#ive gotten into a pattern of self hatred and i just want to love myself again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

peter-pantomime · 4 years

Text

Ask Meme

WELP HERE WE GO LMAO

002 | Character

Feelings

How do i feel about love of my life, idiot child of my loins, Richard Richie Dick Trashmouth Tozier? Listen ive been in some fandom or another for like fifteen years straight, some with more intensity than others, and there are some deeply obvious patterns that have emerged in the characters and relationships that make me absolutely lose my MIND. Is there a character who others (my mother) would call a dick, an asshole, a complete twerp? who is loud and obnoxious and performative and NEEDS attention? but who then under that is DEEPLY insecure and has lots of self-hatred and cannot handle actually being seen? sign me the FUCK up. Charles Xavier, Dean Winchester, Bucky Barnes, my loves, step aside - long live the ultimate clown, Richie Tozier.

OTP/Ships

Just gonna save this rant for the Reddie answer below.

Others

Non-romantic OTPs are a delight for Richie. I do love him and Bev when they’re kids, i think there’s a lot there in both of them about being terrified of puberty and what its revealing to them about themselves, and i havent really seen that delved into anywhere, but i think it would be really interesting to see. But i also love Richie and Stan, a lot of fics (Indelicate in particular i think) call them an unstoppable force and immovable object, and I love that dynamic. I’d like to see how that plays out more when they aren’t fighting lol. also in general I just love that Patty is showing up more in fics and I love their dynamic too.

Shitty Headcanons

I don’t know if its unpopular as much as its depressing, but the only way I can cope with the canon ending of the movie is if richie kills himself like, a minute after that last shot of him. In real life, I would never say that but in fiction? Narratively, I think its more in character than just smiling and bouncing along on his way after the love of his life is impaled in front of him BECAUSE said love saved him and he had to leave him to be buried in the diseased and dirty darkness with the corpse of their worse nightmare. Anyway, stay tuned for my Orpheus fic, itll happen eventually.

Canon

On that note like, i DON’T want that to have happened in canon, but like, I’ve long ago given up on looking to mainstream media for storylines and characterizations i want to see. I would have preferred Richie staying in the house with Eddie tbh, but again, wasnt looking to the film to give me a satisfying happy or sad ending for him/them.

Crossovers

I don’t really think about crossover stuff much, much more into AUs, so like, lets have Reddie in a The Mummy AU hows that. (also actually edit: theres a fic where Eddie and Carrie White are cousins and i LOVE THAT)

001 | Reddie

in the beginning

This is 100% one of those ships i blame tumblr for. It started with seeing some good reddie art going around before part 2 came out, then laughing at some posts probably, then going into the tags ‘just to see what was happening,’ and then resigning myself to knowing i was gonna see the new movie and watching the first one in prep and just seeing it hit all my buttons. twas inevitable.

happy/sad

I love nearly everything fandom spins out for them. not so much what canon did. I don’t particularly love modern AUs for them, them growing up in the 80s is very important to me, and it doesnt jive for me when richie isnt like, fucked up with internalized homophobia that he works through (even if its just acknowledged that he’s dealt with it before the fic starts, its just an important characterization for me). I don’t like stuff where eddie is super sweet and soft (...”chee”) and all woobie’d, like no, hes a little asshole and i love him for that.

other pairings

Another pattern in this deeply self-exposing parade of losers i go feral over is that i am embarrassingly singular in my shipping for them. Like, ONE true pairing to the heights, motherfuckers. Like, the similarities in the reasons I like Reddie and Stucky are comical. Kids who’ve known each other since childhood, one who’s sickly but absolutely a rage monster and one who’s loud and brash but much more timid on the inside, for whom the very concept of love was grown from knowing each other, who lose each other and literally forget each other for years, who then find each other again through bloodshed, and are now figuring out these teenage growing pains as grown people after a (N E A R) death experience? *anguished elk noise* literally havent gotten tired of it in the slightest yet.

happily ever after

honestly, variations on a theme at this point - living together preferably in LA, soaking up sunshine and each other’s company, just happy and in love and HAPPY. basically a combo of Ithots and bullet in the back.

big/little spoon

nah, eddie sleeping directly on top of Richie

favorite activity

this is just an expression of my own favorite activity, but them at a karaoke bar is still my favorite thought. Mostly because i need something where Richie sings Can’t Take My Eyes off You and it starts silly but then it HITS REAL HARD

#ask meme #reddie #richie tozier #otp

12 notes · View notes

kendrixtermina · 4 years

Text

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

#enneagram #enneagram type 5 #feelings #enneagram 5w4 #5w4

5 notes · View notes