#personal.rtf

[lupurel]

sometimes i think i have too many trust issues then some of yall out here being Fucking pedophiles and faking ur race and im like nah im good. i dont need new friends

#personal.rtf #drama / #GOD

[lupurel]

at this point my url is my only stable sense of identity 

#personal.rtf

[lupurel]

why are ter.fs so obsessed with vagina. Every fuckng time i see one they ALWAYS have some fucnkg word for vagina in their url. i think maybe those cringy posts about how allos dont do anything but think about sex were because of te/rfs. we’ve been reading it wrong all along. We should have listened to their warning

#personal.rtf #ter/fs are the true Allos

[lupurel]

i wana stay on tumblr becauseits a great way for me to stay connected to the world and not isolate  but Not like this.

#personal.rtf

[lupurel]

like a bad one. like a “can’t control my breathing” one but like im? not even ?? nothings even really causing it besides....like. ok some things are causing it but it shouldnt be This Bad but also it Is. im trying to take deep breaths but its not really working and my chest keeps seizing up? it feels like im just not getting Enough Breath in

#personal.rtf #Anyone got any ADvice

[lupurel]

it’s the Jake’s Mental Health Corner Update time (this is long and probably Do Not read it)

let me Tell u something. me?  i gave up that ‘trusting people’ shit a LONG Time ago. bro ive been so fucking paranoid and depressed lately its not even a bitfunny anymore and having semi-relapses and some of its not my fault but also Some of it is? Like i’ll legit get a thought in my head and instead of stopping it like i usually do ill let it spiral. and spiral. and spiral. and spiral

until all i can think about is how everyone probably talks about me behind my back or they dont like me as much as they say they do or i’ll Fuck up(tm) again and make the worst assumption but ill make the mistake again of saying it out loud and i wont be able? to Explain why i think the way i do other than ‘ idont know Guess im just fucked up’ and then that’ll get all my friends to leave 

But maybe that would be better you know? Because sometimes i think im such a shitty person anyway like, the last time i tried to help someone ,REALLY help someone, it was just for my own gain. I just wanted to prove to myself i could do it , so that i could lift up my own self esteem. And even to this day sometimes i still feel like that about people? not...Like i dont act on it anymore but it seems lately

sometimes my only two feelings for people are either this fuckin Pity or a ‘oh god ill never be as good as them’ envious feeling? Which are both awful? i either get fuckin like... freakishly jealous yet idolizing that they’ll always be better than me, or i feel They can never get on my level (not that thats a bad thing because whomst the fuck wants to be on this shitty stage) and i’ll be nice to them but out of pity?????

that or nothing at all. that or i dont feel anything at all and im just acting out the part of being their friend. sometimes i wonder if im really even capable of caring about people Genuinely? like other people talk about? and that sounds so .....like, Mind-boggling, but sometimes i feel like the ‘care’ that i give people will always be dirty and unclean. and tainted by my own desires. is that normal? like is it normal to feel like no matter what, you can’t really selflessly love someone else? even if you do favors for them and never ask anything in return (which to be fair i never do that anyway, i Always gotta have Something), you’re still using them to some degree because you’re just tricking them into liking you you know? like youre only doing those favors for them to get them to like you Its Manipulation(TM) right?

I can try to be as Nice as a fuckin saint but in the end im still just doing it so that ill feel loved. Like it’s still only just for me. and i see so many people that love their friends and s/os so dearly and so...purely? like that sounds meme-ish  in this day and agebut i mean it. i see people that have a pure love for others and i just wish i could. feel that. i wish i had that because i feel like i cant give it to people even when i want so Badly to

or thats how i see it in my head anyway

but maybe im overthinking it? And also talking about it just makes me feel even more awful for a second because i dont want people to see this part of me that feels like im a shitty person because when you talk about how shitty you are i feel like people start to see it too. like ‘oh yeah you Do do that now that you Mention it’ and i just cant stand the fact that theyre gonna hate it as much as i do

I wish people didn’t hate me? or i wish i didnt constantly feel like they did. I feel like even if people don’t hate me for good reasons that they cant see they’ll find something else to hate about me that’ll be just as valid. like that i interrupt people too much or only know how to make conversations by making everything about Me again or im so torn up about isolating myself but i wont stop doing it, i wont stop ignoring people and turning people away even though it Fuckign eats me away inside?  I Hate doing it!

and then i cling to a specific number of people while pushing everyone else away, every one that tries to get in and see what im all about i just push them away and stick to the same people who already Know and are gonna get sick of me eventually and then who is gonna Care? no one will because i ignored them and the people that i didnt ignore found out how awful i am , still am, even after all this time even though they trusted me to get better

I feel like i havent gotten better at all

Outside of my social life I still can barely feed myself, i still can barely shower or brush my teeth, i still cant go on walks even when i really , really want to even when i just want to feel the sun i cant. I cant go outside because ill get people looking at me and i cant stand strangers looking at me. i just want to be alone but also im more terrified of it than anything and being so alone in this world is whats eating me up inside. not doing anything is whats killing me, not getting to talk to anyone face to face is whats killing me, But i cant stand doing it! i cant stand doing it whenver i do get the chance

And no one can help me but myself and i know this. i know its my job. its my responsibility. i Know this

but you cant stop wishing you know? when youre like this, you cant help but wish for something to come along and just magically. make it all disappear. magically make all your problems better and thats the problem? thats the entire problem with people like me. because logically, the only thing that makes things disappear? The only thing that makes it so you dont have to feel bad anymore? well

Well.

You Know What.

But im not gonna ever attempt That again

I think im fine now. writing it all out really...helps...even if this is just like some nonsensical piece of garbage and honestly i think i make it out to be worse than it is. Its fine yknow? it goes away pretty quickly. and it feels nice to have a platform to put it on , where people Might see but not guaranteed see? like theres a chance they can, and you can still feel acknowledged and like you exist, but you dont have to freak out about it. thats nice. thats kinda why i still use this site after its descent into Hell

if you made it to the end of all this Congrats my friend and i know this might seem like super....uh, Heavy but Really....it Passes. it comes and goes. Im Done Now good DAY

#personal.rtf #negative // #long post //

[lupurel]

btw if any of u have a twitter...lemme know... i ramble on there a lot and id love to see yalls rambles too 

#personal.rtf

[lupurel]

ok i Changed my Mind. im bringing my queue back down again because i miss being able to actually blog and have people know im online

#personal.rtf #GGGHDSFH IM JUST QUEUEING EVERYTHING BECAUSE IM NOT FAST ENOUGH #i still wanna have a queue just #24 posts is too much for me

[lupurel]

but just to b clear, for people who need those things tagged anyway regardless (due to EDs , other MIs, trauma, etc), on this blog i do always tag food and nsfw (and i normally tag Drinks with ‘food’) so rly the only thing u have to worry about from me is swearing GFGDGSDFg

#personal.rtf #for context this is kinda an add-on to the post i just rbed

[lupurel]

mentally ill things #493745: when you are hit out of nowhere with that 10 (ten) second relief where everything is absolutely fine and the usual constant numbness and heaviness on your heart and brain are lifted, and you feel more calm than you have in years - then the seconds pass and you remember ‘oh that’s Right. I’m Dead Inside’

#personal.rtf #pleeza dont rb if ur NT bt i think this is a common thing with any MI?????? #or maybe not??? maybe its just a bpd thing?? #???????????????? #bpd tag

[lupurel]

im upping my queue posts per day so Pls lms if you have a tagging system [for findin the Stuffs i like to rb] and i can queue from u?

#personal.rtf #I will be Forever in ur debt i suck at managing my queue but i want to have a Good Blog.

[lupurel]

mutuals: (likes my post)

me, even though i specifically tagged the post as ‘lms’: (tearing up) thank you. you know i think you guys just really Get me. You understand me. you really

#personal.rtf #MFMFkfdsjfdsjisfe #okay im Done i Think........im so sorry im just in a rambly mood 2nite #i really should add a disclaimer to my abt thats like 'i delete posts' because i Do A lot #if they r personal posts #i just cant stand havin my blog cluttered by me Dying 40 times over

[lupurel]

anyone: hey how are y

me, oversharing: In case you haven’t noticed? I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t “fit in” and I don’t...wanna fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid internet persona on? That’s weird.

#personal.rtf #I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS MEME

[lupurel]

like yeah it Kinda sucks blog-wise bcus i Really liked that i had finally settled on a url and was gonna stick with it  but lbr........................it aint worth it

#personal.rtf

[lupurel]

legit every time my paranoia finally settles one of you Bastards does some fucked up shit to set it off again

#personal.rtf #maybe im being too harsh but rn i feel like: im remaking soon. i dont give a Shit #im Tired of This #ill probably remake on discord too

[lupurel]

like idk. on the one hand im really glad that this anti-recovery thing is getting called out!!! its bothered me for so long! and on the other hand its semi-difficult for me to see bcus, with my black and white thinking , i go in my head ‘because i have The same thing these bad people have, [bpd] and am more emotionally needy than most people this means (it =) i am Abusive and Should Die.’

#personal.rtf #again pls lms if you see // Its ok if u cant tho #this is kinda personal for me so ill need the Support i think