idea?"

"I'm your problem now, remember? Besides, you agreed to it," is the smug answer. "Before our little holiday back to my dimension, I said I wanted a better house and a latte and a car. And driving lessons."

"I never agreed to that."

"Well, you didn't say no. That's agreement by default. Sorry."

"Plenty of people can teach you to drive, Nefarian. You could teach yourself, even. Watch a video on Youtube."

"Detective Pleasant, I am shocked," Serpine teases, suddenly dripping with insincere concern. "Think of all those poor defenceless mortals I could run into. There's an advert on the television about how you're specifically not supposed to hit them with cars. It kills them, apparently. How will I cope without you there to make sure I resist temptation?"

Skulduggery grinds his teeth. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Immensely. I'd completely forgotten how much fun it is to have you at my mercy. And you did say you're supposed to keep an eye on me."

Skulduggery goes quiet for a moment, focusing on reining in the urge to hit something. Serpine's face. He wants to hit Serpine's face. With a chair. Trust him to figure out that being Skulduggery's responsibility meant he could go to him for help.

"Fine."

"Excellent! And now you have my number, so you can let me know when you're free."

"Since when do you have a mobile?"

"Since today," Serpine says airily. "Tanith helped me pick one out. I can talk to anyone, anywhere, whenever I like now. Isn't that great? I mean, I only have two numbers, three now that Valkyrie's given me yours, but still. Now I'll always have someone to talk to."

"This is a work line. It is not for social calls."

A passing sorcerer startles a little at his tone, and he gives her an apologetic smile. As an afterthought, he rolls his eyes in a you know how it is gesture. But she's already walking away, so really he just rolls his eyes at her back, which is probably rude of him.

Serpine is still talking. "- can send little moving pictures, and I've downloaded all these little applications, so now I do all sorts of fun things. Do you use...whatsit...Snapchat? I have Snapchat now. And I've got Angry Birds and Candy Crush and Grindr."

And that? That right there? That is more than he ever needed to know about Serpine.

"Goodbye, Nefarian," he says firmly, and hangs up.

He checks in on Serpine once a week, officially. Unofficially, he clocks more hours than he'd like to admit parked in an alley outside Scapegrace's pub, waiting for someone to scream bloody murder. Serpine spots him a couple of times, gives him a jaunty wave with his newly-regrown hand on his way to the off-licence, mocking and unconcerned.

But nobody gets murdered. Serpine seems to be...behaving. For now.

"I've volunteered you for move-in duty," Valkyrie says, apropos of nothing. When he blinks at her, she shrugs and takes a sip of her coffee. "Serpine's found a flat. He needs some furniture shifting."

He's not going to throw anything at his partner in this busy mortal cafe. He's not.

"I see. And you thought that has anything to do with me because..."

She polishes off the last dregs of her drink with a slurp. "I can't float stuff up stairs."

The apartment Serpine is moving into is a decent two-bedroom on the fourth floor of a six-floor block in a quiet area with a history of minimal unexpected-demolitions-by-overpowered-supervillain. Skulduggery idly wonders, as he pulls up in the parking area behind the building, whether a mass murderer moving in - and the frequent visits by the other mass murderer charged with keeping an eye on him - will bring down housing prices. China will hate that, when she wakes up.

Serpine is waiting for him out front, surrounded by boxes and furniture, already looking a bit frazzled. His outfit is stylish and his slicked-back hair is sticking up in places where he's been running his hands though it. He startles and looks up at the sound of footsteps, and seems to breathe a sigh of relief. "Ah! You came. Valkyrie said you'd know how to go about getting all this, you know. Up there."

"You can hire people for this, you know," Skulduggery tells him. "Removal men."

"With what money?" Serpine asks, a little helplessly. "Valkyrie gave me some of her old things, but I got most of this from - what's the word? - second hand shops, and the refugee aid centre. I've been looking for work, but...you know." He gestures at his face. "This is my criminal record."

Which...is a fair point, so Skulduggery rolls up his sleeves and moves to one end of a squashed two-seater couch. "Fair enough. Grab the other end."

Serpine's mouth almost drops open. "You want to carry it? Like peasants? I thought you were here to float the damn thing!"

Well, he could. But the world isn't actively ending right now, so he can afford to be petty. "I don't use magic unless I have to, these days. We'll be doing this the old-fashioned way."

"But." The last time he saw someone look this aghast was when Valkyrie realised how the citizens of Roarhaven saw her. "But that's manual labour!"

"A little manual labour will do you good."

"Gods, I hate you," Serpine tells him as he moves to grab the other end of the couch.

Skulduggery turns the facade on specifically to give him a smug smirk. "I know."

By the time they're finishing up the boxes, Serpine's new neighbours have come out into the hall to see what all the banging is about. They seem young, mostly - too young to recognise him from the war. Skulduggery is starting to suspect that Serpine has accidentally moved into student housing, but he keeps his mouth shut. Serpine is being chatty and charming, holding court in the corridor, and Skulduggery mostly lets him get on with it in between trips to the bottom of the stairs to pick up more boxes, until a young woman who holds Serpine's front door open for him and chuckles, "Left you doing all the work, has he? He's a talker, your boyfriend. I bet you don't get a word in edgewise."

It's not often that Skulduggery Pleasant is lost for words. "I. I'm sorry. What?"

Fortunately, Serpine chooses that moment to interrupt the conversation he's having and interject, "Oh, no, darling. We're not together. He's just here to make sure I stay out of trouble."

There's something off about how he says it, though. There must be, because the woman taps her nose like he's just confided a secret, and Skulduggery can't help but feel like he's just been made the butt of a joke he doesn't fully understand.

He checks on Serpine once a week. Occasionally Serpine texts him. A blurry photo, usually paired with a caption like, "what the hell is this?"; a set of traffic lights, or a lollipop man, or a chihuahua in a little jumper. Sometimes he responds, but sometimes he doesn't bother.

It's not like they're friends.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Roarhaven's shopping district is bustling, and Nefarian Serpine is late.

Skulduggery's been people-watching, drumming his fingers on the tabletop, for fifteen minutes when he finally shows up with a to-go coffee cup in one hand and a stack of books under the other arm. He's frowning.

"You're late," says Skulduggery, by way of greeting.

Serpine shrugs, taking the seat opposite. He dumps his books on the round table and gives the menu a cursory glance. "Sorry. I was at the library. Almost missed the bus."

A waitress approaches wearing a shirt stamped with the logo of the little bistro they're sat outside, and while Serpine orders lunch, Skulduggery idly examines the titles stamped along the spines of his book mountain. Some of them look old, leather bound tomes with fancy gold lettering, and the rest seem to be...textbooks, of all things.

"A little light reading, Nefarian?"

"Huh?" Serpine - busy watching the waitress walk back inside - swivels round to face him, and shrugs. "Oh. Yeah. I want to see if they match up with the slanderous shite they're teaching at the university."

"Excuse me?"

Serpine shrugs. "Vapid and Ty - you know Ty, weird hair, lives next door - thought it might help me adapt if I learn more about how your world is different to mine, so. I've been sitting in on some classes. Unofficially. History. Mortal Relations. That kind of thing. You have battles here that never happened back home, you know."

Skulduggery folds his arms across his chest and leans back in his chair, amused despite himself. "Mortal Relations? You're going to Mortal Relations lectures. You."

"Shut up," says Serpine, pointing a finger at him. "You don't get to laugh. You're not the one nobody wants to hire. - because that's still a problem, by the way. Aren't you supposed to be helping me with that?"

"I'm supposed to be making sure you don't kill anyone or make a nuisance of yourself. Sorry to disappoint."

"Would it kill you to write me a character reference?"

Skulduggery coughs conspicuously into his gloved hand with the throat he doesn't have. He picks up the top book from Serpine's stack and flips idly through Religion & Warfare: The Rise Of The Church Of The Faceless In The 15th Century . "Think about that one for a minute, Nefarian, and you'll remember why it's not happening."

"Fine. Be like that." Serpine's shoe nudges his leg under the table. "Here, were you at the Battle of Black Rock?"

He has to think about that one for a second, then hums in the negative. "Hm. No. I missed that one. I think that was when I was holed up in Cork with a broken leg. Why?"

"History 201," Serpine muses. "I tagged along this morning. It was mostly about that fight, but it never happened in my dimension. It was borderline slanderous, honestly. The professor is an imbecile."

"You're dying to vent, aren't you?"

"Would you mind terribly?"

Skulduggery pulls his ornate pocket watch from his waistcoat pocket and checks the time. "You've got fifteen minutes. Better talk fast."

Time goes by.

He checks on Nefarian once a week. They have coffee, sometimes. Valkyrie knows not to cross the line of bringing Serpine to Skulduggery's home, but she adds them both to a group chat and neither one leaves.

Nefarian wrecks his first car, and Skulduggery makes the drive out from Dublin at 5.45am to rescue him. He calls the tow truck while Serpine sits, pale and shaken, in the Bentley's front seat, drenched from the rain and squelching miserably every time he moves.

He apologises for calling so early, and for once he sounds like he means it.

Skulduggery takes him through the McDonalds drive thru to cheer him up, and as Nefarian tucks into a box of fries with gusto, he thinks, oh no.

They're not friends. They're not.

"Is this a date?"

Skulduggery tilts his head, hand stilling over the car keys. "I'm sorry?"

Valkyrie tosses another piece of popcorn into her mouth. She's already in her pyjamas, fluffy ones with dogs on them, and she's flicking through the Netflix queue. "You're all dressed up. Is this a date? Have you two finally gotten over yourselves? God knows it's been long enough."

He snatches up the car keys and sniffs, disdainful. "After all these decades, Valkyrie, if that's what your expert detective skills are telling you, I have failed as a mentor."

"And now you're getting defensive."

"I'm doing no such thing. Where's Tanith, by the way?"

She laughs and does double fingerguns at him. "And that's deflection!"

He sighs - dramatically, for her benefit - and as he checks his pocket watch, she continues, "And, she's on her way. Get out, already. You have a date to keep and we have movies to watch."

"It's not a bloody date," he complains, patting his pockets to make sure he's got everything. "And I originally asked you."

"Yeah, but opera's boring. Here, is he meeting you there or are you picking him up?"

"Goodbye, Valkyrie."

"See?!" She shouts after him as he shuts the front door. "Date!"

#skulduggery pleasant #remember when my shame post of shame was mere valdug? nope u get this now #thats right yall #i got WORSE #goodnight ✌🏻#there were gonna be more scenes in this believe it or not it just got SO FUCKING LONG #skulpine #which is not a ship tag i ever thought id be using rip

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terryblycute · 3 years

Text

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

#long post #suicide tw #negative #corona tw #idk what to tag #2020

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venfx · 7 years

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Oh boy, I got another idea for a prompt, something I was discussing in the Discord: After the day Phil and Rita spent together and her waking him up, he's steadily getting better and better. But it's not totally linear. Though being good to people is making him feel good, it feels more like a distraction from the larger aching emptiness still inside him. Even as he finds new ways to fill his time, he still sometimes longs for an end in sight. One morning, in a moment of weakness, he makes (1/2)

one more attempt. However, he doesn’t actually die this time and wakes up in a hospital bed. For once, it hits him how real his body and what he’s been doing to it truly is. He’s pissed at himself for falling back into this and doubts if he’ll ever be able to just look on the bright side like Rita said to. To his surprise, before the day resets, his mom shows up at the hospital to see him, having urgently booked a flight over there. She’s pretty angry and scared and upset and gives him some harsh words, and she also loves him so, so much. They talk and she stays with him until it’s 6AM again.

why do you make me hurt him so. anyways this was a doozy but also weirdly fun to write mostly because i just got my EMT certification and am therefore allowed to throw in useless medical jargon

(again sorry mrs. connors you don’t deserve this)

send me fic prompts here!

CW for suicide mention/attempt

It’s impossible to put into words just how much Phil despises the inventor of the alarm clock.

“That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers, it’s-”

He slams his hand down onto the snooze button.

He’s never been a morning person.

Lately, his days look a little like this: sit up, stretch. Answer the phone on the first ring. Make sure to get the girl’s name- it’s Lisa- and wish her a good morning before heading out the door. Compliment Jonathan’s new sneakers, fix the coffee pot, meet up with Ned to chat about his family.

Then, get coffee for the crew and Rita, do the broadcast, change a flat tire, rescue a cat. Practice the piano, charm his way into staying a few extra hours.

Try to save the old man.

Fail to save the old man.

Drive Ralph and Gus back from the bar.

Wake up, do it all over again.

And, like, okay, it’s not all bad.

Phil’s a new man, with a new lease on life and a steadily improving rendition of Hot Cross Buns to prove it. The more time he spends here actually living, the more he grows to love each and every resident of Punxsutawney.

He has friends here, as bizarre as that sounds.

Even if those friends don’t, y'know, remember him.-Here’s the thing: sometimes, his life feels like the weird second act of some two-bit play. The fact that the curtain will never fall is irrelevant.

Helping people of this small, quiet town should be enough.

It is enough.

In terms of eternity, he’s won the fucking jackpot.-Still, it goes without saying that some days are easier than others.

“That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers, it’s-”

"That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers, it’s-”

That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers, it’s-”

He’s getting better.

He is.

It’s just, well. Sometimes.

Sometimes, he isn’t.

Here’s another thing: Phil spends the night before his seventeenth birthday locked in his parents’ bathroom with a bottle of his mom’s sleeping pills and a flask of gas station tequila he’d bribed off of his sister’s boyfriend a month earlier.

He’s sixteen years, three hundred sixty four days, twenty two hours, and seventeen minutes old.

People keep telling him that it’s going to get better, that he’ll be okay, that his problems are small and that everyone feels like this every once in a while.

Maybe they’re right, but Phil’s not stupid, either- he knows that people aren’t supposed to be this empty, knows that there’s something in him that’s always going to be small and broken and wrong.

He’s just so fucking tired.

"That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers, it’s-”

Twenty three years and a thousand endless days later, he barely thinks twice before swallowing the whole damn bottle.

Phil wakes up.

He wakes up.

He’s not in the bed and breakfast.

For one panicked moment, he thinks maybe-

He jack-knifes up, yanks the cannula out of his nose. “Excuse me!”

There’s a nurse passing by his room. She turns, looks at him with a special cocktail of muted pity and vague disgust, which Phil very politely ignores because he is a nice fucking person now, thank you very much.

“Sorry, but um,” he rasps, voice hoarse. It sort of tastes like something crawled into the back of his throat and died. “What’s today’s date?“

“February 2nd, dear. I’ll go tell the doctor that you’re up.”

February 2nd.

Right.

He wakes up again to a woman in a white coat standing at the foot of his bed, reading off of a clipboard.

“Phil Connors, 40, found unresponsive underneath a bridge near Patsy’s Park. Presented with mild hypothermia, bradycardia, hypotension, and significant respiratory depression as a result of an alcohol potentiated benzodiazepine overdose."

Phil just wants to go back to sleep.

“ER administered 0.8mg of Flumazenil intravenously upon admission and performed a gastric lavage shortly after. Vitals have been stable since seven this evening.”

“Huh,” he mutters. “Thought it’d been longer than that."

His doctor sighs, like she’s unimpressed or something, which strikes him as kind of rude.

Phil almost died.

God.

"Mr. Connors, you went outside half naked in the middle of snowstorm to chase 220 mg of clonazepam- that’s fifty five pills, by the way- with a bottle of raspberry vodka-”

“It was grape, actually-”

“Regardless,” she says and, great, her voice is all gentle now, like being nice is going to change anything. “I don’t think we need to pretend that this was accidental.”

“Shit, what gave it away?"

"Mr. Connors, was this your first attempt?”

And Phil-

Phil thinks of the toaster.

He thinks of suffocating, of bleeding out, of freezing to death, of walking into traffic, eyes shut, over and over and over again. He remembers the rope and the car battery and the fucking clock tower.

He thinks of the screwdriver- and, okay, that had been a little excessive, but whatever.

He feels sick.

"Yeah,” he says, slumping back against the pillows. “Yeah. First time.”

They keep him on mandatory 72 hour watch.

Not that it really matters, but.

Phil hates hospitals.

The phone rings when Phil’s on his seventh episode of Law and Order: SVU. He’s eaten, like, four things of green Jello and an entire bag of ice chips.

On screen, Ice-T is arresting a pedophile with a clown fetish.

He’s pretty sure his nurse is avoiding him.

This kind of feels like a new low.

“Mr. Connors? You have a visitor. Should I send her up?”

Phil absolutely does not want to see Rita right now, but also feels like he owes her for blowing off the broadcast and then literally almost dying.

Plus, he’s been trying to be less of an ass lately.

Really.

“Yeah, go ahead,” he says with a sigh. “Thank you.”

“Phil Connors, what the fuck.”

That’s not Rita.

He’s going to kill Rita.

“Mom? Jesus, who called you?”

“Is that how you greet me? We haven’t spoken in six months, and all I get is a Jesus-who-called-you?”

Joanne Connors is sixty four years old and 5'2”.

She carries herself the way some people carry machine guns.

“So, I’m in a hospital bed, don’t know if you noticed-"

"I noticed that you look like shit,” she says, scowling at the IV in Phil’s arm like it’s done something to personally offend her. “So, I’ll reiterate: what the fuck.”

Phil’s been nursing a low level migraine since he woke up and the shrillness of his mother’s voice adds a special new dimension to this whole experience.

“Thanks, mom,” he says with a sigh. “Did you really fly all the way out here from Cleveland?”

“No, I was in the area,” she says bitingly. “Of course I flew out here. Your producer called-”

“Associate producer, actually-” he says, just because he’s feeling a little bitter.

“-saying that you were in the hospital, that it looked bad, that they found these pills-”

“I’m fine, oh my god-”

“-so, yes, I did fly out here in the middle of a goddamn blizzard. That flight cost me five hundred dollars, by the way-”

“I never asked you to-”

“-and that doctor you have is a real piece of work-”

“Mom! You’re yelling."

She stops abruptly, looking stricken.

With horror, Phil realizes that her eyes are welling up.

He hates seeing his mom cry.

"You stupid, stupid boy,” she whispers. “You selfish, thoughtless child. What were you thinking?”

Phil can’t remember the last time his mother hugged him, but when she does, it feels like china, like glass, like something breakable and precious all at once.

“Mom, I-”

He doesn’t know what he wants to say.

There’s something ugly in his chest, some horrible emotion that makes his throat tight and his eyes burn. He can feel his mother’s tears seeping into the flimsy fabric of his hospital gown.

Phil grips her back like he’s drowning.

Eventually she pulls away, dabs at her eyes with a trembling hand.

“I’m so sorry,” she says. “Phil, I’m so sorry.”

“Um. Don’t be. This isn’t your fault,” he says thickly, scrubbing a hand across his face. “I just- uh. It’s been a long day.”

She chuckles weakly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Phil doesn’t want to talk about it, and for once, she doesn’t push.

They just sit there instead, watching crappy crime procedurals and eating Jello. She tells him blatantly untrue stories about his childhood and pretends to be interested when he delivers a ten minute lecture on introductory quantum mechanics (his newest research project) and a half hour summary of the first four seasons of Game of Thrones (that he only watched for Rita).

At one point, she leans over to press a kiss to his forehead.

“I love you so much, Phil. So much.”

He closes his eyes.

Here’s a final thing: the day always resets in the time it takes him to blink.

In that brief moment or space between seeing and not-seeing, a cosmic rubber band yanks him backwards, pulls him taut through time. He knows it’s happening before it happens, even though he’s never actually seen the clock hit six.

"That’s right, woodchuck-chuckers, it’s-”

He slams a hand on the alarm.

It’s a new day.

#ghd #groundhog day the musical #ask #itsqueermrmarvin #prompt fill

15 notes · View notes

crazykendal · 7 years

Text

The Most Personal Ive Ever Been

Please dont read this

Who was the last person you took a picture with? 

I made a video with my sister a few nights ago

Do you have a younger sister? 

two

Did anything “cute” happen today?

Haha no, like always

Has a boy/girl ever called you babe/baby? 

I accidentally called my friend Morgan babe once haha I got to see her today for the first time in months

What woke you up this morning?

My alarm clock

Does anyone know your personal tumblr password?  

Surely a lot of people know because it’s really simple

Who last made you smile? 

This guy

Do you have a bad temper?  

Seriously I have anger issues, of course

Who’s the last person you argued with? 

Honestly.. Myself. I kept telling myself how dumb and stupid I was, something new

Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? 

yeah

Do you speak your mind all the time or hold things in? 

I used to speak my mind a lot to people I cared about. I won’t anymore because it’s kind of regrettable sometimes.

Do you believe that you can change for someone? 

Yeah of course, it’ll kill you not being yourself with a mask like that but whatever, maybe they’ll like your fake self more..? Who the fuck knows

Who was the last male you talked to, other than family?

My frienndd.. Yeah

When was the last time you flew in a plane?

Never

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?

Chloe Price is inspiring but I do not want a full sleeve tat.. So no

Do you find tattoos attractive in the opposite/same sex?

Depends, a lot is too much

What do you want right this second?

To find out who’s gonna be in my classes, seriously that’s all I need

What’s the last thing you touched, other than your computer?

My rubberbands on my arm

How do you feel about girls smoking?

Haha here have some lung cancer

Do you prefer the ocean or pool?

pool.

Are you outgoing or more shy?

Depends on who im with. I’m really crazy and annoying with some friends and i’m more serious with others, or just awkward and dorky with others.

Are you wearing jeans right now? 

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

Depends on who

When was the last time someone held your hand?

The other day, but it was my sister lol

Whose jacket did you wear last?

my own.

Is there something you’re looking forward to?

Can you commit to one person?

Of course

Are you a mean person?

Yeah, I should probably be taking medication for it

Has a guy/girl sat on your bed before?

both

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? 

Nope we’re always chasin that paradiseeeee

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

My expectations? All the time!

Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?

I never am and it’s always getting me down but whatever I’ll just sit here on the floor

Is your room ever clean?

sometimes

How often do you listen to music?

It’s something i’ve grown to need. I have to listen to it or i’ll go insane or kill someone. (im listening to music now) ~keep daydreaming~

Are you one to start the conversation?

Yeah, I’ve realized that, so if anyone has been wondering why they haven’t talked to me in awhile it’s because I’ve figured that i’m probably annoying or something.

What’s your relationship with the person you last texted? 

We were kinda.. Friends last year not really (I kinda used her.. Sorry not sorry)

Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground and carry you?

No, but I can do that with people

Are you a couple with the last person you kissed on the lips?

Haha nope

Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

shorts

Are you wearing a ring, if so who gave it to you?

Don’t own one

How many people have you had strong romantic feelings for?

Haha one, but fuck that

Have you ever walked on the beach at night?

Yeah, I did once when it was a full moon, it was pretty neat

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms?

What was the last thing you licked?

my lips

Last time you laughed?

About 30 minutes ago

Were you intoxicated the last time you threw up?

Sure wasn’t

What are you doing tomorrow?

I have to go to school and were having a stupid dance afterwards

Who was the last person to make you mad?

White supremacists

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?

Spiderman Homecoming with my dad and sister

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?

Technically yes, but it wasn’t their fault?

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?

Kind of haha, now that ive looked back, theres things a lot of those people have in common

Do you care too much about your appearance?

yeah

What are you listening to at the moment?

La devoteeeeeeeeee

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?

Haha i’m no hoe

Is there anyone you want to come see you?

Yeah, but at the same time I wish I never saw them again

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?

kinda…

Who was the first person you talked to today?

My mom

Will this week be a good one?

I’m gonna end it good

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?

No I bought Gta V again and I got Life Is Strange Episode One

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Next time you will kiss someone on the cheek or forehead?

I’m going to die before that thought crosses my mind

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?

Doesn’t matter

Be honest, are you starting to gain feelings towards anyone?

Omg this guy in my math class who sits behind me, but i kinda maybe liked him last year haha

Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

Sometimes.. Not usually a lot.

You’re single, right?

Some people think i’m not but i’m not saying anything

Excited for anything?

yesss

What do you have pierced?

The person/people of the opposite sex you truly care about needs you at 3am, would you go?

maybeee

How’s your heart lately?

Broken and whole

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?

No ive got schoool

How old will you be in 14 months?

15 woot woot

What is the next thing you will probably buy?

Life Is Strange: Episodes 2, 3, and 4 or preorder the new Life Is Strange: Before The Storm Deluxe Edition.

Do you think girls deserve more respect?

Yeah, were treated like trash

Explain your relationship status?

I seem taken but dood idk

What’s on your bedroom floor right now?

My carpet :)

Is there a girl that you would do absolutely anything for?

apart from family, nearly anything.

Aw cmon, maybe like 2 months ago maybe. Not anymore.

Who was the last person you saw, besides family?

My neighbors

Has anyone of the opposite sex hurt you emotionally?

maybe

Would you rather be stuck in the pouring rain, or in a snowstorm?

rainrainrain

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

Can you swim well?

sure

What makes you mad about girls?

All the cute ones are straight

What makes you mad about guys?

Why are they all f boys, seriously

Have you ever been given roses?

Biggest pet peeve?

People who keep telling me what to do

Are you texting anyone at this moment?

I just was

Are promises important to you?

Yes, I never tell people to promise me but I always trust people. I can’t anymore because one of my friends told someone something about me so I have major trust issues now! Yayyyy

What were you doing at midnight last night?

sleeping

What do you think of Valentine’s day?

Stupid af

Do you feel comfortable with answering personal questions?

Nah I don’t care

What’s more important in a relationship trust or happiness?

TRUST. no trust I can’t love yah

What’s a nickname you go by?

None because NO unless certain reasons

How do you calm down when you’re extremely angry?

Panic! At The Disco’s emperors new cloths on repeat, which i’m doing right now and i’m not mad but it helps a lot

Do you like the beach?

I used to a lot

Do you ever apologize first?

Yeah because that’s after I realize I just yell at people.

Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?

He’s my dad so strong connection?

Why aren’t you happy?

Depression actually runs in my family and i’m not mentally well so that’s cool How do you feel about chocolate covered strawberries?

nah

Was it a boy or a girl to text you first today?

My dad

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed on the lips?

Well technically no because I never had or ever will

Is there anyone you know that deserves to get slapped?

Me, and a ton of people

What are you most looking forward to tomorrow?

Seeing friends

Where is the boy you want most?

Oh boi I don’t know at this point

Have you ever seen your best friend cry?

I lost my bestfriend, but my old one? All the time when she was little haha

Are you wearing makeup right now?

Just washed my face so no

Is your hair up or down right now?

Down forever and then the rest of the Now Or Never lyrics

How many months until your birthday?

4 months til im 15, I can just hear that stupid 15 taylor swift song

Do you like falling asleep to the sound of the rain?

yes

Who was the last person who gave you advice?

My mom

Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?

I never am dude

Do you have feelings for someone?

Kinda? Not really because i’ve basically killed my heart at this point

What are you planning on doing after this survey?

sleep

What’s something you really want right now, be honest?

If I were always myself and being honest I would say but i can’t

Is there a guy that knows everything about you?

No, not one. No ones knows everything about me, not even me at this point.

Do you look at the keyboard when you type?

I am right now so haha

What was the reason behind the last time you cried?

Can’t remember

Are you secretly in love with someone?

I used to be? What? How? Never again? Yeah haha fuck me

Will you be in a relationship in the next month?

Dunno but I can’t say no

Last person you rode in a car with under the age of 21?

My sisters

Would you ever dye you hair black?

Do you have a best friend?

Used to

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?

My dad?

Who was the last person to wave at you?

A girl who I kinda know

Is there anything bothering you right now?

yeah

What color shirt are you wearing?

white.

Who was the last person you hugged?

My cat

Is there anyone in particular that you’re missing right now?

Not anymore but maybe

Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year?

yes

Do you miss the way things used to be?

Yes but things have changed maybe for the better

Is any part of you sad at all?

My whole life, yes

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Doubt it, most people forget about me so what fucking ever

Do you like anyone at the moment?

Nah not really

Do you think the last person you kissed is nice?

Funny you say that If never kissed a soul on this planet and based on my guesses on how long im gonna life I say I never will

Who was the last person to call you?

friends

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?

Water

Are you scared of spiders?

What are your plans for this weekend?

I’m gonna get a laptop and maybe get Life Is Strange if I can convince my dad to buy it

Ever been swimming in a lake or river?

both

What did you last buy?

stuff

What’s irritating you right now?

I’m waiting for something

Are you listening to music right now?

Halsey’s Hurricane at its finest

Do you like Chinese food?

sure

What is the last movie you saw in theaters?

Spiderman homecoming, tom holland is adorable

Was this the best year of your life?

No, but it was my luckiest

First and last name of your very best friend?

none

What was going through your mind during your last kiss?

WHY THE FUCK DO ALL THE SURVEYS I PICK INCLUDE KISSING STOOOOOP

Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?

No but definitely daydreams. I started daydreaming like crazy last year and it’s destroying me. I think its called maladaptive daydreams? Not sure but it’s crazzzzzzzzzzzzy

Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?

haha yeah, it almost feels physical

Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?

Nah cuz I dont have either

What did you do yesterday?

First day of school

What time did you go to bed at and when did you wake?

I went to bed at 10 and woke up at 6

If the last person you dated said they were in love with you, what would you say?

Who are you

What places have you been to today?

school

Anyone of the opposite sex been on your mind lately?

Not really

Do you like long hugs?

yes

What mood are you in right now?

idk

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?

yeah

When was the last time you sang an entire song?

2 days ago

Last person you texted?

My dad, don’t worry I have no friends :)

Latest you stayed up in the past week?

Maybe like 11

Have you been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?

No never had to go to the er before

Is tomorrow going to be a good day?

I hope so

What did you have for dinner last night?

I didn’t have anything

Are you wearing matching socks?

yes

Do you know how to read music?

Do you get nervous when someone is angry and yelling around you?

I get mad and then I get mad at myself which isn’t good

Who did you make plans with today?

Myself and my schedule

What smell reminds you most of summer?

Heat? Could that be a smell? Or chlorine

When in a car and you’re at a stop light or something, do you look at people?

Do you plan on moving soon?

Have you ever said something and then regretted saying it after?

Ah my whole life summed up

How many piercings do you have?

none

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

depends

When you think of the rainbow, what pops in your head?

Funny you ask, probably lgbtqia+ pride stuff

How long does it take you to shower?

I never know

Explain why you last threw up?

Stomach flu

What’s the opposite sex form of your name?

kendal

Have you ever lost contact with someone you wish you didn’t?

Ehh no and yes

Did you talk to a complete jerk today?

probably

Is the last person you kissed more than a year older than you?

nope

What do you think of Lady Gaga?

I love her

What’s the most important part of a relationship in your opinion?

Love, respect, and TRUST

What time are you waking up tomorrow?

four

Are you currently reading a book?

No but I will on October 3rd

When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

I’m listening to 100 letters awww yeahhhh, Idk

Do you have any piercings?

Were you single on your last birthday?

yes

Have you ever spent the night at a boy’s house?

probably

When was the last time you felt honestly broken?

Sometime in may like maybe the 16th

Are you craving something?

Are you thinking of someone right now?

I always am

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?

noooooooooooooooo

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I know someone who does

When was the last time you stayed up late because you were talking to someone?

Sometime in January

Have you had a good day today?

sure

Is there any chance you will kiss the last person you kissed again?

nope

Do you still talk to the last person you made out with?

Woah what..?? Haha

Are you wearing socks right now?

yes

Is your birthday on a holiday?

Can you make a dollar in change right now?

Have you ever been out past curfew?

I don’t have one yet

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?

Ew no

Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

Never have

When was the last time that you consumed alcohol?

never

Who was the last person to cook dinner?

my mom

How many people have told you they were in love with you?

No one

How often do you wear necklaces?

Everyday

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

Yep, I plan on it

Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Of course

Do you tend to make things complicated?

always

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?

READY FOR THE MOSH PIT, SHAKA BRAH

MAX CAULFIELD I LOVEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Have you ever stayed up with someone of the opposite sex for a whole night just talking?

Texting? yeah

Where was your profile picture taken?

At a shopping outlet in Oregon with my sister

Are you counting down for anything?

STAR WARS EPISODE 8!

How often do you drink energy drinks?

never

Do you ignore people when you’re mad/upset with them?

Not really

Have you ever dyed your hair?

Are you an emotional person?

I didn’t used to be

Are you nice to everyone?

Of course not

Have you had any relationships this year?

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

yes

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Both

What feature do you usually get most complimented on?

Eyes or my hair haha

What do you usually order on a pizza?

pepperoni

When did your power last go out?

years ago

What would you order if you went to McDonald’s right now?

nothing

Are you obsessed with anything?

CHLOE ELIZABETH PRICE

Do you have long nails?

What flavor of toothpaste do you use?

mint

How many posters do you have in your bedroom?

A lotttttttt

Do you buy birthday cards or make them?

Make them

Is there a TV show that you watch every day?

Do you eat your pizza crust?

Yeah dude

What do you spend the majority of your money on?

Video games

What is the worst pain that you’ve experienced?

Heart break

Does your bedroom door lock?

What is one thing you will never understand?

People’s thoughts

0 notes

this-sinking-ship · 7 years

Text

8th August, 00:15

Ash, It's been just over a week since we got into that huge fight over messenger, you said some truly horrible things to me and I showed you this blog. After reading it You said it hit you hard. You said that you didn't deserve me, asked me why had I stayed, that you were sorry, so so sorry, and you promised you would make it up to me. I can't say I didn't feel lighter, I did; I felt like my emotional burden had lightened somewhat; but I didn't feel relieved. Things aren't fixed yet. And as much as I wanted to believe that this realisation of yours was all you needed to start being a good boyfriend, I knew that it wouldn't be. For the next few days you were great. You were nice to me, you were affectionate. So affectionate. you listened to what I had to say, you were engaging, you helped clean up after dinner, you barely looked at your phone, you made me laugh, you made conversation with me, you made breakfast... I knew this was your way of grovelling (which I know Is hard for you given that you never admit when you're wrong), but I was waiting for something a bit more than how you should have been treating me in the first place. You know, something to actually make up for the 10 months of being a total shit. But it never happened. And now you're pretty much back to being exactly how you were before; rarely making contact unless I make it first, scrolling idly through Facebook when we're together, being snappy for no reason, laying in bed while I get everything done, being absent, and generally not seeming bothered about me in the slightest. I'm in a corner again. If I say something you'll jump down my throat and tell me to give you a chance, it's only been a week, and think I wasn't happy with how much you upped your game last week, probably assume I'm ungrateful. I was happy. For the first time ever with you, I was actually content with how you were treating me, but I still don't feel like it was enough. I'm wondering if there is anything you could possibly fathom that would be enough to make me forgive all of those months of not being enough. There are things you could do, so so so many things, but I know they would never cross your mind and I'm sure as hell not gonna tell you what to do. Ive been living in hope for months that one day you'd have this realisation, finally sweep me off my feet and do something as romantic or thoughtful as any one of the things I've done for you this past year... and now even though you've had the realisation, I still don't feel like that's any more likely to happen. You found some scars on my thighs a few days later, and asked me what they were. I struggled to get my words out because I didn't know how to tell you that I'd cut myself because of how worthless you'd made me feel, and that it wasn't the first time either. You got mad at me, said I was ignoring the question, and kept asking me over and over in this harsh accusatory way how they got there. I thought for a while that you were implying I'd got them from cheating on you, your tone was so stern and harsh. I told you I'd cut them with a pair of scissors. You asked why and I couldn't answer. Not because I didn't have an answer, but because i knew if I gave you the truth you would get defensive, say it wasn't your fault, that you didn't make me do that, I did it to myself. So I just said I felt sad. You asked me not to do it again, and that was the end of it. That was all you wanted to know. You weren't bothered that I'd felt low enough to do something again I used to do when I was 15 and deeply depressed. You weren't bothered enough to ask what had made me feel that way. You weren't bothered enough to ask if I'd done it before. You just weren't bothered. You just got angry because you felt awkward and it was the only emotion that came out. I brought it up over messenger a couple of days later, the fact that you hasn't really asked me much about it, and you told me that you were waiting to speak to me in person because you knew I hate talking over messenger. We've still had no such conversation, and from what I can gather; the whole thing, including your apology and "making it up to me" has all been forgotten about. In case you ever did care to know, this is why. I don't have much love for myself. Despite what I tell everyone, I actually hate myself. For what I am, the things I've done and the huge, enormous number of mistakes I've made. I've slept with a lot of people, I've got with a lot of people, I've dated a lot of people; because in the past I always needed someone validating my worth for me because I could never see it. Now I understand my worth and what I deserve, part of the reason I'm writing this, but this realisation has brought for the first time in my life a tidal wave of regret. I know what people think of me, and I never cared before; until Alex. He told me that everyone knows who I am, that everyone tore into him for being with me, that he could do so much better than me, that no one liked me, that everyone thinks I'm a slag, that I'm dirty, cheap, dumb, broken, worthless. I told him to fuck off at first, said I didn't care what people say; but when someone tells you something over and over and over again, you can't help but start to believe it. I became scared to go out. I didn't want to walk through town or go to bars. It's part of the reason I rarely go anywhere but the parcel yard anymore. He revived some demons that I've had shut away for years, and I still haven't managed to put them back in their box. Being with you has helped a little, but not much. The sheer fact that you're willing to be seen with me helps somewhat, but I've never had many voluntary words of encouragement from you. Every single day I think about the things he said. I try and tell myself that they're not true anymore, and I've changed and grown up; which I have, but I still have that empty broken feeling, like it doesn't matter because it's too late. I've fucked up too much, it took me too long to realise, now I'm out of time. There's nothing left to do but kill myself. I don't want to die, but I don't want to feel worthless anymore. These thoughts circle me everyday. His voice echoes in my head like a nightmare that never fades into a memory, and it feels like it never will. It's been a year, and I still feel my soul falling out my arsehole whenever my brain wanders back to his awful words. And then you. I don't know why, but you started an argument about Nick and that photo I sent to him in November. A photo I took of my cleavage, with my top pulled up a little and my bra showing. Even though we've argued it out already, you've already broke up with me and ignored me for three days over it; you still felt I needed further punishing for sending a tit pic to someone when we weren't together. That's when you started being horrible. Speculating how many other people I'd sent naked photos to, saying I'd probably banged loads of other people too, how could I send a nude to someone I'd met twice, and to have some self respect (despite the fact that you sent me a dick pic before we had ever hung out). You wouldn't even give me time to defend myself, you had already decided I was a slag and deserved to be kicked without being allowed to get back up. You confirmed for me what all of those voices tell me every day; that I am a worthless slag, I'm broken and fucked and don't deserve anyone or anything nice. I suppose cutting myself was partially my punishment for being so worthless, and partially my punishment for thinking you'd ever think I was anything more.

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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After 5 Years Of Relying On Medication, I Can Finally Sleep

Its been a long time since Ive written anything. And while my intentions were to blog every fortnight, this post has been extremely tough to write. For once I found it quite difficult to articulate my feelings and experiences, because of the personal nature of what I’m about to tell you.

A few weeks ago, I found myself chatting to one of my new friends, who is also an amazing business coach and mentor. He asked me how things were going aside from business, how are you feeling, just in general?. I thought about it and said, did you know, this is the first time in five years that Ive been able to sleep without taking a pill?

Insomnia has been affecting my ability to sleep properly since late 2010. It was kicked off by a freak hockey ball to the head incident, which then transpired into mental health problems (thanks, brain). Around 1 in 3 people have or have had some degree of insomnia in their lives. For an unlucky few (like me) insomnia is/was chronic. If youre one of them and are reading this, know that its okay, there IS a way out.

Back in 2010 I got a wild smack to the forehead from a fast flying hockey ball, I was briefly knocked out and I opened my eyes not even realizing what had happened, but bizarrely, I was laughing! It wasnt until I felt the huge lump on my head that it suddenly hit me (hah, pun intended). Soon after this, I had developed intense trouble sleeping and experienced extreme headaches and photophobia.

In my traditional headstrong fashion I refused to go to the doctor, that was a bad decision. Months later things seemed to be getting worse in my head space. After seeing a bunch of specialists and getting an MRI and all that, it was concluded that I had Post Concussion Syndrome (a minor form of traumatic brain injury).

Because of this, my health took a drastic downward spiral. I was lethargic, had constant headaches, was depressed, irritated, and slightly delusional. The doctors prescribed me dozens of painkillers to cope. I was studying a BMA at the time, and working so I could afford to live out of home and life spun out of my control. The brain does crazy things when it experiences trauma, and for a long long time I was not myself.

I was enrolled in a national head injury study. They interviewed me about the events and my experiences, then they interviewed some of my friends and family. Every six months my reaction time and short-term memory were tested, as well as my mood and general quality of life. It took almost two years for me to get back to normal. I dont know why it was such a long time, perhaps some people are more susceptible to these kinds of things. A lot of people in my family battle with mental illnesses. But even when I was feeling better, I still had to rely on medication to sleep.

Luckily for me, my doctors had refused to give me traditional sleeping pills such as Zopiclone, because of their addictive qualities. That was fine by me, I never intended to be stuck taking pills before bed. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt survive without them. At first it was Amitriptyline, a drug in high doses used to treat depression, but I was on it for headaches and as a muscle relaxant.

Sometime after I finished my degree in late 2012, I changed doctors due to not having access to the medical center on campus. My new doctor tried to wean me off taking the medication, I was all in. But it just didnt work. I went back to him after slowly reducing my intake at his guidance and tried a few months without anything. In mid-2013 I had more responsibility with my job which added some stress, and without any pills before bed I was getting between 1 and 5 hours sleep a night. I got sick a lot, gained a lot of weight, my mood was unstable, and I was quickly becoming very unhappy.

So I went back to my doctor, I was attempting to tell him that I still havent been able to sleep but I sat there crying in his office because I was just so exhausted and frustrated. I just wanted sleep. He recommended putting me through a sleep study and to see a sleep therapist, but this wasnt subsidized and I wasnt financially able to pay for such expensive tests (startup wages, am I right?). So, I opted for the easier just for now option. We tried something new, Quetiapine, an antipsychotic drug which in high doses is used to treat people who are bipolar or schizophrenic. I didnt get a large dose, only small enough to help me sleep. But even then I woke up every morning with a drug hangover and it took me hours every day before I could feel completely awake.

I lived like this for a long time, always having to take a pill before bed. Sometimes that didnt even work. I vividly remember how I felt after a huge hike over NZs Tongariro Crossing and then the 2-hour drive home. I was so tired, so exhausted after that I could hardly eat. I was thinking surely, surely I am this tired I must be able to sleep. But then as soon as my head hit the pillow my mind became awake, overactive and as much as I tried, I couldnt settle it down. A few hours later I begrudgingly got up and gulped down that damn pill, desperate for the relief of sleep.

This is when I started researching sleeping techniques. Over the past year and a half I have tried everything; yoga, meditation, walks in the evening, less coffee, less sugar, evening protein, writing down to-do lists and thoughts in a journal beside my bed, sleep tea, calm tea, chamomile tea, peppermint tea, Chinese herbs, sleep drops, lavender under my pillow, hops under my pillow, sleep apps with meditation, hypnosis, screen dimmers, installing Flux on my computer, melatonin, no screens (mobile, TV, Computer) two hours before bed, non-fictional reading before bed, homeopathy just everything.

Sometimes it would help, Id feel sleepy, try to drift off, then all of a sudden my mind would wake, even though Id be so so physically tired. I didnt know it was possible to feel so exhausted and awake at the same time. So I would carry on using my little pills to sleep and feeling hungover in the morning. I hated it, I never truly felt awake in all that time. And if I ever went somewhere and forgot my pills Id always get restless nights with little or no sleep.

A lot of time went past, living like this. After deciding to leave Hamilton to travel, I ended up in Perth, Australia. By the time I got here my little box of magic sleeping pills from New Zealand had run out. I attempted fate once more and tried to cold turkey my way to sleep. It really wasnt working out for me. The smallest noise, a single thought, any slight disturbance would set me off and my mind would begin racing once more. No matter what I did, I just couldnt sleep. There is nothing worse or more hopeless than the feeling of wanting and needing sleep so badly but you just cant get there and you realize your own mind is the only barrier to falling asleep. I remember thinking, how hopeless am I that I cant even perform the simple human function of sleeping?.

The one good thing that came out of these few weeks was my deep inner search for a reason. I didnt feel like my head injury was the cause of not being able to sleep, it just seemed like some sort of instigator. Im not going to share the details, but what I realized was that I had become afraid of sleep, and everything else was just an excuse.

I ended up seeing a wonderful doctor here who prescribed me some medication to sleep again and referred me to a counselor who specialized in sleep therapy. I gladly took the medication and debated whether I was ready for a counselor. I wanted to overcome my insomnia on my own (I had only just started acknowledging that this is really what I had), but sometimes you cant do everything on your own, sometimes you need to accept that you need a bit of a helping hand. And this is what I did.

The first session with my counselor was amazing. She knew what had happened without me having to say much, she said it and I sat there and cried. I cried as years of pent up emotion and holding back just escaped from me and it was so relieving. Her theory was I had developed an unconscious fear of sleeping because I lose control over myself and have to give in to the environment around me. I didnt feel . Of course, I knew logically that I was safe, but there was a deep fear within me that I had never let go of, a blocked memory; trauma. It had nothing to do with my head injury, that was a catalyst, as well as some other events that happened between then and now.

And so started my road to recovery. I went to the counselor once a fortnight. We didnt just talk about sleeping, we talked about a lot and it was really nice. I finally found an app that helped ease me into the sleeping mind-frame, Pzizz. Every morning within half an hour of waking up I get at least an hour of exercise outside. If not, I try to sit in the sun for 20 minutes or be active in some other way. I dont drink coffee after 3pm and limit myself to two a day (on bad days). I dont have much processed sugar, I write to-do lists every day in my diary so I dont lie in bed and think about everything I have to remember to do tomorrow. My bedroom has become an area for sleep every time I watch something on my laptop in bed it affects the amount and quality of sleep I get, so Ive stopped doing that.

Routines are also very important I do the same thing before bed every night. I also try to stick to the same hours, but Im still learning to sleep so I havent been using an alarm, just trying to slowly get back into the right rhythm. Right now I usually fall asleep between 12am, wake up at about 6, then go back to sleep until 9 or 10. Its not the pattern I love, and I still have many days where some nights are better than others, but Im getting there, Im improving and Im not giving up.

My mood has become better, my skin clearer, Im no longer getting sick every few weeks and my focus levels are at an all-time high. I still have a lot of work to do, but for the first time in over four years I can sleep without medication, and it feels so damn good.