#posting this here and only here and maybe i will delete later

[halfmoth-halfman]

Leaving this blog.

With my mini-series finishing up soon, I've decided to leave this blog as well as my AO3 account once it’s finished. This is not a decision I've made lightly, but circumstances have left this a place where I no longer feel safe.

As of now, I won't be deactivating this blog and will be leaving my fics up for anyone who'd still like to read them. I can't say this decision won't change later, but right now I feel that I've put too much work into this blog to simple delete it.

Below the cut is an explanation of why I'm making this decision, and what has been happening on this blog since the end of last year. It's not required to read or anything to understand the gist of this post; it's simply for my own peace of mind knowing that I spoke up about it. There will be topics that are possibly triggering such as harassment, threats, and racism so please mind the warnings and tags.

The mini-series is queued to finish next week, but there will be no more fic polls or wip wednesdays. I'll still be on here to make sure the queue does its job, and maybe post some stuff from my old drafts as a last bit of fun.

I'll have dms tentatively open for the next two-ish weeks for those who'd like to follow my new account, however I will not be answering anything from empty blogs. After that, asks and dms will be turned off, and I won't be coming back to this blog very often, if at all.

I cannot say thank you enough to the wonderful readers I've had and the amazing people I've met. I don't think I would've ever continued writing without your support and friendship. There's nothing I can do to show my appreciation for all of you.

Maybe we'll see each other again. If not, I hope your inspiration is always flowing, and 2024 treats you kindly.

Mothie 💜

Again, TW: rape/death threats, violent racism, repeated harassment, and mental health.

Back in November, I started getting rude, mean-spirited anons. It wasn't anything I was too bothered with because it didn't happen often and, honestly, my inbox gets flooded for a week or so anytime I post about certain topics. I blocked, deleted, reported and moved on thinking whoever it was would get bored and leave.

However, what started as a few rude anons calling me a bitch or stupid turned into a lot of anons being vile and racist which only worsened over the next few months.

I spoke about it in this post (link) near the end of November. In that post, I mentioned that those were the nicer asks and that was not an exaggeration. I have gotten my fair share of shitty anons as seen here (link) when I had to take a break from my blog because of said anons, but I have never gotten the amount of vitriol that I saw in these asks.

When I turned anon off, I started getting even worse messages from empty blogs that would either be blocked or deactivate within a week. When I turned my askbox off, I started getting hateful DMs. When I turned DMs off, it jumped from Tumblr to my other social medias which I had to private, completely avoid, or outright delete.

I got messages attacking my writing, calling me slurs, threatening to find me and rape or kill me, sending me explicit porn and rape videos while insulting my sexuality, and going into gross detail about how much people I interacted with hated me or how I would never be as good as them. I tried to power through it, pretending everything was fine while I pulled away from this blog, from writing, from friends that I loved and talked to every day. Everything about this blog, the fandoms I enjoyed, the people I talked to, made me so anxious because of these constant messages.

I took several breaks while dealing with this in therapy, repeatedly trying to come back and get comfortable on this blog, but within a few days of coming back the messages would start up again, either here or on any of my social medias I tried to unprivate, and I couldn't deal with it.

Only in the last week or two has it started to slow down and stop on a few of my other socials, which is the only reason I even feel comfortable making this post. However, in regards to this blog and my feelings toward it, the damage is done.

I don't think I can ever truly convey how isolating this has been. So many of these messages were about how I've spoken about my struggles as a black woman in fandom, how much of a burden it puts on the people who interact with me, how inferior I am to them and that I am everything that's wrong with fandom.

I felt scared and anxious to talk to anyone about this, especially people mentioned in those messages, out of fear that this harassment would jump to them. There are friendships that I stepped away from that I will never get back because of that. There are friends that I've felt like I was betraying by never telling them about what was happening because I felt too ashamed about letting this get to me.

I constantly worried that making a post like this would feel like, "Oh, Mothie's whining and trauma-dumping into the void about fandom racism again", that those messages would be right and it would force people to feel like they had to support me. Or worse, that people would agree and it would only make things worse. I've wrestled with so much guilt trying to decide to make this post and figure out what to do to make me trust myself again.

Ultimately, I don't think I was wrong for talking about my issues in fandom, and I don't think anything I've said has warranted this kind of harassment. I don’t know the who’s or why’s behind of this, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never really know. Truthfully, I'm not sure it even matters at this point. In the end, I think moving on from this blog entirely would be the best thing for me right now.

But, man, does it fucking suck.

This was the blog where I felt comfortable enough to start writing again, to start posting my fics. It's the blog where I met so many friends, got the courage to join new communities, found new hobbies, new music, new things to enjoy in life. It feels silly to say about a blog, but this was a place where I felt like I was able to carve out a space for myself. I put so much work into making it my own, and now the only thing I feel about it is anxious.

Hate messages and threats and racism have always been a part of fandom, and the internet as a whole. I’ve known since I started participating in fandom spaces that it was going to and continue to happen. I've known that I had to have a tough skin, especially if I ever spoke up about problems I faced because no one was going to have my back if I didn't have my own. I thought I had learned how to deal with it, and how to make a safe space for myself. But this goes beyond that. I did not deserve this. No one deserves this.

In some ways, it feels like admitting defeat, like I'm weak or hypocritical for not being as strong as I pretended I was and leaving. In other ways, it feels freeing to start over, and I'm choosing to view look at this optimistically even if it bittersweet. I don't want to let this scare me away from writing or from speaking about things that are important to me. All I can do now is say I'm so incredibly sorry to those I've hurt by stepping away or keeping this secret, and make sure I'm able to at least leave this blog on as happy a note as I can have.

#moth talks #tw: rape #tw: racism #tw: mental health #tw: misogyny #tw: harassment #tw: death threats

[yuudamari]

Eurydice

#orv #omniscient reader's viewpoint #kim dokja #kdj #posting this here and only here and maybe i will delete later #my sketches

[solarpunkani]

"Oh no, someone's attracted to the aesthetics of my -punk movement but doesn't know the praxis and history behind it like I do--"

OK. Tell them. Make it a teaching moment. Everyone who's in your movement learned the background from somewhere at some point, maybe this is that point for that person. Give them a jumping off point that they can dive into later.

"Oh but I shouldn't be responsible for teaching baby -punks about the history and the how-tos and--"

OK. Then don't tell them. You don't have to be responsible for teaching people with a budding interest in your group the ins and outs and how-tos. That's fair and valid! It can be a lot of work. Someone else will handle it

"But I'm annoyed that they would try to claim to be part of/be interested in my community without knowing all the details that I know after being in it for months/years/decades, they're dumb, they're posers, they're--"

OK. Then don't engage with them, if it's that bad. Maybe someone else will come around and tell them the history, maybe they'll pick it up on their own, maybe they'll just enjoy the fashion elements for awhile.

"But they shouldn't claim to be part of the -punk community if they don't know the--"

I feel like we have a few options here. People can either talk to them, share the history, share the values, share the praxis. Or they can just chase off anyone who even thinks about dipping a toe in their community, and then wonder why it's dying off later down the line.

I dunno, maybe I'm too naive and patient or whatever. But if people are entering your -punk spaces without knowing The Rundown of what you feel they need to know, maybe being nice about it and informing people instead of immediately assuming stupidity and malicious intent could help you make a new friend. Even the loudest voices in a space had to learn from somewhere, and not everyone has the luxury of being in the space as the History was Happening--whether it's an age thing or a not being aware of the space thing. Or maybe I just don't see what the big deal is behind people hating people who like the aesthetic of something and don't know the behind the scenes history about it yet.

Because I believe in the word 'yet.' No one comes into this world knowing everything about everything, and we're all constantly learning new things. I'm not gonna degrade someone and call them a poser for not knowing what I know. Because if it were me, interested in a scene but getting chased out and called a poser? I wouldn't hit the books and study up, I'd go 'that fuckin sucks, those people sucked' and then avoid anyone and anything having to do with it.

So chase people off and call them posers if you want. But if your community starts dwindling, don't be fucking shocked.

#out of queue #ani rambles #punks and posers #i cant even call this a 4am hot take because its 7pm but like #idk i keep seeing posts about like 'how DARE people think I bought my punk clothes how DARE they not know the how-tos and DIYs' #or 'ugh people only care about the ~aesthetics~ of my movement if you don't know shit get out of here' and like #maybe I'm just a shy ass introverted nerd whos scared of social rejection! but I avoid that shit like the plague #so if someone were to reject me based on not knowing about something I'd never even heard about? something i was JUST getting into? #there's a high chance I'd just scram and never look back. i don't wanna be the one who causes that emotion in someone else #granted this is coming from someone who STILL doesn't know how to make her own patches or worked up the courage to do direct action praxis #outside of offering neighbors to my tomatoes and trying to talk to people about what I'm passionate about #but still imo unless someone's a malicious intentional bad actor i dont see the point in scaring newbies off #thats how movements die imo #i know this is my solarpunk blog but its not a solarpunk specific thing #i think the main post that inspired this was about store-bought versus self-made spiked leather jackets #which honestly just feels petty to me but who knows. #might delete later

[arthur-r]

my partner broke up with me last night and the first thing my mom asked was if it’s because he wanted to be with a “boy boy”

#anyway i’m so fucking normal. i’m so fucking normal #we’re actually going to still be friends but it’s still kind of shit #because it’s not fun to get broken up with. if you can believe it #he just didn’t like me that way anymore which. to each their own #(i fucking said that out loud he said ‘‘i still like spending time with you i just don’t like holding you anymore’’ #and i said ‘‘well to each their own!!’’) #(because i am insane and strange. and because he broke up with me after i took my fucking sleep meds) #but anyway i’m being so normal about it. but my mom calling me to comfort me did not fucking work #when her first question is ‘‘oh it’s because you’re trans right?? cause nobody loves you’’ #but whatever. he was SO good at breaking up with me so whatEVER #he was nice about it. and you can’t force somebody to be attracted to you and it’s not like it’s better to be in a doomed relationship #and i’m not here to vent. well like i am a little bit but just about my mom shdhdf #i don’t know. think i’m gonna sleep for a while now maybe!! but text me if you need anything #me. my post. mine. #delete later #friends only #vent cw #transphobia cw #? #like if read

[luciality]

shout out to the goth girl from last night who didnt realize her goth mother named her after the lost boys character. thanks for letting me grope your tits while we danced im gonna jerk off to that for the next week

#shut up luci #delete later #also shout out to the pierrot #yeah i havent been a regular since hs so im gonna change that #yknkw im realizibg this is maybe not a normal thing to say but. i only post truth here..... #my brutal honesty... some may say it is tmi but this is my diary. dont like it? block my tag or unfollow me all together

[byanyan]

ㅤat this point, they're beyond wasted and vibing out to music that's too loud with several substances on standby for when the buzz starts wearing off. happy new year!!

#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ic status ⋮ fighting a fight i'll win anyway. #excuse to make use of this gif bc it's one of my faves? maybe. #but mostly i don't want to make an ooc post bc i don't much care for new years #THAT SAID....... i do actually have a goal for this year #and that's to finally ACTUALLY take fucking steps toward getting a diagnosis so that i can maybe start to be a functioning human being #for the first time in far far too long #at this point i'm p sure i'm on the autism spectrum and/or adhd and only having treatment for depression & anxiety #and having psychs guess at MAYBE things like bpd are the underlying main issue #then not actually doing anything about it #has royally fucked over my quality of life since middle school (: #i don't like talking much about my life bc it's genuinely so embarrassing #but i figure maybe baring a little of my soul will help encourage me to finally take steps forward. #this is basically my happy place. my retreat. my escape. #and byan has effectively become my comfort character and a bit of an outlet #so while i'm out here crying about shit i just want to say a huge thank you to all of you lovely mutuals who have kept me company #and put up with my sharp and glittery little freak and given me all these amazing relationships for them #i'd be doin a whole lot worse if not for y'all you have no idea #thank you i love you and here's to hoping that 2024 is good and a better mental health year for all of us ♡♡♡ #...there's a good chance i'll be embarrassed enough to delete all these tags later tbh #but i'm in basically the last time zone to hit midnight so it's probably late enough that most people won't see it anyway lmao

[born-to-lose]

Missing people and regretting shit o'clock

#why did i even let it come this far. 7 fucking months and i didn't realize what was going wrong so i could have saved it #i want him back fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck #was thinking of this notebook i filled for him with memories and poetry and quotes and general mushy things and goddamn #why am i crying i just looked at my desk and i don't have the heart to put everything in a box so i don't see it every day when i wake up #i know i can't change it and it's probably over for good now after i fucked some things up extra hard but fuck do i miss him #i wish i could have done something in time before even the thought of breaking up came up #just when i thought for once things are working out for me and it was really fucking good and happy until a week before it ended #guess i just can't be happy. i never could #i was really really willing to talk things out and fix whatever needs to be fixed while staying together #not go separate ways and maybe not so maybe definitely not possibly maybe see if we can try again in the future #which we (spoiler) apparently won't and i kinda came to terms with that but i still wish there was a possibility #or at least i would have liked to know from the beginning and not spend weeks hoping for a reunion and working towards that specifically #while i seem to be the only one with that goal #idk i just wish it had been more thought through and talked about properly so there wouldn't be the misunderstandings we deal with now #and like boundaries for the first two months or so after that but it takes two i guess #disclaimer i'm not bitter or mad at anyone just sad and nostalgic. if the person in question reads this i love you ok that won't change #deleting later but now i need to go back to sleep before i kill myself on a whim #mel talks #depressed bitch posting #i know i know i know i did some shit too that wasn't great and i'm not saying i'm innocent here i'm just so depressed about the situation #it's been seven goddamn weeks it never took me this long to get over anything before

[backensicangel0647]

after discussing with qpp like philosophers, im thinking very much abt making a ramble blog (to anyone who cares)

(EDIT, twas in my q) @angeldigital92 hey... its here.. if you even care.... /j

#be quiet engel #another reason tbh is bc i outgrew instagram and i feel like posting there abt my insane shit just isnt the same #like for the very few who follow my priv insta is basically #ppl who im friends w who understand what im saying #ppl who are slightly if not older than me and rather watch actual shows then anime (anti me) #and then theres like. other gays who only fixate on “some” things and never like anythijg else other than THAT thing they like oh so much #insta is good if you have the right imgs i simply dont save imgs like that anymore + writing and placing txt kinda a nightmare #methought at least HERE i could write my shit put it in queue maybe and or post it and forget whatever i wrote #bc probably like. 3 ppl are gonna follow it #as my qpp said tho fr fr its very freeing and i knew that feeling when i was vent posting on insta and twitter and like #probably not gonna post vent but yk ill be goikg all crazy qnd stupid you just gotta understand me personally ig to understand my insanity #i might also delete this later or something idk ww

[graff-aganda]

I think I want to try to get better at giving comments to peoples art more, and just responding to peoples posts more... Or even just talking to people in general. 🤔

#just thinking about that this afternoon... I do it a lot in tags here on tumblr but it feels kind of different. #bc I think here. we kind of have this 'the tags dont really count' mentality that stems from when tags werent visible #whereas on twitter like. I really really struggle to ever work up the courage to comment something nice on art I like... #shy I am and nervewracking it is.... but I've had quite a few comments on my stuff lately and I feel bad for not dishing any out myself ;; #I think part of it also comes from not wanting to be annoying but its like?? im not annoyed by it so why should someone else be if im- #saying nice stuff about their art????? 😭 its my brain being silly. #maybe also in part bc i dont retweet stuff very often at all either... since I only have my one account and its 90% my own posts #and Idk if it would annoy people if I commented how much I liked their art but didnt retweet it.... idk! #delete later #grafftalk

[frenchfrywrites]

Please I'm begging that if you have established yourself as a reoccurring anon who comes on my blog and you have a lil sign off, that you use it!! Use your identifier every time you send an ask. Stop pretending to be a different person by not using your sign off and only telling me later that it was you. It's fucked up and making me wildly paranoid that every anon is the same anon.

Also, it's super not fair to the other people who choose to send me anonymous asks! Like they don't deserve to have me question their identity just bc they don't sign off with an emoji/phrase... anyways I'm being psychologically tortured in my fucking ask box and if I get one more ask that makes me uncomfortable I'm turning anon off for a while until some of you can figure out how to act right.

#congrats ive reached my breaking point #im doing a vauge post cause i refuse to give u the attention u want #maybe u think im sensitive but ahh i dont care lol bc this is MY blog and u are terrorizing ME!!! #if blocking anons actually worked we wouldnt have to be here :P #also im only slightly hyperbolizing lmao #french fry talks #maybe delete later

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

.

#idk what the absolute heck is up with people on my posts about the bear #like... nobody reblogs anything??? #either the only people seeing stuff is like. people who came over from instagram or twitter #OR I'm just spoiled on the x files fandom who WILL reblog ANYTHING on sight #or maybe a combination of both??? #idk i just know that i rb stuff from people and add my own thoughts in the tags #and i guess I'm just wondering... am i the only one with Thoughts here???? #shdkdhskfbskdjfsj delete later I'm just complaining #drb thanks #like.. obviously

[frogkitchen-the-archive]

life feels hard and unforgiving sometimes so here’s some highlights just from a single day from last week to remind anyone out there that life is still worth living and enjoying, and there are plenty of kind people :)

I stopped at the grocery store (different from where I work) to kill time waiting for my second bus. I found some jeans in the clothing section, but wanted to know how much they were, so i went to the dressing rooms where two older women working then had a friendly battle to see who could log into their scanner first to check the price, it was really fun

After the second bus, theres a short half mile walk to my work, and as i was passing by businesses on the way (it was like 9:30am), one fast food worker opened her window (the drive thru was empty) and waived for me to come over. I ran over and she said she loved my outfit and asked where I got my stuff so I told her the goodwill I go to and where the best clearance stuff I find is. It’s also been heavily raining recently so I told her where the best raincoats are in town

I’m at work doing my (retail) job, and a lady asks me for help. She starts apologizing (a lot) because she couldn’t find an exact photo of what she was looking for, and I told her she doesn’t need to apologize at all! I said if she wanted to stop reflexively apologizing all the time, she can change up the words she uses like I do. When I’m doing something and it takes a while, I say “thank you for helping me/ thank you for waiting,” and it usually works really well. It’s also my job to help people find things in the store so there’s no need to feel guilty about asking for help! In the end I found the bookshelf she wanted and she said that it was good advice that she wants to practice more

Whenever I find something broken or unusable, i bring it up to the front desk and put a sticky note on it saying what’s wrong, usually with a little frowny face. My manager saw me doing this finally and said “so its YOU who’s been leaving this stuff up here!” And i was like oh no! Do you want me to stop? And she replied “nah, honestly I think it’s funny and I like finding this stuff up here. Just wish people would stop breaking our shit.” This new note was on a open bag of chips and said “someone was eating me like a feral animal and then decided to leave the bag :( “

Sometimes when someone breaks an item, especially glass or ceramic, they feel bad and start to try to clean it up themselves. I, trying to be as friendly as possible but still firm, go “NOOO nO don’t touch it, sTOPP >:0 its sharp you need to stay safe” in the most silly way possible to try to distract from the fact that they feel bad. I call for someone to grab a broom and guard the broken pieces while looking at the customer like 👀 dont you dare touch any of the pieces this isn’t your job LOL. I know how quickly one small thing (dropping & breaking something at the store) can really hurt your mood (speaking from experience) so Im very over-the-top silly when it comes to cleaning these accidents. Dropping shit happens! Don’t feel bad lol im rushing in to clean it up >:)

While at the front of the store I was approached by an older man and he said, “I’m sorry if this comes off as rude, but where is the nearest real grocery store?” And when I tell you i SNORTED and said “nah that’s not rude, I don’t get any of my meat or produce from here,” and told him the nearest store with actual fresh produce and meat was a little bit further down the street.

Whenever I’m working and friends come in, they pretend not to know me to some degree so I can put on my retail face for a moment and “help” them while they tell me briefly about their day :) and then I actually tell them wherever the stuff they’re looking for actually is located in the store lol

I get asked pretty frequently how I do my hair and how I get it to stay like that, (medium length curly hair that actually holds its curls), to the point where I made a little diagram i keep on my phone of my routine + products I use and recommend, and show it to them to take a picture of or airdrop it to them :) 

It was close to closing for the front cafe department (i am trained for multiple departments and switch during the day sometimes lol) and one of our last customers for the night was very unsure of what she wanted to drink. Since we throw out most of the tea for the night, i broke out the little sample cups and let her try allll of them so she could narrow down her choices. Halfway through trying them, she asked “do you do this all the time?” And I was like “no, usually it’s too busy, but we’re about to close and I want you to get a good experience & drink out of this” :) she laughed at that and decided on a peach tea lemonade w/ another fruit drink mixed in it.

Leaving work I went to say goodbye to a handful of my coworkers, as per my routine, and my one coworker always gives me a cup of whip cream and a fork. I never asked her to do this but she’s started it as part of her routine so I’ve accepted it into mine. I take the cup home with me and put the whip cream on a little bowl of fruit every night :)

#remember! im not trying to romanticize retail. im only saying that even though i work this i still try to find as much joy as i can :) #and i think that’s important for a lot of people to try and do. it doesnt fix everything but its a gentle reminder that you are living #im not working my dream job by any means but i try to find good parts about it while im here in this moment #ok to rb :) #long post #maybe delete later? #maybe not LOL

[arthur-r]

just finished a drawing for the hhvcd anniversary but the problem is. i spent like eight-ish hours on it???? over the course of many days???? and my goal had been to make three pictures of each of them. and what i have is a singular drawing of haricot

#i hadn’t like. actually spent time on a drawing. in a really long time like i’ve only sketched for like 20 minutes at a time. maybe an hour #so i was very very lofty with my goals!!!! and now idk what to do cause cd is important and i love cd and i really meant to draw them both #i meant to draw them each in three different super cool and unique outfits and poses!!!! but here i am shdhdf #anyway maybe i’ll have time to make cd but i doubt it. maybe i’ll just be late???? #i’m proud of myself for spending so much time on this picture like more time than i have in years. but it’s sure an inconvenience shdhdf #i think i will probably hold on to my picture until the day of? but i might show it to my best friends private #problem is the hhvcd people are my best friends. nobody to surprise with a picture of haricot if brian and june see it two days early #anyway i’ll see about making cd in the next two days but like. i don’t think i would’ve finished hh if there wasn’t a snow day today #and making just the two original people was supposed to be making it easier for me shdhdf i was going to do something with fog/maybe maggie #but i knew that would be too much so i did the two people who were actually came up with on the day that i’m making them for #but apparently when i actually make art that i don’t entirely hate that actually takes a lot of time and effort #like i knew it would take multiple hours. just not several evenings of hyperfocus and missing dinner #speaking of which. i should stop typing this and go eat some food. and also turn on the light the sun set two hours ago and i didn’t do that #so im sitting here in complete darkness drawing pictures on my phone lit up in a spooky glow probably #so that’s nice. anyway i have to go eat. excited to show everyone my drawing eventually. see you in a while!!!! #me. my post. mine. #delete later #disordered eating cw #(better safe!!!! obviously it wasn’t on purpose. but good to be safe) #ask to tag

[toomanypeas]

~○~●~○~●~○~●~

#i CANNOT sleep and I've got Dante's Inferno stuck in my head #the song not the epic oh god #imagine if that was your superpower. just knowing all of dante's inferno off by heart #anyway I'm bored and my things to help me go to sleep aren't helping #_why don't you put your phone away then tash_ WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP #also millie attacked my very special rainbow llama jerry who has gone around the world with me and now jerry only has one and a half eyes #it kind of suits him though i think maybe i will make him little glasses bc it looks like he's squinting at the moment #ALSO i was looking up feng shui and discovered that installing floating shelves that hang over my bed was not a move that optimises energy #but they also said that you shouldn't have books in your bedroom so clearly we are not on the same wavelength #i am constantly worried that the shelves will fall on me though #ok. feng shui wins this round #but i will win the war #how would one win a war against feng shui? #...i know. You just have to wait for the universe to finally collapse into chaos #there is no feng shui in entropy #it's me and the universe against you feng shui what are you gonna do about it?? use earthy tones??? position the couch differently??? #anyway i really should put my phone away now #i say that but i will be scrolling on here for at least another thirty minutes #rant post #delete later

[izzy-b-hands]

So much of typing in particular as I get older is just shouting at myself 'USE THE FONT EVEN IF IT'S NOT YOUR FAVE. SET THE SIZE TO 12 OR MORE EVEN IF YOU THINK IT LOOKS CRAP/MAKES THE DRAFT SEEM TOO LENGTHY. YOUR EYES CAN'T DO IT LIKE THEY COULD BEFORE; WHY ARE YOU INTENTIONALLY MAKING THIS HARDER FOR YOURSELF?'

and I don't even have a good answer for that lmao

#text post #actually there is an answer but it's a bullshit one tbh #in my creative writing/layout courses i had it drilled into me that bolded fonts often look childish/unprofessional and are only to be used #in v specific scenarios and for particular projects so to not bother using it for personal use either #and to train your eyes to work more w/thinner/more likely to be used in most professional projects fonts instead #but let's be real here I'm not ever getting published so I think i can just use the bold fonts and call it a day for the sake of my eyes lo #tho on that note I keep forgetting to tell folks I wrote my first original fiction short story this last week and I don't entirely hate it! #I don't think it's anything new or interesting enough to actually send out but. it's the first original thing I've finished fully since lik #fuck me. 2020? 2019? bc the rest have ended in tears and frustration and have wound up abandoned or deleted #so even if it's not a useful story or anything that would make me some scratch from a writing contest im v glad to have done it #maybe I can get back to writing more original stuff alongside the fan fiction again #im rambling when my ass should be writing see ya'll later lol

[piplupod]

also I've been having that horrible haunting feeling that im doing something Really Really Wrong and nobody is telling me so im just walking around doing my thing but somehow hurting or irritating Everyone i come into contact with and just have no idea bc I cannot see it and nobody is telling me fhfjdl

and i keep trying to pick myself apart and study everything im doing and saying but I can't find anything because Everything i do seems awful lately so ... idk what is mental illness making me hate myself and what is genuinely bad of me

#so im just... withdrawing as much as i can #but then im starving for attention and interaction all the time bc i talk to only one person ffndkdl so i post here #and then end up hating myself for posting here bc i feel like im pissing everyone off fndkdl #i do not know what to do !!! i dont have any counseling appt for an entire month and i feel like such shit !!! #i am just so irritating and awful and i cannot seem to stop and all that works is isolating but then i get scared of what I'm going to do #so like... there is no getting around it. i just fhfkl feel fucking awful these past couple weeks #i wish i could just be okay and not feel like such a little piece of shit all the time #but maybe i SHOULD feel like a pos bc maybe i am being one. and i need to figure out what im doing wrong so i stop this. #but I can't figure it out. so i just end up being upset w myself as a general person dhfjfldl #anyways im going to go lie down maybe or do piano or shower idk go work on art or crochet maybe #just. need to not be here posting bc it just makes me feel more like im pissing everyone off fjfkfl #genuinely i am Really Sorry if I've been annoying or said anything shitty. pls lmk if i have so i can Fix it #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #delete later