#nepotism saved alfie's soul

[zero-insignificance]

DND recap: Everything's Fine

cast includes:

Rose the DM, Alfie (yours truly), Patrick, Truk (new player), Rayna (new player)

We open up back where we began in Equestria.

"Hello there-" and Alfie jumps and swings the cast iron pan he has in his hand like a baseball bat. It collides with Bob's forearm breaking the bones.

Alfie: HOLY SHIT I AM SO SORRY ARE YOU OKAY? Bob: *grimacing in pain* I'll be fine eventually. Uh tata! Alfie: GET BACK HERE. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.

Bob sits down and Alfie gingerly rolls up his sleeve. "Yeah, those are definitely broken. I'm going to have to reset the bones and wrap them. It's going to hurt." and that's just what Alfie does. It hurts a lot and Bob does his best to contain his noises of pain. "Don't mind the broken ribs." Alfie freezes and slowly turns to look at Bob. "What did you say?" Bob, realizing he done messed up goes to leave but Alfie makes him stay. "Explain." "You know your large friend? He trampled over me." "Do you realize how reckless that is, running around with those injuries? You could've exasperated them! You could've punctured a lung!" "Health insurance is so expensive. It costs so much money to get this treated." Alfie groans. "If only Houdini were still alive. She would've taken care of that." and he finishes wrapping up Bob's arm and lets the cast set. "Alright that should heal up good. Take it easy, okay?" and he helps Bob stand up and reaches into his package of patterned patches (it's a box of fun bandages) and places one on Bob healing 6 points of childhood trauma. Bob sniffles and mutters under his breath "Discord was not a good dad." and Alfie sees this and leans forward and gives Bob a gentle hug.

"What is this? What are you doing?" "Something your father clearly never gave you. A hug."

Bob isn't quite sure what to do. The Fey part of his brain is screaming at him. He wants to say thank you, but he can't. He can't owe Alfie a debt. "You don't have to say the forbidden words. A pat on the head would work." This snaps Bob back to reality and he gives Alfie a little pat on the head. Then Bob vanishes and reappears with an 8-foot-tall fox lady. "Since your compatriots keep dying or leaving here's a new friend for you." and just drops the fox lady in Alfie's arms. Alfie doesn't even flinch.

Patrick: who are you? Alfie: he's my patron. He also owns your memories. Patrick: Wait, isn't he related to Discord? Alfie: yeah, Discord birthed him like a sea horse. Patrick: Do you have a mom? Bob: yes I do *pulls out a photo of Betty White* This is my mother.

Alfie and Patrick see her form for what it is. An amorphous blob with many many eyes.

The hair on Bob's neck stands up "he's coming" and he throws a smoke bomb down and runs into the Everfree forest.

From the heavens a bright and radiant light shines down upon us. a brick descends with a half orc.

"You guys are babysitting my kid. Have a good day sweetie."

And then the brick vanishes leaving the half orc with us.

Alfie still has Rayna the 8-foot-tall fox lady in his arms and immediately shouts "DISCORD DISCORD DISCORD."

Discord: Yes? What is it? Alfie: Uh a brick just dropped of this guy off for us to babysit. Are we getting paid or...? Discord: Oh, Brick did that? He'll definitely pay you well. Alfie: What is Brick? Discord: Brick is a god who kind of keeps other gods in check. Alfie: Huh. They should probably check on that changeling guy that killed me. He needs to be knocked down a peg.

Rose the DM: your bag of holding feels a bit heavier. Alfie sets down Rayna, opens his bag of holding and sees a brick at the top with a note on it. "It will be done." A single tear rolls down Alfie's face and his voice cracks as he says "thank you." Alfie asks Hank about what Rum Rums are because we need those for the portal spell to escape the fey wilds.

Bob reappears and says we should probably get going but Alfie has to talk to Twilight for research reasons. We have 3 hours.

We split up. Truk hears someone complain about the bricks in their house. Alfie goes off to talk to Twilight. Patrick gets lost. Rayna wanders into town. Alfie: Hi Twilight! Twilight: I'm sorry do I know you? Alfie: That's a complicated question, so let's just start off with hi I'm Alfie and I'm from a different world. Twilight: You're from a different world? Alfie: Yeah, I'm from a different universe too. There are different universes, but you already know about the human world. Twilight: *starts hyperventilating from excitement* Alfie: Twilight. *places hands on the sides of Twilight's face* breathe in and breathe out. Twilight: *nods her head* Alfie: I have and excellent research opportunity for you.

Rayna comes across Rarity who recruits her as a model.

Cut to Truk and a bystander pony. Truk: were you talking shit about my father? Bystander pony: no uh who is your father? Truk: Brick. Bystander pony: *of fuck face* I would never- Patrick: *ambles up to Truk* we should probably find the others. Truk: *glares at background pony and leaves with Patrick*

Patrick and Truk find Alfie and Twilight and Twilight tells Alfie that his friend is scaring the residents of Ponyville.

Cut back to Rarity and Rayna and Rarity has crafted this gorgeous dress:

"That will be 2000 bits" like she didn't just grab Rayna off the street for "exposure" and as Alfie is talking to Twilight about the whole time rewind thing and Will Smith stepping in to fix everything (Will Smith does not follow Beetlejuice rules) Alfie senses that someone is going against their element of harmony.

He appears in the second-floor window of the Carousel Boutique and says "t̴̢̒h̸͇̾a̶̲̔t̴͔̓ ̷̝͘ǐ̶͓s̸̼̿n̴̹̉'̸̢͆t̴̙͛ ̸́ͅv̶̛͈è̶͕r̶̬͛y̴̬̽ ̷̟̄g̶̪̓ę̸̿n̶̼͒e̶̡̍r̷̞͝o̶͍̎ṵ̸͑s̸͖̅." and Rayna keeps the dress free of charge. Alfie gives Twilight a magical pen pal book with so many protective spells on it.

Patrick checks out the book It from the library. It has the "icky pages" torn out.

We go to leave Equestria because the portal is closing, and Twilight begs us to take her with us and Alfie says "Twilight. I know you want to learn everything about the other worlds, but I know where your timeline leads. You are needed here. I will take you there some day. Just not today. We'll keep in touch." And we head through the portal and back into the museum.

Patrick draws a mustache on a minor illusion of Hank the orb (we stole Hank from this museum) because Patrick hates Hank. The feeling is mutual.

Dr Dakota Jones (brother of Indiana Jones) asks what the heck is happening over there and why is a mustache on Hank. Patrick says that he was like that when we came here. Dakota Jones believes him.

We head outside and it is night time.

Alfie: I don't know about you guys but I'm hungry. Are you guys hungry? Patrick: *pulls out a t-bone steak* you want this? Bob: *appears out of nowhere* AHH! Why do you have that? Paul the Pink Buffalo: *starts chewing on Bob's robes* Alfie: Uhhhh Bob: *shaking in fear* He's behind me isn't he? Alfie: *stares at Bob and nods* Bob: *slowly turns around and then faints* Patrick and Rayna's players: We loot his body Rose: Patrick you find his stash of baja blast. Patrick: this is useless *tosses the baja blast to the side* Patrick's player: I keep looking for my memories. Rose: Rayna, you find one of Patrick's memories. It looks like a marble. Patrick: PLEASE CAN I HAVE IT. Me: I check to see if he's alive. Rose: He's alive. Rayna: What are you willing to part with? Patrick: You can have this steak? Rayna: Deal. Rose: Patrick the memory you get is your first time having ice cream. You can see your parents in this memory. Alfie: *picks up Bob's unconscious body bridal style* what do we name the buffalo? Patrick: Paul. Alfie: Paul the Pink Buffalo. Let's get Bob to his house. Me: I scan the town for a house that probably has a Baja Blast dispenser in it. Rose: You see a large fancy purple house with a neon pink sign that says "Bob's Place" on it. Me: we go to Bob's Place. Rose: you open the door, and the house is covered with Mountain Dew paraphernalia. The couch looks like a can of mountain dew. Alfie: I knew his favorite color wasn't green. Me: there's a bottle of code red with a knife in it. Reina's Player: I steal all of the mountain dew stuff and replace it with Pepsi stuff. Rose: Because you are new, I will ask you this once. Are you sure? Rayna's player: I put all of the mountain dew stuff in a neighbor's house to put the blame on them. Rose: Ok. Uh Alfie you make it to Bob's bedroom, and it is very lavish and luxurious. The sheets are Mountain Dew branded. Me: I tuck him in, give him a pat on the head and leave a bottle of Baja Blast on the nightstand. We leave the house and Patrick wants us to go looking for Rum Rum's now. Alfie would like to go to bed. Patrick tries to leave Finkleberg but a fae bear named Björn blocks his path.

Björn: I'm afraid I can't let you pass. Curfew forbids it. Patrick: What's a curfew. Alfie: I've never had a curfew before. My dads didn't see the point. Björn: I would recommend going to the Inn. Patrick: *climbs onto the roof of Bob's house and sets up his bed roll*

Alfie pulls out a bottle of mead and pops the top off with his teeth and says "Fuck it I'm sleeping good tonight." and starts chugging it. He pauses and asks Rayna if she wants to join him and she says yes so Alfie hands her a separate bottle of mead. Alfie finishes the first bottle of mead and feels nothing. Makes sense considering what he is and because of that he has a high alcohol tolerance so he downs a second bottle of mead. From the napsack out of Marks inventory comes a bottle of wyvern whiskey.

Alfie: Truk do you want any? Rose: You feel a rock hit the back of your head. Brick from the heavens: He's a minor. Truk: I'm 16. Rose: that makes you an adult according to half orc standards. Alfie: That's fine. More for us. Björn: Are you guys just going to stay out here? I don't want to fine you for public intoxication. Alfie: *still isn't feeling anything so he downs a glass of wyvern whiskey* don't worry we're heading to the Inn.

Alfie winds up being the tiniest bit tipsy thanks to the wyvern whiskey.

We get two rooms at the inn, one for Truk who wanted to sleep alone, and Rayna and I share the other. 4 copper pieces for the rooms.

We all get ready for bed and one by one we fall asleep and dream.

Truk is in a white void, face to face with Brick, his adoptive parent. Screams of pain are heard in the background. Ascian the Changeling is being molly whopped by Brick. Brick: How is everyone treating you? Truk: Good. I don't know much about them yet. Brick: Very good. Don't go off killing people in my name. Truk: No. Rose: You go back to dreaming about what you'd normally dream of. Truk's player: That would be killing people with Brick. Rayna dreams of sailing across the seas. Patrick dreams of fabricated memories.

And then we get to Alfie's dream.

Alfie comes to in a black void and sees a chilled-out surfer bro.

Alfie: Who are you? Surfer bro: I'm your great grandfather, Azathoth. Alfie: Wait I still have living relatives? Azathoth: More or less. I'm an eldritch being. Alfie: Wait so I don't just have draconic blood, but I have eldritch blood too? Azathoth: That would be correct. What have you been up to? Alfie: A lot of things. I'm in a pact with this fey dude named Bob. Azathoth's face darkness.

what did you say?

Alfie: Bob. The Baron D'Avariss. Azathoth reaches across the dreamscape and pulls Bob into this dream.

Alfie: Oh god he's dead. Bob: Nugget? What's happening? Alfie: You're in my dream, and my great grandpa is here. Bob: Who are you talking about- Oh! Hi boss! Alfie: oh no you're so dead.

Care to explain why you entered a pact with my grandson?

Bob: i promise i had a good reason.

I'm waiting.

Bob: so, i was chilling in Finkelberg and I felt a disturbance of foreign magics, so I went to investigate it and I found a little chicken guy and a Goliath and a human fighting a false hydra. I sensed that the fight wasn't going well so I struck a deal.

Why the chicken?

Bob: promise you won't be mad?

I make no promises but i will endeavor to be patient.

Bob looks incredibly nervous before blurting out "BECAUSE HE REAKS OF FORIEGN MAGIC AND I WANTED TO DISECT HIM!" and then he covers his mouth and trembles at Azathoth's rage.

"Please don't kill him!"

I won't. Now Bob if you don't release my grandson's soul I will slowly and agonizingly dissect and rip apart every atom of your being.

Bob in the waking world shits himself and wets the bed.

Bob shudders before weakly sputtering out an okay,

Azathoth's voice returns to his casual surfer bro "Now Bob if you set a finger on a single feather on Alfie's head, I will shuffle the positions and functions of every orifice on your body."

Bob nods his head.

"This means I'm going to have more magic I'll need to learn to control."

"Don't worry about that, we're making some amenities to the pact. You'll enter a pact with me until you learn to control these powers. I can promise you that I have much less nefarious reasons to keep you around."

"Will I still be able to read the book?"

"Oh Alfie, you always could. You just needed to unlock it first."

"I look forward to getting to know you."

"So do I little man. So do I."

"Is Bob going to be okay?"

"He'll be fine. He isn't actually an all-powerful arch fae. His favorite color isn't even green. I make him say that coz it's funny."

Alfie laughs at that. It is funny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alfie wakes up in the Inn and the first thing he says is "I'M AN ELDRITCH BEING?!" This startles Rayna awake "wha- what happened?"

"I'm an eldritch being."

Across the town we hear a high-pitched scream and a booming "WHAT THE FUCK."

Bob's house shakes and Patrick falls to the ground taking two points of bludgeoning damage.

Bob storms out and sees that all of his mountain dew stuff is at his neighbor's house, summons an orb of chaos magic and chucks it at his neighbor's house turning it into hot dogs. The neighbor is incredibly confused as they are now surrounded by hot dogs and Mountain Dew merchandise.

Alfie and Rayna are watching this from the window. We have a good laugh and get ready for breakfast

This time there are strawberry jam donuts for Alfie. Alfie did not get any yesterday even though he had been promised them. Alfie did not eat anything yesterday. We are all directed to the non-fey food section.

Alfie feels more whole than he has in a long time. There are so many foods there from pastas to vegetables, sweets and savories.

People of the fey wilds are vegetarian and also don't eat pasta. Apparently, they have beef with the Italians. Alfie is 80% vegetarian most of the time, so he has plenty of options.

Patrick shows up and starts partaking in so much pasta along with Truk as he has forgotten he does not like pasta. Alfie has a bowl of stir-fried vegetables and zucchini noodles and is a very happy camper.

Bob opens the door to the tavern and looks very shaken up about what had happened in the dream realm. "Alfie, hi uh I have something for you." Alfie has a mouth full of noodles and goes "hm?" From his cloak Bob pulls out a wispy orb of pure light that shifts through every single color of the rainbow. Alfie knows what it is when he sees it. It's his soul. He walks up to Bob and gently takes the orb from his hands and places it back in his chest. It feels strange but good. And because he feels a bit bad about what happened to Bob (Alfie can smell it on him) he gives Bob a name of someone from his old world, a prince and tells him that if he heals his sister A'Loki will be in his debt.

Bob slipped up and said "thank you." Bob owes Alfie a debt.

And Bob leaves.

At one point the Inn keeper says thank you to Patrick who is a changeling of the fey wilds. Alfie points this out and she says that it's fine cuz Patrick doesn't remember how to use his fey powers. Patrick: What did you say? Inn keeper: I didn't say anything. Alfie: Yeah, she didn't say anything. Patrick: I don't even remember who I am. Inn keeper: You are Prince *insert princely name here* *winks at Alfie* Alfie: *winks back*

Rayna is going around looking at the decor and sees a placard on the wall. "Pasta eating champion, ate 19 pounds of pasta" and it has a picture of Bob on it, and he is an orb. Spherical. Round. Rotund.

Naturally Patrick thinks "I'm going to break that record." and so did Truk.

Patrick shovels down 5 lbs. of pasta and collapses. Alfie looks around and notices that one of the legs on the table is wobbly, so he takes care of that. Truk shovels down 13 lbs. of pasta and collapses. Patrick is not giving up and manages to shovel down 17 more lbs. of pasta.

Rayna stops to talk with the Inn keeper who is currently working at the bar. She is a tiefling with pinkish red skin, cloven hooves, a tail and her hair pulled up into a bun with bangs and two strands of hair framing her face.

Brick materializes and sees his son in a food coma on the floor and is just like "What in the fuck happened?"

Patrick wheezes out "food coma."

Brick floats over to Alfie who is currently in the corner fashioning some new legs for some stools that were missing a leg or two. "You have done a sufficient job of caring for my child. Here is your payment" and just gives Alfie a chest with 5000 gp.

"Wait! Did you know what I was? What I am?" "Yes." "Cuz I just found out last night." "Oh, Azzie finally worked up the courage to talk to you? He's been trying to do that for months. Years even. It just never seemed like the right time."

At the bar Rayna decides to gamble with a game of Liars Dice. Rayna: If I win I get you. Inn Keeper: Why do you want me? Rayna: If I win you'll find out. Me: your hand in marriage. Inn keeper: Well, if I win I want the chicken. He's been doing so many repairs around the Tavern, and I'd like to keep him around. Alfie: *looks up from the stool he's working on* That's a bad idea. My grandpa is Azathoth. Inn keeper: Oh, um never mind then. If I win, I want the dragon. *gestures to Rayna's familiar* Patrick: can I play? Rayna's player: What does she want from you? Me: She wants the twink. Rose: She wants the twink. Inn Keeper: One player at a time- are you okay? Alfie: *hanging upside down from the chandelier* Who is doing the maintenance in this building? This chandelier is probably going to fall down in a few months. *starts fixing the base of the chandelier* Rayna: Alright, let's play.

Alfie notices a familiar face enter the tavern: Fluffy Scruffington, Catfolk bard who left the party to start their own medicinal cat nip store and has been collecting variants that can only be found in the fey wilds. So naturally they start talking at a table in the corner and they start flirting. While the focus is on the game of Liar's Dice between Rayna and the Inn keeper, Alfie and Fluffy are having a little coffee date which is going well and they exchange information.

Rayna: I WIN! Inn Keeper: You did. Why did you want me? Rayna: Well, I wanted your hand in marriage. Me: called it. Inn Keeper: uh uh uh um uh UM *gay panic* Rayna's player: This is where I reveal that Rayna is a lesbian. Rayna: Now I would like to know my fiancé's name. Rose: oh god I need a name for this NPC. Me: I have a character that is perfect for this. Introducing: Lu the lesbian tiefling bard, she plays the hurdy gurdy.

Rose: Damn you bagged a hottie. Patrick: Let's do a betting pool, Alfie you want in on this? Alfie: *stops making out with Fluffy Scruffington* no I'm busy. * goes back to making out with Fluffy Scruffington* Rose: Does Alfie get hair balls from Fluffy? Me: No, he has a strong digestive system. He can digest bones.

In the betting pool are a bunch of gold pieces, a really cool sword and Patrick didn't have anything to bet so Alfie gave him a rubber duckie so Patrick would feel included on his way out of the tavern so he and Fluffy could go on a walk and visit Paul the pink buffalo and give him some food.

Rayna won the betting pool.

The party met Alfie outside and Alfie asks Bob where we can find Rum Rums and he points in a direction and says that there's a cave that goes down 1500 feet. It's very dark and hard to breathe down there. So, Alfie brings out several gas masks that are perfectly tailored to each party member. Nobody questions why he has those.

Thusly concludes the recap.

#dnd #dungeons and dumbasses #nepotism saved alfie's soul #dungeons and dragons #gay shit