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juulies · 3 years

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i’ve been fucking thinking non-stop abt the willex check please! au for like a week now (which is absolutely ridiculous considering i first read check please like last monday) so like, here’s some thinking i’ve done when i probably should’ve been doing homework or writing the three fics i have that are currently wip! what can u do? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (also if you haven’t read check please! you can find it here! its super fun and cute and one of my fav things I've ever read)

Alex Joyner (yes I’m using the actors’ last names bc the jatp writers HATE me and won’t give me actual last names) as the no-nonsense, technophobic, highly-anxious captain of the Samwell Men’s Hockey team that broods bc his brain won’t let him do anything else but gets ridiculously emotional over drumming and hockey strategy

William “Billie” Stewart as the frog recently recruited to SMH who got into hockey solely bc there’s aren’t cars on an ice rink like there are wherever he’s trying to rollerblade/skateboard. got into baking bc his friends in high school used to pay him to make edibles and it just blossomed from there, mostly into tray bakes over pies but he does just abt anything

Luke “Kush” Patterson as the absolutely ridiculous hype-man of the SMH who never properly wears clothes, majors in Gender Studies bc he drinks his respect women juice, and is addicted to kegsters bc it gives him the opportunity to loudly (and drunkenly) play his guitar/sing without anyone complaining abt the noise

Reggie “Eggsy” Shada as one half of the best d-men pair in collegiate hockey history, who’s chosen biology major and determination to graduate with a 4.0 has turned him into a delicate coral reef in terms of academia but CANNOT leave out of his friends’ love lives/the hot goss. Convinced his room in the Haus is haunted and tries to make friends with the ghost(s)

Julie “Juice” Molina as SMH’s team manager who takes no one’s shit and can finagle her way through delicate negotiations like nobody’s business. Double major in art and vocal performance and can kick everyone and their mother’s ass at beer pong, designs the team’s gear and is addicted to coffee from Annie’s, see figure skating rumor below

Flynn “Flynnigan” Marie as designated ??? for SMH. Not quite a second team manager bc she doesn’t do much more than yell at the boys and post shit on their twitter, but she share’s Julie’s room and is constantly at Faber with the guys. Majoring in marketing and advertising, in charge of DJing all kegsters, there’s a rumor that goes around after she skates with the team one day that she and julie used to train with some intimidating Russian figure skating coach and were going to go to the olympics but flynn was banned for yelling at an official

Carlos “Moltzer” Molina as the other half of the best d-men pairing in collegiate hockey history, Julie’s twin brother though julie popped out right before midnight and Carlos came 10 minutes later so they technically have different birthdays, addicted to ghost-hunting shows and possibly is the one behind all of reggie’s ghost encounters, uses his height to his advantage and will eat anything and everything willie makes

Nick is a lax bro

Dirty candy is on the soccer team!

Ok now that characters have been determined(ish) here’s some moments I desperately need (i’m using nicknames here just to get used to it)

Billie shows up to his first visit to the Haus with half a brownie left from his most recent batch. Kush, being the asshole that he is, declares frog tax and steals the rest of the brownie as they all go inside. Once he realizes how good it is, he demands Billie make some immediately and so he does. Whenever Kush sees billie again, he demands more baked goods. It becomes pretty routine.

Alex can’t talk to Billie bc he’s busy being broody and anxious over hockey and he thinks billie’s too damn cute for his own good and it’s throwing him off his game. however, once practices start and it becomes apparent that billie can’t handle being checked (got hit by a car skateboarding once and just, can’t do it) he—under the guise of “helping the team out”—starts giving him checking clinics in the mornings

No one on the team really realizes how anxious Alex can get (besides kush and eggsy (then billie)) bc he’s really good at the captain/team member talks and helping people out. Bc of this, he gets the rep of being a hockey robot

Billie sings kehlani and Rihanna in the shower rather than Beyonce and nicki. Alex is a closet Beyonce fan tho if you tell any of SMH he’ll kill u

That moment when julie comes back from her semester abroad and kush just jumps on top of her (basically all shitty/lardo moments but with julie/kush)

post graduation kiss, Alex is getting all anxious even tho he’s graduated and signed with the falconers and he really doesn’t have anything to be anxious over at the moment but he can’t stop thinking abt billie so he sprints to the Haus and finds billie laying on Alex’s stripped mattress listening to “honey” and just, kisses him. basically the same as the last comic from sophomore year

Rip to jatp!alex’s parents but I can’t do bob and Alicia Zimmerman dirty so like, tho Alex is closeted to the hockey world his parents are the most supportive people on the planet. Need that moment after center ice when they come up to Alex and billie after the kiss and Alex is just like “i kissed billie and its on tv” and they’re just like *sweats anxiously* also Joyner parents fawning over billie!!! Being so excited that Alex and billie are dating!!!!

Billie continues to have the weirdest fucking socks

Bc Charlie Gillespie is the Worst, the ass cam is focused on kush’s ass over alex’s. I mean, have u guys seen 1.09???

Eggsy and moltzer doing all the “hockey shit” comics together

Really I just need someone to draw the “FFFFFFUCK THE LAX TEAM” panel with Luke and Alex

#jatp #willie x alex #alex jatp #willie jatp #sdlkfjkj pls give me ur opinions #also I SUCK at nicknaming so like help on that front #reggie is eggsy partially bc it's a syllable from his name but mostly bc one time he dropped his breakfast burrito on the ice #and it was just eggs. nothing else just eggs #willie is billie bc I'm not creative AND the team put him in charge of music during warm up once and the first thing that came on was #'when the party's over' by billie eilish #Luke is kush bc one of my brother's friends named Luke went by kush and if Luke's gonna be shitty he's gotta have a funky nick name #nick is a lax bro solely bc I can't get Luke going fffffffuck the lax team out of my head and we all know abt jealous!Luke #that moment in junior year when chowder's like lardo why is there white people hair in our shower bc we're both dating white people #is flynn and julie who are dating carrie and Luke #ok I think I've gotten it all out #mine.txt

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advernia · 5 years

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i’m amazed that i’ve been active for at least a couple days straight??? is it the effect of lesser fe3h playtimes + the silly coworker writing challenge at the workplace??? oh well ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

since i remembered i was trying to make work commentary a thing here, more rambling / author’s notes under the cut!

jul 6th // ikerev

push your way through the cracks is the first edgar/mc i’ve written here and while i’ve mentioned there that edgar is my fav out of the cast, i fear that i’ll probably take me a very long time to write another one bc... he’s my favorite. i noticed i have the tendency not to write much (or have finished works) about ships i really, really like despite... you know, liking them. hopefully not - shipping aside, i like exploring the characterizations of enigmatic types like edgar.

about the fic, i pretty much like it save for the second part bc i think i could’ve done something more with it - not exactly change the setting, but expounded a little further on it. i don’t know, it feels lacking somehow in comparison to the first two.

there are a lot of flower-related descriptions tossed here and there, but i think i succeeded in not being so purple prose-y? hopefully! this was pretty descriptive, i guess.

with this edgar fic present, that means i have 2 more red army doods to write about, namely zero & jonah. i was really aiming to make edgar the last one tho haha.

jul 12th // ikerev

weave me into your web is canon based, specifically pt. 24 of sirius’ route where they say ‘goodbye’. note those quotation marks.

i think i wrote this after a discussion i had with a friend about sirius & his route - she read some posts commenting on the route and she wanted a nearby opinion. we got into an agreement: while we do find sirius to be indeed husbando material, his route would’ve risked nothing if they gave him more / emphasized his flaws. his flaws, not mc’s, gosh.

no, seriously. in my opinion, mc fretting so much about being immature sort of blinds her from the little things that prove sirius is not so composed as he appears to be. it gets even worse when she realizes she’s fallen in love with him, and while i enjoy the black army going kira-kira rabu support team + seth being hopeless suitor, i’m going 50/50 on mc. she’s written to be indeed very single-minded come the war phase and while that’s not necessarily bad since she gets to broaden her perspective as she always does, i think i would’ve appreciated it if she came to most of the realizations on her own by reflecting on them based on how the events around her are progressing; and not simply by sirius / someone else pointing it out for her. no wonder she’d think she’s immature in comparison - it also irks me a bit that she keeps on fretting about her feelings for sirius. this is what i’d be sad to see again in other routes: the romance overthrowing the potential / present character development.

side note: i understand that in relationships with a notable age gap, maturity / perceived maturity can be a problem - i just wished that the route downplayed on this bc honestly, there are other things more interesting to explore than that angle, like, say; isn’t she from another culture or world or something????????? will those differences affect our potential relationship??????????????

on sirius himself, i recall reading on reddit that one person didn’t pick up ikerev for the reason that the cast is too perfect. that’s a fair opinion. i think i can relate this to sirius himself: while throughout the route you do see some flaws in him, he’s still overall the dude you’d write home about + that dude you’d dream introducing to your parents complete with that suave voice (thank u junichi suwabe). no, i’m not saying that he has to have some unlikable or quirky trait / wangsty backstory, it’s just that in my opinion he’s desirable but not exactly relatable. let him struggle, let me see him rise up from it. show me his humanity. there’s the scene with him and lancelot, but i want more. tho him being afraid of being alone is what i find extremely relatable and endearing about him, very nice. otherwise... well, maybe i have to reread the route again or smth.

anyway. the fic emphasizes actually on his character trait of self-control / restraint. did u know too much is bad for u??? it can reflect that since you hold yourself back too much, it could mean that you’re masking your true feelings, for example. there are various psychological studies on that. *stares at sirius* hMMM.

i took care to be quite descriptive on that kiss scene and at the same time, not to be so emotional on it bc it’s still sirius lol - i believe he’s not one to lose himself completely to his emotions, but he’s not that afraid to succumb to some of it - especially if he actually wants to feel them.

... this turned out to be a rant portion rather than a fic commentary now didn’t it

aug 24 // ikerev (i’m seeing a pattern here)

a beginner’s guide to waltz was seriously just some formatting experiment, then it blew up to something larger. i actually like it tho, it’s cute.

writing oliver is actually fun, not bc of the reason that i can be rude. he is rude, but he’s not like that for just the sake of being so. as seen with blanc, it’s probably a result of habit. why exactly he chose to be verbally aggressive is something i’d like to know in his route.

i have no idea how the relationship shift is portrayed either, but i do hope it’s a mortifying revelation on mc’s part lol. like, lookie here, that little kid with his wee shorts and pretty hat that you hang out with all the time and don’t care about acting so ladylike around was that hot hunk who saved you before! oliver’s so amused and never letting her live it down.

for the line ‘i’m not interested in asking you about a decision you’ve made since you arrived here’: the decision mentioned is mc’s promise not to fall in love & to go home. i think oliver would be one of those routes where he falls for her but wants her to go home anyway, but the difference in his route is that he’s very adamant to make her leave. maybe thinking along the lines of ‘i don’t want you to end up like me’ or something. idk. idk what i’m trying to type at this point, lol.

just some random thought, but i do hope ikerev artist tcg someday draws mc in the game outfits / hairstyles bc she’s actually rly pretty. the description of mc’s outfits / fashion of part 4 of the fic was out of me just staring at the my closet portion of the game. don’t ask - i like the hc of oliver & mc having elegant wardrobes / fashion sense, and since i’m too lazy to check up 19th century london fashion trends...

sep 28 // collar x malice

haunted by something still alive was the result of me thinking about guns. don’t ask me either. maybe it’s also a result of me wanting to write something else that isn’t from my horrendous drafts folder lol.

these were actually nice drabble practices, and the first one i clearly had i mind was shiraishi’s. i honestly think it would be fitting, probably around the start of the route where they haven’t got to know each other so well.

from there on i tried to do the drabbles in the route order i did when i played the game, which was mineo - sasazuka - okazaki - shiraishi - yanagi. but tbh when i was writing it became shiraishi - mineo - yanagi - sasazuka - yanagi again - okazaki, lol. i rewrote yanagi’s and okazaki’s three times.

subtitles have their respective mathematical operations on it - i find it kind of cool and funny that those are their symbols (amnesia had the card suits), but when you do think of it properly, it does relate to their characters.

... never forget that hoshino ichika is canonically good with guns.

sep 28 // ikerev

in absence of glass slippers as stated was a part of one of my first ikerev drafts. still a draft until now, but the portion i posted is one of the ‘finished’ sections of the fic.

i don’t headcanon mc as a respectable lady from a equally respectable house or her being a well-off girl, but i like the concept of her being a self-taught lady of society aka she learned stuff like manners, dancing, and etc. out of curiosity or for more practical reasons like fitting in. 19th century london is still the victorian era, so social class and propriety was still a thing.

her taking off her shoes to practice dancing with ray is a sort of a challenge, actually... his measure of improvement will be based on the times that he steps on her feet / how many blisters her feet would gain by the end of the session, lolol - that’s why she says that stepping on a rock is the least of her problems. pretty hardcore, isn’t she?

thus the title actually - glass slippers (mary janes actually) are pretty delicate, but don’t you think a lady’s foot is much more delicate?

with ray’s fic up, i’ve officially written a piece for all of the black army men! nice.

sep 29 // ikerev

neither heaven or hell is holy shit, an mc-centered fic! hella rad - i was half thinking to classify it as a drabble, but since i decided that drabbles are pieces that i may get back on, i kept it as a full fic instead since i’m happy with how it turned out.

all of my screamings are in the tags, so i don’t have much to add besides that lol. however, the writing here is pretty different, and that’s because i was trying to do a three sentence fic challenge kind of thing. buuuuut it became three paragraphs with three lengthy sentences instead lol.

also, there’s some stuff highlighting mc’s london-er/english-ness. washing powder is the british term for laundry soap. 19th century roofs for royals were usually panels, and wooden beams for commoners. different as chalk and cheese is a british expression. i’m certainly not british but i just like emphasizing the fact that mc is of another culture/world, thus there should be differences in how she perceives things / her mannerisms & actions / her way of speech. i’ve been conscious of that in all of my fics involving her.

actually, i do make it a point to watch her way of speaking. i really like the polite way of speaking of 19th century britain (and also of today), so i try to integrate that despite the fact that i’m not british myself lol. it’s hard to fully convey it, but i try with hoping that it doesn’t seem too off. i should probably look for more references to practice it.

this was a very spontaneous piece with actually minor editing involved, and i’m pretty proud of how it turned out.

#rundown.txt #oh this is certainly longer than i intended it to be #oh well thank you to those who reads these ramblings of mine tho!

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suchabeautifulbrokensmile · 7 years

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To be honest I lost track of how many days I have been in treatment. I shouldn’t count as the number increases everyday I give myself anxiety bc why is it taking so long.. I yell at myself bc I should be better. Well we all know what Christine would say, that’s black and white thinking. And she would be right. Therefore I stopped counting. Recovery will take as much time as i need. I will take as much time as I need. Christine told me to write a letter to my mom and to my eating disorder, but as I started those I realize that I am so sick of thinking about what makes me sad. I decided to do a positive letter, an inspirational one.

To Krista and Christine, I hated every single thing about waking up in the mornings. The past twenty one years have been all about waking up and surviving the day. I have always strived to be nothing but perfect, even if it kills me in the inside. Since my grandma passed away, I have never, ever, had anyone believe in me as much as you both have. You both made me realize that life is worth it. Food shouldn’t control my every move and thought, and neither should anyone. No one should have that power but me. I am responsible for myself and my actions. A calorie is a calorie and food doesn’t make a person gain weight. Christine, Although I am horrible when it comes to positive reframing my thoughts you have not given up on me. Even when I’m extremely sassy and nasty you put up with me and tell me to come to your office and talk. You walk me step by step through everything. Before this program I never knew what real laughter meant. Because of you guys now I do. It’s good when people believe in me, and it’s even a better feeling when I can trust them. You guys put up with my dramatic rants, and listen to my constant complains. I would not be here typing this if it wasn’t for you guys. Everyone at the center has help me and I am oh so thankful, but Krista and Christine they are different. I hope when I finish my degree, I am as influential as they both are. I hope my clients trust me as much as I trust Krista and Christine. I'm usually don't like people. I am so selective with who I trust, but idk man. They have changed my perspective in life, and for that I am so grateful. I now do believe that breathing works, looking for colors work, acknowledging my feelings is healthy. Eating and keeping it down is healthy. Eating disorder symptoms are the reason I gained weight. They are the reason I am depress and unhealthy. The reason I had to put my education on hold. But I am glad I have chosen recovery, and I am glad to have met this clinical team. I feel like life is worth it. I have bad days, and that will probably always happen but now I do have coping skills to be able to get through the, and make it end. After all it is just a bad day not a bad life. Thank you. From the bottom of my dark heart thank you. BC will always have a special place in my heart, they have taught me that I am worth it. And that is the most important thing anyone could ever learn.

Now, I am not showing this to Christine so back to writing my negative letter to Mia, that stupid bitch is irritating my soul big time right now.

OHHHHH MARIE LET ME BUY THE KYLIE JENNER LIP KITS FROM THE VALENTINE COLLECTION right after dinner she opened the bathroom so I could get my phone and I did it. Omg I hate hugs but I wanted to hug her.

People think I’m spoiled. And yeah I have always been. But I would give it all up to have an emotional connection with my family. For them to understand me and for us to just be able to talk like normal human beings. But since that is impossible I will continue to spend money to numb all the pain. I would give everything up, my phone, Internet, my closet, my credit card LISTEN THATS MY LIFE, just to be able to hug my mom and cry on her shoulders. I just want to feel loved. But I wish it came naturally. But whatever. I am okay.

Looking forward to this weekend. I decided to go out with my friends, I need to be able to not drink but be around alcohol. I can do it.

#personal #recovery #bulimia.

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