#my sister had it so much worse

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

sits up in bed. so lana and ema definitely thought they were responsible for edgeworth "choosing death", right?

(the rest of this post was supposed to go in the tags, because it's not very well organised or written, but it got too long so. here are the slightly edited tags for your reading pleasure (or otherwise)):

i was going to make this solely about ema because she's the obvious one with her open adoration of edgeworth, but the thing about rfta is that it goes to great lengths to emphasise the connection between lana and edgeworth as well.

the sl-9 incident showed that lana grows attached to people deeply, hence angel starr's comment on how, when neil marshall died, 'she (lana) felt like her own brother had died.' with edgeworth, i think it was similar but worse. because he's not just a coworker or subordinate who's dear to her. he saved her life. and it cost him his own.

at the beginning of the case, edgeworth says he was mistaken for thinking that lana was always looking out for him post sl-9 (a statement interesting on its own because that's when everyone else says she grew distant), and, later on, he brings ema fingerprinting powder because lana asked him to. then, of course, there's the 'lady luck' comment he makes.

similarly, on lana's side, you obviously have the end of the trial when she says he did well, but there's also that additional moment post-trial where she's the only one to notice — in a group comprising her, ema, phoenix and gumshoe — that he's 'hiding', listening to their conversation. point is, there's enough to suggest that she might have been the nearest thing edgeworth had to a mia; his 'chief prosecutor' to phoenix's plain 'chief'. they're as close as two people can be in a relationship where one of them is constantly lying and the other is von karma's star pupil.

rfta is pretty straightforwardly depicted as the case which solidified edgeworth's resolve to do what he did; i don't think i have to prove that. rumours about him have reached new heights, his car and knife were involved in goodman's murder, he makes an unprecedented mistake in court by failing to connect the evidence room and carpark incidents, thus forcing the chief of police to enter the trial to do so himself, and he's publicly revealed to have relied on falsified evidence to secure a conviction in the sl-9 case, all of which only happened because of lana. jake marshall even claims that from the beginning — that if you trace edgeworth's rumours back to their source, you end up meeting one person: lana skye.

and it gets worse because at the end of rfta, she thinks he's fine!! she literally says, 'i was afraid the pressure would break you, but you rose above it,' and reminds him he's nothing like gant because he's not alone. she leaves the case thinking he will be okay. and then, what, like a week passes, and she finds out that he wasn't, and that he's gone, and it's her fault. even after she was freed from gant's control, even after she had finally stopped lying, she couldn't prevent herself from claiming another life. so much for 'lady luck', i suppose.

and the game reiterates this multiple times. gumshoe states at the start that edgeworth's ties to those higher up in the department have made him the subject of constant rumours, and phoenix says (in front of ema) that he shouldn't be held responsible for the forged evidence because that was all lana's doing, which then leads to edgeworth commenting (again in front of ema) that he feels as though 'something inside him has died.' it all goes back to lana. we can argue and say that it was technically gant's doing that caused all of this, but lana still took actions that led to it. even her complicated friendship with edgeworth isn't spared; it's that closeness between them that exacerbated those rumours. how could she not feel responsible in some way?

and with ema, it's rather obvious, isn't it? if she hadn't gone poking her nose into things, none of this would have happened or come to light. and, of course, she'd never choose anyone over her sister, not for anything in the world — it's simply not a question, but that's the problem, isn't it? it's not a question. it's not some hypothetical moral dilemma. it just is. she may not have killed neil marshall, but she still has one king of prosecutor's blood on her hands. and now she has to live with that. she just. has. to live with it. no matter if he chose otherwise.

moving on from that a little, i think it's actually wild how much of ema's journey to becoming a forensics investigator is paved with bad memories. neil marshall's death and her subsequent inability to testify are what drives her to begin pursuing it, her first proper investigation results in her idol's "death" and when she finally graduates, the person who saved her sister has been disbarred, and she can't even help because she isn't allowed to. all that pain and constant pursuit of her goals, and she's still the same ema skye, still that girl shrouded in darkness, always one step behind the truth, one step a little too late. no wonder she was angry in aa:aj. i would be furious.

#and then like a year later they find out edgeworth's fine and if that happened to me i think i would kill him fr #WKSHDKAHDKS #lana skye #ema skye #miles edgeworth #the skye sisters' relationship with one dramatic depressed prosecutor is something that can be so personal... #ive literally never thought this much about lana or ema ever. they never occupy my thoughts but somehow. #everyone else: man edgeworth's vanishing must have had a real impact on franziska and phoenix. me: what about these 2 side characters who #technically only appeared once in the whole trilogy. in a dlc. what about them. #it's actually so interesting how much lana is set up to be important to edgeworth. phoenix even says she reminds him of mia and when i #first read that i was like ??? bc of the scarf? there's more to mia than a scard phoenix. but then you pay attention to how she interacts #with edgeworth and it's like oh. i see it now. and then she disappears forever. #mind you i dont think she or ema were like. destroyed by the news of edgeworth's supposed passing. not in the way phoenix was anyway. #for better or worse both lana and ema are shown to have a tight hold over themselves emotionally speaking. lana keeps a lid on them for #years and ema is told she might have killed neil by accident and is functional after a brief faint and recess. like those women are strong. #but i do think it would have had a deep impact regardless of how well they were able to cope. like i've said i dont see how it wouldnt. #anyway this concludes my rfta moment. time to go back to being unable to say a thing about susato-san even though she occupies my every #waking moment. if you read all this ily <3 #it's also past midnight so if this is all a bit everywhere im sorry

[emblazons]

I would personally like to thank all the gen x and elder millennials who allowed me to be the “kid” in all of my favorite fandom spaces 15+ years ago because lord knows if I was anything like the youth in some of my newer fandoms I should have been blocked by at least 2/3 of my faves

#I think there was a whole other rule of law in fandom back when I was under 18 honestly #and honestly in my very early 20s too #because the idea of yelling at my faves for being creeps for talking to me about a video game #while encouraging me when I had a test or even giving me advice when I asked for it? #none of them talked to me about anything that I wouldn’t tell my kid sister EVER. and they reminded me to be safe too! they were great! #now tho…everyone is super suspicious of everyone while treating the internet like their diary and it’s insane #…I feel so sorry for the young ones. I really do LMAO #(grateful I was trained to both not give every single detail of my life and mental illnesses away online) #(while also not being paranoid that everyone over 18 was going to do something inappropriate) #(it’s reversed now and the youth are SO MUCH WORSE for it) #….I may have aggressively dated myself with this but LMFAO the people should know I am not that young by now #the me tag

[needylittlegirl]

theres a 99% chance we’re gonna move so i have to start packing little things now cause it makes the transition easier but i hate it i dont want to

#i know i sound like am immature little kid just pouting and stomping my foot #but i’ve had to move every two years since i was like 14 for so many different reasons #each place ive moved to just got increasingly worse so i think i have the right to pout like a 14 yr old girl #but its just dumb #if i start taking stuff down now itll make it easier to leave cause it wont feel like my space by then #its what ive always done #if i pack weeks ahead of time it just feels like im leaving a hotel or something #but right nows the hard part #im not even over my childhood home/s #i cant talk about those without crying and its been 20 years #i’d just like to stay in one place for awhile #we wont be going far cause me and my sister both have jobs right here but #its still different #im tired of seeing my stuff in boxes im tired of not feeling safe in my own space #it all just makes me so unstable cause i cant plant my roots anywhere #idk maybe its stupid #if everything goes according to plan #we’ll probably be moving a little after memorial day #and all i want to do is lock my door and refuse to let anyone do anything #im still just that little girl that was leaving her childhood bedroom and moving hours away #tbd #i didnt even get to skate today cause its raining #whatever im gonna get in bed and watch movies til i can go to sleep #if ive been bad at responding to msgs or not posting as much . this is why 👍 #any sort of change like this makes me isolate myself like crazyy

[clits-and-clips]

Going to sleep is so fkn hard I just want to call him and tell him I love him and ask for cuddles when will that stop

#waking up is worse i break down immediately #if i had a fucking friend i wouldnt need to keep going on and on about it in txt posts so im sorrrryyyyy if im annoying #but fuck it hurts so much #does he even miss me? #does he crave cuddles like me? #i just #ugh #we are different ive always hated sleepi g alone #like when i was really little up until i was maybe 15 i would go into my sisters room at night and sleep on the floor #in our old house i had a bed set up in her room #thats how often i went in there in the night #so im just #reaaalllllyyy struggling #he worked night shift up until last year and i was always waiting up for him till 4am #so now its like #really super hard #at least im waking up early enough to pass out at night #plus i do have some sleeping tablets if i need them #i just fucking want cudddlllesss #i want to trace his skin #i want to hold him #ffmmmllll #txt

[silenthillbunni]

🐁☁️🌫️

#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant #nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it #it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer #ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know #it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are #but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom #bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park #i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that #i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none #my sisters havent talked for me in over a year #and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w #nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao #i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots #i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol????? #im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay #and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like #when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!! #im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing? #other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing????? #and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things #i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))

[moregraceful]

Also I deleted the post bc it was a bad version of myself, but I'm gonna say it again, it is bananas to me that Taylor Swift only sang one song off of her self-titled album in the Eras tour movie. like girl you cannot hide from "Tim McGraw" and "Teardrops On My Guitar" even if you were just cosplaying Tennessee country like those songs put you on the goddamn map and this is how you repay them??

#the thing abt the eras tour movie is. it unlocked many opinions about taylor swift's music i didn't realize i had #''is fearless her greatest album'' i asked myself. ''all these songs are bangers i still know all the lyrics'' #no dummy you only know all the lyrics bc your 15yo sister put the house in 24/7 tswift lockdown every time she released an album #these songs are fun but more importantly your sister is 6in taller and an athlete so you didn't control the aux past the age of 17 #i haven't listened to a taylor swift album in full since 1989 was released (when my sister moved out)...some of her newer stuff is fun #don't blame me is pretty good. wish i had not been surrounded by middle schoolers the first time heard it. #but she's got some bangers. DON'T tell me anything about her personal life i don't wanna know and i don't care to learn #(my coworker: ''i forgot she swears so much on reputation and midnights 😭 oh well our kids probably see worse tiktok every day'' #me: 🫠🫠🫠) #also side note my 21yo coworker was like do you ever call our kids ''my kids'' around people and do people get really confused #i was like yes. people think they are my real kids and ask how old my kids are and i say high school and they get kinda worried #she was like yeah....my college classmates asked how old my kids are when i said i was taking my kids to the eras tour movie #and when i told them middle school they got really really alarmed and worried about me #nonprofit work lol. i'm stressed all the time about other people's children. i call them my kids. they all lowkey hate me. life this is it #fresno oilers.txt

[caffeinatedopossum]

Ok so apparently it's not normal that whenever someone goes to a restaurant and I'm with them, I expect them to get just themselves food and then we leave. Like if you get me food or ask if I want anything I will in fact look at you like you're a stranger who just walked up and offered me a 100 dollar bill

#what can i say im just used to getting nothing #both my parents and my older sisters would go to get food and basically never get me anything #if i did get anything it also wasnt 'what do you want' it was 'heres what im getting you youre welcome' #lol and i was okay with that? guys. guys am i supposed to raise my standards #is this like. am i not respecting myself enough #like this is me having gottwn much better too. i used to be even worse #if i went to your house and you let me sleep on something that wasnt the floor i would stare at yoy in shock #i was mentally incapable of comprehending that i could get whatever i wanted off of a menu #one time my friends mom actually yelled at me because she took me to dunk8n donuts and asked what i wanted #and i froze up so bad that i just couldnt say anything because i didnt know what she meant #i was like 'oh you dont need to get me anything' 😭😭 and she INSISTED she had to get me something #for context i mustve been like 9 and i had NEVER had anyone ask my what i wanted before #i also was so prepared to just skip breakfast due to the anxiety of this situation #turns out having kids skip breakfast is also not super normal? me and my sisters usually wouldnt eat breakfast #especially on sunday mornings before church because there was snacks there

[hella1975]

choked up in my room rn bc i was sat in the car with my mum completely lost in thought and she out of nowhere went 'are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah? why?' bc i was totally fine i was literally just thinking and she let it go and then five entire minutes later she goes 'are you sure? have i done something?' and she sounded so genuinely anxious and i could tell she'd been thinking about it the entire 5 minutes while id been completely oblivious and i spent so many years as a child letting everything bottle up until it all burst out in a messy and ugly breakdown that took her down with me and despite that she never hated me she only ever blamed herself for not seeing the signs and she's never been able to see my signs because i keep everything to myself and it terrifies her that she might miss something and she handles things poorly when she's scared and she gets too angry but fundamentally she's trying her absolute hardest to be a good mother and it wasn't always enough and i know i have to hold her at least partially accountable but also she's my mum and im her daughter and she always just wants to know if im okay and most of the time im not and somehow that feels like ive betrayed her

#like my mum is such a loud powerful force of a woman that these little moments of vulnerability where she's just HONEST with me #and she shows me that she's worried or scared or unsure instead of just constantly putting up a strong front #always always bowl me over #like ive literally said to her time and time again that i'd find it easier to communicate with her if she wasn't so strong all the time #like of course i hate crying and being emotional in front of you when youve made it v clear my whole life that you hate doing that #when it's you that's the one being emotional like that's not fair #but also being strong all the time is literally a survival thing she had no choice but to implement bc her own life was so hard #so how can i just ask her to lower those walls for me? even if keeping them up is to both our detriment? #and like ive talked on here before how she's openly admitted to me that she finds my temper harder to handle than my sister's #even tho mine is quieter and significantly less messy. but she's also said to me that in general she finds my sister easier to deal with #bc my sister's so open and if she's angry she yells if she's sad she cries if she's happy she talks ur ear off etc etc #i just insist on handling everything myself and the worse i feel the more i deal on my own and it TERRIFIES my mum #BECAUSE it's led to mistakes in the past but also just bc i have never ever doubted that she has so much love for me in her heart #like even when our relationship was at its worst it was never ever a lack of love and she just does genuinely care and worry about me #it's just if she's scared she just gets ANGRY and her angry means her hurting my feelings and my feelings being hurt means i shut down MORE #and it's literally the worst combo but we love each other so much that we're both clawing through it anyway it makes me want to cry #and because she's always so strong i FORGET that there's just a scared vulnerable person behind those walls #that has no idea what she's doing bc her own mum never taught her anything good #and my mum blames herself so completely for every bad thing like she says things like 'i feel like ive failed' and idk how to tell her #that she IS messy and incredibly flawed and she HAS done things that have hurt me beyond comprehension #and there are bad parts of my personality that exist because of her and her alone #but ive also done terrible things to her too like not even considering the fact our responses arent compatible and that hurts her #i also did some DUMB shit when i first started tackling ye olde mental illness that had a HUGELY negative impact on everyone around me #but she is still my favourite person in the world and my best friend and i love her and i know she loves me and i just want to hold her #girls when their mum isnt an all powerful being but instead a flawed human trying their best: SKJDGHKDJSHGJKSDHGJKSH #hella goes home

[sunberry-strawflower]

#curtissonweek2023

Well, guess who decided to participate in @blue-fanlady's curtisson week??

I stg this first day was sending me to hell and back😭😭I was almost considering not posting it but I might as well haha

It's a meeting in a dream type beat bcz I feel like we don't have enough of those

(Bit of a TW for derealization? They ask the other if they're real a few times so I'm just being safe)

Word count: 1.1k

Curtisson Week Day 1: First Meet

Sven found himself inside of a small, pretty garden. It was night time and the moon was out, high in the sky with stars twinkling above. Flowers of all kinds were surrounding him and a path made of cobblestone led its way to a nice wood bench. Sven looked around and saw all the different kinds of flowers as he walked down the pathway. Tall sunflowers that towered over him and small daisies and poppies he'd have to crouch down to see properly.

The garden was fairly quiet, nothing but the sound of his own footsteps and the night air. Once he got to the bench, he took a seat on it and looked around a bit more. This felt relaxing. Almost freeing. 

One thing he noticed while looking around was a wood shed, not too far away from the bench. It looked like it was fairly old, but it was still in decent shape as long as you were careful to not lean on anything and get a splinter. 

Another thing he noticed was that, outside of the gate leading to the garden and the fence surrounding it, it was just a black void. No lights, no trees, no grass, not even the night sky to be found out there. Just pitch black. It felt like this garden was the only thing present. He was the only person present here. 

He was so lost in his own thoughts, he didn't notice another person approach him and take a seat on the bench next to him. He instinctively turned into this person's direction and jumped a little bit. Guess he wasn't the only person here after all��� 

This person looked like a guy around his age, he had a tophat on with headphones that seemed to be an orange-ish sesame color ripping through it. 

Sven found himself staring at him in wonder. How did he get here? Is he even human? Is this some kind of figment of his imagination? 

The other turned to look in his direction. He seemed to have caught Sven staring. "Uhm…"

Sven jumped again and tried to stutter out something. "Oh! Uh, I wasn't..well, I didn't mean to uhh, stare. Sorry."

The other just shrugged. "It's fine."

Well, seems like the pretty atmosphere was a little ruined because all of Sven's thoughts shifted to the guy next to him. He had just about a million questions jogging through his head. 

Who is this guy? Is he a figment of his imagination? Can figments of your imagination talk? Is this a dream? Is he dreaming? Has he seen this person before? 

Sven started to wonder if he should talk to this person or not. He didn't want the silence to become awkward (or at least, more awkward than it's already become) and it feels like the longer he stays quiet, the more confused he feels. 

Sven glanced back at the person next to him and decided to ask him the question he's been wondering about the most. 

"Who are you?"

The other turned to look at him. "Hm? Oh, I'm Burt," he replied. "You are?"

"Sven." he answers, still looking at the other curiously. He was about to drop another question before Burt started to speak again. 

"Well, nice to meet you?" He said, awkwardly. 

"Why'd you end that like it was a question?" Sven asked. 

"I dunno. I'm confused, I guess."

Sven tilted his head. "About what?"

"You ask a lot of questions." Burt deadpanned. 

"Hey!" Sven looked almost offended. "I only asked three! I'm just trying to make an effort to understand what's going on here."

Burt shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry." 

Sven couldn't tell whether that apology was genuine or not, but he decided not to question it this time and sighed. 

They both sat in a silence that was a little less awkward than before. Still though, Sven couldn't help but continue to wonder about this Burt guy. 

Sven leaned closer to the other and started to lightly poke his arm. 'My finger isn't going through him.' 

He poked a little more before Burt glanced at him and raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing?" 

Sven looked up at him. "Are you real?" He asked suddenly. 

Burt seemed a little confused by the question. "Are you?"

"What kind of question is that?? Of course I am."

"Really?" Burt wondered and started to poke Sven teasingly.

Sven pushed his hand away. "Hey, stop! Yes I am."

Burt obliged and stopped with the poking, leaving them sitting in silence once more. 

"I guess I'm not dreaming then?" Burt mumbled to himself. 

Sven heard it and tilted his head. "Dreaming? You?"

Burt nodded. "It feels like I'm dreaming, but since we can touch each other, maybe I'm not."

Sven hummed. "I can touch things in my dreams, though. Wasn't it pinching that woke you up not poking?"

"Hm…maybe it was. I can't remember."

Sven started to think about what Burt said. Dreaming…well that explains the dreamy setting and the random dude he doesn't know at all yet looks familiar. He does feel a bit like he's dreaming. 

"Now I'm tempted to pinch myself." Sven said. "I feel like I'm dreaming too."

Burt glanced at Sven. "Do you think we're sharing dreams?"

Sven shook his head. "No way! I'm convinced you're a figment of my imagination."

"Well I feel the same about you then." Burt said. 

"Fine." Sven crossed his arms and looked outside of the garden. Silence befall them for a few minutes more. 

"What if we pinched ourselves at the same time?" Burt suggested. 

"Then we'd both wake up at the same time?" Sven questioned. 

Burt nodded. 

Sven was quiet for a few seconds. 

"Alright, fine."

Burt nodded and held two fingers over his arm, hovering over his skin ever so slightly. Sven did the same. 

"Alright, on the count of three." Burt said. 

"One." Burt initiated the countdown. 

"Two." He continued

"Wait!" Sven interrupted him. 

"What?" Burt glanced up at Sven. 

"On three or after?"

Burt hummed in thought. "After."

Sven nodded. "Alright, sorry. Let's restart."

Burt nodded back in response. 

"One."

"Two."

"Three."

Sven pinched his skin and everything went black. 

---------

Sven's eyelids fluttered open, the sun blinding him for a second. Once he adjusted his eyes to the light, he sat up. He was still in his bed, under the covers and in his pajamas. Once his mind woke up a little more, he started to recall the dream he just had. 

He was in a garden…and it was dark out. It was quiet and nice, save for one thing. What was it? A person? Some guy and…was it a tophat he had on or headphones? 

The dream was fairly vivid for someone who doesn't usually remember their dreams well. That was probably the most he's ever remembered from a dream.

He felt a small but noticeable stinging type pain in his left arm. He instinctively moved his hand over to rub over it, hoping to soothe the pain a little. 

What was that about? 

#this first day was so hard for me to write for #bcz I kept changing the ideas last minute there are literally so many scrapped drafts for this day #hopefully all the days won't be like this😭 #I finally had the final idea of meeting in a dream and I started writing this #this went through a lot tho cause I removed a lot of parts and cut down others bcz this was actually meant to be a lot longer #(about 5k words) #but I slowly came to the realization that I simply wouldn't have been able to write that much in time #as I started writing a few hours before midnight on the 31st #plus I had to decorate for my sisters birthday (happy birthday btw!) #so I hope that explains why...yknow it came out the way it did #it could've come out worse tho #hope you enjoyed reading anyway! #also sorry if the format is a little messed up I have never posted fics on tumblr before #the henry stickmin collection #thsc #curtisson #sven svensson #burt curtis #do I tag for curtisson week #curtissonweek2023 #cross posted on ao3 #💬 #henry stickmin collection

[obstinatecondolement]

My sister was saying "You should write that idea for a novel about [REDACTED] that you had a while ago for NaNo. I think that could be really fun" and I was like oh yeah! I remember we got a kick out of that one. And then, after a pause, had be like... could you remind me what the plot was again? Because litearlly all I could remember was that it had been funny At The Time and involved [REDACTED].

It was like when my mum reads a book and strongly recommends it to me the day after she finishes it, but can't remember any of the characters names or what happened, but it was definitely very good and I should read it so we can talk about it!

Except this was a story I made up myself and devoted not an insignificant amount of thought to, and then never committed any of what I came up with to the page because it was still early stages and I would "remember" what my initial ideas were 🙄

#fortunately my sister did remember enough that it kickstarted my brain and I remembered #but jesus christ... #how many perfectly good ideas have I squandered because I didn't think I would forget about them? #it's one thing not ever writing stuff I had ideas for because of y'know *gestures towards my general inability to follow through on things* #but actually forgetting ideas entirely feels much worse #I miss having an eidetic memory :( #but also I kind of wish I'd never had it because I never developed the habit of writing things down to remember them #until WELL into adulthood #because I'd ever needed to for most of my life #I just remembered every single word I had ever read or heard and almost every idea I'd given more than passing thought to in perfect detail #as a child I'd get so angry about people getting single words of quotations wrong or misremembering minute details of conversations we'd ha #because I *did not understand* that they weren't just being sloppy and inexact #and that they really couldn't remember things the same way I could #I really did not understand that other people experienced the world differently to me at that age #when they contradicted what I believed to be universal truths I thought they were trying to upset me or make me feel bad about myself #like when my friend agreed with my parents that apple juice was nicer than orange juice (when no one could *really* believe that) #I fully felt that as a betrayal #and thought she was implicitly co-signing my parents to hurt me #and that the subtext of the criticism was that I was evil and self indulgent for not resisting the wicked temptations of orange juice #and never even trying to be virtuous and subject myself to apple juice #which was obviously not as nice but was the more moral and 'healthy' (which was the same things as moral) choice #oh christ this has gotten away from me... #I hate being triggered by dumb bullshit that brings me back to weird esoteric traumas from my youth #can I please stop being triggered by such embarrassingly trivial bullshit for five minutes???

[bootyful-seventeen]

hey y'all, anyone have any good stress relief tehniques or habits they'd like to share cuz I've been more stressed in the last 3 weeks then I was in the last 6 months

#to cut the long story short my mom had to sell the old house cuz her broke ass couldnt afford to keep it up #eventho it is a whole ass hoarders house and was in shambles with a flooded basement a collapsing ceiling in at least 2 rooms plus mold #and the stench a dirt and dog piss and shit all over the floor really made it worse then it was #but yeah so shes been staying with me and my grandma and its been awful #she hasnt been taking any of the medicine the doctors gave her when she snapped and started a fight and also started screaming at neighbour #so shes been terrorizing us here while the house has become her second hoarders den since she dragged so much crap here #my backyard side entrance and front porch are full of her shit and my grandma hates it since she can barely step into the house #so since she kept looking for places way out of her budget i had to go do house hunting since my useless sister is busy getting lit again #so ive been showing her shit in her price range that was under 420k cuz im not a moron who looks at 800k homes when i have 570k #and each time she has a new complaint saying its too expenive or its too small or its too old when she said she wants to do renovations #but shes saying she wants to renovate a newly renovated place instead of an old one #so i just showed her a house near my sisters uni and she liked the inside & backyard but she complained that 400k for newly renovated 3 bed #that is literally a 9 minute drive from my sisters uni is too expensive when shes the one who was looking at an old ass unrenovated bungalo #that is a street over from us that is 800k and she says it looks like garbage cuz an old lady previously owned it before dying #like no shit it looks old cuz older people lived those decades and like it and she just keeps doing her bullshit again & again #cuz when i tell you her mind is gone i mean it is GONE and she starts up all these wild stories to just explain some shit #like something goes missing? the neighbours are hungarian and stole it and left the hoard of junk in her old house #she has more stupid stories to harass and stress us out with but if im gonna share that ill have to write a book about it cuz fuck #and you know its bad when no one else can stand being in any contact with her cuz she starts screaming at people about it #so the only one who even likes her anymore is my sister and thats cuz shes deep in denial about just how insane she is & how abusive she is #so yeah i need some stress relief help that maybe isnt constantly hitting up maryjane cuz i dont do weed often especially since shes here #cuz weed 'burns your brain & makes you crazy like this' when shes the only one whos ever infuriated me to astronimical levels #i know retail therapy helped before she came here but i dont want to keep spending money i dont really have #it would be great tho but shes refusing to give me the 70k she said was mine from the house sale so i can cut her out for good

[br1ghtestlight]

watching these tv shows about serial killers has me thinking about how my younger brother was only like 10% bad choices away from being an Actual murderer. he's calmed down a lot now but even 5 years ago i wouldnt have put it past him to try and kill me or my sister, he used to try to stab us with a kitchen knife and we'd lock ourselves in the bathroom FJDMDMDKDSMJ

#there is...... so much context to our lives and his behaviour #he always had a horrible temper anger issues and violence ever since he was a literal toddler #he got in trouble at school for a thousand different reasons and would try to fight kids in the neighborhood. he was HORRIBLE #and im sure our parents enabled him or made him worse in a thousand different ways #he loved my older sister but ALWAYS hated me and my younger sister bcuz we were closer in age #he was horrible to us. which is weird to say bcuz he's like 4 years younger than me but duuude the shit he used to say and do #also he was an anti-sjw transphobic nazi for like a good few years #THAT BEING SAID he is my brother and he's better now and a lot more chill & doesnt do anything bad anymore #just plays video games and posts pro-palestine stuff on twitter. probably a good thing he was removed from the home when he was #also i was a pretty terrible kid too maybe less outwardly violent but i cant even blame him lmao. Anyway its weird to think #if our lives had turned out slightly different he would have murdered me and my sister when we were kids #family is weird #txt

[silenthillbunni]

📖🖊❄️

#journal dump bc i have too much on my mind #1) i HATE my neighbors. theres never one quiet moment. they stomp around and slam cabinets all the time it feels like #2) ​i've been reading more recently even if concentration's hard bc of noise. but i also feel like there r too many books i wanna read #but yeah. too little time. so instead i cant settle on a book and kinda dont even read as much as i want to. a stupid problem really #3) it's crazy to say but i wish i had a part time job. sitting at home 24/7 for 5/6 years has been SO terrible for me. #everything feels meaningless. every day is the exact same. im not LIVING. im rotting away and all my issues get worse. im also so fkn bored #and i dont wanna sit at home and do assignments (even if thats what i technically should be doing) #i want a job to go to which takes me away from home + gives me money #then i can come home and sit and rot and ENJOY it. bc now my lazy time is only smth negative and bad for me :/ #ofc i hate the mere thought of having some soul sucking utterly pointless job and our capitalist society is a slave hellhole. but.. as it is #im not even able to enjoy ANY of my time bc all my time feels bad. plus im only getting poorer and poorer so i cant afford to buy anything #4) im so fkn bored and going crazy from eating the exact same food every single day for the third month now. im sick of it #everything tastes so bland and disgusting. it's genuinely making me depressed 😭 i wanna eat REAL food. im so tired bc no nutrition :(( #i cant do anything except wait for my appt w the doctor next week and hope they put me on a waiting list for surgery.. but ong im sick of it #5) i miss my sisters :/ we live in the same apartment but its like i've completely ceased to exist to them #except when they need to be passive aggressive to me. lol. i miss them. but they just dont wanna talk to me :/ #but tbh. most of all... i just want my health issue to be over so my body can function normally again. #i can face anything in life if i can come home to a cup of coffee nd some chocolate ^-^ <333

[rosicheeks]

Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..

I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.

I was texting my sister today about it and she said

“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”

I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences

#I relate to all of this so much #and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma #I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine #it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian #honestly at this point I have no clue what i am #even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma #but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents #growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold #cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them #but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there #their perfect angel fell from heaven #and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything #it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith #it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally #the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church #when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with #wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was #YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away #and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone) #but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life #but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it #which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to #^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop #sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma #yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse #sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 #and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past #please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best #it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family #I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help