#refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

Kicking

Screaming

She fell into my arms

Poor little thing

She fought mightily against me

But you'll be comforted to know

She eventually settled

Purring, meowing, mumbling one final time

Because you see

My touch is not ice cold like the dirt your body will someday become part of

But warm with the thousand touches of loved ones who passed before you

Reaching for an embrace

She left quite a few scars

Many of them have

But I bear them proudly

Because nothing beats the quiet of a soul

Finally at peace

My arms

A final resting place for the world

#refiba writes #poem time

[adiamondsuniverse]

Why I Stopped Posting

Hey everyone, it's been a while! I basically wanted to make this post to give some closure to the failure that was the Green Diamond AU.

First of all, I haven't checked this blog in about a year so I'm more than certain that almost everyone forgot about it, which is GOOD because that puts less pressure on me to profusely apologize for my incredible lateness, but BAD because I feel bad :p

But yeah, I'm sorry. When GD AU first took off it was gaining a decent amount of traction and I made friends with other fellow creators who were pumping out great works!

But I felt lost writing GD AU. It was going down a direction that I didn't care about. I was invested in the characters but my issues were with the plot. It felt like a story that wasn't worth telling, it was boring to me.

And some asks I got were discouraging because everyone expected Steven Universe but green. Where is Garnet and Amethyst? Where is Spinel? Where is Steven? Will the rebellion resume? Will Green Diamond rebel?

Characters and story arcs and tropes I didn't care about were expected. I tried adding Jasper but realized she wouldn't fit in the plot. I added Pink Pearl 3.0 and realized I didn't know where she'd go in the plot. I added Shauna (female green Steven) and realized she wouldn't even exist in the plot because I wanted to focus on Green and Pink.

Well, I could know, I could fit her in perfectly if I thought enough, if I was invested enough to sit down and ask myself "What are these characters doing? What's the point?"

And that was my problem. I wasn't invested. I didn't want to tell a story that was just Steven Universe but green. I wanted to tell a story about Green and Pink Diamond.

I also got a lot of attention for this comic, more than I expected! And eventually, more than I wanted. I feel like I wasted this opportunity to tell a story to a wide enough audience, I wasted my (albeit small) platform to just answer asks half-heartedly and be salty and lazy and stressed out about everything.

This is the story I wanted to tell.

Green Diamond was a Diamond made by White to replace Pink. This is a problem because everyone loves Pink and Yellow could have just taken the colony for herself like she did in canon. Besides, Pink was irreplaceable.

Green Diamond tries to prove herself by being the BEST DIAMOND EVER. She almost gets there until the Rose-Pink reveal. Then it's all about Pink again.

Green and Pink bond, become friends, Green never becomes a rebel but she supports Pink's love of the planet because she sees the beauty in it as well, so she wants to replace Pink's position as a Diamond so Pink can be Rose again. Everyone on Homeworld knows Rose is a Diamond but Rose doesn't care, she lives her authentic self as a rebel Quartz because that's who she is. She's got Pearl, Garnet, Bismuth and surprisingly Jasper on her side!

White Diamond comes along, discovers Green and Pink's plot and just cackles. They're so silly! Playing war. She turns to Green Diamond and says,

"You still believe you're a Diamond?"

It turns out Green Diamond was never Green Diamond. She was a cheap cubic zirconia made for the express purpose to emotionally torture Pink, because White was under the impression Pink would come crawling back out of jealousy if she saw someone else taking control over her colony.

(Yes, in this AU White knew Rose was Pink. It's very vague in canon but it's a headcanon I have.)

Green Cubic Zirconia and Pink Diamond fuse, creating True Diamond (not a real diamond, I know, but the name is symbolic ;_;)

Green wanted to be a Diamond so badly, throughout the story it's revealed bit by bit how much of a natural, compassionate yet composed leader she is, as she gains her gems' trust. Pink wants to be a Quartz so badly, rebellious, free, and bringing her fantasy into the real world. But they both have something in common.

They want to be what they never were.

White Diamond tries to use this against each other, but Green and Pink's love for each other triumphs White's manipulation.

True Diamond doesn't refer to Green Cubic Zirconia as Green Cubic Zirconia, nor does she refer to Pink Diamond as Pink Diamond.

They are Green Diamond and Rose Quartz, respectively.

This leads to White's realization she's wrong. They are technically still a zirconia and a diamond, but her perception on their personalities was wrong. Green Diamond wasn't her evil little lapdog who wants to torture Rose for funsies, and Rose Quartz isn't a selfish bratty child who wants a colony - she is a compassionate warrior who wants respect and love.

And that's how the story ends.

Except it didn't. Because I didn't draw it!!!!!

In 2019 I was inexperienced, in 2020 I was depressed and in 2021, I just don't want to get people's hopes up for a story that will never come.

I'd love to tell it to you, I hate spoiling it all for you guys, but I know for sure I don't have a connection to Green Diamond anymore, her story isn't important to me because I am telling ones I care more about.

But maybe it will be important to you.

And that's why I wrote this post.

Signing off, Refiba 💚💎❤️

(If you want to know what else I'm writing or just follow me on my other more active social medias just because my Tumblr is @strawberriandromeda , my Twitter is @refiba, my Instagram is @refibaxolotl and I may or may not be releasing a non-Steven Universe story sometime this year on webtoon. Keep your eyes peeled for that if you want to. If you don't that's totally cool too. Much love!)

#steven universe #comic #green diamond #gemsona #pink diamond

[strawberriandromeda]

Ophiucha - the compassionate heart. A breathing soul with the ability to act and change, in stasis of their own doing, by their own fear of who they might be, and can only be freed when they act as much as they love

Lilith - death personified. Everything crumbles around her, and the more she clings onto love, the more it transforms into hate until that too rots back into love

Pandora - she is in control. The world submits at her feet as she tries to shape it into perfection and order, all the while crying out in frustration and grief as it resists her surgeon's scalpel to be free

Tigerlily - she is resistance. The desire to be free and to live and make choices and mistakes, so dedicated to living they are that it is burning hot and pushes away the ability to love others

Cetus - freedom. An empty follower, hollow, cowardly, as she tries to carve out a place for herself in a universe that never wanted her, despite benefiting from her generous gifts and loving companionship, freedom only found in the recognition of her own divinity

Ichthyes - love. Just love, the cycle, the universe, a being outside it that observes the world like a blooming rose, admiring each stage, gladly pricking themself on its thorns as they know their blood means life

Avion - devotion and wisdom. The struggle of dedicating ones soul to a cause without ever wondering or questioning the roots of the garden they tend to, the dirt does not welcome but consumes him all the same

Arcturus - the sun that shines for others. Joy, ease, laughter, pleasure, everything he gives like bouquets to his friend, he denies for himself, the center of his star is either empty or dense and either way he is consumed by it like a black hole

Aldebaran - the simple herb. A simple prince, a gardener, a chef, a protector, and a lover built for love but only holds it for the sake of others, a chalice that waits for gentle lips to sweetly take from him

Rasalhague - the phobia of change as well as transformation itself. Fear and terror, unable to let go of what they once were, yet eager to meet their true form, as they shy away from her at the same time, the inability to love oneself, wondering if they are the shards of a broken mirror or the empty space in between

#refiba screams #oc tag #my writing

[strawberriandromeda]

Howl's Moving Castle Theme song that I wrote that isn't really related to Howl's Moving Castle

In the land

In the land of the sea

There is so much!

And so many places to be

If you swim

A thousand leagues

There you'll find the land of the sea

In a castle of abalone shell

In a palace constructed by pearls

You'll find what you're looking for

In the land of the sea

My love is buried for thee

One thousand leagues under the sea

Oh can't you see

That you're all I need

In the land of the sea!

Oh, the land of the sea!

#refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

At the Place Between Gods

Moondark and damp,

Brightness of I muted

Muffled under the currents of grief

Starlight dim but sparkling through,

Cast a light on my soul

What is it you find?

What is it you seek?

Feet filled with sores and cuts

I am in the Valley of the Moon.

Coarse sand on bare feet

Sharp wind on soft cheeks

Cold air on young soul

Frustrated, puckering, prickling forehead

Eyes too tired to be red

Soul too tired to be gold

And then.

The ocean,

A whisper,

The Moonlight peeks out from her leaden robes

Horrid creatures crawl out from hell

Light breaks through heaven's thick clouds

The only friends I've ever known.

This is it.

I'm at the place between Gods.

#my first poem in a long time :) #refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

We don't have a better option

We drink the blood of the sacrificed

Because there is no mother's milk

We poison ourselves

Because it's the only food we have left

We are not stupid

We are just trying to survive

In a world that does not want us

#refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

I used to hate things that reminded me of the past, even things that weren't part of my past. Like broken down metal skeletons of old buses and cars, foliage growing out of it. Like abandoned shopping malls full of murky water, graffiti on subway walls and the sides of trains. They always felt turbulent and dark, they always felt like hungry, angry voices clamoring to be heard over the din of life, begging not to be forgotten. One time I went to a huge furniture store and felt it eerie, it had a city around it but it felt like the middle of nowhere, it had a freeway right next to it but it felt like the end of the line. One time I went a store that smelled like freshly cut wood and new things and I remember thinking, "Is this where the Big Bang happened?" I remember walking by the beach and trying to walk through the huge rocks without getting hurt, and I saw at the sides, a large whole in the rock wall, a rusted pipe, some cement and angry, rebellious graffiti. It felt like a place for outcasts, a place where people gave into addictions of all kinds, and let their minds empty, their hearts corrupt.

And now

I feel like I'm at the end of the line. I feel like I'm forgotten. A ghost of the human I once was. I still have the shards of my broken self in my hands. Where is she? Where has that girl gone? I'm left cold, empty, bitter and alone. I've always valued my compassion as my strongest trait, and without it, who am I?

I feel like cold fingertips and heartless eyes, but I don't feel evil... I just feel disenfranchised, I feel like the outside looking in. Perhaps it's too late, and now, a trait that once came so easy to me, I will have to relearn all on my own, through hard work and tears.

I feel like I'm a horrible person for letting myself go like that. People seem to value those darlings who are broken beyond repair but still practice kindness.

But what happens when every kind act feels physically draining? Every sweetness I've ever done felt like stepping on broken glass and forcing a smile? I can't live like this.

I, like Atlas, held the world on my shoulder, and for once, I would like to rest the weight on somewhere else without feeling the immense deep-sea pressure of guilt.

Please, for the love of God, please, be kind for me while I rest. Will the world fair well without me? I'm afraid to entertain the thought.

It's hard being a mother, it's harder being a mother for a whole earth. I want to rest now.

#refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

Feelin that dark night of the soul type of shit 😔

Night feels like forever but logically the sun rises from the east everyday

I have to be okay again

It's the only next plausible step

#refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

I've learned to distinguish the auras of those I'm drawn to heal

And I've learned to be repelled by them

#refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

I used to think I was meant to be unlovable Until you proved me wrong Understanding my status as a hidden gem, It takes a while for someone to find you And even longer to get picked up But the time always comes You can either sit and wait Or walk into the sunlight

#refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

You're my knight in shining armor

Do I let you be my knight in shining armor?

Because I already know a thing or two about rescuing people

And that is

That the armor you wear is

HEAVY

#letters to a sweetheart who doesn't exist #they just might tho #refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

You carry me home

Into the house

But don't you know

That I'm already home

Just being safe in your arms

#letters to a sweetheart who doesn't exist #they just might tho #refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

You're the closest I've ever been

To what I want

I can almost taste it

I can almost touch it

It's so real

But if it is

Then WHY

Do you still elude me?

Why are you smoke and mirrors, dear?

Am I not meant to have you?

Are you not meant to be within my grasp?

What is the change?

What is the lesson?

What is the point?

#refiba writes #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[strawberriandromeda]

I said I gave up a thousand times

But I still find myself

Looking for you

Even when I don't mean to

#letters to a sweetheart who doesn't exist #they just might tho #refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

I'm complicated and I'm simple

Easy to understand and difficult to comprehend

There is a deeper meaning to me

And yet there is none

I am details that aren't details

I am the whole that is still left unknown

Don't fix me and don't simplify me

I'm a bundle of contradictions

I'm an unsolvable problem

Sometimes I'm here and sometimes I'm there

I drift in and out of consciousness even though I'm perfectly awake the whole time

I'm a painting that looks put together until you look deeper and see the details

They don't make sense

They never make sense

It's not about sense

I am my feelings

Even the bad ones

I am my morals

Even when they supress my feelings

It doesn't make sense

Yet it makes perfect sense

It's just who I am

Don't solve me and don't define me

I am interchangeable as the wind and air and sea

The ocean bleeds into the sky

You touch my stars and they feel wet and cold

You touch my snow and they feel like fire

You touch my earth and your hand goes through

Yet the sky has a lid

And I'm at the top

I am a dream and a revelation

I am those moments of grogginess after waking up

I am those clear epiphanies that change the world

I am all of the opposites that don't quite combine

Just embrace me for the beautiful mess that I am

It is better than order

#refiba writes

[strawberriandromeda]

I love you so much

That my heart hurts

I wish I could let myself love you

Without second guessing

Without crying over you

Without fantasizing the impossible

Without feeling like you'll disappear any minute

Without feeling like I'm living a lie

I won't tell you how deep these feelings run

I won't tell you how much I want to be intimate with you

I could be kissing another's lips

But they'll never be yours

I would simply close my eyes

And pretend they're you

Love is meaningless when it's not about you

When it's not for you

When it's not with you

I love you so much

I don't think I've loved anyone else quite like this before

And it scares me

It drives me to tears

I wish I never met you

Missing out on the greatest person I've met

Won't hurt

If I didn't even realize it

I love you so much

That I cry about it

I love you so much

That suddenly

Every song is about you

Every painting is about you

And every story is about you

But I lock myself away

I'm sporadic and restricted with affection

I don't want you to know

That you have so much power over me

I don't think I've loved anyone as much as I love you

Because you're more real

And different

You're so different from the miles of men

I've messed around with

When he's telling me how gorgeous I am

I wish those words came from you

No one can fill the void you leave me with

But I don't want you to know

It would be devastating for me

I actually care about you and it's frightening

I don't want to care

But

I don't want to ruin this

Sometimes I just ignore you

And make you wait for a text back

It's the only way I can be in control

It's the only way I can feel safe

But I can't keep this in

Love is wild and free,

Not meant to live a caged bird life

I love you so much

I wish we could be free together

I am afraid to tell you

In case you throw away these words

And they become meaningless

But I want to be there with you forever

Or maybe

As long as you'll have me

I want to be your stability

I want to be your constant

But I'm afraid

That these opinions will change

And that's why I keep them away from you

I'm afraid

You won't think the same way

And afraid that this is temporary

#refiba writes