#madam self loathing

[5ftboy]

"Conrad's view has always kind of moved out - to think of bigger things and other people, to think of larger places. And in moving away, sometimes the things that up close are huge and horrifying, get just a little bit smaller, a little bit more right-sized, a little bit easier to manage."

#dimension 20 #mentopolis #d20edit #mentopolis spoilers #alex song xia #conrad schintz #brennan lee mulligan #madam self loathing #mine ** #kindness and seeing even traits like guilt & shame as *necessary* parts of ourselves #and how these *exact* traits work side by side with conscience ( ie. having a guilty conscience ) #was Beautifully woven into this finale & alex knocked every interaction out of the Damn park #now i need to let my *own* “The Fix” rest ........

[everlastingremorse-blog]

Just thinking about the mentopolis adventuring party.

Specifically the value of Self Loathing. This idea that guilt comes from a place of you wanting to improve yourself is something that I knew but I didn’t know.

Like I knew to a certain extent that the parts of myself that I loathe were because they were loathsome (well, at least a few of them), and that I wanted them gone, but I didn’t connect that getting rid of the bad parts of yourself is the same as improving.

#self loathing #madame loathing #dimension 20 #mentopolis #siobhan thompson

[jyou-no-sonoko19]

(self-)defence mechanism

#Michelle Gomez #Doom Patrol #Doom Patrol spoilers #Laura De Mille #Madame Rouge #Ngl the cattish grin made my skin try to turn inside out and/or remove itself entirely #And the crow's feet??? I want her to tear my face off #no I won't even censor that #But also she's doing her best and Eyebrows!Laura could have `approached this so much more effectively #If she'd only chilled with the accusations of immorality #and taken one moment to meet her then-self where she was at #like... she knew what 40s!Laura was going through. #It wasn't that long ago for her at all #I'm just imagining going back in time to myself a decade ago #and yelling at her for all the stuff she hadn't figured out about herself and life yet #just like... the cruelty of it achieves nothing #except a whole new kind of self-loathing #See more in the following set of this convo

[finefiddleheaded]

"Madame Loathing-- Madame Self-Loathing. I know the more focus we give you the stronger you get, so I'll make this short. You are seen. And I accept you. I can't focus on you right now, but I do need your help. You serve a purpose; you've protected a lot of children... even though you didn't like them. So, if you can find it within you, can you please help us with the Big Guy right now?"

Madame Loathing looks at you [...] You watch Self-Loathing diminish and become that old woman again, a little bit less monstrous, and she says:

"You think... You think Elias Hodge needs me?"

"I think he needs every part of himself, and you're a part of him. And so am I. I'm glad to know you."

-Alex Song-Xia knocking it out of the park as Conrad Schintz (Conscience) in Mentopolis.

#this moment changed the way i think about storytelling #and about dming + playing ttrpgs #good god #i stopped the episode immediately so i could replay it and write it all down #conrad schintz #madame self-loathing #mentopolis spoilers #BIG spoilers #brennan lee mulligan #alex song-xia #dimension 20

[pennamenotfound]

I am having Big Feelings about the Home for Wayward Interests becoming The Fix's home with Pasha, Ichabod Ice Skates, and the rest of the Interests. As many other excellent posts I read point out, the fact that the Interests are being watched over by Madame Loathing (Self Loathing/Guilt) means that every time the Big Guy thinks about them, he hates himself and feels guilty for losing focus. But now, now when he thinks of his old interest in reptiles, magic, or bass playing, or his newly rediscovered interest in ice skating, he's passionate. He's allowed to fixate on them.

It's also a really really perfect ending for The Fix. Surrounded by facts he's allowed to care about that are not considered distractions, but interests, passions, good things for the Big Guy, things that he might even be allowed to pay Attention to with an old friend at the helm of conscious action. With the oxytocin flowing, with the red light district a full, working part of Mentopolis again, and with The Fix and Pasha running the Home for Wayward Interests, I'd imagine things are really looking up for the Big Guy.

Maybe it's sunny again in Mentopolis.

#d20 #d20 mentopolis #mentopolis #the fix #pasha n #elias hodge #madame loathing #home for wayward interests #ichabod ice skates

[thisisnotthenerd]

god what a fantastic finale of mentopolis. phenomenal work from everyone.

a list of my favorite things about this episode:

concocting a plan to both get money from don avaricci while not killing conrad. the character arc that dan fucks went through in mentopolis was slow but my god was it funny

imelda flashing her boobs and getting four gangsters on her side

dan flashing his dick and getting it shot immediately. on sight.

the diamond hard balls coming back to deflect the bullets

the mechanical changes that came from the key-pressure combination

ivana rolling a 59. truly what the fuck. two nat 20s and a 19 in front of the board. they watched that happen in real time. and trapp rolling a one sturdy. getting punched a quarter mile out of the station.

dan's heroic sacrifice for conrad fully made me tear up. the fact that he was distracted by the glorious revolution of pleasure does not detract from this

the adrenaline injection moment and curios moxie intake

all of the effort that went into medical attention for dan. fucking wilton. the hand spit guy is dan fucks' dad?!?!?!

the fix taking that key from madam loathing! he did it! he put it in his craw!

conrad talking madam loathing down with a d100 spirit roll! sometimes the mechanics really do tell stories in a way you just can't get in standard media

the 11 sturdy. the 57 spirit. (alex's favorite number because it's the number of Heinz varieties)

elias taking the initiative and getting going

the fix menacing don avaricci with dinoflagellates and punching the shit out of him

the birthday cake!

elias getting an ice skating date with the coffee shop girl!!!!!!!!

i owe my sister a call!!!!!!!

the entire epilogue was great: elias becoming a whistleblower and getting the mind control shut down, anastasia & fawn's relationship, conrad & dan fucks' business partnership, curio finding foot stuff

the fix and pasha get their own bullet point. half of that was hank and brennan just fully flirting. going to madam loathing's to: find ichabod, who had been running nostalgia's, stuck in the past for so long, propose (after 20 years of marriage? Hank what is happening?), find out madam loathing, now guilta is going on a self-discovery trip, fully just get her house, and custody of all of elias' repressed childhood interests!

anastasia running for public office alongside frank freeze (pay attention!) after getting the DA arrested in court

and of course, imelda capping it off with chattanooga choo choo

truly what a fantastic season. while both of the kids on bikes/brooms seasons i.e. mismag and mentopolis were fantastic, i think mentopolis had just enough time to really get a little more crunchy mechanically, and that resulted in some great moments in this finale specifically. this is a sidequest i will be coming back to for rewatching. i loved it.

#dimension 20 #dimension 20 spoilers #mentopolis #mentopolis spoilers #conrad schintz #anastasia tension #hunch curio #imelda pulse #dan fucks #the fix #d20 mentopolis

[debbiewebbie27]

Just gonna start a list of all the references/puns in Mentopolis because my brain takes 25 minutes to recognize each one:

Mentopolis: mental+metropolis

PCs:

Detective Hunch Curio: curiosity

Imelda Pulse: impulse

The Fix: hyperfixation

Anastasia Tension: A. Tension (attention)

Daniel Fucks: he fucks (also pleasure/sexual pleasure/urges)

Conrad Schintz: conscience

NPCs:

Victim - Norrell Ojiccle: neurological

Curio's assistant - Anna Lysis: analysis

Employees at Sugah's:

Hans Schadenfreude: schadenfreude is the pleasure by someone from another person's misfortune

Joey Sneezes: sneezing?

Libby Longshower: the feeling after a long shower? (Libido?)

Donny Urges: intrusive thought

District Attorney (DA) Mark Bition: M. Bition (ambition)

Mayor Leon Logic: logic or maybe L. Logic (illogical?)

Mr. Lance: vigilance?

The basset hound - Justin Fication: justification

Madam Loathing: loathing (self-loathing)

Orphans: forgotten/abandoned (wayward) interests (magic, reptiles, trains, lists)

Mr. Avaricci: avarice?

Locations:

Cortex City: external surface of the brain that plays an important role in consciousness

Oblongata Station: medulla oblongata - the connection between the brainstem and the spinal cord that acts as a conduit for nerve signals

Cerebell Pacific: cerebrum and/or cerebellum and also Pacific Bell telephone company

Synaptic Switchboard: synapse - the site of transmission of electrical nerve impulse

Temporal Square: temporal lobe

Hippo Campus University: hippocampus is a brain structure in the temporal lobe that has a major role in learning and memory

Occipital Park: occipital lobe is the area of the brain at the back of the head responsible for visual perception

Let me know if I missed anything or there's better references

#dimension 20 spoilers #dimension 20 #dimension 20 mentopolis #mentopolis #spoilers

[professorthaddeus]

i gotta say, as someone who grew up ashamed of liking “frivolous” media and writing fanfic, especially when it got in the way of me being “productive,” learning that Madame Loathing was self-loathing and that she hid away Elias Hodge’s abandoned interests hit a little too hard

#found this in my drafts and yknow what this still hits #also the way conrad became one of those things guarded by self-loathing because he led to elias being hurt? #and as elias grew older got in the way of his career aspirations? #brennan i’d like a word #mentopolis #dimension 20 #dropout #my meta #my ramblings #not cr

[islandoforder]

the reveal that madame loathing is actually self-loathing and she’s so cruel to the kids because elias hates his own old and forgotten interests, o my heart

#madame loathing #dimension 20 #d20 #mentopolis #brennan lee mulligan

[throwntotheair]

You cannot hide your self loathing under the guise of self improvement.

The way Self Loathing was corralling all the things that used to make Elias happy in favor of things that could bring him money and prestige.

Let me tell you... When I started crying...

Elias had hurt himself for a very long time because underneath all his accolades, he very much did not like himself.

And when Conrad just accepts the Madame - like can't focus on her but can't hate her either - hate only put her in a corner where she festered and haunted the same crevices as Conrad

That "step into the light" moment - when Elias acknowledges his self loathing and uses it to do better now - get good now

Let me tell you, I wept

#d20 #mentopolis #dimension 20 #d20 spoilers #genuinely thought self loathing would grow into something like self reflection #all the influence with less of the weight

[wispythreads]

I've read through a lot of posts talking about the implications of Madam Loathing's Home for Wayward Interests, both at the start and by the end, but there's a specific angle I've viewed it from (in part because of how The Fix would talk to Madam Loathing) that I haven't seen anyone else bring up yet.

Because, yes, there is the aspect of how the Loathing could be directed AT the wayward interests, especially with Ichabod being one of them and how much of a mess Elias is towards that whole part of himself, but I feel more like the Self-loathing is at Dropping the wayward interest.

"Magic/playing bass/learning about snakes was really fun, but where am I going to use it in life? I don't have time for any of that right now. Maybe I'll pick it up again once I finally have that free time back."

Except he doesn't, so he doesn't. But he still has those interests on his mind, because Madam Loathing is taking care of them. As much as she doesn't like them, and as much as she doesn't like the job, she's the only thing that kept them from simply being forgotten entirely.

#dimension 20 #mentopolis #mentopolis spoilers #madam loathing #part of why I really like her speech to Elias for him to get moving

[serialadoptersbracket]

Round 3, Match 10: Jean Valjean vs. The Fix

Submitted kids:

Jean Valjean: Cosette; Marius; Enjolras; Gavroche

The Fix: Conrad Schintz, and then he adopted like, an whole orphanage, named Madam Loathings home for wayward interests

Propaganda under the cut! (Spoilers ahead!)

Jean Valjean:

“Cosette is a given, but let’s be real, as Valjean became wrapped up with the revolutionaries, he became all of their dad”

The Fix:

“Ok ok so. Spoilers for mentopolis: First some context that mentopolis is a show that takes place inside one guys brain, all the characters represent something in the brain, and the guy whos brain they are in, named Elias Hodge, is so so very sad.

Ok so, The Fix, the personification of hyper fixation, is like is someone who has spent most of his life working for people, where his job was to 'eliminate distractions' (He kills people, basically). Then one day he is told to eliminate a child. His name is Conrad Schintz (Or the Conscience, due to an accident that happened to the guys who's brain they are in when he was a child- Conrad stopped thing he was useful, aka Elias stopped using his conscience, so his conscience has not grown since the incident, leaving him a small child)

The Fix has never had to hurt a kid before, and he doesn't want to do that, so he instead goes into protecting Conrad. Conrad kind of hates himself though and also kind of thinks he deserves to die so that's not good.

The Fix gave this like, beautiful speech to Conrad once about how hes important, I wont give the whole thing but something along the lines of "There is a butterfly who has a tail that is there for if a bird was to grab on to the tail, it would break off and the butterfly would escape. I don't think you are the tail of the butterfly, I think you are the butterfly." (its better in the actual show). I cry. There is another speech about eagles he gives Conrad when Conrad offers himself, to basically die, but i don't remember it that well.

Other then Conrad though! So There is this orphanage, called Madama Loathings home for wayward interests. Basically its a bunch of kids that represent past interests of Elias. Its run by this women called Madam Loathing (represents Elias' self Loathing)(she is very mean to the kids). The Fix donates a lot of money to this place, and visits a lot, the kids there love him and think he is so so cool. There is this one kid named Ronnie Reptile. He loves reptiles, and The fix gives him reptile facts, its cute. In the first episode, The Fix tells Madam Loathing how any of those kids/interests could be rediscovered by Elias at any time, and madam loathing sort of taunts The Fix, sort of saying how ""Oh I'm sure I can tell the kids they will call be adopted by The Fix soon, but that would be kind of cruel, wouldn't it?"" Implying that that won't happen. (cause, The Fix is hyper fixation, and hyper fixation adopting an interest would be good, you know.).

Note that Conrad used to live at madam loathing's, because he was mis identified as just a simple interest and not Elias' whole sense of conscience, but Corad ran away with his best friend, a dog named Justin. He lived on the streets after that.*

So a bit later on in the series The Fix and Conrad have to go to to madam loathing's together (and another character is with them but he isnt relevant for this). When they get there Madam Loathing asks The fix if he is here to drop of Conrad here, and The immediately is like "Absolutely not, shut the fuck up." (I think that's the direct quote). I just really like that scene.

At the end, end of the series. Some plot stuff happens. The Fix met a women named Pasha N (She represents Passon), and they are in love, The fix proposes to her, its sweet, but then madam Loathing, who got some like, character growth I won't really go into here, and she says to The Fix how, she needs to go on a trip to find herself, and then she offers the entire orphanage to The Fix and Pasha, which is accepted. So in the end of the show, The Fix has basically adopted, that entire orphanage, so thats a lot of kids, along with Pasha, but she isn't in the show as much so I wont submit them as a pair. I didnt mention it before but The Fix is known for knowing a lot of facts and saying "Did you know." before saying a fact, which a lot of the time, it is a fact that is truly terrifying but thats a lot, and The narration at the end of the shows, says how The Fix and Pasha spend their lives with kids around them, constantly saying "Did you know? Did you know?" and it is very sweet. Conrad sort of had his own ending away from The Fix, but I still head cannon that The Fix adopted him too and Conrad comes to the orphanage sometimes.”

#jean valjean #les mis #les mierables #the fix #mentopolis #dimension twenty #dimension 20 #dropout tv #serial adopters bracket #round 3 #tumblr polls #tumblr tournament

[cordership]

It would be really nice if Madam (Self) Loathing came back from her vacation as Madam Self Awareness. A blooming sense of self awareness would be really appropriate for this stage in Elias Hodge’s life; let him really take inventory of where he was, where he is, and where he’s going.

#dimension 20 #kids on bikes #mentopolis #elias hodge #madam loathing

[epsilonchi]

I'm halfway through the premiere of mentopolis and i'm obsessed with the worlbuilding and the philosophical implications of it.

"The Big Guy" aka Elias Hodge is a god for the characters, but also their CEO, and their client. The police and institutions ? That's negative self-talk and low self esteem. Journalists and reporters ? They signal uncomfortable sensory things, but not the uncomfortable mental things. Detectives like Hunch Curio are interested in tropes, patterns, and not in leads. Hyperfixation / the Fix's job is to eliminate distractions violentely, whether it is basic needs or intrusive thoughts.

It's not entirely realistic and it's far from perfect (Donny Urges as an intrusive thoughts who judt wants cake is... far from perfect) but the entire concept is so fascinating. I need so much more rn

Edit : nearly finished the episode and loooove the idea of kids as hobbies and interestd that could blossom, but are repressed in the refuge of Madam Loathing because they are not important . Also the mafia being related to greed and avarice is quite cool.

If I had to guess how this season will go I think the main villain will be a representation of work anxiety or burnout, who killed the employee ? Idk

#mentopolis #dimension 20 #d20 #dimension 20 spoilers #mentopolis spoilers #hunch curio #ismelda pulse #anastasia tension #dan fucks #the fix #conrad schintz #mike trapp #siobhan thompson #freddie wong #hank green #alex song-xia

[navarice]

my dearest fellow mdzs stans, i really don't want to spoil anyone's fun but sometimes some things must be said. please do NOT mistake fanon characteristics for canon characteristics because by GOD is it frustrating to dissect a character when all anyone wants to do is blindly turn away from the very vivid and metastasizing flaws.

jiang cheng is an extremely complicated character, and that's why we love him. but by god, he is a jealous, self-victimizing asshole with a massive inferiority complex who likes to torture (probably) innocent look-a-likes of his (as far as he knew) dead adjacent family member. jesus christ this isn't some simple case of miscommunication (well it is but, you know no amount of communication will ever mend the giant chasm that developed between them. especially not with asians raised within the most classical case of asian parenting, i mean come on now) but a matter of deep and intense self-loathing developed since early childhood projecting violently outwards. let me be clear. he hates wei wuxian. he loathes him. he wants to kill him with his own hands again and again so some part of his convoluted sense of justice and superiority will be fulfilled. he's a classist, a bully, and abusive to everyone around him. ong at the end of mdzs, i was nearly crying tears of joy when jin guangyao flayed him flat on his ass bc that man needed to hear it. he needed to feel it. he needed to stop blaming others and blame himself.

and!! he's homophobic!! the entire cultivation world is, yes, but he's the only one we see give wei ying and lan zhan active shit for it!!

point is...his complexity makes him interesting. as a child, he was pretty alright tbh. he was understandably upset when three of his dogs got taken away and he saw his dad give a completely random kid such a gentle hug when jiang cheng never received one so far. he was a kid, and it was sad and helped the readers get a glimpse at the already dysfunctional family dynamics before wei ying came into the picture. as an adolescent/teen, yes he had a lot of unresolved rage and inferiority issues building up when he was constantly being compared to wei wuxian by his mother and not given enough reassurance from his father (once again, all present before wei ying...everyone just likes to dump the shit on him bc it's easier to point fingers at others than at yourself). perhaps he could have turned out differently if literally either of his parents stepped up and took accountability. however, after the burning of lotus pier? after the golden core transfer? after wei ying stuck around as his subordinate just as he promised, and protected jiang cheng like he promised, and defected just to save the yunmeng clan's reputation so jiang cheng doesn't have to put up with the other clan's shit, still continuing to keep his promise? after wei ying's death? idk abt y'all, but all bets are off bro.

mxtx makes it a point to make him so irredeemable. he's an exploration of what can go wrong if you let your traumas, self-hatred, and revenge fantasies blind you. he has the worst traits of his parents for a reason, directly contrasting with the other sibling, who is a perfect picture of eldest daughters born into a dysfunctional family. jiang yanli has the best traits of her parents (in terms of compassion and standing up for her family), but the family dynamics also made her the way she was. the responsible, the mediator, the occasional mother, stepping in where madam yu cannot.

there's just so much potential to hold him accountable buried under the pretense of misunderstandings and kinnie moments. he just had so many chances, more than any other character, to make a different choice. to actually look past his misgivings and unlearn the bad habits he used to protect himself as a child. i'm not saying he has to magically heal from all his traumas, but at the very least know not to be like his parents. but he wasn't written that way. because that is what happens when you give into your insecurities and generational trauma.

bottom line: jiang cheng is a fantastic archetype that needs to be explored in all his authenticity, including his moments of loyalty and cruelty.

#jiang fengmian is literally yue qingyuan #embarassing af #as a mu qing apologist this was hard to write #but it needed to be said #jiang cheng choose an issue to cope with challenge #mission impossible #i'm not coming for anyone really i just needed to vent out everything bc he fr pissed me off in the novel haha #character study #jiang cheng #mdzs #mao dao zu shi #wei wuxian #wei ying #the untamed #the grandmaster of demonic cultivation #he just gives me a glutton for punishment vibes and i will not let him hide behind jc stans #the founder of diabolism #madam yu #jiang fengmian #jiang yanli #dysfunctional family relationships go brrr

[thegreymoon]

The Story of Minglan

LMFAOOOO

Show her who's the boss, Granny! She wants to fuck around with her shit sister, she can now also find out.

***

Yes, listen to your nanny, you shit-stirring evil-monger. She's not entirely stupid and sees you will lose.

You really should quit while you're ahead, live out your life in peace and enjoy your bajillion blood grandchildren from your worthless son and his endless string of concubines.

But you can't just do that because you're so greedy and bitter and would rather dig your own grave instead. Enjoy death, then!

***

LMAO, the arrogance!

Like his worthless, faithless ass deserves it. Like she had not prayed before she died not to meet him again.

If they do meet again, it will be so that she can extract all the wrongdoings in this life with his blood in the next. She will never love him again in any life.

***

And what good was his shitty love?

He sold her out, let her die in disgrace and ignominy, broken-hearted and betrayed, so that his shitty brothers could have more money to throw around and waste, and absolutely ruin other people's lives in the process. He loved her and he let her down so badly, it would be laughable if it was not so sad. And then he proceeded to take his self-loathing out on other people, including his own small child. He's disgraceful and each one of his wives deserves better in the next life, including the evil second Madam Qin.

***

Oh, she is definitely plotting her murder and thinks that now is the time, seeing as Gu Tingye is away.

And all that, for what? Her own son is beyond useless.

***

LOL, is she trying to curse herself?

If there is one thing I've learned reading Chinese web novels and watching c-dramas it's that you don't want to piss off the ghosts 😅😅 Things are, for once, not going her way and she's lost all her marbles.

***

Fantastic performance by this actress.

She's delightfully creepy and unhinged.

***

She's so, so deeply unhappy with how her life turned out.

She married at the top of the food chain but it was not enough because her husband was so worthless. Even as one of the most powerful, she was still so powerless in her own life and her agency was so limited. All she could do was scheme in the shadows. All this bitterness and bile is the result of her bitterness and discontent. Nothing she ever hoped for came to fruition.

***

OMG, the drama 🙄

She's so spoiled and ridiculous.

What do you mean Minglan and Granny Sheng won't just sit back and let her and her shitty sister ruin their lives? How uncharitable of them! Better throw a temper tantrum!

Poor Hualan, she is surrounded by imbeciles.

***

Oh, Hualan, you are talking in vain 🙄

Your mother is an imbecile and you certainly did not inherit your lovely common sense from her.

***

LMAO, could it be because you are one?

I cannot with these entitled people, demanding respect when they have done absolutely nothing to earn it.

***

Exactly, you worthless sack of shit!

Why didn't you know? Why didn't you stop it? Why didn't you stop it YEARS AGO? It's because you were too busy getting slaves and servants pregnant to care about your already living kids and the women whose lives you've already ruined. Fuck you.

***

LMAO, so useless.

There's no hurry, my dude! There are plenty of people still left in your household (and other households too) for her to murder!

***

I mean, not to be advocating for domestic violence here, but Jesus Christ, after everything she's done, this was richly deserved.

***

Listen, if she does, I will riot.

#the story of minglan #tsoml spoilers #tsoml ep60