#ok i feel sick. why do i feel this way why do you feel that way.

[oars]

#i feel like tge fact im apprehensive about posting this is kinda proving my point #the way everyone talks about both weight gain and weight loss is just horrendous #like idek if i could fit all i wanna say in here especially while im at work but #i so badly wish people could be normal about weight gain and talking about it #its like if youre not in some constant state of wanting to lose weight people want to kill you #god forbid you want to put on weight to feel more comfortable in your body outside of muscles and a butt #fatphobia is a given thats a whole other few paragraphs #im grateful i have mutuals and friends who are normal but ill have or hear these convos and go #ok i feel sick. why do i feel this way why do you feel that way. #anyways i think fatphobia is one of the worst things to ever happen

[kohakhearts]

theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh

#taylor.txt #im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything #i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation #and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school #like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling #like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk #it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah #tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh #when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :( #anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students #noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh

[sunshades]

One thing about canto VI is like. I see so many people predicting it'll be about Fighting Evil Wife or Breaking Codependent Toxic Relationship and I just kinda think that would suck? If the major theme isn't grief AND love and the way both are seen as like Kinda Weird/inappropriate in the setting of the city. Then I'll be very sad.

#bell.txt #not putting it in the tag i dont wanna spam but yes limbus posting yes girls will be thinking about mortal regret #LIKE. LIKE. remember the discourse on twt about how like it was bad writing that yi sang didnt mourn dongbaek etc #and like that was the thing right. thsts not a thing you do in the city. that was part of why roland (who takes lots after wh's themes) #was so exceptional. that is the whole thing about the sickness of the city #to say it in comedia literary criticism terms: sins are split between wrongly-directed love and excess of love with sloth (lack of love) #being an outlier. i think heatho and generally og wh is about excess of love and not wrongly-directed love. it is the thing that lasts #all the way to the other side. it is the shared coffin and meeting again in the next life #i think itd be AWFULLY disappointing to get some boring boring 'they make each other worse' take. being APART due to societal pressures #makes them worse and horribly lonely. death makes them worse baby. so in my mind thats it #we get to see cathy die or still be unreachable in some way and then in very roland style we get furioso mode #and then the ending is about recognizing the love that has in fact been there all along and carrying it with u. and hoping to reunite some #where some other time. NO more slander of that awful girl. YES to the comfort of the memories. #me typing over my foscolo notes like i can surely post about heathcliff really fast and not write a novel in the tags (unaware) #i have more thoughts about this in regards to ruina with xiao and some stuff from leviathan but in the meantime. listen to my ramblings boy #ALSO. considering that implication. he feels for her what queequeg feels for ishy. ARGHH. RIPPING MY HAIR OFF #ok actually its been enough hours to not spam ppl I'll tag it now for blog org. i should maybe have a tag for posting specifically #limbus company

[aureentuluva70]

.

#*breathes in* ok #i am in a particularly bad mood today and turning to see practically every ship I don't like in the fandom is not helping #being in a fandom can be so exhausting at times especially when you dislike practically every popular ship in it #it can be such a nightmare to deal with. i came here to ESCAPE not deal with this crap #and yes i am talking about russingon and a number of other incestous ships in this what-often-seems-to-be godforsaken fandom #like i get it. i really do. i can see why people ship them but #do you really have to shove it down my throat like that? do you have to make it so that it is practically INESCAPABLE? #and the fact that they are COUSINS just makes it SO MUCH WORSE #not that tolkien was exactly helping when he decided to make EVERY SINGLE IMPORTANT CHARACTER RELATED #even the MARRIED ONES like why tolkien WHY #i do not have the time for this crap and im sick of having to deal with it everyday #it just feels like i can never enjoy any fandom I am in for very long because i always feel so out of place and alone in it #i get discouraged and then i leave because it feels like there's no way i can really contribute to it #ive tried to write fanfic but for some reason i just can't #i dont feel like my fanarts are good enough #i know im being overly dramatic but i just really need to get this off my chest

[todayisafridaynight]

Okay I can't post it until next week at the earliest and NEED to get this off my chest between now and my next longer reply because of stuff we were talking about:

Confirmed in one of my livestream clips there's been actual consideration towards Mine having survived. It's just a matter of his voice actor's availability and wanting to do it right if they end up doing it. We really could see Mine back in the main series.

And I recorded that clip based on something I misheard and didn't register that part at all until now. How Are We Doing Tonight

(Speaking of, get well soon!! I was sick myself the past couple of weeks, it's awful)

me waiting for the absolute millisecond yokoyama drops the 100% Mine Survived The Fall statement

#snap chats #ON THE REAL THOUGH HELLO ? #hang on i need to put my thinking cap on after i threw it across the room excited #OK so i recall yokoyama(? im p sure it was yokoyama lik 99% sure it was him) talked about the concept of mine being alive #i think i still have the tweet bookmarked and while he didnt blatantly confirm it he did kind of allude to it #EITHER WAY ive gotten hope from the idea of mine being alive before #BUT IF THIS IS CREDENCE TO FURTHER CONFIRMATION i might just explode. i MIGHT just be even MORE insufferable #this is such a funny case though like i love how the status of mine's mortality is treated like an actual missing person's case sometimes #Area Man That Went Missing In 2009 Has Finally Been Found Alive #im holding off on the Mine's Alive memes until theres a Confirmation confirmation #i dont even care if he comes back in the main games (yes i do im lying) just the idea that's he's out there would satisfy me for now #if mine was just a local cryptid in the rgg franchise that would be JUST as funny oh my god actual zhao in judgement type beat #BUT THANK YOU FOR THE INFORMATION I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D WANNA SAY SOMETHING NOW #IF YOU GET THE CLIP OF THAT READY LIKE OBVI ID LOVE TO SEE IT ?? MY STARS #gonna think of this all night.. mine should come back so i can be even more annoying #and thank you- i hope you're feeling better from your sickness now ! #i think im starting to feel better- i just have to stay inside more i guess #when i was at school there was pretty much no foliage so my allergies werent as bad #but back home theres nothing But foliage im gonna throw up ☠️

[craycraybluejay]

i should get more method by smoking more weed + remembering the million times i got too fucked up and thought i was going to die or just very but not too fucked up and how it felt in the moment. the confusion, weird fixations, wack visuals, nausea, dissassociation, shame, real and vivid fear of death.

i can tell y'all i have had someone make active attempts on my life but there is no death as frightening as the idea of dying in a puddle of puke and other bodily fluids feeling so disoriented and so much physical pain and discomfort that you'd pay a million dollars to crawl directly out of your body. there's easier OD concepts to stomach like one depressants but the concept of dying on a psychedelic or an upper or even a stimulating dissociative is terrifying. or dying from contaminants which injure you a lot more than whatever you were meaning to take ever could.

i want to write angel having a seizure the way i did. i want to write him compulsively adding different substances because just the one isn't enough. i want to torture this lil guy as he tries and fails to save himself :3

#as i always say please test your drugs im begging you #delete later #getting too personal up in here #but fr the world of serious substance use is a crazy place to even visit let alone live in #the entirety of reality just does not work the same way #its beautiful and scary and you dont want to become a permanent resident there #but its a lot like toxic relationships and maladaptivelt returning to them over and over #i want to parallel angel's drug abuse with his relationship to valentino #because even if you OD or have some kind of serious problem from it or get spiked with something awful #chances are you will always have that curiosity and urge to try again. try more. different new novel fun #bc even when it feels like hell its a unique hell. and more importantly its not your life anymore #no worries about being abused or homeless or very sick if the drugs bring a whole new hell #sometimes when you almost die you just get grateful it wasnt the real world that almost killed you #sometimes when youve looked in the void you laugh at how ridiculous your pain and grief and life is #its all stupid! none of it matters! we are all going to die and your exit card from the real world is in a box of mints #idk. sometimes a drug is an enhancer of reality and sometimes a different reality altogether. a lot of the experience depends on why you #take it. if you get high socially youre going to lean into related effects more heavily. if you do it to escape or explore thats what youll #get. ive never had the level of Problem Angel does but I Get It. i get why #im too broke to sustain a Problem of that nature lmao. like ok if i spend all my money i can lose my mind for a week #then ill be withdrawing and hungover from 20 diff things and penniless. no ty #however i will rarely say no to sharesies ill suck ya dick for my DOC 👍 #JOKING. ish

[bl00dw1tch]

the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am

#horse.txt #vent // #sort of. too high to be sad abt it im in anthropology mode and listening to music that makes me feel sexy so its fine yk #anyway i typed a whole bunch of other tags talking abt how and why i feel this way by going through a few of the events i can remember #from my childhood that Might explain why im so emotionally guarded and struggle to open up anymore. #bc i Wanted to say they all felt dumb and juvenile esp since ive actually like #made peace with most of the ppl who were involved with them #but the Anthropology mode was just tearing it all down as i typed it bc that Is just a ridiculous way to look at it no matter how you cut it #doesn't matter that nobody involved really Meant to deal that kind of harm and i dont need to hate or blame anyone in order to acknowledge #that it still just Happened. like thats a Memory already babe no do overs. #which is kind of just accidental therapy so sick. love that fir me genuinely! #but also yes theres the bitch part of me that still wants to discredit it bc acknowledging that it happened =/= Fixing My Issues #so im still at square one technically. ive just been pacing in circles on it for a while ig #EVEN WORSE that the Scale of my issues is so incredibly mundane compared to so many of the people i seem to meet. #sitting in bed crying abt not having friends for a few days in elementary school when other ppl have jojos bizarre adventure levels of Lore #i know im not technically invalid for feeling the way i do or anything but god. if it doesn't feel fucking Embarrassing to open up about😭 #its impossible NOT to feel stupid and sensitive for having these first world ass problems. And letting them hold me back #bc ppl not liking me for any reason makes me sooooooooo fucking scared So fucking scared its not even funny 😝 #at least. ppl in my Circles. im pretty ok about being assertive with randos #still some work to be done on it but its better than whatevers going on with my personal relationships rn #sincerely to my mutuals and loved ones who see this i swear to GOD i love you so so so fucking much and im so. im trying to figure out this #the stuff thats got me so distant and bad at keeping in touch. its a whole slew of feelings about how i see Myself--not yall #i double pinky promise cross my heart im extremely serious #thank you for being patient with me you mean more to me than im capable of putting into words right now #alright theres a shot of tears in the hollow of my collar bone time to wrap up this post #daily reminder that i love body hair. there's some honesty. #😎😎😎💪💪💪 #the Quaritch under the cut is just to make me feel better bc i love him and i think hes so pretty. hes like a security blanket

[toothmarqed]

fallen prey to saying stupid shit on the internet without thinking and coming off as incredibly rude and insensitive. i feel sick to my stomach. never commenting on anything else ever again. deserve to be squashed under someone’s shoe and ground into powder. in all seriousness this has shocked me so much that i am quitting every platform but tumblr for however long it takes for me to get some sense knocked into my dumb fucking skull

#actually considering deleting the clock app rn #what i said was so so bad and it could’ve been avoided if i’d fucking READ WHAT I WROTE and thought abt it FOR ONE GODDAMN MINUTE #i genuinely feel like i’m going to throw up being seen (fairly. justifiably) as mean is like the worst thing #and i don’t deserve to be wining abt this bc i’m the one who hurt someone but good god #PLEASE make sure that when you say something online you would SAY IT TO THEIR FACE #ive gotten to used to this brusque rude dark humor on the internet that i don’t relaizw using that humor INDISCRIMINATELY WITH STRANGERS is #Not okay #they made a video on it but the video got taken down so i deleted the comment. which might have been more selfish. i don’t know what’s best #-to do in that situation? i’m going to change my fucking username and pfp atp and go off the app entirely because i’m so fucking adhd ames #**ashamed don’t know why is autocorrected to that #ok just deleted the app ‘and all of its data’ so idk if that means my videos (edits) too but atp whatever #maybe it’s impulsive but at least this way i will not know what’s going on ! and never hurt anyone again hopefully. i really hope he saw my #-comments before his response was deleted because i want them to know it was not intentional and i am truly so so sorry #i don’t know how i’m going to function for the rest of the day. i’m going to think about this when i go to sleep for the rest of my life #i feel sick #i’m evil #and being evil isn’t fun silly times it literally makes me want to throw up from how bad i am #too much ranting in the tags and i deserve to be fucking shot in the mouth #but i need somewhere to put this that no one will see this but that is also public so that someone might see and know how sorry i am #feel like fucking bojack horseman #unironically how am i supposed to go on living. how can i live knowing i’m so bad. if i don’t kill myself im being selfish because i’m mak- #-omg everyone deal with my presence and live with a bad person. #i think i’m going too social media entirely except for tumblr maybe bc i can’t or don’t rly talk to anyone on here #i need someone to like give me a good meaning but not in a cathartic way in a way that it genuinely hurts so bad and makes me feel the full #suffering i deserve

[fallowtail]

i try not to let it get to me but the knowledge i am always going to be The Stupid One in every situation i’m in just…really, really sucks. sigh. oh well. i stay silly :3c

#cant even blame it on being audhd because everyone else i know who is #is smart and talented and their brains work alright 😭 i'm just stupid and incapable #i feel like i’m the only person out there who does not get to experience any of the benefits or joys of these things #for me it is nothing but brain damage and endless suffering with no brightside or intelligence or anything #but then everyone tells me i’m the bad guy because if there was a magic button that would make me not audhd i would click it immediately #like why am i wrong for not wanting to suffer #everyone else seems to have a special interest or a fixation and they can remember information about those things but i...dont. i can't. LO #i do not experience the autistic joy everyone else talks about. i dont have the adhd focusing on what you like superpowers or whatever #my autism made me barely pass highschool and i couldnt handle community college and i had to drop out and i can barely handle having #an entry level job that everyone patronizes me about #i'm barely verbal and i am losing my ability to function to brainfog and everyone around me treats me like i'm their little pet idiot #but wanting to change that about myself makes me evil and bad or something i guess #sorry to whine on tumblr like the good old days but twitter is sick of my shit LOL 😭 #pmdd making me spiral worse than usual #one of those times where i'm realizing that if everyone else experiences these things totally different from me than maybe that was never #what was wrong with me in the first place lol. maybe i dont have an explanation and i'm back to being 10 15 19 24 sobbing wondering why im #like this. why i'm so stupid. not even in a self hating way in a legitimately proven way that i am functioning below average intelligence. #ok im done sorryyyyy god i forgot how good tumblr is to vent on #z

[skrunksthatwunk]

haruka should be allowed to be mad at kiryu tbh

#not just in y6 but like all the time #dont get me wrong i LOVE them and i love them being sweet and happy and i love kiryu being a good dad ok #but kiryu is uh. not always the best. in ways that i think she should be upset about #and i think the canon narrative doesnt rlly wanna address that bc kiryu is trying so hard and that effort must be forgiven #and for a happy ending to occur the family must be reunited #and i get that but like. haruka's side of the story is often ignored completely #or else boils down to unconditional daughter love in ways that are supposed to be admirable #and again. i love these two dearly. i love them very very much. but i think that tension should be explored #their relationship would be Very Complex and i think it would be Messy tbh. not like screaming fighting per se but i think haruka should be #allowed some moments of Uncle Kaz Im Sick Of Your Shit type stuff #im not even sure why i feel this way specifically bc i know i used to have reasons for it but like. yeah #even if you dont think haruka's justified or that she's missing some details/perspective or whatever i think she should be hurt and upset #about some of The Bullshit. baby girl needs therapy she needs some support and sometimes kiryu just. idk. #anyway go listen to welly boots by the amazing devil. thats basically my thesis statement #look maybe I'm just projecting my own daddy issues or whatever idk. maybe more people should do that with them like. shit #I'll do it someday I'll make that content i swear #sorry thinkjng about the unconditional daughter love again. she's kind of an ideal. she's a fantasy sometimes of a daughter figure who will #always understand how hard you're trying and be cute and love you no matter what. does that make sense??? and it's like. like i almost feel #bad for knocking that bc i get parents are under a lot of stress but i think she should have that power and that agency to be upset with #him. idk if im making sense. she's reduced to the Ideal Daughter and i want her to be loving and kind but with some moments of bitterness

[rosicheeks]

-

#do you ever just lay in the dark cause nothing sounds fun? #cause lol same #idk if I’m getting sick or I’m just really sad #it’s only 8 but idk what to do #i *was* going to get all dressed up and do some content #but lol #my face is so puffy #and not in a cute way #i could paint? i guess? but eh #i just kinda want someone to hold me and cuddle me and tell me everything’s going to be alright #but ya know since I don’t have that #I’ll have some floor time for a bit #hope that’ll help? #idk #how do people do this #I’m in such a fog and idk how to get out of it #ok I’m just blabbing sorry #idk why I feel more comfortable venting here than to my friends #shut up rosie #seriously I need to shut up 🤦🏽‍♀️

[hugepolecat3298]

still reeling over the kid in my class who said r worded out loud and then said 'i mean grape without the g' when another kid got confused in a media discussion about a story with child molestation in it like do you think the teacher is gonna yell at you for being on topic. real life is not tiktok

#originals #rape tw #also how am i apparently the only person who thinks 'censoring' stuff like that is gross and offensive #like it gen seems like making a jokr out of it when you come up with weird censorings like thst #like ok maybe its reasonable if. hold on im gonna switch to suicide because the way people censor suicide is even more offensive to me #like if youre going he committed s*icide like ok idc i dont get why its censored but maybe its useful for someone else #but if youre like omg he committed sewer slide 🥺toaster bath 🥺unalived himself LITERALLY ROT IN HELL DO YOU THINK ITS FUNNY #i also think styro/beans/laffy taffy is fucking gross and makes me feel sick to read but itd help you remember what all needs to go to the #hospital or if youre good at home #mmnemonic except it makes you throw up

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

It never gets any fucking easier does it

#bitch bout to do smth very stupid here #i've kept my distance for what already feels like forever n i really thought by now i'd be. at least on the way to functioning on my own #i can ignore it when i'm doin ok but the pull never goes away it's always there #then i get low n i just. can't think of a reason to fight it anymore #i feel like i got sold just another lie. that if i just stay strong n don't go back then i'll start learning how to live w/o him but #did anyone actually tell me that? did i just lie to myself? he makes me feel awful most of the time but if i feel awful anyway then why not #sometimes it helps for a moment or two #that's if he even wants me around anyway. could you go either way #cause i'm sick n weak n suicidal just the way he likes me but also he might be too focused on doll to feel like playin w/ me rn #i feel like everyone told me it'd get easier but maybe they didn't. or maybe i'm doin smth wrong. #honestly it might be my fault he's gettin worse again in the first place cause maybe he was right n i just need a villain in my life #someone to blame when everything's too hard #i guess i wouldn't know what to do w/ myself if he really changed like we supposedly want him to so..... #i hate how i'm realizing he was right about more n more things all the fucking time #i can't do this on my own. i need someone to go to someone i can rely on someone to hold me #others in this system got someone who actually cares about em n what do i get? fucking val #i try not to go there cause it's not healthy but lately it's been hard to convince myself this life isn't a punishment #hell was too cozy so they put me here instead. i don't deserve to be looked after. i only deserve to be used #i don't know what exactly it was i did that was so awful but. i can't make sense of it any other way #so there must be something. this is just me gettin my due. #why else would i have been made like this? wired wrong for this world in so many ways always needin too much #so stop bitching n whining about it n just take it like a good boy #i'm still a good boy if i rly put myself into it right? #spdrvent

[medievalwoundman]

i love ugly people so much you don’t have to fix anything you are not broken

#you have as much of a right to be romanticised and poeticised #as anyone else #your features might disgust others but you don’t owe the world anything for that #you have no obligation to change the way you look to make others more comfortable #the only important people are the ones that don’t see past the ugliness but look at you for who you truly are and treat you no differently #you are not your cage you are so much more than that #i am saying this as much to myself as everyone else #i am so sick if hearing people try and tell me oh no ur beautiful really #like im not why can’t that be ok #why do i have to look pleasing or even just non repugnant in order to be treated like a human being #i know ppl are just trying to be kind but it just makes me feel worse #on beauty

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#I have so many other things to do but instead I’m refreshing my messages waiting for you to send me something #because I’m still so worried that you’re upset with me and I need to know that you’re still going to talk to me #I’m a dumb fucking idiot wasting my time and my life on this kind of shit #but my anxiety is eating me alive and I won’t feel ok until I hear from you #and knowing you I won’t get a message until like 11pm so I’ll just get to suffer the whole day #I don’t feel comfortable sending you another message since you didn’t reply to me yesterday #I don’t want to keep feeling like I’m bothering yoh all the time especially after you snapped at me #you have this very special way of making me feel like I’m being selfish and manipulative and unreasonable #just because I want to have more time to talk to my friend #and idk maybe that is unreasonable in some way and I’m just not seeing it #you have this way of making me feel like I’m always in the wrong and doing/saying the worst things #and even though I recognize that this friendship is becoming toxic and unhealthy I can’t give you up #the thought of losing you is somehow worse than dealing with this anxiety and pain #I’m sick to my stomach over all this nonsense yet again #and now I have to try to distract myself and stop checking here for you and be normal #why is that so damn hard #personal

[killbenedictcumberbatchagain]

sigh. why are you doing this to me

#stuff like this makes me feel so trapped. this isn't real. #this is actually like tearing me up ok #i hate this #i just want to be happy and feel good #i hate how everyone is looking and talking to me. i cant keep this up like fuck #and i cant deal with the pretending like just tell me what this is #i dont like this. #give me my stuff. #like did i fucking fall into the hardest trap ever #did you guys do this? how are you finding this?? #leave me alone #i know that you know and you know that i know that you know #THIS IS FUCKING EXHAUSTING #I CAN'T DO IT YOUR WAY LIKE PLEASE JESUS i like this version of me #this is just awful. i hate all the pretending. the feigned obliviousness #im sick of feeling shame #i cany say this in words to you i cant even look at you this is so tiring #i miss my friend and i hate thinking he doesn't care about me #i hope he does #why would you create this facade and expect me to be ok with it? #i love it here #but this isn't what i want!!!!! #I'M TIRED MAN THIS IS SO HARD IT'S SO RARE I HAVE SOMETHING FOR MYSELF #i hate that im just. in a glass truman show like cage #i want to be still and small and hidden #j**h i really want to believe you #i surrendered bc i want you to stick around even if you have to keep an eye out #i miss you. thank you for not lying to me. i didn't want to believe it. #but i get so sad when youre gone.